chapter 25

It is said that when a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another. We never truly appreciate the weight of our actions and how the tiniest details can create a hurricane of change. The smallest changes in our present can have a drastic and phenomenal change on our future; can create worlds and destroy them; can bring down great forces and elevate the rest; can recover loves lost and make heroes out of convicted criminals. That is where we start; at the very eye of the hurricane:

December 1980...

Everyone had seen the end coming – the final falling out of Remus and Sirius. The process had been gradual; it had simply started with the loss of casual touches. Sirius and Remus eventually stopped brushing hands when they walked together; stopped entwining their legs under the dinner table; stopped using every joyous occasion as an excuse to hug each other a little longer, a little closer.

Back then, the change hadn't been too noticeable, not even to Remus and Sirius, but then started the arguments. The time apart from each other and Remus's long absences were starting to put pressure on their already strained relationship. They still loved each other, but could no longer find the time to share their thoughts and feelings as they did back then. The disagreements only grew worse with time to a point where they no longer needed a reason to be shouting at each other.

No one could tell you how it had actually happened, not really. Very few knew about Remus and Sirius's relationship to start with, and those few had always considered their bond as solid as rock. Of course, there was one person who could always give you a small percentage of the reason: Peter Pettigrew.

Perhaps, things wouldn't have been so bad between Remus and Sirius if it hadn't been for Peter's constant tales to Sirius. Seven years of living with Sirius had taught Peter Sirius's utmost weaknesses: his utter faith in everything his closest friends said, his need to know everything that involved his loved ones, and his hatred for the Dark Arts.

Peter had never had to think as hard as he did during that one year. Sirius could easily confront Remus about any lies Peter told him, so he had to twist the truth; hint at Remus's faults without pushing too hard; but mostly, he had to use Remus's condition as a tool.

It had started with only one simple suggestion, but as the suspicion within the Order began to grow, so did Peter's desperation to save his own precious skin. What had started out as a simple diversion tactic had turned into an enormous rift between Remus and Sirius.

Peter had never wanted them to break up. He hadn't. He had never dreamt that his words could have that strong an effect on their relationship. If he had known, perhaps, he would have limited himself a bit more. Perhaps, he would have blamed all the Order mishaps on someone else other than Remus. Sometimes, Peter lay awake at night, wondering what it was that he'd said that had finally broken the straw. What had been the end of the line for Remus and Sirius?

Sirius was kneeling behind the hedge, his fists clenched tight enough to bleed and his body shaking so hard that he looked about to break. He would have screamed and shouted and fought with his fists instead of his wand had it not been for Caradoc Dearborn restraining and holding him back by both shoulders.

'Look, Yates, just take it all in, right? Don't think about it, especially not in front of the Dark Lord,' whispered the Death Eater (whom none of them recognised). 'It's not worth it. It's not worth losing your life over, and you've got a family to take care of now.'

The Death Eater called Yates rubbed his face beneath his mask. 'You don't know if that's what really happened to Regulus, Manson. We have nothing to prove that he's really dead.'

Sirius could feel his face getting hot, his teeth clenching and unclenching. He needed to get out, he needed to hit something, to scream and scream and scream.

'Look, Yates, Black was getting truly out of control. It wasn't the first time he'd slipped up, you know, but the Dark Lord gave him chances to prove himself. The boy's always been reluctant and he deliberately went and defied the Lord. None of us know what he did, but the Lord's word is enough conviction, I think.'

Sirius's head was going to burst any moment. Dearborn's hand was over his mouth and Sirius's bit into it angrily. The hand didn't even flinch, and Sirius, had he been in his right mind, would have been eternally grateful to Dearborn for keeping him in control.

His brother. His baby brother: dead; murdered for wanting a way out. Why hadn't he come to Sirius? If he had wanted out, why hadn't he just come to him?

'Snape's confirmed it, too, and we all know that there's no one the Lord trusts more than him. He uses the Lestranges' obsession as a tool, but we all know that Snape is the only one the Lord truly confides to.'

Snape. Sirius should have known that Snape would somehow be behind this. Had there been other Death Eaters as well? Had there been people other than Yates and Manson watching his brother as he died? Killing him, murdering him for wanting to be free?

Dearborn squeezed Sirius's shoulder painfully. 'Sirius, I'm going to apparate you somewhere close to home. I need you to get some rest. I'll explain the rest to Moody, do you understand?'

A sudden thought came onto him. Had Remus been a part of it? What if Peter had been right?

'I don't think he's going into any more missions, Padfoot. Dumbledore's always mentioning how

dangerous it is for him, but he comes out unscathed every time.'

Sirius hadn't cared if Remus was a Death Eater. He had punched Peter the first time he had come

close to suggesting it and then accepted it as the evidence got more obvious and the absences more clear. He still hadn't cared. Remus could have been Lord Voldemort himself, and Sirius wouldn't have stopped loving him. Sirius would have let him get away with anything, except this...

'Black, I brought you as close to the cottage as I could. Can you make it there by yourself?'

Remus wouldn't do something like that to him, he wouldn't. Remus knew how Sirius felt about his family, about his baby brother. Remus knew exactly where it would hit hardest...

'He keeps too many secrets, Sirius, and talks about none. Why doesn't he trust us? What's he trying to hide?'

When had all this happened? When had his brother died? Last year? This year? This month? Had it been the day Remus had made love to him silently, not wanting to talk but just to feel skin against skin? Had Remus touching him so hesitantly been a sign of apology; of regret?

'How easy is it to lose your mind, Padfoot? To prejudice; to desperation; to need?'

Sirius took out the letter he'd received from James from his pocket. He'd received it back in the office, but had been called to the mission and unable to read it. It seemed to be written in haste, James's already untidy handwriting looking almost unintelligible:

Padfoot,

Harry's ill, so we're a little busy today. I heard you might be working a late shift tonight from Arthur. If you are, send me a reply, and me and Wormtail will somehow manage to accompany Moony on tonight's full moon. Otherwise, I need to stay home and take care of Harry.

If you make it, tell Moony I'm really sorry and hope he isn't hurt too badly. Let me know as soon as you can.

Prongs

Sirius reread the letter, not having caught most of it at first glance. He later figured it was because his hands had been shaking violently the whole time. He looked around for the first time since they'd apparated and realised that Dearborn had apparated Sirius directly to Remus's transforming grounds rather than their flat. They'd lived in the small abandoned cottage temporarily while searching for a flat. It was where Remus transformed now, and Sirius could already see the padlocks on the door sealed secure.

He looked up then, watching the moon come out from in between the clouds and hearing familiar howls of pain that came along with it.

Sirius tore the letter to pieces and disapparated.

xxx

Sirius got up early next morning when the need for food had gotten too strong to ignore or sleep off. He padded bare feet into the kitchen, still sleepy eyed and exhausted, so much so that he'd nearly tripped over the fallen figure of his lover on the floor. As Sirius's eyes burst open in shock and took in the sight of Remus, last night's ordeal came rushing back to him. He backed away slightly, holding on to the kitchen counter to steady himself.

Regulus was dead.

Remus was bleeding a steady stream of red all over the clean kitchen tiles, blood pooling underneath his stomach and legs. There were scratches and bites all over his body, some that looked fatal and others that revealed the flesh and bones underneath. Remus must have apparated into the apartment and fainted from exertion.

Sirius felt bile rise at the back of his throat, guilt and pressure threatening to overwhelm him. He quickly summoned his wand, kneeling beside Remus on the floor where the blood as yet to reach. He tried to wipe the blood off Remus's face with his hand, but only managed to smear it more so that the face beneath was completely unrecognisable. Sirius had only seen Remus this cut up once after a transformation and that had been a long time ago.

'I would have done anything for you, Remus,' Sirius whispered, fingering Remus's blood crusted hair. 'I would have given you my life, my body, my soul; anything that you asked for would have been yours.'

Sirius closed his eyes, clutching his wand so tight that it was in danger of breaking. It would be easy now, with Remus laid prone and defenceless before him. It would be so easy to kill him, to take the revenge Sirius deserved to have. He didn't even need to whisper a spell; he could just leave Remus here to bleed to death. The Ministry would never question him, not for killing a werewolf.

Sirius's wand hand shook, still aimed at Remus's heart, poised and ready to be fired. 'Fuck you, Remus,' Sirius cried softly, feeling his resolve faltering and his voice cracking. 'Fuck you!' He flicked his wand violently, sending sparks of red flying to Remus's chest and making his whole body jerk violently upwards.

xxx

Remus woke up with a groan to the soft cling and clatter of cutlery and plates being rearranged at his bedside table. He could hardly open his eyes from the pain that was shooting through him, but knew it was Sirius there at the bedside table; Sirius making a fuss over potions and food like he did every month; Sirius sounding very upset.

Remus wondered what he did this time. Sirius's bad moods seemed to always be Remus's fault one way or another. It could be trivial things, as small as Remus leaving dirty dishes in the sink to Remus coming home late again. Remus didn't mind taking in the brunt, not really, because sometimes, he took his anger and frustration out on his lover as well. It seemed like the only way to deal with the war now.

Still, Remus must have done something really horrible this time for Sirius to miss the transformation. Sirius never missed a transformation, not even on the days he had to work late. It was the one thing that had brought and kept them and the Marauders together. The wolf last night had been angered(hurt) by the absence of its companions, to a point where it blamed Remus because it didn't have the intelligence to blame itself.

'Here, drink this,' a hand lifted him by the neck gently and poured liquid down his throat; Blood Replenishing potion and a touch of whisky to dull the pain. It worked.

Remus opened his eyes slowly after he was lowered back to the bed, only to see Sirius's turned back to him. 'How are you feeling?' Sirius asked roughly; his voice sounded forced, pained, broken.

Remus replied, his own throat feeling raw and disused, 'Hurts.' He wasn't talking about the physical aspect of the pain.

'I know,' Sirius said, still not turning back to face Remus. He was rummaging around with the tray of potions, pouring, and decanting, and doing things that were mostly unnecessary but kept his hands busy.

Remus sat up gingerly, trying not to put too much weight on his bandaged arm. For a second, he considered reaching out and touching Sirius but decided not to. The days when he could touch Sirius whenever he wanted to without his lover freezing up were long gone. Sirius seemed a lot more...guarded...around him now.

'Why didn't you come?' Remus braved to ask. He quelled down the part of him that was wolf; that demanded an explanation for being abandoned. 'I knew you were there; I felt you. Why did you walk away?' His tone came out accusing towards the end and Remus wished it hadn't when he saw Sirius's back stiffening.

'Why should I have come?' Sirius asked, his hand pausing over an unlabeled bottle. 'Is it a rule? Is it necessary that I be there to hold your hand for you every, single transformation?'

Remus frowned, not knowing what to say.

'Maybe I didn't want to come,' Sirius continued, his voice lowering to a dangerous pitch. 'Maybe I didn't want to spend my time slaving over a werewolf.'

Remus knew Sirius was being hurtful on purpose; knew that he didn't really mean anything he said but just needed a channel for his anger. Yet, despite knowing all that, he couldn't control his own defensiveness and fury when he bit back, 'You never had any problems fucking one!'

Sirius whirled around to look him in the face for the first time. 'It was cheap,' he spat venomously, 'and convenient.'

For some reason, the blow really hurt. Remus was supposed to throw it off like anything else Sirius ever said in a fit of anger, but he couldn't. Sirius had hit too hard and too deep, and Sirius himself seemed to realise it when he saw Remus's wounded expression.

'Remus, I didn't mean that,' Sirius explained, looking truly apologetic. 'I just...I was so angry and I- '

'I'm sorry,' Remus interrupted. It was the first time he had apologised during any of their arguments. 'I'm sorry.'

Sirius looked at him, a glint of something in his eyes that Remus wished he could read. 'What for?' he asked suspiciously. It was as if he was expecting Remus to admit to some dastardly deed.

Remus shrugged, looking down when the pain at looking at Sirius became too much and too tight. 'I don't know.'

'Then don't be,' Sirius replied tightly, the anger coming back into his voice. 'Don't mock me with your empty apologies, Remus. It just makes things worse.'

Remus didn't know what he was talking about. It made him furious, of course it did; the way Sirius always blamed him for everything; the way they'd somehow always end up fighting whenever they were together. It made him angry that he was always the one who had to control himself and watch his words while Sirius didn't, simply because it was accepted as part of his nature.

Remus had never felt as tired as he did right then. 'What do you want from me, Sirius?'

Sirius got off the bed, walking to their window and keeping a steady gaze outside. What he was looking at, Remus would never know, because the lack of noise told him that the streets were probably empty at this time of morning.

Sirius sighed heavily. 'I think, Remus, that this should end. Whatever we have between us; it's not working anymore.'

The statement had hit harder than a ton of bricks. So hard that Remus, for a while, could do nothing but stare at his hands, speechless and horrified. It was like his worst fears coming true; like his whole world crashing down at his feet: everything he'd built and depended upon was suddenly being taken away from him. Remus didn't move, couldn't; it hurt too much. It hurt in his chest, his head, his arms, his feet; it closed his throat and choked him of all his oxygen; it killed that one strand of hope and soul he'd been hanging on to throughout this war.

Remus had expected it, but still had never seen it coming.

'I think,' Sirius continued, now fingering the drapes and twisting them around his fingers. 'I think, I would like to remember you as someone I loved rather than someone I'd grown to hate.'

Silence reigned between them for what felt like years, and Remus used that time to control himself, to kill any emotions he had and become the steady rock that people had come to know him to being. 'I understand,' Remus whispered after a long time, amazed at how stable his voice sounded despite his insides withering. 'I'll leave today...now if you want me to.'

'You don't have to leave,' Sirius said softly, his hands slipping from the drapes. 'There's another room.' He leaned his head against the glass, and Remus could tell by the way he breathed heavily upon it that Sirius didn't really want him to stay. The offer was just a formality, something to balance Remus during his crippled state of unemployment and poverty. 'You can stay there.'

'I don't think I can,' Remus replied, twisting in the bed to find the best way to get up without hurting himself too much. His body ached all over but when his feet finally hit the floor, Remus felt compelled to look at Sirius one last time. 'Will you help me pack?' he asked, wishing Sirius would turn towards him, could at least bring himself to look Remus in the eye. 'That is, if you don't hate me too much.'

Sirius nodded once, his fingers now skating over the ridges of the window frame, but his eyes still fixed firmly outside. 'Drink your tea first.'

Remus stared at the tea cup on the bedside table. It was starting to coagulate on the surface from staying out too long and cooling too quickly. He didn't really want any, but years of tradition had registered tea and cigarettes in his brain as something to calm his nerves. It only took a small sip before Remus started feeling dizzy again and fell into the bed backwards. Vaguely, he reprimanded himself for not having smelled the Dreamless Sleep potion Sirius had poured in his tea before drinking it...

xxx

James stepped over the debris of various broken furniture and plates that littered the floor, suddenly feeling worried and anxious. 'Padfoot!' It didn't look like a Death Eater pattern of attack, but you never knew nowadays. 'Moony!'

He sped up now, kicking most of the things that came in his path. Sirius and Remus's flat was a wreck, looking as if it had been hit by the hurricane or very explosive magic. He hoped neither of

his friends had been hurt in anyway; he didn't know what he would do if they were.

Suddenly, James heard laughter from inside one of the rooms and quickened his pace, nearly tripping over the shattered television set on the way. He found Sirius sitting there, wrapped haphazardly in bed sheets that had been pulled off the bed itself. Their bedside table had been overturned, the drawers pulled out and everything else thrown in different corners of the room. The picture didn't seem to disturb James as much as Sirius himself did.

Sirius was laughing.

He was laughing maniacally as if he'd been poisoned by laughing gas or subjected to a tickling charm that had gone horribly wrong. He was laughing with his head tilted to the side and resting on his shoulder in an angle that seemed painfully impossible; his eyes had rolled to the back of his head and his hair had fallen mostly to the right side of his face in a tilt making him look insane.

'Sirius?' James approached him tentatively, not sure what to do or say. 'Sirius, what happened here?' God, where was Remus? James hoped he was safe; that the transformation hadn't been too bad for him.

