Firstly can I just apologise for quite how long it has taken me to get an update out of this - I blame both my manic workload right now and trying to get my other fic, To Look Out For You, to a point where I was happy with it. Anyway, sorry again for the delay but I have suddenly been reinspired to write this and therefore you now have a new update.
Thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing the last chapter, which seems like so long ago now, and as ever, extra special thanks to Ficmouse (for sharing the writing process and being my medical advisor for last update), Meggi (for being a lovely little star) and Anny (for being awake with me till 4am on far too many occasions to count).
I hope you enjoy the update, here is chapter 14.
For Better, For Worse
Chapter 14
Thursday 8th March 2012
Sam studied her fellow drinkers in the unfamiliar pub with interest as she took the last swig from her bottle of beer and felt a pang of regret as the much welcome taste of alcohol once again burned down her throat. She had never been one to shy away from a few drinks on a night out, in fact booze fuelled nights on the town were something of the staple diet of an army medic and a young doctor combined, yet despite that in the past she had always had a reluctance to drink on any occasion when she would have to return to her husband knowing full well that it would never have been fair of her to fall into his bed or offer him a kiss goodnight with the taste of beer still fresh on her lips. That she was now in the position of being forced to go home to him but not to be welcomed into his strong arms and realising as she now did that he seemed more than happy to allow Zoe to drink in front of him, regardless of whether he had succumbed to temptation himself, caused her to feel incredibly unsettled..
The image of Dr Hanna curled up on the sofa next to Sam's own husband would be scorched into her consciousness forever she was sure as would the slight look of disappointment she thought she had recognised in Dylan's eyes when she had joked about being careful on her night out, but strangely it was that brief acknowledgement she had seen of his feelings towards the entire situation that had caused her own viewpoint to change. Ever since she had arrived at the pub an hour before, over thirty minutes early for her assignation having been unsure of the walking time to this particular establishment, she had not been able to shake the irrational anger she now felt towards the man she loved. There was something about his apparent hypocrisy in his own moving on but unwillingness to accept she may have done the same that stung deeply, but her rage stemmed more from this being coupled with the vast weight of expectation he had placed on her ability to cope without question. She knew that it had always been her insistence that she stay on to be his support and to offer him care and this was a decision she knew she would stand by regardless of the awkwardness she felt. Nonetheless only two days in to her daunting role his lack of understanding of the difficult position she was in and his usual lack of tact were grating on her more and more with each passing moment stuck aboard his boat with only the sanity of Dervla for company.
Sam couldn't help but feel guilty for even allowing herself to be angry with a man who was so defenceless and vulnerable at that moment, especially in light of how humiliated he had obviously felt under her gaze following his accident earlier that day. However that same guilt was tempered by the thought of him ending up in an intimate embrace with Zoe, an image which caused her mind to briefly be grateful that due to Dylan's current medical state he would be unable to pursue further in the bedroom. She instinctively winced and bit down hard on her lip as she pondered whether it actually made her the worst wife in the world for even giving that cruel concept headroom, but decided she had already won that award the day she cheated on her husband in some bizarre attempt to save her fragile marriage and therefore decided to dismiss her awful thoughts as the result of a very stressful day taking care of a person she should really be considering as no more than a highly difficult patient.
"So what exactly were your plans for this evening until I decided to take pity on you?" Nick asked as he appeared beside the lonely looking girl and handed her the bottle of beer he clutched in one hand, before seating himself and his own glass down across the table from her. He had not long since arrived at the bar having been left dealing with a patient of Zoe's that had gone into crisis as she had been clocking off shift and she had shot him a pleading look before heading out into the darkness. If at first he had been annoyed at her for putting her dinner date with Dr Keogh ahead of staying after her shift to manage her patient this feeling had quickly been replaced with sympathy, as he knew how his ex-partner had been whizzing between trepidation and anticipation when it came to finally having the chance to spend some quality alone time with Dylan away from the hospital in light of the difficult last week they had both faced.
