momentum

by lilralien

dog moon

5. chapters 13-15

chapter 13

Platform 9 34, Fifth Year...

Remus quickly closed the compartment door and pulled down his hood. That was close. To think he'd almost run into Peter on his way. Luckily, Peter had been too occupied with his Cauldron cakes to actually notice. Remus turned around, sighing in relief, and was met with the entire Prefect board staring at him curiously.

He blushed and looked at the Head Girl. 'I hope I'm not late.'

She shook her head. 'No. We were just about to start with the debriefing. Sit down.' She pointed towards the only vacant seat in the compartment: right beside the door and Lily Evans.

Remus gulped and sat down reluctantly, trying his best not to fidget too much. It wasn't that he didn't like Lily Evans but their friendship had fallen out after that fateful night during the Halloween ball. They didn't greet each other in the halls anymore or spend time studying together or even look each other in the eye. Remus had tried to reconcile, he really had, but Lily seemed keen on avoiding him and turned the opposite direction every time she saw him. It hurt every time she did that.

In the end, Sirius had convinced Remus that he was better off this way, since he couldn't get too close to people anyway. Remus had agreed grudgingly but that didn't stop him from missing her. It wasn't that James, Peter and Sirius weren't good company. They were, but at times, he craved a conversation that didn't involve getting someone's underwear stuck up the Whomping Willow.

The world was a crazy place, thought Remus. Here he was - too tall, too pale, too thin, and not even remotely good looking - and Lily Evans - one the prettiest girls in school - wanted to go out with him. And there was James of course, who had been pining after her since god knows when and all he received for his efforts were tight slaps across the face or a string of never ending verbal abuse. Sometimes Remus wondered if she refused to go out with James because she hated Remus and everything to do with him, including his friends. I mean, why else would she refuse to go out with James Potter, the most popular boy in school?

'Er...Remus?'

There was a tap on his shoulder, and Remus realised that he'd drifted off at some point during the meeting. In fact, he hadn't really heard a word that had been said. He turned to look at Lily, who was biting her lip nervously and looking down. 'Lily?' It was the first time they'd actually said anything to each other since third year.

'The meeting's over,' she said to her lap.

'Oh,' replied Remus inanely, noticing that quite a few of the prefects had already left. 'Guess we should be going then, eh?' He got up and walked to the open compartment door but not before pulling his hood over his head.

Lily blinked for a while, confused whether she should be looking at Remus or the floor. 'Remus, what's with the hood?' She paused for a while, frowning. 'No, don't tell me. You're hiding from Potter and Black.'

Remus smiled, glad that the tension between them was finally starting to break. 'I really don't fancy being attacked by those two, at least not on the first day of school. Hopefully, I'll get lucky and actually make it through fifth year alive.'

Lily laughed, shaking her head exasperatedly. 'I still don't understand why you hang out with them, Remus. They're physically exhausting, psychologically depressing, and intellectually demeaning.'

Remus held out a hand to help Lily out of her seat. 'They have good hearts,' he said, like that explained everything. Then again, for Remus, it did.

They walked down the corridor in silence after that, the only sounds being Remus's grunts, as he struggled with his prefect badge. The damn thing simply refused to come off! How was he supposed to go back to the compartment with this monstrosity stuck to his chest? And what was Dumbledore thinking? It wasn't that Remus wasn't proud. A small part of him was, especially when he'd seen his parents' beaming faces but really, what did the Headmaster expect him to do? Soothe James and Sirius and potty train them? Impossible.

'Remus?' asked Lily after a while. She was looking both nervous and amused at Remus's failed attempts to take off his badge.

'Hm?' he asked, not really looking up.

'I-It's-' She seemed to be struggling with words.

'You don't have to say it, Lily,' said Remus, tugging at his robes.

She took a deep breath. 'No, I have to. I'm really sorry, Remus,' she rushed, before losing her nerve. 'This whole thing, it wasn't even your fault, and I-'

Remus looked into her eyes with so much sincerity, that Lily felt, if possible, even guiltier. 'It's okay, Lily, really.' He frowned, looking down at his badge. 'I understand in some ways. You were just angry...' Remus pulled the badge again. 'And I wasn't helping...' Another tug. 'And maybe I was sort of leading you on...I don't know.'

'Oh for God's sake, Remus!' she grabbed him by the shoulders and clipped the badge off in one swift motion. 'It's a wonder you got it on by yourself.'

Remus grinned, stuffing the badge in his jeans pocket and pulling his hood down. 'I didn't. My mum helped me with it.'

Lily shook her head, smiling to herself. Remus hadn't changed one bit and Gods, she'd missed him. It was good to be talking to him again, even if it was just as friends. 'So...er...how's your rabbit?'

Remus stopped, raising an eyebrow. 'My what?'

'I heard it gives you a lot of trouble. Quite a furry little problem or that's what your friends keep saying anyway.'

Realisation dawned onto Remus. I'm going to kill James. 'Yeah, it hasn't gotten any better but it's not that much of a problem really.' She must think I'm such a sap. What kind of idiot keeps a rabbit for a pet anyway?

Lily looked at Remus admiringly. He so sensitive, she thought, before coming to a stop in front of her compartment door. She could hear her friends giggling through the steel. 'I guess I'll see you in school then.'

Remus ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to push it out of his eyes. 'Yeah. I could use a little help with potions if it's not too much to ask.'

Lily smiled. 'Of course.' She leaned over to place a chaste kiss on Remus cheek before she disappeared into the compartment.

xxx

'Well, I see his Highness finally decided to grace us with his presence,' said Sirius scathingly once Remus had entered their usual compartment.

James threw Peter's robes at Sirius's head. 'Chill, mate. Let me handle this.' He turned towards Remus, hands crossed over his chest. 'Where have you been, young man? Do you know how worried we were?' He wiped an imaginary tear from his eyes and looked pointedly towards Sirius. 'Your father nearly had a heart attack.'

Sirius was still glaring angrily at Remus but joined the act anyways. 'I hope you have a good explanation for your behaviour or it's bed without dinner for you.'

Remus shrugged off his robes. 'Er...I was late and couldn't find the compartment?'

'We always sit in this one,' piped up Peter before any of his friends could answer. James and Sirius nodded in agreement.

