chapter 28

May, 1981...

By the end of May, sleeping with Remus in his bed had become quite regular for Elphias. It had started out simply as a way of comfort for both of them after Mrs. Lupin had died. Elphias would rush to Remus's side every time he heard the werewolf screaming and whimpering from another horrible nightmare, and try and calm him for all it was worth. Sometimes, it wasn't Remus, but just Elphias's loneliness that made Elphias tip-toe bare feet into Remus room and burrow under the covers.

What made sleeping together comforting most of all was that they were really just sleeping together. Shocking as it was, Elphias was complacent with just that. For the first time in his life, he would wake up beside a warm body without a raging hard on or the need to have sex with it. Not that he wasn't still turned on by Remus or didn't want to snog him senseless at times, but Elphias was happy this way. He was happy to have someone who actually listened to him when he talked, and needed him, and cared for him, and didn't complain when he snuggled close during the nights despite Remus having enlarged the bed.

Evenings and nights were the only times they saw each other anymore nowadays. Remus had taken Dumbledore's advice seriously and given up missions for a while. It had raised many questions within the Order, but they were duly ignored as Remus got himself a job that went on till seven in the evening. It wasn't a proper job because no one in the magical world would hire a werewolf, not during these times. It was a Muggle one in which Remus worked on weekends in exchange for having a few days off every month for his transformation. Elphias didn't know the specifics but it involved carrying a lot of heavy boxes without magic and healing a lot of splinters after. It wasn't too bad; it paid well and Elphias often got to see Remus shirtless and glistening in a heavy layer of sweat.

When Remus returned home in the evenings, Elphias would badger him with all sorts of tales and stories about what happened at work over an early dinner, and Remus would smile and laugh in all the right places so that it left Elphias feeling very important. What Elphias didn't understand though was Remus's insistence on doing the Daily Prophet's runic translations every day. Remus claimed it was to keep his mind fresh and to Elphias's utmost horror, even called it fun more than once. Elphias still struggles to forget that statement.

Remus was solving them again now, sucking on his quill contemplatively. Elphias vowed to buy Remus some sugar quills as he climbed into bed beside Remus and pulled the sheets up to his chin. It was Remus's quiet, thinking time, so he kept uncharacteristically silent and closed his eyes, preparing himself to fall asleep quicker than usual because he'd had a particularly hard day.

'Remy?' Elphias asked sleepily, his voice sounding muffled because of his pillow. Remus laid a hand on his head as acknowledgement to show he was listening.

Elphias turned to face Remus, still engrossed in his puzzles and crosswords. 'Would you ever hate me?'

Remus cocked an eyebrow but said nothing, choosing to fill out a blank box underneath symbols that looked more confusing than Chinese to Elphias.

'Wha' if I told you I did somethin' bad?' Elphias asked, remembering what he'd told Sirius. It still haunted him sometimes: the anger and jealousy on Sirius's face and the pain that came with the punch. 'Somethin' really, really 'orrible that you migh' never forgive me for?' He shouldn't have said those lies about Remus, he knew, but he'd been so angry and Sirius had been so hurtful. Elphias felt he deserved a lesson; at that time, Elphias felt Sirius should have had his worst nightmares thrown back at his face. Elphias still thought Sirius deserved to be riled up that way, but only felt guilty because of Remus.

Remus set the paper down on his lap. 'Okay, who have you murdered?' 'Nobody!' Elphias exclaimed with wide eyes making Remus chuckle. 'All right, have you broken anything?'

Elphias took some time to think, wondering how Remus would react if Elphias told him. How hurt would Remus be? Elphias didn't want Remus to go through anything too awful, not after he was finally starting to get over Mrs. Lupin's death. 'Not yet, I don' think,' Elphias replied finally.

Remus tilted his head to the side. 'Are you experiencing a moment of low self esteem and needing me to stroke your ego a bit?'

'I'd rather you stroke somethin' a lot bigger,' Elphias purred, brushing his hand over Remus's thigh.

Remus snorted and pushed away Elphias's hand. 'Another bad pick up line like that and this bed is off limits, am I clear?'

Elphias noticed that while Remus never quite objected to his touches, they were never reciprocated either. Remus never sought out Elphias during bad nights or tried to hug him when he felt like one. It hurt just a little bit, especially after being told by Mrs. Lupin that Remus once used to be very affectionate. Elphias crossed his arms behind his head and looked up at Remus contemplatively, wondering how much Sirius Black had changed of Remus – how much had he broken and ruined?

'So what is this horrible, horrible thing that you've done?'

Elphias bit his lip, still unsure of whether to outright say it or not. 'I-' He didn't want Remus angry with him. More so, he didn't want Remus to get any more upset than he already was. 'I wanked on your favourite sheets.' He said the first, silliest thing that came to his mind and turned bright red when he realised exactly what he'd just said.

Remus was too busy laughing to notice how Elphias slid deeper under the covers to hide his face.

'Also, I think you should tell your frien's about your mum,' Elphias said in a small voice, peeking from beneath the covers for the awaited explosion or breakdown. To his surprise, none came and Remus's laughter slowly quieted down to chuckles.

'If that's what you think, mate,' he replied, smiling still.

'I think,' Elphias continued boldly, 'it would make Mrs. Potter less worried 'bout you, an' it would help. You, I mean.'

Remus gently held Elphias's chin between his fingers. 'I'll tell them this week. I think I can now.' 'Really?' Elphias asked, clasping Remus's hand in his and giving the knuckles a swift kiss.

'Sleep, Elf,' Remus insisted, taking away his hand to get back to his ever important puzzle. 'And keep the wanking out of my sheets next time, alright?'

xxx

Remus has never looked this handsome. Never, as far as Sirius remembered, did Remus look so beautiful that he looked called upon from the heavens. It could have been the haircut: short, choppy honey-brown hair that was no longer as straight as it used to be. Somehow, without the weight of its length, Remus's hair now curled at the ends; not messy despite being uneven and longer in the front than at the back, but just perfect.

It could have been the haircut, but that didn't explain why Remus's skin looked so soft and untouchable; a nice healthy colour to his usual pallor as if he'd been exposed to just the right amount of sun. He still had tired bags under his eyes, but they seemed insignificant almost when compared to the rest of him.

The new hairstyle didn't explain the hard muscles flexing underneath Remus's thin t-shirt. He had always had a great body, Sirius thought so at least, despite being skinny, but there was more definition to his angles now. It especially didn't explain the way Remus now confidently bore his bite scar, barely flinching when the bartender stared at it a bit too long. Sirius remembered a time when Remus had been too ashamed to show it to his best friends.

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.'

Sirius wasn't really listening to Remus as much as just watching his mouth move. He had caught on the gist of the conversation; he had understood that Remus's mother had died over a month ago and he had understood that not many people currently knew which was why Remus was telling him all of this. He understood it, but found it hard to believe. Delilah Lupin was dead? How? Why? It wasn't a Death Eater attack; Remus had confirmed so much. Then why would such a sweet, wonderful woman meet an early demise? Hadn't he seen her recently? Hadn't he seen her alive and well?

'Remus,' Sirius said softly, wanting to reach out for Remus's hand and clasp it within his own, but remembering that they were in the Leaky Cauldron and people were watching. 'Why didn't you tell me this before? Why now?'

Remus looked down, his hands fidgeting in the way Sirius remembered so well. For a second, he felt a wave of unknown emotion towards the werewolf, and without Sirius even asking, Remus looked up into his eyes, as if reading into Sirius's mind. 'I wasn't ready,' Remus replied softly, 'to talk about it. I just...' He trailed off, not knowing what more to say.

Sirius's heart clenched. He didn't think about it, didn't look around, but just laid a hand on Remus's shoulder and squeezed, trying to show that he was there. Sirius wanted Remus to know that no matter how much had come between them, Sirius was still human and Remus was still a friend. It was true that Sirius got angry a lot at Remus; it was true that most of the time he was caught

between a limbo of love and hate when it came to the two of the them; it was also true that James had been wrong about Remus not changing because in Sirius's eyes, he had, drastically so. In the end, however, Sirius found he could not hate Remus or be cruel to him when Remus came to him with large amber eyes, a heavy heart, and news of the last of his family finally falling away. It just wasn't done.

'I haven't told James and Lily yet,' Remus confessed. 'Do you think they'll be angry?'

Sirius smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. 'They'll be fine. They might be a bit upset, but they'll understand...' Remus nodded and Sirius let his hand fall from Remus's shoulder. 'Look, if you're done with your drink, how about we go out for a bit of a walk, eh?'

'Okay,' Remus said, standing up. Sirius tossed in a few coins before Remus had the chance to pay for it. 'You didn't have to-'

Sirius cut off his protests with a sharp wave of his hand. 'Prongs tells me you haven't been to the last few Order meetings. How come?'

Remus shrugged. 'Dumbledore asked me to lay low for a while; not do any missions. I keep up to date with the proceedings, but that's all I'm allowed to do.'

Any suspicions about Remus that might have quelled during Sirius's intern trip to Ukraine rose yet again. Dumbledore had asked Remus to stop participating in missions? Why? Did he suspect something? Was Remus not as trustworthy anymore? Hundreds of questions plagued his mind, and Sirius quickly shook his head, remembering that this time was supposed to be for comforting Remus. He'd dwell on everything later but now, Sirius would concentrate on Remus and how make sure he was all right.

Remus turned towards him, eyes reflecting the gold and pink hues of the evening sky and making his face glow with ethereal beauty. 'I really appreciate you taking your time to listen to my nonsense, Sirius. I know we haven't been the best of friends lately and I know it's mostly because I-'

Sirius cut him off with a fierce hug, damn if anybody was looking. 'Don't talk,' he whispered, keeping a firm hand on the small of Remus's back so that he wouldn't be able to pull away. 'Don't say anything. It just makes things worse between us.' He felt Remus stiffen against him and inhale shakily.

'I-' Remus choked on his words. 'That's not what I was trying to do,' he replied, his hair slipping between Sirius's fingers as he moved away. Sirius felt as if he'd experienced a heavy loss as he looked at Remus's hurt face. 'I didn't-'

Sirius closed his eyes, hand rising up to massage his temples.

'I'm sorry,' Remus said softly, 'How many times do I have to tell you that to get you to forgive me? Why can't you-'

'I don't want to argue, Remus, please.' Sirius looked around and then finding the streets somewhat deserted due to the upcoming curfew, cupped Remus's cheek with one hand. 'I'm sorry about your mother. I can't tell you I know how you feel, but she was really wonderful, and I'd like to visit her grave once if you'll let me.'

Remus nodded, his cheek brushing against Sirius's palm – it really was as soft as it looked.

There was an old man staring at them quite openly, so Sirius let his hand drop. 'Look, I'll be going

over to visit Harry now, so if you'd like to...'

Remus shook his head, moving so that there was a great big space between them. 'Tomorrow. It's almost curfew, and I promised Elf I'd pick him up from the shop.'

Sirius felt his anger suddenly rise. 'Elphias is here?'

Remus nodded, walking away even further from Sirius. 'It's nearing Quidditch season, so he's had to work late this week.'

Sirius scowled. 'So he can apparate himself, can't he? What does he need you for?'

'Elf likes riding in the car sometimes,' Remus replied, frowning and stuffing his hand in his right pocket where Sirius assumed his car key was. 'He does a lot for me, so I let him have a bit of fun sometimes.'

Sirius snorted derisively. 'How typical of you to put it into such polished and careful words...bit of fun indeed.' If Elphias had been here in front of him, Sirius would have taken the pleasure of wringing his neck with his bare hands.