Nick watched Sam sitting expressionless in front of him cradling the bottle in her hands as she looked every inch a young woman dressed up for a night on the tiles than she did an injured man's wife and he allowed himself to wonder what exactly her original plans for the night were. He had felt it inappropriate timing to ask what her intentions had been when he had picked up the phone the previous afternoon and it transpired in the course of their conversation that she had been standing in a supermarket struggling with the decision over dinner options for her husband's meal with Zoe, which in itself appeared to him to be an ill-advised activity for her to be engaged in and why she had suggested preparing the meal in the first place he was still unsure. Nonetheless he looked at her now with a mixture of hope that she had already made arrangements before he had put forward the suggestion of drinks and despair at the thought she may not have done before he decided that her lack of immediate response was a sign that in fact the latter may indeed be the case and he considered with horror quite what that would have meant for her activities this night if he had not called.
"What were you going to do?" he asked, but unsure if he was ready to hear the blunt honesty of the answer he was likely to receive from the no nonsense medic. "Sit on a park bench all night maybe? Get drunk in a bar by yourself?"
"Perhaps," Sam shrugged non-committedly. "I'm sure I could have found something to do to keep myself amused," she added without emotional commitment, but knowing full well quite how grateful she was to have the friendly face of her only confidante in Holby in front of her that evening with all that she was trying to distract herself from. It was strange for her to think that she had only met this man a matter of a week before, but in the last seven days she could not count the number of times she had gate-crashed his office to have a conversation, preferably over a drink and they had chatted long into the night on more than one occasion. She knew it was wrong, but a small part of her would pick out her enforced separation from someone like Nick to talk to as a downside of Dylan actually being released from hospital in the first place.
"Right," Nick answered slowly, knowing he had failed to hide his disbelief at that remark. "Zoe told me about dinner not long after you left on Tuesday and she was pretty adamant that you had somewhere else you'd rather be tonight," he continued without really expecting his uncommunicative companion to give him a response.
"And yet you still phoned to invite me out?" Sam enquired, trying but failing to keep the sarcasm from her voice when she did, as she briefly considered that her two alternative options had been to get slowly drunk alone to block out the events on the boat or to find someone else to get drunk with, in a way she was sure would have felt like a masochistic act of self-punishment when she regretted it the next day and the guilt at betraying her already deceased marriage hit her all over again.
"I'm quite glad I did," Nick countered, pondering momentarily on what mischief this feisty young woman could have gotten up to in a new town by herself with nothing to lose. "I dread to think where you would have ended up otherwise," he joked to lighten the mood and caught the momentary smile that crossed the previously pursed lips of Dr Nicholls as she responded to his comment.
"You know I'm more than capable of taking care of myself," she retorted with a laugh, wondering if this man could actually read her thoughts. "I am in the army you know and I've had quite a while to get used to my own company surprisingly enough, so I'm sure I would have been just fine."
"Do you always do that?" Nick asked, causing the girl to look back at him questioningly as she shook her head uncertainly in response to the query she had not understood. "Pretend things don't bother you when it's pretty obvious you're having some issues with what is going on?" he continued and noted that she immediately glanced away. "You're still his wife Sam; you are allowed to think this whole set up is a little strange."
"Technically," she replied instantly, scrunching her eyes up tightly for a moment to try and prevent that outward acknowledgement of her situation from causing her tears. "I'm only technically his wife," she clarified for the benefit of Nick. "It's Zoe he loves, not me, not that I'm surprised," she explained earnestly with more honesty that she intended. "You've seen her right? Well of course you have, you used to date her too," she added sharply. "I mean they're even talking about having a baby for God's sake," Sam exclaimed with indignation.
"I'm sorry?" Nick queried, spluttering and almost choking on his own drink as he did so. "Did he tell you that?"
"Yeah, didn't you know?" she replied sadly, shooting him a small apologetic look as she did so. "Sorry, I just assumed she would have told you. It can't be easy for you to hear either given how close you and Zoe used to be. It's just when we were together Dylan never once brought up having a baby and I mean, well, he's never been keen on kids, even when they're patients of his and now he is stressing about whether his injuries will stop him from becoming a dad like he was just waiting for the right person to come along to have a child with. A person that isn't me that is," she added bitterly and bit down hard on her lip before taking a long swig of beer and draining the contents of the bottle.
