He was falling again. Plunging, flailing, spinning sickeningly through the void. The brightness above him retracted to a pinpoint as gravity pulled him away from the light, away from his training, away from his brothers. His muscles went rigid, certain that collision with the steely training floor was just a breath away, but the plummet continued. He thought at least the wind created by the speed of his fall should cool the heat of his seared flesh, yet still his face burned.
He could feel tears streaming over his face before being swept away as he tore through the air. The darkness swallowed everything - no sight, no sounds, he was alone. Fear squeezed his throat in a vise, trapping his breath tightly in his chest. It must end soon - he knew the floor couldn't be this far away. Surely, it would end soon… Still he fell…
Wrecker jolted out of the dream, confused when the darkness and the silence remained. Instinctively he strained against the bonds holding him down until, one by one, the thick straps snapped in half and he sat up, gasping for air.
"Honestly, CT-0719, not again!" the med droid muttered. It placed a cold, metallic hand against his chest and pressed back. "Please return to a supine position immediately!"
"Hello?" Wrecker shouted, his own voice sounding tinny and muffled in his ears. "Who's there? Where am I? Hunter?" Wrecker became more agitated, his fear increasing as he perceived no response. "Hunter?! Where are you?!"
The med droid turned up its vocal plate and leaned down towards Wrecker's good ear. "Your. Squad. Leader. Is. In. Training. You. Are. In. The. Med. Ward. Lay. Back. Now." "Nighty night!" it whispered to itself as it injected another dose of tranquilizer into the hulking 6 year old.
Wrecker whimpered as he sank back on the sleep couch, a deep instinct urging him to call out for something, for someone, but he couldn't think who or what before he slipped back into unconsciousness. A non-clone would have known the word he was searching for as "Mother."
"Those kriffing di'kute! Anything yet, Tech?" Hunter leaned over Tech's shoulder at the unintelligible stream of symbols flashing on the screen before returning to pacing like a caged colwar in the confines of the squad's small chambers.
"Getting closer," his brother answered, fingers flying over the keys as he attempted to hack into the secure medical records. "Almost in…Got it!" he shouted in triumph. Hunter and Crosshair were instantly at his side.
"Wrecker is in MedWard 12B, in stable condition. Burns and shrapnel wounds to the left side of his head, ocular trauma, various minor bruises and lacerations. Thankfully, his abnormally thick skull and cervical musculature protected him from concussion."
"Are they washing him out?" Crosshair growled.
"Unknown at this time. He is expected to have significant loss of vision and hearing on the left side, which may also impair his balance. Further testing will be required as he recovers."
Hunter sagged back in relief. "Well, at least he's not injured badly enough for them to terminate him. But getting washed out...that would kill Wrecker just as sure."
"Those vaping, hu'tuun regs are going to pay for this!" Crosshair spit out, his knuckles white as he dug into the back of Tech's chair.
"Yeah, they will, vod." Hunter placed a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder. "We'll get them back for this somehow."
"Setting off a live explosive device during training is clearly against regulations. I'm sure the cadets responsible are being appropriately punished," Tech offered.
"Appropriately?! They ought to go down for attempted murder! But I bet they'll get off with a warning and go on as if nothing happened."
"To be fair, the device they planted on the climbing wall was set on a timer, most likely intended to go off while we were below it. It was small enough at that range to not do more than startle us. I'm sure the regs did not anticipate how quickly Wrecker could ascend the wall, nor that he would be so near to it when it detonated. So I doubt that murder was actually their objective."
Crosshair's scowl deepened.
"We'll have plenty of time for revenge later, boys," Hunter assured them, attempting to redirect his angry friend, at least for now. "First of all, we've got to help Wrecker. Any way we can get in to see him, Tech?"
"Negative. His ward is on lock down. Apparently, he has not been the most...cooperative patient."
Hunter chuckled darkly and sat down on his bunk to plan.
Just then the door whooshed open, bringing all three clones to attention. The wrinkled, genial face of 99 put them back at ease.
"Evening, boys!" The elderly clone smiled as he set about collecting their trash. "You lot seem awfully glum. Training not going well? Say, where's the big fella?"
The three squad mates looked at each other before bursting out in heated explanations all at once. "Whoah, whoah, whoah, boys! One at a time!"
Hunter explained what had happened then paused, smiling slyly. "99, we can't get in to see him, but they won't stop you!"
"That's right!" interjected Tech. "If you just happened to see him in the course of your normal cleaning duties, who would notice?"
99 rubbed his chin. "Gee, I don't know, boys. If he's in lockdown…" He looked into three sets of young, pleading eyes. So young, his brothers. They were all so young.
"All right, all right, I'll do it! Any messages you want me to relay?" He laughed as all three began talking at once again.