Remus grimaced, his lips pulling downwards. 'Sirius, what's your problem? One minute, you're fine and then you're suddenly throwing a tantrum for no reason. What the hell is wrong with you?'

'There is nothing wrong with me,' Sirius replied through gritted teeth.

Remus threw his hands up, exasperated. 'You know what, fine. Have it your way. I just, I don't know why I bother coming to you anymore. You obviously can't stand the sight of me and I just keep trying to-'

Sirius grabbed Remus tightly by the wrist before he could get too far. 'Remus, that's not it. That's not...I just...I don't like Elphias. I don't like that he stays with you. There's something not right about him. He-'

'He doesn't hurt me,' Remus spat, glaring daggers into Sirius.

Sirius recoiled, but didn't not let go of Remus's hand. Vaguely, he could feel Remus's pulse quickening beneath his fingers. 'Remus, does he...' He wanted to ask, to know for sure. '...have you two...' He could, he could say it, yet the words refused to form into coherent sentences.

'Look, Sirius,' Remus said quietly, extricating his hand from Sirius's grip. 'I'll see you around, okay. It's getting late and I don't want Elf getting into trouble.'

Sirius moved away, walking backwards with a scowl upon his face. 'Fine' he spat to Remus's retreating back. When Remus didn't answer or even look back, he screamed with all the built up rage in him, uncaring to the few people around him or the streetlights flickering due to uncontrolled magic. 'FINE!'

'We fuck, Mr. Black.'

xxx

'Happy belated birthday, Harry!' James handed Harry over to Remus, who promptly hoisted the child up on his shoulders. 'Look what I got you,' Remus cooed, rummaging in his jacket pocket and producing a small golden ball the size of a walnut. It slowly unfurled, revealing its delicate wings

after an insistent nudge from Remus's thumb.

'Merlin, it's my old snitch!' James cried, shuffling in for a closer look. 'I didn't know you still had it!'

Remus grinned. 'I fixed the wing a bit and modified the charms so that it moves slower for Harry and keeps to the house. Do you like it, Harry?' He bounced Harry a little, handing him the snitch to play with. Harry liked it so much that he promptly put it in his mouth.

'Harry, no,' James scolded, 'spit it out. Come on, lad. No eating birthday presents.' Harry obviously didn't believe in the rule because he turned his face away defiantly when James extended his palm up for the ball. 'Remus, help me out, will you, mate? You're a bit too tall for me to reach.'

Remus brought Harry down from his shoulders and James, after a lot of pulling and struggling, finally got the snitch out of his child's mouth. 'Moo!' Harry yelled and clutched at Remus's shirt, before he burst out crying.

'You're child is speaking cow, Prongs,' Remus laughed, as he patted Harry on the back soothingly.

James thwacked him on the head. 'He's trying to say your name, and you know it,' he replied, steering Remus into the dining room. 'Lily's making us practice "tough love" on him, so he knows he'll only get his way if you or Padfoot are around.'

'Pads!' Harry screamed through his tears when he noticed that Remus wasn't getting his new ball back. "Pads!'

Remus chuckled, ruffling Harry's hair. 'Smart little bugger.'

'Hm, your gift goes with Harry's new broom. He's been zooming around on it since yesterday and it's driving Lily up the wall.' James's tone was proud, clearly saying that he didn't have any problems with Harry's little escapades with his broom. 'Padfoot's make up birthday gift apparently.'

Remus winced slightly at the mention of Sirius's name, not hard but noticeable by James. 'He missed Harry's birthday? Really?'

James shrugged. 'Except for Peter, all of you did. It was a working day, I know, I know,' James waved off Remus's apologies before he even said it. 'Lily and Harry went around a little, and I took them out for dinner later, so we had fun.'

'Remus, you're here!' Lily enveloped Remus into a tight hug as soon as she entered the room, squeezing Harry in between. 'I was afraid you'd call last minute and cancel. Dinner's nearly ready, so just sit and chat for a while, okay?' She scurried off as quickly as she'd entered, Remus not having the chance to say a word in between.

James laughed at Remus's gobsmacked expression. 'She's been cooking all day. It's Harry's first birthday celebration, you know.'

'Haven't seen her this enthusiastic since your wedding,' Remus replied, letting Harry sit facing him on the table, his legs swinging happily. 'How come the others aren't here yet? I thought you said we weren't to be late.'

James looked at Remus a little guiltily as he sat across from him. He hoped Remus wouldn't be too angry. 'It's just Padfoot left really.'

Remus's eyes widened. 'What about Wormtail?'

James looked at Harry. 'We didn't invite him. Lily and I thought that maybe you and Sirius could-'

Remus stood up abruptly, sending his chair toppling to the ground. 'Prongs, you cannot be serious.'

James quickly grabbed Remus by the arm, forcing him to sit down. Harry tugged on his sleeve for fun as well and was saved from nearly toppling off the table due to Remus's quick reflexes. 'Look, just listen to me, all right? It's just that you and Sirius have been getting on quite well-'

'Quite well!' Remus cried disbelievingly. 'Quite well? If by quite well you mean he blows his bleeding head every time he sees me, then yes, perhaps we're getting along extremely well. For the love of Merlin, Prongs, how could you-'

'He loves you,' James interrupted. 'Bullocks,' Remus scoffed.

'I really think this could work out, Moony,' James pleaded. 'Honestly. I mean, Sirius has cooled down a lot, and I think that if you talked a bit, you really have a chance of getting back together.'

Remus said nothing, but his breath came out controlled and suppressed as if fighting back some strong emotion.

'We miss you. Harry misses you. You're hardly there anymore and Harry calls for you every time he sees Padfoot.' James looked at Harry, knowing that he was playing the child card to his advantage; that Remus would concede if Harry's name was mentioned at all. 'He can't even grasp the concept of a Padfoot without Moony.' James slung an arm around Remus's shoulder, shaking him amiably. 'Just give it a try, yeah, for Harry...'

Remus never had a chance to answer because Lily entered right then, levitating Merlin knew how many dishes and setting them neatly on the table before sitting opposite to James. 'All done.'

'Smells delicious, Lily,' Remus said, smiling and James took it as a way for Remus to say, yes, to his suggestion.

'So, Remus, you never told me earlier, what's your secret behind the haircut?' Lily asked, reaching out to ruffle Remus's hair. Harry copied her movement, yanking on Remus's hair and laughing when James tickled him under his arms in an attempt to let go.

'There's no secret. Elf wanted to cut it, so I let him.'

James laughed. 'You know, in all the years I've known you, I don't think I've ever seen you with short hair. Hell, you had the longest hair amongst us boys even back in first year!'

Remus blushed, and Lily pushed James lightly on the shoulder. 'I think you look very handsome, Remus. Elphias did a lovely job of it.'

'Don't tell him that,' Remus warned jokingly, 'he'll take it as permission to grope you.'

'He seems very happy these days,' Lily commented idly, 'it's good of you to take care of him like that. I don't think anyone else would have taken him in even. Most of the Order still thinks he's a bit of a child really.'

Remus smiled. 'Would you believe it if I told you he takes care of me?' 'Oh?'

'He earns his way into the house, even though he doesn't have to,' Remus explained. 'He might be immature but he's definitely not a child. No one in the Order has given him the chance to prove that yet.'

James eyebrows rose in surprise. 'You seem close.'

Remus shrugged, but said nothing, leaving James to wonder if there was more to Remus and Elphias's relationship than what met the eye. He looked at Lily to see if she was thinking the same thing, but she had already started a new topic of conversation with Remus and the two of them were happily chatting away with each other. Not wanting to be left out, Harry joined in with his unintelligible babbles and James took it as an invitation to start talking as well, vaguely wondering where Sirius had gotten to.

In fact, it came to a point where the food was getting cold and they were all tired of waiting for Sirius to arrive, so Lily had suggested they put Harry to bed and start dinner while it was still edible. It was when James was in the middle of a particularly amusing story about Quaffles and Bludgers that the doorbell finally rang. James had reluctantly gone to answer the door and abandoned his punch line. He received the shock of his life when Sirius entered without so much as a hello, smelling strongly of booze and sex. He had another equally disheveled man strapped under his left arm.

It didn't escape James's notice that the man had exactly the same shade of brown hair as Remus.

'Sirius is here,' James announced gravely, as they walked into the dining room; or in Sirius's case, stumbled quite ungracefully into it. He had a very bad feeling about this and as James glanced at Remus through the corner of his eyes, he knew it wasn't without reason. 'He brought along a guest, it seems.'

'Philip Chapman,' the other man slurred, ironically choosing to introduce himself to Remus first.

Remus nodded stiffly, his face impassive and closed down. It looked an odd contrast to the smile he'd been wearing only minutes before. 'Pleasure,' he replied politely, before resuming his eating.

James mused at how in control Remus was. Had it been Lily in Sirius's place, James would have ripped the other man's throat. ''Why are you late? Harry fell asleep waiting for you.' James scolded, ignoring the warning glares he received from his wife.

'Got caught up,' Sirius replied distractedly, as he buried his face in Chapman's neck and sucked on the skin there, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Remus's grip on his fork tightened, but he said nothing. He kept a strong focus on his plate, and Lily shot a worried glance at him and James. 'Sirius, we're here for dinner,' Lily said in a low, dangerous voice.

'Mm, sorry,' Sirius replied back, not looking sorry at all and not ceasing his ministrations on Chapman, who seemed to have as much table manners and courtesy as Sirius. Sirius's hands were wandering under the table, and James really didn't want to know what they were doing or where they'd been previously.

'Sirius!'

Sirius smirked wickedly and moved away only slightly. The two of them were still sticking to each other sickeningly, and James couldn't stop his lip from curling in disgust at their display. 'Can't help it,' Sirius purred lowly, shooting Remus a daring look before resuming his staring at

Chapman, who growled in approval.

Both Lily and Remus's jaws twitched, and then there was a simultaneous clatter of silverware as Sirius pulled Chapman into an aggressive kiss, tounge first and skill nonexistent. James stared open mouthed, completely taken by shock. He looked at Lily and saw her mirroring the sentiment and suddenly, James realised why. They'd never seen Sirius kiss a man before. As long as Remus and Sirius had been together, they'd never publicly shown affection for each other, even in front of their best friends. In fact, the most James had ever seen Remus and Sirius do was hold hands and exchange flirtatious comments.

And now...

James blinked, trying to dispel the sick feeling in his stomach and turned his focus to Remus instead, only to find that Remus had left. Lily seemed to have noticed this before he did and was about to go after their friend, but James stopped her with a hand of her shoulder and ran out as fast as he could.

'Moony, wait! Remus!'

Remus whipped around, his face livid and his hair flying above his head from the slight breeze in

the air. 'What, Prongs? What more could you possibly want from me?'

James stopped, hands on his knees as he panted out his concern. 'Just...are you alright?'

Remus laughed bitterly. 'Am I alright? Bloody hell, Prongs, no!' he cried, his voice echoing sorrowfully in the relatively empty neighbourhood. 'I'm not even close! I'm a wreck, is that what you wanted to hear?'

James approached him slowly, cautiously resting a hand upon his shoulder. 'Moony, look, I know you're upset. Fuck, I would be too, but just stay for dinner. We'll-'

'No!' Remus screamed, looking so dangerous that even James had to step back. 'No, James, I'm not doing anything you ask of me, alright? So just stop it! Just-' He took a deep shuddery breath and James saw the beginnings of tears form in his eyes. 'Just stop trying to put me and Sirius together; stop all these ridiculous schemes and plots! This isn't a prank that you can just think up and have fun with, okay? This is my life! This is my life!'

