chapter 16
Hogwarts, Fifth Year...
His mother's face looming in front of him, eyes wild and face red with fury. 'I've never been so ashamed of my own flesh and blood my entire life!'
Soft grey eyes of his brother peering through the library door. 'You're going to Durmstrang even if it's the last thing you do!'
Ringing silence from his father. 'Filthy little blood traitor! I wish you'd never been born!'
Crashing of furniture, an expensive vase flying through the air. 'I hope you die, Sirius Black!'
Sirius eyes snapped open, and he found himself sprawled on top of a bed definitely not his own. The sheets underneath him were drenched with sweat and the blankets that had been draped over him, now lay haphazardly on the ground. Sirius took a deep breath and reached up a hand to touch the bruise underneath his right eye, expecting it to hurt. The pain never came, and Sirius frowned, running his fingers over the area again. Nothing.
He rubbed the sand out of his eyes and sat up, immediately taking in his surroundings. He was at Hogwarts - in his dormitory - he must have made it back. He had never thought he would; he'd almost fainted halfway from the cold. Sirius remembered still feeling cold when he'd entered the dormitory, and then, Remus had helped him to his bed...
Remus...
Memories of last night flashed through his mind. Remus underneath him, helpless and moaning; needing more and taking it from Sirius unrelentingly. Remus against him, sweat and skin merged together as if they were never meant to be in two different bodies at all. Remus around him; surrounding him with warmth in the afterglow of what happened.
Remus...
Sirius sighed. He'd never felt this alone, yet this alive his entire life. Alone, because he'd been abandoned, thrown out by his own family; who he wasn't supposed to care about, but he did because it was hard not to. Alive because Remus had seen him through it, filled that empty void with affection and reassurance, courage and friendship, all in that one night.
The whole experience had been surreal, where for that one moment Sirius had forgotten the world had existed at all.
He shifted his gaze at the empty space beside him and shivered involuntarily from the absence of Remus's arms around him. He rested his hand on the mussed up sheets, running across the dent that his friend's body must have left. The space was still warm. Remus must have gotten up only minutes ago, which meant he was still in the showers.
Sirius smiled to himself and got up.
xxx
Remus stared at himself in the mirror, taking in every detail and committing it to his memory. He'd never truly looked this carefully at his reflection before, back when he was as perfect as he could get. Still, here he was today, debauched and covered in bluish purple bites from last night and he couldn't bring himself to move away. He watched as a drop of water fell from his long brown hair and trickled down the bruise on his shoulder, just below his scar. He remembered how Sirius had slid up to him, mercilessly licking and biting it.
He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the mirror. He didn't want them to fade: any of them. They were the only reminders, the only proof he had that none of last night had been a dream; the only part of Sirius he knew he could keep.
'Sirius,' he whispered, his breath misting the glass.
Warm arms encircled his waist from the back and a head lay over his shoulder. 'I can never sneak up on you,' said Sirius, his voice petulant and husky from sleep.
Remus opened his eyes but didn't turn back. Instead, he chose to watch Sirius through the mirror. If he had thought Sirius looked beautiful last night then he was sorely mistaken. Because even with his hair sticking up at odd angles and his eyes red from sleep, Remus couldn't help but ogle at him. Perhaps it was just the knowledge that Sirius had been on top of him the night before, whispering his name as he came hard and fast. In any case, to Remus, he looked breathtaking.
Sirius gazed at Remus in the mirror, frowning slightly. 'I hurt you,' he said softly.
Remus refrained from leaning back against Sirius, and tried to dislodge the firm grip around him instead.
Sirius's arms only tightened further. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered, running his fingers over the bruise on Remus's shoulder, smooth lips following its trail. 'I'm sorry.' Light, insistent kisses down the front of his neck. 'So sorry,' Hands moving from neck to shoulders to chest - no teeth this time, just soft pink lips.
Remus just stood there unmoving as Sirius carried on his ministrations, gaping at their reflection with awe and half riddled lust. His bruises - they were healing and slowly disappearing under Sirius's touch, turning from a deep purple, to blue, to just smooth pale skin – as if they'd never been there at all. Wandless and silent. Remus wondered if Sirius knew how advanced a magic he was performing at that very moment.
He dug his fingers into silky black hair. 'Sirius, stop...'
How could something so right be so wrong? How could their images in the mirror look so perfect and beautiful together when every cell in Remus's brain screamed that he should look away?
'Sirius...please,' he croaked out, as Sirius descended lower and lower. 'Sirius...'
Sirius stopped, his hands only inches away from the towel around Remus's waist. He moved up, eyes filled with unconcealed desire, as he brushed away Remus's damp hair out of his face.
Remus removed himself from Sirius's grip. 'I'm sorry Padfoot, but this can't go on.'
Sirius stepped closer, hand caressing his cheek. 'Hmm...last night-'
'Is over,' interrupted Remus, looking away and moving back even further.
'It's over, but it's not forgotten!' cried out Sirius, hands dropping exasperatedly to his sides.
Remus's eyes hardened with determination, as he reached for the doorknob. 'No, but I intend it to be.'
Sirius's shoulders slumped then, and his next words came out almost weak and pleading. 'Why did you let me touch you, Remus? Why did you kiss back when I kissed you? Why did you hold me after it all and let me sleep with you on your bed? If you were just going to deny it all in the morning, then why did you let me hope in the first place'
Remus bowed his head low. 'Because it was the only thing I could do to keep you from falling over the edge.'
Remus walked out then before Sirius could say anything further. He hadn't even dared to look back one last time in fear of losing his nerve at the very last minute and submitting himself to the warmth the black haired boy offered.
'Forgive me, Padfoot,' he whispered, as he slumped down against the bathroom door. His eyes closed as he heard Sirius let out a scream of rage and frustration. 'I'm so sorry.'