99 looked down at his little brother resting uneasily in the cold sterile med bay, tapping one hand against his chest, while rubbing his blanket with the other. He was certain the Kaminoans had done everything possible to relieve the young man's physical pain but knew they had not even thought to address how vulnerable he clearly felt, how scared, how alone. The left half of his head was swathed in bacta-soaked bandages, the uncovered right half shaved bald. 99 chuckled, rubbing his hand over his own smooth pate. One more thing he had in common now with this "defective" brother. Both eyes were bandaged as well - as far as Wrecker knew, he was still alone.
99 flipped over the bin he had emptied and sat at the young man's side. He reached one hand out to hold Wrecker's in his own. Wrecker gasped and grasped at the hand. It was the first human contact he had had since the explosion.
"Who's there?" he called loudly. Wrecker turned the hand over in his own, feeling out the wrinkles and calluses with his fingers. "99?" he questioned. "Is that you? What are you doing here? Where's my squad? Why has no one come to see me? What's happened to me?" All of his anxieties came gushing out.
99 just squeezed his hand and leaned down to speak loudly into his less damaged ear, "Can you hear me, Wrecker?"
"Huh? Sort of. It's all fuzzy sounding. Why can't I hear so good? Am I blind now, 99? Why are my eyes all wrapped up?"
99 felt a flash of anger at the cold hearted Kaminoans who couldn't be bothered to explain to this child what was happening to him and filled him in on his situation as quickly as he could, checking over his shoulder for the return of the med droid.
"Your squad misses you. They wanted to come see you but you're in lock down - apparently you've been tearing things up a bit in here."
"Ah, I couldn't help it! I didn't know what was going on! Can you get me out of here, 99?"
"Sorry, big guy, you're going to have to stay until you've healed a little more. But if you're a good patient it will get you out faster!"
"Oh, I'll be good, I'll be good! I just want to go home!" he whisper-shouted, a tear rolling down his cheek. "It's lonely in here. I've never been by myself before."
"I know, I know. I'll try to come back soon. Until then, just rest and try not to worry. You're just …charging up so you can charge back in, right?"
"Huh, right! I like that. Ok, thanks, 99!" Wrecker lay back quietly, as the boy's healing body began to succumb to sleep yet again.
99 shook his head sadly. Deprived not only of sight and sound but his brothers also - it was a wonder the young clone had behaved as well as he had. Watching the way he stroked and squeezed at his blanket - touch being one sense wholly undisturbed - gave 99 an idea and he shuffled away on a new quest.
Nala Se had a reprimand for 99 on the tip of her tongue as she watched the aged clone interacting with her patient. But it died as she saw Wrecker's vitals returning to the healthiest levels they'd been since he'd been in the med ward. Not for the first time, she wondered what it might be like to feel the bond of family that even these clones, who had never known mother or father either, still possessed so strongly.
Kaminoans were unsentimental by nature and far less emotional than their ancient, family-dwelling predecessors had been, but Nala Se couldn't deny that she had a peculiar...attachment to her special projects. She watched from the shadows until 99 left, then silently approached CT-0719.
A fretful wrinkle crinkled his smooth brow and he twitched in agitation as the machine registered his descent into REM sleep. She reached out to inject another dose of tranquilizer but stopped short.
An unexpected twist of compassion for the young clone moved her and before she could reason herself out of it, she found herself singing an archaic lullaby, one that had never been sung to her before but had been preserved in the annals of their history. In slow and soothing tones she sang the Kaminoan verse,
Powes onen nebes
Sleep little one
Hedhi ta owwn
Stop your fears
Dowr lenni ta penn
The water closes over your head
Lula ta leska
Your mother rocks you
Lula ta morra
Your mother the ocean
Lula ta leska
Your mother rocks you
Lula ta morra
Your mother the ocean
The defective clone stilled in his sleep, a small smile replacing the distress that had been evident moments before. The med droid's arrival shook her from her reverie and her brief bout of sentiment evaporated as quickly as it had come on. However, she did instruct the droid to let her patient sleep without drugs and restraints. She somehow did not think he would need them anymore.
Wrecker awoke to the feel of 99's hand in his again. "99! You're back!"
"Shh, shh, don't alert the med droid! I can't stay long but I brought you a friend to keep you company." He placed something in Wrecker's hands.
Wrecker felt the outline of the soft, squishy object. It clearly had arms and legs, and a head with very long ears. It felt nice to hold. "What is it?"
"It's a tooka doll. Look, here are it's eyes, and mouth…" He moved Wrecker's big fingers over the face of it. "It's not much, but at least now you won't be alone."
"Ah, it's great, 99! Thanks! I think I'll call it...Lula!" Wrecker hugged the doll close, feeling more comforted than he had since the fall. And maybe even before that.