Remus ran a hand through his hair and flopped down beside Sirius. 'Okay, how about, I stopped at the food trolley to buy you chaps some chocolate, but had trouble choosing?'

James tapped his chin. 'Hm...better but needs work.'

Remus frowned, trying to think of a better alibi. 'Er...I bought all of you muggle chocolates in hopes of buying my way out of this lie?'

Sirius grinned, clapping Remus on the shoulder. 'Now you're talking. Hand it over.'

Remus bent down and fished his trunk for the box of chocolates he'd bought before coming to the station. It had actually been a sort of present from his grandmother for becoming a prefect but he figured he'd share it anyway.

Once the box was empty, Remus relaxed, automatically resting his head on Sirius's lap, content with just listening to his friends talk about their summers. He could feel Sirius's warm hand resting on his chest, and he sighed audibly. After some time, when Remus opened his eyes, he noticed that Sirius was staring at him fixedly, not really taking part in the ongoing conversation anymore.

Remus curiously cocked his head to the side. 'Hello.'

Sirius's eyes softened, and he mimicked Remus's movement. 'Hey.' His hair tumbled over his eyes, and he frowned as Remus laughed.

'You've grown,' said Remus off handedly, reaching out a hand to push away Sirius's soft, black hair. It was true; Sirius was hardly an a few inches shorter than Remus now, and he seemed to have filled out more. He'd cut his hair again and unlike Remus's, it actually managed to stay neat but had gained a similar property of constantly falling over his eyes. It was cute, thought Remus, though Sirius wouldn't be very pleased with the statement. Cute just wasn't aristocratic or sexy enough.

Sirius caught Remus's hand just as it was about to move away and kissed the heel of his palm softly. 'How were the full moons?' he asked, his lips brushing over Remus's wrist with every word he spoke.

'Mm...could have been better.' Remus twined his fingers with Sirius's. It seemed his brain had taken a holiday from the moment he'd sat beside Sirius, and he found himself reciprocating and enjoying Sirius's subtle touches. They were inconspicuous to anyone beside themselves and the touches were barely there but with every bit of contact, Remus felt a stream of heat coursing down his spine. 'I missed you guys,' he added, letting his eyes drift to a close.

Sirius chuckled as the fingers that had been toying with the hem of his shirt tickled the skin underneath. 'Yeah? I missed you.'

'When you two are done snogging each other's brains out, I think I found out why our little friend here, was late.'

Remus jerked at the sound of James's voice. Suddenly realising the position he was in, he shot out of his friend's lap and moved to the sit at the farthest end of the seat, a good distance away from Sirius. What the hell were you doing? Stupid, stupid, stupid. But he couldn't suppress the shudder that overtook his body, as he felt the ghost of Sirius's lips on his skin.

Sirius, on the other hand, seemed more peeved than shocked. 'What is it, Potter?' He growled out, running a frustrated hand through his hair. He looked at the empty space on his lap and growled even louder. Damn you, James. He didn't even know what he was so pissed about. Just that he had every intention of pulverising his black haired friend.

James got up, smirking. 'What is it, Sirius? Angry 'cause I interrupted your little love fest?' Remus broke into a fit of coughs.

Sirius looked like he was about to bite his best friend's head off. He was even more annoyed when he saw Peter sniggering at James's comment. 'Get to the point.'

James laughed and patted Remus on the back till his coughs subsided. 'Well, our little Remus is hiding something from us. Or at least trying to...' His grin got even wider at Remus's startled look. 'But you should know by now, Remy baby,' said James, waggling a parental finger. 'That you can't hide anything from ol' James.' He slid his hand into Remus's jeans pocket.

Sirius immediately sprang up from his seat. 'Hands off, Potter!' he snarled, grabbing James by the shoulders and shoving him into the ground. 'What the hell are you trying to do? Molest him?'

James smiled up from the ground smugly, already clutching something in the ball of his fist. He looked at Remus, eyes sparkling with mischief.

Remus got up frantically. 'James, no!'

James grinned and ignoring Remus's plea, uncurled his fingers, revealing a shiny silver prefect's badge. Sirius stopped mid pounce, Peter mouth clamped shut, and Remus fell heavily to the ground, muttering 'shit, shit, shit' into his hands.

'Being a bit melodramatic, aren't we?' asked James, pushing himself up with his hands and straightening his shirt. He surveyed the prefect's badge. 'Looks like our little baby's finally grown to be a responsible adult, Sirius.'

Sirius snatched the badge from his friend's hand and inspected it warily. A prefect? Remus? There was a small pause, then: 'Think of the possibilities,' whispered Sirius slowly looking up. His anger was long forgotten and there was a conspiratory glint in his eyes as his lips quirked upwards in a sneaky grin.

James chuckled and slung an arm around his friend's shoulders. 'The pranks we could get away with.'

Sirius met James's eyes. 'The detentions we could avoid.'

James squealed like a girl, pulling Remus up and pinching his cheeks in excitement. 'Oh Remy, we're so proud of you! Give Jamie-boy a tight hug, eh?'

Remus didn't really have to give 'Jamie-boy' a hug; James invited himself into it and squished him tight enough to crack his ribs. Remus didn't mind, honestly speaking (apart from the crappy nickname). He was a bit relieved in fact. His friends' reactions were much better than he'd expected. Oh, who was he kidding; their reactions were great. A little unlawful but who cared, right?

'I didn't say you could go back to groping him,' snarled Sirius, trying to pry off James's arms. He didn't understand why James insisted ontouching Remus so bloody much.

James looked teasingly at his friend and then winked at Remus. 'Aw...jealous, are we? But Sirius, I love him sooo much,' cooed James flirtatiously, hugging Remus even tighter and giving a quick peck on each of his cheeks.

'You're dead, Potter!'

Remus laughed, as they broke into a play fight, kicking and screaming while each of them tried to get the upper hand. He'd have given up anything, anything in the world, to have this one moment frozen forever. This was life - his life - and it was very near perfect. Now if only he could sort out these feelings he had for Sirius...

chapter 14

Hogwarts, Fifth Year...

