chapter 10
Hogwarts, Third year...
Whoever said Sirius Black and James Potter were the most charismatic and attractive third years in Hogwarts were either insanely blind or were yet to meet Remus Lupin. At least in Sirius's opinion.
It had all started the day posters for the Halloween Ball had been put up on the notice boards. They'd all been at dinner, stuffing their faces with lasagna and chicken, for once, not really interested in causing havoc. The entire hall was noisy with chatter, where the girls were restless over what costumes they would wear and who were going to be their potential partners for the dance. The boys on the other hand, James, Peter, Sirius and Remus included, had better things to be excited about.
'I heard the seventh years are going to spike the punch!' exclaimed Peter, spraying James and Sirius with chicken.
Sirius wiped his face with a napkin in disgust. 'You can barely hold your food, Pettigrew. Alcohol is hardly an option.'
Peter huffed indignantly and Remus patted him sympathetically in the back.
'Did you manage to get a date yet, Pete, or are you planning to go stag?' asked James from beside Sirius. His eyes drifted a little to the right where Evans was sitting.
'Nah, I managed to get Fiona Edgecomb to go with me,' Peter replied proudly.
Sirius stifled a chuckle. 'She's the right size for you, too. Have you seen her-OWW!' he yelped, as Remus kicked him in the shins. 'What did you do that for?'
Remus ignored Sirius and turned to Peter instead. 'Good for you, Peter. I'm sure she's very nice.'
James rolled his eyes. 'Well, I'm taking Harriett Noon, the new seeker in Ravenclaw.'
Sirius smirked at his best friend. He knew exactly why James was taking her – Harriett's lips were a legend in the third year boy's dorms - but then again, who was he to judge? He did this sort of thing all the time. He'd decided to take Tyra Stevens to the ball. It only seemed logical, since the whole school thought she was his girlfriend. Sirius himself didn't particularly see it that way, but he wasn't complaining. She let him snog her when he felt like it, didn't ask him to spend much time with her, and she kept away the rest of the annoying girls from swooning over him. She was, in other words, convenient.
'What about you, Rem,' James said, winking at him. 'You find anyone to go with?'
Remus shrugged, swallowing the last of his food and putting down his fork. 'Actually, I'm –'
That's when Remus was cut off by a very pretty girl tapping on his shoulder. Sirius remembered her, not by name but by her face. He remembered liking her long brown curls and commenting flirtatiously on her bright blue eyes. He also remembered that she'd been particularly annoying. Throughout their short relationship, it seemed, she could do nothing but talk about how sweet, kind, and wonderful Remus was. Sirius didn't need some Hufflepuff bint to tell him how wonderful Remus was. He already knew it. He practicallylived with the boy!
Even now, Sirius could feel himself scowling. He didn't like the way she looked at Remus. Not one bit. He pretended not to care, as he watched through hooded lids, transfixed at how Remus turned his head ever so slowly, brushing an errant strand of hair out of his eyes elegantly. So elegantly that one could have mistaken it as the touch of a breeze. Then, he smiled. Sirius loved Remus's smile. It was just barely there, but it always managed to reach his eyes and spoke of warmth, and friendliness, and compassion. Till today, that smile never failed to calm Sirius down. And judging by the way the girl's shoulders relaxed, Sirius could only assume that he wasn't the only one who thought so.
'Hello, Clarissa,' said Remus, looking up at her.
Clarissa smiled. 'Hey, Remus. Listen, I was wondering...'She tucked her hair behind her ears. 'I mean, you know, if you wanted to go to the ball with me?'
The nerve, fumed Sirius. As if he would.
Remus's smiled never faltered, as he took both her hands in his and leaned up to place a chaste kiss
on her cheek. Clarissa blushed a violent red, her blue eyes instantly glazing over. 'What a flirt,' James muttered, voicing Sirius's own thoughts.
'I'm sorry, Clarissa. I wish you'd asked me sooner, but I already asked Lily to go with me,' replied Remus, looking towards Lily and smiling.
Both Sirius and James's forks fell out of their hands and noisily onto their plates. They looked at each other disbelievingly. No fucking way.
Her face fell. 'Oh,' she said, disappointedly. 'Okay. I'll see you around then.' She shot a nasty look towards where Lily Evans was sitting and then left towards the Hufflepuff table.
Peter whistled. 'So you're going with Evans, eh?' he said, nudging Remus playfully in the ribs.
James and Sirius both shut their gaping mouths, but James was the first to speak among the two of them. 'Do you like her?' he asked immediately.
Remus piled a large spoonful of pudding into his bowl. 'Not in the romantic sense, no.' He saw both Sirius and James let out a sigh of relief and smiled as they both picked their forks up again to resume eating. It was comical really, the way everything they did was so unintentionally synchronized – like conjoint twins. 'She's a good friend, and I figured it would be best to take someone I'm comfortable talking to rather than some complete stranger who only looks pretty on the outside.'
Sirius and James nodded, albeit grudgingly. Sirius, for one, didn't like where this was going.
'Well, good for you, mate,' said Peter, ruffling Remus's hair.
Neither of them noticed their two best friends shoot two very different glances towards Lily Evans, across the table.
xxx
It was the evening before the ball and the common room was practically deserted, mostly because people, like Frank Longbottom, were busy preparing their costumes for the ball or trying to get a goodnight's sleep like monsieur Peter Pettigrew. However, others like James Potter and Sirius Black took this free time as an opportunity to glare at the back of their best friend's head.
Said best friend, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to the murderous stares he was receiving from the common room couch and was busy discussing the defining characteristics of Hinkypunks with a certain red head.
'Look at them,' muttered Sirius, growling, as Evans laughed loudly at something Remus said and rested her hand over his. 'You would think they were glued to each other.'
James scowled at the very same scene. 'All cosied up and studying,' he said, disgruntled. 'Every single hour of every single day.'
Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. 'It's like I don't even exist anymore.' He picked ruthlessly at the sleeve of his sweater. 'I don't even remember when he spent some time with us last.'
Now, anyone who knew James and Sirius well enough could have easily detected the exaggeration in their speech. For one, Remus had only helped them with their homework four hours ago and engaged in a friendly little dogfight on James's bed later, only stopping when Peter decided he was tired and needed sleep. Also, (as Remus Lupin would argue), he really didn't spend that much time with Lily Evans. He just helped her out occasionally with schoolwork when she asked for it. So she came a little more frequently than she used to, it wasn't really enough to be miffed over.