This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. They were supposed to remain the best of friends, that's all. He'd ruined everything, with just one stupid mistake that didn't feel like a mistake at all. And now, after all this, even their friendship was a lost cause. There was no way Remus could ever look Sirius in the eye again; not only because he was ashamed, but also because he couldn't bear to look up and see the hatred in his friend's eyes.
Suddenly, there was an earsplitting crash from inside and Remus's eyes shot open in fright. It sounded like something breaking.
'Sirius?' Silence.
Remus's heart skipped a beat. 'Sirius? Are you okay?' When he didn't get a reply, he got up quickly and knocked on the door frantically. 'Sirius, answer me, damn it!'
Nothing.
Oh God, what if he's hurt himself or worse...NO! Sirius might be impulsive, but he was no fool. 'Sirius!' Remus scrabbled for the doorknob and turned it. The door wouldn't open; either it was jammed or Sirius had decided to lock it. 'Sirius, please, if you can hear me, open the door!'
Still no reply.
This is my fault, shit, Sirius...Remus moved back a few inches from the door and rammed his shoulder into it with all his power. He could feel the hinges rattle a little under the pressure and
inwardly thanked his werewolf strength. Upon the fourth try – by which Remus was hysterical with desperation - the door finally burst open, and he scrambled inside, narrowly missing stepping on the shards of glass that littered the bathroom floor.
Remus looked around anxiously. 'Sirius!'
There was muffled whimper and Remus's head whipped towards the direction of the basin. And there was Sirius, right underneath it, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head inclined against the wall. His right hand was bleeding profusely from where he must have punched the mirror, but he was definitely breathing.
Thank God...Remus heaved a sigh of relief and kneeled in front of his friend. 'Are you okay, Padfoot?' he asked, taking Sirius's wounded hand and inspecting it.
The black haired boy said nothing, just continued to stare at him with mournful grey eyes that broke Remus's heart. Sirius Black truly was one of his most favourite people in the world - someone Remus would die for without a question - and it was painful to see those eyes - which usually shone with so much mirth – fixed so seriously on him, desperate and lonely. Sirius was breathing, deep and forceful, as if he didn't want to be doing it at all, but kept on going because he had no other choice. Was he okay? The question did not even fit in the context.
Remus rested his forehead against the cool tiles beside Sirius's head. 'Fuck, this is all my fault. I just...' Sirius had turned to face him, cheek resting against the wall, eyes searching for an answer. Remus couldn't help but reach out and caress his hair, his face, his neck. 'I just...' he tried again but lost his voice in the end.
Suddenly, Sirius flung himself at Remus, burying his face into his shoulder and holding him in a death grip. It was a desperate embrace. 'Why don't you want me, Moony?' he choked out, clutching even tighter. 'Why? I don't understand.'
Remus rested his cheek against Sirius's hair, stroking it soothingly. 'God knows I want you, Sirius, but-'
'Then have me, Remus!' he said frantically, moving away and shaking the werewolf by the shoulders. 'Take what's so willingly given to you.'
Remus moved away, hand on his head. 'It's not that simple, Sirius. I'm-'
'A werewolf? I don't care, Remus.' Sirius rested his hand on his friend's shoulder. 'I thought I made that clear back in second year.'
Remus punched the wall angrily. 'But I do, damn it! Every single day of my life since I've been bitten, I've watched my parents suffer and cry over me. Do you know why, Sirius? Because I'm a werewolf! They've put aside so many dreams that now it's easier for them not to dream at all. Why? Because I'm a werewolf! They have to swallow abuse and rejection everywhere they go. Guess why? Because I'm a werewolf! You might not care, Sirius, but the rest of the world does!'
Sirius hadn't moved throughout Remus's outburst. When he spoke, his voice was calm, if not a little shaky. 'Tell me, Moony, why do your parents put up with all of this?'
Remus shook his dejectedly. 'They have no choice.'
'Everybody has a choice, but they care enough about you to bear everything else that comes along.' He grabbed Remus's chin. 'And I feel the same way.'
Remus turned away. 'It's bad enough that you're my friend, Padfoot. I'm not ready to subject you-'
'Stop trying to control my life, Remus!' burst out Sirius, his hands clutching painfully at Remus's hair in an attempt to get the brunette to face him.
'I'm not trying to control you. I'm trying to protect you!'
Sirius tugged harder, bringing their faces closer together. 'I don't want your protection.' Closer. 'I don't want your charity. All I want,' His hand moved to cup the base of Remus's neck. 'Is you.'
Remus shook his head. 'You don't know what you want...you don't know what you're getting yourself into...I could hurt you.'
Sirius looked at him, fire burning in his eyes. 'I'm prepared to risk that, Remus. Please...' His voice had gone low with exhaustion. He needed this, needed Remus...
Remus rubbed the skin below Sirius's earlobe with his thumb. 'Sirius...'
Sirius's forehead dropped against Remus's. 'I can't do this, Moony.' His throat constricted painfully and the first sign of tears appeared at the corner of his eyes. 'I just can't not have you.' Tears were flowing freely down his face now. 'Why...why does this always happen to me...why is it that I'm always the one to be rejected, Remus? It's not fair.'
Remus's heart clenched at the sight. Sirius was crying. Sirius was crying because of him. 'Sirius, don't,' he murmured, hand reaching up to wipe away the tears on his friend's cheeks. But the gesture was useless, because the dam had finally broken and now flooded his face, tears running down Remus's fingers. 'Don't cry. Please, don't cry...'
Sirius closed his eyes, shaking his head. 'I just...I've never fancied anyone so much before, and I-' he choked.
Nothing seemed to comfort Sirius right then, so Remus did the first thing his heart told him to do: he leaned in and pressed their lips together.
