Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the last chapter, your comments always make me smile and it makes me happy people are enjoying this fic as much as I like writing it. Anyway, special dedications to Meggi, Anny and Ficmouse for keeping me company this week when I have not been feeling great, much appreciated as always!

So here is chapter 18, hope you enjoy it.

For better, for worse

Chapter 18

Friday 13th April 2012

Sam walked back along the path to the boat enjoying the feel of the early morning sunshine on her skin as she headed home from work after another night shift. Working the graveyard slot in the first few hours of a Friday the 13th had been much more laid back surprisingly than any other night she had worked, causing her to assess that the majority of E.D. timewasters and drunkards were a lot more superstitious than she was and had stayed in a place of relative safety to avoid traumatic and horrendous accidents. The fact that it had been quiet had turned out not to be the godsend she had originally anticipated it would be however, as the lack of action had meant her mind had been given more than enough time to contemplate why she was not asleep at such a ridiculous hour and consequently she was therefore far more tired than would normally be expected, having spent the last couple of hours fighting to keep herself awake.

She had also found herself wishing for a major incident, which she knew was incredibly warped but the minimal number of patients they had actually been landed with in the twelve hours she had been there would barely have taxed a medical students brain. Sam was pretty sure she had taken on Nick's advice and started to develop her bedside manner with the minor cases, but some of the insignificant injuries they all had to deal with were just mind numbingly boring and she was still far more keen on being in the thick of things in resus than she was in Dylan's apparent favoured haunt of CDU dealing with non-trauma cases, although she could fully understand the appeal for him of playing Sherlock Holmes with the intriguing mix of symptoms some of the stranger cases presented with.

The only bonus that she had taken from the lack of patients had been that she had gotten a quick exit at the end of her shift, something she had not seemed able to do on any day since her very first working in Holby. It had quickly become normality for her to work an extra hour at the end of most stints, meaning that her days were fast becoming longer, especially when she took into account the cooking, cleaning and caring she was doing for Dylan before she left and when she got in. Sam had become more than a little aware over the past four weeks quite how difficult working parents or carers must find it to manage with even the most simple day to day tasks for themselves, as she barely had the time to breathe never mind actually have a life between her working pattern, sleeping and taking care of her husband.

As she approached the boat she remembered how bizarrely relieved she had been the previous day when Dylan had informed her Zoe was coming over for dinner but was bringing take-away with her. Whilst she still held a resentment towards her older female colleague, in that one moment the fact that she was removing from her the need to cook or settle Dylan for the night before her departure for work had positively made Sam want to hug the woman the moment she arrived, although she had managed to refrain from doing so. The two of them had now been successfully working opposing shifts for pretty much the last fortnight, which had done a great deal to remove the latent animosity that had developed between them from their first shared shift, but had also added its own unintended complications.

Sam recalled how on the majority of the occasions she was back at the boat, Dylan was now fast asleep with his body clock having quickly adjusted to Zoe's altered shift pattern so that the two of them could spend quality time together, something that Sam knew she had initially been the one to insist would be a positive step. However whilst it pleased her that the couple were appearing to be working through the issues that had plagued them post Dylan's accident, it was beginning to grate on her that she had once again regressed from being her husband's confidante to be nothing more than the housekeeper and carer she initially signed up to be back in early March. Sam was fully aware that this should not be bothering her as much as it was, but Dylan's choice to work around Zoe's life rather than hers had felt like yet another nail in the coffin of their already dead marriage. It was thoughts like that which had prompted her to visit a solicitor to discuss her options, something she had yet to inform Dylan of and whilst the last thing she wanted to do was to add to the difficult reality he currently faced she knew that for the sake of her own sanity if nothing else, they could not continue as they were. Sam recalled just how much it stung on the days she had woken up beside him to feel his warmth against her skin only to hear him arranging plans with his new partner on the phone mere hours later. It was on days like those that she wondered why she still stayed, knowing that her husband was now growing more mobile by the day and would have the capability to deal with his own outstanding injuries soon enough if she chose to walk away. However despite her nagging doubts over the need for her to remain by his side, Sam knew wholeheartedly that there was no chance she would be able to convince herself that walking away was a better option, no matter how much it was hurting her to stay,

She wrestled her key from her bag and let herself into the boat, careful to remain quiet to avoid waking her sleeping husband and once again felt that strange sensation wash over her of being an intruder in the place she had begun to refer to as her home. That she could share Dylan's bed every day, care for him intimately and support him through every hospital consultation but still feel like she was on the outside looking in was unsettling to say the least, but Sam had accepted that in order to survive the situation in tact she just had to allow these odd thoughts to wash over her so she yet again dismissed it from her mind.