'He?' James startled suddenly, as if realising what they were talking about. 'Oh! Er...yeah,' he said ruffling his hair. 'Yeah, I mean, we're supposed to be his bestest and closest friends, not that Evans girl.'
'Absolutely,' agreed Sirius. He looked back at Remus, and his eyes widened comically as Evans moved her chair closer and leaned over the brunette. That's when something in Sirius finally snapped. 'Right. That's it.' He stood up, grabbing James by the wrist. 'We're getting Remus back.'
Remus, the poor naïve boy, was so deeply immersed in the subject of Hinkypunks that he'd completely overlooked Lily Evan's obvious advances. In fact, it was only when he felt two arms wrap underneath his arm pits and over his shoulders, did he come back to the real world. He slowly looked up, to find the looming figures of his two best friends on either side of him.
'Er...guys?' he asked hesitantly.
'Good evening, Remus. How are you faring this wonderful day?' said Sirius pleasantly, his accent sounding even more posh than usual. He glared at Lily from the corner of his eyes.
James, on the other hand, grinned at the red head and ran his unoccupied hand through his black hair. 'Sorry, Evans. Pressing matters, you see. And drastic times do call for drastic measures.'
Sirius scowled. 'So if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking Remus with us.'
With that, the two of them hoisted Remus out of his chair by his armpits and walked out of the portrait hole, leaving Lily Evans blinking in her seat in confusion. She finally huffed and got up to pack her books. Honestly, those boys had no tact or manners, unlike Remus...
xxx
'See you at the ball, lads!' screamed out Remus as he flung his first copy of Marvin the Mad Muggle on to the bed and picked up a small bouquet of flowers on the way. He was a little more than late, but he'd gotten caught up with the comic, and James and Sirius had 'forgotten' to remind him of the time.
He ran down the stairs and would have almost collided with Lily Evans if he hadn't caught himself at the right time. 'Hi,' he panted out, still trying to catch his breath. 'Have you been waiting long?'
Lily frowned and crossed her arms. 'I have, actually.'
Remus grinned and gracefully held out the bouquet to her. 'Sorry. Mum says flowers always make a girl happy. Oh, and you look really pretty.'
Lily rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smile spreading across her face. 'Fine,' she said exasperatedly, accepting the flowers and inwardly marveling at how beautiful they were. She cocked her head, as she surveyed his costume. 'So, what are you supposed to be?'
Remus rubbed the back of his neck abashedly. 'I'm not really sure. Dressing up seemed...difficult, so I figured I'd just go as the 'Remus outside school'. Besides, mum always says my hair's too long for any respectable boy my age, so I was also hoping I'd look like a thug or something.'
Lily laughed as her eyes raked over Remus's slim form. He was wearing a pair of ordinary denim jeans, a plain white t-shirt and a black jacket to finish. It was true; he had probably donned the first pair of casuals he'd gotten his hands on, but still...he looked absolutely adorable, in Lily's opinion, at least.
'So, my dear, Miss Evans, shall we leave? I was under the impression we were late,' said Remus, offering her his elbow.
Lily startled out of her thoughts, blushed, and took the proffered hand.
The ball had gone remarkably well, according to Remus. Taking Lily had been a smart choice. She was intelligent, an avid conversationalist, and she despised dancing as much as he did, which gave Remus the opportunity to concentrate on the excellent food without appearing too impolite. He avoided the punch, however. It wasn't a good idea to get drunk when you had so many secrets to hide.
In fact, the entire evening had gone splendidly until the end of the ball, when he and Lily had walked back to common room. Remus had escorted her to the front of the stairs leading to the girl's dormitories, and they had both paused to say good night before heading off to bed.
'Thanks for a wonderful evening, Remus,' said Lily, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.
Remus smiled. 'Pleasure. I don't know what I'd be doing without you,' he said sincerely. 'Probably dancing all night to some song I don't even like with some giggly girl or something.'
Lily smiled shyly, fidgeting with her dress. 'Yeah, I guess.'
Remus ignored the odd behaviour. 'Well, goodnight, then,' he said, bending down to place a chaste kiss on her cheek.
However, just when he'd come close enough, Lily suddenly turned her head, so that his lips brushed over hers in a brief kiss. Remus immediately jumped back, eyes wide with shock. What the hell? Lily, on the other hand, seemed to be staring at him with a flicker of hope on her face.
He touched his lips with his fingers. 'Lily...'
Lily reached out for his hand. 'I like you, Remus...a lot.'
Remus snatched his hand back as if it had been burned. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to be good friends and that's all. Why did she have to make things so complicated? 'I-I'm sorry you feel that way, Lily. And I like you, too, I do, but just as a friend.'
She looked determinedly into his eyes. 'Why did you ask me then? Why did you ask me to go to the ball with you?'
Remus looked away, shrugging. 'I-You were the closest friend I had who was a girl. I just thought –'
'Thought what, Remus?' she lashed out, losing control of herself before he could complete his sentence.
Remus's eyes widened, as he unconsciously took a step back. 'I don't know...'
She looked away, trying and failing to hide her tears. 'Damn it, Remus! You can't just be so wonderful to me and then tell me that I'm just a friend!'
He ran a shaking hand through his hair. 'I'm sorry. I-This wasn't supposed to mean anything,' he said desperately, hoping she'd understand.
Suddenly, Lily grabbed him by his shoulders and kissed him hard on the mouth, slipping one hand to his neck to keep him from moving away. Remus stiffened, and he just stood there while she kissed him, unmoving and unresponsive. His mind was in frenzy and his body screamed to move away, but he couldn't do that without hurting her.
When she's finally pulled away, her eyes were red and shining with tears. 'It meant something to me,' she whispered, looking down. 'It meant something to me,' she repeated loudly this time, tightening her hold on Remus's neck when she felt him trying to move away. She looked back into his shocked amber eyes, her sorrow now replaced by a growing anger. 'You're horrible, Remus Lupin. Did you know that?' she whispered viciously, moving her face dangerously close to his. 'You're so selfish that you never bother to look outside yourself to notice, or consider other people's feelings. You don't care about anyone, or anything around you. There's just you, and those friends of yours.'
