Chapter 3: Confessions

The next day, Frances arrives at the hospital and she is happy to see Julia & David chatting happily together.

Frances & David bring Julia up to speed about what happened in the aftermath of the bombing (the enquiry, the arrest of the suspects Luc Aitkens, Lorraine Craddock, Nadia Ali and the fact their whole networks have been dismantled) and what happened in the UK since the bombing, Vosler was forced to resign and Hunter-Dunn the same. Mike Travis is the acting Home Secretary and the Country is looking for a Prime Minister. Anticipated Elections are going to be organized and Julia will have to decide soon if she wants to run or not. However, there is an on-going investigation for "abuse of power" from Julia & "gross misconduct" from David to be finalized first.

David has already been interrogated and he told the truth: yes, he & Julia have been romantically involved when he was still her PPO (they had the recordings from her Blackwood's room as evidence anyway, there were no points denying it) and they had decided to end their work relationship on the day of the bombing, in order to be publicly together. David acknowledged the breach of conduct but insisted on the fact that the relationship was totally consensual on both sides and that there was never any coercion from neither of both. The fact that David was seeking help and changing job to undertake the Detective Inspector training has also been positively perceived. Julia decides to take an appointment with the investigators asap, in order to clean her sheet and decide freely to run for PM or not, without this sword of Damocles above her head.

Julia's involvement with the Kompromat has not been made public knowledge and there is not internal investigation on that matter as Anne Sampson is the one who leaked the Kompromat & not Julia. Neither Vosler nor David mentioned her visit to Chequers the day before the bombing –Vosler to avoid to become a potential suspect in the attempt on her life & David to protect her and to keep his promise not to mention it to anyone.

Frances leaves them alone and David takes Julia's hands in his and looks straight into her hazel eyes and says: "Julia, I need to confess 4 things, because I do not want to hold any secret from you". Julia stiffs immediately and put her unreadable politician mask on". David frowns but continues: "I love you to the moon & back, I want to be in a serious relationship with you, I want to build a future together, I really want us to work & I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. That's why I want you to know what I am about to tell you, even if I know I might lose you". Julia looks really worried for a split second but quickly recovers and glances him one of her killer look which freezes so many people on the spot. But David continues, seemingly unaffected (at least externally). "I am not as good as you with words and I am not good at expressing my feelings but I will do my best so, please, listen to me until the end and do not interrupt me".

Julia nods with her best "Ice Queen" look but he still holds her hands and she does not push him away.

David clears his throats and starts to talk: "The 1st thing I want you to know is that before I met you, I had a lot of resentment towards you, because of your politics, especially regarding your position towards the Middle-East. On my first day as your PPO, you were bitchy, brutal and condescending. Then you asked me if I was the officer who prevented the 1st of October Rail Attack and I saw admiration in your eyes and you did something I wasn't expecting at all: you apologized! That's when I started to see the real woman behind the Home Secretary façade. I became attracted by your intelligence, hidden softness, the way you really care about people including my son's schooling and of course your beauty, femininity & self-confidence. So here I was, trying to despise you but actually starting to fall for you". He pauses and looks at her but she doesn't flinch.

He continues: "I enjoyed looking at you the whole day, especially when you were biting your pen or pencil whilst concentrating on a document –sometimes I was dreaming of you biting my lips like that- or when you were walking in the corridor with your beautiful long legs and your sexy hips movements. I became obsessed with you, thinking about you all the time, dreaming of you in my arms and all the things I wanted to do to you". He pauses again and sees a hint of a smile on her face, quickly dismissed on her poker face.

He sighs and goes on: "then we shared that Fish & Chips meal in your den and I realized I was totally falling for you. After the Thornton Circus attempt on your life, when you called me to debrief in your hotel room, I was very uncomfortable as all I wanted to do was to hold you tight. Then it happened. We made love for the first time, it was so sweet & shy and that the connection between us was instantaneous and so intense. I did not want to touch you at first as I knew my desire for you would be very difficult to hide and control. I was upset when after we have made love, you went to hide in the bathroom". She does not react but he can tell by the way she squeezes his hands that she will come back on that later. The gentle squeeze gives him hope and he takes a big breath.

