The starting situation of this parody tallies with the moment when Shepard's squad breaks into the Citadel Archives, during the DLC Citadel (Mass Effect 3). The fans shall also notice that several lines of dialogue are directly borrowed from the DLC Citadel, to stay with the theme.
Usual disclaimer: The elements of the Mass Effect universe used below are borrowed from the video games by Bioware. Of course, that's especially the case for the events, additional characters, and dialogues featured in the DLC Citadel.
– Translation of a novel previously published in French: Please forgive the fact that English is not my native language... –
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One could say that for his first actual leave on the Citadel since the beginning of the War, Commander Austin Shepard had been darn spoiled! No sooner had he realized that he was the target of an attempted identity theft by ruthless criminals, when slugs started flying low from everywhere. The Commander had survived the traumatic experience of a submersion thru the fish tank of a sushi bar, then to an immersion into another kind of shark tank also called a casino, all of this interspersed with various exchanges of gunfire, close quarter fightings, and epic take-offs under heavy fire! Nothing very unusual, indeed, for a galaxy engulfed in a war on all fronts... But there, Shepard was on leave; and those who had tried to ruin it would soon pay the high price for that!
The Commander was fortunate enough to have had a remote conversation, short yet tense, with the one responsible for all that bloody shambles. This despicable coward had hidden behind a whole battery of encrypting devices that could preserve the secrecy of his face and voice; but it eventually just enticed Shepard even more to meet him again, face to face this time, this only and final time. The impostor could actually be traced, in the Citadel Archives where he had just used the access codes stolen from the first Human Spectre. So that was the very place where Shepard intended to catch him, and to put a definitive end to his evil activities.
At least, the Commander could rely on a much stronger support team than usual: no less than ten mates! It was a nice change from having to usually run under a hail of fire, with no assistance but two poor nitwits, virtually dead weights unless told second by second what they were expected to do!
For this mission, the reinforced squad numbered a majority of Humans: there were Ashley Williams the good ol' badass, as well as James Vega and Steve Cortez the latino lovebirds, as poorly suited as can be an extravert and an invert, yet as unfailingly bound as a couple of old blabbermouths. Shepard could also rely on his dear old alien companions of the first hour: Liara T'Soni his spymistress and mistress too, the unfathomable Tali'Zorah vas Something hidden behind her opaque visor, the very fathomable Garrus Vakarian with his inseparable stick up his ass, and Urdnot Wrex the friend of any lifeform. EDI, the Normandy's Artificial Intelligence now deployed on a synthetic curvy platform, had also insisted to be present. Among the latest latecomers: Javik the defrosted Prothean, and Maya Brooks the paper-pusher from the Alliance intelligence. Javik seemed to be a warrior at heart; but Brooks on the other hand... Better not to cherish great illusions about what she'd be worth on the battleground.
Shortly after they entered the Archives through an extremely subtle approach – use of a military-grade explosive device to breach the upper levels! –, the team had been ambushed by the impostor's armed forces. His cannon fodder, would have actually sounded more fitting. Indeed the CAT6, a unit of Human mercenaries made out of decommissioned rejects from the Alliance forces, provided less a decent opposing force than a casual warm-up exercise, for veterans of countless victorious combats against the Reapers! Shepard and his groupies were wiping without much effort the hapless mercenaries one after the other, or even in whole groups to save time. Verily, they were just busy getting their kicks, when suddenly...
-–- That's enough! an imperious voice thundered over the din of battle.
Looking up to the darkness of the upper gallery, Shepard and his squad could see that Brooks had been immobilized by an armed guy in CAT6 armored suit, who was maintaining a neck lock to hold her close to him. He was likely the head of the mercenaries, the mysterious ring leader responsible for all of the unpleasant misadventures that Shepard had experienced lately.
-–- Drop your weapons, the man carried on while tightening his grip on Brooks, or this won't end well for her!
Unsurprisingly, the clumsy and gun-shy staff analyst had turned out to be the team's weakest link. Well, Shepard did not expect very much from her anyway; and he still wouldn't let her skull get pierced for her failure. So the Commander cracked a soothing «All right...» as he put his rifle on the ground, implicitely suggesting his allies to do the same.