Remus's expression changed to something completely unreadable. 'Lily, don't,' he said trying to dislodge her grip as gently as he could.
Lily laughed bitterly and let him go, climbing higher up the stairs. 'You run around with Black and Potter, having fun at other's expense. I bet this was just another one of your sick jokes, wasn't it? Let's see who can stomp on Lily Evan's heart first or get her first kiss. Well, you win, I guess.' She looked at him with so much hatred and contempt that Remus inwardly flinched. 'I hate you, Remus
Lupin. I hate you so much,' she whispered before disappearing into the bend.
Remus stared at the staircase for a while, not quite in shock, but still unbelieving of how a perfect evening could have spiralled to rock bottom, so fast. He finally sighed, running a tired hand over his face and walked to the couch beside the common room fire. Instead of sitting on the couch, he flopped down heavily on the ground, letting his head fall back on the soft red cushion. He could still hear Lily's spiteful words in his head and as much as he knew that they'd only been uttered in a fitful of anger, it still hurt.
He sighed again, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of the fire calm him. 'Do you usually watch your best friends non-existent love life crumble in the common room, Sirius, or is this just a passing phase?'
There was a loud crash of someone stumbling down the stairs, and Sirius appeared in front of him moments later, fighting a bright shade of red that was slowly creeping into his face.
'How did you know I was there?' he said, straightening his hair with his hands. Remus lifted his head, allowing Sirius to sit on the couch above him. 'I sensed you.'
Sirius tucked his feet underneath him, as he settled down. 'You always say that,' he said, frowning. 'Is it the wolf?'
Remus chuckled. 'No, it's the boy.'
Sirius bit his lip, as he looked into Remus's eyes. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on the conversation between Evans and his friend. He'd just been returning from the ball himself, when the two of them had come in and for some reason or the other, took to hiding in the stairwell. He would have gladly smashed Evans's face if he could but at that time, he figured Remus wouldn't exactly appreciate his best friend spying on him, even if it were accidental.
Sirius knew that despite the façade, his friend was hurt by Evans's words, and he struggled to say something even remotely reassuring. This comfort thing wasn't exactly his field of expertise. It was usually James or Remus who took care of them with encouraging words and pats on the back. But then again, Sirius realised as he looked down, he didn't have to do anything because Remus had made himself comfortable on his own, laying his head down on Sirius's left leg. Sirius watched amber eyes close slowly in reaction to his hands unconsciously carding through honey brown locks.
It was odd, thought Sirius. Only a year ago, he had despised and scorned any sort of physical contact. However, it was hard to avoid something like that when you lived with Peter, James and Remus...especially Remus, who seemed to crave affection before and after full moons. Perhaps it was because of his upbringing; perhaps it was because the gesture made him feel human. Whatever it was, Sirius liked to think that Remus turned more to him than James or Peter.
'What are you doing back so early?' asked Remus, hugging Sirius's knee.
'I got tired. Peter and James got here earlier and passed out before they made it to the bed. I warned them against the punch,' said Sirius in a condescending tone.
Remus chuckled. 'And let me guess, unlike our two drunken little friends, the great Sirius Black is as steady as a pole?'
Sirius rolled his eyes, though Remus didn't see it. 'Of course. I've been served alcohol since the age of seven. A few drops into the punch are hardly going to get me inebriated.'
'Mm...' Remus traced the outline of a star just above the knee of Sirius's purple robes. 'Sirius, who are you supposed to be?'
Sirius snorted. 'Merlin.'
Remus frowned. 'I thought Merlin had a long white beard with hair to match. You know... Dumbledore style.'
Sirius rolled a lock of brown hair between his fingers. 'Yes, but the beard makes me look old. I merely assumed Merlin must have been young at some point in his life, so why not honour that age?'
Remus laughed. 'You're insane, you know that, right?'
'I like to think of myself as unique.'
'Yeah, if unique is another word for, completely off your rockers.'
Sirius mock huffed. 'Now you're just being hurtful, Remus Lupin.'
Remus closed his eyes again, pressing his cheek further into Sirius's thigh. 'Well, I'm just that horrible, aren't I?'
It was supposed to come out as a lighthearted comment, but it didn't take a genius to see that Remus believed every word of it. That bitch, thought Sirius, before he roughly grabbed Remus's chin to face him. 'Oi, you're nothing of the sort, do you understand me?' He stroked his friend's cheek affectionately with his thumb. 'You're smart, kind, witty, and you're my best friend. That stupid bint doesn't know what she's talking about. You can't help it if you're irresistible to the ladies.'
Remus laughed, snuggling deeper into Sirius's robes. 'You always know what to say, Sirius.'
xxx
Sirius sighed and rested his head against the train window. This Christmas had been particularly nasty. The rows between his mother and him seemed to be increasing in intensity with every year passing. He didn't know why he even bothered to go back home anymore. Well, it was good to be going back to school in any case. He missed his friends terribly as much as he hated to admit it. There was very little entertainment at Grimmauld place, and Regulus was even more of an arrogant bastard than Sirius had been at that age. At least, he'd been a smart, arrogant bastard, but Regulus... Regulus seemed to have inherited a large part of Narcissa's brain cells.
Suddenly, there was whisper in his ear. 'Sirius...'
Sirius shivered involuntarily and opened his eyes. He looked towards Peter, who was busy unwrapping a chocolate frog. 'Did you say something, Peter?'
Peter looked up, confused. 'No? Why?'
Sirius shook his head. 'Nothing. Just thought I heard something.' He'd almost closed his eyes, when he heard it again.
'Sirius...'
He looked around, confused. He quickly scanned the compartment for anything suspicious.
Suddenly, something tugged at his leg. 'Peter, your wand out, now!' said Sirius, grabbing his own from inside his robes. He pointed it into still air, feeling foolish, but heart beating at a mad pace. 'Show yourself!'
There was silence for a while, as Sirius's eyes darted back and forth, ignoring Peter's whimpers. Then, the air in front of him burst into giggles and there was a slight shimmer before the figure James Potter emerged out of thin air, holding a silver cloak in his hands.
Sirius relaxed into the seat. 'James...'
James was still laughing, bending over and clutching his stomach. 'You should have seen your faces. Pete looked like he was going to wet himself.'
Sirius put his wand back into his pockets. 'I wouldn't be surprised if he did.' He stared with awe at the silver material in James's hands. 'An invisibility cloak. These things are impossible to get.'
