Lily is tired of James harrassing and practically stalking her so she comes up with a list of ways to stop it. But does it work?
Getting Rid of Potter Part 2
Today was the day. I was going to put Phase three of The Plan into effect. I was going to kiss Sirius in front of James. That's right. That should wipe the smirk right off his face. I plan to do it in the Great Hall in front of everyone. That should be a moment to remember. I hope I don't lose my nerve. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think that I can do this. I mean I think I might throw up if I have to kiss Sirius.
"Hey Evans! You are looking mighty fine today. Deep down you know you want me. How bout it? Want to go to Hogsmeade next weekend with me?" James said with that stupid smirk on his face. I swear he is insufferable. I think I can live with kissing Sirius if it'll get Potter to leave me alone. So I smiled at him making him think that he had finally gotten me. Because usually I just reject him. I pretended to walk up to him (Sirius was right beside him) and gave him the look. You know, the one you give to someone right before you kiss them. But then at the last second I turned to Sirius. I grabbed him by his shirt and gave him a kiss smack dab on the lips. To say he was surprised was an understatement. I think everyone in the Great Hall was flabbergasted of what I had done. I thought Potter was about to hit someone. I swear he had a look of pure disgust on his face. Ha - take that. Maybe he'll finally leave me alone.
"Potter, I don't think I will accept your invite to Hogsmeade. I have better things to do." And with that I left the Great Hall to go to my dormitory. But not before I heard Sirius say to James "Damn! She's a good kisser." I thought James was ready to punch him. That should teach him not to ask me out all the time.
"Guys, I did it. I think that Phase three actually worked. It has been a whole day since Potter asked me out. I mean I think that kiss with Sirius really threw him off balance. Not that he wasn't already off balance." I was ecstatic. I could not believe it. This had been the most blissful day of my life. I felt like nothing could go wrong. But in my life, when I think that, everything goes wrong. And it was proven when I entered the Gryffindor Common Room.
"Hey Evans. I have decided to overlook the fact that you kissed my BEST friend in the MIDDLE of the Great Hall in front of EVERYONE because I know why you did it. You couldn't believe that I was actually asking you out. I mean I am after all THE James Potter. So I decided to give you another chance. I know that you really want to go out with me. So me, being the caring and gracious man I am, I am willing to let you go out with me." I was gobbsmacked. I could not believe he had just said that to me. I thought about going back to phase two and cursing him into Oblivion, but thought better of it. I have suffered enough detentions from that. So I did the only thing I could think of. I started banging my head repeatedly with my hand, while mutter over and over again. "Stupid, stupid, stupid..." But then I remembered Phase four of The Plan and it brought a smile to my face. Agree to go out with him and then say I was just kidding. That should get rid of him.
"Alright Potter. I'll go out with you. I'll go to Hogsmeade with you." At this point I should tell you that the entire Common Room had gone completely silent. Everyone was shellshocked. Well except my friends who knew what was going on. I even had Sirius come up to me and put his hand on my forehead and ask if I was feeling well. The look on Potter's face was priceless. It was the look someone would get upon hearing that Voldemort had turned good. He couldn't believe it.
"Are you serious?" And I had to resist smacking Sirius when he made the serious/Sirius joke yet AGAIN. (everyone in the common room groaned at this point) I mean you'd think he would get tired of it after 5 years of saying it everyday. Oh wait I'm getting carried away here. I have to finish with phase four.
"On second thought. Maybe I'd better not. I don't know if I will be able to fit inside the Three Broomsticks with your massive ego. Better not risk it." And then I turned and went up to my dormitory. Revenge is sweet. That ought to shut his arrogant self up.
Sally and Anna were trying to make me forget the plan. They felt I was being insanely evil. "If he paid half the attention to me as he does to you I would go out with him. I mean he's popular, handsome, and a killer quidditch player." Sally droned on and on for the millionth time that day.
"If you like him so much then you can go out with him." I really wish people would stop telling me that Potter and I would make a cute couple. I find it repulsive. Although if he kisses as well as Sirius...Oh who am I kidding. I would never go out with someone because they kiss well. Although it is an added plus.
"But you would make such a cute couple." I knew someone had to say it eventually. Leave it to Anna to bring that up. I decided a glare would work better than anything else. Besides I already have my mind made up. I am going on to Phase five of The Plan whether they like it or not. Because ever since the other day when I put Phase four into effect, Potter decided to increase the number of times he asks me out. It seems like everytime I turn a corner he's there. Waiting. And always with a new cheesy pick up line followed by an invitation to go on a date with him. I swear if he asks me one more time if I'm wearing astronaut pants (because my butt is out of this world) I'm going to scream. So I have to take drastic measures. I have to go on with the plan. I am going to pretend he lost his memory and that I am his sister. If that doesn't work then I don't know what will.
We were on our way to Charms. I have been going out of my way and trying to take a different path everyday so Potter can't find me. But he always seems to. It's like he has me on a tracking device. And it just so happens that the next corner I turned, there he was. With his arrogant smirk and him running his hand through his stupid hair. That drives me insane. And NOT in a good way.