Still concealed in the darkness, the mysterious figure released his hold on his hostage. Actually, he brutally ejected the unfortunate analyst from the upper gallery: Brooks landed quite painfully, but could still get up and join the other prisoners. Fighting to repress his anger rising, Shepard challenged his shadowy enemy:
-–- Whatever you think you're getting away with, there's nowhere you can run, nowhere you can hide where we can't find you.
-–- Hide? the vile impostor retorted. Why?...
The stranger quietly stepped out of the obscurity; and everyone could then realize with utter perplexity that his face looked very exactly like Commander Shepard's! When the evil double spoke again, it became also clear for every and each one that his voice and intonation were absolutely the same as his original model's:
-–- ...I'm Commander Shepard. I never hide.
The shock freezed in amazement all of the Normandy team. Of course Shepard was as dumbfounded as his mates by this revelation; yet at the same time, he had the strange feeling that somehow, something was wrong. Something that he had seen, that he had noticed, yet that did not make him react at once, focused as he was on the dramatic tension of the hostage situation, and on the bitterness of his surrender. Then suddenly, the Commander realized what disturbed him so much: Brooks was kneeling, when the man standing against her back had restrained her neck and shoulders through a chokehold! Which meant that the bastard wasn't taller than...!
The mysterious Shepard-bis jumped down from the upper gallery, landing with the style of a crack commando. And all of the team could then realize that the Human, who in a low-angle view, and taking advantage of the shadows of the gallery, could pose as a perfect double of the Commander, was in fact barely 3'6 tall! With his stocky build, he somehow looked like a heretical cross between a Volus and a Human, without the potbellied shape of the Volus yet; the odd character actually looked rather square-shouldered – just like the genuine Commander Shepard, for that matter. It was obvious anyway that he wore a custom-made armored suit, for his measurements were most probably unavailable at the CAT6 inventory!
The one out of the two Shepards who was 6'2 tall exclaimed while looking down at the other one:
-–- Whow, a Mini-Me! Always wanted to have one!
The miniature double clenched teeth at the insult. But as he was to answer, Javik interrupted him when he wondered out loud, in this sarcastic and condescending tone that the last of the Protheans used much too often for the taste of his new primitive contemporaries:
-–- Are my four infallible eyes tricking me? Or is this Human standing in front of us a mediocre half-scaled replica model of the Commander?
EDI did not allow time for the impostor to speak again, as she noticed in turn, without her synthetic voice revealing the lesser touch of mischief or irony:
-–- Resized to this scale, the Shepard VI could easily be installed on any wrist-mounted Omni-tool.
Faced with this running fire of serial cracks, Pocket Shepard started quickly to lose his apparent composure and confidence:
-–- Hey, will they shut their mouths now?! he ranted. Can I just get a word in edgewise, yah?!
-–- Sure you can, Shepard suggested in a mocking tone. Everybody here would like to know which gutter you may come from; and you clearly feel like telling us...
The impostor had clearly recovered all of his haughtiness already, when he came and swaggered at the Commander's feet:
-–- You weren't the only Shepard that Cerberus brought back to life; but at least one of us will finally do something with it.
-–- I don't care who you claim to be, the Commander hit back. You're not me...» Shepard added in a more playful tone: «...Actually, you're not even half me!
-–- I am you, the half-double trustfully confirmed. I was created for spare parts in case you needed another arm, or a heart, or a lung.
-–- A clone, Liara deduced.
-–- A clown, you mean! Garrus corrected.
-–- Did the Illusive Man send you? Shepard asked.
-–- No, the mini-clone answered in a quiet voice. He abandoned me when he had what he wanted. You.
-–- One wonders why, the Commander jested. Maybe he feared not to be able to tell the difference between us, had we swapped our armored suits?
The runt in CAT6 armor spinned around nervously, then brought himself to explain in a quite frustrated tone:
-–- Yah, okay, I may have developed stunted growth in my tank... There were frequent voltage drops on the research station where I've been grown, alright? Budget cuts at Cerberus, entirely due to the minor personal expenditure of Miiiister Illusive Man... The volumes of bourbon this guy can soak up, 'tis just not human!
