Thank you as always to all of you who reviewed the last chapter, especially given how most of you came back especially to do that due to issues with FFN on Friday. Your comments always make me smile and thank you for the feedback, knowing that I got the last chapter in character was very positive for me indeed. Sorry for unexpectedly hurting Sam, but it just needed to be done!

Anyway here is the next update, part 3. I hope you enjoy it.

To look out for you

The definition of beautiful

Beautiful: adjective; pleasing the senses of mind aesthetically.

Sam Nicholls

Sam felt the tears blurring her eyes the moment Tess and Zoe exited the cubicle and finally left her alone. It had taken every ounce of strength that she had had left to hold it together for the past hour or two but now she was beyond exhausted from pretending she wasn't on the edge of breaking down. She couldn't quite decide though whether she was crying from the pain she was in, the fright she had been given upon being totally overpowered or the fact that since briefly appearing at her side when she was first discovered Dylan had been conspicuous by his absence ever since.

She had a vague recollection of being scooped up from the floor by her husband, who had carried her into resus, and whilst her memories were somewhat murky for a while after that she knew he had disappeared from the room without trace after Zoe had begun to examine her. The irony of the fact that Dylan had spent all day trying to find a reason to stay in resus but the second she was hurt he had fled without so much as looking back was not lost on her. Sam was self-aware enough to know that she had a tendency to put up emotional blocks to prevent people getting too close, but despite their recent cooling in relations she had always considered that her husband would instinctively know that she actually needed him by her side on days like this. He had always seemed able to read her so well before, yet today it felt like they were almost strangers.

That she hadn't even seen him in the department whilst she had been back and forth for the numerous tests, scans and x-rays that Zoe insisted she have indicated to her that Dylan was actively ignoring her and in many ways that burned far harder than the pain she felt from the copious number of bruises that now littered her body. Sam knew that no matter what had occurred between them over the years, she would have been next to him in a heartbeat if he had needed her and yet for the first time, she was forcing herself to consider whether in those circumstances it would actually be her he would want to see.

Sam tried to push those thoughts from her mind before the tears that had begun to silently fall down her cheeks threatened to turn into loud, distressing sobs. Her colleagues had done nothing except be completely supportive since Scarlett had found her collapsed in a heap yet she was not prepared to suffer the further indignity of allowing them to find her bawling her eyes out now. She was feeling bad enough about the effort they had all had to go to in treating her so far, especially when it had been her own stupidity and lapse in judgement that had resulted in her injuries being sustained in the first place, without having to call upon the very same colleagues to comfort her as she cried.

She had never been particularly good with emotions, her own or anyone else's for that matter, preferring to keep feelings inside her head rather than spill them out for others to see. However since she remembered the haze that had crossed her mind after her attack lifting she knew she had failed to hide how embarrassed she was at allowing that patient's relative to get the better of her, an incident that was especially mortifying to her given her own military background and action girl reputation. From what she had heard it was Tom who had played the hero on this occasion, Dr Kent having been the one who had chased her assailant out of the department on being alerted to the commotion and kept sight of him long enough for the police to pick him up. She hoped she would remember to thank him next time she saw him, because the thought of that man still being out there was more frightening that she would ever have dreamt of letting anyone else know.

Even thinking about what had happened made that feeling of nausea, the one that had overwhelmed her after the attack, return with a vengeance and the room again started to spin. The little cubicle suddenly felt very claustrophobic, and she caught herself breathing deeply to prevent herself from panicking. It had been her decision to remain isolated by the curtain, her who had told them all to leave her alone and yet now all she wanted was someone to wrap their arms around her, to reassure her that everything was going to be just fine. Sam had always portrayed to the world that she was fine alone and that she was capable of taking care of herself, recalling all the times that she had told Dylan off for fussing over her or crowding her independence when they were together. However it was times like this that she knew no matter what brave face she put on for the world, she was still a scared little girl underneath it all. It was just unfortunate that the only person whose arms she would want to hold her seemed to have decided that even visiting her was too much of a hardship for him to bear.

In fact the only visitor to her cubicle since her arrival from resus, Zoe and Tess aside, was Mr Jordan who had stayed barely more than a few minutes but appeared to recognise the fear in her in spite of her best attempts to hide it. He had done and said very little, other than to assure her that the police were already processing her attacker for both the assault on her and the man's own wife, but the simple light squeeze of his hand on her bare, bruised arm accompanied by a knowing look demonstrated to her that he had this uncanny ability to see what was going on inside her head like no else seemed able to.