"Hey Evans. You look tired. Maybe because you have been running through my mind all day. Maybe I should carry your books for you. Or I could carry YOU to charms. Either one will work just fine."
At this point I didn't have the energy to come up with a witty remark. So I just stepped around him and proceeded to charms. I think I will put phase five in progress tomorrow morning when he first wakes up. That'll confuse him more.
Phase five is about to start. I got up extra early. I wanted to look extra cute today so it'll mess with his head more when I pretend to be his sister. I am wearing my my camel boots, my good butt jeans, and the lowcut spaghett strapped shirt that Sally called trampy and then wanted to borrow it. I usually wear a jacket with it, but I thought I'd go with the more revealing look today. I decided to bring the other marauders in this as well. They thought it was hilarious. They didn't think I could come up with such an awesome prank and they wanted in on it too. I wasn't too sure how they would take it because he is their best mate. But the conversation went quite well actually.
Last night:
I was walking back to the common room from dinner and I decided to include Sirius, Remus, and Peter in the prank against James. I hope they are willing to help me with it. Thankfully James had quidditch practice so he wasn't in the common room. But the other three marauders were in the corner by the fire. Discussing a prank probably. Well, maybe if I present the idea as a prank, they'll be more willing to help me.
"Hey guys. How's it going?"
"Come to kiss another one of us to make James jealous?" Sirius said with a smirk. Oh the nerve of him. How dare he suggest such a thing. Like I would want to make him jealous.
"I did not do that to make him jealous. I don't want to make him jealous. I just want him to leave me alone for more than five seconds at a time and to stop asking me out every time I turn around and..."
"LILY! I was just kidding. I know you don't want James. You've made that perfectly clear. I also know that you don't talk to us willingly. So what's up?" Well now I felt stupid.
"Oh I think I came up with an idea. A prank if you will. I think it will get James to cool it around me and let me have a life." This peaked Sirius's interest.
"Go on."
"I'm going to seriously - don't even think about it Black - mess with his head. Make him go insane." I had to stop that horrid joke before it started.
"And how exactly do you plan to do that Miss Evans?" Remus asked.
"I am going to pretend he lost his memory and that I am his sister. But I need you guys to go along with it so he'll really believe it. That way when he asks me out, I can pretend he is messed up in the head. Well more so than normal."
"Well, that's a start. But you need more to it than that to truly mess with his head." The look in Sirius's eyes made me uneasy. I don't want to think about what he is planning.
"What did you have in mind?"
"Well, the sister part is good. Making him think he is dreaming about dating his sister will be priceless. But, if you throw a little more into the equation, it could really make him go insane."
"You're not suggesting that are you?" Remus's mouth was hanging open in disbelief. This couldn't be good.
"Padfoot. It's not what I'm thinking of is it?" Peter's eyes were wide as saucers. This really can't be good.
"Oh that's exactly what I'm thinking of. Both of those. This calls for drastic measures. Time to call in all the reinforcements we have." Now I'm scared for my safety.
"Okay, you guys are scaring the crap out of me. What the hell are you talking about?" The suspense was killing me.
"What does James want more than anything but can't have because - how do you usually put it? - his massive ego gets in the way? You. Making him believe you are his sister will drive him insane. But what could make him jealous?" Sirius started to explain.
"If you were going out with one of his best mates." Remus contiued.
"And you were pregnant by said mate." Peter finished. Oh they really are that good.
"Wow. You guys are geniuses. You took my already awesome plan and made it a masterpiece." At this point Sirius had to put his hand over his heart and wipe away a fake tear. I had to roll my eyes.
"We do try." Typical. Sirius always makes a scene.
"I was actually worried about asking you guys for help. Why exactly are you helping?" They all looked at each other and started laughing. I swear they have some silent language that no one knows about.
"Well Lily, James is a bit annoying when he won't stop talking about you. He desperately needs to get over you. Because it is very clear you do not return those feelings. Well unless he were to deflate his head which will not happen anytime soon. So we need to get him to stop talking about you in the mean time. Now which one of us is going to knock you up?" I just laughed and walked away. I swear Sirius is just as bad as James.
So now I'm on my way to the fifth year boy's dormitory. We had decided that it would be better if I started when he first woke up. This is going to be priceless. I knocked on the door. And who should answer the door but the prankee himself. "Hi James" I said flashing him a smile. "Can I come in? There's something really important I have to tell you." I find it quite hilarious when he's speechless. Because normally he never shuts up around me.
"Uh..sure Lily. C-come in." Stepping aside he let me pass. The other boys were already up too. Man this is going to be great. I plopped down on his bed. He just stood at the door so I put on an exasperated look.
"James just get over here. It's best to tell you this before you find out from someone else. I really need your help." So he came and joined me on the bed.
"What is it? I'll help with whatever it is."
"Well...you see the thing is...umm..."
"Yes?"
"I'm pregnant." Keeping a straight face is harder than it looks.
"WHAT!" Thankfully, at this point my "boyfriend" came to my rescue.
"Now James, don't be too upset. I know I'd want to kill me to if I were in your position."