Sirius made a strange strangled noise before shifting his body quickly, so that he was pushing Remus hard against the wall, their bodies forced tightly together. It was in no means a gentle kiss, a lot like the ones Sirius and he had shared the night before but while last night had been about desperation and comfort, this was just pure, unadulterated want. Sirius's hands held him firmly in place by the shoulders, elbows digging painfully into Remus's chest while Remus's tounge slid between his lips. It was cataclysmic heat, and it was also when the werewolf realised that he couldn't continue with his charade anymore. Not when Sirius was sitting in front of him, kissing him, crying for him...
Finally, they both pulled away, and Remus watched as Sirius's whole body crumpled miserably against the wall. 'I don't know what to do, Remus...' he whispered, head leaning against the wall beside his friend's left ear. 'I'm lost...'
Remus brought Sirius's head down to his shoulder, stroking his hair. 'We...we could try this,' he said softly but surely. He felt Sirius's hands run up his sides, finally settling on his shoulder blades. 'We could-'
But he never got to complete his sentence because Sirius was now kissing down his throat, hands rubbing soothingly at the small of his back and shit, this had to be right. There was no other explanation for something that felt so good.
Remus reluctantly forced Sirius to stop. 'Sirius, what if this doesn't work? What then?' Somehow, Remus found that he couldn't even bear the idea of them falling apart, not just as friends but as lovers as well. The sentiment itself was ridiculous since eventually, in two years time, they would both have to go their separate ways anyway.
'Then we'll be friends,' replied Sirius, pushing a kiss to his bottom lip. 'Just like we've always been.'
And it was rather hard not to agree. Not when Sirius Black was kissing you like that, his hands touching you in just the right places and holding on to you like there was no one else he'd rather be with because the world only consisted of you and him. Years later, Remus would see that caring for Sirius had been his downfall but even then, he couldn't bring himself to be bothered.
xxx
Sirius watched the rhythmic rise and fall of Remus's chest, wondering how the werewolf could look so beautiful even in his sleep. They'd just been laying there on the bed, Remus reading a book and occasionally indulging in idle conversation while Sirius just lay there curled up beside him, head resting on the boy's stomach. Somewhere in the middle of Sirius talking and Remus flipping pages, the werewolf had fallen asleep, leaving Sirius free to stare.
It was odd. Sirius had never been the one for patience. He could never sit in one place for more than a few minutes without fidgeting. It was a known fact that Sirius Black was easily bored and needed constant entertainment from his friends. Yet, here he was, staring at his new –lover?- for God knows how many hours, and he had no intention to stop. It was a power Remus had over him and though Sirius didn't like being controlled by any one, he found that he didn't mind this little fact at all. In fact, he quite enjoyed it.
Two days. Two days since they'd gotten together and things couldn't get any better. Remus was still a little uncomfortable, a little hesitant, Sirius could tell, and though he knew he should talk to Remus about it, he didn't. What if he said something that made Remus change his mind? What if he convinced him to give up on Sirius even before their relationship had started? No, Sirius couldn't risk losing Remus, not when he had finally gotten him. He'd just wait, give Remus some time and space until he finally got used to it.
Sirius traced his fingers lightly over the skin under Remus's shirt and smiled as a small chuckle escaped the werewolf's mouth. He sighed softly, feeling himself drift off to the sweet smell of chocolate of his friend's skin.
The door creaked open noisily, and Sirius found himself too comfortable to move. Whoever it was, he didn't care. Let them see and think what they wanted to.
'Sirius?'
Sirius recognised that voice. 'James?' He opened his eyes blearily. Sure enough, James Potter was standing there, trunk in hand.
As soon as James realised he wasn't hallucinating and it was indeed his best friend, he fast walked up to Sirius and enveloped him in a one armed hug. 'I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. Are you alright?'
Sirius moved away shakily, mindful not to wake the slumbering boy beside him. 'I'm fine. What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at your uncle's place.'
James sat down on the bed, shooting a meaningful glance at Remus. 'I was. I just got Remus's letter
today. He told me everything, Sirius, and I'm glad. That house was nothing but trouble for you.'
Sirius felt his throat constrict, and he sifted his fingers through honey brown locks to hide his grief. 'Yeah...Remus said the same thing. Thanks for coming, James.'
James smiled and clapped Sirius's back. 'Hey, what are best mates for? Mum and dad are here too, by the way. They're settling the matters of your custody in Dumbledore's office.'
Sirius looked up surprised. 'My custody?'
'Well, yeah,' replied James as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. 'You're not of age yet, which means you'll need parental guidance till then. And since you're no longer a part of the Black family, mum and dad have decided to take you in. That is, if you want to live with us...'
Sirius felt a smile tugging at his lips. 'Hell, yeah.' He looked at his best friend gratefully and for the first time, Sirius realised that family didn't necessarily involve blood ties. A family was just a group of people who were always there for you, caring for you through the worst of times. 'James, I- thanks. I don't know how to repay you or your parents...'
James smiled, ruffling Sirius's hair. 'Just don't let mum convince you into changing your name to Sirius Potter. She's been in love with you since your last visit to our place.'
chapter 17
Transfiguration classroom, Hogwarts...
'So, I had to go there and -' Minerva McGonagall's conversation with Professor Dark was suddenly interrupted by a soft knock on her office door. She turned in her seat, surprised, to see a head of rebelliously long brown hair peering through. 'Oh, it's you, Mr. Lupin. You're a bit early. Counselling doesn't start again until two.'
Remus looked at both teachers cautiously. 'I'm sorry, Professor. I'll come back later.'
Minerva frowned. 'No, no, there is no need for that, Mr. Lupin. Since you're here, we might as well get over with it. Come on in.'
Remus nodded and sat down gingerly on the seat opposite to hers. Minerva noticed that he kept wringing his hands on his lap as if unsure of himself.