Sirius seemed to notice James's presence only after James had kneeled close to him. He stopped laughing for a while, blinking and looking at James as if he'd never seen him before. His jaw twitched momentarily before he broke into a crazy grin. 'He's gone!' Sirius cried, voice breaking towards the end. 'He went while I was asleep, and he didn't even care! He didn't even fight for me!' Sirius started laughing again, but this time there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

James placed a hand on Sirius's shoulder, a sudden dread filling him. He didn't need to know who he was; Remus of course. Something had happened to Remus; the transformation had gone wrong and it was all because of James. All because James and Peter had been too busy to come and help.Merlin, please let him be alright, please let him be alive...

'Sirius, please, tell me what happened! Remus, where's Remus? Sirius, tell me!'

Sirius shook his head, side to side, muttering more to himself than James. 'I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate him for making me love him. I should have never-'

James wished Sirius would tell him something, anything, to calm his own beating heart. Remus couldn't be dead, could he? Transformations were never usually that bad for him, and Sirius always knew what to do for the rough ones, didn't he?

'Sirius, please!'

'FUCK HIM!' Sirius suddenly burst out, startling James back. 'FUCK HIM AND HIS STUPID VOLDEMORT! HE KILLED MY BROTHER! HE KILLED MY BROTHER AND I COULDN'T KILL HIM! FUCK THAT BLOODY TRAITOR!' Sirius panted, his chest heaving and eyes wild. His face was twisted in a pained expression, his skin turning from pale to a very sickly, unhealthy colour.

James looked at him, shocked speechless and cautiously crawling towards him. 'Sirius?'

Sirius looked at James, smiled and shrugged. 'He's gone,' he said casually, before retching all over the floor and James's shoes.

xxx

The bell rang for a second time and Nash quickened her steps, grumbling about how Del always made guests do all the work around the house. 'Hold on, I'm coming, you bastard!'

She didn't understand why she had to answer the door; it wasn't as if it was her house though Delilah Lupin would say so otherwise. She spent so much time in the Lupin cottage that she was one short step away from actually living there. It wasn't really her fault; she was lonely half the time and got through more boyfriends than she probably did underwear. It was only logical to spend time watching movies and chatting away into the night with another desolate soul. Besides, Delilah seemed to be deteriorating through loneliness and Natasha tried to make it a point to take care of her as often as possible.

'Nash, who is it?' Del called out from the living room, where she was busy surfing all two hundred of her useless channels.

Nash opened the door cheerfully only to find her face fall at the sight of her only nephew standing in front of her with a rather large trunk supported behind him. His presence was disconcerting to her for many reasons; to start with, neither of them had seen him for nearly a year after Del and his quarrel.

Remus looked terrible: his pupils rimmed red, dark shadows under his eyes, and cheeks sunken in even though he looked otherwise well fed and healthy. He was trembling violently underneath his heavy coat and jumper, his knees looking weak enough to give away. A second later, she realised that he was leaning heavily against the doorframe for support.

'I didn't know where else to go,' Remus whispered, his voice sounding hoarse and scratchy as if he'd been screaming for too long.

Nash, still gobsmacked by his sudden appearance, could only move aside to let him in.

Remus looked at her for a moment as if hesitating and unsure of himself. He only stepped in when Nash nodded and muttered a soft 'come in, love'. The trunk handle slipped out of his grasp and fell to the floor with a loud 'thud' as Remus dragged it in inside; yet, her nephew seemed not to have noticed. He continued to walk as if in a trance, hand still clutching the air which his trunk had occupied only moments ago. He didn't seem to be in the right state of mind, and Nash worried over what could have happened.

She quickly locked the door, reactivating any security spells that Remus may have disabled, before she levitated Remus's trunk into the living room. She found Remus standing by the couch Del was sitting upon, both staring at each other with expressions of shock (in case of Del) and sheer misery.

'I'll go first thing tomorrow morning, I promise,' Remus said with a weak voice, and Nash assumed that he and his mother had been talking before she'd come in. 'You'll never know I was here.'

Nash felt her heart break into a million pieces and she looked at Del to find her mirroring the sentiment. Del beckoned Remus with her hand, grasping his wrist and pulling him to her when he didn't respond. Delilah swallowed for a moment as if trying to gather her words.

'Baby, what happened?' Del asked shakily, smoothing his hair out of his face, 'Remus, what's wrong?'

Remus shook his head, his entire body now trembling within his mother's arms. 'I'm fine,' he said, the crack in his voice betraying his statement.

Del looked at Nash pleadingly and almost out of instinct, Nash summoned a blanket from upstairs.

She sat down on the other side of Remus, helping Del unbutton his grime covered coat and take off his shoes and socks. The whole time, Remus sat on the sofa completely impassive and oblivious to what was happening around him.

'You're staying here, Remus,' Nash said sternly as she wrapped the blanket tightly around him. 'Don't you dare run away in the morning, am I understood?'

Remus swayed and for a moment, Nash was sure he was going to fall, but he simply laid his head in his mother's lap, his face buried deep within the warm cloth of her dressing gown. Nash thought she heard Remus whimper something but confined it to her imaginations, widening the sofa to fit in his long legs instead.

Nash and Del exchanged worried looks.

Del had started petting Remus's hair softly in an attempt to soothe him while Nash searched for any visible signs of injury. She knew she wouldn't find any; Remus's didn't look physically wounded, but it was a small hope.

'Baby,' Del whispered, affectionately kissing Remus's hair. 'Remus, please tell me what's wrong? What happened to you?' Her tone bordered on frantic when Remus shuddered against her and both women knew that he was barely suppressing tears. 'Remus, did anyone hurt you?'

Remus broke.

Soft sobs pressed into his mother's stomach, hands loosely gripping the cloth of her gown. He made no visible sounds, didn't turn to show his face, hardly moved beyond the gentle shake of his shoulders. A casual observer would notice nothing different about Remus, but for the women who had literally nurtured him and watched him grow, it was a heart wrenching sight. Especially because they knew that Remus didn't want to cry; that he wouldn't have if Del hadn't pushed the subject too much; that they could hear soft, needing calls of 'mum' in between barely audible sobs.

Nash turned away, unable to look at him anymore.

xxx

Sirius rocked Harry gently, trying to soothe the crying fit he'd suddenly taken up. He tried singing, but realised it would only make things worse because he wasn't really that much of a singer. It was Rem-

'Shh, Harry,' Sirius whispered, patting his Godson on the back as he walked back and forth. 'Don't cry, lad, come on.' His own throat was closing up again as Harry's cries began to weaken and his little body began to slump tiredly into his Godfather's. Sirius took a deep breath, willing himself to get a grip and take care of what was important now.

'I owled Remus this morning.'

Sirius didn't notice Lily come into the room, and his grip tightened instinctively on Harry. He relaxed when she sat quietly on the sofa and placed the tray of tea and biscuits she'd been holding on the table.

'Aren't you going to ask if he replied?'

Sirius couldn't meet Lily's eyes, so he focused on keeping Harry asleep instead. 'No.'

Lily didn't seem to think Sirius's opinion was important and sipped her tea like she hadn't even heard him 'He didn't, but his mother wrote back. He showed up at the cottage around midnight.'

Sirius gritted his teeth angrily, ignoring the clenching feeling in his guts in favour of the familiar, consuming feeling of anger that was slowly surfacing within him again. 'I don't care.'

Lily looked at him with calm, cool green eyes. 'She doesn't know what happened. Remus hasn't told her yet. In fact, he hasn't woken up since the last fourteen hours.'

Sirius closed his eyes, resting his cheek against Harry's head for a minute. The child had fallen asleep in his arms and in a last minute attempt to control his anger in front of his Godson, Sirius made to walk out of the room.

'I want you to go there and apologise right now, Sirius.'

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, taking deep calming breaths to quell his boiling fury. 'Regulus is dead,' he said calmly, turning towards Lily. 'Did James tell you that when he brought me here yesterday? My brother's dead.'

'And you think Remus did it, do you?' Lily challenged, getting up. 'I didn't want to believe James when he told me, but it's true, isn't it? You actually think Remus is the traitor. Sirius, how could you?'

Sirius laughed bitterly. 'I don't think, Lily, I know he's the traitor. There's enough proof against him, but I never thought he'd come this-' Sirius let the sentence hang, seeing no point in completing it and simply walking out of the living room.

Lily followed him. 'Proof? The only proof you're seeing, Sirius, is the fact that he's a werewolf.'

'How many werewolves do you see that are on our side, Lily?' Sirius asked angrily. 'How many? There are limits to anomalies.'

'Listen to you,' Lily cried, grabbing him by the shoulders. 'You sound like someone else. These words aren't even yours, I can tell!'

They weren't. They were Peter's, but they were true and Sirius had been given enough information about Remus to know that now.

'James doesn't believe you, you know, he never did even the first time you told him,' Lily continued when Sirius dislodged her grip and started walking up the stairs. 'He doesn't think Remus is the spy.'

'James loves Remus like family,' Sirius replied coldly, 'he always has, and sometimes, it's hard to accept the faults of your own blood.'

'What about you, Sirius, don't you love him?'

Sirius's jaw quivered from suppressed emotion. Hot tears were prickling at the back of his eyes now, but he pushed them away, blinding himself by looking sideways at Harry's black hair instead. 'No,' he whispered, stepping into Harry's room.

xxx

There was a knock on the door and Nash poked her head through the door. 'Has he woken up yet?'

Del shook her head, glancing back at her son sleeping peacefully in his old bed. He'd cried himself to sleep last night, head still rested on Del's lap, until Nash had insisted they levitate him back to a comfortable bed. He hadn't woken up since, and Del found herself checking up on him a little too often to make sure he was still breathing.

Natasha bit her lip, walking to Remus's bedside. 'Are you sure he's alright?'

Delilah smiled kindly. 'He's fine. Small fever, nothing fatal, I promise you. He's just sleeping off his exhaustion. You go ahead.'

Nash stroked Remus's brown hair softly, eyes brimming with concern. 'I don't want to. I can take time off work, stay here for another day.'

'I'll call you if you're needed,' Del assured. 'Theodore will have a fit if you miss a work day. That man is unnaturally obsessive about you.'

Nash laughed weakly. 'The old Lupin charm, I suppose. Just...just let me know when he wakes up, okay? I'll stop by this weekend for a visit.'

Del nodded, watching her sister in law walk out of the room before turning towards her son. She ran her fingers through his hair, lank and damp from when his fever had broken. His eyelids fluttered at her touch, face scrunching up in displeasure before turning his whole body towards her.

He should be eating something, she knew. The full moon had been only a day ago and he needed to keep his energy levels up. Still, she couldn't bring herself to wake him up from his deep slumber; he looked too worn, too tired, too much in need of sleep.

'Mum?' Del looked down at Remus in surprise, finding him looking up at her with his lovely amber eyes and mournful smile. 'You don't look too well.'

Del laughed, tucking his hair behind his ear. 'Neither do you.' Remus blinked sleepily, and Del noticed that he was purposefully avoiding her eyes. 'Baby, I'm not upset with you for what happened, I swear.'

Remus bit his lip, reaching out for her hand and encasing it between hers. 'I don't want you to think that I've come here only when I found it convenient to. I've thought about it a lot, all the time, mum, but-'

'I understand,' Del replied softly. 'You don't have to justify yourself to me, love. I still don't like it, but it's what you chose to do and what your father would have done.'

Remus swallowed, nodding. He closed his eyes again, feigning sleepiness, and settled back into his pillow.

'I talked to Lily,' Del said, breaking the silence and making Remus's breath hitch. 'She told me what happened, or the little she knew of it anyway.'

Remus nodded, eyes still closed. 'It's nothing.'

Del raised an eyebrow. 'It's nothing,' she repeated, finding very hard to believe him after he'd spent the night crying himself to sleep.

Remus shrugged. 'Things weren't working out between us. It was going to happen sooner than later. I was expecting it.'

He was lying, Del could tell. He was lying to himself and her. Remus was too attached to Sirius to ever dream of separating. He might not have been lying about things falling apart between them, but he had definitely not expected Sirius to let go of him that easily. She'd seen them together and mostly, she'd seen Remus when they were together.

Normally, with her patients, Del would have advised talking it out but this washer son. This was her son and not someone to treat, but someone to heal. She embraced him slowly, hesitantly, knowing he didn't want to be held but following her maternal instincts regardless. Remus was stiff in her arms, uncomfortable with how vulnerable he was so she held him tighter.

Del kissed his forehead as he pulled away. 'Come down, sweetheart, I'll make you some tea.'

xxx

'There will be no New Year celebrations for the Order this year,' Moody growled, pacing back and forth. His wooden leg clunked noisily against the marble floor. 'We'll receive our respective missions shortly from Dumbledore and we need to carry them out with absolute, bloody perfection.'

'I've never seen Moody this serious,' James whispered to Lily, before snapping back to attention when Mad-Eye banged his fist against the table.

'There are muggles loose all over the city, celebrating and partying, completely oblivious and a perfect target for Voldemort and his Death Eaters.'

James looked at Sirius, then at Remus, both sitting on completely opposite sides. Neither of them had looked at each other since the beginning of the Order meeting and the tension between them was thick enough to slice with a knife. James didn't understand why Sirius was being so irrational and adamant about Remus being a Death Eater.

Remus, as Lily had once said, oozed goodness and innocence, but most people failed to see it. Unfortunately, James knew Sirius wasn't the only one who thought of Remus this way; there was Peter of course, who had initiated the very idea into Sirius's mind, and a couple of other Order members like McKinnon. Only because he was different; it was so unfair.

'We will all be separating into groups and spreading out across the city. Dumbledore and I have shortlisted any plausible areas that might be a hotspot for these muggles. You'll be assigned a location later tonight. Till then, every member of the Order is to remain here. You cannot so much as go upstairs to use the loo, am I clear?'

Remus didn't look too bad, considering what had happened. He definitely didn't look as broken as Sirius, with dark rings of anger and resentment in his eyes, a constant frown on his face, and an overall unkempt appearance. He definitely didn't look distraught enough to have collapsed into his own sick or spent the rest of the night with an oath of silence like Sirius had. Then again, everyone had their way of coping, and while Remus had always been good at hiding himself, Sirius tended to be more dramatic and less in control.

'I can't stay here!' Peter whispered more to himself than anyone else, but both James and Lily caught it nonetheless. Peter saw Lily frowning at him and smiled weakly. 'Patricia's waiting for me at the restaurant,' Peter explained, 'we were supposed to have dinner together.'

Lily nodded sympathetically, but James thought Peter was being a royal coward. He shifted his attention back to his best friends and realised that he wasn't the only one staring at the two of them. Lily, Elphias and Peter were all looking at them just as intently; Lily with eyes full of sympathy,

Peter with something akin to guilt, and Elphias simply looked thoughtful.

'Each group should contain no less than three people. Choose carefully and according to all your strengths and weaknesses. Stick together throughout the process. I do not want anyone getting hurt tonight.'

'I'm choosing Remus,' Lily said immediately to the three of them, once Moody had finished his speech. 'He's the best dueler I know, and I'd feel safest with him.' She had a challenging tone to her voice, and James noticed that she'd reached out to hold Remus's hand between her own.

James looked at Sirius, who was glaring at Lily furiously. The two of them had been in a spat since Sirius had broken up with Remus; neither of them seemed to want to step down.

Remus looked between them nervously. 'Lily, you don't have to do this. I don't need-'

'I choose Remus, too,' James interrupted, moving to Remus's side. Sirius looked murderous, but James didn't waver. 'Because the Marauders always come first, no matter what happens.'

Sirius's jaw quivered with anger and betrayal. He looked towards Peter, who seemed to be more worried with other things and not paying attention. 'Fine,' he spat, 'but I'm on patrol. I can't trust either of you to not get us killed.'

It took another hour of waiting until each group was finally assigned their missions. Theirs was the largest group, consisting of James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and a very reluctant Peter who had, for some reason, desperately wanted to be on Dorcas Meadows team, but had been dragged back by James's persistence and Lily's stern glare.

'Prongs,' Remus whispered once they were walking to safer apparition grounds. 'I don't think I should be here. Sirius doesn't want me here.'

'Tough,' James growled, 'because I do, and he has to learn that. We were mates first, Moony, and I'm not letting some ridiculous lover's spat between you and Sirius ruin our friendship.'