James flopped down beside Peter, grinning. 'I know,' he said smugly. 'I was cleaning out the attic this Christmas as punishment and found this little beauty. It's dad's old cloak. I think he's forgotten about it, so I just...er...borrowed it. Mind you, if dad ever finds out...' He carefully folded the cloak and set it on the seat beside him. 'Is Remus here yet?'
Sirius shook his head. 'Full moon last night. I expect he'll be a little late.'
James nodded and slid out of his seat, kneeling down on the ground. 'Good. I found something else in the attic that I needed to show you.' He quickly shrugged off his bag pack and fumbled inside it, until he found what he was looking for. It was an obscenely large book with traces of dust still lingering at the edges. The pages had gone a sick yellow colour and looked as if one good blow could turn it into dust.
'What this, The Potter Family History?' asked Sirius, eyeing the book distastefully, as he and Peter joined James on the floor.
'It's a book on Transfiguration...the Animagus spell to be exact,' replied James, ignoring Sirius's sarcastic comment.
Sirius fingered the spine of the book. 'I hope it's more detailed than the ones in the library.'
James put the book back into his bag. 'It is...it's the one my dad used to pass the test.' He looked into his friend's grey eyes hesitantly. 'But Sirius, I still don't understand why we can't tell Remus. I mean, it's a great idea, and Remus is really smart. He could even help us with the spell.'
Sirius frowned as Peter nodded agreeably from beside James. 'Do you really think Remus would permit such illegal behaviour...even if it was for his sake? Besides, we're not even sure if our theory is correct.' He shook his head and got up to sit back on the seat. 'No, it's best if we do this ourselves.'
'But what if it goes wrong?' asked Peter meekly.
Sirius shrugged and looked out the window. 'We'll take it as it comes. Now, shut up. Remus is here.'
James grinned and got up. He quickly grabbed the invisibility cloak from the seat and flung it over himself before whispering mischievously, 'Play along with me, will you?'
chapter 11
Hogwarts, Fourth Year...
'Lemon drops,' said John Lupin, taking a step back as the gargoyles sprang to life. 'I still don't know why you insisted on coming here with me, Remus,' he said, as he and his son began climbing up the spiral staircase. 'You're not going to weasel anything out of me. You could have put the effort in helping your mother with Christmas dinner instead.'
Remus pouted, as he brushed off snow from his hair. 'Come on, dad. Just a hint. What could Dumbledore possibly call you over Christmas for?'
John sighed irritably. He didn't understand why his son was being so damn persistent over a matter not concerning him. 'I've told you before, Remus. I. Don't. Know. Dumbledore didn't give a lot of details, and even if he had, I wouldn't have told you. So stop it, okay?'
It was obviously the end to the conversation, so Remus didn't pursue the subject further in fear of getting his father angry. It wasn't that he would have particularly cared about the dealings between his father and Dumbledore, but he had an ominous feeling that this conversation was going to be about one particular incident concerning him and Slytherin underwear. Damn James and his pre holiday cheer!
John was just about to knock the door to Dumbledore's office, when they suddenly flung open and someone roughly brushed past them. Remus wasn't sure what had possessed him right then, but his head seemed to swivel on its own to follow the back of the figure, now retreating down the stairs. He wasn't really sure why he was staring, he wasn't even sure if it was a good thing or bad. All he knew was that when the man had walked past him, he'd felt an odd sort of connection.
He was so entranced that he hadn't even noticed his father disappearing into Dumbledore's office or the door clicking shut beside him.
The cloaked figure stopped suddenly as if sensing Remus's piercing gaze. Remus gulped as the man turned, revealing a face so pale that it contrasted horribly with his otherwise black hair and robes. Despite the hair falling over his face, you could still make out his sharp chiseled features and an ever rational part of Remus's brain told him that this man was supposed to be good looking. But he wasn't – his face seemed burnt and oddly distorted, and as the man bent down to his eye level, Remus noted with horror that the whites of his eyes were blood red instead.
The man smiled at him, and though it seemed sincere and charming, it lacked any sort of warmth. 'Remus,' he whispered, as he raised his hand and delicately traced Remus's jaw with a single bony finger. 'Remus Lupin.'
Remus stared into his dark eyes, transfixed, and confused, and scared all at once. He tried to ask the man how he knew him, but found that his voice had long died in his throat.
The man straightened and as if answering the question in Remus's mind, introduced himself. 'I am Voldemort.'
Remus's eyes widened. He knew of Voldemort, of course. Who didn't? Professor Slughorn often spoke very highly of him, the Ministry pined after him, but he was a man of his own. He was supposed to be a genius, a scientist, who experimented with magic of all sorts, irrespective of whether it was dark or otherwise. There were a few rumours and disapprovals over his methods but they were a small minority and more often than not, dismissed. Many claimed that he was destined to be an even greater wizard than Dumbledore, but Remus doubted it. No one was greater than Albus Dumbledore.
'You're a student here,' said Voldemort in a smooth and silky voice.
It was more of a statement than a question, so Remus didn't bother replying. Not that he could anyway. He was feeling oddly exposed as Voldemort looked at him intently. As if ever embarrassing part of his life was being laid down before this mysterious man and all Remus could do was watch, as he was scrutinised, analysed, and picked apart.
'Such power,' Voldemort said slowly, leaning closer and trailing his hand down Remus's neck, brushing over the registry code hidden underneath his shirt collar. He smiled as the boy shivered under his touch. 'But you're tainted, Remus...' His hand traveled lower, stopping in the middle of Remus's chest. 'By this...'
Remus felt cold grip tightly at his heart, and he abruptly stepped back, overwhelmed and clutching at his chest. His heart was beating at a furious pace, enough to make his ribs crack. His lungs felt like they were going to collapse any minute, and he struggled to take deep breaths. His mind was already fuzzing over the lack of oxygen.
Voldemort chuckled and let his hand drop. 'Don't be afraid of the power you hold within, Remus. Embrace it, manipulate it, and watch as the world bows down to you.' He caught Remus's eyes and held them. 'There's so much I could teach you, so much you could learn, but it would seem,' he said solemnly, looking towards the doors to Dumbledore's office, 'that I am not welcome here.'
There was a gust of wind, a swish of cloak and before Remus could register what Voldemort had said, he'd vanished, almost as if he'd never been there at all; as if it had just been a dream, a very bad dream...