She chanced a glance at Professor Dark for an explanation to Lupin's uncharacteristic behaviour, but Professor Dark himself seemed to be looking at the boy sympathetically. She shrugged and folded her arms on the table. 'Tell me, Remus. What are your plans for the future?'
Remus shifted uncomfortably. 'I haven't really given it much thought. I suppose my dad would want me to become an auror like he once was. I don't know.'
Minerva felt her fist clench instinctively. 'Are you sure, Mr. Lupin?'
Remus didn't answer and chose to stare at an ink spot on the table instead.
For the first time in her life, Minerva McGonagall lost her nerve in front of a student. The prospect of replying seemed terrifying. A sharp wave of guilt washed over her, and she found herself unable to meet the boy's eyes. What would she tell him? 'After all, auror training is extremely difficult,' she continued, hoping to seem unfazed. 'It demands a lot of your time, and the ministry will make you work -'
'Stop lying to the boy, Minerva,' growled Professor Dark suddenly.
Minerva looked at him indignantly. 'I'm not lying, thank you very much.' She was actually, but that didn't mean she would admit to it.
Professor Dark looked at her, eyes burning with repressed anger. 'He deserves to know the truth. You'll achieve nothing by mollycoddling him. He should know that the Ministry is filled with nothing but filthy bigots who wouldn't give him a second glance once they found out what he is,
irrespective of how qualified.'
Minerva glimpsed at Remus momentarily and saw him clutching the arms of his chair tightly. His face, however, was completely impassive and betraying none of the emotions he must have felt inside.
The very sight of the boy slowly replaced her anger with unspeakable rage, and she glared at Professor Dark warningly. It was a known fact that Dark had a volatile temper and an admirable quality of always speaking the truth, but this was going overboard. He had no right, none at all, to belittle a student like that, especially since the student belonged to her house.
Remus, who had been quiet for so long, seemed to have finally found his voice in the middle of their staring contest. 'Is there anything else?' he asked quietly.
Both teachers whipped around to face the boy. He had a determined look in his eyes but even so, to them, he looked small and helpless.
'Are there any other careers I can pursue?' he asked again, looking directly at Professor Dark and ignoring McGonagall. In some ways, she understood his behaviour. He wanted to know the truth, and she wanted to protect him from it.
Professor Dark stroked his beard. 'There are but chances are, Mr. Lupin that people in the wizarding community are not going to be very accepting.'
Minerva stood up from her seat furiously. 'That's enough, Dark. Please leave.' Truth or not, she would not permit this.
The Professor ignored her and looked directly into Remus's darkening amber eyes. 'You have to understand, Remus that I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm only trying to prepare you for what you are about to face when you'll no longer have these school walls or your parents to protect you. You are one of my best students and a pleasure to teach, but most people outside are going to overlook that, because-'
'Because of what I am,' finished Remus coldly, getting up from his seat. 'I'll be leaving now. Thank you for your time, Professors.'
All Minerva McGonagall could think about as she watched Remus Lupin's retreating back, was how to make life as hard as possible for David Dark. He doesn't deserve this...that boy is worth much more than that, and some day he'll prove it.
xxx
Peter had been gathering his Charms textbooks from his trunk when the door to the boy's dormitory flung open and literally flew off its hinges. He turned, startled, only to see Remus Lupin, red faced with rage, stomping into the room and very much ignoring the broken door dangling precariously by the edge.
'Hey Remus,' he stuttered out, eyes still fixed upon the door.
Remus either did not hear Peter or was too far gone to care. Instead, he picked up the nearest book on his bedside table, stared at it for a while before flinging it out the window and breaking the glass in the process.
'Remus?' Peter asked again hesitantly. This was not good. Not good at all.
Remus laughed maniacally and shrugged his bag off his shoulders, attempting to throw that out the window too. He let out a shout of rage when the damn thing got stuck halfway through the glass. Peter flinched as his friend took out his wand from his pocket and shattered the glass into a million tiny shards.
Remus smiled satisfactorily and caressed his wand with a single finger. 'Won't be needing this either, will I?' he said to himself bitterly, tossing it out of the window with disdain.
That was the last straw for Peter, and he hurriedly ran out of the room, perhaps out of fear of being thrown out of the window as well. Remus loved his wand and things must have gotten too far for him to chuck it out that way. He needed to find James and Sirius, and fast. Judging by Remus's mood, things were obviously going to get worse. His friends would know what to do to calm the werewolf. They always did.
Lucky for him, Peter found both of them at the foot of the stairs, playfully arguing about the best Quidditch team.
'I'm telling you, the Chudley Cannons will rise-' James smiled as he saw Peter descend down the stairs. 'Hey, Wormtail! Up for a game of Exploding Snap?'
Peter rested his hands on his knees, panting. Who knew running down the stairs could be this energy consuming.
Sirius grinned. 'Been trying to lose some weight working out, eh Wormtail?' He patted the boy's bulging stomach.
Peter shook his head, still trying to catch his breath. There was a loud crash from upstairs and all three of them looked up, confused. 'It's Moony,' said Peter finally. 'I don't know what's wrong with him, but-'
He didn't have to complete his sentence because both James and Sirius had pushed past him and ran up the stairs, two at a time. As they got closer, they could hear the distinct noise of more things breaking, and Sirius nearly missed getting hit in the head by what looked like a substantial piece of their windowsill.
Both of them stared at the broken remains of their door, then at Remus who was now peeling another half of the window frame with his bare hands. Finally, they tore their eyes from the spectacle and looked at each other, a message of understanding passing between them. This wasn't going to be any different from the full moons they spent together, where the wolf would sometimes be angry and bitter and hurt; and Prongs would always stand in front while Padfoot stood guard at the back in an attempt to try to control and console Moony at the same time.