The moment he had left she felt cold air fill the space on her arm where his warm touch had been just seconds before and she had carefully lifted her arm, uncertain of the pain that this may cause her, to wipe away the tears that had built up in her eyes. That had been some time before, yet she knew she was yet again sitting in the cubicle silently crying both at the horror of what she had experienced and the realisation as to how disconnected she was with everything she thought she knew. Sam wiped her eyes again, trying to dismiss the feelings as a natural reaction to what had happened just hours earlier but that would have meant ignoring the events of the previous few weeks and her decision to leave for Afghanistan as soon as possible as mere coincidence. It may not have been Dylan who had physically hurt her, but she identified that it was his lack of responsiveness that was causing her pain. In her mind escape from this town and from her husband's world couldn't come fast enough, for her own sanity if nothing else.

"How are you feeling?" Tess queried as she pulled back the curtain and entered the cubicle, pulling Sam from deep within her thoughts. She could barely bring herself to answer the woman, knowing that any positive answer she gave at that moment would be an obvious mistruth, so responded simply with a shrug, and pulled herself up into a more upright position on the bed, bringing her knees up towards her chest.

A worried look crossed the nurse's face as Sam inadvertently sighed outwardly in the pain triggered by her movement, "Are you sure there isn't anyone I can call for you? Or anyone you want me to fetch?"

Sam hesitated for the briefest moment, knowing exactly who the nurse was referring to with that remark, before replying "No, there's no one" and looking away, not wanting to see the pitying look that she knew would soon cross her older colleague's face. She considered how strange it must look to the rest of this team that her husband was busily working just a few rooms away from where she currently sat and despite that had not once been to see her.

"Okay, if you're sure," Tess answered, a sympathetic tone to her voice. "Zoe will be back to check on you in a few minutes" she continued before exiting the cubicle.

Sam was dismayed to find that when she looked back round the curtain was not fully across and therefore she could see out into the department just enough to pick out where Zoe and Mr Jordan were standing, animatedly talking about something she couldn't quite hear across the bustling space. She remembered that it was he who had made the decision that Zoe would lead on her care, despite protestations from them both. Whilst Sam knew her treatment had been nothing less than first class and that most patients never received such intensive one-to-one attention, Dr Hanna would not have been her first choice of doctor.

As she considered the options, Sam realised that she would even have preferred Tom or Lenny to treat her such was her confusion over where she stood with Zoe. Mr Jordan would have been her favoured option by far, but she had seen him physically back away from her bedside in resus before leaving her in Dr Hanna's capable hands. She had felt a sense of disappointment that despite their earlier conversation and his apparent understanding of her thoughts he hadn't wanted to stay and make sure she was okay, but she guessed that he was quite busy and in the grand scheme of things she was barely hurt. In fact the only doctor she would have wanted in charge of her right now less than Zoe was Dr Keogh, not because he wouldn't have offered her the best care available but because he appeared to have demoted himself from husband to friend to colleague in front of her eyes and the awkwardness they both would have felt in his examination of her injuries would have been unbearable.

Sam watched as Zoe finished writing up some charts just in her eye line and reflected on her feelings for the woman. As usual Dr Hanna looked practically perfect, despite the craziness of the department and the obvious stress that must have been caused by having one of the team stuck in a hospital bed rather than lending a hand. She noted Zoe's hair was perfectly straightened, her make-up immaculate, her outfit faultlessly coordinated and Sam couldn't help but see her as the glamorous consultant that she was, smart, sassy and charming, exactly the kind of woman who would look perfect on Dylan's arm. Sam knew that between the two of them there was absolutely no comparison, Zoe was beautiful and even the usually oblivious Dr Keogh couldn't have failed to spot that. The sooner she got back out to Afghanistan the better it would be for all of them.

Zoe Hanna

As she stood in the middle of the department writing notes up near Sam's cubicle, Zoe considered that she was having one of those shifts where she wondered if she would be better off working somewhere else. It wasn't that she didn't love Holby, the E.D. where she spent a significant majority of her time was like a second home and whilst she clashed with her colleagues sometimes, she really enjoyed working alongside them most days.

Today however was turning out to be somewhat of a nightmare when it came to her team and she couldn't help but feel partly responsible, even if she wasn't actually sure what she had done to cause any of it. Despite the fact the respite of home time was still some distance away she had a battered and traumatised Dr Nicholls in cubicles, a completely unresponsive Dr Keogh practically barricaded in CDU, Dr Kent was still with Sam's resus patient and her child and their esteemed Clinical Lead was hauled up in his office with the police. If that hadn't been enough to cause disruption to the department, they were at least one nurse down with Scarlett having been sent to the staffroom in floods of tears and Zoe couldn't recall seeing her or Lloyd since. The fact was that as they currently stood she was relying on Dr Lyons and Linda to keep the department functioning and she was certain that alone was enough to send her over the edge.