James felt his throat close; this was his fault. All of this, it was his fault. 'Remus, I'm sorry. I just thought that if I-'

'If you what, Prongs?' Remus snapped.

James stuttered, 'If I-'

Remus moved away, hands fisting in his hair. 'He hates me, am I the only one who sees it? He hates my fucking guts, so just get it in your head that it's over.'

'Remus...'

'Do you know how I know this, Prongs?' Remus asked slightly more calmly. When James didn't answer, Remus choked out his answer, his tears falling freely down his cheeks. 'I can't feel him,' he replied, to James's utter confusion. It was when James noticed that Remus's hand was placed over his heart that he finally understood what Remus was talking about.

The bond – their special connection that deep down, both James and Lily had always envied

slightly.

James looked up at Remus's face – wet and red from all the screaming, his eyelashes clumped together and his hair sticking to the corners of his face. It was the first time James was seeing Remus cry. He had come close once, after Sirius's deadly prank, but James hadn't allowed it then, and Remus had agreed and gathered himself together. But now, Remus, one of the strongest people James knew, was shivering and shaking from the weight of his tears, and James had indirectly been the cause of it.

'Please just let me be, James, please. I'm begging you,' Remus pleaded quietly, walking further away when James reached out to touch him. 'Just give me some time alone. Just let me breathe again, yeah?'

As Remus disapparated, James knew that their friendship was officially broken; that Remus would never come to him if he needed help or even just a friend. In fact, he didn't know it then, but neither James nor Lily would see Remus until mid September. James felt as if he'd officially managed to chase Remus away, crying, and the very thought sent such an unspeakable, all- consuming rage through him that he nearly shook from the pressure of it.

James had completely lost his mind after that, not even aware of how much pain he was causing as he marched back into the house and slammed Sirius roughly against the wall. 'WHAT THE SODDING HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU BASTARD?'

'James!' Lily cried, immediately pulling at his shoulder. James ignored her, but had the presence of mind to notice that she'd somehow gotten rid that bastard, Philip Chapman. It was a good thing, too because James would have killed him.

James's fists tightened on the collar of Sirius's shirt, raising him a good few inches off the ground despite being noticeably shorter. 'HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU JUST...'

'I CAN DO WHATEVER I PLEASE!' Sirius screamed, spittle flying out. 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO STOP ME?'

James felt as if his head was going to explode. 'YOU'RE RIGHT! WHO THE FUCK AM I? JUST SOME CRAZY OLD CHAP LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, YEAH? WHY WOULD YOU NEED SOMEONE LIKE THAT?'

Sirius struggled, his nails digging into James's skin as he tried to pry off James's hands. 'LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARD!'

'James, stop it!'

'NO,' James yelled, pushing Sirius hard so that his head collided with a wall painfully. 'NOT UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I'VE WARNED YOU BEFORE! NO ONE, SIRIUS, AND I MEAN, NO ONE FUCKS WITH MOONY, YOU GET THAT?'

Sirius looked at him incredulously for a while before bursting out into hysterical laughter. Shocked at Sirius's manic behaviour, James nearly let him go. 'Too late, James,' Sirius spat venomously, 'because that cockney slut already has his dirty hands on him.'

It took a very long time for James to understand what and who Sirius was talking about; and then it clicked. Elphias. James shook his head to himself, unable to comprehend the lengths Sirius would go to, to prove a point, to exact revenge. 'I can't believe you, Sirius. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU! You're jealous! After all you've done, you're jealous?'

Sirius's nostrils flared. 'I'm not-'

But James wasn't listening anymore. He was sick, and tired, and so very angry. There was a limit. There was a limit to how much brotherhood could do and there was a limit to how much he could stand of this nonsense, and both of them had been crossed today the minute Remus had shed a tear. 'You spread your legs wide for everybody thinking you'll get a replacement for Remus, and when there might be the slightest indication that Remus might have found someone else, you can't stand it, can you? You can't stand him being happy! Fuck you, you sick bastard!'

'James, just calm down.'

James let Sirius drop, wiping his hands on his trousers as if he'd been touching filth this whole time. 'Get out,' he whispered dangerously, jaw set and eyes steely as he glared at Sirius, disgusted by the stink of alcohol emanating from him and the entirely unrepentant look on his face.

'James, there's no need to-'

'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!'

xxx

Remus slammed the door shut so hard that the hinges shook and fell off. His fists were clenched so tight that they were threatening to draw blood and in some sick way, it felt good. It felt good to draw blood when you were angry, even if was your own. It felt even better to punch something, and Remus had never longed to get into a fight more his entire life. He needed to hit, to scream, to vent his anger off somewhere before he exploded. He didn't know who he was furious at more; Sirius, for so casually displaying his conquests, or himself for actually reacting so violently to it, despite his logical mind telling him that the two of them were no longer together and Sirius could do whatever and whomever he wanted.

It hurt. It hurt so much that for the first time, Remus was opting for Sirius's method and expressing himself through anger and rage. It was a lot easier than breaking down and surrendering to his emotions. It was a lot easier than just falling down on his knees and crying himself dry. The tears were useless, so Remus decided he would break the vase that lay innocently on the centre table.

That was when he noticed the blood on his floor and felt his anger get replaced by confusion, then concern. 'Elf?' he called out, even though he knew the young boy was supposed to be on a mission. 'Elphias?'

Elphias stumbled out of the kitchen door, wide eyed and holding a bloody hand to his shoulder. 'Remy! You're 'ome early! I'm sorry! I was goin' to clean up, 'onest! I'm makin' a right mess, but-'

'Merlin, Elphias, you're bleeding! Shut up and sit down, for God's sake!' Remus scolded, grabbing the boy by his elbow and forcing him to sit down on the couch, despite his numerous protests about staining, and cleaning, and other sorts of Elphiasian rubbish. 'What happened?' Remus asked, quickly and easily ripping the shoulder of Elphias's robe to get better access to the wound.

'S not as bad as rippin' my only set o' robes,' Elphias grouched.

A lot of the material of Elphias's robes had somehow fused with the skin and gathered inside the already deep cut on his shoulder. 'What hex is this?' Remus asked with his brows furrowed. Wizards rarely used physically wounding hexes; cuts and bruises were never as much as a symptom as pain or extra appendages.

'Couple o' them together, I s'pose,' Elphias replied, wincing as Remus tried to clean his cut with his wand.

When it didn't seem to be getting anywhere, Remus summoned a few potions and a pair of pincers. Remus only knew one person who had ever attacked anyone with hexes that cut, but that person was back in school and a somewhat distant memory. Sectusempra. Remus didn't want to think about it, so he pushed it to the back of his mind.

Elphias hissed in pain and leant his head against Remus's shoulder for support, breathing heavily. 'Hurts,' he whined, clutching at Remus's shirt tightly and staining it with his own blood.

Remus put a reassuring hand on top of Elphias's head. 'Just a bit more. It's deep, so you're lucky it didn't get infected.'

Elphias nodded, his breath coming out in short bursts. 'I watched Ms. Meadows fall.' Remus's hands stilled momentarily before he went back to work.

'The Healers ain't sure if she'll make it,' Elphias continued. 'Merlin, me ol' man woulda hexed me if he saw me today. Pathetic.'

'You're the best dueler there, Elf,' Remus chided softly.

'Wasn' payin' attention. Wasn' quick 'nough. Speed, tha's wha' I was taught, you know,' Elphias condescended himself, digging his face further into Remus's shoulder. 'Me ol' man use to say tha' a half-pint like me always has advantage of speed.'

'Hush, Elf, and test your shoulder to see if it's alright,' Remus said softly.

Elphias wiggled his shoulder slightly, making a keening noise where the wound might have pained him. He didn't protest however and used his newly healed shoulder to wrap his arms around Remus, his head adjusting to pillow more comfortably against Remus's chest. 'Need a drink,' he muttered into Remus's shirt. 'We could go to Queen's?'

'London's dangerous at this time,' Remus explained, feeling sudden fondness for this boy who so easily belittled all of Remus's worries with his pleas for affection and his troubled thinking. 'Tomorrow, I promise.'

'And you'll dance wit' me?' Elphias asked hopefully, looking up at Remus with bright eyes.

'Sure,' Remus smiled. 'And I'll even watch you pull. How does that sound, eh?'

Elphias nodded, settling his head back against Remus's chest. 'You smell nice,' he commented casually, as if talking about the weather. 'You was angry when you came in. Was somethin' worryin' you? Didn' the dinner go well?'

Remus sighed heavily and rested his chin on top of Elphias's head. 'I'm fine,' he replied, burying more of himself under the dirt where it belonged.

xxx

'Moony!' James didn't even give Remus the chance to get out of the floo before enveloping him in a desperate hug, causing soot and dust to rise above their heads and fall back again. Peter patted James on the back awkwardly as he got out after Remus, but James couldn't care less. They didn't

understand. None of them did except perhaps Remus. 'I don't know what to do, Moony, I don't know...I can't go and...I-I-'

'How did this happen, Prongs?' Remus asked, his tone sounding calm and comforting to James's ears after listening to almost an hour's worth of crying, bad news, and uncomfortable silence.

James shook his head, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. 'I don't know. There are Aurors at the Prophet headquarters, but they reckon the explosion was caused by Muggles. There's no indication of magic whatsoever, but they're relocating just in case.'

Remus nodded. 'Peter told me.' He looked past James's shoulder, probably at Sirius who had been sitting there stoic on the sofa ever since he arrived to the Potter Manor. 'How is he?'

At the mention of his father, James felt a fresh wave of tears grip him. 'He's dying,' he choked out, and Remus pulled him into another embrace, patting his back reassuringly. 'After his last attack, the Healers had warned us something like this could happen, but we didn't think-'

'I know,' Remus whispered, 'it's okay. It's okay.'

'He should have retired ages ago. He should have, but he never listens and he wanted to work. Remus, I can't-'

'Does Lily know?'

James shook his head, sniffing and hoping he didn't get Remus's shoulder too wet. He felt slightly ashamed for relying on his friend so much, especially when this friend has had nothing but grief from him and was probably in more pain than he was at the moment. 'She and Harry are visiting her parents...they live in a muggle area, so...'

Remus nodded, turning to Peter, who was standing awkwardly beside them and shifting from foot to foot. 'Peter, can you apparate there and fetch Lily, please? I'm sure she'd like to know.'

Peter nodded, walking out of the room without a word.

'How did you do this?' James asked, feeling sick; feeling as if he needed to kill himself to make all this stop. 'How did you...with your parents? How did you stand this, Remus?'

Remus smiled kindly. 'I had my friends and so do you,' he replied and James couldn't have been more grateful at that very moment. 'Anything you need, James...' He left the sentence unfinished, but James knew what he meant and that was all that mattered. 'Is Mr. Potter asleep?'

James shrugged, sniffing. 'I haven't had the courage to see him since the Healer announced there was nothing they could do. I don't want to watch my dad die, Moony.'

'Your dad doesn't want to die alone, James,' Remus replied softly, a firm hand placed on James's shoulder. 'He'll want you there for him and this isn't the time for you to be selfish.'

Remus was right of course, he always was, so James took a deep breath, pulled himself together, and nodded firmly. He received a pat on the back in return and as he left, Remus quickly wiped away James's stray tears with the back of his hand. 'You'll do fine,' he whispered, and James felt that the statement might not be entirely true, but it didn't hurt to try.