Remus felt his knees go weak, and he slumped down on the floor, leaning his head against the wall behind him. This man...Voldemort...he'd known about Remus...known his name...his... condition...but how...and all the things he'd said... Remus found himself shaking and sweating, as he remembered Voldemort's silky voice and subtle touches. His registry code throbbed dully where it had been touched and though he was gone, Remus could still feel the ghost of Voldemort's fingers running over his skin. He swallowed heavily. It wasn't fear that he was feeling right then. No, it was more of a feeling of complete helplessness...he felt weak and insignificant...and cold, so cold...
He could hear his father's voice through the doors but it sounded far off, and he couldn't bring himself to listen or care. 'Don't you think you're overreacting, Dumbledore?'
'At the pace the ministry is going, I can't help but take precautions, John. However, I understand if you're reluctant to-'
'Don't be ridiculous, Dumbledore.' The handle turned. 'You know I'm there.' The doors swung open. 'Then welcome to the Order, John Lupin.'
Both John and Dumbledore stopped dead in their tracks as their eyes fell down to the small figure, flaccid against the wall. 'Remus?
Remus seemed to have finally noticed them and got up suddenly, eyes still a little unfocused. 'Oh, hi, dad!' He tried to sound cheerful but his voice cracked horribly in the end.
John frowned and reached out a hand to his son's forehead. It was as cold as the snow outside; yet, his hand came back wet with sweat. Remus's face was as pale as death and occasional tremors ran through his body. They weren't noticeable to the untrained eye, but John Lupin had gone through enough full moons to be able to detect even the smallest changes. 'What's wrong? You were fine when I left you.'
Remus didn't hear his father's question. He had already closed his eyes, when he'd felt large calloused fingers running through his sweat soaked hair. There was comfortable warmth spreading through ever fibre of his body and through those small gestures of concern, seeped in his father's courage, strength, and compassion.
John Lupin looked at Dumbledore quizzically, as his son leant closer into him. Remus was never the one for public displays of affection. At home, he was like a puppy, but he usually shied away from anything of the sort outside because it was apparently embarrassing to be babied by his parents at fourteen.
Dumbledore just smiled, an odd twinkle in his vibrant blue eyes. 'It's strange, isn't it, John,' he said, stroking his beard. 'How despite all our advancements, love still remains to be the most powerful magic of all.'
xxx
'I wish you'd stop staring, Sirius. It's really quite disconcerting,' said Remus quietly from the window ledge of the boy's dormitory.
Sirius didn't even bother to ask how Remus knew it was him without turning. It was always the same answer, and it always left him confused every time he heard it. Instead, he walked over to ledge and sat himself beside Remus, leaning slightly against the frame.
'You did well in practice today,' said Remus, putting his book down. He looked at Sirius and smiled. 'I was watching you guys. James is still showing off to Peter.'
'Hm,' Sirius agreed non committally, sparing a glance towards the figure of James Potter in the field. He was really more interested in the scar on Remus's neck. He'd never actually seen it before since his friend usually preferred to cover it up with clothing or hair. But Remus seemed to have put his defenses down today, choosing to leave his shirt barely draped over his shoulders, buttons open. The wind occasionally blew his brown hair away from his neck, exposing the faint red scar that ran down to his shoulder. 'You still have the werewolf scar,' said Sirius, finally giving in and tracing the mark with his fingers.
Remus reached up for his neck, his hand brushing past Sirius's. 'Yeah...yeah, I do. Wait,' he said, frowning and looking at his friend. 'How did you-'
'I have my sources,' Sirius cut in. His hand still hadn't left the scar and instead traveled higher,
moving on to the base of Remus's neck where he was sure he'd seen something else. Something that looked a lot like a bruise.
Remus closed his eyes, biting his lip. 'Sirius, please, don't,' he whispered.
Sirius ignored him, moving away Remus's soft hair from his neck to his shoulders.
'Sirius,' pleaded Remus, almost desperate, his fists now clenching tightly. He was already uncomfortable with people touching his registry code, but then memories of his encounter with Voldemort were coming back to him. The way cold had swept over him when Voldemort had touched the base of his neck, the fear, the vulnerability.
Remus...Remus Lupin...
'Shh...' There it was, the discolouration he'd seen, but it wasn't any ordinary bruise. No, it had a sort of pattern – a number and letters. Sirius traced them slowly with one finger, memorising it with ever stroke. RJL – 200488 – 18.
Don't be afraid of the power you hold, Remus. Embrace it, manipulate it...
Sirius yelped as Remus suddenly grabbed him by the wrists and forcefully pushed him over ledge, so that part of his body from waist up was outside - hanging in mid air with only Remus's firm grip keeping him from falling down. Sirius went still in fear of falling. The wind whipped his hair wildly beneath him, and he tried not to look down through the corner of his eyes. Instead, he focused on the feral glint in Remus's eyes.
Remus leaned down closer to Sirius's face, tightening his grip on his wrist and pushing him further down. 'I told you. Not. To. Touch. It,' he growled through clenched teeth.
Suddenly, Sirius burst out laughing. He didn't know why. The situation wasn't even remotely funny. Maybe it was over the irony that he'd always thought of Remus as the prissy, non violent sort. Maybe it was because he liked Remus this way - dangerous and out in the open, with Sirius's life at his mercy. It was exhilarating and exciting, and just another mysterious shade of Remus Lupin waiting to be discovered.
The glint in Remus's eyes disappeared, and he frowned at Sirius's unexpected behaviour. Sirius took Remus's momentary confusion, and hooked his right foot to Remus's thigh to pull himself upright.
He looked deep into startled amber eyes, his hand slowly, inconspicuously, going back to the base of his neck. 'What is it?'
Remus didn't move this time but that look was back, and Sirius could tell that he was fighting to restrain himself. 'It's none of you fucking business,' he said roughly.
Sirius gently rubbed the back of Remus's neck. He should have been angry. Angry at Remus for nearly killing him. Angry for denying him the truth, for hiding things from him when he knew that Sirius cared for him. He should have been angry for making Sirius care for him...but he wasn't. In fact, he found himself being more affectionate towards the werewolf. He already knew what those numbers represented, he'd known since he was six. 'Those bastards,' he whispered, reaching the other hand to Remus's hair to brush it away from his eyes.