Remus clutched at James's arm tightly. 'Prongs, it's not working. Look, I don't know what I've done, but Sirius hates me.'

James sighed. 'He doesn't hate you, Moony. He's just...' Being a git. 'Look, why don't you just talk to him, yeah? Tell him that friends always come first.' He pushed Remus forwards where Sirius was walking alone. 'Go.'

Remus looked back at James one last time before catching up with Sirius. James sped up slightly, making sure he was close enough to overhear their conversation. Lily, who had been walking a few steps behind him with Peter, looked at him questioningly. James just shook his head, signaling them to be quiet.

'Look, Sirius,' Remus started and James saw Sirius's head turn ever so slightly to acknowledge him. 'I know you don't think much of me right now, and we're not-' Remus swallowed. 'I just...I still think of you as my best mate.'

Remus looked down at his feet and for a long time, Sirius said nothing. He simply stared at Remus as they walked, and James could practically see the wheels in his head turning; wondering whether this was some kind of trick or if Remus meant it. Wondering if he'd been wrong this whole time, and Remus had never been the spy; wondering if he still loved Remus as much even after everything. James knew Sirius too well.

Sirius smiled after a while, and James got an odd feeling about that smile. It was trying to hide something he couldn't read and it made him incredibly uneasy. 'Prongs was right,' he said quietly, making Remus look up at him with wide hopeful eyes. 'Marauders always come first.'

The five of them apparated; and when Remus nearly fell over from Peter appearing too close to him, Sirius was the first one to catch him. Later, Peter had spluttered apologies again and again, nervous as ever. Sirius had retracted his hand from Remus's as if burnt and muttered a, 'be more careful'before looking away.

Still, as James and Lily looked at each other, they shared a flicker of hope.

chapter 26

January, 1981...

Elphias didn't believe in miracles; he believed in fate. He believed that everything in this world happened for a reason and nothing came out of coincidence. Which is why, when Remus had come to his rescue on a cold January night when he was being beaten within an inch of his life, he thanked whoever it was up there who wrote their fates because no one could ask for a better saviour.

'Remy!' Elphias cried, receiving another punch in the stomach for his struggles. Two of the muggle boys were pinning him against Queen's walls, while the other took the pleasure of hitting him wherever possible. 'Remy!'

'Shut up, you little bastard!' The hold on one of his hands tightened so painfully Elphias was sure his circulation had been cut off. He struggled, but it was ridiculous to do so. The boys outnumbered him; to add on to his misery, while Elphias was a top notch dueler, he had no physical strength so to speak. The streets he'd lived in all his life were chiefly magical and hardly anyone ever resorted to fist fights.

Elphias didn't understand what he'd done to these boys to deserve this; they seemed to be angered just by his presence. They'd caught him by surprise when exiting from the club, bashing him against the wall and causing his wand to fall out of his back pocket before he could reach for it. It lay now, not too far from their feet, in danger of being stomped into pieces.

'Elf, is that you? Elphias?' Remus called out, and Elphias knew that the boys had backed him so far into the alley that it was hard for anyone to see anything from outside. 'Oi! Leave him alone!'

The boys took their attention off of Elphias momentarily as Remus's footsteps grew louder and more hurried. His wand was lit to a minimum, making part of his face fall into shadow while the rest glowed eerily. He looked beautiful and somehow incredibly dangerous, at the same time, the hard angles of his face looking sharp and fierce.

'What do you think you're doing?' Remus asked, arms crossed calmly, but eyes glowing brightly in the dark.

'Back off, mate,' one of the boys warned, 'this isn't any of your business!'

Remus advanced closer, and Elphias noticed with confusion that he was slowly dimming his wand. He must have realised they were muggles, because he was discretely pocketing his wand into his jacket, hand still firmly holding it. 'Look, let him go, and no one gets hurt.'

The boys laughed. 'You hear that, Ben? Jesus, I'm scared now!' One of them cried mockingly. 'We got ourselves a two man army here: some scrawny bastard and his little shirt lifting dwarf!'

Elphias looked at Remus desperately through his swollen, beaten eyes, and Remus nodded at him in acknowledgement but said nothing. He was as infuriatingly calm as ever, moving closer to the small gang of boys tactfully as they laughed amongst themselves.

'The fairy boy's mine though,' the one called Ben said once their laughter had reduced to chuckles. He brought his face uncomfortably close to Elphias's and Elf had to turn away from the putrid stench of alcohol. 'He likes it up his arse, doesn't he, the little cocksucker.'

It was when a hand slid down the front of his trousers that Elphias couldn't control his tears of helplessness any longer and let them fall. It didn't last long, however, because he heard an enraged yell from the other side and promptly felt himself crumple to the dirty ground. The hands on him had left, and Elphias, through the darkness and his puffy eyes, could barely make out Remus's shadow fighting all three of them in a fashion that Elphias could only describe as superhuman. He wondered if this was the display of werewolf strength that people often talked about. What was most terrifying about Remus right then was that he seemed to be enjoying it; as if he'd been waiting to channel his frustration through someone else and was glad for the opportunity to do just that.

Elphias closed his eyes, waiting for everything to be over. A large lump had lodged itself in his throat, and he found himself fighting back tears yet again. He hated it; hated crying like a little child; and as he heard the grunts of pain that came from the fist fight before him, he was glad Remus had decided to forgoe his wand and his sanity. For the first time in his life, Elphias wished those boys would die, that Remus would kill them.

'Are you okay?' Remus's voiced asked from above him. He'd lit his wand again, but Elphias's eyes had swollen so badly, he could hardly make out Remus's face beyond a blur. 'Elf?'

'I'm fine!' Elphias snapped when Remus touched his shoulder. He got up on his feet unsteadily, ignoring the pain that shot up his chest and stomach. 'You don' need to 'elp me with every thin'!'

'Elf-'

'Where's me wand?'

Remus held up what remained of his wand: bits of wood and unicorn hair frayed and barely hanging together.

'Fuck, me wand!' Elphias cried, cursing his voice for breaking like a little child. He swiped at his eyes, feeling ashamed and more vulnerable than he was comfortable with.

'Elphias, it's okay,' Remus tried, but Elphias shrugged himself off angrily.

'No, it's not okay! Tha' wand was me dad's! It was untraceable! I can' get one like tha' in fuckin' London!' Elphias rubbed his face furiously, aggravating the bruises there. 'Fuck, I hate this city!'

'Elphias, hey,' Remus held him by the shoulders gently. 'Hey, it's okay. They're gone. Come on,' he pulled Elphias by the arm slightly, moving him towards the open streets and away from the dark alley. 'Look, I can heal most of your wounds with my wand, and I'll take you home after that. Where do you live?'

Elphias shrugged, feeling tired, and sore, and angry, so angry. 'No place. I lost me job at Mrs. Richards, so I stay on the streets some days and oth'r days at Marlene's.'

'Merlin,' Remus exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. 'What did you do? Shag her daughter?' Elphias couldn't help but let out a weak laugh as he shook his head. 'Her son.'

'We'll take you to my place then, come on,' Remus offered kindly, pulling Elphias by the arm. 'You're not too hurt, are you? Because it takes a while to disable the wards.'

Elphias shook his head, moving closer to Remus on instinct as he was apparated side-long. He didn't realise until much later, but he was still clutching on to Remus long after they'd apparated and Remus had pulled down the safety wards on the cottage. Remus, for his part, didn't complain about Elphias's more than usual need for affection, but simply kept a hand upon his head for comfort.

'My aunt comes over quite often, so the guest bedroom should be nice and clean. Ignore anything frilly that you might find. She has a strange fascination for things like that,' Remus said idly, as they entered the house.

It was a nice place, Elphias thought, as Remus made him sit on the couch and started on his injuries. Very homely; with a lot of muggle photos hung on the wall, comfortable sofas and a television, a nice wood–brown theme to the entire living room, and tasteful decorations to complement it. Everything was neatly kept and cleaned to a point where you could see your reflection on the most opaque of things. Elphias had never had an actual home of his own, but thought if he did, he wouldn't mind having one like Remus's.

'They your cousins?' Elphias asked, once his vision was clear again. He pointed towards a nearby picture of Remus, another woman, and a child no older than two held between them.

Remus frowned, looked at the picture, and then laughed. 'No, that's me with my parents. You'll meet my mother tomorrow during breakfast probably.'

'Blimey! You look just like your ol' man! I thought 'e was you!' Elphias cried, surprised and intrigued, as he leaned closer to the picture. 'But 'is eyes are blue, innit? And you was blond as a pup, too!'

Remus fingered his long, brown hair consciously. 'They got darker as I grew,' he explained, rolling up Elphias's sleeve and healing the myriad of bruises there. 'My hair turned completely brown by the time I was six or so. It got my mum very upset; she was hoping I'd look like her at least a little.'

'You look sexier as a brunette,' Elphias said as a matter of factly and loved the way Remus's cheeks tinged pink. He took off his shirt as Remus began healing his chest and stomach, a large portion of which had turned a disgusting shade of purple-black. Elphias flinched at the sight of them, but Remus seemed immune, working on them like a professional.

Elphias turned away to continue looking at the pictures that lined the walls. There was one of Remus's friends and him – Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter. They looked good together; happy, but then again, that's what Elphias had always thought about Sirius and Remus.

The first time he'd seen Sirius, Elphias's first impression had been that of a rock star. Sirius had those qualities – the sleek, black hair, smoky and sensuous grey eyes framed with eyelashes so dark they made his eyes look like they'd been lined with kohl. He had that leather jacket and that wicked, wicked motorbike which could even fly. Not to mention, Sirius Black also had the most perfectly angular features that Elphias had seen put together on a man.

The first time he'd seen Remus, Elphias had wanted to fuck him; nothing less, nothing more. He'd

already known by then who he was and what he was, and there was nothing more thrilling to Elphias than bedding a werewolf. It helped that Remus had the most radiant smile and kindest eyes to complement it. It made Remus incredibly desirable and Elphias incredibly hard.

The first time Elphias had seen Remus and Sirius together, he knew. He knew mostly because he'd seen them at Queen's once, but passed them off as just another random couple. That memory resurfaced, however, when he'd seen them again in the Order, and he knew that this was more than just a 'desire' thing. There was love amongst the two of them; love that Elphias always thought would last them forever, until today...

'Remy?'

'Yes, Elf?' Remus asked, exasperated with the nickname.

'Would it be rude to ask what 'appened between you an' Mr. Black?' The minute Elphias asked the question, he knew he'd stepped over the line. Remus's body went completely rigid and his face paled. 'I'm sorry,' Elphias said quickly, hating to be the one to upset Remus. 'You're helpin' me out, and all I'm doing is makin' you upset. I shouldn' have-'

'It's all right, Elf,' Remus interrupted, giving him a tight lipped smile. 'Sirius and I weren't getting along too well, so he decided this was the best way.'

Elphias noticed that Remus had said 'he' instead of 'we', but didn't question it. 'Are you upset wit' 'im 'cause of it?'

Remus shook his head, looking slightly miserable and handing back Elphias's t-shirt. 'Sometimes relationships don't work out, Elf. It's nothing uncommon, and we weren't any different.' He stood up, tucking his wand into the seat of his trousers. 'Come on, I'll show you to the guest room. You can stay here until you get a proper job, but don't expect to get away with slacking around, yeah?'

Elphias grabbed Remus's hand, unnecessarily using it as leverage to pick himself off the sofa. 'I'm good at 'ousework. Can wash dishes, an' cook, an' even clean.'

'It will do.'

Elphias grinned and then shifted his feet uneasily. 'Remy, 'bout earlier-'

Remus smiled. 'You're welcome, Elf, but it would be really great if you could let go of my hand now.'

xxx

Harry's yells interrupted their conversation and Lily got up, groaning. 'Well, that's the end of nap time.'

Remus caught her by the arm and smiled. 'It's okay. You sit down, I'll get Harry.'

'You're a sweetheart,' Lily said, beaming. 'I'll go prepare his food while you bring him down, yeah?'

Remus nodded, glancing back slightly at Sirius, James, and Peter before making his way up the stairs to Harry's bedroom (that was no longer pink, thank the heavens). Lily watched him for a while before shooting a warning glare at Sirius and leaving for the kitchen. She had a feeling Sirius would follow Remus, being the suspicious git that he was, and was relieved when James placed a

calm but restraining hand on the man's arm.

Lily smiled to herself, for that one moment, loving and respecting her husband, as she pulled out a jar of Big Feasts for Little Wizards from the upper cabinets. She sang to herself softly, glancing at the kitchen clock compulsively for no reason.

She didn't know why, but as she prepared Harry's bowl of apple flavoured mush, Lily kept glimpsing at the door to see if Remus had come down yet. An uneasy feeling built up in her stomach when Harry's cries completely stopped, leaving deafening silence and nothing but James and Peter's chit chat to listen to. Lily's grip tightened on the spoon as she willed herself to not move; to not let Sirius and Peter's nonsense get to her.

She spent what felt like hours, unnecessarily stirring Harry's bowl. When there was still no sign of Remus, Lily guiltily went up the stairs, not quite running but her feet moving too fast and frantic to be called walking. Her heart pounding, she stopped at Harry's open door only to find Remus kneeling in front of Harry on the floor. His face was hidden behind his hands, and Harry was watching him with wide eyes, cheeks still tear tracked from all the crying.

'BOO!' Remus cried, and Harry burst into peals of childish laughter, nearly falling over as Remus caught him gently by the wrists.

'Didn't know you played peek-a-boo,' Lily said, feeling sick for having ever thought that Remus could be...

'Me neither,' Remus replied, grinning and picking Harry up. 'Sorry I got you worried.'

Lily shook her head a little too hard, cursing herself again and again. 'I wasn't worried,' she lied, trying to fake a smile. 'I thought I might talk to you while we feed the brat.'

'Do you hear that, Harry?' Remus asked Harry in an exaggerated voice. 'Your mum calls you a brat.'

'Ma!' Harry squealed, giggling, apparently unperturbed at being called a brat.

'He can say 'ma'!' Remus exclaimed, rewarding Harry by flinging him high into the air and catching him again.

'That's not the only thing he can say,' Lily snorted, sitting down on the floor and beckoning Remus to do the same, so that she could feed Harry. 'He picked up a few things from James, too. Here, I'll show you: Harry, Chudley Cannons!'

'Fuck!' Harry replied, elated and bobbing up and down on Remus's lap. 'Fuck!' Lily took his open mouth as opportunity to shove his food in.

Remus's eyebrows shot up. 'He learned to say 'fuck' before 'daddy'? James must be pissed.'

Harry's joyous cries of 'fuck' were muffled by Lily's insistent feeding. 'Not much. He took Harry to practice the same day the Cannons were there. You can imagine.'

Remus laughed, and Harry laughed along with him, not quite understanding the joke but finding glee in Remus's amusement.

Lily watched him for a while, watched him laugh and play with Harry and found it to be strangely empty. It was as if a large part of Remus was missing, like someone had dulled his contours and colours. He was still the same kind, loving Remus, but Lily found that old glint in his eyes fading

too quickly.

Lily laid a hand on his softly. 'I never asked, but how have you been? After...'

Remus shrugged, still smiling. 'We're still friends.' He used the bottom of Harry's shirt to wipe the food dribbling down the child's chin. 'That's what matters, right?'

Lily tried to smile back but found it hard to. She tried busying herself with Harry, unnecessarily fussing over him like most mothers do. She wished their lives were as simple as a child's; wished they didn't have the complication of relationships and the war bearing down on them. Mostly, she wished they could be the family they once were not too long ago.

'My mother's ill,' Remus said, breaking the silence. He didn't catch Lily's eyes as he spoke, keeping his focus solely on Harry who had suddenly quieted as if realising a sombre moment. 'They say there's nothing wrong with her, but she looks terrible, Lily. She's weaker than I remember her being.'

Lily stared at him with a mixture of shock and sympathy. 'How-'

'I should have been there for her,' Remus continued miserably, cutting her off. 'I saw this happening

a long time ago, since dad died, and I still abandoned her. God, I was so damn selfish...'

