Chapter 14

Part 1: Taste

It had been two weeks since Denny died and even if you couldn't say Izzie was fine you could say she was better. After her talk with George, the Dr Stevens stopped talking to any of them except if it was necessary. They never saw her cry, but her eyes were always blood shot and black circles under her eyes revealed that sleep was not friendly to her. Her temper was short and all her emotions seemed to have duplicate and become violent. She never laughed or smiled and her Alex hadn't talk since then.

But after spending two weeks in a solitary confinement, Izzie had finally reached out to them. She still didn't smile or laugh, but she talked to them, though rarely about Denny. She was not ready yet. She still cried at night, but sleep was slowly winning the battle against her painful emotions.

When Meredith entered the house, she found Izzie surrounded by all sort of bakeries and still making some more. She was currently eating enormous bites from one of the chocolate muffins she baked and mixing with the other hand some eggs with some flour and milk.

"Ok, not that I am complaining because obviously I am grateful to have something to eat, but what are you doing?"

"I am just baking, Meredith," said Izzie rolling her eyes at her. Her temper had improved, but it still wasn't as cheery has it used to be.

"I know that. I meant, why did you transform this place into Friendly's dessert menu?"

"I just felt like cooking, okay?"

"Okay!" Meredith said a bit annoyed.

"I'm sorry. I'm just…" Izzie sighted in frustration against herself.

"I know. I'm the one who's sorry," said Meredith smiling at her friend in apology. "So what did you make?" she added to lighten the conversation.

"Well, I made some chocolate muffins, some chocolate cookies and some chocolate cakes."

"Wow! A lot of chocolate?" Izzie glared at her in vexed a manner. "I am not complaining. I love chocolate. I just meant that you made a lot of it."

"Whatever," said Izzie feeling already tired of that conversation. "McDreamy stopped here two hours ago."

"What did he want?"

"To borrow a CD."

"Why? Which one?"

"Your Black Box Recorder one."

"But he hates them!"

Izzie just shrugged. It took Meredith only a few seconds to realize why he had wanted that CD.

But Derek I love you. In a really really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you love you. So pick me, choose me, love me!

Meredith winced at the memory she tried for so long to forget. No matter how much time had passed, how many men she slept with or how many time she told herself she was over him this single memory still made her want to curl up in a ball in the corner of her room, cry all the tears she had in her body and never come out, never let a single soul see how much this man that clearly could live without her with one word could destroy her to the point where she didn't think she could go on, where she could not look at herself in the mirror without feeling complete disgust and loath for the reflection she saw there.

Meredith grabbed one of Izzie's muffins as tears made their way to the corner of her eyes only to find out that she had no saliva left and that her throat had tightened again. She had to cough many times before she could swallow the small bite she took.

"Meredith, are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said with a small voice she tried to make stronger. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him that I wasn't working and that because of this I could tell him to go to hell. I was right to do that? You two aren't friends or anything? You are still fighting, right?"

"Yes, yes. You were right. We're not really fighting. We're just not on good terms."

"What happened?"

"Nothing worth mentioning, really," she lied. "Want to watch some TV?"

"No, thank you. I think I'll continue baking."

"Suit your self," answered Meredith walking to the living. There she opened the TV and pretended to be watching it when in fact her mind was miles away in the OR, still replaying the same scene over and over again. Only once did it change. It went to a lab room where a dark haired man spoke three words that could make all the pain of that first scene go away.

Part 2: Knowing

"Have you spoken to him yet?" asked Cristina one morning after her and Meredith were both assigned to the same case.

"No and I am not going to," answered Meredith not even pretending not to know who Cristina was referring to. Her friend raised her eyebrows which irritated Meredith even more. "We said everything we needed to say."

"You know you will have to talk to him eventually. He's your boss and he might have left you alone for three weeks which I don't know why, but you know you will have to work with him eventually. Burke can't continue protecting you like that."

"I am not asking him to. Beside even if I work with him I don't have to talk to him about something else than our patient."

"Right and he won't say anything. He'll just act like nothing happened."

"Even if he does want to talk about it I don't have to listen."

"Because you don't care about what he'll have to say," Cristina laughed at her friend obvious denying state.

"I don't. I have a boyfriend you know."

"Yeah, who you last saw two weeks ago."

"I am seeing him again this weekend."

"Look, you know I don't want to tell you what to do. I know you can take care of yourself. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing."

"I do," answered Meredith with more conviction than she really felt. She hadn't told Cristina about every signs Derek still gave her to tell her how much he loved her and she wasn't going to.

"Alright, as long as you know," nodded Cristina in approval "Now, what do you think he used? Morphine?"