Sirius walked into the room and placed his hands on Remus's shoulders, squeezing lightly. 'Why don't you give that thing in your hands to Prongs, Moony,' he whispered forcefully.
'No,' replied Remus, sounding more like a petulant child. That is, until he decided it was a good idea to hurl the entire piece of frame towards the wall, just brushing past James's ear. James didn't flinch. Both of them knew Remus had missed on purpose. It was a warning:try me and next time, it'll be your head flying out that window.
'Come on, Remus, tell us what's wrong,' said James, cautiously stepping closer to his friend so that he had barely enough space to move.
Sirius himself had already pressed his front against Remus's back and was rubbing soothing circles
down his friend's shoulder blades and spine.
'What's wrong?' Remus exclaimed, waving his hand roughly to the right. The water pitcher on Sirius's table shattered. 'What, you didn't notice, because the whole world seems to have!' Another wave and Peter's bedpost cracked.
Sirius and James looked at each other, silently reminding themselves never to get on Remus's bad side. In addition, the damage Remus was doing seemed a little...irreparable. McGonagall was not going to be happy.
'Don't even know why I bother!' continued Remus. Pieces of parchment and quills were now rising from their tables and swirling around angrily over their heads. 'Why should I give a damn about my OWLs! Don't need to study for them, don't need to give them!' He brandished his hand to the left and another small pile of books flew out of the window. 'It's not like they're going to be put to any use. Especially since I'm going to spend the rest of my life eating little children. That's what they want, isn't it? You know what?' He glared at his bed and his trunk shot out from underneath it. ' I don't even know why I stay here!'
James grabbed Remus's hands before he could did anymore damage – to himself and their room. 'You stay here, Moony, to defy all odds.'
There was silence after that, and Remus just stared into James's sincere hazel eyes, his hands shaking in between his friend's as James's words sank into him. His breathing was heavy from rage but seemed to be slowing down to normal, as he leaned back against Sirius. His knees threatened to give away, and he was only held upright by Sirius's firm grip on his shoulders.
'I hate you guys,' he whispered, letting go of James's hands and burying his face into Sirius's neck. 'I hate you so much. You always do this. You're always trying to bring my hopes up. I hate you. Why can't you just leave me alone?' He wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist, relaxing into the long fingers now rubbing soothing circles down his back.
Sirius looked at James and smiled, raising his hand to run his fingers through long brown locks. 'Because, your hopes...are our beliefs,' he whispered, kissing Remus's hair and feeling ridiculously sentimental.
xxx
'So, anyway, I was hoping you guys would come over to my place for a week or two,' said James, practically jumping. It had been the last day of their OWLs today, and the Marauders were the only ones awake in the common room after an entire night of celebration. All four of them were sitting on the floor behind the couch, a conspiratory air surrounding them even though they were being perfectly innocent tonight. After all, they had to keep up their appearances should anybody decide to venture into the common room at this hour. 'Padfoot will already be living at our place, and we could even complete that map of ours. What do you say?'
Peter squeaked a yes, and Remus smiled warmly. 'I'd like that,' he said, resting his hand on top of Sirius's who was sitting right beside him.
Sirius startled a little at the sudden touch. This sort of intimacy was alien on Remus's part, who, Sirius figured, was still a tad uncomfortable with their relationship. Also, they were both flat, rugged, manly men – holding hands never really came into the picture. Sirius turned his hand to meet their palms and entwined his fingers with Remus's. Still, he had to admit, the gesture felt... nice, girliness be damned.
James clapped Peter's back enthusiastically. 'Excellent. You can't believe the books my dad's got. We can learn so many things...'
Sirius grinned when he felt a thumb rubbing slowly across his knuckles. 'Yeah, maybe we can find new ways to torture Snivelly.'
Remus groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his other hand. 'Can't you guys just leave him alone? He's never done anything to you. I mean, how would you like it if someone showed off your underwear to the whole school?'
'I'd ask them if they liked what they saw, or maybe if they preferred briefs instead,' said Sirius, winking at Remus but there was a hint of guilt in his voice.
James smiled knowingly, as he watched the exchange between his two best friends. He shot a glance towards their entwined hands and then turned towards Peter. 'Hey, Wormtail, fancy a trip to the kitchens? We can even get some planning done about what we'll do over the holidays.'
Peter smiled widely. 'Yeah, okay.'
'What about you two?' asked James, already knowing the answer.
'We'll stay here for a while,' said Remus, tightening his hold possessively on Sirius's hand.
Sirius waited until the common room was empty before climbing on top of Remus, straddling his knees and curling up to rest his head on his friend's stomach. He snuggled comfortably and sighed against the soft white cotton. This was truly his most favourite place in the world because for someone so skinny, Remus was incredibly soft and cuddly – like Mr. Magic Marshmallow Man or Martha's Puffy Cupcakes.
Remus chuckled quietly and rested a hand on the crown of Sirius's head, scratching lightly. 'You know, Padfoot. According to most Animagus books, the animal is supposed to be you, not the other way round.'
'Sod the books,' mumbled Sirius, as he nudged Remus's t-shirt up with his nose.
'Stop sniffing me, you mutt. It tickles.'
Sirius kissed the soft expanse of skin and sat up. 'I can't help it.' He grinned, shifting himself closer to sit on the werewolf's lap. 'It's just that you smell so nice.' He wrapped his arms around Remus's shoulder. 'Like pure milk chocolate,' Sirius murmured, digging his nose into the junction of Remus's neck and inhaling his scent. 'Everything you own smells like chocolate, you know. I bet even the teachers recognise your homework by sniffing at it.'
Remus rolled his eyes. 'Of course. I can just imagine the scene in the staff room, Flitwick smelling our papers. If it smells like chocolate, it's Remus Lupin's. If it smells like wet dog and grass, then it's Sirius Black.' Remus buried his fingers into soft black hair, as Sirius kissed a trail up his neck to his jaw. 'It's probably the stash of chocolate I keep in my trunk,' he said, arching his neck up a little.