'Remus, you're being too hard on yourself. It's not your fault,' Lily protested, grabbing his shoulder tightly and shaking it. Harry nearly slid off his lap from her shaking, and Remus held him still with a firm hand on his side.

Remus moved her hand away gently. 'It's not my fault, but I could have prevented it. I just get up so caught up with myself that I forget the people who really need me. Sirius was-'

'You think Sirius broke up with you because of this?' Lily asked incredulously, not believing the words that were coming out of Remus's mouth; not believing that Remus was actually considering such things.

'Because of something I did. He was furious that day, Lily, furious at me specifically. I'd never seen him that angry.'

Lily took a sharp intake of breath. 'Remus, Sirius was angry becau-'

'I need him, Lily,' Remus said softly, looking out the glass window with sad, solemn eyes. 'I need Sirius's friendship; I don't care about love anymore. And I need my mother, and I know she needs me. I can't live without them, without any of you...'

Lily's words faltered. She couldn't do it. She couldn't tell Remus about Sirius and his suspicions. It would break him and the illusion that he kept of them being his support crutches. She tried not to look at him in pity because there was nothing Remus despised more. Instead, she reached up, tucking errant strands of his hair behind his ear and letting her love for him show through. Lily wanted Remus to know that no matter what happened or who said what, she'd always be there for him; that she'd never make the same mistake she'd done only a few minutes ago. Remus, didn't discourage her, but didn't respond to her either.

Fuelled by the morose look on Remus's face and the lack of attention, Harry started crying, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. Remus looked down at him, smiling and noticing that there wasn't a single tear on his face. Harry was simply throwing a tantrum, scrunching up his eyes and pouting viciously to get the grownups to look at him and play with him.

Lily got up, wiping all the mush that had spilled over her hands with a baby wipe. 'Come on, the others will be waiting for us downstairs. You can carry Harry if you want; he seems to have taken a fancy for you.'

'It's the peek-a-boo,' Remus explained, and to demonstrate the truth behind his hypothesis, he played with Harry again, receiving a giggly and surprisingly tantrum free baby. Surprising because Harry seemed to have inherited Lily's flaring temper.

The minute they'd all settled down in the living room again, James had dragged Lily a little away from the gang without much of an excuse. 'Did you tell him?' he asked her urgently, an unconsciously strong grip on her arm. 'Did you tell him about Sirius?'

Lily shook her head. 'I couldn't. James, it's too difficult. He's-'

'Damn it, Lily!' James shouted, dismayed. He looked back at the others to see if they'd heard him; luckily, they were all too busy with Harry. 'Sirius is up to something,' James said quietly, almost angrily. 'I don't know what it is, and I know he won't tell me, but I can feel it. He's being too nice to Moony.'

Lily looked back at the three Marauders, specifically Sirius who had transformed into a dog and was romping around Harry with his tounge lolling out. She noticed that Sirius kept close to Remus, sometimes brushing his flank against him and more than once, begging Remus to pet him. She would have attributed it to Sirius's Animagus, but realised that he had been staying quite close to Remus ever since they'd sat down to chat. In fact, Sirius had been friendly, had talked and joked around with all of them quite casually, and made every effort to keep things as less awkward and normal as possible. Lily didn't think it was potentially threatening in any way. Actually, she found it very thoughtful of Sirius to try and still keep their friendship intact.

'You're getting paranoid, James,' Lily said, turning back to him.

'I just...I'm scared Moony will get hurt, Lily,' he said softly, his expression momentarily sorrowful before being pulled together again.

'Then don't tell him,' Lily replied, taking his hand in hers. 'It will kill him, James. He thinks the world of Sirius, and it will kill him if he finds out what Sirius thinks of him.'

'But-'

'We wait,' she explained, 'we wait and we protect him, and we let him have at least a little hope. Maybe Sirius really is trying to restore their friendship. Maybe, in Sirius's mind, he thinks that if he does this, Remus will realise that being a Death Eater isn't worth it and come back to him.'

James looked reluctant to agree. 'Maybe...'

xxx

Sirius entered, uninvited, when he found the door to the Lupin cottage unlocked and the wards disabled. The living room was empty and not believing his luck, he began to search. He wasn't sure what he was looking for; a white mask maybe; anything that could serve as proof to Remus being a Death Eater. He looked underneath sofa cushions, pulled open the cabinet in the hallway, searched in drawers, making sure nothing fell out of place and keeping a sharp eye towards anything that might be suspicious or have a security spell.

Remus's room. Of course! Sirius cursed himself for wasting so much time in the living room when

Remus's room upstairs should have been the target all along. Remus kept everything important in his room, specifically, in the third drawer in his cupboard, locked and secured from most kinds of magic. Remus had told Sirius and the others about it a long time ago, Sirius couldn't quite remember. All he knew was that it was important and no one had been allowed to see it to date.

He made a move to go upstairs to check, when he heard the chink of plates noisily clattering against each other and a few well chosen curse words from the kitchen. Sirius quickly moved away from the stairs, hoping he didn't look too suspicious. He wondered if Remus knew he was in the house and against his better judgment, decided to postpone the search and join Remus. It had been a while since Sirius had seen him anyway and sometimes, Sirius miss-

Sirius found Remus in the kitchen, washing dishes. He remembered how much Remus hated it when they lived together, always making Sirius help him out to get the work done faster. Back then, they would put on the latest records or turn the TV on very loud as they sung to the music blaring across the room. It was a long time ago. Now, Remus seemed quiet, almost lost in his task. For just a nanosecond after Sirius entered though, Remus stopped as if contemplating something, but then simply reached out for more dish soap and resumed back to his work.

Sirius stood there, expecting the werewolf to turn and tell Sirius how he knew he was coming; how Remus had felt him the minute he'd apparated. He should have known better than to expect it; Remus had been doing it less frequently since...he couldn't remember anymore. It was as if Sirius was slowly being erased out of Remus's life and heart.

Not that Sirius cared. He repeated this to himself until he was nearly convinced and tapped Remus on the shoulder.

Remus whipped around, startled. 'Oh, Sirius! You scared me!' He wiped his wet hands on his trousers, leaving long fingerprints to darken the light material. 'What brings you here?'

Sirius shrugged, smiling. 'Can't I come to visit my friend anymore?'

Remus beamed, his amber eyes shining. The same amber eyes that still haunted Sirius's dreams at nights, and left him sometimes feeling sick and other times feeling sticky, and wet, and sick. 'Of course! Why don't you sit down, and I'll make you some tea.'

'No tea, Remus,' Sirius declined, pulling up a chair. 'Maybe a beer or something.' Sirius tried not to hesitate too much when Remus passed by him to the fridge. 'Do you know your wards are down?' The casual way that Remus said 'yes' made Sirius feel distinctly uneasy. Of course, if Remus was a Death Eater, safety was hardly an issue. The wards would be useless.

'I've been researching and experimenting a bit; I was planning to cast new ones just before you came.'

With his back turned, Sirius couldn't tell if Remus was lying or not. 'Where's your mum?' he asked, trying to divert himself with tablecloth patterns and not how Remus smelled like dishwashing soap.

'She took Elf out for a drive and to pick up groceries,' Remus replied. Sirius could hear him rummaging the contents of the fridge distractedly.

Sirius stiffened. 'Elphias? He's still here? It's been almost a month now, hasn't it? He hasn't found a job yet?'

Remus shrugged. 'He has, but it's not enough to pay London rents. He's saving for a place, though, that's what he says anyway.' He brought out two bottles of butterbeer, flipping the caps open with

his wand. 'I don't mind much. He's good cook and he keeps mum company. She tires faster when she's alone.'

Sirius suddenly found it very hard to swallow his beer. 'He's still the same, I take?' Sirius asked, remembering Elphias and his outrageous and promiscuous ways.

Remus chuckled. 'Obnoxious as ever.' 'I see.'

'How's your work then?' Remus inquired before gulping down the remains of his butterbeer. 'Any progress with the Death Eater search?'

Sirius wondered if it really was a purely casual question. 'It's fine,' he replied, shrugging and tilting the bottle to his mouth. 'It's hard work, but it's doing something.'

'Moody still has you guys on module missions?'

Sirius felt Remus was being unusually intrusive regarding his job and stuttered for a while, not sure what would be the right thing to say without revealing anything.

'Sirius?'

It was becoming slowly impossible for Sirius's mind to talk to Remus without getting paranoid or suspicious. He didn't know if there were any underlying meanings behind Remus's words; didn't know why everything Remus said was starting to sound awry and wrong. Was it Sirius's paranoia acting up or Remus trying to pry information out of him?

So, Sirius decided the best way to avoid answering was to leave before he said something important. 'Look, I promised James I'd stop by to watch the team practice for the finals,' he lied, getting up and not catching Remus's eyes. 'I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, but I'll see you around, yeah?'

'Perhaps,' Remus conceded, walking Sirius to the front door. 'I might not make it to the next Order meeting...'

Sirius stopped just outside the door, his brows rising in question. 'No?'

Remus shook his head, leaning against the door frame. 'Full moon falls the day before.'

Sirius suddenly found it hard to take his eyes off the ground. He stared at his shoes for a while, wondering if they needed a polish, and if he was to offer to accompany Remus as Padfoot. 'Are the others coming?'

'I asked them not to. The garage is sealed tight and I put an additional thin coat of aconite on the door. It should keep me inside.'

Sirius felt his heart seize and unconsciously, his hand came up to brush against Remus, his fingers softly tracing the protruding veins on Remus's hand. He didn't realise what he was doing until he saw Remus's eyes widen in surprise, and Sirius immediately took his hand away, looking fixedly sideways. 'Goodbye, Remus,' he said softly, feeling his heart pound painfully, unwanted, too loud, and too fast.

'Sirius, wait!' Remus called, grabbing Sirius by the wrist to stop him. Sirius was sure his chest was going to explode at the contact. Remus bit his lip, his grip on Sirius hesitating but not loosening.

'Look, I know that I fucked things up a lot for us. I-I did everything wrong, and I know you're still...I just-'

Sirius wondered if Remus was going to apologise or maybe admit to something. He wondered if Remus was ever going to let go of his hand, because the sick feeling in his stomach was growing and his defences were falling. It was like a replay of the exact same feelings he'd had when he'd been on the verge of leaving Grimmauld Place; compassion towards people who needed none and hatred towards himself for feeling it.

'Maybe later,' Remus continued, having grasped a continuous stream of thought. 'Maybe, we could be the way we were...together?'

Sirius wasn't sure whether to laugh or to scream, but judging the colour draining from Remus's face, he must have done the former. 'I don't think, Remus,' Sirius said slowly, prying his hand away from Remus's grip, 'that there is anything left to salvage from our relationship.' He looked away to stop his insides from screaming, and twisting, and pleading. 'Good day.'

xxx

'So Elphias, you never told me what brought you to London to war in the first place?' Delilah Lupin said as they walked out of the muggle supermarket, arms full of groceries.

Elphias liked living in Remus's house. It was homely, and Mrs. Lupin was the sweetest and most intelligent woman he'd ever met, even though she tended to get lost in her head often. The Lupin cottage was in a muggle suburban area, so there was very little magic going around and one always had to be careful with one's wand. Still, it was quiet, peaceful, and friendly much like Elphias's own home back in Stepney. It was better than London anyway.

'Dumbledore asked me if I wan'ed to figh',' Elphias answered, helping Mrs. Lupin stash the groceries into the trunk. 'I said I 'ad nothin' better to do, so I migh' as well.'

Mrs. Lupin laughed. 'So, this isn't a favour to him then?'

''S a mighty big favour if it is. Why'd you ask?'

She shrugged, moving into the front seat. 'Dumbledore knows his chess. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a wonderful man, but most of the people in the Order join because he's done something for them, and they feel indebted.'

Elphias raised an eyebrow as he tugged at his seatbelt. 'Is tha' why you think Remy's fightin'?' Mrs. Lupin smiled sadly. 'I used to. Now, I'm not so sure.'

'How'd you mean?'

Mrs. Lupin played with the ignition for a while before starting to back out of the parking lot. 'Do you know that the day after Remus came into the house, he started taking charge of things? He fixed the roof, repainted the house, changed the plumbing, cleaned all the rooms, and redid the garage; without magic, mind you. And he also does chores for the neighbours on the days he's not busy with something Dumbledore's asked him to do.'

Elphias scratched his head, confused. 'I don' get it.'

Mrs. Lupin sighed heavily. 'As a child, there was nothing Remus hated more than doing his chores.

Getting him to just do his bed involved a wrestling match and a four hour punishment. Do you see?'

Elphias scrunched up his face in thought. Either he was increasingly stupid, or Mrs. Lupin was talking in cryptic. 'E's learnt his lesson after nineteen years?'

Mrs. Lupin rolled her eyes. 'What I'm trying to show you is that Remus is overworking himself on purpose. He does these missions and all these chores not because he wants to, but because he feels he needs to.'

Elphias was now as confused as ever. Remus had mentioned that his mother was a muggle healer of sorts; perhaps that's why what she was saying sounded so complicated and foreign to him? 'Why would 'e do somethin' like tha'?'

Mrs. Lupin shrugged, taking a right turn that brought them in plain view of the Lupin cottage. 'John, Remus's dad used to do it sometimes; to tire himself out; to stop thinking; to forget...'

'Abou' Mr. Black, you mean?' Elphias asked, finally catching on. What Mrs. Lupin was telling him made more sense now that he'd thought about it. Remus did seem to work himself to death lately, and Elphias could often hear him switching off the lights and turning to bed at odd hours of the night. In fact, Elphias didn't remember the last time Remus had even spent time talking to either of them.

'I don't have the heart to blame Sirius,' Mrs. Lupin replied wearily. 'He's a nice boy with a good heart, and things like this happen all the time in every relationship.'

She absent mindedly parked the car on the street, a few blocks away from the house, and Elphias wondered if he should point it out. He figured it was best not to interrupt Mrs. Lupin's conversation and would remind Remus later to move it to the garage.

'I'm his mother though, you see,' Mrs. Lupin said, smiling as she unlocked the trunk. 'I can't help but take sides.'

Elphias didn't have anything to say to that, so he kept quiet, making sure that Mrs. Lupin locked the car doors properly and that all the grocery bags had been taken out. As they walked, both he and Delilah Lupin seemed to be lost in their own thoughts until Elphias spotted Remus crouched behind the fence, mouthing silently to himself through a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth.

'What in God;s name is Remus doing?' Delilah asked, having noticed as well.

''E looks rather constipated. D'you think tha's the problem?' Elphias asked as he smiled cheerfully and walked in. 'Hey, Remy!'

Remus's head whipped around in surprise to look at them, and his nose started bleeding almost immediately. Elphias hurried towards him. 'Shite, you o'right?'

Remus tilted his head upwards, swatting Elphias's concerned hands away. 'I'm fine. Just broke my concentration.' Elphias noted that he was sweating profusely as well, given that it was February.

Mrs. Lupin caught up with the two of them not long after, handkerchief out and ready to mop Remus's nose. 'Remus John Lupin, put that cigarette out this minute! You know how much I hate them,' she said sternly, standing on her tip toes and only being able to reach high enough to wipe his chin.

Remus let the cigarette in his mouth drop, and Elphias stubbed it out for him with his shoe. 'It's okay, mum. It's stopped,' he insisted as she continued to fuss over him. He brought his head back down again and used her handkerchief to wipe his nose. 'I'm fine. How was your trip?' Remus asked, taking the grocery bags from his mother.

'It was brilliant!' Elphias replied enthusiastically as they walked into the house. 'I's ne'er been in a car before, and Mrs. Lupin's a great driver! And there was these really lovely ladies in the market who offered to 'elp us find all our thin's and gave us free samples...'

'The store manager asked me to keep a leash on my son,' Mrs. Lupin supplied, making Elphias grin cheekily and Remus roll his eyes in exasperation. 'I've lived in this town for over fourteen years and those store girls have never so much as looked at me.'

'Merlin, is there anyone you haven't flirted with, Elf?' Remus asked, chuckling in amusement as he put the carrier bags on the kitchen counter. 'Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't started on mum yet.'

'I haven'?' Elphias cried in mock outrage. He slid to his knees, taking Mrs. Lupin's hand and kissing it. 'Delilah, me love...'

