Author's notes: I thought I'd be nice and post TWO chapters up this time coz I've kinda been busy with xmas coming up and haven't posted in WEEKS! Don't forget to review! Enjoy!

Ch6: dying inside

Rogue sat up in bed. She was hungry and she knew that she wouldn't eat unless she got to the kitchen herself. The only thing was that she didn't want to face anyone anymore. She couldn't face Logan anymore without feeling sick inside. She wanted out but she was afraid of hurting him if she broke up with him. She didn't want to face Remy because she was ashamed of what she had done. She didn't want to face any of the other students because she didn't want to lie to them anymore. She looked at her arm again. The cut was about two inches across and it had taken her almost two hours to get the bleeding to stop last night. She ran her fingers over it. The skin stuck out a little and the scabs were beginning to form. She winced in pain when she touched it, but she liked the feeling. She felt more alive when she felt the pain. It was a tiny reminder that she wasn't a hollow shell after all.

Rogue got up and walked over to her closet. It was a bright sunny day, but wearing a T-shirt wouldn't cover her new scar. Instead, she pulled out a tight, black cotton top and put it on. The top had long sleeves, which covered her cut, and the top was short, exposing her stomach. She grabbed her dark blue jeans and put them on. She didn't want to face anyone, let alone leave her room, but she knew even if she did stay in her room, someone would no doubt some in to see how she was doing. Rogue contemplated walking around the house barefoot, but then thought of a better idea. She was going to have a little day out by heself. She smiled to herself as she put on her black combat boots.

-Knock knock-

'Oh shit,' Rogue thought to herself. She stopped tying the shoelaces on her combat boot and looked at the door. She didn't want Logan to come in and she didn't want Remy to know she'd been cutting herself. Rogue sat motionless, hoping whoever it was behind the door would think she wasn't in there and go away.

"Rogue! I know you're in there!" Jean called out through the door.

Rogue let out her breath I relief and got up to open the door.

"Come on, Rogue! Or am I going to have to get Kitty to phase me through the-"

Rogue opened the door before Jean could finish her sentence. She didn't say anything and just stared at Jean.

Jean gulped. She hadn't had a deep and meaningful conversation with Rogue in so long and she was nervous. "I just wanted to see how you're doing," Jean smiled.

Rogue looked unimpressed. "The professor send you down here?" She asked as she leaned on the door.

Admittedly, the professor had spoken to Jean and asked her to check up on Rogue. But Jean didn't want Rogue to know that she had to go report back to the Professor.
"No, no! I just wanted to see how you're doing with the whole.. Logan thing," Jean explained.

Catching Jean off guard, Rouge suddenly grabbed Jean's top by the collar and pulled Jean into the room with such force that Jean almost lost her balance and had to run to stop herself from falling head first on the floor.

"Hey! What was that for!" Jean yelled angrily.

Rogue quickly shut the door and turned to face Jean. "Not so loud, okay! Your lucky Ah even told you about it, and ah don't want the whole mansion tah know, okay!" Rogue yelled.

Jean crossed her arms. "Well they're gonna know if you keep yelling!" Jean said in a matter-of-fact voice.

Rogue groaned to herself and threw her arms up in the air.

Jean proceeded to sit on the end of Rogue's bed and watched Rogue return to the bed to resume tying her shoelaces. "So.."

"So.." Rogue repeated, not taking her attention off her combat boots.

Jean rolled her eyes at Rogue's unwillingness to initiate the conversation. "So.. What's going on between you and Logan now?"

Rogue finished tying her shoelaces and then turned to look at Jean. "There's nothing goin' on," Rogue replied. "Ah don't want any part of it anymore," She explained.

"Anymore?"

Suddenly Rogue realised she hadn't told Jean she had continued to sleep with Logan after that night in the truck. Her eyes widened when she realised. "Um.. er.. well.. Yeah."

Jean stood up. She didn't know how to comprehend how Rogue could still be sleeping with Logan. When she saw Rogue and Logan acting like friends again, she thought they'd somehow worked past it and acted like it never happened. "You're still sleeping with him?" Jean said a little louder than she intended. She couldn't help it. She was surprised and shocked. Also a little grossed out because she didn't see Logan in a sexual way.

Rogue bowed her head. She couldn't look Jean in the eye. She was afraid of what Jean would think of her. "Was, but not anymore."

"And how long did this go on for?"

Rogue held her head in her hands and leaned her elbows on her knees. "Since a week or so after.. mah birthday. But it's over now.."