Two weeks later, Wrecker made his way towards his squad's room alone. Truthfully he didn't really have clearance to leave, but he'd pestered the droid enough that it finally gave up and promised to alter the records if Wrecker promised to never come back. The bandages were finally off. He could see just fine with his right eye, the left was just light and dark and vague shapes. The ringing in his ears had finally stopped and he could hear more clearly now, though words were still indistinct on the left side. The bacta had healed the wounds on his head remarkably well, but he was left with a wicked scar. That was all right - honestly, he thought it looked kind of cool. He didn't even mind the bald head - plenty of the older clones shaved theirs once they got out in the field. All in all he felt he was adapting rather well.
Until he tried to make his way down the hall. He kept one hand on the wall, needing the extra feedback to keep his balance. The med droid had assured him it would improve in time but there was no way he was staying in the med ward that long. He couldn't wait to get back and see his brothers! The problem was passing all the reg cadets in the hall - he flinched at every sharp look they gave him. He felt his stomach clench as he realized that one of them had done this to him. Maybe all of them. And if they thought he was a freak before…Wrecker hugged Lula a little tighter and tried to pick up the pace. He was almost home...
"Hey, look at that, guys! Is that a baby doll? Aww, the little defect took a tumble and now he needs a dolly? Ahahaha! Gimme that, you big baby!"
Wrecker's heart flew up in his throat as the nasty little reg made a swipe for his Lula, the rest of his squad egging him on. Wrecker, already towering over them all, simply held Lula up over his head and tried to press on. The pest jumped after it a few times, then gave up before he lost face in front of his squad.
"Aww, let him keep it. What kind of a loser would even think of making something like that to begin with?"
POW!
Wrecker grinned. The punch had felt good. And his aim had been true despite his messed up eye and the dizziness that was creeping up. Wrecker punched a fist in the air. "Oh yeah! I'm back!" He ran the rest of the way to his dorm, even though he stumbled a bit.
Tech registered the sharp squeeze to his ribcage before Wrecker's booming cry of, "Surprise!". Squashed between his brothers in a crushing hug from behind as they'd entered their room, his lungs' urgent demand for oxygen overshadowed his confused delight. Thankfully, Wrecker released them before he blacked out.
Sputtering and gasping for air, the trio turned to find their largest squadmate beaming ear to ear.
"Did ya miss me?"
Hunter smiled and slapped him on the back. "Of course! Welcome back, Wrecker!"
Tech cocked his head. "Yes, indeed! But your medical records indicated you were not to be discharged for several days yet."
Wrecker shrugged. "Yeah, well I made a deal with the med droid. He'd let me out early and I wouldn't crush his processor, haha!"
Crosshair swallowed his smile and waved a hand at the doll currently being flapped too near his face with each gesticulation. "What. Is. That?" he asked flatly.
Wrecker grinned more widely as he hugged the black and red tooka. "This is my Lula! 99 made it for me!"
"He made you a doll?"
"It-it got pretty lonely in there by myself, you know."
His brothers shifted awkwardly, guilt for unintentionally abandoning him squirming in the back of their minds. Being alone was not something most clones had much experience with but none of them liked the idea of it.
"Lula," Tech wondered, "Isn't that Kaminoan for-"
Hunter elbowed him, ready to shift the conversation to less uncomfortable subjects. He'd never say it, but the sight of tough, boisterous Wrecker snuggling a...doll, was a bit unsettling.
"How're you feeling, Wrecker? Ready to get back to training tomorrow?"
"Am I ever! I can't wait to get out there and smash some dummy droids!"
"Or some regs…" Crosshair muttered.
"Nah, I did that on my way here! Hahahaha!"
Any concerns his brothers had for him evaporated in the face of that rowdy laughter.
Wrecker swallowed down the bile rising in his throat and tried to breathe. It was just a normal training exercise, no big deal. Scale the wall, cross the beam to the other side, repel back down. Nothing they hadn't done a dozen times before. He had been surprised at the flutter of panic he'd felt as they approached the wall, but he thought he had it licked - he just kept his eyes straight ahead at the wall and followed his brothers. Now standing at the beginning of the narrow metal beam he made the mistake of looking down.
His chest seized, his breath escaping in shallow, panting gasps as he tried to focus on the backs of his brothers in front of him. He glanced at the Kaminoans observing them from the gallery. They had little tolerance for weakness in their creations.
"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…" he thought to himself. He slid one foot out onto the beam. His vision swam and he started seeing spots. He could feel the sweat dripping down his neck. "Don't look down, don't look down…" The other foot slid out onto the beam but his leg wouldn't stop shaking. Wrecker froze, clenching his eyes shut, though that did not stop the visions of spinning down into the black pit of his nightmares.