"Hello darling," she whispered, squatting down to greet the dog who had barrelled towards her as soon as she entered the boat. "I know I owe you a walk, so I am just going to check on grumpy and then we'll go," she added more chirpily, feeling more herself now that she was back with her familiar canine companion. Sam dropped her bag on the floor and headed towards the short hallway that led to Dylan's room, before gingerly pushing down the handle and opening the door quietly so that she would not disturb the man who was most likely sound asleep and snoring inside.

Sam gasped as the door slid open and she was faced with the sight of Zoe tucked up in bed beside him, her visible bare arm and shoulder giving her all the indication she needed that the two parties present had done more than just sleep, albeit that Dylan was still not physically capable of much in the way of intimacy given his injury. She stood motionless for well over a minute just staring at the pair and the satisfied look on her husband's face, trying to force her brain to comprehend what her eyes were seeing. Until that moment she had not realised the couple were sharing a bed once again or that in her absence they may have been doing more than simply spending time together, although thinking back she could not see why she hadn't spotted this coming a mile off.

Sam felt an undeniable wave of nausea surge up her throat and she ran back to the kitchen where she instantly vomited into the sink, choking back on tears as she did so. She knew that the two people curled up together only metres away were both grown adults and the fact that she herself was still technically married to Dylan notwithstanding they were both free agents and therefore able to do as they pleased. Yet there was something in the unexpected discovery that felt harsh, as if the couple had been lying to her or somehow exploiting her naivety with their actions. Furthermore she had to face the realisation that her marriage had now disintegrated all over again, despite being aware that this was an irrational thought and, there was an unnerving sense of heartbreak that she had not felt since the day she had told Dylan she was leaving him to go back to Afghanistan before breaking down behind her bedroom door. She had known well enough that the tension that had appeared between them since they had started to once again share a bed was temporary, an awkward hangover from the bittersweet memories of their marriage, but in spite of this Sam now comprehended that whilst she had been allowing herself to daydream of a reunion, her husband's mind had always remained on someone else entirely.

The bitter taste of sick in her mouth was overwhelming and she reached out to grab a cup, before quickly filling it with water from the tap and draining it even faster as she gulped at it to take away the vile sensation on her tongue. She almost dropped the glass in shock as the comforting form of Dervla appeared by her feet, looking up at her forlornly and she found herself briefly contemplating if the canine too realised that this was the end of something important just as she had seemed to do on the day Sam herself had said goodbye.

"Let's go," she said hurriedly, grabbing the dog's lead from the side and making her way back off the boat far faster than she had arrived, desperate to get away from thoughts of what had been occurring the night before in her husband's room and the bed she had only climbed out of less than eighteen hours before herself. The sunlight that hit her eyes as she opened the door now felt far too bright and disconcerting but Sam had to accept as she pulled the door closed behind her that this may be because those very same eyes were now filled with tears.

Dylan heard a faint clicking noise and scrunched his eyes up tightly as he was slowly brought back to consciousness from his slumber. As he began to wake up he realised he was sleeping at a strange angle and turned his neck sharply from side to side to stretch out his aching muscles and blinked his eyes repeatedly to gain some focus on his surroundings with daylight streaming through a crack in the curtains into the room. He could feel the form of someone lying beside him, but as he started to regain his faculties he identified that this person was not his usual sleeping companion, as their skin felt different against his own and the positioning of the person was not Samantha's usual placement in the bed. He cocked his head slightly to gain a better look and instantly recognised Zoe asleep under the covers with him and this caused a recollection of the events of the night before.