Nick considered her words with a bemused interest, as for the first time he became aware that Dr Keogh may well be considering a life post his current relationship with Dr Hanna and wondered quite how aware of this fact Zoe may actually be and whether it was likely he was going to end up having to manage the emotions of two heartbroken women in the near future, rather than just this one.
"I'm not sure Zoe wants kids you know," Nick found himself interjecting tactfully; not wanting to break his ex's confidence about her medical status with her current partner's technical spouse. He had recalled immediately that in the aftermath of the fire before Christmas the woman concerned had been involved in a frank discussion with Dylan over the possibility of them having a future relationship, which he was sure would have included her disclosing that she was unable to have a child of her own. In fact he was certain that she had indeed made such a statement to him because Nick could recall the anger she had shown on learning Dylan actually had a wife just a week ago when she had explained how Dr Keogh had previously informed her he was not the marrying kind, which she had taken on board prior to entering into her current connection with him. He could barely imagine that Zoe would have taken such honesty from Dylan without also baring her own scars in response, as despite all he himself had been through with her and all the mistruths she had told him when they were together Nick knew that she was basically an honest and straightforward person when it came to such matters of the heart.
"Whatever," Sam said dismissively, shrugging again as she did so. "Her, someone else, someone that isn't me," she continued. "It makes no difference either way, it's just a final nail in the coffin of my marriage and another reason for us to sort out this divorce as soon as is practical," she elaborated. "If I'm going to be sticking around for a while, we might as well try and get that finalised if nothing else. It'll be easier to do it when I'm here than when I'm posted back out to Afghanistan."
"You're going to divorce him whilst you're living under the same roof as him?" Nick questioned in astonishment. "Isn't that going to make things more complicated than they need to be right now?"
"Not if it's what we both want," Sam responded, finding herself being suddenly defensive of her ability to remain on good terms with her husband even through such a difficult period of time. "We've toughed things out before, so I doubt this would be any different and I doubt he will see it as anything other than a positive given he's current curled up on his sofa enjoying a romantic night in with his girlfriend anyway," she countered.
"Not that you're bothered or anything?" Nick retorted, sensing her weakness over how much she was struggling with the current set of circumstances. From the moment she had informed him of her intentions to stay and care for her husband, Nick had found himself concerned that Sam was taking on far too difficult a challenge in an emotional sense rather than a medical one, as he had no doubts over her clinical ability from the little he knew of her. He reflected back to his own past medical issues and knew that there was no doubt in his mind that if a similar situation recurred he would not be able to ask Zoe to become his carer in the way Sam had for Dylan these last few days, as he was well aware that neither of them would be able to manage their feelings or attitude for long enough to make it viable. How the gruff Dr Keogh and his outspoken wife thought they could possibly make this situation work without one or other of them losing it completely he was still far from sure.
"In another life I wouldn't have cheated on him, in another life he'd have married someone like Zoe all along," Sam started, conveying with her tone every ounce of depression that currently weighed down upon her. "In another life he'd be happy and I'd be free, but we're not in another life and it's not exactly like I've got many other options right now," she added. "I mean I didn't even tell him where I was going tonight, he probably thinks I am out on a date or something."
"You mean this isn't a date then?" Nick queried in mock-hurt, before sensing her alarm. "I'm joking, don't worry," he continued. "But thanks for making it clear what you thought of that idea!" he concluded with a wry smile.
"Sorry," she replied, finding herself vaguely amused and horrified in equal measure at even the thought of being involved in a liaison with Nick Jordan. "It's just that would be far too weird for words," she concluded teasingly before wondering whether anyone looking into this situation, Dylan included, would think there was anything amiss about her one-to-one drinks with her husband's much older boss, especially given her own track record with older men. Sam quickly found herself pushing that thought from her mind on the grounds that Nick Jordan had more of a paternal air about him than a romantic one, especially in the way he looked at her as if he cared, and therefore even the thought of something more being perceived between them made her feel slightly nauseous.