On top of that Nick had assigned her of all people to treat and monitor Sam, a decision which baffled and annoyed Zoe no end. She had no issue with the younger doctor herself, in actual fact she quite liked her and her fiery attitude for the majority of the time, yet Sam had obviously taken a distinct disliking to her in recent weeks and therefore Zoe knew any intervention she made would be both unwelcome and badly received. She had practically begged Nick to take on responsibility for dealing with Dr Nicholls, knowing full well that the young medic appeared to both trust and respect him in equal measure but once the immediate concern over her status was resolved he had refused and left resus almost as quickly as Dr Keogh.

Zoe brought to mind the moment Scarlett had screamed and alerted them all to Sam's assault, which had been gut-wrenching and Zoe recalled the horror she felt as her and Dylan had rounded the door to find injured woman's body in a heap on the floor. Dr Keogh hadn't waited around to assess the situation, instead preferring to remove Sam to the relative safety of resus and it had been the moment that he had placed her down on a bed that Zoe had been able to see that the woman was only semi-conscious. By the time Mr Jordan had arrived in the room, Zoe had started her survey of Sam's injuries whilst noting that Dylan had yet to let go of his grip on his ex-wife's hand and was studying her face intensely. The injured woman had winced under Zoe's touch and as she did so it was as if she woke up to the confusion that surrounded her and began to forcefully struggle against being treated.

Zoe recalled trying to reason with her, get her to see that she was hurting herself by pursuing this course of action but it had appeared that just the presence of people around her was causing her to struggle more ferociously against both the team and the lines they were trying to get into her. In her distressed and disorientated state Sam had lashed out violently, pulling the line out from her arm and causing blood to drip from where it had been inserted. Zoe remembered that it was an in that moment that Dylan completely froze, apparently completely unable to deal with seeing Sam in such a vulnerable and confused state. Nick had called his name in an endeavour to trigger a response from the doctor, but upon registering the words Dr Keogh had fled from the room. Between herself and Nick they had managed to physically restrain Dr Nicholls until she calmed down and came round enough to understand where she was, but it was as Zoe was then able to begin examining Sam for the second time and cutting away her clothes to get a better look, that Nick had indicated he would not be staying. His face had been almost unreadable, except for a strange uncomfortable look that crossed it every time he caught sight of Sam's broken looking form.

Dr Nicholls herself had been lucky Zoe considered every time a scan or x-ray was returned to her for the woman's file. Despite the severe beating and kicking she had obviously taken, her injuries were far from life threatening. In fact as she readied herself to go back into the cubicle and deal with her colleague once again she reflected how grateful she was that they weren't in a much graver situation.

She had barely seen Dylan since he had abandoned Sam earlier, as despite her best attempts to encourage him to at least speak to his wife he had refused to leave the confines of CDU. He had been exceptionally snappy with her when she had attempted to chide him for his apparent lack of interest in Sam's treatment, so she could only imagine how grouchy he was being with the patients who happened to be stuck in there with him. Zoe knew it was a bad indictment of the current state of affairs that she was now encouraging Dylan, the same Dylan she had spent the past almost 12 months flirting with, to spend time with his ex-wife but even she wasn't cruel enough to want to deprive Sam of his comfort after her experiences today. She was well aware of the fact that she herself was interested in pursuing a romantic connection with Dr Keogh, but not at the expense of becoming caught up in the crossfire of the breakdown of his relationship with his wife.

She mused that it wasn't as if she had even known he was with Sam when she had started to develop feelings for him, in fact he had failed to mention that the woman even existed and had maintained right up to and through the fire that he had never even been married, before even then dismissing his wife as a mere technicality. Zoe knew the situation was unfortunate, because it had quickly become apparent to her from the dark looks and moody comments she had received from Sam ever since she and Dylan had grown closer in recent weeks that the younger woman was far from being over her estranged husband, despite Dylan's ascertains that the marriage had been over almost before it even started.

Zoe looked over at the forlorn looking medic, who was currently sitting on a hospital bed with her knees up in front of her chest and her head resting atop them, staring out into the department but obviously not really seeing what was occurring in front of her eyes. It was clear to Dr Hanna that despite her own interest in Dylan, any inclinations she had in that direction would need to be put on hold temporarily whilst he resolved the outstanding issues he had with Sam, as it was quite apparent to her now that seeing his ex-wife so distressed and vulnerable had wounded him badly.