"Wait. YOU got her knocked up? You were suppose to be my friend. Best mates for life. How could you Sirius?" This is when I brought the fake tears into play. I love being able to cry at will. I knew it would come in handy some day.
"James! S-s-stop y-yelling. Y-you were s-supposed to help me. I mean what am I going to tell mom and dad? They'll be furious. You have to help me tell them."
"Lily, why would I help you tell your parents? I don't even know them. They'd probably think I was the one who got you pregnant." I'm really glad his friends are such great actors. They was an onset of ewws, and that's gross, and ughs going on.
"Eww. James. Seriously. Why would your parents think you knocked up your sister?" Remus asked.
"My sister?"
"Did you hit your head. I came here for some support and advice on how to tell our parents that I'm pregnant and you pretend like you have no idea we're related. Do I look that stupid?" This was too great.
"But...but...but you're Evans. My sworn hater. You've hated me for all eternity and will never return my love. You said I have a huge ego. You're not my sister."
"Um...James mate. I think you may have been hit by a stray memory charm. Now you don't even claim your sister. She's a year younger than you but got moved to our year because her grades were good enough. She's going out with Sirius - has been for a year. And you have a girlfriend." Woah. That's a new part of the plan. But I like it. Go Peter.
"Wait who's my girlfriend?"
"Man you must have really hit your head hard or something. You've can't remember? You guys have been going out for two years." Man Remus is good too. They can really think on their feet.
"Who is she?"
"Sally Hatfield. My best friend." Oh this is going to be sweet. "But since you obviously don't remember ANYTHING maybe it was a mistake to think that I could actually count on you. I can't believe it. You used to would have done anything for me. But now I see that you've changed. Next time I won't bother. Come on Sirius. Let's get out of here." And me and Sirius walked out. Closely followed by Remus and Peter both shaking their heads disbelievingly at James. We got right outside the portrait hole to the common room and started busting out laughing. "I can't believe the look on his face." I said through laughs.
"I wonder how long it'll take for him to realize that he was just the brunt of a major joke."Sirius wondered aloud.
"I don't know but maybe while it last he'll actually leave me alone. And if all goes well he'll get the hint and stop asking me out every two seconds when he finds out what we did."
Well the consequences of our little joke were pretty large. I think we may have actually embarrassed James Potter. Enough to where he hasn't ask me out for since. I think this plan actually worked. Here's what happened:
I failed to mention to Sally that we used her name in our little prank. It was priceless. I was sitting with the marauders and Sally when James came to lunch. It was Saturday so we didn't have classes. He sat right next to Sally. So everyone was talking and the subject of me being "pregnant" thankfully didn't come up. Well, we were about to leave when James grabbed Sally and kissed her. She was a bit surprised. When she came to her senses, she slapped him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I was just kissing my girlfriend." I knew this was about to get ugly. What made it even greater was that it was all happening in the middle of the Great Hall in front of everyone. Payback for all the times he's embarrassed me in front of a crowd.
"Excuse me. Did you just say girlfriend?"
"Yeah." He was so confused. This is better than television.
"Okay. Let me set something straight here Potter. I have never been your girlfriend. I will never be your girlfriend. You have never even shown any interest in me, so why now? Huh? Is this some sick and twisted way to get Lily? Because it's not funny. I'm beginning to see her side now. You really are an arrogant arse with a giant ego." Yes! I converted someone to my side!
"Wait, wait, wait. So Lily's not my sister?"
"What?"
"And Sirius didn't knock her up?"
"Are you drunk?" Something must have clicked because his eyes got really wide and he turned to face the marauders and me. We were barely containing our laughter at this point. He marched over to where we were sitting.
"You set me up!"
"Well I thought maybe if I was your sister you'd stop asking me out every five minutes." Honestly! It's like no one can pull a good prank but him. Just then an owl flew in and landed in front of James. And it just happened to be carrying a howler.
"Uh oh. I owled my parents saying you were pregnant because I thought they were our parents and you were my sister. Crap!" Wow. He's a bigger idiot than I thought. Well he didn't open the letter and it exploded and Mrs. Potter's screaming and yelling filled the hall.
JAMES ISAAC POTTER! YOU ARE ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLY STUPID? GETTING A YOUNG GIRL PREGNANT! HONESTLY. HAVE YOUR FATHER AND I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING? IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT AGAIN YOU HAD BEST THINK AGAIN. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU FATHER HEARS. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. YOU JUST THREW AWAY YOUR CHANCES OF BECOMING AN AUROR. YOU CAN'T VERY WELL GO TO THE ACADEMY WITH A YOUNG CHILD RUNNING ABOUT NOW CAN YOU? NEXT TIME THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES BEFORE YOU ACT. OR I WILL BE FORCED TO PULL YOU FROM SCHOOL!
James gulped. "I guess she got the impression that I got her pregnant." I swear I think he's more scared of his mother than Voldemort.
Since then he has not asked me out once. He's acknowledged me and said the occasional hi to me but no more dorky pick up lines or date proposals. Life is good. Or is it?
A/N: I was going to finish it with this but it was getting really long so one more chapter. Please Review!