He slowly recalled how after dinner she had helped him towards his bed, insisting that as Sam would not be home until early morning he could not struggle to do everything alone whatever he may think. It had been against his better judgement that their conversation had continued long past the point when he had managed to deal with his personal care, independently of her help he was relieved to remember, but he was hazy on which one of them it had been who had initiated the kiss that had led to them being where they were situated at that moment. He did have a clear memory of him halting Zoe as she started unbuttoning her shirt to remind her that he was not fit and able to consider going where her mind might be wondering. Nonetheless he was certain she had dismissed his concerns and pointed out that there were plenty of other things she knew he was capable of, before she continued undressing in front of his gaze. However despite the activities that he knew they had actually, Dylan felt certain that the chemistry between them had been far less than he would have anticipated before his accident and unlike when he shared a bed on an almost daily basis with Samantha, there had been none of the crackling tension between him and his partner when they finally lay down to sleep. Even when their marriage had been breaking down, he recalled that his wife's touch upon his arm had always felt electric and yet somehow that connection he had been so sure had been there between him and Zoe before Samantha had reappeared mere weeks ago seemed absent now and he found himself staring at the woman sleeping beside him more in confusion than with anything else.

In horror Dylan glanced towards the clock and quickly realised that if current form was to go by he had less than an hour until Samantha was home from her shift and it dawned on him that he needed to ensure Zoe had departed by that point, if only to spare his ex-wife's feelings at witnessing him in bed with another woman, a point of irony that was not lost on him given that his marriage had broken down in the first place due to his wife straying with another man. As he reached over to shake Zoe awake he found himself incredibly irritated that she had allowed them both to go to sleep knowing full well that they would have to face the consequences in the morning, as he knew circumstances would be significantly worse if Samantha was to return at that moment and whilst he was unsure exactly why, he didn't doubt for a second that Zoe would have been able to comprehend this the night before.

"Morning," Zoe stated sleepily as her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him, but it was as he took in her happy expression at having woken up beside him that Dylan recalled how his mind had been on Samantha most of the previous evening and how incredibly frustrated he had been to wake up under the spell of her excruciating touch the day before and being physically incapable of acting upon his feelings. That he had somehow allowed that pent up unfulfilled lust for his wife to culminate in him spending the night with Zoe was a mystery to him but although he knew he had been wrong in his actions towards his partner, it felt more important to him in that moment to address the impending nature of Samantha's arrival before the situation worsened.

"Yes, good morning," Dylan replied uncomfortably, shifting his gaze away from her quickly as she smiled back at him. "You need to leave," he added curtly.

"I need to leave?" Zoe asked with a bemused chuckle. "Seriously Dylan, way to make a girl feel special the morning after the night before," she added, leaning over to place a kiss on his lips but pulling back when he failed to reciprocate. "You mean it don't you? You want me to go?" she questioned, looking horrified when he just stared back at her unspeaking but saying everything he needed to with his lack of communication. "You're throwing me out? Dylan we just spent our first night together after your accident and whilst it wasn't exactly the same," she explained, referencing how his injury had impacted on their usual night time activities. "It just felt right to be back where we were a few weeks ago, back when it was just us and things weren't so complicated."

"That is the point though," Dylan countered snappily. "It isn't just us now is it? And whilst I am certain Samantha would be putting out the bunting to see us back together properly, I would rather she didn't walk into this room in less than an hour's time and find us together," he elaborated. "As much as I would rather not have the conversation I do feel it would only be appropriate for me to inform her of the change in circumstances before she witnessed it with her own eyes."