Sirius slid the heavy bag off his shoulders and collapsed on to his bed, clutching his chest tightly. He was dying, he was sure of it. Nothing else could explain this excruciating pain he was feeling right in the centre of his chest. He was practically gasping for air and every short breath he took was like a hot iron rod piercing through his chest. His heart was pumping wildly, beating a painful tattoo against his chest. The rest of his body felt non- existent, every nerve cell being concentrated in one place alone.

What was happening to him? He'd even gone to the Infirmary to get himself checked, but Madame Pomfrey had dismissed him, saying that he was as healthy as a peach. Yet, he felt weak... and God...why wasn't it stopping? Sirius tried to clear his head and think back to when this pain had started:

'Morning, Remus,' said James, stifling a yawn.

Remus seemed deeply immersed in his homework. 'Hey, James,' he replied, without looking up. 'Homework?' asked James, peering over the table.

'Yeah. I didn't feel like completing it last night.'

James shrugged and sat beside Peter. 'Mind if I copy it when you're done?'

Sirius wasn't much of a morning person, so he didn't bother greeting anyone as he walked to the opposite side from James. If that wasn't bad enough, he'd just noticed Remus writing furiously on his second roll of parchment and remembered that he was yet to complete that very assignment, and it was due today. Ah well, he'd just copy it along with James.

Sirius had hardly gotten to his seat when he saw Remus's shoulders tense. He ignored it but as soon as he sat down, Remus shot up from his chair.

'Here,' said Remus, shoving his homework towards James. 'Just don't spill anything on it.'

And with that, he'd walked off without sparing a single glance at Sirius.

That was a month ago but had definitely been the first time Sirius felt it. At that time, however, it had just been a sharp twang. Nothing serious and it had hardly lasted a few seconds. As the days passed by, the pain seemed to get worse and so did Remus's behaviour towards him.

Sirius found no logic in the conclusion he'd reached. It was irrational and absolutely ridiculous, but the facts were against him. This ache - it seemed to be connected to Remus and every time the amber eyed boy ignored him, the pain got louder and more pronounced. Moreover, it seemed to be happening a lot lately, and he didn't understand why. Had he done something wrong?

Remus avoided him like plague everywhere he went. If Sirius turned right, then Remus would turn left. If Sirius touched him, he'd flinch away like he'd been burnt. If Sirius asked him a question, his replies would be short and sharp. If Remus could help it, he would avoid talking to him entirely but didn't hesitate to freely converse with James or Peter.

Then, there was that Evans girl. She was talking to Remus again, and they were spending more time together than ever. Sirius hated it. Hated her. He didn't understand how Remus could be friends with her again, especially after what she'd said to him. That's what had brought Sirius storming to the dorm right now. The sight of the two of them was sickening, and he was jealous because Remus was telling her things he never bothered to tell Sirius anymore.

Sirius shrugged off his robes and lay back on his bed. The pain was still there but in time, it would soothe out to a dull throb just like it always did. Till then, he would just have to clench his teeth and bear it.

Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair. There had to be some sort of cure for this nonsense. He didn't like feeling this weak or dependant on Remus. Remus, who was taking pleasure in disregarding him completely, while Sirius writhed in agony. Well, fuck Remus. Who needed him anyway?

'Sirius?' James Potter's head peeked out of the door. He grinned when he saw Sirius and walked over to his bed. 'Good, you're here. I was thinking that - you alright, mate?' James asked, frowning at the sight of his best friend lying on the sheets, clutching at his shirt.

'I'm fine,' replied Sirius through gritted teeth. 'What do you want James?'

James rested a concerned hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'You sure?'

Sirius sat up, swatting James's hand away. 'Yeah, yeah, no need to mother me. You're here for something. Spit it out.' He figured he should smile to reassure James, but he really couldn't bring himself to do so.

James shrugged. 'Full moon's tomorrow. Just wanted to remind you.'

Sirius felt the sharp pang in his chest again. 'I haven't forgotten,' he said, loosening his tie to distract himself. 'The question is, are you still up for it?'

James bit his lip. 'Do you think it's going to work? I mean, no one's ever done this before and even so, this idea...it's just a theory, you know.'

'Are you scared?' Sirius's tone was challenging, as his bright grey eyes bore into James's hazel ones.

'Would you hate me if I said, yes?' asked James, ruffling the back of his hair. When Sirius didn't reply, he looked nervously around the room, obviously regretting having said anything. It was a known fact that Sirius hated cowards, which was probably why he often scorned Peter, unlike James or Remus.

'No,' said Sirius after a long time, surprising James. 'I don't, but that doesn't give you the excuse to back out,' he concluded fiercely.

James broke into a relieved smile. 'I wasn't intending to. It'll be fun though, and Pete's been working really hard. It could be like a late birthday present for Remus, you know. And if things go well, Sirius, can you imagine his face?'

Somehow, Sirius could imagine Remus's face and it was very similar to the one he'd been wearing around Sirius for an entire month. He lay back down again, unable to tolerate the pressure in his chest anymore. 'Just hope your invisibility cloak can cover Peter's fat arse.'

xxx

It was Thursday evening, and Sirius had been sitting on his bed copying James's homework when Remus had entered the dormitory. The brunette had glanced at Sirius once and then quickly looked away, hurrying over to his bed and changing his clothes in record time.

By then, Sirius had gotten up from his own bed and walked quietly towards Remus. He knew the amber-eyed boy had sensed his presence but since he didn't bother acknowledging it, Sirius decided to take matters into his own hands. He'd wanted to have this conversation for a long time now.

'Remus,' said Sirius, his voice was low and harsh.

Remus didn't answer. He just pulled on a nearby t-shit and turned the other way in a desperate attempt to get out of the dormitory. He didn't even notice that he was wearing James's shirt and that it was a size too small for him. Sirius grabbed him by the wrist even before he could move an inch.

'Why are you ignoring me?' asked Sirius, pulling Remus roughly towards him.

Remus caught himself from stumbling right into his friend's chest. 'I don't know what you're talking about,' he replied, his eyes darting back and forth, searching for an escape.

Sirius pulled him back as he tried to move away again. 'Don't play dumb with me, Remus. You never talk to me anymore, never look at me anymore...you're always trying to pretend that I don't exist. What's wrong with you?'