The genuine and inimitable Commander Shepard folded his arms, giving even more the appearance of overlooking his pathetic copy as he jested in a jeering tone:
-–- Oh, I can believe it. I've seen already quite a lot of epic fails and major clusterfucks at Cerberus. But as for you, you're clearly the star on top of the pile of pyjak shit! No, seriously, between you and me... No one will ever believe you're Shepard!
-–- They will when I'm flying his ship, the evil dwarf argued in a committed tone.
Shepard and his allies exchanged amazed glances. The moment after, the whole team broke into uproarious and unanimous laughter. Quite surprised, the CAT6 mercenaries tightened the armed circle they had formed around their prisoners. Yet that was no trap from the inter-species squad: all of them were really, truly, and fully engulfed in an uncontrollable fit of giggles! With tears in the eyes, Cortez was the first one who could articulate something:
-–- Are you... Hawh-hawh-hawh!... Are you aware that you'll need a stool to overlook the galaxy map on the bridge? And besides... Khh-hhh-hhh!... Specialist Traynor hates it when a dude's eyes are at her buns height!
Vega struggled for a while to catch his breath back, then chimed in in turn:
-–- I've just replayed Game of Thrones – the 2180 reboot, I mean... The little people are not supposed to be nice and intelligent, there?
-–- Yes they are, Williams confirmed mockingly. And the eunuchs are supposed to be valiant warriors. And yet, it seems to me that all of the clique of limp dicks I can see around here have their hearts down their boots. Er, not really their hearts, actually, judging by the stench! Wrong, chicks?
Even while their helmet visors made it impossible to see their faces, the CAT6 indeed did not look that confident, standing amid the many dead bodies of their mates fallen during the first fighting. The way they were exchanging quick glances while nervously pointing their rifles at their prisoners, spoke volumes about their state of tension and insecurity. Yet it took Ashley's remark to make Shepard-bis aware of this obvious fact... He consequently raged:
-–- What the...!? Don't tell me that this odd gang of aliens is scaring you?! Dammit, you're three times their number, and all of you garnished with as much gunnery as can be fastened between balls and shoulders!
One of the hapless mercenaries miserably looked down at his leader, mumbling in his helmet:
-–- Er, Sir, it... It's still Commander Shepard, there !
Shepard Redux furiously stomped while losing his temper:
-–- Shepard is standing right in front of you! Are we clear?!
-–- In front of you is crock of shit, Shepard-the-only-one mocked. In front of your knees just sounds more fitting!
-–- Holy fuck, won't you all shut your crappy holes at last, you sons of bitches!? the half-clone swore.
-–- And to top it all, he's rude like hell, Shepard underlined. Which VI did they put in your tank, to bring you up? The Okeer model for synthetic Krogans?! Nah, even Grunt is better-behaved; and yet, it took time to teach him how to use the lavatories on the Normandy!
The crack had Wrex giggle coarsely. By contrast, it extorted a wince from Shepard XS, who preferred to turn on his heels and leave the room along with two of his mercenaries as escort, as long as he still had some semblance of dignity:
-–- Execute them, he ordered while moving away. The cult of Shepard ends today.
As the trio was to walk out the door of the Archives room, Shepard hailed the mercenaries moving away on their leader's heels:
-–- Just try not to step on my clone! May be sticky and stinky...
This last drop of venom fatally ripped the tiny little shred of patience still alive at the tiny little impostor: cut to the quick, the fierce runt instantly turned back on the spot, with his pupils dilated out of anger. And the CAT6 who were holding the prisoners at gunpoint, could then stare in amazement at the surrealistic spectacle of their boss literally foaming with rage, as he tried to hurl himself against his model and rival, while his two henchmen painfully strove to hold him back!
-–- Fuck it, let me go for him! the test-tube waste roared. I gonna trash that tall bastard, one-handed!
Commander Shepard had finally achieved his goal: he had just created the diversion that would allow himself and team to regain the initiative...
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