'Mmm...that could explain things, but,' Sirius's tounge swiped at Remus's lips. 'You taste like chocolate too. You must be made out of the stuff.'
'You're just being stupid,' said Remus chuckling before pulling Sirius into a kiss.
The kiss - it wasn't hesitant or unsure like the scarce ones they'd shared over the past few months. It was confident and determined andoh so good; and it was really hard to imagine that they'd never
actually been together until a couple of months ago because things were so perfect and they were definitely meant to be. Sirius had no idea what brought about the sudden transformation in Remus, or what made him change his mind all of a sudden, and he didn't care because Remus's tounge was doing the most unimaginable things in his mouth now and fuck explanations.
'I'll miss you,' whispered Remus against his lips once they'd broken apart. 'I'll miss you a lot.'
chapter 18
Potter's residence...
Sirius dipped his quill in the inkbottle one last time before completing the last few lines of his letter:
Hope to see you soon.
-Padfoot
The owl on the windowsill hooted impatiently.
'Shut up, you ruddy bird!' James Potter threw a badly aimed pillow across the room.
The owl didn't even blink and merely stuck its leg out when Sirius walked towards it, parchment already rolled up in his hand. 'Easy there, Prongs. You might scare Elle away,' he said, stroking the bird affectionately.
James sat up on his bed, clearly disgruntled. 'I don't know why you chose to write to Moony at this ungodly hour, Padfoot. It's only been eight hours since he left. What the bloody hell is so important that it couldn't wait until tomorrow?'
Sirius shrugged, as he held out a palm full of owl treats. 'I was bored.'
It was partially true. He was bored. These two weeks with the Marauders staying at Potters were probably the most fun he'd had since a long time, and the house seemed oddly quiet, now that everyone was gone.
He and Remus hadn't actually done much, not with Mr. and Mrs. Potter's constant presence, but it was merely the fact that Remus wasthere and always with him. And then, time flew by faster than he could blink, and Remus was leaving for home and hugging everyone goodbye. After that, Sirius spent over an hour sitting in front of the toilet, trying to rid himself of the nauseous feeling that had taken permanent residence inside his stomach until finally, James had to pee badly and Mrs. Potter was urging them to go to bed.
James looked at him incredulously. 'You were bored?' He enunciated every word to make sure he'd heard correctly. 'You were fucking bored at four fucking o'clock in the morning? No one in their right minds is awake enough to entertain you at this hour!'
Sirius smiled and climbed into his bed again, throwing James's pillow to him. 'Moony is.'
James snorted, catching the pillow mid air. 'What, your lurve radar tell you that?'
Sirius eyes shone impishly in the darkness. 'No, I told Elle to pester him until he wakes up and
replies to my letter.'
James shook his head and lay back on his pillow, hands behind his head. 'You know, Moony's going to get back at you for this. He'll probably send you an embarrassing howler or make the owl peck you to death or something.'
Sirius grinned, as he pulled the covers on top of himself. 'I look forward to it...'
There was a comfortable silence after that, both boys just laying in the darkness, listening to the occasional chirping of crickets and the rustling of dry leaves. Sirius still couldn't believe he was here in the Potter's residence as a part of their family. In all his life, it was the last thing he'd expected and it was without complaint. He couldn't have asked for a better summer, though probably Mrs. Potter would say otherwise. One mischievous son was bad enough. Put the two of them together, and she got her own personal hell right here in the house. It was a good thing both Remus and Peter had loving families of their own.
'Padfoot?' James voice suddenly broke his reverie.
Sirius turned to face James on the bed beside him. 'Hm?'
'Do you love him?' asked James uncertainly, running a hand through his untamed locks.
Sirius frowned. What had brought this on? Of course, it came as no surprise that James knew about their relationship. Sirius knew he would without having to tell him. It was just one of those things between best friends, like how a mother always knew when someone had been sneaking into the biscuit jar. Besides, it wasn't like he and Remus tried to be inconspicuous in front of them. They didn't kiss, but they didn't shy away from each other either. They were friends after all. If it weren't them, then whom else would they be comfortable with? He was sure James would have told Peter by now as well.
'I don't know Prongs, love is a strong word,' he replied after a long time. James bit his lip. 'I was just wondering, you know.'
Sirius shrugged. 'Moony and I...we're different. We're together, and we do have feelings for each other...just...we're not in love, is all.'
To James, it sounded very much like love, but he kept his mouth shut. There was no point in jumping to conclusions. Still... 'Are you sure about that, Padfoot? Are you sure things are that simple? That there are no strings attached in your relationship?'
Sirius rubbed his temples with his fingers. He knew for a fact that Remus didn't love him. It wasn't possible, especially since Sirius felt that he had somehow forced the werewolf into this relationship. 'Yes, I'm sure. Look, what's bothering you, Prongs?'
James grimaced. 'I just don't want Moony to get hurt.'
Sirius snorted, but not without a hint of possessiveness. 'Now you sound like you're in love with him. Moony's a big boy, Prongs. He can take care of himself.'
James brought himself up on his elbow and looked into Sirius's eyes gravely. 'Yes, but Moony's sort of become like a little brother to me, and I think, for once, he deserves to be taken care of, don't you?'
Sirius frowned at James's sharp and challenging tone.
James sighed, defeated, at his friend's puzzled expression. 'Look, Padfoot, Moony...he tends to get very attached to people and most of the time he gets rejected as soon as they find out what he is. And despite how he might argue that he's used to it, he still hurts. I just don't want you to end up as one of those people to abandon him. He's had enough grief without you adding to it.'