"Appropriate Dylan? Change in circumstances? This is our relationship not a business transaction," Zoe argued back, failing to keep the displeasure she was feeling from being etched across her facial expression. "Fine, whatever, I'll go," she continued, rolling herself over to the other side of the bed and reaching down to pick up her underwear and clothes from the floor before hurriedly dressing herself in determination to get out of his room before either she cried or said something they might both regret when they thought about it afterwards. As she sat perched on the edge of the mattress with her back to him she could feel his gaze boring into her but could not bring herself to turn around to look at him. In an odd way she knew she understood the concept of what he was saying and that in Sam's shoes it would be far better to hear that things were definitely back on track between her ex-husband and his new partner than witness the liaison first hand, but what did not sit right with her was how Dylan was suddenly capable of putting his ex-wife's feelings ahead of their own, or that he was even emotionally aware enough of the situation to even consider Sam's feelings in the first place. "Listen," she started reluctantly as she finished dressing herself. "I get that you want to talk to her, but I'm not prepared to keep doing this. It's me and you that are together now, not you and Sam, and right now you're making me feel like the other woman in your marriage," she continued honestly. "That isn't what I signed up for and unless you get this sorted, we can't go on like this."

"Quite," Dylan replied simply, staring straight ahead and refusing to acknowledge Zoe's eyes upon him. She leant back across the bed and slowly placed a kiss on his cheek before silently leaving the room and pulling the bedroom door closed behind her, breathing deeply to steady her emotions. She hastily crossed the living room, grabbing her coat and bag from where she had left them by the doorway before heading out into the daylight and off the boat without hesitation.

Zoe stormed down the path back towards her car still fuming at her forced exit from the boat and hating that here she was, in what she had deemed a committed relationship until just a few moments before, doing the walk of shame back to her car this early in the morning in last night's clothes and having not even stopped long enough to have a decent wash or fix her hair up before her departure. She glanced up the path ahead of her and cursed herself for having considered that this day couldn't get any worse when she spied Sam walking towards her, looking as confused as she felt and with a dog lead in her hand. Zoe smiled at the younger woman as they approached each other and it was as she really took in the girl's expression and the presence of Dervla by her side that it struck her that despite Dylan's best efforts to resolve this situation amicably, Sam must already have been back to the boat and witnessed the scene her ex-husband had been so determined to protect her from.

"Hi," Zoe stated simply, feeling unsure of the protocol of this particular situation despite her own complex relationship history. "You're walking the dog," she added, mentally kicking herself for saying the complete obvious.

"Yeah, figured Dervla needed some exercise before I crash out for the day," Sam answered politely, apparently more interested in the ground in front of her as she came to a halt a few feet away from Zoe than she was at looking at the other woman directly. "How's Dylan?"

"Fine, he's fine," Zoe responded, instantly feeling even more than a little uncomfortable. "I, um," she started, but realised she actually didn't have any words to cover this circumstance. "I need to get going, um, things to do."

"Yeah," Sam acknowledged, nodding her head slightly. "I should get back too. It's been a long night," she ended, before briefly glancing up at Zoe and then continuing her reluctant walk towards the boat, grateful to get away from the incredible awkwardness of the situation she had just found herself in. As she reached her destination she turned around to spy Dr Hanna scurrying back in the direction of where she usually parked her vehicle when visiting Dylan and found herself briefly wondering why the woman had left so quickly, given the couple had been sleeping so peacefully together only fifteen minutes before.

Sam opened the door to the boat and allowed Dervla to run in ahead of her, before she slowly took the steps down into the living area uncertain as to what she would be confronted with when she saw Dylan. She paused as she re-entered the space and spotted all the signs she had missed of the enjoyable evening the couple had obviously had the night before, with plates and glasses stacked up on the draining board and take-away containers piled up atop the small bin.

"Sam?" Dylan called through from his room, breaking her trail of thought and causing her to rub her eyes quickly to remove the tears that had silently started to drip down her cheeks. "Is that you?" she heard him add and she found herself walking towards his bedroom filled with trepidation as to how she was going to face him once more.

"Morning," she stated as she opened the door and studied her husband as he sat propped up against the cushions on his bed. "Have a good night?" she added, pointedly giving him the option of explaining to her that things had changed since she had last seen him.

"It was pleasant," Dylan replied quickly, unable to find any words to elaborate on the events of the previous night further and determined not to have this conversation with her whilst he was still lying in his bed and she was obviously exhausted from a long shift. She sat down on the bed beside him, unusually he thought choosing to sit on the edge of his side rather than pull herself up to lie on the side she had been sleeping on for the last few weeks. He stared at her intently, realising with sadness that it appeared she had been crying over something. "Rough shift?" he questioned, hoping that this would prompt her to explain whatever was wrong.