James had gotten as far as the door to the bedroom when he'd heard his father coughing and lost his nerve. He turned, practically running back towards the living room, promptly deciding that he'd wait until Peter brought Lily. Lily was braver than he was and would bring him infinite strength

and comfort in a way that only a wife could. As the coughing grew louder, James quickened his pace, his heart threatening to explode and his eyes stinging from suppressed emotions. He was being a coward, he knew, but things were easier said than done, and this was his father, damn it. His father who had been a strong, powerful, and intelligent man; who had done nothing to deserve this. He had tried to bring justice to the wizard world, and this is what he'd gotten in return. His father had sunk with his ship, the newspaper he'd worked and given his life too.

James was about to burst into the living room when he saw something that made him skid on his heels and his jaw drop.

Sirius and Remus were in a tight embrace and there was an unmistakable tone of tears in Sirius's voice as he spoke, for the first time in months, to Remus. 'I don't know what to do anymore,' Sirius cried into Remus's neck, his voice muffled. 'I haven't talked to James in over a month, and I...I don't think they want me here, Moony.'

Moony. Sirius never called Remus Moony anymore. It had started even before their breakup, back when their relationship had gotten too impersonal.

'He's as good as your father, Sirius,' Remus said softly, making James wonder how much strength it took to be holding and comforting the man who had brought him to tears not too long ago. 'Maybe more because you actually loved him and James would want you here more than anyone else.'

Sirius sniffed, holding Remus unbearably tight, and James had to move back a little more to stay hidden. 'Fuck, I was so awful to him, Remus. I was just...I couldn't even comfort him. He was crying for hours before you came, and I didn't do anything. I'm just so-'

'Shh,' Remus soothed, rocking their bodies together and running his hair through thick, black hair. 'You were upset. It's okay.'

Sirius shook his head, looking up at Remus as he wiped his blotchy face. His cheeks and nose were red from all the crying he must have been doing, and there was an odd imprint of Remus's jacket beside his left eye where he'd rested his head. For a moment, it seemed time stood still and they were gazing as if they'd never seen each other before. As if it was the first time they'd met; as if they were falling in love all over again...

It was one of those moments that James and Lily often shared, when James couldn't believe how lucky he was to have the person he loved in his arms; when he found it crazy just how much he'd do for Lily and how much he'd give up just to see a smile on her face. It was one of those moments where no one and nothing existed beyond the two of them.

Sirius's hand came up to touch Remus's cheek softly, his thumb moving gently to the flutter of Remus's eyes. 'Remus,' he whispered low before leaning down to kiss him softly. James looked away after that, feeling like an intruder during an intimate moment between his two best friends. Inwardly, he couldn't help but feel tiny bubbles happiness burst through all his sorrow at the thought of his friends getting back together. Perhaps the Marauders weren't dead after all; perhaps Remus and Sirius getting back together was the start of all things good or at least a weld in the broken link.

'I'm sorry,' James heard Sirius say after a while, and he looked back at them to see Remus's arms fall from Sirius's waist. 'I shouldn't have...I don't know what I was thinking.'

Remus backed away, leaving a vast gap between them. 'It's okay. Don't worry about it. It was cheap,' Remus said resentfully, looking down at his feet, 'convenient.' His voice might have sounded mournful, but when Remus looked up again, his face had put on a brave front. Remus had

gotten so good at hiding his emotions that for a second, James actually believed that the kiss had not happened; that maybe somehow he was imagining things.

'Remus, that's not-'

Remus turned his back to him, taking a deep breath as he said, 'Go to your family, Sirius. They need you.'

It wasn't until Remus had thrown the floo powder into the flames that Sirius, body trembling and fist clenching, asked the question James would always remember as a turning point, 'Why are you doing this, Remus?' His voice wavered, and Sirius scrubbed at his face angrily. 'Why are you always so good to me?'

Remus smiled bitterly. 'You just don't get it, do you?' he asked, one foot already in the fireplace. 'Sirius, I love you. There is no reason.' Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes, ready to disappear into the flames when Sirius ran and caught him by the arm.

'I can't do this anymore,' he cried, pulling an astonished Remus to him. When Remus struggled in his embrace, Sirius only held him tighter, effectively locking his arms together. 'I can't. I don't care what they say. I don't care if you're a Death Eater. I don't-'

Through Sirius's babbling, everything spilled out: how Sirius thought Remus was the spy; how his suspicions were still there stronger than ever; how Peter and so many other people and the Prophet kept talking about werewolves and their disloyalty. Sirius cried through his inconsistent explanations of how he had fought against all these accusations, but came to believe them when they threatened to overwhelm him and Remus got too distant to talk to anymore. Sirius told him everything, even the people he'd slept with in his attempt to forget Remus; how he'd pretended to be friends with Remus to spy on him; how he'd punched Elphias and got into fights over Remus and deliberately wanted to hurt Remus on Harry's birthday to make him feel what he felt.

The truth leaked out of Sirius uncontrollably and in a rush of words, like water from a broken dam. There were things even James didn't know and through half of it, he wasn't even sure who Sirius was anymore. If Sirius was truly the same boy he'd called his brother all these years; if he'd been that blind to the conflicts in Sirius's head and unable to solve anything or help his two best friends. In the end, James wasn't even sure if he hated Sirius, loved him, or just felt sorry for him.

Towards the end, James couldn't even stand looking at Remus; couldn't bear to think of what he had to be going through as he was locked in Sirius's grip and forced to listen to everything that had been done against him. James made the mistake of trying to get a glimpse of Remus as they disentangled and immediately regretted it as he saw nothing but flotsam and devastation. Remus looked as if something inside of him had just simply shriveled up and died, leaving him a shell of an empty human being. James wanted to scream, to yell at everyone and especially God for making things so difficult all the time, for seemingly putting all of them through every single tragedy possible. He wanted to hit Sirius and hug him at the same time for having finally come to his senses or lost it enough to confront Remus, to admit to everything he'd done and finally feel sorry for it.

Mostly, he wanted to run after Remus as he turned a deaf ear to Sirius's cries for him tocome back and please just talk to him, or look at him, or anything, and tell him that he hadn't just made a big mistake spilling all these secrets. He wanted to grab Remus by the shoulders and pull him back as he walked almost pale and zombie-like into the fireplace. Remus's voice came out hoarse and dry as he muttered 'Hogwarts' before disappearing into the flames.

Sirius was breathing hard from the constant wave of tears he seemed to be submerged in, and James

hesitated before walking away to let Sirius gather himself up on his own and retain the little dignity he had left. James sat outside his father's door for half an hour listening to his mother's soothing voice as she talked to his father about everyday things. He sat there until Sirius had entered with Lily and Peter on either side of him.

And when Sirius looked at him, frightened and hesitant, James smiled weakly. Sirius nodded, placing a firm hand on James's shoulder and guiding him into the room.

xxx

ALASTOR MOODY'S SUCCESSFUL DEATH EATER RAID!

Theodore Wanes, Daily Prophet Reporter

'Our tactics are being revised, our forces being retrained. These attacks will end and that is my promise to you.'

These were the determined words of Alastor Moody when questioned last month about the escalating rise in Death Eater assaults on muggle born and half blood wizards. The promise has apparently not been forgotten as the DMLE marched into the Pettigrew residence last night for a full house search after receiving reports of suspicious Death Eater activities from an unnamed source.

Sources report that the aurors found many stolen documents from the Ministry itself, Dark equipments, and the signature mask of Voldemort's followers all underneath a well concealed trap door in the basement. Peter Pettigrew was arrested at 2:15 AM, 18th of September, 1981.

Mrs. Donna Pettigrew, Peter Pettigrew's mother, denied all accusations and continues with the firm belief that her son is being set up. Whether she has been actively involved in Death Eater activities remains to be questioned, and she is being held in court until her innocence is confirmed. The Pettigrew trial is scheduled for the 19th of September, 1981.

Bartemius Crouch, Head Judge and candidate for the next minister commented on the matter, 'Pettigrew's capture should be taken as a warning to all the other Death Eaters out there. Our forces have tightened and we are fighting back.' When asked if they have managed to gain any lead on the ongoing Death Eater activities, Crouch has this to say, 'We have offered to lessen Pettigrew's sentence in exchange for information on Voldemort and his followers, and have full confidence that Pettigrew will agree to help us.'

For more information on the Pettigrew trial, turn to page 5.

chapter 29

17th September, 1981

Numb.

Remus was numb to everything; to his feelings, to the flames that surrounded him and licked at his skin hungrily, to the dizzying feeling of his head spinning as he fell out of the Hogwarts Floo and into Dumbledore's office. He didn't want to think, not about anything or anyone especially. He didn't want to listen anymore, or know anymore, or even breathe. He just...

'Ah, Remus, I assume you're here to pick up young Elphias. He's down at Hagrid's, but he'll be here shortly so-' Dumbledore who had been steadily gazing at his Pensive since Remus's arrival, looked up in alarm. 'Remus, my boy, are you quite all right?'

Remus stood up, not bothering to brush the soot off his clothes as he stumbled heavily into the nearest chair. He noticed a silvery face – enormous glasses and chains of odd beads – slowly dissolve into the contents of the Pensive, an almost haunting, but unintelligible voice echoing behind. 'Professor,' Remus forced out, finding it hard to simply talk; his throat had closed up too tight and too restricting. 'You told me that if I ever had any... any trouble...I could always come to you.'

'And the offer still stands,' Dumbledore replied kindly, settling back in his seat and adjusting his half moon glasses to give Remus his full attention.

Remus wished he could look the Professor in the eye, but his head didn't seem to want to move (I'm not worthy) from its bowed position. 'I have...a theory, sir. I might be wrong but...I've heard some things and perhaps...you could...'

Dumbledore must have nodded his ascent, but Remus didn't see it. He felt unacknowledged, in fact, until Dumbledore put a reassuring hand on the crown of his head and forced his head to lift up enough so that he was no longer hiding behind his uneven hair. His head swam as he looked at Dumbledore, and he lost the steady concentration of thoughts he'd kept up for so long momentarily. His weakness must have been very obvious because Dumbledore put a steadying hand upon his shoulder, using the other hand to pour a drink with his wand.

'It'll help,' Dumbledore said softly as he pressed the glass into Remus's hands.

Absinthe, Remus realised as he stared at the milky opalescence bubbling inside the glass, not Firewhisky. He gulped it down in one go, wincing as it burned down his throat and brought the world around him to a sharper focus.

'I think I know who the spy is,' Remus swallowed, looking longingly at his glass and wishing Dumbledore would fill it one more time. His thoughts were coming much more clearly now – piecing together with better definition as he talked and wondered why he hadn't realised it sooner. Why something so obvious had completely escaped his notice.

Because he's your friend.

It was the beginning of his uninterrupted explanations. Remus told Dumbledore everything Sirius had just confessed to him with a heavy heart. He carefully kept the details of their relationship or lack thereof, hidden, though Remus suspected that Dumbledore knew if the sympathetic expression on his face was anything to go by. Remus added in a few things of his own, things he'd noticed such as Peter's long absences, the secrecy with his work, the uncanny knack of knowing what was happening before everyone else did. He even recalled an edited version of the conversation he'd had with Peter not too long ago, the one where Peter had asked him if he trusted Sirius. Vaguely, as Remus retold all his encounters, he wondered what his answer would be if Peter asked the same question again.

Remus already knew why Peter would go to such levels; he had always tried to play with the big teams, to hide behind forces he knew would protect him. It made sense that Peter would join Voldemort at some level, but then again, it didn't. Peter had always been a decent fellow, a little cowardly but big hearted. He had always respected and adored James, copied and worshipped James's every move. So what had happened? What had they missed in between the complications of war and their own lives? When had Peter decided that his friends weren't enough anymore?