Sirius pushed himself up on his elbow to meet James's eyes 'You know I'd never hurt him, Prongs, you know that,' he said passionately. He was shocked that James would ever doubt him of such a thing. Remus was one of the most important people in the world to him.
James nodded, settling back down again. 'Yeah, okay, but Padfoot, if this doesn't work out...our friendship...it will be ruined forever. And I'm not just talking about you and Moony here.'
Sirius felt his chest tighten uncomfortably. 'Marauders always come first, Prongs. We both know that.'
'Yeah, all right. Just...be careful, Padfoot; that's all I'm saying,' said James slowly, before surrendering to sleep.
xxx
Delilah Lupin sighed hopelessly into her food. It was the last day of the summer holidays, and she'd had no progress with her son whatsoever. It was frustrating; the way he moped and just sat there mute, only half heartedly swallowing his food. He'd been like that the entire summer, since he'd come back from the Potters. At first, Del had thought that he was perhaps missing his friends but now, this was getting completely out of hand.
She was a psychiatrist after all, and she knew the signs of depression when she saw it. But instead of talking about it like she'd always taught him to do, Remus chose to lock himself up in his room instead, only coming down during meals. Even when they'd gotten his OWL results, he'd been far from ecstatic. At that time, both she and her husband had figured it was because of the 'E' he'd gotten in Potions, and John Lupin had even offered to cheer him up with tickets to a footy match. However, their son had refused, which was odd by itself. Remus never said no to anything his father offered, especially not football. What Del couldn't understand was what in God's name could have happened that was drastic enough to change her normally affectionate child into this unhappy mess?
She looked up at her husband and saw that he was shooting the same concerned glances towards their boy, who had bags under his eyes so deep that he looked like a raccoon. Obviously, he hadn't been getting much sleep. Del sighed again and reached out to Remus, smoothing the wrinkles on his forehead with her thumb.
'Baby, do you have something you want to tell us?'
Remus's head shot up from his plate, and he looked at both of them with frightened eyes. 'Do I?' he asked, his voice shaking.
Del leaned back in her chair and noticed that John had looked up from his food as well. 'I don't know, love. It seems like you do.'
Remus shook his head and smiled unconvincingly. 'No. No, I don't...' He paused for a while,
looking at both of them intently, then sighed, bowing his head low so that his hair tumbled into his eyes. 'No, wait. I-I do.'
Del smoothed his hair back, tucking it behind his ears. 'You know you can tell us anything, Remus.'
Remus took a deep breath and nodded. 'I'm...I'm seeing someone,' he said slowly. John Lupin frowned, obviously confused. 'Is that a good thing?'
Remus ran a hand through his hair. 'I don't know. We're both good friends, and we like each other a lot. So...yeah, I guess it is.'
'And does she know...about you, that is?' asked Del, placing her hand over her son's.
Remus looked down again, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. 'Yeah, he does.'
Del's eyes widened (he?), but John seemed to have not noticed because he broke into a wide grin. 'Well, I don't see a reason to be upset then. We should be celebrating this special occasion, don't you think? Why don't we-'
'John,' interrupted Del, her voice low. 'I'd like to talk to Remus alone for a while.'
Her husband's smile faltered but after a while of thought, he nodded, casting a playful wink Remus's way. He obviously thought that 'the talk' involved something around the lines of the birds and the bees.
Del turned towards her son, expression unreadable. 'Remus, upstairs, now.'
Remus gulped and followed his mother upstairs and into his room. She didn't say anything but casually noted the expressions on her son's face, flitting from fear, to anxiety, to something she couldn't quite read yet.
Honestly, she didn't know what to say. Of all things, this was what she least expected and for the first time in her life, she felt unprepared and unable to solve a problem.
Once they'd entered the room, Remus sat down on his bed, knees immediately drawing up to his chest.
'I don't know what to say, Remus,' said Del slowly, locking the door behind them.
Remus whimpered, burying his face into the crook of his knees.
Del sat down facing him, taking in his drooping form. She sighed heavily and decided to plunge in. 'It's nothing to worry over, Remus. I'm sure it's just a phase, and it probably isn't uncommon for teenagers your age to-'
'Mum, will you, for once, try to understand me instead of studying me!' cried out Remus, looking up at her with bright amber eyes. 'I'm not one of your patients, and I'm not a child.'
Whatever practiced lines Del was going to recite quickly slipped away. 'Remus-'
'I know how I feel, mum and what it means. And I'm sorry, but this isn't going to just fade away with time. I don't mean to be so...abnormal...but there's nothing I can do about it, and it's okay if you want to shout at me now but, please...try and understand...and don't leave me...and...I'm not asking for much,' his voice broke at the end and his eyes immediately cast down to his feet.
Del stared at her son sorrowfully. He'd clearly been holding this back all summer, because he thought his parents were going to desert him. Such little faith. No wonder he'd been miserable. 'Oh, baby,' she carded her fingers through his honey brown hair. 'We'd never leave you, you know that.' When Remus didn't respond, she pulled him into a hug, feeling his arms instantly wind tightly around her.
'I didn't want to tell you at first,' he whispered against her shoulder. 'But I hated lying all the time.'
'It's okay, baby. It's okay...' She rubbed soothing circles on his back. 'I'm glad you did.'
He dug deeper into her shoulder, seeking comfort. 'Dad doesn't know yet.'
'He'll-' A muted shout that sounded a lot like fucking hell interrupted her sentence. Del laughed. 'I think he just figured it out,'
Remus, however, did not find the situation particularly amusing. 'He doesn't sound very happy,' he said, hesitantly looking up at her.
'He's just a little shocked. He'll get over it, you know your father.'
Remus bit his lip. 'What if he doesn't mum? What if he doesn't want me anymore?'