Two hours later the two of them were quietly sat in the leather seats of Nick's sports car parked up just along the road from where Sam needed to access the path to Dylan's boat. Nick looked over to study the young woman who had been silent since they left the pub a short time before with interest. From their conversational topics of the evening it was clear to him that despite the fact she was struggling to cope with the difficult situation she found herself in Sam was doing her level best to do the right thing by her ex-husband, whether that be through guilt at earlier mistakes or just a sense of loving compassion he was uncertain. Nevertheless he found himself admiring her strength, especially as it was vastly apparent quite how much being around Dylan's new relationship was hurting her and he allowed himself to wonder not for the first time whether the man at the centre of Sam's world had any idea how hard he was making it for her to stay by his side.
He noted that Sam was staring straight ahead to where Dylan's clapped out car was parked and realised her eyes were instinctively panning the other parking spaces, most likely to see if any of the remaining vehicles belonged to someone she did not wish to bump into later on.
"Her car is still here," Nick chipped in and she glanced round at him before nodding grimly. "She didn't say anything about staying over though did she?"
"No," Sam responded simply, but shaking her head to rid that thought from her mind. She knew from her own investigations into the boat's various cupboards and storage spaces that the majority of items Zoe would need to facilitate an overnight stay were already present on board and therefore all she could hold onto was that the woman's bag when she had arrived would not have been large enough to hold a change of clothes for someone as well-presented as the older female had always seemed to her.
"You know it isn't going to get any easier, don't you?" Nick probed, but Sam could not bring herself to respond. "A few weeks of you and Dylan cooped up on that boat together would be enough to drive anyone mad I'm sure," he continued before hesitating. "I know he isn't there yet, but maybe once he is a little more stable on his feet you could do some locum work for us?"
"Really?" Sam quipped back shortly. "I can't see Zoe being particularly happy with that idea," she answered.
"Leave her to me," Nick responded, confident that whilst his initial concept had been to provide the young doctor with a distraction, the added bonus of having her away from Dylan for a few hours a day would be more than enough to convince Dr Hanna of the validity of the idea, but realising regardless that having the two women in the department together would definitely cause fireworks, with Sam appearing more than capable of standing her ground against the older, more experienced female he was sure. "I'm not expecting an answer right now, I mean you're seeing Dylan's consultant tomorrow and I'm sure he will be able to give you more idea regarding timescales but just have a think about it alright?" Nick asked. "And don't think I'm just offering this to you for the sake of it or because I feel sorry for you. We were already short staffed and that was before Dr Keogh decided to get himself run over."
"I'll have to talk to Dylan first," Sam responded feeling uncertain. "I mean I don't think it's a bad idea, I like being busy and I've got NHS experience, but I've just walked in and taken over his home, he might not appreciate me taking over his workplace too," she added for clarification.
"That's fine, just so long as you know the offer is there," Nick answered her, feeling reassured that she was not dismissing him out of hand. "And in the meantime, if you ever fancy another drink or even just to have a chat, give me a call alright? I'm always partial to a bit of company over a few drinks to wind down after a shift," he added, contemplating whether he would be able to coerce her into a night out with some of the other E.D. staff, specifically those closer to her own age than either he or Dylan, so that if nothing else she had people to talk to and enjoy a decent night out with, as he doubted she would be leaving town anytime in the foreseeable future regardless of the consultants current predictions.
"Sure," she acknowledged, taking comfort from knowing that she appeared to have gained one friend in Holby even if she felt like she was losing her husband for the second time. "I should get going, see if he's alright," she added reluctantly, unsure exactly what scene would await her as she entered the place that had become her temporary home in the last seven days.
"Call me alright?" Nick prompted again, reaching over and squeezing her arm as she undid the seatbelt that was still clasped fast around her. "Anytime," he concluded, noting the smallest of smiles that the young woman wordlessly elicited in response. "I'll see you tomorrow ok?"
"Course. Thanks," Sam replied simply before opening the door and exiting the vehicle, turning around to offer her companion a small wave of goodbye before heading into the murky darkness towards the now familiar boat and hoping against hope as she did that the other woman in her husband's life would be ready to go home soon enough so her own walk with Dervla would not have to last for the entirety of the bitterly cold night to spare her the indignation of watching her husband fawn over someone else.
Thank you for reading, remember reviews make me happy and I will endeavour to get the next part up far quicker than I've managed with this one. Callie x