Remus shivered under the gentle touch. His anger was dissipating, but his contempt was not. He didn't hate Sirius...he hated everyone, including himself. Voldemort's words were long forgotten, his mind choosing to echo every hurtful word he'd ever heard instead.
Werewolf, beast, halfbreed...
'Leave it be, Sirius,' he said slowly, looking away.
Sirius ignored him, resting his forehead against Remus's. The hand in his hair drifted lower to the small of Remus's back and beneath his shirt, pulling him closer. 'Those bastards,' repeated Sirius, this time with more vigour.
Neither knew who leaned in first and honestly, none of them cared because...because they were kissing each other, and Oh God...Sirius had never felt anything like that, and shit...where did Remus learn to kiss like that?
Remus sucked on Sirius's lower lip, pulling it into his mouth, nipping it and licking it, urging it to kiss back with equal fervour. He felt a tongue, hot and rough and wet, rub lightly against his own when he opened his mouth. But then, it was gone, and he desperately sought it out with his own tongue, his hands working to reach the skin underneath Sirius's shirt at the same time.
It was heat. Heat like they'd never experienced before and an overbearing pressure pushing against them, drawing their bodies closer and closer together. They were drowning in each other, suffocating, completely out of control.
Then there was the sound of footsteps echoing in the stairwell and they were getting louder, and Remus and Sirius immediately sprang back. They were panting and gasping, wanting to lean against each other but refraining because at that very moment, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew burst into the room.
'Hello, chaps!' said James cheerfully. He frowned at his friend's disheveled states. 'You guys okay?'
Sirius ran a hand through his hair. 'Yeah, Remus challenged me to a fight. I'm not sure who won though.' He tried to catch Remus's eye, but his friend was staring fixedly towards the door.
'Well, I'll be going then,' said Remus shakily, buttoning up his shirt. 'I still have a lot of work to complete.'
And Remus was out before anyone could say anything.
xxx
That night Sirius couldn't sleep. He kept replaying the kiss over and over again in his head, trying to figure out how they'd ended up from talking to nearly killing each other to snogging each other senseless.
Merlin, that kiss. It had been like nothing Sirius had ever experienced before, not with Tyra, or Melissa, or any of the other girls he'd dated. It had been beyond comprehension, beyond classification: like sex without any worldly boundaries where every nerve in your body was alive with sensation and every breath you took was short, sharp, and unnecessary because really, who cared about oxygen when you had a pair of soft lips over yours and there was warmth flowing over you, around you, inside you.
Sirius shuddered. He'd never thought about Remus this way before. Sure, he cared about him, and he'd always known that their relationship was special and different from the one he and James had shared. However, this...this was a whole other field.
Did this make him queer? Sirius's lip curled at the word. It didn't sound very respectable, no matter
how you put it. It always ended as a joke or a disgusting swear-word. No, he wasn't queer. His family would never accept that. He would never accept that. What he couldaccept though, was that he wanted to kiss Remus again. He wanted to give whatever this was between them a try. And Remus had kissed him back, hadn't he? Surely, he could explain things better or perhaps, even go along with Sirius till things did clear up for both of them.
Sirius had made up his mind. He would talk to Remus right now and sort things out, once and for all. So, he swung his legs out of bed and walked over to Remus's. He wasn't the least bit surprised when he found his friend lying on his back, staring unblinkingly at the canopy above him.
'Sirius,' he said, sitting up to make room.
Sirius sat himself at the edge of the bed, looking intently at Remus's face. Was it just him or did Remus's lips still look swollen. He took a deep breath and plunged right in. 'I want to know what happened today, Remus. I want to know what it was and if we could-'
'Forget it,' interrupted Remus.
Sirius head jerked as if he'd been slapped.
Remus closed his eyes. 'I'm sorry it happened, and I wish I could blame it on the wolf but the action was my fault entirely. I've been having a hard time lately and when you touched the registry code on my neck, things seemed to just rush back, and I lost control. I'm sorry if it caused you any inconvenience.' The words poured out all at once, shaky and unsure, as if they were being forced and would rather be something else.
Sirius blinked, trying to dismiss the sinking feeling in his stomach as hunger. He wasn't disappointed of course. That would be ridiculous. He was just a little surprised at Remus's sudden answer. 'No, it's-'
'Forget it, Sirius,' said Remus more firmly; but this time, his voice cracked. 'The more you brood on it, the more uncomfortable our friendship will become. Just...let's go back to the way we were, okay?'
Sirius nodded dumbly. It would seem he had no say in this. Moreover, Remus was right of course, he always was. It was nothing; just a way of letting out all their pent up frustration and anger, and both his and Remus's methods had always been a tad unconventional. So really, kissing shouldn't have come as a surprise. It was impulse, carnal instinct, or whatever you might call it. It wasn't like it was love or anything, right?
chapter 12
Lupin Cottage...
Sirius's slim body was pressed back against his, water pounding down against them. The tiles were cold under his hands, and Remus breathed deeply as he felt hot breath against the wet skin of his neck. His hand fisted tightly, nails digging painfully into his palm as their thrusts got deeper, and Sirius's moans got bolder, louder, echoing off the tiles in the bathroom, sending shivers down Remus's spine.
Hot breath in his ears. 'Remus...'
Remus jerked awake, his legs trapped in a tangle of sheets and his heart beating at a furious pace. He was drenched in a heavy film of sweat and as the sunlight hit his face through the crack of the curtains, he realised he was also achingly hard beneath his pajama bottoms.
Remus closed his eyes and ran a shaking hand over his face. These dreams seemed to be getting clearer and bolder with every passing day, and he couldn't seem to do anything to stop them. Ever since their kiss back in Hogwarts, Remus woke up almost every single morning almost shaking at the intensity of each dream. Part of him didn't want them to stop but this wasn't about his wants. This was about being loyal to Sirius and to himself.
He got up painfully and walked towards the bathroom, ignoring his need to brush his teeth first and directly stepping into the shower. If he thought this was going to be any sort of consolation, he was sadly mistaken. The dream came back stronger than ever, and he could almost see Sirius's naked, writhing body in front of him.
Remus closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cold tiles. 'Oh God. No. No. No.'
'Remus...'
Remus turned the tap to freezing cold. What was wrong with him? Only a few months ago, Sirius was like a brother to him and all of a sudden, they were kissing, leaving Remus with a mad urge to do it again.