Del's heart broke at how small he sounded. 'That's impossible, baby. There hasn't been a single moment when your father didn't want you,' she replied, rubbing her thumb against his cheek. 'No one's ever made him more proud. Even when you were born, I remember how he would parade you around everywhere like you were royalty. He'd even take you to work if he could. There was such a drastic change in his personality that his colleagues were afraid he would go hug all the dark wizards and sing lullabies to them instead.' She smiled when Remus let out a weak laugh. 'Even now, Remus, he'd do anything for you and don't tell him this, but I think he's framed your old scribbles in his office because I sure as hell can't find them.'
There was a loud crash from downstairs, and Remus shuddered in his mother's arms. 'Mum, I'm scared.'
Del kissed his forehead. 'Don't be. I'll talk to your father, okay? By morning, he'll probably be teasing you about it.' She unwound herself and stood up. 'Why don't you get some sleep? You have a long journey ahead of you tomorrow.'
Remus nodded, lying down on his bed and pulling the covers over himself. 'Goodnight, mum.' 'Goodnight, baby. Sleep well.'
xxx
'Remus!' His mother's voice called out from the kitchen. 'You're dad's waiting in the car!'
Remus ran down the stairs, two at a time, trying to finger comb his hair. 'I'm coming, mum!' He ran past the kitchen door and skidded to a stop to drop a kiss on his mother's cheek. 'Bye!'
'Have a good year, love,' said Del fondly, watching her son walk out the back door.
Remus walked around the house towards the road. John Lupin was already sitting in the car, drumming his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel. He'd already started the engine, which was making a weird groaning noise probably from the last damage it suffered. It was still
unknown why Delilah Lupin let John drive the car. After four years, his father's driving had only improved enough for him not to smash into at least four lamp posts on the way. No, now it was only three...
Remus quickly slipped into his seat and buckled his seatbelt. 'Hey dad.'
John did not reply and stepped hard on the accelerator instead. Remus shrugged, figuring his father had probably not heard him and opted for silence anyway. Halfway through the trip, however, he was starting to feel extremely uncomfortable. His father hadn't even looked at him since he'd entered the car, and the playful banter that they both usually enjoyed was replaced by a very unwelcome and awkward silence.
Remus shifted in his seat. 'Dad?'
Nothing. John just kept on driving.
Perhaps his father hadn't heard him over the sound of the engine? Remus tried again. 'Dad?'
Another sharp left turn.
'Dad, will you please just talk to me?' said Remus exasperatedly, throwing his hands up.
The car stopped at the signal, but John didn't bother looking at his son. He merely shrugged and adjusted the mirror. 'What do you want me to say, Remus?'
That you're okay with this. That you don't care. Remus looked down at his lap. 'I don't know.'
There was a prolonged silence until John finally banged a frustrated fist against the dashboard. 'Damn it, Remus, why do you always have to do this? Why do you always end up making things harder on yourself?'
Remus didn't meet his father's eyes. 'I didn't do anything, dad. It just happened.' He wrung his hands together nervously. 'I didn't want it to and believe me, I tried to stop it, but-'
'Well, you obviously didn't try hard enough, did you?' The light turned green, and John took off with a sharp start. 'Bloody hell, Remus, do you have any idea how people are going to look at you after this? It's bad enough that you have to deal with being a werewolf, but this...this just takes you on to a whole new level!'
He took another sudden turn, and it was miracle that both men were sitting perfectly upright. 'I don't intend to parade it around, dad. I just felt like I had to tell you and mum, that's all.'
John's grip tightened on the wheel, and he took his eyes off the road to glare at his son. 'And what, Remus? Expect things to go all happy and dandy, when I know that-'
'I'm a monster and now a freak to add to it?' interrupted Remus, eyes looking back with fury. Why didn't his father try to understand? It wasn't any easier for Remus than it was for him, but at least he'd accepted it. 'Say it dad, you know you want to.'
'Well, you'd better get used to it, because at the direction you're going, you'll be hearing it a lot more!'
Remus felt like he'd been punched in the gut.
'Every single day of my life, Remus, I spend searching for a cure to your lycanthropy - anything
that will make life easier for you.' John either didn't notice the speed limit sign or was too angry to care. 'Tell me, do I have to search one for your gayness as well, because I sure as hell don't know.'
Remus felt anger bubble inside of him. Why, why was this happening? This was his father! Of all people, he was the first one Remus had expected to understand. 'It's not a disease, dad, and I'm not gay! I just fell in love!' Remus's eyes widened at his own declaration. That had not been what he'd wanted to say. In fact, the revelation came as shock to himself. He was in love with Sirius? Surely not. 'I just fell in love,' he whispered again, staring at his hands. Perhaps it was a question Remus was asking himself; perhaps it was a confirmation from his heart to his brain. Who knew?
The car came to an abrupt halt in front of the station, and John turned in his seat to face his son. 'You're too young to know what love is, Remus,' he said slowly, shaking his head.
'Maybe,' replied Remus shakily. He looked up at his father's bright blue eyes. 'But that's what it feels like right now. I love him.' The words were just rolling out of his tounge now, fast and unrelenting. 'And he's just as important to me as you or mum...and if you just gave him a chance...'
John Lupin looked away. 'Your trunk's in the boot, Remus,' he said, voice as cold as ice. Remus felt an iron fist clutch at his heart. 'Dad, please,' he said desperately.
His father shook his head, fixing his gaze straight ahead. 'I'm sorry, Remus, but this is one thing about you that I just will not accept.'
It was the first time Remus Lupin walked to the station completely alone. It was a heart breaking sight, even for those who didn't know what had happened. The way Remus's posture sagged and his shoulders shook, how his eyes shone with unshed tears as he stood there looking at the empty space where his father's car had been only minutes ago. Right then, there was nothing Remus wanted to do more than just fall to his knees and cry, but he didn't, couldn't. Not in the middle of the station, not in front of so many people.