Remus whacked him on the head, but Mrs. Lupin laughed in the sort of way that told Elphias that she found him endearing. 'Get up and make lunch, you sod. Mum, you look tired. Why don't you take a nap, and I'll wake you later, okay?' Remus's tone quickly shifted from amusement to concern as he looked at Mrs. Lupin. Elphias hadn't seen it before, but Remus's eyes were very red, as if he hadn't slept for years or had spent the last hour crying.

Mrs. Lupin yawned lightly and nodded, giving Elphias a loving pat on the head and walking out of the kitchen with Remus.

'I like that boy,' Elphias heard Mrs. Lupin say as the door swung shut and felt his heart swell. 'You should date him.'

'Mum!'

Elphias chuckled and leaned closer to the door to hear better. He knew he was supposed to get started on preparing lunch, but he was a curious boy by nature and even more so when he was involved in someone else's conversation. He didn't care much about manners against eavesdropping. His father never thought him any and he wanted to hear Remus's reply.

'I'm not dating Elf!'

Elphias pouted, a little disgruntled at being rejected so brashly. He found that he wouldn't mind dating Remus too much. Remus was kind, sweet, bloody sexy, and Elphias liked to make him smile because Remus didn't do it much ever since he'd broken up with Sirius.

Elphias heard Mrs. Lupin huff. 'You're not dating Elphias, I know. That's why I said you should. He's such a sweetheart, and he helps around the house. God knows you need it.'

'I don't need any help; I'm fine.'

'Remus, it would be good for you to just let go once in a while. I know that after Sirius you're-'

'Please don't psychoanalyse me, mum,' Remus's voice sounded tight, as if barely controlling his emotions, 'you know I hate it. Sirius and I-'

Elphias found it hard to make out the rest of the conversation as Remus and Mrs. Lupin got too far away from the door. By the time Remus finally came back, Elphias had already had the stew on boil and was meticulously cleaning the countertop.

'You migh' hafta move the car later. She parked it wrong,' Elphias said casually, scrubbing at a particularly nasty and unidentifiable spot.

Remus sighed heavily and nodded, flopping down into one of the chairs. Elphias sat down beside him carefully, trying to look at Remus's face that hid behind his hands. Elphias brought his chair closer so that his shoulder touched Remus's as a sign of comfort.

'I found a wand for you, Elf,' Remus said from between his fingers. 'I talked to Aunt Nash, and she found this old lady's wand. The woman's dead, so it's no longer registered and it's a close match to your old one.'

'Really?' Elphias asked surprised. He hadn't really expected Remus to find one for him so soon. In fact, he'd been planning to floo one of his friends to get one. 'I...wow! Ta, Remy.'

'Hm, but the wand's not for free,' Remus continued.

'Oh, I-I have money to-'

'I want you to live here, Elf,' Remus cut off, looking up. Elphias found himself, for the first time in his entire life, speechless. 'I'll be taking up missions again soon, ones where I'll have to travel, and I need you to take care of my mother. She likes you, and you seem to be doing it anyway, even though you don't know it.' Remus smiled, resting his chin on his hand. 'What do you say?'

Elphias's face slowly split into a wide grin. 'Hell yeah!' he cried, kissing Remus on the cheek sloppily, before dashing up the stairs to tell Mrs. Lupin the good news.

xxx

Sirius kept his eyes tightly shut as he pounded into the foreign body held tight up against the lavatory wall of Queen's, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and tasting bitter against his lips.

It was easy to forget Remus here; forget everything within the dizzying haze of alcohol, and smoke, and sex. Sirius tried to lose himself in this unknown face, this unknown body; he tried to tell himself that it didn't matter if Remus was Sirius's first and the only one he'd ever slept with; that it didn't matter if Sirius still had feelings for him; that it didn't matter that the act itself made Sirius sick to the stomach.

It didn't matter anymore because he wasn't cheating on Remus.

It was over between the two of them, and Sirius could damn well fuck whoever he wanted to.

It had been so easy. So easy to just say yes when another man had slid into the seat beside Sirius and offered to buy him drinks. It had been even easier to give in to the hand settled on his arse and another roaming up his shirt, as they danced together, too close and too fluid.

Sirius was sure there had been a name mentioned in between, but he didn't really care as he pushed the bloke into the nearest cubicle and proceeded to get what he needed. He hadn't bothered to take off any clothes more than necessary, didn't need to because there was nothing desirable about the man and everything fuckable about him.

There were sharp nails dragging painfully down Sirius's back, teeth biting down hard into his shoulder, legs squeezing hard enough to crack ribs; and Sirius was reminded again how different it was with Remus. How it had always been about each other; even back when they were fighting, sex had been used for apologies and feelings that were too deep and complex to be expressed in words. Sex between them had never been a tool.

'Fuck, you're hot,' the man beneath him cried, his voice throaty and rough and wrong, so Sirius put a hand over his mouth, growling 'shut up' as he continued to thrust into him, uncaring and unfeeling.

Sirius tried not to compare, tried to forget how Remus felt inside him, around him, against him, over him. He tried to forget how Remus would be passionate and aggressive, but still hold Sirius's hand as they made love; how they would always cling onto each other as they came, lips meeting in frenzy.

Sirius pushed the man further up the wall as he edged upon his orgasm. His head was pounding now, and he forcefully shut the images of honey brown hair and scars across shoulders as he came, spilling into the body beneath him. He tried not to look at the man against him, tried to tell himself that this whole incident had nothing to do with the eyes that lay behind this man's closed eyelids because those eyes might have been almost amber-gold, but weren't.

And even as he told himself this again and again, Sirius had to bite his lips hard enough to draw blood to stop from calling out that one name that kept resonating in his heart.

Sirius hadn't even bothered with the man after that, pushing him away and doing up his trousers and belt. Any attempts to conversation were duly ignored, as Sirius calmly walked out of the lavatory and then the bar. It would have been easier to apparate, Sirius knew, but it didn't stop him from walking. He didn't know how long he walked, hoping the fresh air would cure his upset stomach. It didn't, nor did it wash away the strong smell of cigarettes he had smoked all night. He didn't even like smoking that much, but the smell at that time had been familiar and comforting.

When Sirius finally stopped, it was nearly midnight and he still hadn't reached home. He didn't know if he was even close and his feet were starting to hurt and his calf muscles starting to protest. So he collapsed into a nearby bench, not wanting to look at the cold, damp grass, but not wanting to look up at the bright full moon over him either. It was how he'd ended up closing his eyes and then, finally falling asleep in the middle of the park.

Sirius woke up the next morning when an old, muggle woman sat beside his head to feed the noisy birds.

xxx

Dumbledore looked at Remus contemplatively through his half moon glasses, leaving Remus feeling very uncomfortable in his seat. 'Remus, my boy, are you sure you want to do this?'

'I'm sure,' Remus said, trying hard not to flinch under Dumbledore's piercing gaze. He wished the man would look away from him and stop trying to read into all his secrets. 'I understand that this is the last of the clans, and it doesn't seem right to leave my purpose in this Order incomplete.'

Dumbledore rested his chin on his folded fingers. 'You understand that it will be dangerous, life threatening even?'

Remus looked down at his lap. 'Yes.'

'We've already gotten a substantial following, you realise,' Dumbledore continued, his blue eyes shining mysteriously. 'They don't join us because of their hatred for the Ministry, but the werewolves are fighting back, Remus. They're fighting because they know that if Voldemort wins, he will kill them, too.'

'I need to go, Professor,' Remus said slowly, still not daring to look up at Dumbledore. 'I need to make sure that I've done everything possible for this war. I need to...' He trailed off, unable to find words to express his feelings; to tell Dumbledore in not so many words that he needed this mission to feel as if he was doing something worthwhile; that he did have some sort of value to the people around him.

'I understand,' Dumbledore said kindly, saving Remus the humiliation of having to answer too many questions. 'You'll receive a Gringotts notice after two weeks with the necessary location and money for your trip. Don't rush; if they're expecting you or if they know you're coming by some method or another, it's best that you reach late.'

Remus nodded, getting up. 'Thank you, Professor.'

Dumbledore smiled. 'Sherbet Lemon?' he offered, pushing a jar of yellow sweets towards Remus. When Remus shook his head, Dumbledore sighed heavily. 'Remus, did you know that I've always been somewhat partial to you?' When Remus shrugged, he took it as a sign to explain further. 'You were my first werewolf student, and I had high expectations from you. You've never disappointed me.'

Remus felt the corners of his lips tugging sideways as warmth spread inside him. 'Thank you, sir.'

'So, if it ever comes to a point where something is bothering you, I want you to know that I will always be there to help,' concluded Dumbledore, looking directly at Remus as if he knew something about him that Remus himself was yet to discover. 'How are you, my boy? We talk about so much ever month and yet, we never come to this, do we? How are you?'

'I-I'm fine,' Remus lied, looking sideways and finding Fawkes looking at him curiously through his preening. He doubted if Dumbledore would want to hear much of what he said anyway.

How would he explain about Sirius when it was supposed to be a secret? Remus knew that Dumbledore would never judge him, but would he understand him? Would anyone understand what happened if Remus told them, because Remus sometimes found it hard to comprehend it himself. Things had been so perfect between the two of them, and he still couldn't figure out when things had spiraled towards this, the present, so quickly.

'Are you sure?' Dumbledore asked again, not pressing, but inquiring politely.

Remus's hold on his chair tightened. 'I should go, sir, I have Elphias's wand to pick up.'

Remus had gone as far as the door to Dumbledore's office when the old professor spoke again, this time his voice sounding old, wise, and experienced. He wasn't even speaking directly to Remus; instead, Fawkes had flown to perch on the desk as Dumbledore stroked his head softly. 'Love, Fawkes, can sometimes ruin us,' he said, as if reading Remus's heart and mind, 'but it's also what keeps you going at the end of the day, don't you agree?'

Remus's throat clenched tightly, and he had to close his eyes and look up for a while to force the stinging in his eyes back. 'Yes,' Remus whispered to himself. 'Yes, I do.'

xxx

Elphias knocked the door before entering Remus's bedroom. 'Remy?' he said quietly, checking to see if Remus had fallen asleep. 'Your mum said it was okay to come see you now.'

Remus, who had been lying faced away from the door the whole while, turned to look at Elphias and smiled. 'Come in, Elf. '

Elphias hesitated for a while, wondering if he should, before he pushed down his cowardice and walked in. He didn't sit anywhere however and quickly handed Remus over a chocolate bar that he'd bought from the grocery without truly looking at him. 'How're you doin'?' he asked, shuffling his feet.

Remus raised an eyebrow and unwrapped his chocolate swiftly. 'I should be asking you that. Mum told me you fainted after you saw me.'

Elphias swallowed, fighting down the nauseous feeling that was rising up in his throat as he remembered the sight of Remus in the morning. Mrs. Lupin had unlocked the garage door after Remus's transformation to reveal the most horrific sight Elphias had ever seen. Remus had been lying there, naked and close to unconsciousness, bleeding from so many cuts, deep and shallow, that Elphias had lost count. It was bad on its own, but what had sent Elphias's mind reeling had been the Aconite burns. The wolf must have tried repeatedly to break the door and get out because the entire right side of Remus's body and face had been burnt raw red.

Elphias had taken one look at Remus, gone green, and promptly fallen to the floor. It was embarrassing enough that he had passed out; what made it worse was that Mrs. Lupin hadn't let Elphias anywhere near Remus until she'd done fixing him up. In fact, when Elphias was finally allowed into the room, it was only because there were some wounds that muggle medicine and left-over Mungo's potions couldn't heal.

'Sit down, Elf, I'm not going to break. Come on,' Remus, moving slightly to the side and patting the bed invitingly.

Elphias sat down gingerly, careful not to make the bed bounce too much should it brush against any of Remus's tender wounds. 'I didn' think it would be this 'orrible,' he confessed, reaching for the right side of Remus's face and running his thumb across Remus's cheek. The skin was overly smooth and slightly lighter than the left side. 'I-I panicked, I s'pose.'

Remus smiled kindly. 'It isn't always this bad, you'll see. The wolf was just aggravated this time. It's a new environment and its never like closed spaces.'

'Liar,' Elphias said harsher than he intended. 'You been in closed spaces before an' you never been this bad. I's been watchin' you for days. I ain't stupid; I know this is about Mr. Black.'

Remus sighed heavily, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back on the headboard.

Elphias took the silence as confirmation. 'I could talk to 'im, Remy, I could tell 'im about how you're-'

'No, Elf.'

''E would listen and 'e'd be able to help you. I could go to him right now an'-'

'I said no, Elphias!' Remus interrupted sternly. 'I don't want you badgering him for things I can take care on my own.'

'But 'e can help!' Elphias cried, 'you don' have to get 'urt as much if he-'

'Listen to me, Elphias,' Remus said, suddenly grabbing Elphias by the arms. His voice had gone dangerously low and his eyes sharp and focused. 'He. Doesn't. Care.' Remus was so close that Elphias could smell the chocolate on his breath and the myriad of potions on his skin. 'He doesn't care and it's not his obligation anymore.'

Elphias's lower lip trembled as Remus let go of him. He didn't say anything even though there were hundreds of questions and protests in his mind. He didn't think Sirius was cruel enough to leave Remus on a full moon. They might not be lovers anymore, but that didn't stop them from caring about each other, did it? Remus still loved Sirius, Elphias knew that, so surely, Sirius still had to have some feelings left for Remus, hadn't he?

He heard Remus sigh and shift beside him. 'Come here, Elf.' Elphias shuffled closer to Remus, whose face by now had relaxed into the serenity that Elphias was so familiar with. 'Look, I didn't mean to upset you, okay?' Remus put a hand on top of Elphias's head, ruffling it slightly. 'Here, why don't you finish the rest of my chocolate; it's too big for me anyway.'

Elphias broke off a piece but pushed the rest of the bar back into Remus's hands. He chewed thoughtfully on his chocolate, not really thinking about anything specific, but everything that was important. His silence must have bothered Remus though because after a while, he gave Elphias a gentle nudge with his shoulder.

'How about you tell me one of those amusing stories of yours mum talks so much about, eh?' Remus said, smiling softly. 'It would be a good mood breaker, don't you think?'

Elphias scrunched up his face. 'Did I ever tell you abou' me firs' duel wit' Hazard?'

'I'm guessing that's a name and not your description of the person.' When Elphias looked at him with a confused expression, Remus just shook his head and motioned him to continue.

Elphias grinned, popping the rest of his chocolate into his mouth and in his excitement, starting without swallowing completely. 'Well, this was back when I was only twelve, see? Still a beginner an' all, and me dad – 'e was still alive back then – 'e reckoned it would get a real good crowd if he put me up against one o' the big lads.'

Remus had his chin rested on his hand now, nibbling occasionally, but keeping complete focus on Elphias's tale. It made Elphias slightly giddy to know that he had Remus's attention after so long.

'An' I was scared out o' me shorts! Mind you, I was good back then, too, but I's always been a lil' on the short side and this bloke was taller than you even, and 'e'd been dueling for over ten years!'

'What did you do?' Remus asked, head cocked to the side and mouth slightly open.

'I fough'! Me ol' man forced me to!' Elphias cried, feeling the outrage that he'd felt back then bubble up within him once more. 'An' I was losin', too! 'Alf way through the duel, I finally caught him unawares and sent a stunnin' spell at him. Know what 'appens? It backfires and this big bloke lands righ' on top o' me!'

'Merlin,' Remus said, eye widening. 'Could you breathe?'

''Ardly, an' you know wha' the worst part was, Remy?'

'What?'

Elphias grinned. 'Through me suffocatin', I got the biggest woody on the planet!'

Remus blinked as if registering the information and then promptly burst out laughing. It was a sweet and carefree sound, and Elphias found himself laughing along even though he'd told this particular story at least a million times. As he looked through the corner of his eyes at Remus, Elphias realised that it was the first time he'd seen Remus laugh this loud or at all since he'd come to the Lupin cottage. It felt like a goal had been accomplished, even though he'd never set one in the first place.

'I'm sure he felt it,' Remus said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes and still letting out small chuckles.

''Course 'e did! Got him awkward enough for me to win the duel. Me ol' man was so proud!'