When he finally finished, Remus was breathing heavily and feeling heavier than he'd started out. Too many things had happened too quickly and everything seemed to be tearing holes through Remus's very being. He looked up at Dumbledore who looked both worried and contemplative, his wand slowly swirling the contents of the Pensive in front of him. Remus wondered warily which memory Dumbledore had chosen to look through and if it matched his suspicions about Peter.

'You're allegations are based on personal experiences, you realise,' Dumbledore said after a long time, eyes closed in thought. 'There's no solid ground of accusation, but your words.'

Remus nodded, hoping as well as dreading to be proved wrong. Perhaps he'd assumed things too quickly? He wanted to ask Dumbledore the verdict, but felt that he'd exhausted his speech. Remus no longer wanted to talk; he'd done his job and just wanted to be left alone.

'But it would certainly explain a lot of things.' There seemed to be an air of finality in Dumbledore's statement and when nothing more was said, Remus took it as a cue for him to leave. He nodded on last time at the old Headmaster, before turning towards the floo and going to the one place he knew would help him lose himself and forget everything, momentarily at least.

'Parson House!'

Remus discovered Parson House when he was twelve; it wasn't far from the town he lived in and his dad had driven by it on the way home from the station. It was in one of those houses that no one ever bothered to complete. There were many rumours as to why, ranging from the owners going bankrupt to them dying. Remus didn't particularly care because to him, the Parson House was tragically beautiful in its abandoned state. It stood alone, surrounded by overgrown grass that reached almost up to Remus's chest. There were no other houses nearby because the land was known for its unruly plant growth and odd soil, making it incapable of providing a proper foundation. Or so the experts said.

Remus had only come here once with Sirius after his Uncle Alphard had passed away and they had

ventured the house to find it empty save for a few mattresses, empty beer bottles, and an oddly orange fireplace. Spending time there had been a good way to find peace and lose themselves in a flurry of dust, rickety wood, and bright green grass.

It was for that very reason that Remus found himself falling out of the familiar orange fireplace, now chipped from age, and letting his feet carry him out of the house. He was gaining pace, he realised, as his feet started to move faster. The grass rustled noisily against his trousers, but not loud enough to drown the sounds of Sirius's voice that seemed embedded into his skull.

'I didn't want to believe it at first, and now I don't even care. I don't care if you're a Death Eater. I don't care even if you sell me off to Voldemort.'

Remus was running now, so fast that the grass surrounding him was nothing but a haze of bright green. All those years; all those years of giving every inch of himself to the people he thought cared about him. All those years he spent like a fool, thinking that nobody cared that he was a werewolf, that he could have genuine friends if he wanted to. He'd been pulled down lower than an animal in a matter of seconds.

'There is no werewolf resistance. I've looked through every paper, every article, every Ministry record I could possibly find. I didn't want to think Peter was right because I didn't want to think you would lie to me. But you did. You did, Remus, all the time when I think about it.'

They could have told him. They could have told them how they felt, and Remus would have left. James, and Lily, and Sirius...they didn't need to mock him that way; they didn't need to make him feel like he was worth something if they didn't mean it. He could have handled it. He could have handled it if they'd just let go of him instead of twisting and turning his arm till it finally broke.

'I just...I hated staying in the same room as you. I couldn't look at you without wondering if I was next. If it ever came down to killing me, would you?'

Remus wanted to scream. He wanted to scream till he lost his voice and couldn't speak anymore. He wanted to scream until the calm in the air around him broke and something phenomenal, anything decided to take pity on him and kill him already. He wanted to scream because he'd cried himself dry too many times and it had done nothing to relieve the pain that was slowly spreading across his body, consuming and overwhelming him. It was when Remus's knees collapsed underneath him that he realised he was screaming like a mad man, letting himself get swallowed by the overgrown grass.

He screamed, and screamed, and screamed until his head started pounding and his body was drained out of all energy. The dizzying wakefulness that the absinthe had provided him was slowly fading, and Remus welcomed the blurring of his thoughts and Sirius's voice. He panted in short sharp bursts, letting his body fall backwards and his legs spread across the expanse of grass underneath him.

Closing his eyes, he found that it was easier to shut his mind when he didn't have to look at the star(s) shining brightly above him.

'Remy?'

xxx

Elphias braved a few steps closer, shaking from both fear and shock of what he'd just seen. 'Remy?'

Remus's eyelashes fluttered in time with the heavy rise and fall of his chest. 'What are you doing here, Elf?' he asked, almost soundlessly. Elphias was surprised he could speak at all after having screamed that loud; he didn't think he'd ever seen Remus let go of himself. It frightened Elf more than a little.

'I followed you from Dumbledore's office,' Elphias replied cautiously, not sure whether the information would trigger another outburst from the werewolf or not. When Remus didn't reply or even acknowledge him, Elphias braved a seat beside him. 'I didn' mean to listen in, but-'

'You heard,' Remus finished solemnly. His eyes scrunched tight, but he refused to open them for some reason. Elphias wondered if he was fighting back tears perhaps and lay what he hoped was a comforting hand upon Remus's cheek.

'Sorry,' Elphias replied meekly, his hand rising up to brush back Remus's hair. He felt a little claustrophobic encased within the tall grass and wished he could see beyond it, even if just a little. 'Cor, where are we?'

'Rock bottom,' Remus snorted, before bursting out into hysterical laughter that quickly turned into a strangled sob. 'Go away, Elphias,' Remus said, turning his head away. 'Leave me alone, please.'

Elphias's hand twitched, wondering whether he should heed Remus's words or not. Sometimes, Elphias knew, it was better to leave people to themselves. But Remus looked so distraught and broken that Elphias didn't dare; couldn't in case something happened or Remus hurt himself.

So Elphias stayed put, keeping a good distance between them. Remus didn't say anything after that and Elphias was left to wonder why Sirius Black would do something like that. Why...how could he suspect the one person who loved him every second of every day so unconditionally? What he wondered most of all was how Peter Pettigrew could stage this whole misunderstanding so flawlessly and without a hint of guilt showing through?

Elphias had never thought much of Pettigrew; he'd been practically unnoticeable and slightly odd compared to the rest his friends who had seemed vibrant and with attractive personalities of their own. Elphias had always considered Peter Pettigrew a bit of a shadow which had been trampled on a few too many times. Pudgy, blond, and always stuttering, if Elphias had been told that Pettigrew would turn out to be a Death Eater, he would have laughed. It proved yet again how deceptive appearances were.

Remus's breathing was slowing down now, his face looking tired and aged as his muscles slowly relaxed and gave into the exhaustion and helplessness he must have been feeling. Elphias didn't think he could even begin to imagine how much hurt Remus was covering up as he slowly faded in and out of sleep.

Hesitantly, Elphias lay down beside Remus, not stopping the hand that was slowly stroking Remus's hair. He was almost confident that Remus had fallen asleep here in the field, which was why he nearly jolted in shock when Remus swiftly turned to his side and caught Elphias in a bone crushing hug. 'Remy?'

'Don't...please don't,' Remus whispered, pressing his forehead against Elphias's shoulder.

Elphias didn't know what Remus was telling him not to do, so he kept quiet and wrapped his arms around Remus loosely. He could feel Remus trembling against him, Remus's breath coming out cold and uneven against his neck; it felt wrong somehow. It felt wrong to have to hold someone as they tried so hard to keep themselves upright. It felt wrong because only minutes ago, Elphias had seen Remus completely fall apart.

'Elf?' Remus whispered against his neck. Elphias ran a hand down Remus's back. 'Yeah?'

'Can I-' Remus breathed deeply before pulling away slightly so that they were face to face. 'Can I kiss you?'

Amber eyes gazed upon Elphias's face questioningly, unsure of itself but channeling a certain need that Elphias couldn't ignore. So he swallowed the nervousness and worry he felt rising up his throat and nodded, letting Remus close the gap between them. The kiss didn't bring any fireworks, not like Elphias had sometimes imagined in his dreams. It was sweet and caring, just like Remus, and Elphias mused that this was probably what his first kiss should have tasted like – chocolate masking the bitter taste of spirit and tears. Ironically, it would also be the last time they would kiss.

It was over almost as quick as it started, and Elphias let his hands tangle in Remus's hair as their foreheads rested against one another. 'We could try this,' he said against Remus's moist lips. 'I could fall in love wit' you.' Elphias was sincere when he said he could; he truly believed that they could grow to love each other with a given amount of time. He already cared for Remus enormously, and he also knew that their friendship was different somehow – not in a way that lovers were but in a way that didn't need to be tainted with a title.

Remus shook his head slowly and for some reason, the rejection hurt less than Elphias imagined it would. Perhaps it was because he'd known Remus's answer even before Remus had. 'Never again,' Remus replied resentfully.

Elphias's jaw twitched with sudden anger towards Sirius Black and the rest of them.

'I hate him,' Remus spat before turning in Elphias's arms, so that they lay chest to back. Elphias didn't have to ask who 'him' was; there was only one person in the world that could reduce Remus to such a mess. Only one person that Remus had loved so hard and so much that even through his spite, his voice came out needy and disbelieving.

Elphias sighed and buried his face between Remus's shoulder blades, placing a small kiss there. Neither of them talked following Remus's declaration: Elphias because he lacked the tact and articulation to bring his friend any comfort, and Remus because he was far too distraught to speak anymore.

Elphias lay still for a long time after that, listening to Remus's breathing even out completely as he fell into a deep sleep. Elphias expected Remus to suffer from a bout of frightening nightmares and incomprehensive babbling that had become regularity especially after Mrs. Lupin's death. But as time wore on and Elphias watched Remus sleep, he was surprised to find the werewolf somewhat at peace.

Elphias hadn't had the heart to wake Remus up by apparating to the house after what was clearly an emotionally exhausting day. So he cast a cushioning charm underneath him and Remus, a warming charm, and spread his flimsy jacket over their bodies as a shield against the harsh night. The grass was horribly itchy, but Elphias would have done anything right then to keep Remus happy.

XxxxX

It was pain like he'd never known before.

Excruciating pain that started from the marrow of your bones and set your nerves on fire, bringing you close to blind unconsciousness and pulsing strong enough to make you wish you were dead. It

was the sort of pain that made Sirius grip the edge of his office desk until his knuckles turned white, eyes squeezed tight, body doubled over, and breath coming out in sharp bursts.

Betrayal; those were the words spelled out in bold on the Daily Prophet underneath him. Lies, and betrayal, and treachery, all of them coming under one name –Peter Pettigrew. The dirty little rat had fed him stories, made him believe things that were so absolutely ridiculous that Sirius couldn't even believe how stupid he'd been all along. That bastard had been the Death Eater, and he'd been trying to cover his tracks this whole time. It was a good thing that Peter Pettigrew was in Azkaban right now, protected behind bars and Dementors, because Sirius would have killed him.

The Avada Kedavra would have worked under Sirius's wrath.

Sirius's hands scrabbled for the drawer handle, quickly pulling it open and searching blindly for the pack of cigarettes that he'd grown to keeping there. They were the same brand of cigarettes Remus used and somehow, Sirius never noticed it until today as he lit it with one frantic hand. The smoke rushed through his nostrils at the first exhale, clouding around his head and making him cough. He kept on smoking nonetheless, hoping in vain that the nicotine rushing through his veins would somewhat ease the pain. He should have known better, especially since the pain wasn't physical.

It was the pain of having lost you very soul.