Black hair sticking to the sharp contours of his face...
'Someone, please kill me,' whispered Remus to no one.
A hot wet tounge running over the base of his neck...
He shivered and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. He walked to the sink.
The cabinet was open as usual, and he picked up his brush and toothpaste before making the mistake of closing the cabinet door. His reflection was staring back at him with more disdain than usual, jeering and mocking.
'You're not queer,' he told his mirror image firmly before swinging open the cabinet again. 'Sirius is a friend...and you? You are a werewolf.' He took a deep breath, willing himself to stay calm. He really didn't know whom he was trying to convince. 'And there are complications,' continued Remus softly. 'Even if you were attracted to him, which you are not...you can't have him. Not now, not ever.'
He nodded and started brushing, thinking things were going to look up now that he'd set his thoughts straight. He'd even come to the point where he'd managed to get his teeth clean and switched on the tap to rinse off all the paste, when a stream of hot water shot out into his hands.
'Argh!' His grip immediately loosened and his toothbrush fell - right into the toilet. 'Oh, fuck!'
This was obviously not going to be Remus's day.
He couldn't be bothered to retrieve his toothbrush and decided to just get dressed. His stomach growled relentlessly as he trudged down the stairs with his head still halfway through his shirt. All he needed was a large bowl of cereal, and Sirius or not, things would definitely get better. He'd almost made it to the kitchen door when the doorbell rang.
'Remus, baby, can you get that?' His mother's voice rang out from the kitchen. Remus leaned his head against the door and groaned, or maybe that was his stomach. The bell rang again. 'Remus!'
'I'm coming, I'm coming,' he muttered to no one in particular, as he dragged his feet to the door. 'Bloody- who the hell visits at this time of the day, anyway?' He swung open the door to see the least expected person in the world at his doorstep: Alastor Moody, who was failing miserably to hold up a very disgruntled John Lupin while trying to keep his errant grizzly hair out of his face.
'Don't just stand there, boy,' he growled out, shifting his weight to the other leg. 'Help me. Your father's no daisy.'
Remus shut his gaping mouth and immediately reached out for his father's free arm, letting it rest on his shoulder for support. He thanked his werewolf strength, as he felt his father's weight upon him. Moody was right. John Lupin must have weighed a good few stones.
'What happened?' asked Remus, trying to pace himself with Moody so that they didn't trip.
'Nothing happened,' snarled John. 'I keep telling Moody I'm fine, but-'
'Got a nasty shot in the leg during the patrol,' interrupted Moody. 'I would have healed it myself, but he'd have probably ended up with a transfigured duck for a leg if you catch my drift.' He grunted as he adjusted his shoulders. 'Can't walk two steps to save his life, and I couldn't trust him with his wand in this state. So I brought him home.'
'I'm fine,' said John through gritted teeth. 'Let me go, Remus.'
Remus ignored him and helped him into a nearby couch, lifting his feet up. 'Mum, can you get the first aid, please!'
John sat up on the couch, wincing at the pain in his leg. 'Don't be ridiculous, Remus, just heal it with your wand.'
Remus pushed him back down. 'I'm not allowed to use magic outside school, dad. Mum!'
Delilah Lupin burst through the kitchen door, peeved. 'What is it, Rem-Oh!' Her eyes fell on Moody. 'Hello, Alastor, what brings you here?'
Moody chuckled. 'I brought your husband back,' he said pointing towards the slumped figure on the couch.
John Lupin rolled his eyes. 'Can someone just bring the first aid kit before I decide to chop my leg off!'
'There's no need to shout, John,' huffed Del. She pushed open the kitchen door, pausing to look at Moody. 'Tea, Alastor?'
'If it's not too much trouble.'
'Pain!' growled John, looking pointedly at his wife till she'd disappeared behind the doors. Moody grinned, his face distorting horribly. 'You're losing your touch in your old age, Lupin.'
John sat up again, shooing off Remus's hands which had started to roll up his trouser leg. 'I was outnumbered, and you know it. Five against one and that one shot me while my back was turned. Filthy, little-'
'Watch your language around Remus, John,' said Del, entering the room with a tray filled with tea, biscuits, and a first aid kit. She didn't notice the three different eye rolls or the hungry glances her son was sending towards the food. She passed over the tea to Moody while she sat herself on the couch. 'That's a nasty cut, John. How did you get it?'
'Death eaters,' muttered Moody, as he sniffed his tea and took a sip. 'Wreaking havoc in muggle pubs...think they can get away with it easily.'
'They would have too,' said John, wincing as Del cleansed the wound with antiseptic. 'If it wasn't for Dumbledore. He'd predicted from the start that something like this would happen, but the Ministry can never bother to listen. Did you see them today? They were trying to cover up the whole ordeal like it never happened. People have a right to know what's going on. They should at least get a chance to defend themselves.'
Moody grunted. 'Knowing them, they're not going to take any chances until those Death Eaters have us hanging by our ankles. It's just muggles now, but soon, it'll be the muggleborns, and then the halfbloods...'
Remus looked away from the biscuits, shifting his gaze to his father instead. He knew John Lupin was worrying over the same thing he was. Would the Death Eaters come here? Would they attack the Lupin cottage? Remus didn't want to think what would happen if they decided to attack his mother. 'Who are these people, dad?' he asked instead.
John scowled disdainfully. 'Call themselves Death Eaters, supposedly here to purify the Wizarding world. Voldemort's minions; always knew that man was no good, genius or not.'
Remus felt a sudden chill down his spine upon hearing Voldemort's name.
Remus, Remus Lupin...
'These people...they're purebloods then?' he asked shakily.
Moody chewed on a biscuit. 'What else can they be? Either that or they're in denial. For all their talk about pureblood supremacy, they run around wearing hoods and masks. Don't even have enough pride to show their face when they fight.'
Don't be afraid of the power you hold within, Remus. Embrace it, manipulate it, and watch as the world bows down to you...
The conversation continued but to Remus, their words were distant, a faded sort of sound and all he could hear was the frantic beating of his heart. Remus had realised right then what Voldemort wanted and it had nothing to do with the purity of the Wizarding world. These Death Eaters: they were just a tool; a means of getting to his goal. All Voldemort wanted was fear, complete control, and infinite power. And the worst thing was that, he was very much capable of achieving it.