Remus was laughing again, his brown hair falling over his eyes and face in elegant waves. Elphias couldn't help it; he touched it and found it to be impossibly soft and clean. Remus either didn't notice or was too used to Elphias touching him to object as Elphias tucked Remus's hair back behind his ears.

'Let me guess, you slept with him as a part of your celebration, right?' Remus asked, eyes shining and lips quirked with amusement.

'No, sir. 'E's got a lovely wife an' kids,' Elphias defended himself, his arms automatically crossing in front of his chest. 'I migh' be a lot of thin's, but I ain't no home breaker.'

Remus smiled, patting Elphias's cheek affectionately. 'You're a good lad, Elf. Thank you.'

Elphias didn't know what Remus was thanking him for really, but he liked the fact that he could help. He liked it when Remus smiled and laughed; liked the way his cheeks dented so perfectly on both sides and his eyes wrinkled at the corners; he liked the rich sound of laughter reverberating in the room and liked how Remus's hair flew about his face.

Consequently, Elphias found himself telling more stories about his past and life back in Stepney, a lot of it true, but the most amusing ones not. Remus didn't have to know which ones were made up as long as they were believable and they made his amber eyes shine full of mirth. Elphias talked and talked for the next two hours because that was really what he did best (according to most people anyway), until Remus had fallen asleep and Mrs. Lupin had asked Elphias to be a darling and help her make Remus's favourite dish for lunch.

For some reason unbeknownst to Elphias, after they were done cooking, she had kissed him on the cheek and called him a 'lovely boy'. Elphias didn't mind it so much, not after being called 'street rat' most of his life.

And when Lily and James Potter had called by floo to ask how Remus was, Elphias was proudly able to say, 'he was fine, thank you very much'.

chapter 27

March, 1981...

Remus was sitting on the edge of the windowsill as Elphias entered his room without knocking. When Elphias wrapped his arms around Remus's waist and his chin settled on Remus's shoulder, he felt his eyes roll in exasperation, but said nothing because he was too used to Elphias's insistent touches by now to really care. It was in Elphias's nature to touch people he liked and flirt with them every chance he got; it didn't mean anything and was sufficiently harmless.

'You shoudn' be sittin' next to the cold,' Elphias said, leaning his head against the side of Remus's and making Remus's sneeze when blond curls tickled his nose. 'You'll catch your death, and then wha' would I do?'

Remus laughed, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve. 'You would use my death as an excuse to look distraught and sleep with our neighbour.'

Elphias hummed as if actually considering it. 'Your mum told me you 'ad a fever,' he said conversationally, 'is it 'cause of the transformation?'

Remus knocked their heads together. 'Is that the first thing mum told you when you came back from work? She let you eat before that, didn't she?'

Elphias psh-ed and waved it off. 'I like hearin' stuff 'bout you. Yesterday, your mum showed me your little sprog-day pictures. Damn cute you was, too,' he punctuated this with a pull to Remus's cheeks. 'Merlin,' he muttered, putting a hand to Remus's forehead. 'You're hot, an' not in a good way. Mrs. Lupin wasn' jokin'.'

Remus swatted his hands away. 'I'm fine. This is just mum's way of stopping me going for my mission next week. Ignore it.'

'Hard to when you're on fire,' Elphias giggled at his own joke. He tightened his hands on Remus's waist and pulled slightly as if actually attempting to carry Remus off the ledge. 'Maybe you shouldn' go,' he said, giving Remus another experimental pull and a disappointed huff when the werewolf didn't even budge. 'Mrs. Lupin likes it when you're 'ome and you told me this mission is really dangerous.'

Remus shrugged. 'Look, about that. Elphias, I'm going to be leaving some money with you. There should be enough to cover for everything for around two months, but ask mum for the Gringotts key if you need any more, alright?'

Elphias's eyes widened and his hands fell away from Remus's waist. 'Remy, don' trust me wit' money. I-I won't know wha' to do wit' it and if I-'

Remus pretended not to have heard Elphias's protests and continued talking, 'If you have any trouble with mum, just ask help from Mrs. Pitts next door.'

'But she doesn' even like me!' Elphias whined, getting over his anxiety a little and leaning back into Remus. 'She calls me 'runt' and 'camp and 'slag' an' all those 'orrible names.' He buried his face into Remus's neck, snuffling gently. 'It 'urts.'

Remus rolled his eyes and pushed Elphias's face away. 'You are under no circumstances to contact me. It's too dangerous and I need to keep my identity a secret throughout this trip. I'll floo once in a while if I can, but it'll be rare since I'll be using Muggle methods to get there. No writing letters either.'

'Can't write,' Elphias replied, looking a little disgruntled. 'Was too stupid to learn, so me dad gave up 'alfway through. Dirty ol' tosser.'

Remus patted him on the back distractedly, focusing more on the mental checklist he'd made of things Elphias had to take care of. Finding everything taken care of, he sighed, and looked Elphias in the eyes. 'Look, Elf, I really appreciate you doing this. I wouldn't know who else to turn to if it weren't for you. I mean, everyone's busy with their own lives, and I know you probably have a lot of other things to do, so...thank you.'

Elphias beamed. 'Anythin' for you, Remy, you know that.'

'That doesn't mean you have free reign to grope me, Elf,' Remus deadpanned, glancing at Elphias's roaming hands pointedly.

'I can't 'elp it...you're so fit!' Elphias replied, his hands giving Remus's behind a squeeze before coming back to safer areas under Remus's glare. 'I'll miss you most when I go 'ome to Stepney.'

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'I didn't know you were planning to go back?'

Elphias shrugged. 'Once the war's over, you know,' he explained, 'got no place in London and I miss the matches and me ol' friends. No place like me 'ome, I believe. Maybe you and Mrs. Lupin could come wit' me...'

Remus shook his head and smiled. 'I appreciate the offer, but mum wouldn't budge from this place for a bag full of galleons, and I...' He shrugged.

'You'd miss Mr. Black,' Elphias said sadly, 'an' the Potters and the other one, I understand.' This time when Elphias pulled on his waist, Remus relented and swung his legs inside. 'Come on then, love, let's go see wha' your dear ol' mum's doin', shall we? Maybe I can talk her into introducin' me to Mrs. Pitts son.' He grinned slyly. 'Imagine her face if I shagged him, eh?'

Remus laughed, shaking his head at Elphias's antics and ruffling his blond hair. Honestly, he wouldn't know how deep in he would have sunk if the young boy hadn't been there to keep him constantly busy with one thing or another. It felt good to have another presence to help him around. It wasn't Sirius, but it was company nonetheless, and it helped lessen the pain sometimes when memories of Sirius got too strong and hard to bear.

xxx

They were staring. They were all staring, Remus could feel it; stares of pity, of resentment, of disgust. He didn't know when things started turning around in the Order; didn't even know if it was his growing paranoia, but people seemed to be looking at him more often. It was as if he was part of a discussion in the Order and everyone was in on it except himself.

Remus wasn't stupid. He knew why they stared. He knew that Dorcas Meadows had never quite trusted him ever since she found out he was a werewolf and the growing rumours about spies and traitors were making her point fingers towards him. He also knew she wasn't the only one.

Remus knew why Frank and sometimes Lily looked at him in pity. They saw the new scars littering his skin; scars that had never been there when Remus had the Marauders or his father to care for him after transformations. Scars that came from missions Remus refused to talk about because it was dangerous to do so and because it reminded him of his repeated failures. He felt weak under their gazes a lot of the time, felt dependant and crippled. The scars didn't hurt anymore, not as much sympathy did.

What Remus couldn't figure out was the vacant stares that Sirius gave him. They were devoid of meaning, of any emotion whatsoever. Sirius simply looked at him with grey eyes that once spoke volumes to Remus and now only gave him cryptic runes and symbols. It wasn't once or twice that Remus caught Sirius staring at him; it was all the time and Sirius never seemed to look away, not even when their eyes met.

Sometimes, and those were the times he treasured the most, when their eyes would catch, Sirius's eyes would flicker with unspoken emotion and Remus would feel that jolt in his heart which he'd learned to associate with Sirius ever since first year. The feeling would be momentary and painful at the most, but it was a good kind of pain because it told Remus that Sirius still thought about him, that Sirius still cared, no matter how much he pretended not to. Remus might not have been able to explain their unusual bond, but he knew what it meant.

It was that time now; when they were connected, eye to eye, soul to soul, and neither of them was looking away. Remus didn't care if people were staring, if they somehow figured out about his previous relationship with Sirius. He didn't care if Dumbledore was talking about something life threateningly important because there was nothing more important to him right then than to keep up that dizzying beating of his heart.

Lily would have scolded him if she knew; she would have told him off for being so obsessed, for wanting and loving Sirius so much that he didn't even flinch as it consumed and ate him whole. But Lily didn't know about it now, and Sirius did. Remus could tell he did by the way Sirius's breathing grew shallow and his fingers repeatedly brushed over his chest, across his heart. It was the strongest this feeling had been in a long time and until today, Remus had been sure the connection had almost diminished to nothing. Until today...

'REMY!'

The contact broke as Remus was quite physically jerked out of his thoughts. He felt a moment of loss and then fury at the hand that was now shaking his shoulder almost violently. Sirius's eyes weren't blank again, but angry as they looked past Remus's shoulder and behind him.

Remus followed his line of sight to meet concerned green eyes peering at him. 'Elphias?'

'You 'kay, love?' Elphias asked, moving closer to Remus's face. Remus felt that jolt again, only this time it was more painful that pleasurable, as if being tugged at by an invisible silver leash. 'Only, the Potters haf been callin' you for ages.'

Remus, still feeling a little dazed and confused, turned to his right where James, Lily, and Peter were looking at him with an equal amount of concern and worry. He blinked when Peter's hand came to rest on his shoulder.

'Moony?'

'I need to-' Remus's voice, when it finally came out sounded scratchy and unused, 'I need to talk to Sirius...I need to-'

'Remus...'

Remus stood up shakily. 'Now. I need...now.' Sirius must have heard him, it was hard not to since they were all sitting so close. Sirius had heard him and was coming this way to talk to him, Remus knew. But for some reason he was being steered away by warm, pudgy, hands and a voice that stuttered and squeaked too much.

The same thing was happening with Sirius, only he was being pulled away by James and if Remus could read expression right, Sirius was being scolded through gritted teeth by a seething James. Remus wondered if they were causing a scene, if people were looking at them oddly, but couldn't bring himself to look away from Sirius's adamant face, screwed up in anger and defiance. Vaguely, he could hear Elphias's confused questions and Lily's patient explanations. Perhaps there was a bit of background gossip as well, but Remus couldn't quite focus yet.

'Moony, you n-need to stop t-this,' Peter said, helping him into a seat in the corner. Remus looked up at him and then for the first time, around him. The Order meeting must have ended because only Dumbledore, Hagrid, and the Longbottoms seemed to have remained. They all seemed to be confused, but trying to look politely oblivious to what was happening between the Marauders.

'I only wanted to-'

'No,' Peter interrupted, clutching Remus's shoulder. 'N-No, Moony, you need t-to get a hold on y- yourself.'

'But I-'

'Y-You're making a s-scene,' Peter whispered slowly, forcing Remus to sit still. 'I-I don't know what's h-happening, Moony, but you really n-need to take c-care of yourself more.'

Remus looked at Peter desperately, willing him to understand that the connection between him and Sirius still lived, that there was still love, that Remus would ask forgiveness for his mistakes and Sirius would take him back. It was that simple.

The message didn't seem to get through to Peter. 'Remus, M-Moony, have you talked to S-Sirius before...a-about why he...the two of y-you...?'

Remus shook his head, trying to catch a glimpse of Sirius through Peter's restricting body mass. 'I said I was sorry. If I say it again...maybe he will-'

'He won't,' Peter insisted so firmly that Remus almost believed it. 'Remus, he won't. He d-doesn't want to talk to y-you, Remus, he told me so h-himself.'

Remus didn't believe it. Sirius had come to his house; they had been friends ever since their break up, but Remus had felt something more today. 'He will.'

'Remus, h-he doesn't love you a-anymore. Please, you need to s-stop this before you d-drive

yourself m-mental.' Peter kneeled down in front of him so that they were at eye level. 'Y-You're going to a m-mission in a week, aren't y-you?'

Remus blinked. 'How do you-'

'I-I k-know,' Peter confirmed, his voice sounding oddly weak. 'Go, c-clear your head and f-forget Sirius for awhile.'

Forget? Forget Sirius? Was Peter joking? Was he being mocked so openly?

'D-Don't tell him about it, don't tell P-Prongs or Lily either. They're in a hassle a-as it is and Sirius isn't...' Peter hesitated, watery eyes searching Remus's face for something. It looked like his friend was about to say something, something scandalising, but decided against it. Maybe he thought Remus wouldn't listen to him or wouldn't understand. 'Go away for awhile, R-Remus. Y-You both need a b-break to get over things.'

Remus looked down at his feet, swaying dizzily in his chair. He didn't really want to take a break; just wanted to talk to Sirius a little. Not as friends, not the way they'd been talking; cautious and careful and all fake cheeriness in a pathetic attempt to restore their friendship. He wanted to talk for real, about the connection and how Remus was sorry, always so sorry that sometimes he couldn't sleep at night wondering where he had gone wrong. But then, Peter had talked to Sirius and Sirius had wanted Remus to leave him alone. So maybe their bond wasn't as strong as it ought to be; maybe Peter was right and they needed to give it some time before tackling the problem.

Peter was still talking; Remus realised but found it hard to focus on him. Sirius was gone now, but Elphias was striding determinedly towards him. 'Remus, do you trust Sirius?' Peter asked him, and Remus had to turn in surprise at the question. It seemed odd and out of sorts. Why would Peter-

Elphias tugged Remus forcefully by the hand. 'Remy, we need to take you 'ome,' he said anxiously. 'You're ill an' you don' need to be listenin' to no more o' this talk.'

Remus looked up at Elphias, taking in his young, cherubic face and wondering why he sounded so concerned or why he was holding Remus so protectively. It was an odd thing to do because Remus didn't think he was very weak or in need of support of any kind.

'I 'preciate it, Mr. Pettigrew,' Elphias continued, 'if you kept your words to yourself. They're righ' dodgy and they're upsettin' Remy. Ta.'

Peter seemed speechless as Elphias lead Remus out of Headquarters. Lily and James didn't seem to protest and vaguely, Remus could also feel Sirius's angry stares at the back of his head. This time, there were no jolts.

xxx

James tossed the house keys to Sirius, letting him open the door as James struggled with baby Harry bouncing enthusiastically on his shoulders. 'Quickly, Padfoot, I'm not sure how long my back can take this sort of torture.'

Sirius chuckled. 'Already turning into an old man, are you, Prongs? You barely had the sprog for three hours and you're exhausted.'

'I would have had him for even lesser if you could keep him quiet during practice,' James grouched. 'Honestly, it's supposed to be a learning experience for Harry, not an opportunity for you to scare the wits out of him.'

'I was just playing with him!' Sirius defended, walking into the house.

James snorted as he put Harry on the floor to do as he pleased. He flopped down on the couch beside Sirius, summoning the footstool to rest his aching feet on. 'Good practice though, wasn't it?'

Sirius hummed, fidgeting to get more comfortable. Taking care of a child was a full time job, one which Sirius voluntarily gave up his weekend for because he couldn't get over how much he loved spending time with Harry. Maybe it was a way of losing himself into simpler, less complicated things, but no matter how exhausting it was, it made him feel complacent.

Sirius was about to close his eyes for a short nap when he noticed something very familiar hung neatly on the wall. It wouldn't have caught his eyes normally, but among Lily's tasteful and expensive decorations, the plastic frame looked cheap and out of place. Sirius frowned; summoning the photo frame from the wall and staring at it a long while before letting his anger speak for him.

'What the bloody hell is this doing here?'

James, who had been silently watching Sirius the whole time, smiled smugly. 'Lily found it in your apartment last time, liked it, and duly brought it home. Why do you ask?'

It was a picture of him and Remus, the one Sirius had brought back from Mr. Lupin's office after his death; where Sirius was sleeping on Remus's shoulder contently while Remus played with his hair and grinned at the camera as if he'd never been happier. It had lived on their bedside table for almost two years before Sirius decided it no longer belonged there. 'This was in my trash!' Sirius seethed.