Remus struggled against Sirius's hold. 'I-'

Sirius reached out for the other hand but this time, his touch was gentle, almost hesitant. 'Is it something I did?' he asked with complete sincerity.

Remus stilled and bowed his head low. Sirius could see the beginnings of a tremor run down the back of Remus's neck, as his fists curled tight enough to bruise. It looked like he was trying to restrain himself from hitting Sirius but that couldn't have possibly been the case. If so, then Remus could have easily dislodged Sirius's grip from his wrist before, but he didn't because he knew he'd hurt Sirius in the process.

'Remus?' asked Sirius uncertainly, stepping closer. He could feel an unbearable heat radiating from his friend's body. Concern washed over his frustration. Was Remus all right?

'Let me go, Sirius.' Remus choked on his words.

Sirius's grip tightened painfully. 'No.'

Remus' looked at him pleadingly. 'Sirius, please, you're hurting me.'

Sirius let go of the now bruised hands but roughly grabbed Remus's chin, so that amber eyes had no choice but to look up at him. 'And you're hurting me.'

Sirius watched angrily as his friend's fists opened, then closed, again and again, his fingers shaking violently every time. Remus's eyes had taken an odd shine to them, and he quickly pushed away Sirius's hand, moving a few steps back towards the bed. He kept shaking his head as if berating himself over something, but Sirius couldn't fathom what.

Sirius watched his friend in confusion. Remus's current state was freaking him out more than anything. What was wrong with him? Was he sick? Had he been hexed? Had Sirius said or done something wrong?

Sirius stepped closer, reaching out for both of Remus's hands and twining their fingers together. 'Remus, stop it,' he whispered slowly. He ignored Remus's frantic steps backwards and walked even closer until Remus was pushed against the hard wooden frames. There was just enough distance between them to let air through.

'I-' Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was still making halfhearted attempts to wrench Sirius's hands away. 'No, no, no,' he whispered more to himself than anyone else.

'Stop it, Remus,' said Sirius more firmly this time, his hands sliding upwards to grip Remus's shoulders. 'Just stop it.'

Remus bit his lip, gripping the wood behind him to keep himself steady. 'The moon, Sirius,' he rasped out. 'I need to go. Please...'

Sirius stared at Remus, entranced by the display of fluctuating emotions dancing across deep amber eyes. He didn't have to look outside to know that the sun was setting. Part of the Remus's face was hidden in the shadows of the red curtains beside him, while the rest lay exposed to the sun's rays seeping through the window. Sirius could see the rainbow of colours washing over Remus's pale skin, teasing it, caressing it, bathing him in an ethereal glow.

Having caught his breath, Sirius grudgingly let go of Remus's shoulders. 'Fine...I'll leave you...for now.' Instinctively, he wound an arm around Remus's thin waist, short shirt automatically riding up at the sheer force of Sirius pulling him again his chest. 'But I'm warning you, Remus,' he said, moving his face so close to Remus's that Sirius's breath fanned his long brown hair. 'I don't like being avoided.'

Sirius looked fiercely into Remus's eyes. He could feel the boy shaking against him, as he let the palm of his hand brush across the bare skin of his back. Remus's eyes fluttered close as the same hand traveled upwards to his clothed chest. Sirius let his hand rest upon his friend's heartbeat for a while, before pushing him away and breaking the connection between them.

He walked to his bed, grabbed his homework and quill, and strode out of the dormitory without a second glance at his friend. Had he looked, then he would have noticed Remus crumpling to the ground, very near a breakdown.

xxx

Remus didn't want to move. Every bone in his body felt like it had been pulled mercilessly apart; as though every muscle he had, had been stretched beyond its limit. He already knew of the bruises and scratches and bites that littered his body, but moving would only mean punishing himself even further. He mind was groggy and he felt a dull pounding pain behind his eyelids that just refused to

go away.

He groaned as he felt the sun's rays mercilessly invading his sleep. It took all the effort he had to finally open his eyes and look around. The Shack looked like a right mess, and Remus knew that if the wolf kept this up, it was only a matter of time before the ceiling came crashing down on him.

Still, last night's transformation had gone better than he'd predicted. To be quite honest, Remus expected the wolf to tear himself apart more than usual, especially after that conversation with Sirius...

Remus sighed. God, Sirius. There was no avoiding his feelings anymore. Things had just gone downhill after that kiss. And, after months of contemplating and analysing, Remus had finally come to the conclusion last month, that he was indeed attracted to his best friend. Whether that made him gay or not, Remus didn't know or particularly care. What had scared him the most had been the fact that he knew Sirius reciprocated his feelings. Now, for any normal human being, that would have been a good thing, but Remus was neither normal, nor human. Being a werewolf came with great responsibility, and he had no intention whatsoever of dragging Sirius into this hell hole with him. Sirius had enough problems of his own with his family.

But, it was hard to deny that this month had been particularly hard on Remus. He had tried so hard to avoid Sirius as much as possible, sometimes going on the verge of being outright rude. And it hurt, shit it hurt. It was pure torture to have Sirius right there but not even be able to touch him. He knew he was hurting Sirius as well, but he'd get over it eventually, they both would.

Last night had almost sent him over the edge; with Sirius fingers digging into his skin and his hot breath playing across his face. Remus had been reduced to a quivering mess back then, shaking with the sheer effort of restraining himself from jumping Sirius. But he'd done it; he hadn't even touched the boy, despite his heart's pleas. And though this was supposed to make Remus feel proud of himself, it did not. Instead, Remus felt like he was falling into a deep chasm – helpless and lost, with no hope of ever reaching the bottom.

Suddenly there was a creak of the stairs, and Remus quickly pulled the sheets from the bed over himself. He hadn't even gotten himself dressed yet. What was Madam Pomfrey doing here so early?

Then, Remus felt that prickling feeling in the centre of his chest – the same he felt every time Sirius was close by. But that was impossible. Sirius had no business here, except for Remus that is...

'Sirius?' Remus's voice echoed in the room, and he shivered involuntarily. He pushed himself up on his arms, ignoring the pain in his muscles.

He was about to stand up when the door was pushed open to reveal a big black ball of fuzz? Remus squinted. Was blindness a post transformation syndrome? No, it was a big ball of buzz, with legs and eyes and even a snout. Remus let out a sigh of relief and leaned against the bedpost as he realised what it was: a dog, just a big black and incredibly hairy dog.