"No, fairly standard," she responded without hesitation before glancing over to him and he instinctively reached out to wipe his thumb under her right eye to remove the tear stain that had been left in her foundation. "I need to check your dressings and then get some sleep," she continued with a hint of irritation evident in her voice, which Dylan put down to her embarrassment at being caught out feeling emotional. He watched as she shuffled up the bed towards him before making to pull down the covers, at which point he took hold of her wrist with his hand and pulled her closer towards him.

"What's wrong?" he queried, catching hold of her other wrist as she tried to free herself frustratedly from his grasp. "Sam, come on, something is obviously wrong. Just talk to me please," he continued but sensed her stubborn refusal to engage in conversation with him so instead reeled her closer in towards him until they were just centimetres apart. Dylan found himself gazing straight into her familiar deep blue eyes and as he lost himself totally in the moment, he leant forward to kiss her momentarily before she pulled away, staring back at him puzzled. There was the shortest of pauses before Dylan found her lips crashing back down onto his and as their balance of weight shifted in the passionate embrace, he felt his wife allow herself to be dragged down on top of him as her fingertips dug into the bare skin of his shoulders.

"No, Dylan we can't," Sam mumbled into him between kisses, using her strength to push herself back out of his tight embrace and forcing her body into a seated position on the bed next to him. "I can't be that person for you," she tried to explain, stumbling over the words as she did so on seeing a look of abject confusion cross her husband's face. "Not now, not like this," she added as an afterthought, pushing memories of witnessing him asleep beside Zoe from her head as best she could. She knew that mentioning that to him would hurt her just as much as he would hate to discuss it and given what had just happened between them she doubted that this was the time or place to have that conversation. "Just let me get on with checking your dressings and then I'll get out of your hair," she stated matter-of-factly, inwardly deciding that the detachment she would have in treating him like the patient she was supposed to be seeing him as would help her separate the emotional mess currently inside her mind from the harsh reality of the situation she found herself in.

"We aren't even going to discuss what just happened?" Dylan questioned, raising his eyebrows in surprised that his usually argumentative and opinionated wife appeared to have lost her tongue.

"No, it was a mistake and deep down we both know that," Sam whispered tersely. "You were adamant that you wouldn't let Zoe nurse you because you were in a relationship with her and yet here I am taking care of you with you thinking the situation would be improved by you kissing me," she continued accusingly. "You can't have it both ways Dylan, it doesn't work like that," she shouted, glaring at him before a sense of bewilderment fell across her and she licked her lips to be sure of what she had discovered.

"What?" Dylan queried as her face fell into a frown and he saw the disappointment in her eyes, which was quickly replaced with anger.

"You've been drinking?" Sam retorted sharply. "Don't try to deny it I can taste it Dylan, it isn't like I don't know what to look for. You've started drinking again and you slept with Zoe, could this day get any better?" she argued, desperation kicking in at how horrible this position felt to her. "Were you ever going to tell me? Tell me you were drinking or that Zoe is now welcome to sleep in the same spot in this damn bed that I've been occupying for the past few weeks," she continued, slamming her hand down onto the duvet in frustration. "I saw her Dylan," she added sadly for clarification. "I came home earlier and I saw her."

"I'm an adult Samantha," Dylan replied after a pause, his voice dangerously low as he struggled to control both his anger at himself and his temper towards her. "If I choose to drink then that is my decision to make," he justified, realising that the addition of alcohol intake did at least enable him to make slightly more sense of his apparently irrational decision making process the previous night in inviting Zoe to share his bed. He briefly wondered whether his partner had been aware of his drinking, finding himself recalling the possibility of swigging some of her wine directly from the bottle when the weirdness of the situation he had found himself in had begun to hit home whilst Zoe had been clearing away the dinner plates late in the evening. "And as you are already aware, I am in a relationship with Zoe, one you stated you were happy to support if I remember correctly," he added with irritation. "You said I can't have it both ways, well neither can you. You were the one that ended our marriage so if I choose to spend the night with someone else that is hardly any of your business."