---------------------------------

Remy reached Rogue's bedroom door with the toast he'd made and smiled to himself. He was planning to bring her a mini breakfast in bed in the hopes of working something out with his ex girlfriend. The only thing was, someone was already in the room with Rogue. He lifted his hand to knock, but then he heard Rogue's voice.

"And ah don't want anything to do with him anymore." She said.

"Does Logan know?" Jean asked.

Remy put his ear to the door to listen who they were talking about.

"No."

"Well you have to tell him, Rogue! You can't go on with the poor guy thinking you still like him! I think you should tell Remy."

Remy took his ear away from the door. He was confused. So Rogue didn't like him anymore? And she hadn't told Logan yet? Remy almost dropped the plate he was holding. He thought that Rogue still loved him, but now it sounded like she didn't. It was confusing because he saw the look in Rogue's eyes when he'd returned, but now he's hearing her say she likes Logan now?

Remy, feeling shot down, headed back to the boys dorms. He wanted to make things right again and tell Rogue that he still loved her. He was sure of it. But now he wasn't so sure. He was sure that Rogue still loved him, and the memories she passed onto him confirmed it. But now, hearing her, he was sure she'd just said that she didn't.

Poor Remy had no idea that Rogue was really talking about breaking it off with Logan and not himself.

-----------------------------------

"Tell Remy?" Rogue replied. "Why!"

Jean huffed and rolled her eyes. "So that he knows you really do still love him, you dingbat! But you have to tell Logan it's over first!"

She knew Jean was right. "Ah plan to tell Logan that it's over. Just not.. now. As for Remy, ah know he doesn't like me anymore!"

Jean put a hand on Rogue's hand. "Trust the telepath when I say that guy still loves you."

Rogue crossed her arms when Jean touched her hand. She was still slowly getting used to the idea of being able to have physical contact with people. "Yeah well all ah see is him glaring at me all the time. He's mad because he knows about me and Logan."

"How did he figure it out?" Jean asked. She had no idea how Remy could have known because he's been gone more than a month from the mansion.

Rogue went on to explain to Jean how she'd accidentally passed on her memories to Remy.

"Oh my God!" Jean exclaimed and put her hands to her wide-open mouth. "No wonder he was such a prick around Logan!"

Rogue nodded. She didn't want to think about it anymore. She had planned to get out of the mansion for the day, and get out she will. "Ah need to get out and think." Rogue said suddenly. She got up and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Jean asked, getting up also.

"Out. Ah need tah get away from everyone for ah few hours!" Rogue replied.

"I'll come," Jean said, heading towards Rogue.

Rogue opened the door to her room and stopped. She turned, looked at Jean and shook her head. "No. Ah need tah be alone for ah while." Rogue stepped outside her room and looked down the hallway. She could've sworn she'd seen Remy turn the corner out of the hallway, but she wasn't sure. She shrugged it off, thinking Remy would never come see her of his own free will, and turned to Jean instead. "Look. Ah know you're trying tah help, and.. thank you. But ah just don't feel like socialising right now."

Jean nodded in understanding. "Okay. But you know where I am if you need, okay?"

Rogue smiled and nodded. She then left the girls dorms and headed to the garage.

--------------------------

Remy returned to his dorm. He walked across the large bedroom, over to the double doors that lead to the balcony and opened them. His balcony looked out onto the front yard of the mansion. He placed the plate with his now cold toast on the railing. With his hands now free, Remy lifted himself up onto the railing so that he was sitting on the large, thick concrete railing with his legs hanging over the edge.

He admired the view of the beautifully maintained front garden as he ate his horribly cold, soggy toast. Storm did an amazing job with the garden. The sun was shining in from the left and he cursed himself for forgetting to put his sunglasses on again. He debated getting off the balcony and getting them from his bedside table, but he decided that was too much effort so early in the morning (9:46am).

Remy really loved sitting out on his balcony. Sitting there helped him to think. And right now he had a lot to think about.

'Maybe Rogue really is trying to move on,' Remy thought to himself. Maybe it's all my fault. Maybe if I didn't give her such a cold shoulder last night in the danger room, she wouldn't be trying to get over me so quickly.' Remy sighed to himself. He wasn't hungry anymore and the toast had gotten kinda disgustingly soggy.

Remy leaned forward to see the ground below him. He was two stories up but he wasn't afraid of falling. He didn't really care anymore. He remembered when he used to know what was going on in his life. Even earlier that morning in the kitchen, he thought he knew that Rogue loved him and that he could make everything better by asking her to take him back. But after eavesdropping on Rogue's conversation with Jean, he didn't know anymore.

'Remy you stupid fool.'