'Oh, God, Remus,' Sirius whispered under his breath, feeling the ache in his chest intensify tenfold. 'Fuck, what have I done?' Sirius had never noticed it before but everything about his office seemed to be decorated with Remus's essence. There were cigarettes that Remus smoked, colours that Remus loved, pictures that Remus took during their Hogwarts years and James and Lily's wedding. There was even the picture of the two of them that James had asked him to keep. 'Fuck!' Sirius cried, crumpling the newspaper into a ball and flinging it angrily against the wall.

His eyes stung from a mixture of pain and remorse.

He'd lost him. Sirius had lost the one person that had truly meant anything to him, all because he'd listened to that bastard. All the things he'd done, all those cruel words he'd said out of spite and anger. Remus had forgiven him every time. Every single time, Remus had come to him, confided in him, treated him like a true friend, and even comforted him with soft touches and kind words. Would Remus forgive him this time? Sirius knew that if he was in Remus's place, he definitely wouldn't.

Sirius breathed deeply, fumbling for another cigarette and rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. He flopped down on his seat and rested his head against the cool wood of his table. He was so far gone that he didn't even notice Alice Longbottom bursting into his office in frenzy until she shook him by the shoulder.

'Sirius, are you okay?' She peered down at him with concern, shifting a little uncomfortably when Sirius looked back at her sorrowful, grey eyes.

'I'm fine,' Sirius rasped out, sitting straight. It was a lie really; he wasn't fine at all. He wasn't fine because his mind was circling with one thought alone: Remus. Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus...

Alice nodded unsurely. 'We have bad news, I'm afraid.' She waited until Sirius motioned her to elaborate. 'Pettigrew's been Kissed.'

Just when Sirius thought things couldn't get any worse, the world fell apart. 'What?' he cried, louder than usual and then quieted down when Alice glanced warily outside. She closed the door and locked it with a silencing charm before she let Sirius speak again, 'The trial is scheduled for

the twentieth, how could they just-'

'It was unwarranted,' Alice explained, cutting him off, 'Crouch had no idea until this morning. The Dementors, as their defense, claim that Pettigrew's emotions were stronger than the rest of the inmates. Irresistible, apparently.'

Sirius felt anger and incredulity rise in him, and he rose up from his chair with every intention to call for some much needed action. 'I can't believe those fucking-'

Alice pushed him down. 'No, Sirius, listen. No one is supposed to know about this, not even the Aurors. Crouch is paying the Prophet to keep things quiet for safety reasons-'

'To delusion the public, you mean,' Sirius snorted disdainfully. 'The bloody git should have never talked to the Prophet in the first place. Moody warned him against it, but he goes about telling everybody about his brave capture of a ruthless Death Eater and how he was going to beat answers out of him.'

'It caught Death Eater attention,' Alice replied agreeably. 'That's what Dumbledore believes, but he has nothing to prove that the Dementors are wading towards Voldemort. Crouch might believe him, but he's too harried up in this whole incident to listen.'

'Fuck.' Sirius reached out for his pack of cigarettes again and threw it away angrily when he found it to be empty. 'This was our one chance. Shit.' For some reason, he laughed. The situation wasn't very funny and his laughter was mostly humourless disbelief. He couldn't believe one of their childhood friends, the person they'd spent seven years living with had turned out to be such a dirty traitor. He couldn't believe that some way, somehow, Peter Pettigrew always escaped their grasp. Mostly, he couldn't believe that underneath all the anger, he was actually happy. He was bloody ecstatic that Peter had been Kissed; he deserved it, the motherfucker. He deserved being an empty shell of a human being for everything he did to Sirius; for taking Remus away from him.

'They're keeping Pettigrew in Azkaban,' Alice continued, her face scrunching up in distaste. 'To keep up appearances. He's no longer affected by the Dementors, and Crouch reckons he can pass off easily as another mental prisoner.'

'The sick bastard;' Sirius spat, completely disgusted. 'I'd never thought he'd sink this low.'

Alice hummed in approval. 'It's only because Dumbledore refuses to be Minister. Merlin, Crouch surpasses bloody cruelty.' She tapped her fingers against the desk, displaying chipped red nails. 'Are you going to visit Pettigrew?'

Sirius laughed humourlessly.

Alice frowned. 'He was your friend, you know.'

'He was my worst enemy; I just never knew it,' Sirius retorted callously,

'James refused as well, but Lily and I are going. Peter might have been the spy, but he never deserved this.' Alice sighed and laid a gentle hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'Dumbledore's calling for a meeting tonight at eight. He's going to break the news, so you can come if you like.'

Sirius bit his lip and looked up at her. 'Is Remus coming?' He hoped he didn't sound too desperate; Alice didn't know about their relationship but she knew about the fray that had come between the Marauders. He swallowed and asked again, 'Alice, is Remus coming?'

Alice shrugged. 'Dumbledore must have told him, I don't know. I tried his Floo, but no one

answered.'

Sirius felt his chest contract, the unbearable pain returning with renewed vigour. 'Okay,' he whispered, nodding dejectedly. 'Yeah, alright.'

XxxxX

Mr. Potter's funeral was a solemn one. All the Order members had shown up to pay their respects, along with his Daily Prophet colleagues. There were a lot of family members, given that the Potters were a large pureblood clan, and Sirius even recognised some of his own relatives from amidst the crowd, however distant. Remus had come too, though Sirius had fully expected him not to.

The young werewolf stood away from everyone else, leaning against a tree with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He hadn't talked to James even once since he'd come; in fact, he hadn't even come close to any of them. He just stood there, gazing quietly as the funeral proceeded and people passed him by. Remus could have easily been mistaken for a statue – Sirius hadn't seen him move from his position even once and he had been watching Remus for a very long time. Remus didn't look any different from the last time Sirius saw him; he was still beautiful. But there seemed to be a hard edge to his beauty now – a set jaw, sharp focused eyes, and a completely neutral expression. It made Sirius wonder if Remus finally hated him.

'Prongs, is it okay if I leave for a bit?' Sirius asked, turning to look at James and Lily. James had taken the whole funeral with more calm than Sirius had expected him to. He had wept silently a few times, but had otherwise kept a strong fort hold under Lily's soothing reassurances and constant presence.

James nodded, glancing briefly at Remus and smiling weakly. 'Sure. Try and bring him over, won't you?'

Sirius gave a casual shrug before getting up and heading towards Remus. It felt like the longest walk of Sirius's life; the distance between them seemed insanely vast as Sirius's heart sped up from anticipation and fear. Halfway through, Remus had actually noticed Sirius's path towards him, but didn't seem to think of it as a matter of interest. His calm, cool gaze seemed to pierce Sirius's very soul and then finally shifted away to the people around them. Sirius may as well have not existed.

'Remus,' Sirius called, sounding a lot more breathless than he felt. 'How are you?'

Remus nodded in acknowledgement, but otherwise said nothing.

Sirius felt his throat close up and suddenly, he didn't think talking to Remus was that good of an idea. It felt a lot more difficult now that he was finally here. 'I-I'm really glad you could come...to the funeral,' he tried, hoping he wasn't stuttering too much. 'I thought you wouldn't, you know, after...'

'I didn't come here for you, Sirius,' Remus replied coldly, his eyes bright and dangerous in the sun.

Sirius's cheeks burned red. 'Moony, I'm really-'

'I don't care, Sirius,' Remus shot before Sirius could get any further. 'I really don't care about anything you have to say, so you might as well just save your breath.' He looked calm and fierce as he said this; nothing like the mess that Sirius felt he had been reduced to at Remus's harsh words. He deserved it, he knew, but that didn't stop it from hurting like hell. 'I'm done with you,' Remus spat finally, before walking away.

Sirius caught him by the wrist before he could go too far. 'Don't go without seeing James through, Remus, he needs you right now.'

Remus snatched his hand back roughly. 'He needs me?' He snorted derisively. 'Right. Tell me this, Sirius, who was first among you? Which of you decided to jerk me around first and which of you followed? You or James?'

'No!' Sirius cried, almost grabbing Remus again before catching himself. 'No, Remus, James and Lily...they never thought you were...' He swallowed heavily. 'Not once. That's what we'd had a fight over, James and I. He didn't believe a word, and...and looks like he was right not to...'

Remus stared at him for a while, brows furrowed as if wondering whether to believe Sirius's words or not. His head tilted slightly, making his hair fall sideways partly across his eyes. Sirius had never wanted to touch Remus more and yet, was too scared to even move.

'I'm not lying, Remus,' Sirius replied sincerely, stuffing his hands in his pockets to resist the urge to reach out.

Remus's jaw twitched momentarily before he nodded and walked away, leaving Sirius to wonder how long Remus's anger would stay and if there was anything he could do to make up for all his faults.

One good thing came out of the confrontation however and that was the breaking of tension between James, Lily, and Remus. Sirius felt a small fraction of relief to know that he'd at least fixed part of the situation. James and Lily had been nothing but supportive of Remus the whole time and they didn't deserve to be ignored or looked at with spite. To just think that Remus might have thought that the two of them had considered him as a Death Eater made Sirius's chest well up with guilt. Sometimes, he wished he could turn back time, all the way to a point when he'd started trusting that rat over his own lover. Perhaps if he'd just been more caring and receptive to Remus, these misunderstanding wouldn't have arisen. Perhaps he would have never heeded Peter's words if he'd had just a little more faith. But the past was done, and Sirius doubted if there was anything he could do but look ahead.

He sighed for the umpteenth time, leaning against the tree the same way Remus had as he watched James and Lily embrace Remus in an awkward hug. Lily lingered a little longer than James, and Sirius could read her lips as they formed the words 'we missed you' and 'thank you'. Sirius stayed back, letting them have their moment. He didn't think Remus would appreciate his presence anyhow, not without hostility. Maybe in time, he could fix the friendship between him and Remus; it was certainly something he'd hoped for ever since the truth had been put out.

Sirius could do without love, but never without Remus...

xxx

'Dumbledore told me you were leaving tomorrow? That's why you were at Hogwarts the other day, right? To discuss the mission.'

Elphias nodded guiltily; seeing Remus's state, he hadn't told him about his assigned mission until now. Remus didn't look angry or upset by it, so that posed as somewhat of a relief and a disappointment. Elphias sighed, soaping up a second dish and waiting for Remus to finish the first before handing it over. 'S a short one; not much trouble.'

Remus hummed. 'It's close to your home, I think. A short drive away if I'm not mistaken.'

Elphias grinned weakly. 'Ne'er noticed?'

'No, of course not,' Remus replied, rolling his eyes sardonically. 'Do you plan to visit?'

Elphias nodded, perhaps looking a bit more excited than he should have. In truth, he'd been waiting for this mission for what felt like ages now and dreamt of going back home almost every night.

'Do you plan to come back?' Remus asked again, not quite looking at Elphias as he stacked up another plate in their already growing pile. 'Here, I mean.'

Elphias suddenly felt very uncomfortable and suddenly wondered why they were cleaning all the dishes in the cabinet. It wasn't like they were particularly dirty or used very often. In fact, he and Remus had been doing useless house chores all day. They should be relaxing; Remus had taken a well deserved day off from work for his transformation tonight. 'I don' know, 'onestly,' Elphias said finally, trying not to give the idea too much thought.

'You don't want to, though,' Remus said, in a very matter-of-fact tone.

Elphias paused his dishwashing to look at Remus better; he noticed Remus's shaking hands but didn't comment on them. 'I hate London, Remy. I hate the people an' the place an' everythin' 'bout her. You're 'bout the only thin' tha' keeps me sane here.'

Remus nodded understandingly, then frowned thoughtfully and looked back at Elphias again. 'You aren't going to grope me now, are you?'

Elphias smirked cheekily, the hand that was already halfway to Remus's arse quickly dropping behind Elphias's back. 'Was hopin' if I showed me sen'imental side, you know.'