"I'm not saying I would have tried to stop you," Sam countered angrily, standing up and stalking over to the other side of the room to remove herself from his immediate vicinity. "I am just saying that given I live here too and that you have been more than happy to let me sleep in this bed most days since I arrived, you could have at least shown me the courtesy of telling me that the moment I jumped out of it you let her climb straight into my spot whilst it was still warm," she spat back at him. "Letting me just walk in on you like that was cruel even by your standards or are you too shutdown to see that?"

"What and you telling me you had been cheating on me with that man for months wasn't cruel Samantha?" Dylan responded dismissively, regretting dreadfully that he had not woken up several hours earlier that morning and whisked Zoe from the house before his wife had walked in on the scene she had witnessed but also finding himself increasingly frustrated that his limited mobility meant he would have great difficulty in physically preventing her from leaving at that moment. "We aren't together anymore. You have no right to dictate what I do, regardless of why you're here."

"You know what Dylan," Sam shouted, moving towards the bed and leaning forwards to make her point. "I might have been the one to tear us apart but I never stopped caring about you. I said I would stick around to help you, surely that counts for something? I'm not asking you to put your life on hold, I was just expecting that you would have taken my feelings into account," she continued, trying to keep the distress from her voice but recognising that she was barely succeeding. "How could you think it wouldn't hurt me that you haven't told me what's going on?"

"What like you did you mean?" Dylan argued from his seated position, scrunching up the duvet in his hands as he struggled to keep his cool. "I gave up everything for you and you just threw it back in my face, just like you always do and now you have the cheek to stand here and criticise me for wanting to live my own life and put me first for once," he retorted bitterly. "It was always about you, I always put you first."

"I never asked you to," Sam bit back, the feelings of guilt she had felt since their relationship had first been made public and Dylan had been forced to quit a job he loved flooding back through her veins almost instantaneously. "And for the record, I can think of plenty of times you never put me or our marriage first," she added sadly, "So sleep with Zoe, get drunk and do what the hell you like, but don't expect me to pick up the pieces because I can't do that, not after last time."

"As you said, I never asked you to," Dylan snapped, reiterating his wife's statement as he recalled the memories of that difficult period of their marriage. "Just get out Samantha, I don't need you here anymore," he continued sharply, blinking rapidly to stop himself from crying in front of her this time around.

"Don't worry, I'm gone," Sam answered croakily, her voice barely audible as a whisper as she held herself together to prevent the tears in her eyes from falling. "This was a mistake, me being here was a mistake. I'm no good for you, I never was."

For a moment the two of them stared at each other silently, reflecting on the row they had just had and the situation that this left them in, before Sam turned on her heel and fled the room, heading back through the boat at the quickest speed possible, grabbing Dervla's lead once more and taking the trusty canine out for her second walk of the hour in order to remove herself completely from the confines of Dylan's home.

Sam finally came to a halt from her almost run by a grass verge which she collapsed down onto and finally allowed herself to cry. With the exception of her current doggy company she felt completely alone in the world and totally unsure as to quite why she had remained in Holby for so long in the first place. She replayed some of the cruel words her and Dylan had just spoken at each other, physically wincing at some of the painful jibes she had both received and delivered. Sam knew full well that Dylan tended to react in anger when he either couldn't understand her actions or put up an emotional blockade to prevent himself from having to discuss something he felt uncomfortable talking about and usually however irritated she was, she could prevent herself from rising to his comments. However she was aware enough of her own emotions to know that she coped with being hurt by reacting angrily herself and therefore she had unforgivably lashed out at him in return, saying some things she doubted she would be able to take back easily even if he afforded her the opportunity of trying.

Sam felt the warm comfort of Dervla clambering into her lap and she buried her sobbing face into the dog's coat, trying desperately not to think about what would happen next and how she was going to manage facing Dylan when she returned to the boat, knowing as she did that whatever had already occurred she had signed on to care for him, so regardless of her own feelings she would soon have to go back and carry on as normal, a fact which only made her cry even harder than she had been before.

Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed, please review... sorry you may not have gotten the happy ending to this chapter you might have hoped for! Anyway, next part will hopefully be up at the weekend.

Callie x