She had also picked up on how aggrieved Nick was at the thought of someone causing Sam this much pain, as the anger she had caught flashes of in their brief snatched conversations in the department had been stronger than anything she had seen from him in recent years. The dynamic between Nick and Dr Nicholls was not one that Zoe had been able to figure out yet, except for the fact that it was as far from romantic as you could get. She considered that perhaps Nick could see something of himself in the ballsy, fiery young doctor but he had definitely demonstrated a support for her that went far and above his usual levels of concern in junior doctors. Equally it intrigued her that they seemed to share confidences from time to time, most recently that very morning when Nick had taken Sam to his office and had then point blank refused to discuss the meeting with Zoe despite her questions. There had once been a time where he would have told her absolutely everything, however unethical that may sometimes have been, so the thought of him having secrets with Dr Nicholls felt rather disquieting to her.

Zoe took a deep breath and moved to join Sam in the cubicle, pulling the curtain closed again behind her. As she reassessed Sam's appearance she reconsidered her assessment that the young medic had been lucky, more that she had gotten off lightly given the circumstances. She manoeuvred the uncommunicative woman so that she could lift her gown and check the bruising on her back.

Sam's entire upper torso was covered in lacerations and abrasions from her sustained attack, and whilst the congealed blood that had been matting her hair and scrubs had long since been removed her skin felt rough and damaged to the touch. Sam had no further signs of any concussion and had assured her that the nausea and disorientation that she had first presented with had all but resolved, so they had put that down to the overwhelming wave of pain that must have consumed her at the point of attack. She definitely had a few cracked ribs and severe bruising to her sides and lower back however, but despite this Sam had refused all but the most basic painkillers, much to Zoe's consternation given the amount of pain she must be in.

As Zoe continued her examination she could feel her colleague shaking underneath her touch, whether in fear or due to her injuries she could not be certain, and the moment she moved too quickly she felt Sam instinctively flinch away from her. The young woman was obviously lost deeply in thought and was barely responding to any of her questions, in fact she had not said more than half a dozen words since they had found her all that time ago. Zoe couldn't help but think how sad it was that she had shut herself down and refused to let anyone in, but then she considered given the lack of communication she had received from Dylan both today and in recent weeks she conceded that was almost understandable.

The absurdity of the fact that Sam had two men in the department, Nick and Dylan, who were both so affected by her assault that they were both refusing to do more than barely acknowledge her existence was not lost on Zoe, given that Sam herself appeared so low and alone. She wished that there was something she could do herself to offer the vulnerable young woman comfort, but she knew that it wasn't her Sam wanted to draw support from.

"Can I go home now?" Sam said quietly, finally breaking her silence and meeting Zoe's gaze.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Zoe answered, hesitating before continuing. "Do you have someone who would be at home to look after you?"

Sam looked away, a reddish hue crossing her face and Zoe knew that she was thinking about her earlier lie. It had been clear from the moment those words had left Dr Nicholls' mouth that morning that she had not been out the night before, nor had there been any date to go on in the first place, and Zoe had assumed that the words had only been said aloud in the first place to provoke some reaction of sorts in her or Dylan. It wasn't as if Zoe wanted to make her feel any worse by reminding her of that difficult situation, more that she was genuinely concerned about her colleague being home alone that night. Sam may not have concussion, but come the morning those injuries her injuries were going to be painful beyond words and she wasn't sure the girl would be able to manage by herself.

"You know I'll only discharge myself anyway," Sam stated as a matter of fact but with a steely determination in her voice that Zoe had missed hearing in the past few hours.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do about getting you out of here," Zoe answered, figuring that Sam would actually follow that promise through regardless of medical opinion of her decision and therefore deciding it was better to at least manage her departure. "But we will have to find someone to drop you home, Jeff or Dixie perhaps if they can swing it."

As she went to leave the cubicle, Zoe turned for a second to watch as Sam carefully repositioned herself at the edge of the bed and immediately began reaching for the clothes Tess had earlier retrieved from her locker. She may have been limited in movement because of the severe discomfort she must have been in, but Sam's distinct strength of character as she bravely tested out each muscle and bone before starting to get ready for her imminent departure shone through.

The blonde haired woman in front of her should have looked shocking, given the obvious trauma she had been through on this very long day, yet despite the bruises that adorned nearly her entire form she looked anything but a state. The fact that Sam could sit here, hair in disarray, make-up long since tear stained and face pale wearing nothing more than a shapeless hospital gown and yet still emanate a sense of effortless beauty made Dr Hanna both admire and envy her in equal measure. Zoe couldn't help but wonder if the determined, feisty woman sitting in front of her in that moment was the girl Dylan had fallen in love with all that time before. Sam was striking, there was no doubt about that, but from the little Zoe knew of her young colleague she strongly believed that Sam herself had absolutely no concept of how beautiful she actually was.

Thank you once again for reading. Reviews are always welcomed :)

The next part should be up in a couple of days. Callie x