"The 2nd thing I want to confess is that I knew personally the Thornton Circus shooter, Andy Apsted". Julia withdraws her hands straight away from his, looking bewildered.

"We have served together in Helmand. He was in the truck with me when we hit the IED and we were the only two survivors. I did not say it straight away as I did not want to be removed from your protection team, because I did not trust anybody else to protect you and because I was falling for you, as I told you before. That fact was later discovered during the investigation after St Matthew's and it backfired on me and that was one of the reasons they started to suspect me, as Lorraine Craddock planned".

"Now, I am going to tell you the 2 worst things which might make you walk away from me, but I want you to remember I truly deeply love you and I really hope you will be able to find the strength and the love deep inside you to forgive me". She nods slowly. He becomes very emotional and she could tell he was very upset and afraid of losing her.

"One day, Craddock asked me to come into her office. Sampson was there as well. They started to lecture me about how bad & dangerous you were. They told me you knew about the potential attack on my kids school and that you sat back and let it happen. They tried to convince me to spy on you and figure out what you were up to with Security Services. Sampson was taking it very personally as you asked Security Services to investigate on the 1st October Rail Attack, instead of the police services. I started to refuse but they were not taking no for an answer. So I took the listening devices with me in the Blackwood but I did not want to use it. I should have told you straight away but honestly, I thought I would manage to go away with not telling them anything and that they will finally dropped it". At that point, David was holding his fists against another and Julia could see the anger against his hierarchical superiors in his eyes.

"But that's not what happened. One day, Craddock summoned me in her office and I told her I had nothing to share, again. That's when the situation I was in aggravated itself as they threatened to remove my family from the Safe House if I was not providing them with useful information asap. I was stuck against the wall and I recorded some of your conversations with Hunter-Dunn but I never gave them the recordings, I swear Julia I did not want to betray your trust but I really did not know what to do.. I had to choose between ratting the woman I was in love with or potentially put my kids in great danger.. I did the best I could to hold on any information which might incriminate you and only gave them pieces of not useful information. I swear I gave them the minimum level of information and I am adamant I would never do anything to expose you but in the same time, I had to keep my kids safe & keep my job".

"Julia, I have never mentioned to anyone your visit to Chequers, not even during the investigation after the bombing. I am and I will always do everything I can to protect you. You have to believe me, I love you and you can trust me."

Julia is livid and not looking at him. Then she says with an icy tone: "you said there were 4 things you wanted to confess. What is the 4th thing then? What can be worse than spying on me?"

"The 4th thing I want to tell you is that, when you were wrongly pronounced dead, I could not cope with it. I could not live without you and with your dead on my conscience. I was feeling so guilty to have failed you. I was really in a bad place before meeting you. You are the one who convinced me to get help which I did straight after the investigation ended. You saved me Julia". His voice trembling and tears rolling down his eyes, he finally manages to tell her: "But that day, I just could not cope and I shot myself in the head". Julia screams at him: "What? David, how could you do that? Your kids, they would have been fatherless! Because of me!". David sighed and said:" Aitkens guys switched my bullets to blanks, which is why I am still here in front of you, begging you for your forgiveness".

Julia is looking at him with the darkest eyes he has ever seen from her, eyes who could throw daggers. Then she says: "for the records, after we made love for the 1st time, I went to hide in the bathroom because I was not able to handle it – whatever it was between us - yet. It was the first time I was making love in 8 years. I have never been attracted by anyone as I am attracted by you. I felt things I never thought I could feel ever again, my feelings for you were growing strong so quickly that is scared me to death. I needed to put some space between us to be able to handle it". She pauses, looks at him straight in the eyes and said: "David, thank you for your honesty today, it must have been difficult for you to confess these things but I want you to leave now".

David says tentatively: "can I come back tomorrow, love". Julia replies with a clearly annoyed tone: "stop calling me that".

"I can stop saying it, but that does not mean I am not feeling it"

"Whatever. Now leave"

"Can I come back tomorrow?"

"Honestly David, I don't know. Call me tomorrow at 2pm. I need some time alone"

"I understand Julia, I am so sorry. I love you. Night Night"

Julia doesn't answer and avoids his gaze.

David leaves the room, looking back at her, maybe for the last time.