James cocked an eyebrow. 'Really?' he asked, as if the information was completely new to him. 'Shame. It's become one of Lily's favourite pictures.'

'She had no right,' Sirius growled, clutching the picture frame hard enough to break, 'she had no right to take it from me like that!'

James shrugged. 'Why not? You threw it away, so it was never yours to start with.'

Sirius breathed heavily, anger and rage making his throat close and restricting his ability to talk. He couldn't believe that woman! The nerve of her to just...to just...take what was his, to insult him this way.

'What are you trying to prove doing this, Padfoot?' James asked, tilting his head in that same infuriatingly condescending manner. 'Did you think that by throwing away Remus's pictures you would stop loving him? That things would be all better again?'

Sirius moved away, the picture falling out of his hands and making James laugh derisively.

'Look at you, Padfoot, you still wear that collar Remus gave you every single, fucking day of your life. You come here every free minute of the day so that you don't have to think about him not being at the house. You even sleep here on most days! Who are you trying to fool, Sirius?' James asked, picking the picture up and forcing it into Sirius's hands again. 'Us? Yourself? Because it's not working...'

Sirius trembled under James's words, his eyes darting back and forth to look anywhere but at the picture of him and Remus together. Finally, after a long time in which James's patience was stretched to the limit, Sirius looked down at Remus's face, still smiling, still oblivious. 'He used to be so beautiful,' Sirius whispered, running a thumb over Remus's face, wondering what it would

feel like if glass was replaced by skin.

'He still is,' James replied, and by the look on his face, Sirius could tell that James was both earnest and embarrassed by his statement. 'Padfoot, why can't you see that he still cares for you?'

Sirius closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the cushions. 'I see it, Prongs, I know he still wants me and still loves me, but that's not enough. It's...complicated...you wouldn't understand.'

'Try me.'

'Do you know how difficult it is to live with a person who works against you, whose every word could be a lie, whose actions and moods you can never predict? Do you know how it feels to sleep beside a traitor, to make love to him not knowing who he's going to kill next?' Sirius glared at James, heatedly flinging the picture to the other end of the room.

The glass cracked, but the frame remained intact.

James didn't move, showed no outward signs of disapproval and it angered Sirius even more because it reminded him of Remus. Because that's exactly what Remus would do – stay calm until finally Sirius pushed too many buttons and blew Remus's equally short but well contained fuse.

'No, you wouldn't know,' Sirius continued darkly, 'because you and Lily are leading your perfect little lives with your white picket fence and your lovely little families. A nice little chapter to add to some floral fairytale, innit?' He banged the sofa's arm in frustration. 'Fuck you, James, fuck you. You and Lily have no right to tell me what to do.'

'Fuck!' Harry declared, distracted from his self immersed play time by Sirius's outburst. 'Fuck!' he said again, but none of the grownups took any notice because they were too busy being angry at each other.

'I have every right,' James snarled, hands clenching, 'every right when my friends are involved, you understand that? You might not have the most perfect of lives, Sirius, but that gives you no reason to mess with Remus. Don't think I haven't figured out what you're trying to do.'

Sirius crossed his arms challengingly. 'Humour me, go on. What is it that I'm trying to do?'

James launched himself upon Sirius, grabbing him by the shirt collar. Harry must have started screaming in fright at some point, but both James and Sirius were too far gone to notice. 'Stop playing with him!' James warned, his hold tightening. 'Stop pretending to be his friend as an excuse to spy on him. Stop using him. Remus isn't some sort of toy that you can just break and take and throw away whenever you want.'

Sirius snorted and pushed James away roughly. 'You care too much, Prongs. It's sickening.'

James would have hit him then, Sirius knew, but was only restraining himself for Harry's sake. Instead, he took a steely breath to calm himself, forcefully unclenching his fists and looking Sirius straight in the eyes. 'Just, do me a favour, okay, as a brother...' He picked Harry up and summoned the picture frame again, placing it in the space between them. 'Talk to him. No insults, no double motives; just really talk to him. You don't have to talk to him about Death Eaters, or Voldemort, or anything of that sort.'

Sirius frowned, looking from Harry who was slowly quieting down, to James who looked sincere and pleading.

'Talk to him; see if he's changed, if he's any different from the Remus we knew back in school.'

Sirius looked away. 'Fine,' he said quietly, not knowing if he meant it yet, but just wanting James to get off his back. 'Fine, I'll talk to him for you.'

James nodded in approval, pushing the picture into Sirius's hands one last time and forcing Sirius's fingers to close around it. 'Keep it. Until you're completely sure, keep it.'

Sirius stuffed it into his jacket, planting a kiss on Harry's forehead before turning to go back home. He didn't think he could stand anymore pushing from James or Lily, and decided that maybe he'd avoid coming for a while. He would wait for things to cool down a bit, for the topic of him and Remus to fall into a deeper corner before deciding to start visiting his godson again.

Sirius sighed, fingering the cool surface of the picture frame inside his jacket.

It was too dark to be out, everyone seemed to have realised that except the two of them. It seemed like they didn't have a care in the world, not while they lay sprawled on the grass, Remus on top of Sirius, and Sirius stroking Remus's hair lazily. The grass was wet and one or both of them were likely to catch a cold the next day, but neither seemed to be in a hurry to get home. It was uncharacteristically quiet for London, and the recently put curfew seemed to have scared even most of the night creatures away, leaving Remus and Sirius to be themselves after a long time.

They were content this way; so content that the fight they'd had only an hour ago seemed like a distant and irrelevant memory.

'I didn't mean it, Moony,' Sirius whispered slowly, burying his nose in Remus hair. 'You know that, don't you? I didn't mean a word I said.'

'I know,' Remus replied, the residue of anger and hurt in his voice fading away as Sirius kissed the top of his head affectionately. 'Me neither.'

'I don't mean to hurt you, Moony,' Sirius continued in between soft kisses to his face, 'never want to hurt you. You're all I have.'

Remus closed his eyes slowly under the feel of Sirius's fingers caressing him. 'Why do we fight then, Padfoot? Why are we always so angry?'

Sirius didn't seem to have an answer.

'Why is it that when we fight, all we think of is how to make each other bleed? Why can't we just stop?' Remus asked insistently, his fists clenching around the front of Sirius's T-shirt, pulling at it so that the leather collar that usually stayed hidden shone boldly in the streetlight.

Sirius pulled Remus closer to him, so close it felt like a desperate attempt to mold them together forever. 'We didn't always use to be like this, did we?'

'No, not always...'

Sirius looked up at the sky thoughtfully and then at Remus, his eyes still reflecting the light of the

stars above. 'I still love you, Moony; no matter how much we change or fight. I still love you.'

xxx

Elphias smiled down at him toothily. 'Wha' can I get you today, Mr. Black?' he asked, obviously very amused to find someone he knew sitting in the café he worked in.

Sirius smiled back at him coolly. 'I was hoping to run into you, Elphias. How about you get me and you a couple of butterbeers, and we sit down to chat?'

'You'll have t' gimme a minute,' Elphias conceded, 'Gotta talk someone into doin' me part for a while.'

Sirius watched him walk to the counter and talk to one of the girls who worked there. Elphias had slept with her, Sirius could tell, because the girl seemed to use every possible moment to touch him one way or another, and giggled far too much. Sirius shook his head exasperatedly. He himself had never had to make an effort to flirt with girls, even back in school or before Remus; his aristocratic looks, cruel tounge, and bad boy attitude had been enough to drive the women wild. It still worked nowadays, when Sirius was too frustrated to go home or wanted to throw Remus off his mind with a quick, much needed fuck.

'Wha' brings you 'ere, sir?' Elphias asked, sliding into the seat opposite to Sirius and sending the bottle towards him.

'I was by the cottage,' Sirius explained, twisting the cap open, 'since its Remus's birthday and all. No one seemed to be home...'

Elphias nodded, taking a generous gulp of his drink. 'Remy's on a mission an' Mrs. Lupin must have been 'sleep.'

Sirius's eyebrows rose. Remus hadn't mentioned anything about a mission to either of them. When had he gone? What else did Elphias know about it? 'Well, when he comes back, give him this, won't you?' Sirius handed over the box of wrapped chocolates he'd bought for Remus; they were his favourite and though Sirius tried hard not to, he always remembered. 'Where's he gone off to anyways?'

Elphias shrugged. 'No idea. 'E hasn't told 'nyone.'

'Oh.' Sirius's mind was begging to ask more questions, to find out what was going on, to see if this was the clue he was looking for so desperately, but he knew better than to talk. Elphias wasn't always as stupid as he seemed, and Sirius had made a promise to James to stop trying to spy on Remus until he had properly talked to him.

'I'll let you know when 'e comes,' Elphias continued, peeling the tape at the corner of the gift. Sirius mused at how entirely tactless the boy and his curiosity was. 'You can visit. You don' do tha' much no more.'

Sirius sipped his drink cautiously. 'Well, I've been busy a bit...'

Elphias peeked through the little opening he'd made in the wrapping and smiled. 'Remy wishes you would come sometimes.'

'Oh?' Sirius asked, somewhat surprised. 'He told you that, did he?'

Elphias shook his head. 'No, sir. Remy doesn' need to tell me for me to know thin's.'

Sirius felt a sudden surge of anger shoot through him. Since when did Elphias read Remus's mind anyway? And why did he keep insisting on calling him 'Remy'? It was such an irritating pet name.

Sirius's expression must have showed some of his discontent because Elphias tilted his head questioningly. Fortunately or not, the boy was horrible at reading Sirius as a whole and took the expression as being an insecure one. 'Don' worry, Mr. Black,' he reassured for God only knew

what. 'Remy'll love your gift. They're his favourite.'

Sirius had never thought about it before, but Elphias was really quite annoying. Really, really – nothing irked Sirius more that Elphias platinum blond curls and cheerful smile. In fact, Sirius didn't understand what the boy was doing in the Order in the first place – he might be a good dueler, but he was too stupid to comprehend anything that was going on around him. He wasn't that much of a protégé either.

'Tell me, Elphias,' Sirius asked in a low voice, 'does Remus tell you everything?'

'Remy has a lot of secrets,' Elphias replied sadly, 'and 'e feels 'e needs to keep 'em. Don' know why.'

Sirius scowled. 'And what about you, Elphias?' Sirius continued, knowing he was crossing the line, breaking his promise to James a little, but too angry to care as much. 'Do you tell Remus everything? Does he know how every day of your life goes, what you do, how you fight, your conversations with Dumbledore? Or do you keep secrets, too?' He was being very obvious, but who cared anymore. Who the fuck cared? 'Is that how your little deal works then? You do his chores, and he gives you a little pat on the head and makes you talk?'

Elphias frowned, his attention now fully on Sirius. 'Wit' all due respect, sir, I don' think you have a righ' to be jealous. You left Remy.'

'I'm not jealous,' Sirius replied through gritted teeth. 'They were simple questions, but I'm sure you wouldn't understand, not with that brain of yours.'

Elphias stood up, his chair scraping noisily against the floor from the force. 'I migh' not be a gentleman as you, Mr. Black, but tha' don't mean you can come 'ere and talk down to me. I can hex you righ' now, I can, but I won'.'

Sirius stood up as well, towering over Elphias's small form and looking down into his eyes fiercely. 'Is that a challenge, Elphias?'

Elphias, to his credit, did not waver the slightest. 'No, sir, it is a warnin', 'cause Remy wouldn' like me fightin' wit' you.'

Sirius glared, not willing to back down and surrender to a child three years younger than him. 'Remy's little pet now, are you?'

Elphias's green eyes darkened. 'Course,' he sneered, 'I have t' listen to wha' he says. We're lovers now, aren' we?'

Sirius's head exploded then and he had to grip the table hard to not punch Elphias right there. 'If you expect me to believe that, Elphias, you're even more idiotic than you seem.'

Elphias brought his face closer to Sirius's, so close that his breath fanned across Sirius's cheek, hot and dangerous from anger. 'We fuck, Mr. Black. I don' care if you believe it or not.' He glanced down at Sirius's whitening knuckles and smirked. 'An you know wha' else? It's bloody brilliant.'

Sirius punched him, right in the eye, and he would have done a lot more had not there been a commotion in the café and a flurry of hands restraining the both of them. In the end, Elphias got fired from his job and Sirius got banned from ever entering the café again. Not like he ever would, but it gave him a sick sort of satisfaction to replay the feel of the boy's flesh beneath his fists and the image of Elphias being literally thrown out of the door.

It felt very, very good, and it even made Elphias's resounding voice dim a little inside his head so

that he could somewhat ignore it.

'We fuck, Mr. Black.'

The box of chocolates lay crumpled and abandoned on the floor.

xxx

There had been something dodgy about the man the minute he'd entered the bus. Jake, one of the passengers that had had the misfortune of sitting beside him had thought so at least. There had been something ominous about him, as if he carried the weight of a dark secret upon his slim but tight shoulders. His whole body was tense under layers of unnecessary clothing, and he had the air of a man on a mission, one who was preparing for a fight he was determined to win.

It would be hard to describe exactly what about the man was dangerous because Jake never saw the face that hid behind a jacket hood and dark shadows that seemed to almost follow him around. His long shoulder length hair peeked out slightly in flashes of light brown and sometimes his eyes glowed gold behind the darkness, making Jake literally shiver in his seat.

The hands that peeked out through sleeves showed pale skin that had tanned slightly unevenly under the sun, and the way they moved seemed ethereal almost. Inhuman, because they flowed too smoothly and looked as if they were suppressing some sort of hidden strength. The man's entire being seemed to speak of it, and it was intriguing and intimidating in kind.

Gathering up his courage, Jake had taken the pains to be courteous and introduced himself amicably. The man had smiled, or at least his eyes had crinkled sadly in the corners before shaking Jake's hand with his oddly warm one. 'John,' he had replied, in a soft, tired voice that betrayed the fierceness of his tall, slim stature.

They hadn't talked anymore after that, but Jake was now watching John closely as the bus wobbled and shook nauseatingly. John was carrying a small briefcase of sort, gold letters stamped across the surface with the initial R.J. Jake had wondered what the 'R' stood for, but didn't ask in fear of offending the man. There was a last name also, but it had been scratched out to a point beyond recognition. As if the man wasn't mysterious enough.

What really irked Jake though was how the man kept his left hand in his coat pocket at all times. For a moment, Jake had been sure it would turn out to be a gun and this man was going to be some sort criminal on a run. Then the bus hit a hard brake, and Jake found out as the man slid slightly in his seat that it was nothing but a long wooden stick.

There was nothing very extraordinary about it. It was black and somewhat dull, with some sort of inscription at the bottom that started with 'Ol'. Yet, John kept a firm hand on it and every time the door of the bus would slide open, his grip would tighten considerably. Jake quietly wondered what he was waiting for and if it was life threatening in any way, but didn't dare ask.

They sat like that for hours, Jake fidgeting uncomfortably and John completely statuesque except for the slight flexing of his left hand. Things couldn't have been any odder, or so Jake thought until he was startled out of his wits by an owl flaying side by side with the bus and rapping very specifically at their window.

'Argh!' he screamed, instinctively falling into the person beside him, which happened to be John.

John seemed more shocked by Jake's reaction that the owl's continuous efforts to keep up with the moving bus. 'Excuse me,' he said politely, frowning as he opened the window and let the owl in.

To his absolute horror, the owl actually flew in and perched on John's outstretched hands, claws gently settling against skin and beak nipping John's ear affectionately when he stroked the bird's feathers. It stretched out its leg after and offered a roll of paper tied firmly there.

Good Lord, Jake thought with wide eyes and a dry mouth, he's using it as some sort of homing pigeon.

This is a dream, he further tried to convince himself, it is a dream and I must have fallen asleep on the bus again. Keeping that mantra in his head, Jake looked through the corner of his eyes to catch a glimpse of his letter. It was a dream after all, and it wouldn't hurt to be slightly curious, would it?