Remus shook his head exasperated and started on toweling the finished dishes dry. Elphias, having nothing better to do and never missing the rare opportunity of spending time with Remus, joined him. 'I'd understand if you wanted to go back, Elf. I mean, I'd probably starve with no one to cook for me, but I think that it's pretty useless to wait for the end of the war to go back home. It's only going to get worse, and you can always fight your battles back at home where you-'

Remus's body started shaking all of a sudden, rough spasms jerking his body and making Elphias jump back in shock. Elphias watched, horrified and speechless, as Remus's body trembled violently – a lot like his hands had been doing only a minute ago. He looked around, trying to figure out what to do, but Elphias wasn't ready for this; Remus had never done anything of the sort. The plate in Remus's hand shattered to pieces, a lot of the shards still stuck to his hand because he was clenching it so tight.

'I-I'm fine,' Remus choked out, closing his eyes and trying to inhale deeply. 'Don't worry.' Remus took a few more deep breaths, muttering quietly to himself. Finally, after what felt like a torturous decade to Elphias, Remus's body stilled and his hands unclenched. 'It's okay,' Remus said softly before opening his eyes.

Elphias nearly screamed right then, but clapped a horrified hand to his mouth before he could. Remus's pupils were very near slits, and they looked so frightfully dangerous that Elphias backed away almost unconsciously. Remus's irises looked as if they were glowing.

'Elf, I won't hurt you,' Remus reassured and even as he said it, Elphias could see Remus's eyes changing. They were returning back to normal, his pupils expanding and his irises dulling to a familiar and comforting amber-brown. It was the first time Elphias had seen the wolf underneath the man and it had scared him shitless. 'Elf, its okay,'

Elphias breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. 'I know. I'm sorry.' He inched closer, encasing Remus's still wavering hands firmly within his to still it. 'Wha was that?'

'The wolf's angry and I'm too weak to fight it today. I've been trying to distract it all day,' Remus replied, sighing heavily.

Oh. That explained a lot. 'Does it 'urt?'

Remus smiled, shaking his head sadly. 'But it will later. Elf, if something happens to me tonight-'

'Nothin's gonna happen to you!' Elphias cried, squeezing Remus's hands tight. 'You ain't that bad off! I've seen you worse!'

'If something happens to me, Elf,' Remus repeated solemnly, looking directly into Elphias's eyes, 'this house is yours to keep. I don't have anyone else to give it to, so anything-' Remus's eyes widened in shock as Elphias clapped a hand to Remus's mouth, effectively silencing him.

'We still got 'em glasses to finish.' Elphias hoped he sounded stern because in his mind, that was the end of their conversation. They weren't going to talk about it anymore, and Remus was damn well going to be fine!

That's what Elphias kept telling himself for the rest of the day but by evening, he was pacing holes into the floor. Remus had locked himself in the garage already, even though there was still almost an hour to go. Elphias didn't blame him; the wolf was starting to show more and more frequently in Remus's eyes. He knew Remus would never actually hurt him, but it scared Elphias a lot nonetheless. What scared him more was Remus's earlier words. Remus had looked so confident when he'd said that he might not make it; it was almost as if he knew.

Elphias glanced at his bedroom clock again. Only five minutes had passed since he'd last looked at it, but the anxiety made him feel restless and impatient. The little kit that Mrs. Lupin had used to heal her son after transformations was already packed and ready to use beneath Elphias's bed; Elphias had spent a good fifteen minutes unnecessarily organising the potions and bandages. Elphias looked at the watch again and cursed when the hand hadn't even moved.

His hand twitched nervously. He couldn't take this anymore; the knowledge that Remus might not make it this time was driving Elphias crazy with the need to fucking do something. He had ideas, dear Merlin, he had ideas, but none Remus would approve of and definitely none that would do him much good in the long term.

Elphias glanced at the clock again. 'Fuck this,' he cried, quickly running out of his room, down the staircase, and into the living room where the fireplace was burning merrily. Elphias decided right then that he was going to skip Dumbledore's mission and do what he could for Remus. He was going to regret this, he knew, but Remus's life was at stake and Elphias had no other option. Taking a deep breath, he threw the glittering powder into the fire before calling out, 'Sirius Black, DMLE!'

The spell shot out of Elphias's wand even before he tumbled out of the grate. It was a blind shot; minimum aim and maximum luck, which was why Elphias was astonished when he straightened on his feet to see Sirius Black lying stunned on the floor.

'Fuck!' Elphias whispered, quickly running to close the door. Azkaban. He could go to Azkaban for life for this. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!' He'd just assaulted an Auror, even if it was just a junior one, and he'd kidnapped said Auror's wand to add to it. Oh God, if someone decided to drop in, he was in big trouble. 'Sorry 'bout this, Mr. Black,' Elphias apologised, before levitating Sirius off the floor with his wand. 'Fuck, I'm goin' to hell for this.' Elphias struggled to gather floo powder in his hands

while trying to keep strict concentration on Sirius's airborne body; Merlin, Sirius was heavy. 'Lupin Cottage!'

Unfortunately, Elphias found that levitating charms did not stay when traveling by floo. Coming out of the Lupin fireplace, Elphias found Sirius's body covered in soot and various bruises on his arms and neck. He hoped Sirius hadn't broken anything; according to the clock there were only ten minutes left till moonrise. He agonisingly adjusted Sirius's lead heavy limbs so that he was lying straight on his back with his arms tucked to the sides.

'O'righ', Elf,' he panted, wiping the sweat that had collected on his brow from the exertion. 'Here we go.' Elphias pointed his wand towards Sirius's neck, keeping it close to his jugular before muttering a quick, 'Enervate!'

Sirius's eyelids fluttered as he groaned in pain. 'What the blo- Elphias!' He made to get up put stopped when Elphias dug his wand painfully into neck.

'Don' move. Don' talk,' Elphias commanded, looking braver than he felt underneath Sirius's angry and outraged glare. 'I have your wand, so you will listen t' me. It's 'portant, so I don' care how busy you are or how this doesn' apply to you.'

'Get off me, Elphias,' Sirius warned, obviously not impressed by Elphias's efforts to take charge, 'before I tear your throat out.'

Elphias swallowed but tried to look uncaring. 'Today's full moon; you prolly don' know.'

To his relief, Sirius didn't look as dangerous any more, but just concerned and perhaps a little frightened. 'Remus.'

It wasn't a question but Elphias nodded his affirmation nonetheless. 'The wolf is angry and Remy told me he won' make it.' Elphias lowered his wand, moving to give Sirius space to sit up. 'You're goin' in as dog to 'elp 'im. I don' care how you do it, but you keep 'im alive.'

Sirius nodded gravely, standing up and wincing, probably from all the bruising. 'You didn't have to fucking kidnap me to do this, you stupid git. I would have come anyway.' He stretched his back, popping the muscles in his neck before transforming swiftly into the large, black dog Elphias remembered seeing a year ago.

'I doubted you woulda,' Elphias accused, letting the 'after everything you did' hang. The dog bared its sharp teeth and growled maliciously at him; Sirius obviously didn't like him very much. He glanced at the watch one last time, feeling more at peace than he had since morning. 'You got five minutes to get in. Then, I lock the door.'

xxx

When Sirius woke up, he found himself still in his Animagus form, partly sprawled upon Remus's bare thighs. The transformation had been rough last night, perhaps one of the fiercest Sirius had ever seen.

The wolf had been furious at everything; at itself, at Remus, at being locked up. In its rage, it hadn't even noticed Padfoot at first as it repeatedly collided and burned itself on the aconite coated door. It had been so blinded with the resultant pain that it hadn't even noticed a large, black dog tugging at its tail. In fact, it wasn't until Padfoot had launched himself entirely on the wolf to prevent it from chewing itself apart that Moony had noticed there was an intruder in the garage. Even then, it had been ruthless and self abusive; Sirius had had to literally fight and knock it down

unconscious in the end to stop it from killing itself and Remus. Padfoot had been smaller and weaker, but he had had a human mind on his side.

Padfoot let out a doggy huff before transforming back to his human form. The garage was dark, so he couldn't tell if the sun had risen or not, but if the way Remus's chest was rising and falling rapidly was any indication, then the moon was yet to set completely. Sirius's hypothesis was confirmed when he slid open one of Remus's eyes to find the irises still tinged yellow.

'You really beat yourself up there, Moony,' Sirius said softly, brushing blood encrusted hair out of Remus's face. His fingers met a large bump hidden beneath honey brown hair; the last blow that Padfoot had finally inflicted to knock the wolf out. Remus's body shook with the last remaining tremors of his transformation, a soft, pained whine emitting from his dry lips. 'It's over, Moony,' Sirius soothed, caressing Remus's face tenderly. 'You're fine. It's okay.' Sirius pulled off his shirt over his head and rolled it up to form a makeshift pillow for Remus. He made sure that he didn't aggravate Remus's wounds any further as he slid the shirt beneath Remus's head. 'I'm here, Moony, I'm here...'

Remus's eyes opening half mast, and Sirius could tell by the way his face scrunched up in confusion, that Remus either had no recollection of last night or was having a hard time seeing clearly. 'Elf?'

Sirius drew back as if stung. It shouldn't have hurt so much; Sirius hadn't been there for so many full moons. Remus was simply calling out for the person who took care of him in place. It didn't mean anything; it didn't mean that somehow Elphias had taken a more important place in Remus's life. After all, it was Sirius who had been there last night; Sirius who made sure the wolf didn't murder itself; Sirius who felt the ache in his chest every time Remus whimpered in pain.

The garage door opened and Sirius had to shield his eyes with his arm from the sudden onslaught of light. Sirius could make out Elphias's silhouette; he looked even shorter and slighter than usual. 'Is he o'right?' Elphias asked, his eyes taking in the blood splattered walls before settling on the figure beside Sirius's.

'Unconscious,' Sirius replied shortly, sidling closer to Remus protectively.

Elphias nodded, walking in and letting Sirius's wand slide across the floor towards him. 'Ta, Mr. Black. You can go if you like.'

'Don't insult me, Dodge,' Sirius spat, quickly examining his wand for any malfunctions before starting on healing Remus's mangled body. 'You can put yourself to use and heal some of the more dangerous wounds with me. We'll levitate him into the house after that.'

'I know wha' to do!' Elphias yelled angrily as he marched towards them.

'Then do it,' Sirius shot back, ignoring Elphias's murderous glares.

The next hour was spent, thankfully, in silence, as they healed Remus on his bed. There were quite a few broken bones to mend and limbs to straighten, so despite both Sirius and Elphias wanting to rip each other's throats out, they worked together. Remus, the whole while, drifted in and out of consciousness; he would open his eyes blearily and try to speak almost, but would fall back asleep again. It was as if his body was betraying him as his mind struggled to try and figure out what was happening.

Sirius looked at Remus's face, troubled with sleep but still handsome, still so beautiful.

'E's always 'sleep by now,' Elphias said softly, rubbing some sort of salve on Remus's left arm. Sirius had stopped questioning Elphias's choice of potions a long time ago. They had bickered about it at first, but when Elphias had mentioned that they were the ones Mrs. Lupin had taught him to use, Sirius immediately shut up. Sirius might have hated Elphias, but he had the utmost respect for Remus's mother. 'E migh' act a lil' mental now and then, not in the righ' mind, I mean. 'Cause of the Levatio Potion.'