Meredith felt relieved that they were not going to continue this conversation, but Cristina's word had awoken the fear she had tried not to think about. What would she do when he would get tired and confront her again?

Part 3: They Were Two

Meredith was sitting on her couch next to Mark. They had decided to rent a couple of movies and watch them together. They were too tired to go out and anyway the last time they tried to go to a restaurant together they had found they had nothing to say to each other. Watching a movie didn't require them to talk which was exactly what they needed.

Mark had felt like renting Psycho and Meredith had done her best to concentrate on the movie, but they hadn't watch the shower scene that she was already somewhere else.

I love you

She heard Derek say in her mind. Love?

Cristina had told her the day before how that morning she had awoken to find that Burke was already up and making breakfast in the kitchen. She had opened the door of their room silently and stopped to watch him for a second. He was dancing and singing to a song on the radio while cooking some French toast and she had found him so cute that she had stayed there to stare at him for a few minutes. Well, that wasn't exactly the word she used to describe him, but it is what she meant. He then stopped singing and putted the French toasts in a plate before saying in a cheery tone, "Mr. and Mrs. Burke. Mrs. Cristina Burke."

Cristina had then proceeded to tell her how ridiculous she found him and how his attitude made her feel sick, but Meredith had detected some happiness in the way her friend told her this story and maybe her ego had been more than a little flattered. She didn't say a word of this to Cristina though. She valued her life too much.

Meredith still couldn't believe that her friend was getting married. Marriage?

For some reason she could not picture herself married to Mark. She did not even think about it and their relationship had lasted longer than hers and Derek had. Why was it that after such a short amount of time she had assumed that she would spend the rest of her life with Derek, but she couldn't do the same with the man she had refused him for? Was it love again?

Izzie and Alex had finally started talking again. They had a date that went well. They still hadn't talked about their obvious problem, but what happened to her friends told Meredith that they would be fine.

Izzie had been not a little excited to tell her the news. She and Alex had had lunch together. She had ordered a salad with some fries that they shared. After talking and eating together for a while, she realized she had forgotten her muffin. She had asked Alex to get it for her and after a little bit of pouting he accepted. "I must really love you," he had added without noticing the importance of what he had said. She had not said a word about it for the whole meal and he still hadn't notice. As they both went back to work she finally said "I love you too" before leaving him there in shock, but also happy.

Happiness! Another thing Meredith didn't feel when she was with Mark. It was not that she hated him or felt indifferent to him. If anything he was one of the best friends she ever had. He understood her, never judged her and rarely reproached her anything. She rarely ever had that degree of understanding with someone. But was it enough?

Meredith studied Mark's face as he was watching the movie. His forehead indicated that he was in deep concentration, but his empty eyes said that it wasn't the movie that had all his attention.

Addison had left for New-York for some time now. Her absence probably pained him more than he ever let on.

"Addison left for how long, now?" she suddenly asked him.

"I am sorry. What did you say?" Mark said coming back from his thoughts.

"I was wondering how long it has been since the Dr Montgomery left."

"A month and a half, exactly today." Meredith nodded.

"Do you miss her?"

Mark stayed quiet.

"Do you?" she repeated.

"Every day."

Meredith nodded again and they both continued pretending to watch the movie in silence. After a long and difficult reflection, she said what was on both their mind for quite some time now.

"Go back to her."

"What?" he exclaimed confused.

"Go back to her!" she repeated.

"Meredith, I can't do that. What about us?"

"What about us? Can you honestly say you're happy?"

"I don't understand."

"It's simple. Yes or no."

"But…"

"Look, I am flattered to see how much you care, but this is too important. We can't keep lying to each other forever! Now, tell me. Do I make you as happy as Addison did?"

Mark sighed in defeat. "No." he said softly and then added "I really cared, you know? And if things had been different…"

"If Addison and Derek hadn't existed… I know," she assured him.

"There is no reason for me to stay now. I'll just take the tape and go home."

"You don't have to go now!"

"No, I really should head home. I'm tired and I've got to give my resignation to Weber early tomorrow so…"

After taking the tape, Mark opened the door to the house.

"What a sad pair we made," Mark laughed as he left the house.

"That we were," Meredith approved jokingly.

"Are you gonna go back to him?" he added in a more serious tone.

"I don't know. I don't think I can trust him again."

Mark nodded before adding, "He loves you, you know?"

"I do."

"Very well. Then goodbye, lusty intern."

"Goodbye, Mark!" Meredith laughed closing the door behind him.

She still didn't know what to do about Derek, but Meredith knew that that night she had made the right decision. And even if some part of her was sad it felt good.

AN: Well, I don't think anyone is interested in reading this fic after I was gone for all summer, but just in case I though I'd post this.