Remus couldn't stop the smile spreading across his face. 'Hello, lad,' he said, trying to beckon the dog over and wincing at the pain in his joints. 'Come on. Good boy, come on...'

The dog huffed...indignantly? Or maybe Remus was just imagining things. It stood there for a while, staring at Remus with large proud eyes. Remus had never seen an animal with eyes that grey or beautiful and while most dogs usually hesitated to come near humans the first time, this one seemed almost radiating with cocky confidence. Finally, it...er...sighed and walked over to Remus.

'You must be a very smart dog to be able to get in here,' said Remus, scratching the dog behind his ears. He smiled when it grinned at him, tounge lolling out. 'I hardly heard you coming...little pad feet you got there, eh?' As if in reply, the dog placed both his front paws against Remus's chest and growled proudly. 'You're not going to bite me, are you? I heard they give you shots up your bum if you get bitten by a dog.' The dog whined in reassurance and licked one of the smaller wounds on Remus's neck. Remus combed his fingers through thick black fur. 'I wonder if the school will let me keep you. McGonagall's got a soft spot for me, you know, but don't tell that to any of my friends.'

Remus frowned as the dog growled, stepping out of his hold. It looked back towards the door it had come through as if waiting for something. He was about to pull it back towards him, when suddenly, it started howling loudly.

'Quiet! Are you-' Remus stopped mid sentence as a larger animal walked through the door, head bowed down to fit inside. It was a stag - a very large one at that, with antlers that could bludgeon you to death with the smallest touch. The dog nudged Remus in the ribs, looking pointedly towards the stag which was now coming closer to him.

Remus looked at it incredulously. 'Don't tell me you two are friends?' He ran a wearied hand across his face. 'A dog and a stag. Mum was right...these transformations are really taking a toll on my mental stability.'

The stag looked at the dog curiously, cocking its head to one side questioningly. It inched closer and nibbled lightly on Remus's hand to get his attention. Remus smiled and ran a hesitant hand over the animal's snout. 'A carnivorous stag. Now I've seen everything.' He moved his hand upwards, carefully avoiding the sharp antlers. 'I guess-' He stopped, feeling something crawl up his arms and – 'Aaahhhh!' Remus let out a very unmanly scream, waving his arm around like a lunatic in a weak attempt to get off the grey piece of fur clinging on to his hand. 'Rat, rat, rat!'

He was about to bang it against the floor when the dog stopped him and gently removed the rat by its tail. When Remus heaved a sigh of relief, the stag and the dog looked at each other in amusement. The dog still had the rat in between its teeth, and Remus watched with awe as it glared at the stag playfully and threatened to eat the rodent. The stag nudged him in the mouth as if reprimanding him, and the dog put the squealing animal down.

Remus closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. 'Oh Lord, help me. I'm turning into one of mum's crazy patients.'

'Or maybe, you were just always this crazy,' said a familiar voice from above him. James? 'Didn't think you were scared of rats, Remus. I'm a little offended to tell you the truth.' Peter?

'I never knew Remus's voice could even go that high. I thought he'd surpassed puberty a year ago.' Sirius?

Remus stared at his three best friends, standing exactly where those animals had been standing before. He hadn't even realised that his mouth was hanging open until James helpfully shut it.

'So what do you think, Moony,' asked James mussing Remus's hair. 'Pretty impressive, eh?'

Remus seemed to finally find his voice. 'Moony?'

James flopped down beside Remus and slung an arm around his shoulders. 'Yep, it's your new name from now on. What do you think? Sirius suggested it. We haven't got a name for him

though.'

Moony. Remus sort of liked it.

'Remus already gave me a name,' said Sirius, sitting down on the other side of Remus. He shifted even closer when Remus tried to move away, so that their sides were now practically fused into each other.

Remus felt the heat rush to his ears. 'I did?' 'Yeah: Padfoot,' said Sirius smugly.

James snorted and Peter giggled. 'Padfoot!' exclaimed James before bursting out laughing. 'Oh, that's rich.'

'It's better than Prongs or Wormtail,' huffed Sirius.

'Hey!' exclaimed James, cuffing the back of Sirius's head. 'I wanted to be called Your Highness, but you're the one who insisted on Prongs.'

Remus blinked in disbelief. 'Are you all-'

'Animagus?' asked James. 'Yes, but unregistered, mind you. So don't go blabbing it to anyone, yeah? It'll be a little hard to run around with you during full moons if we're in Azkaban.'

'Run around with me during full moons?' asked Remus slowly, making sure every word registered into his mind.

All three of his friends' faces fell, and Sirius looked at him with a pained expression. 'You don't remember?'

'We were there with you last night,' said Peter with a little less enthusiasm than before. 'All three of us, in our Animagus forms. We even let you out for a bit. You didn't hurt anyone,' he finished quickly when he saw Remus's horrified expression.

When he thought about it, Remus did remember the full moon. He remembered flashes of black fur and trees, lots of trees. 'I remember, but not much.' He looked at his friends, hundreds of emotions swirling inside his head. 'But I don't understand. Why-'

'We wanted to help you, Moony,' said Sirius, his grey eyes looking deep into Remus's amber ones. 'We did help, didn't we?' asked James uncertainly. 'I mean, you hurt less, don't you?'

Remus felt his throat constrict. 'Yeah.' He felt a sudden sting in the corner of his eyes. 'Yeah.' He couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'God, I don't know what to say...'

'Thank you would be nice,' said Peter smiling.

'I-' Remus couldn't bring the words out, so he embraced Peter instead. Peter patted his back awkwardly.

'Things will get better, Remus, I promise,' whispered James, for only the both of them to hear when Remus had moved to hug him. He smiled and ruffled Remus's hair playfully. 'We'd better get going. Madame Pomfrey's going to come in any minute.'

Remus nodded and let James go. He looked at Sirius, whose eyes were boring into him, expectant

and challenging and slightly remorseful at the same time. Remus broke his resolution then, just for that one moment, and pulled Sirius into a tight embrace. There was just something in Sirius's eyes that made him smile, despite the discomfort between them.