Sirius frowned, looking Elphias in the eye, for the first time, with confusion rather than wrath. 'Levatio?' He looked around, sure enough finding a large black vial of bubbling liquid and picking it up to read the label. 'This is from Knockturne Alley,' Sirius cried, surprised and enraged, 'you don't know what shit it can do! You fed him this?'

Elphias scowled. 'It works. Mrs. Lupin-'

'Mrs. Lupin was a muggle!' Sirius yelled, standing up. Remus stirred a little beside him, but he paid it no mind. 'She probably had no idea what she was giving him!'

'She was doin' this longer than you were!' Elphias yelled back, getting up so abruptly that a few of the salve tubes he'd been using fell to the ground. 'She was there when you wasn'!'

Sirius didn't know what came over him; one minute he was standing there on the bedside, yelling, and the next, he had grabbed Elphias by his shirt collar and slammed him into the wall. 'Merlin, do you ever use your head? This stuff is illegal for a reason!'

'S illegal 'cause 's got bits of dragon egg in 'em! Don' think I haven' checked, Mr. Black!' Elphias growled, struggling against Sirius's strong hold. 'I took care o' him when you left. I watched every one o' em transformations!'

Sirius pressed Elphias tighter against the wall. 'Why did you have to fuck him, Elphias, eh?' he asked, his voice ranging between angry and remorseful. 'You could have anyone you wanted. Anyone! So why Remus?'

'I could ask you the same thin',' Elphias spat, his fingernails digging sharply into Sirius's knuckles in an attempt to free himself. When Sirius didn't have an answer to his question, Elphias's eyes looked down on him with contempt. 'You was no less than God to him. So why Remus?'

Sirius's hands wavered. 'I loved him,' Sirius replied shakily.

'You 'urt him. You broke him.'

Sirius let go of Elphias, turning his back to him. 'I was stupid...and blinded,' he said softly, rubbing his temples aggressively to stave off the migraine he felt coming on. 'I didn't understand how much he...' Sirius left the sentence unfinished, not wanting to open up to Elphias or anyone else for that matter. 'You're right, I should just leave. I'm just making things worse.'

'I was lyin',' Elphias almost whispered when Sirius's hand had closed around the door knob. 'I never slept with Remy. S not like that wit' us.'

Sirius whipped around so fast that he pulled a muscle. 'You told me-'

'I lied,' Elphias said simply, looking anywhere but Sirius. He ironed his wrinkled shirt with his hands. 'You kept pushin' an' pushin', an' I was tired of watchin' you always be so cruel to Remy. So, I lied.'

Sirius swallowed, wide eyed and disbelieving. 'Fuck.' He ran both hands through his hair, pulling

until it hurt unbearably at the roots. 'Fuck, things just get worse. There's no end...'

'I-I can leave you 'ere...wit' him,' Elphias stuttered, and Sirius could tell by his face and darting eyes that it was the last thing he wanted to do. For once, Sirius wasn't angry with him or blaming him; if he were in Elphias's place, he would be protective of Remus too. Especially if Sirius was involved. 'You can talk, but he ain't gonna understand nothin', an' he ain't gonna 'member it.'

Sirius swallowed heavily, looking at Remus's unrested form before nodding.

'If you do anythin' to him, Mr. Black, anythin', I swear I'll kill you,' Elphias warned before walking out.

Sirius chuckled bitterly, wondering how much Elphias meant it as he sat next to Remus. 'You're not going to hate me forever, are you?' he asked, stroking Remus's hair to the side and out of his eyes. Remus mumbled under his breath about something that sounded a lot like 'porridge' and turned into Sirius's touch. 'I hate myself too,' Sirius continued, hesitating for a while before sliding down beside Remus on top of the covers. He kept a good distance between them, perhaps out of fright of rejection or waking Remus up.

Sirius stared at Remus for a while, drinking every bit of him. Remus was still muttering in his sleep, probably half awake. A lot of it was unintelligible, but Sirius could make out a few words like Quidditch, and oranges, and bread pudding. He figured Remus might have been hungry, but couldn't tell for sure.

Sirius smiled and caressed Remus's cheek with one hand. For some reason, second year came upon memory. Sirius couldn't remember what day or time it was, but he remembered that it had been after a transformation just like now. In fact, it had been the transformation that had helped him come into terms with Remus's lycanthropy; it had made him realise that the rest of the world didn't matter when it came to Remus; that Sirius would always care about him no matter what. That had been back in second year, and things still hadn't changed.

It had been a turning point back then and for Sirius, just one segment of that incident truly stood out in his memory. 'Remus?' Feeling foolish but knowing that this was perhaps going to be the only time he was going to get Remus without the shield of his anger and cognition, Sirius tried to replay that exact same scene: 'Can I...you know...hug you?'

For a split second, Sirius was sure this had to be the stupidest thing he'd ever done his entire life; Remus was hardly coherent and there was no guarantee that he would remember anything about their past or present. But then, Remus mumbled something under his breath and Sirius couldn't understand most of it, but he could make out a slight smile on Remus's face and a distorted version of his own name: 'S'rus.'

That was all it took for Sirius to launch himself into Remus's arms, burying himself in deep into Remus's body and nearly choking with tears when one of Remus's arms came to wrap unconsciously around him.

The sheets fell between them in a haphazard pool of soft cotton as Sirius breathed'I love you' into the sleep warmed skin of Remus's neck.

chapter 29

October 1981...

Elphias was sitting outside Remus's room the entire time Sirius had been inside. He knew it was wrong to spy or eavesdrop, so he didn't. Instead, he only stood guard in case Remus needed him or something bad happened with any of his still fresh wounds. It was odd but till today, Elphias had felt nothing but hatred for Sirius Black for having been so horrible to Remus and breaking his heart. Elphias had wanted to hurt Black to the point of death; he'd wanted to punish him and destroy his world like Sirius had done Remus's. However, Elphias discovered this morning that there was a reason his overbearing father would always tell him to "listen to both sides of the story before passing a judgment".

Elphias hadn't listened to Sirius's story as much as he'd observed it. He'd seen how upset Black had been; how distraught and how needing he was for Remus's forgiveness and companionship. Elphias had been murderous before but now, he just felt awful. He knew he was being traitorous but all of a sudden, Elphias saw things clearly through Sirius's perspective. He saw how easy it must have been for Black to fall under constant lies and misconceptions about his lover when one of the informants had been his best friend from childhood. Elphias saw how difficult it must have been for Sirius to come into terms with having a traitorous boyfriend and how angry it must have made him. It didn't mean the things Sirius had done were okay or justified, but it did explain things better. In the end, Elphias also saw how Sirius suffered through the repercussions of his own deeds, and was now constantly trying and failing to set things right.

Elphias didn't think Remus would be able to see all of this through his own hurt. Remus was truly no longer the same person that Elphias had had a raging crush on; his smiles were rare and the face he put up in front of people was fake. Remus looked like he'd given up on everything: hope, life, love; just the shadow of the beautiful personality he'd been. He'd suppressed all his hurt and anger and replaced it with cold indifference, so much so that Elphias sometimes found it hard to even look at the werewolf properly.

Elphias sighed, wondering when things would get back to normal and if they ever would. He looked at Remus's bedroom door again, hoping things were going alright in there and Remus, if awake, wasn't too angry with Elphias. The only reason Sirius had been brought in the house was because Elphias truly believed that the young Black was the only person who could help Remus out. Ironic really, how the cause was also the cure.

When Sirius finally came out, he didn't even notice Elphias sitting there. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands as he closed the door to Remus's bedroom behind him. He seemed in a hurry to leave the house, and Elphias quickly called out for him, surprised that Sirius was leaving so

quickly. Sirius almost didn't stop, clearly too distraught to truly talk to anybody at the moment.

'Mr. Black, is Remy 'wake?' Elphias asked, speeding up a bit more to catch up with Sirius's fast pace down the stairs.

'No,' Sirius replied roughly, as he jumped the last two steps easily. 'He's still sleeping. I didn't have the heart to wake him.'

Elphias nodded. 'You could stay if you liked,' he offered, panting a bit as Sirius finally slowed down in front of the door. 'Remy would like to know you was here for his transformin'.'

'No, he wouldn't, but thank you for the offer, Elphias,' Sirius said curtly; his voice clearly expressing that he still didn't like Elphias very much and was ready for another fight if it were called upon.

Elphias bit his lip unsurely. 'Wha' will I tell 'im? If he asks why you was here? He'll be cross with me when he wakes and 'members tha' I let you in, an' I don' wanna have to 'xplain it 'lone.'

'He won't remember,' Sirius told him firmly. 'I knocked him out almost immediately after, and he was asleep for the rest of the time. So don't worry, Dodge.'

'Why don' you want him to know?' Elphias asked insistently, grabbing Sirius's hand as it descended upon the doorknob. He knew he was pushing it with Black, but he'd seen the two of them together and then without each other. And right now the only way Elphias could describe either of them was incomplete. 'Why d'you always wanna leave him?'

Sirius sighed heavily, resting his head against the door. 'I'll answer your question if you answer mine.' He paused only for a moment to look at Elphias's puzzled and sad face before he continued. 'Why do you like Remus so much, hm? Why do you care what happens to him?'

Elphias blinked in confusion and shrugged. 'I don' know. I-I can't 'xplain it,' he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 'Remy...he's always there for me, you know. He lissens to me, an' he takes care o' me. If I ever have any trouble o' sorts, he pushes away his own problems to lissen to mine.' Elphias looked at Sirius as sincerely as he could, remembering everything Remus had done for him; the very first time Remus had brought him into the Lupin cottage and nursed his wounds without a word said in between. 'He saved me.'

Sirius nodded, looking as if he was having a hard time simply swallowing. 'I don't want to leave him,' he said softly, in reply to Elphias's earlier question, 'but he's angry now – too angry to care about what I have to say.'

'He wouldn' be angry if he didn' care,' Elphias replied wisely, obviously taking Sirius by surprise; the young Black, almost like everyone else, probably didn't think of Elphias as too bright. 'I won' tell him if you don' want me to,' Elphias conceded, 'but...' He shrugged, trying to not look too hopeful as he opened the door for Sirius.

Sirius smiled weakly and walked out. He didn't miss the disappointment of Elphias's face, but pretended to look ahead outside, where the sun was shining merrily and invitingly. Elphias wondered if he could persuade Remus to take a walk outside, warm up a bit to chase away the cold that seemed to have settled itself permanently in the Lupin Cottage.

'I'll see you around, Elphias.'

The door shut on Elphias's face and he sighed dejectedly, feeling his hopes crumble to pieces. He had really thought that if...Elphias shook his head. It didn't matter anymore now, he supposed,

climbing up the stairs almost unconsciously. None of this was his business, not really. He'd come to London to fight Voldemort, not intrude into other people's lives. Guaranteed that he had never expected to make friends, not in a big city like London, but he had. He'd found Remus; the one person he cared about outside of Stepney and probably the only person he was willing to give up his life for. Perhaps that's why Sirius Black concerned him. Perhaps it was because all Elphias wanted to see was Remus happy.

Elphias hadn't even realised that he'd slipped into bed beside Remus (the act had become so much of a habit) until he'd actually heard the werewolf whine is pain and discomfort. 'Shh,' Elphias whispered, trying smooth out the creases that formed over Remus's forehead. 'Remy, don' move. You'll 'urt yourself,' Elphias protested. Remus remained oblivious, however, twisting and turning in unease. 'Shh,' Elphias tried to soothe again, rubbing comforting, concentric circles across Remus's chest. To his surprise, Elphias found Remus's heart beating beneath his palm at a furious rate – the skin burning hot there. 'Merlin.' Elphias ran his hands across Remus's neck and forehead; checking for a fever and finding,