'I'd better be going,' said Moody, finally getting up from the couch and breaking Remus out of his thoughts. 'Thank you for the tea, Delilah.' He chuckled as Remus's stomach gave a large growl, causing the boy to go red in the face. 'And feed that boy of yours, won't you. God knows, he needs it.'
xxx
It was finally official. By the end of June, Sirius Black had come to the conclusion that he'd gone mad. Completely, off his rockers, prune-y old man, insane. He didn't even know when this madness had started but in Grimmauld place, alone and agitated, it seemed to be getting worse and worse. It rendered him utterly and completely useless.
Like right now, his parents were debating over what seemed a very heated topic, judging by their and Regulus's expression. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to listen or even give a damn about what they were saying. This was unusual by itself, since Sirius usually kept his ears open (in hopes of hearing about Andromeda or Uncle Alphard) during these discussions, which more often than not, concluded with him becoming quite an active participant in his mother's screaming matches. He was the one who instigated them after all.
But today, he was sitting with a perfectly good lunch in front of him and all he could do was fiddle with it. He was unconsciously watching his mother's mouth move but no sound seemed to be coming out of it. The food in her mouth, however, was a completely different story. To think, Sirius still got rapped on the knuckles every time he tried to pull something like that. He shifted his gaze to his father, who seemed to be nodding a lot, but otherwise looking disinterested. Sirius figured the conversation was still about that ridiculous clique Lucius had joined. He couldn't quite remember the name; just that it involved walking around in horrendously distasteful Halloween costumes.
But these weren't the only symptoms Sirius was suffering from. No, these were mild, compared to...whatever you called it. This thing was beyond cure; beyond madness; it followed Sirius everywhere he went – in the bathroom, his room, the library. He couldn't get away from it - it was haunting him. Which was exactly why Sirius was only mildly surprised when he came face to face with Remus Lupin, a good five feet shorter than when Sirius last saw him and wearing a pillowcase with the Black family crest on it. No, not again.
'Would young Master like anything else?' asked Remus in a squeaky annoying voice that sounded oddly familiar.
Sirius stared. 'W-What?'
Remus seemed to be trying hard to not roll his eyes. 'Is Master done eating or would he like a second helping?'
Sirius blinked several times, and Remus's face instantly dissolved to be replaced by Kreature's ugly one. He recoiled slightly and looked at his plate. To his horror, he saw that he'd actually rearranged his vegetables to spell Remus's name. He quickly rubbed it away with his fork and handed the plate over to the impatient house elf.
Sirius sighed heavily. This seemed to be happening a lot lately. Everywhere he looked, he saw Remus. Only yesterday, he found himself staring into his bathroom mirror, only to find Remus right beside him, smiling serenely. But when Sirius had reached out behind him, there was nothing but air. Later, when he had tried to trip Regulus down the stairs, he had seen Remus's face attached to the back of his brother's head and stopped. Needless to say, he had been heavily disturbed.
These feelings, whatever they were, seemed to be directly connected to Remus. The best solution seemed to be denial. Forget you have a friend called Remus. You know no one called Remus Lupin. There is no sweet, mischievous boy in Hogwarts with the name Remus Lupin. Sirius sighed again. It was no use. He couldn't just stop thinking about his friend, despite his firm resolution not to. Well, at least he wasn't thinking about the kiss, and how Remus's lips had felt so soft, and his skin so warm, and...
Sirius resisted the urge to bang his head against the table.
He was so occupied in thoughts of self harm that he'd hardly noticed his mother turning to speak to him. Regulus elbowed him roughly in the ribs, and Sirius startled. He looked at his mother who was staring back at him expectantly. 'I'm sorry, mother. I didn't quite catch that.'
Mrs. Black rolled her eyes at her son's impotence. 'I suggested that you join Voldemort after you graduate.'
Had Sirius been in his right mind, he would have casually ignored her but unfortunately for him, he wasn't. His was confused and agitated, and absolutely fed up with this Voldemort and his parents' conservative thinking. So, his answer had automatically shot out before he could stop himself. 'NO!'
His mother looked at him, her face reddening slightly. 'Someone has finally taken the initiative to purify the Wizarding world, Sirius and it would only be an honour to take part in Voldemort's cause. Joining the Death Eaters is not an option, it is a duty.'
'You needn't worry, mother,' cut in Regulus smugly, looking at Sirius through the corner of his eyes. 'I assure you, I fully intend to join once I've finished Hogwarts. I've already talked to Severus Snape, and he shares my sentiments.'
Sirius stood up, the palm of his hands slamming down on the table. 'You'll do nothing of the sort, Regulus.'
Regulus stood up. 'I'll-'
But he was interrupted by Orion Black, who had quietly gotten up from his seat and strode towards his eldest son. He put a hand on his son's shoulder. 'Sirius, library, now.' His stern tone held no arguments.
Sirius shot a nasty look towards his mother, who glared at him with barely controlled rage. If it hadn't been for his father interfering, he was sure she'd be screeching like the hag she was by now.
Sirius followed his father into the library and casually seated himself on one of the chairs, watching as his father paced restlessly on the expensive Persian carpet.
'I don't understand what you are trying to prove, Sirius,' said Orion Black, looking up at him. 'But it must stop, do you understand me?'
Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but his father held up a hand to silence him.
'You never used to be like this. I don't know where you learn these ludicrous theories from, and your mother and I are hoping that this is just a phase...'
Sirius stood up. 'It's not-'
'But if this constant rebellion from your side does not stop, then I will have no option but to shift you to Durmstrang instead. Either that, or you will be home tutored. I'm sure Harad will not mind it the least.' Orion Black's dark eyes had gone hard. 'The decision is yours to make,' he said, finally turning away to sit on a nearby chair.
There was a battle raging inside Sirius's head, but he finally elected to ignore it for the time being. Sirius knew he was right, and he knew that this pureblood mania was as ingrained in his parents as religion was in a priest. He didn't dare say a word against them. Hogwarts was his only sanctuary right now, and he wasn't about to throw it all away. Not when he had friends, and pranks, and Remus. He'd just have to keep his opinions to himself until he was old enough to get away from this God forsaken house. So, despite all his beliefs, he nodded.
He looked at his father who seemed satisfied with Sirius's reply. 'Good. You may leave.'