'Thank you...Padfoot.' He could feel Sirius's warm arms wind around his shoulders and pulled him closer. He knew Sirius was digging in deeper, inhaling his scent, burying his face into Remus's neck, and Remus let him. Just for today because it felt so damn good, and his friends were just so great, and...

'Only for you, Moony,' whispered Sirius, lips brushing against Remus's ear. 'Only for you.'

chapter 15

Hogwarts, fifth year...

Remus scrubbed furiously at a particularly stubborn stain on the basin. 'Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the both you?'

James and Sirius grinned from the sinks beside him. 'You love us, Moony, else you wouldn't have agreed to our idea in the first place,' said James, twirling his scrub brush between his fingers.

Remus sighed and moved a little further away from Sirius. He had let down his walls a little over the past couple of weeks and started behaving around Sirius as casually as possible. But the feelings stayed and it was hard, especially since Sirius was his best friend, first and foremost, and avoiding him was virtually impossible. 'Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't you have taken Wormtail instead?' asked Remus, shifting his gaze back to the white marble.

Sirius snorted derisively, his eyes wandering over the sleeping form of Slughorn sitting in the corner (he was supposed to be monitoring them). 'We wanted help, Moony, not a walking disaster.'

'I wish you weren't so nasty towards him, Sirius. He means well,' said Remus, turning the tap to wash away the soap.

'He means nothing. He does what Prongs asks him to do, period,' grunted Sirius. 'And what's wrong with that?' asked James defensively.

'Nothing, except that it shows lack of character,' said Sirius, concentrating all his efforts on cleaning the sink. He either didn't notice or didn't care when the paint began to chip.

'You know that's not true, Padfoot. Peter...' Remus frowned searching for the right words. 'He just needs to be reassured and guided by other people.'

'Take away the fancy words and it means the same.' Sirius let the tap run and turned to face Remus. 'Just drop it, okay, Moony? It's not like I hate Wormtail or anything. I just have my own opinions about him, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't force yours on me.'

Remus bit his lip but said nothing. James, sensing the tension in between his two best friends, decided to lighten the mood. 'You know, toilet cleaning is sort of fun. I mean, here we are, together, spending quality time-'

'Cleaning Slytherin shit,' interrupted Remus, frowning and starting on the mirrors.

'Dampen the mood, won't you? It's a public toilet, Moony. Everyone shits here,' said James, pouting.

'No, this toilet is close to the Slytherin common room. They shit here the most, and we're cleaning it.'

Sirius looked at Remus, horrified. 'Are you trying to say that I spent the last hour actually cleaning Snivellus's-'

'Shit? Yes, you did,' replied Remus smugly, glad he was making his persecutors suffer. Sirius turned to stare at James. 'Snivellus shits here,' he said, his voice cracking a little.

James nodded, too mortified to speak. There was a short silence between them, and Remus was practically humming with glee. Then:

'Do you think we could make the toilet blow up when he sits on it tomorrow morning?' asked Sirius, his voice filled with excitement.

James nodded, his eyes mirroring Sirius's enthusiasm. 'We could, but we'd need Moony's help.'

Remus's jaw dropped. Surely, they weren't serious. 'No,' he said backing away as the two of them advanced. He looked desperately at Slughorn who just snored in reply. 'No, no, no. I refuse to indulge in another one of your ridiculous ideas. You can't make me.'

Half an hour later, Remus was crouching over a toilet bowl beside James and Sirius and muttering a very complicated spell with a stolen wand from Slughorn's pocket.

Fifteen minutes later, Remus was sitting in McGonagall's office, wondering how thin the Head Teacher's lips would go before she finally exploded.

'I absolutely cannot believe your cheek! The two of you were clearly sent for detention as punishment, and you actually have the gall to carry on with your atrocious pranks even then! Marauding around the school like you own the place, you could give Peeves a run for his money!'

She rounded on James and Sirius, towering over them as they shrank into their chairs. They'd been in McGonagall's office countless times before but this was the first time they'd seen her this angry. Remus was shocked that she hadn't said anything to him as of yet. On the other hand, he might have spoken too soon.

'And you Mr. Lupin, that badge on your chest has been given to you for a reason! You are not to abuse it to your privilege! As a prefect, such appalling behaviour is absolutely unacceptable!'

Remus had never felt so low in his life. 'I'm sorry, Professor,' he said, his voice almost a whisper. His amber eyes shone with regret and grew, if possible, even larger.

McGonagall's expression softened. 'I admit that this is unusual behaviour on your part, Mr. Lupin, and I understand that these two are your friends, so you are inclined to help them. But that is no excuse to break the rules.' she said softly as if speaking to a small child.

Remus nodded quite pathetically.

'As for the two of you!' James and Sirius flinched at the sudden change in the tone of her voice. 'Saturday night, separate detentions! You may leave.' She watched as the three of them got up from their seats. 'Oh and Mr. Lupin, this is your final warning. I'm excusing you this time but if I catch

you again...'

'She fancies you,' growled Sirius, once they were outside the office.

'She does nothing of the sort,' huffed Remus. 'She has the right to reprimand us after what we did.'

'You fancy her back,' growled James in reply.

'We deserved what we got,' said Remus, climbing up the stairs and ignoring James and Sirius's grumbling.

'You got nothing.' Sirius stomped up the stairs behind Remus. 'The two of us probably earned another night of cleaning Snivellus's shit while you'll be sleeping in the comfort of your bed. All because you have a baby boy face, and we don't.'

'I do not have a baby boy face,' said Remus, blushing furiously. 'My face is very rugged and manly, thank you very much.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. He spent half his time staring at that face. He knew what it looked like.

'Do you think she's right though,' asked James, stopping in front of the Fat Lady's portrait. 'You know, about us giving Peeves a run for his money.'

Remus slapped his forehead.

'I bet we could,' said Sirius, his eyes flashing mischievously. He muttered the password and entered. 'That plan would have been fool proof had we known she was coming. What we need is some sort of guard to keep a lookout for us.'

'Why don't you put up an advert on the notice board, Sirius? I'm sure people will be just scrambling to sign up,' said Remus sarcastically, as he flopped down on the couch beside the fire.

James sat down on the floor beside Remus's feet. 'Sirius is right though. We could really use something that informs us about every single room in Hogwarts and its occupants. Things would be so much easier then.'