Sensing the vibrations from Wrecker's tremors, Hunter looked back. Through the clear shield of his training helmet, his brother's terror was evident. He alerted the others on his comm and made his way back to Wrecker's end of the beam. Gently placing a hand on his shoulder, he spoke soothingly to his brother.
"It's all right, Wrecker, we're right here with you. We won't let you fall. Can you slide your foot back a little?"
Wrecker opened his eyes, startled out of his panic enough for the shaking to stop. Hunter helped him ease back onto the platform while Tech went ahead to the other end and returned with the repelling equipment.
"Sorry, Wrecker, but there's no other way down. They've already retracted the hand holds into the wall."
Hunter got him geared up and swung the two of them down together before Wrecker could do more than howl in alarm. Of all the emotions that played swiftly across his face, it was shame that won out. He stepped away from Hunter, hugging his arms to his chest and glancing at him from the side of his eye.
"Thanks. I'll - I'll see you guys...later." He slunk out of the training room, head drooping.
Tech and Crosshair dropped down next to Hunter. All were just a bit shaken to see their seemingly invincible giant in such a state. The Kaminoans called an end to the exercise and the squad hurried back to their room. They found their normally imposing brother curled up in his bunk, clinging tightly to his "Lula."
The squad gathered round him, Tech and Crosshair looking to Hunter as usual to take the lead. "Umm, it's all right, Wrecker. We all get scared sometimes."
"Not like this! I just...I just couldn't do it! I wanted to, but my body wouldn't work right. And I get these nightmares, almost every night. I'm falling on and on forever and I'm all alone… It's terrible!"
Hunter was no psychologist, he had no idea what to say to help his friend right now. He looked to the others - Tech shrugged, Crosshair grimaced. All Hunter could think of to offer was the truth.
"I know it's hard, Wrecker, but you've got to find a way. If you can't cross the beam, you can't pass your training. If you don't pass, you won't get to be a trooper. You won't get to be with us."
Wrecker's eyes widened with a new fear and he buried his face in Lula.
Tech whispered something to Hunter, who nodded, and he quietly slipped out of the room. Hunter and Crosshair stood near him, uncomfortable in the awkward silence, worrying they'd made things worse. After a bit, Tech returned with 99 and the brothers made room for him to sit next to Wrecker.
"I see Lula is still with you." 99 was slightly surprised that a clone as old as Wrecker would be seen hugging a doll, no matter how close he was with his squadmates. But Wrecker had never been too proud to own his feelings.
"Yeah, she helps a lot. Too bad I couldn't have her with me today." Wrecker sniffed and looked at the ground.
"I heard you had a hard time on the beam. What happened?"
"When I saw how high up I was, everything just got all swirly. I was so scared of falling again, I felt sick! I couldn't even move! But if I can't do it, I'll get washed out and never be with my squad again! What do I do, 99?"
"You know, Wrecker, this fear might never go away; it's likely something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. But no matter how bad it gets, you will always have something stronger than fear."
"What? My muscles? 'Cause they don't seem to work anymore when I'm up there."
"No. Your love for your brothers, for your squad - that's stronger than anything, especially your fear. If one of your brothers were in danger, and you had to climb up very high to help him, would you do it?"
Wrecker looked around the room, slowly looking each of his brothers in the eyes. "Of course I would! I'd do anything for you guys!"
"Then you can cross that beam and finish your training? For us?" Crosshair asked quietly.
Wrecker released a deep breath and stood up, dwarfing his aged companion.
"Yeah, I can do that. They're not gonna wash me out without a fight!"
A few days later, they were back at the beam exercise. Hunter, Tech, and Crosshair each kept a wary eye out for their brother, ready to support him when needed. Though Hunter detected his elevated heart rate, the sharp tang of adrenaline in his sweat, and frequent mutterings of "I don't wanna do this!" and "Don't look down, don't look down!" Wrecker made it all the way through the exercise without stopping. He collapsed with a grin on the floor after unhooking his repelling rig. Hunter was about to congratulate him on his progress when he reached under his chest plate and pulled out...Lula.
"What is that doing here?" Crosshair growled.
Hunter elbowed him. "Hey, that thing just got him through the exercise! Looks like we'll just have to get used to it," he hissed at his sour faced companion.
Wrecker just grinned and batted Crosshair in the face with his tooka. "Aww, it's ok, Crosshair! Lula loves you too! HAHAHA!"
99 smiled as he watched the boys jostle and tease each other as they left the training room, the glow of victory lighting Wrecker's good eye. He felt a small surge of pride in his role and wondered where he might find some more fabric. After all, maybe what every boy really needed was a Lula.