The letter, from what Jake could see, had been written very badly. The ink was blotchy and spreading, and the handwriting was barely readable, with twists and turns in all the wrong places, and the 'S's' and 'E's' all written the other way around; like a child who was just learning to write. There were so many spelling mistakes that even the words Jake could make out had no meaning in them. John, however, didn't seem to be having as much problem as his eyes scanned the letter quickly.

Jake waited for a smile to grace his eyes like most people's did when they read a letter from a child, but it never came. After a while, John's eyes seemed to have stopped moving entirely and focused on a spot somewhere in the middle of the worn, yellowing paper.

It took Jake a complete five minutes of staring to figure out that one of the words spelled 'dead'.

Christ, he thought, as John shot up from his seat so fast that his hood fell, revealing a face that didn't seem scary or intimidating at all. In fact, it looked almost...ordinary, except his worried eyes that shone amber gold in the streetlight.

'Stop the bus!' John said, his voice cracking and his face growing steadily pale. 'I said, stop!' he shouted loudly when the bus driver didn't seem to listen. This time, however, his voice was strong and dangerous; a lot like Jake had pictured it to be the first time. There was a quiet intensity to his expression, a face that went from ordinary to a face that demanded compliance.

'Alright, I'm stopping!' the bus driver cried, alarmed.

The bus screeched to a halt in the middle of the road, and neither the passengers nor the driver seemed to be able to do more than stare as the man hurried off the bus. Jake tried to catch sight of him immediately after that, rushing to the window on the opposite side, but the man had disappeared almost instantly, as if he'd never been there to start with.

Settling back in his seat, Jake wondered if John had had a family and if the letter had been from his own child reporting bad news because no one else could. An almost morbid story began to form in his head and for John's sake, Jake hoped it wasn't true and everything was okay.

xxx

Mrs. Lupin died on the twenty sixth of April, 1981. It was a Sunday afternoon, but Elphias could never tell the time, mainly because it had been completely unexpected.

Mrs. Lupin, for the first time since Elphias had started taking care of her, hadn't complained about any joint pains or headaches. She hadn't forgotten anything and didn't fuss or complain about the food, inflation, politics or anything of that sort. In fact, she seemed to be having a very good day and was in an extremely cheery mood, if not a little pale, when Elphias dropped her off at the

church before heading off for his latest job in a broom repair shop.

It was a small job and didn't pay as much as his last one. He simply had to wax and polish the repaired brooms for a better finish. The irony of the job was not lost on him, and Mrs. Lupin had spent a good half an hour laughing after he told her.

Elphias had come back home at around three, his hand sore and swearing off wanking until he found a better job or got promoted to something less...exhausting. He'd found the lunch he'd prepared for Mrs. Lupin before leaving untouched and still piping hot from the warming charms he'd cast. Even then, Elphias hadn't thought much of it and didn't disturb Mrs. Lupin when he found her napping in the bedroom.

In fact, Elphias hadn't begun to worry until around five when Mrs. Lupin still hadn't gotten up. So, he checked up on her again, found her body cold as ice and completely impassive to his shaking. Even then, Elphias hadn't panicked. He had kept his cool and simply called Mrs. Pitts who, with a lot of reluctance, had given him the number of a good doctor.

Things after that were all a blur. Even now if you asked him, Elphias wouldn't be able to tell what had come before and what had come after. He remembered crying a lot after the doctor had told him and he remembered not understanding a lot of what had been said and wishing Remus was there to explain things better. He remembered Mrs. Pitts being sympathetic and kind to him for the first time, and trying to get him to calm down, but he couldn't. Even when he'd been trying his hardest to write a coherent letter to Remus, Elphias seemed out of sorts. In his mind, Elphias knew that Remus had asked not to contact him and that this letter could be potentially dangerous if in the wrong hands, but it didn't seem to matter. Elphias couldn't care less about the Order and the missions.

While the crying had come down to quiet sobs, Elphias had lost control yet again when Remus had burst in through Mrs. Lupin's bedroom door, eyes scared and face gaunt and unshaven. He had taken one look at Elphias, then at Mrs. Lupin and fell to his knees beside her.

'I'm sorry,' Elphias said, trying to wipe his tears away. 'I'm sorry. I should have-'

'What did they say?' Remus asked, cutting off his apologies and touching his mother with trembling hands – her eyes, her cheek, her hair. 'Why did she-'

'No reason,' Elphias replied quietly, coming down to kneel beside Remus. 'Nothin' I could understand. They said a lot o' fancy words, an' I didn' get 'alf of it, but Mrs. Pitts said it was natural. That there ain't no reason.'

Remus made a choking sound at the back of his throat. 'She wasn't that sick, was she?' he asked, more to himself that Elphias. 'She wasn't old and she's wasn't sick. Why would she...?'

Elphias sniffed. 'She was lonely sometimes...she told me tha'.'

'Lonely,' Remus repeated unbelievingly. 'I wasn't enough for her, right?' he asked angrily. 'Her own son wasn't enough to keep her happy!' He banged the side of the bed with his fist hard, making a dent there, to Elphias's surprise. 'Damn it, she never-'

What she never did, Elphias would never know because Remus had walked away then and left Elphias with Mrs. Lupin. Elphias had thought he was running away, but found Remus in the sitting room, writing a letter to his aunt and Dumbledore through glassy eyes and a fingers that held too tightly to his quill and snapped a few already.

Elphias didn't ask why Remus wasn't informing his friends as well. He wasn't all that foolish; he'd seen the stares of pity as clearly as Remus had and he knew how much Remus despised it. Remus didn't need pity; he needed someone like Elphias who felt what he felt and cried because he was upset and not because he was sympathetic. Besides, Elphias doubted if Mr. Black would come, especially after all the lies he'd been made to believe during Elphias's fit of anger.

'She looks beautiful.' Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say to Remus at that time, but it was the truth. Mrs. Lupin's cheeks had filled out from the broken, sallow ones that he'd seen her grow into and her skin though pale and white, had a sort of ethereal beauty to it. It was as if she had gained life by losing it.

This was what Elphias thought and felt, and his old man would have been furious at him for getting so attached to these two people; people who were a higher class than he was, but had never treated him any differently. If his father would have been here right now, he would have scolded Elphias for crying like a pansy and always being so emotional. God knows he'd heard it enough when the old man was alive.

Remus looked up at him then and nodded, but said nothing.

The funeral was a quiet affair, consisting of only Aunt Nash, Mrs. Pitts and few other neighbours, Remus, Dumbledore, and Elphias. Mrs. Lupin had been buried beside her husband and the epitaph had read 'Together forever'. Remus had carved it himself.

The mood required rain, Elphias thought, because that would complete this little chapter of theirs and give a sufficient ending. The skies should have been pouring down on them as wet as their eyes and as loud as their hearts. Of course, nothing of the sort happened, and for all of Elphias's requests, they received nothing but a soft drizzle of a few minutes and then bright, wholesome sunshine.

'It would seem, Remus, that your mother's death was not in vain,' Elphias heard Dumbledore tell Remus, a little louder than a whisper. 'She died protecting you, just like your father.'

Both Remus and Elphias frowned and turned to Dumbledore questioningly. Aunt Nash was too busy crying over Mrs. Pitts shoulder to have heard anything.

'I received news from a few reliable sources and it would seem that news of your arrival had reached many ears,' Dumbledore explained gravely, pushing his half moon glasses up his nose. 'There was a group of assorted Death Eaters and Dark creatures awaiting your arrival at the stop you were supposed to pull up in.'

Elphias gasped inwardly and inched closer to hear better.

'They've been tailing you for a long time now, Remus, and my advice to you is to forget this mission. If young Elphias's letter hadn't reached you last night, your life and Merlin knows how many others would have been at risk.'

Remus fidgeted, looking down at his feet. 'What do you suggest I do then?'

'Lay low,' Dumbledore advised, placing a gentle hand on Remus's shoulder. 'For now, do nothing dangerous. I have a theory about Voldemort and I might need your help when I can prove it right, but till then, do nothing.'

Remus nodded, though Elphias could see it was reluctant. 'As you wish, Headmaster.'

That was the last Elphias saw or heard of him after the funeral. He'd been tempted to follow Remus

of course, but Aunt Nash had stopped him and asked him to give Remus some space, to let him fade away into obscurity for a while.

Elphias hadn't wanted to listen to her, but after a lot of coaxing and explaining, he obliged. He sat there with Aunt Nash through her tears and then through her memories, his mind keeping close to Remus and how he had to be feeling. Elphias hadn't listened to a word she had said and when the time came for her to leave, he simply patted her on the back and rushed off to search for Remus.

Elphias found Remus much later in the bathroom. The door had been left ajar as either an invitation to come in or Remus might have just forgotten to lock it in a hurry. Whatever it was, Elphias understood that it was a sensitive time for Remus and the issue needed to be handled carefully.

So he peeked first, trying to widen the crack slightly by pushing the door to see more clearly. Remus was sitting on the toilet, lid down, head bent, and a smoke dangling from his lips. He must have decided to take a shower earlier because he was dressed in only a towel wrapped along his waist, and his long hair was dripping all over the tiled floor in steady droplets.

A heavy sniff resounded in the bathroom, and Elphias realised that Remus's hair wasn't the only thing dripping water. It made his heart clench and twist painfully in ways he never thought possible. Elphias wished he could do something for Remus, somehow stop this constant wave of pain that he always seemed to be in, but found himself feeling utterly useless. What could he do? He had nothing to offer as comfort, nothing that would make Remus's hardships and problems fade away.

Elphias knocked on the door and was man enough to look away and let Remus wipe his face before entering to a teary 'come in'. There were a good number of cigarette butts littering the floor that Elphias hadn't noticed before, and he had to carefully step over them to get to the towel rack in the other end of the bathroom.

'Nash asked me t' say goodbye b'fore she left,' Elphias said softly, standing in front of Remus and starting to towel dry Remus's long wet hair.

Remus hummed, letting his cigarette fall to the floor. Elphias stubbed it out distractedly, wondering how many in total Remus had smoked in the last two hours. He knew Remus was not a compulsive smoker, that he only smoked when he was particularly stressed or upset, which seemed to happen quite a lot these days.

Elphias sighed heavily, using the excuse of drying Remus's hair to pull the brunette's face closer so that his face pressed against Elphias's stomach in an awkward sort of embrace. Elphias expected to be shied away or be met without a response, which was why he jerked slightly when Remus reciprocated by loosely wrapping his arms around Elphias's waist and digging deeper.

'It ain't so bad,' Elphias said, in an effort to keep things busy, 'bein' an orphan, I mean. Back in the streets, we get by all righ' as long as us friends stick together.' He carefully hung the towel across Remus's shoulder, finger combing Remus's hair carefully. 'So you got me for now an' I got you, yeah?'

Remus lifted his head to look up at Elphias and smiled weakly. 'Yeah, I suppose.'

For the first time, Elphias felt a lot older than Remus. Not because he felt less childish all of a sudden, but because Remus seemed smaller, less strong and less brave than Elphias had always perceived him. The roles had reversed, and Elphias was the one taking care of Remus and holding things together now.

Elphias fingered Remus's long hair, darkened to a deep chocolate brown from the shower. It was soft and fine, and as it slipped between Elphias's fingers, it felt too long and heavy and too worn. Elphias wondered why Remus kept it at this length; why he always tried to hide behind a curtain of hair falling over his face.

'Remy, do you trust me?'

Remus shrugged. 'You're a friend, Elf,' he replied in a croaky, broken voice.

Elphias smiled softly, using his thumb to gently brush Remus's damp, clumped together eyelashes. It seemed a like a ridiculous thing to do; to touch somebody's eyelashes of all things, but Remus's red rimmed eyes and rosy cheeks and nose made him look so vulnerable that Elphias didn't know what else to do.

Remus didn't seem to have anything else to say after that, so Elphias took it was an initiative to reach up to the medicine cabinet and grab a pair of nail scissors. They were slightly too small, but they were sharp and would be easy to work with in Elphias's not so experienced hands. Elphias had expected some sort of protest from Remus when he cut the first lock of hair all the way up to his chin, but got none.

Remus simply closed his eyes and nodded Elphias to carry on. Everything was a blur after that. Brown hair littered the floor beside their feet as Remus kept up his silence, and Elphias, being the restless character he was, struggled to fill it.

'I had a friend who would do this,' Elphias said, wondering if Remus had fallen asleep sitting down. 'Every time somethin' 'orrible would happen, she'd cut her hair – shorter, longer, it didn't matter. 'S long as it was a change. I think she shaved her 'ead once too, but I can't quite remember.'

Remus didn't speak and his eyes fluttered tiredly every so often as if trying to fight impending sleep. When the final layers fell off, Elphias saw what Remus had been hiding all along:

A tattoo; no, a barcode of sorts. One that branded Remus for a werewolf and confirmed what he was to one and all. It was so demeaning, Elphias thought, as he fingered every number and letter delicately. It was like being treated as an animal or a monster when Remus has always done everything to prove he was anything but.

'You look like your ol' man,' Elphias stated, as he put the scissors down on the basin. It was true; Elphias hadn't known what he was doing when he'd first started out, but as work had progressed, the boy seemed to realise that he was cutting Remus's hair out of memory of the pictures he'd seen of John Lupin when he was younger.

With his eyes closed like this, Remus looked exactly like him, even though his hair was a lot shaggier and scruffy because of Elphias's inexperience with the scissors. Remus seemed to have realised the very same thing and was unable to take his eyes off his reflection for a very long time. Slowly, hesitantly, he reached out for the mirror, testing to see if it was real as if.

'You can see my scar,' Remus said softly, running his finger down the path of the scar, not on his own skin but on his reflection. 'It's...'

'It's you,' Elphias finished. 'The tattoo stays hidden for your safety, but the scar's all you.' Elphias had meant to sound comforting, but judging by Remus's unsure face, he must have failed spectacularly. 'You look bloody gorgeous this way, even more than you used to,' he tried, this time, displaying his trademark playful grin. 'I'd fuck you any day.'

Remus laughed as he always did when Elphias flirted with him. 'Short it is then,' he said, getting up and walking out of the bathroom. 'Mum always wanted me to get a haircut.'

Elphias smiled, muttering a quick Scourgify before following Remus to his bedroom. Upon reaching there, he quickly turned away though, blushing bright red. Remus was changing into his pyjamas and Elphias realised with surprised horror that the farthest he'd seen Remus naked was without a shirt. Under normal circumstances, he would have peeked liked the horny bugger he was, but it was different this time. This was Remus and his mother had just died, and it felt simply wrong to take advantage of a friend in his weakest hour.

'Remy?' Elphias asked, wondering if it was okay to turn now.

'Hm?' Elphias heard the rustling of sheets behind him as Remus climbed into his bed, and took it as safe to turn.

'I miss her.'

For a while, Elphias didn't think Remus was going to say anything and that maybe he might have gone too far with his little declaration, however true it was. He did miss Delilah Lupin, a lot, because she had pampered and spoiled him in ways no one ever had, especially not his father who had always been too busy training him to fight instead of being a good parent. Mrs. Lupin had kept Elphias company on nights Remus wasn't there or too busy to even look at them, and they'd been as close to friends as they could be, given the age difference.

He missed her, a lot, and the house somehow felt lonely without her.

So he climbed into bed with Remus, hesitant at first because he didn't know if it was an appropriate thing to do and if Remus would be adverse to it. But when Remus didn't object or even move for that matter, he pulled the covers tightly and tucked them around their bodies. He closed his eyes and kept close to the warmth of Remus's back.

As he lay there, Elphias tried not to cry again; he'd had his turn after all and Remus deserved it more than he did, but couldn't help it when a few tears fell and a tell tale sniff slipped out.

He felt Remus shift slowly beside him, turning so that he lay on his back instead with his arms behind his head. 'I miss her, too,' he said so softly that Elphias, who was quite close, had to strain to hear.

It was the last thing Remus said consciously that night before he fell asleep. Remus didn't know it, but he'd called for Sirius many times in his sleep, sometimes curling up against Elphias and sobbing into his arm. Remus's voice went to the edge of desperate during these times, his body twisting and soaking the sheets with sweat. So, Elphias held him, head pillowed on Remus's chest and fingers carding through Remus freshly cropped hair to calm him down.

Elphias held him close till dawn and let Remus believe and pretend what he wanted while his vision was still black...