Remus frowned. 'Like a map?'

Sirius nodded. 'Like a map...but detailed...with everyone and everything on it, secret passages and all.'

James grinned with anticipation. 'It could be our new project. What do you say, Moony? Please? Its mischief, but we won't be breaking any rules...and it would be a challenge...' He looked at Remus, already knowing the answer. There were three words Remus Lupin couldn't resist when put together in a sentence: please, mischief, and challenge, not necessarily in that order.

Remus sighed. To be honest with himself, the prospect of a magical map sounded exciting. 'I couldn't refuse if I wanted to.'

Sirius and James cheered. 'We could even give it a name,' said James dreamily. 'The McGonagall's map; after our Professor who inspired the idea.'

Both Remus and Sirius frowned. 'I'm not calling our map, The McGonagall's Map,' replied Sirius, crossing his arms over his chest.

'The Lily's map?' asked James hopefully.

'NO!' chorused Sirius and Remus.

'How about, The Marauder's Map?' asked Sirius, lying down on the carpet with his arms behind his head. 'That's what she referred to us as, didn't she? Marauders?'

James grinned. 'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs – Marauders and mentors to mischief makers everywhere!'

xxx

Remus sighed and dug deeper into his pillow. It was useless. It was too darn early to be sleeping and the incessant pitter patter of the rain against the window wasn't helping either. He rolled over on his back and forcefully shut his eyes, as if willing for sleep to come.

This had to be the worst Easter break ever. Normally, all of them, save Sirius would stay at Hogwarts and exchange chocolates or maybe even sneak into Hogsmeade for a drink or two. But this year, James had Uncle Goober or someone he had to visit (actually it was Uncle Gruber, but Remus was in a particularly nasty mood), so he couldn't stay. Peter had some other lame excuse, but it was apparent he didn't want to stay because James was going back home too. Remus himself couldn't go back home because his father was putting up protection charms around the house. Sirius, as usual, had to go to some fancy family thing that he hated and bitched about when he came back. He was the only one Remus felt sorry for apart from himself. Sirius's family was unrelenting and just plain forceful.

Remus sighed again. He'd even tried talking to Lily Evans for a while, but she had her own friends to go to. Besides, spending time with her just wasn't the same.

The only upside it seemed, was that he got to sleep only in his boxers. Without the others around, he didn't have to feel so conscious about his scar or the registry tattoo. Good thing too because for such a rainy day, the boy's dormitory was unnaturally warm. Perhaps the house elves had overdone the heating charms? Or maybe it was revenge for the time James and Sirius charmed their ears pink?

Suddenly, there was a strange prickling sensation in the middle of his chest and Remus immediately sat up, eyes flinging open. 'Sirius?'

The dormitory door shut with a dull thud.

'Padfoot?' Remus called out again, reaching out for his wand on the bedside table. 'Lumos.'

There was Sirius - standing in the middle of the dormitory, trunk in one hand and broomstick in another. The wand light illuminated his face partly and from what Remus could see, Sirius was trembling violently; his skin, ghostly white and black hair sticking to the sides of his face.

Remus quickly got out of bed and caught Sirius just before fell to the ground. 'Sirius, are you alright?' He let Sirius lean on him, maneuvering both their weights easily. 'What are you doing here, Padfoot? The train doesn't arrive till the end of the break.'

Sirius buried his face into his friend's neck, and Remus could feel rivulets of water running down from Sirius's hair and onto his skin. 'I'm not going back, Moony. I-' Sirius choked.

'Sit,' said Remus firmly, forcing Sirius to sit on his bed. He smoothed out the hair out of his face. 'You're drenched to the bone, Sirius. You didn't fly all the way here, did you?' By the looks of it, it seemed he had.

'Took the Knight Bus as far as it would go, but I had to fly after that,' replied Sirius shakily, raising up his arms as Remus pulled his shirt over his head. 'Got lost in the way...'

Remus said nothing, as he helped Sirius out of the rest of his clothes and into his pyjama bottoms. He merely listened, concerned, at the sounds of Sirius's jagged breathing against his stomach while he towel dried his friend's hair. Sirius had his face buried into Remus, clutching to his back tightly every time a tremor ran through him. There was very little light in the room apart from the wand Remus had left behind on the floor when he was helping Sirius. He could barely make out the shadows of his friend's face except for his light grey eyes, which glittered oddly even in the dark. Remus kneeled down to face him, slowly reaching out to trace the faint outlines around his eyes and stopping only when his hand had passed over a bruise, making Sirius wince slightly.

'They hurt you,' Remus said, anger flaring up inside him.

Sirius caught Remus's hand tightly. 'They didn't mean to. My parents...they're not abusive. Mother...she was angry...started throwing things...and I just got in the way...'

Remus bit back a sharp comment. There was no point in reminding Sirius how horrible his family was. It would only bring more pain to his suffering. 'Let me heal it for you,' he said finally, getting up but was grabbed by the wrist. 'Sirius, what?'

'Don't go, Moony, please,' begged Sirius, eyes shining brighter than ever.

'I'm just going to get my wand, Padfoot,' said Remus softly, running his other hand through Sirius's hair in what he hoped was a soothing gesture.

Sirius hold only tightened further. 'Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. Please...'

Remus sighed and draped a warm blanket over Sirius's shoulders before sitting down beside him. 'What happened, Padfoot?' he asked, as Sirius's head dropped to his shoulder.

'I-I ran away. I don't know why. I just...' Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's shoulders. 'They didn't even try to stop me. Mother was screaming, but not even once did she try...'

He buried his face into Remus's neck, and Remus let him, knowing this was not the time to show reserve. This was much more important than his attraction to Sirius or any sort of discomfort he felt at the moment.

'Father...' continued Sirius in a broken tone. 'He just stood there, stone faced; didn't say a word except that if I were to leave the house tonight, under any circumstances, I was never to come back again.'

Remus ran his hands through Sirius's damp hair, bringing both of them down against the pillows, so that they were half sitting and half lying on the bed. He draped the blanket over both of them. 'It doesn't matter, Padfoot. It's okay,' he whispered, holding Sirius tightly to his chest.