A low rumbling sound snapped Remy out of his thoughts. He looked below and he realised it was the sound of the garage opening. He watched to see who was going out, figuring that maybe one of the students would be heading out. What Remy didn't expect to see was Rogue pushing her motorbike out onto the driveway.

Remy couldn't help but stare at Rogue. He knew that once Rogue gained control over her powers, she was more confident in wearing more revealing clothing. And admittedly, he loved seeing her dress that way. He saw her wearing her midriff exposed top and her hip hugging jeans. Her studded belt shone in the sunlight and it only accentuated her exposed hips more. Her hair was long now and ran halfway down her back.

"Rogue," Remy said to himself.

He and the other students had pitched in and got her the motorbike for her twenty-first birthday. Logan was getting sick of her 'borrowing' his all the time and Remy didn't mind giving Rogue lifts on his, so that she could hug him as he drove her around. But Rogue still wanted her own bike. Remy regretted not being there on her twenty-first to see her reaction when the other students handed it to her. He remembered when he and Scott had gone to the shop to pick out a bike for her. They picked one that was painted emerald green, her favourite colour. Remy had ordered a bike helmet to be specially made for Rogue.

He watched her put on her bike helmet and get on the bike. The bike helmet was black, with Rogue's name painted on the back in emerald green cursive writing.

Remy wondered if she really did love the name written on the back of the helmet. "Well at least she's wearing it," Remy said to himself.

Remy longed to talk to Rogue again. He was mad at himself, not because he thought she was getting over him, but because he realised what he'd lost. He left because he only let his relationships with women get so far, and now Rogue was further away from him than he could ever imagine. He realised that he needed her more than he ever imagined and he realised his mistake.

"You're such a stupid fool, Remy."

-------------------------

Logan sat in the kitchen until about 10:30am. He'd already finished reading his paper and Rogue still hadn't arrived to have breakfast. He figured maybe she was moping in her room and he decided to go see if he could cheer her up.

He tucked his paper under his arm and headed out of the kitchen. As he headed up the stairs to the girl's dorms, he saw Jean heading his way. The way Jean looked at him confirmed that she knew something about himself and Rogue. She was acting like she didn't know, and Logan could smell it. No doubt Rogue told her, or she used her telepathic powers to find out.

"Hey, Red. Seen Rogue around?" He asked casually.

For some reason, Jean wished she didn't know that Logan had been sleeping with Rogue. Now that she knew it had continued on after Rogue's birthday, Jean felt weird around Logan. She felt grossed out about thinking of Logan as a sexual being. And by the look on Logan's face, she knew that he knew that she knew.

"Um.. yeah. She just left," Jean tried to say casually.

"Left?" Logan asked. "Left where?"

Jean sensed something in Logan change. She couldn't explain it and she didn't want to let Logan know. So, Jean shrugged in response. "She said she was going out for a bit." And then walked off. She couldn't stand the aura she was picking up off Logan. It scared her. When she told him that Rogue had left, he seemed almost jealous for some reason. Possibly even mad that Rogue had gone out without him. The feelings of possessiveness Jean could feel made her sick to her stomach. She had to get out of there. She wanted to tell the professor, but she wanted Rogue to tell Logan it was over first. She wanted Rogue to tell him before the professor intervened.

-------------------------------

Rogue didn't return to the mansion until well after dinnertime. She remembered to call the professor during the day to tell him she'd be missing dinner, otherwise she would have had to suffer yet another one of the professor's lectures. It was almost 9pm, and she didn't want to disturb anyone. So she rode her motorbike up to the gates of the mansion and then got off. She turned off the engine and pushed her motorbike up the long driveway. After she parked the bike in the garage, she made her way back to her room.

She'd had a pleasant day. She rode down to the beach and walked along the sand to think. She figured that Jean was right and that she should break up with Logan straight away. She didn't know if she really believed Jean though when she said that Remy really does love her. Now that she was home, she was nervous. She knew she had to tell Logan, but like with most break ups, they drive your mind crazy. She'd never had to break up with anyone before, and it scared her. She didn't know how Logan would react.

Rogue continued to her room and figured that she'd do it first thing the next morning. She really wanted to rest after her day out and she still didn't know what to say to Logan just yet. However, as Rogue reached her room, she saw that her bedroom door was open and the light was on. Rogue felt a sinking feeling in her gut. She knew none of the girls would enter her room without permission because they knew they'd have to face her wrath if they did. She found it highly unlikely that any of the boys, or Remy would go anywhere near her room, so that left only one person. Rogue stopped walking and stood motionless only metres away from her doorway.

"Oh Fuck."