'I've been disowned, Moony,' whispered Sirius, bitterly as if he'd never heard Remus at all. 'My existence blown off the tapestry forever.' He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths against Remus's skin. 'And I shouldn't care. I shouldn't because I've always hated them and their way of life. And I've seen so many people blasted off that damn thing, but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm their son, Remus. Surely that meant something? Anything?'

He looked pleadingly at Remus, as if searching for an answer that he knew didn't exist. When Remus didn't respond, Sirius just closed his eyes again, and Remus knew by the way his body shook that his friend was fighting back tears that were threatening to spill. Sirius had never been

the one to cry. It had been ingrained into him from childhood as a sign of weakness. Remus didn't know what he would do if Sirius did break down tonight. It wasn't something he wanted to see, ever.

'Does it mean anything to you, Remus? That I'm here...have I ever mattered...to any of you?' Sirius voice was small, downtrodden, needing reassurance.

Remus looked at Sirius and caressed his cheek with the back of his hand. 'More than you'll ever know, Padfoot.'

Sirius's gaze was intense, searching Remus's face and hoping that he was telling the truth. That it wasn't some lie he was being told to make him feel better. Remus stared right back, hoping that his friend was able to see the sincerity in his eyes. And then all of a sudden, Sirius's lips were on Remus's, pushing back firmly, urging him to kiss Sirius back.

Remus pushed him away gently. 'Don't, Sirius,' he said shakily, hand rested just above Sirius's heart.

'Please,' whispered Sirius, his warm dry lips tickling Remus's neck. 'Just for tonight-' He was on top of Remus now, squeezing his wrists and nudging his legs apart with his knee. 'Just for tonight, can we pretend that someone cares for me? Please-'

It was that last statement and the pleading, almost desperate look in Sirius's swirling grey eyes that finally undid Remus. He reached out slowly, his fingers sliding against soft skin, skipping across Sirius's collarbone and sliding up his neck. The other hand buried into thick black hair and pulled Sirius closer till he could feel the other's warm breath against his cheek. Remus's lips were tingling, aching to be touched, and he finally gave into desire, letting them gently brush against Sirius's.

Remus had intended on going slow, thinking that after the day's ordeal, Sirius would crave tender touches and soft kisses. But as soon as Remus's lips had touched his, Sirius's was suddenly burying shaking fingers into honey brown hair, tugging the body beneath him closer, and gripping Remus firmly to make sure he didn't get away. Remus didn't intend to.

A soft moan vibrated against Remus's lips, and he found himself surrendering to the hot wet heat of Sirius's mouth and the salty tang of sweat and rain staining his skin. Every bit of anger and desperation Sirius felt, he poured it into him, pushing his tounge into Remus's open mouth, teeth biting and nipping ruthlessly at his lower lip.

Slowly, reluctantly, their lips parted, swollen and bruised.

Grey eyes were looking down intently at amber through a curtain of ebony hair. 'I've wanted you so

much,' panted Sirius, thumb tracing bright red lips. 'So much...'

Remus caught Sirius's hand, turning it to face the palm inwards and pressed soft open mouthed kisses down his wrist. Heat flared through his body as Sirius moaned at the simple gesture, shifting closer till they were melded together as one. And then, Sirius's face descended down to his throat, teeth nipping harshly at his skin, making its way down to his chest while Remus cried in intense pain and pleasure underneath him.

It was heat. Unimaginable, burning heat...

'Gods, Sirius...' moaned Remus, as a rough tounge ran over one stiffened nipple.

There was nothing in the world that could render Remus so helpless. He was writhing and shaking - completely incoherent...

Sirius looked up then, drinking in the sight beneath him. Remus's face was flushed, soft honey locks pooled over the pillow. He was panting, staring up at Sirius with overwhelming devotion and lust.

'You're so beautiful,' said Sirius, nails dragging painfully against Remus's sides. 'Just so fucking gorgeous.' Teeth bit into his shoulder sharply, moving further down, clearly unsatisfied with just one nip. 'Every time I look at you...' he purred against Remus's stomach. 'I lose control.' He slid back up, his gaze piercing into Remus, devouring him, making him whimper helplessly with an aching need that was begging to be satisfied. 'Do you see what you do to me?' Sirius ground their hips together. 'Do you?'

Remus whined pitifully, partly because one of Sirius' hands had tightened just above his hip while the other slid to his jaw; partly because Sirius was kissing him harder than ever, tounges tangling, teeth clicking together. He was pushing Remus further into the bed, sliding their hips in a frantic pace, breaths coming out quick with eyes half lidded.

It was...Gods...unbearable pressure - around him, over him, consuming him. Pleasure beyond comprehension; desire beyond human boundaries.

Right then, nothing was more important that the feel of Sirius's body against his and the press of their foreheads together. Remus grunted, settling his hands on the small of Sirius's back and pulling him closer. It was never enough.

The heat was intolerable now and they clung on to each other, kissing fiercely, until finally the world exploded and a glorious sensation washed over them, leaving them shaking, each gripping the other's skin hard enough to bruise.

They collapsed together, slick and panting, the air around them humming with the aftermath of what had happened.

'Remus,' whispered Sirius, resting his head against Remus's chest and relishing at the sound of his frantic heartbeat. 'Remus,' he said again, sighing as Remus's arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace.

Remus watched as Sirius's eyes drifted close into an uneasy sleep. He was clinging on to the werewolf like a lifeline even then as if afraid of losing him. With good reason, thought Remus. I can't do this with you, Sirius. I can't hurt you anymore than you already are.His fingers tangled in black hair, partly wet with sweat and partly with rain. Remus kissed him - his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks. They were all so gorgeous...

Remus unconsciously inhaled Sirius' scent, the sharp aroma of sweat and sex and Sirius making him drowsy. This - whatever had happened between himself and Sirius tonight - it would remain as a beautiful memory in Remus's mind because he would never allow it to happen again. Why can't I be someone else? Why do I have to be the werewolf? It's not fair. It's never fair.

Remus tightened his arms around Sirius and rested his chin on the crown of his head. Why me? He didn't want to pretend that nothing happened. He wanted Sirius, needed him. Sirius was no longer an infatuation or an attraction for Remus. No, he was slowly becoming an incurable obsession.