Thank you to everyone for reading, reviewing and tweeting me about this fic and the last update. Your support as always is overwhelming and I'm loving hearing on where each of you thinks this story is going. I am really enjoying writing this and I hope you are enjoying reading it too. This update was going to be up before Casualty tonight, but I stayed up half the night writing it so thought I'd give it to you a little earlier than scheduled. Roll on Sam being back on our screens this evening - I've missed her!

Anyway, here is chapter 8.

To look out for you

The definition of understanding

Understanding: adjective; sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerate and forgiving, having insight or good judgement

Sam Nicholls

Sam leant back against the bar and surveyed her work colleagues' drunken antics with amusement. Of all of them, her and her current drinking partner were definitely closest to being sober, but even she had to admit the warm haze that had descended across her proved she was bordering on tipsy, a fact she attributed to recent years of abstinence weakening her alcohol tolerance levels. It had always been her choice not to drink in support of her husband, but for the first time that now seemed an irrelevance although she had to admit that she was slightly concerned if she had any more to drink she might lose whatever inhibitions she had left intact. However the temptation to continue to allow alcohol to numb the pain of her injuries and push fearful thoughts out of her brain had been too great for her to resist thus far.

The thought had crossed her mind more than once as to whether this was how Dylan had felt when confronted with the demon drink in the past, but whilst she definitely still held a deep concern over her husband's drink related issues, she had been determined that this night out was not going to be dominated by thoughts of Dr Keogh. That feeling had recently gained strength from the fact she was well aware that as she even allowed thoughts of him to enter her head it was distinctly possible he was currently engaged in extra-marital activities with Zoe Hanna, a consideration which was almost guaranteed to push her alcohol induced nausea into an actual physical sickness.

Sam reflected on that momentarily as she swigged another mouthful of beer from her bottle and pondered whether Dylan and Zoe's intimate relationship could even be classed as "extra-marital" given that she herself was so far estranged from her husband that they would quite likely be closer when she was soon posted to another continent. She had to concede that as she had been the one to cause the breakdown of her marriage and forced his hand enough to ensure he walked out on her, sparing herself the agony of watching him learn to hate her whilst they still shared the same airspace, she had no right to feel wronged by the fact he was currently occupied with another woman. However it was at times like this she was acutely aware that if she hadn't been such a coward and could have told him the truth she wouldn't have let things spiral so badly out of control that she ended up betraying Dylan's misplaced faith in her in the first place.

She physically shook herself free of that thought, refusing to dwell on the past any further. She would have plenty of time for reflection when she finally escaped Holby, but even with a few bottles of beer inside her she had no intention of breaking down in front of her colleagues. She knew alcohol altered people's moods and she had always been a sombre drunk, but today was supposed to be about looking towards the future, a future that would be free of Holby, Dylan and the seemingly never ending nightmares that had taken hold of her in recent days. However as soon as that thought formed in her mind she picked up the irony in the fact that out of the three things she had cited, she would only actually be happy to be free of one of them.

She recalled that until she had allowed thoughts of Dylan to enter her head, she had been surprised by how much she had enjoyed the evening in the pub. It had been a long time since she had been out socially with anyone, mainly as a consequence of her detachment from everyone except Dr Keogh since they had started dating all those years before but the last few hours had reminded her of care-free student days spent in university bars with fellow trainee medics. She knew she had never been a particularly outgoing person and had never really had what she considered most people would term as close friends, but before she had met the man who had quickly become her husband she had actually enjoyed alcohol fuelled socialising with her peers.

It had been virtually instantaneous that on her arrival at the pub a few hours previously she had felt part of something bigger than herself and the individuals she joined, more like she had become part of a warm family group. In truth she had been slightly disappointed by the limited contact she had been able to have with Tom since their entrance, as they had been reduced to snatches of conversations across other people but she had been intrigued to see how comfortable he was in a social setting. It had been clear to her almost immediately that Dr Kent regularly frequented the pub, given how many people seemed to know him on a first name basis and she had watched with interest as he flitted from group to group, but somehow managed to give everyone the personal one-to-one attention he had already afforded her over the past few days.

However she remembered her focus had shifted away from him and she had found herself drawn into a conversation that had been occurring between Dixie, Jeff, Big Mac and Noel around their table. She had been fairly certain her paramedic colleagues would make room for her in their banter and given how much kindness and concern they had shown her over her time in Holby she had started to allow herself to depend on their presence in her life, however much such a reliance on anyone had always spooked her before now. However Sam knew she had only had the merest of passing contact with the porter and receptionist in her daily existence in the E.D. so she had been pleased to see that they both seemed to appreciate her opinion and equally it had bemused her that they had both sweetly fallen over themselves to get her drinks for most of the night.

The discussion around the table had veered from intensely serious to joking, in a manner than Sam knew was mainly down to the sheer amount of alcoholic beverages that had been consumed. Dixie and Jeff's description of how they had almost kidnapped a gentleman who they believed had been passed out at the railway station, but it transpired had just fallen asleep waiting for the rail replacement bus had definitely gotten them all laughing, particularly when Jeff explained that when the man had awoken as they lifted him onto the trolley it had emerged he had spoken no English and had fled in confusion at nearly being bundled into the back of an ambulance. Sam recalled painting out to them all that things like that could only happen in their workplace and people outside the NHS just wouldn't understand how crazy emergency medicine really was.

The conversation had moved on to their lives before Holby and whilst Sam had managed to remain cagey about the personal complications that had beset her before her own arrival, she had talked about her wartime experiences and had triggered a debate with Big Mac about the hellish things they had both seen over their years in the armed forces. She had found it quite enlightening that she had ended up holding court with her descriptions of Helmand, Camp Bastian and alike because it was something she had consciously never spoken aloud of outside of her unit. Dylan couldn't have been more disinterested if he had tried over the years and although Sam had always been the type to keep her emotions firmly locked down, it had been a bone of contention between them throughout their marriage that she had unquestioningly supported his career decisions, such as his unforeseen deviation into the world of General Practice, but he had not offered her a similar level of unequivocal backing. She had ended up telling them all about the horrific injuries she had treated in Afghanistan and the precarious nature of life out there, in a way that was far more real, harsh and honest and much less about bragging over her action girl status than she was used to disclosing. She couldn't recall at what point it had occurred, but by the time she had finished talking she had been manoeuvred from her chair into the middle of the sofa, where she remained sandwiched between Dixie and Jeff, feeling comforted and safe in equal measure.

Conversely the deep and meaningful conversation topics had been lifted quite considerably by the arrival of Lenny, Linda and a few of the nurse's friends fresh from another bar. Sam had initially been quite confused by the connection between the new arrivals, as having been fairly convinced beforehand that Dr Lyons and Linda had been in a relationship for some time despite usually being quite incapable of spotting such assignations, Lenny had arrived with his arm around one of the other young women and had spent the majority of the evening making bizarre small talk with her, which Sam had only been able to guess was his idea of chatting someone up. When she had been subjected to listening to his cheesy lines, she had barely been able to suppress a chuckle as she considered that this might well be why he appeared to have so little luck with women from the little she knew of his personal life.

If Linda had been bothered by Lenny's flirtation with her friend Sam had not picked up on it because the nurse seemed to have focused in on her instead and had obviously decided that given her slightly tipsy state, Sam may well be more amenable to giving her some gossip. She had to give the woman some credit because she had actually managed to tone down her usual pointed, straight talking nature and asked some very subtle questions, but given how touchy the subject of Dylan was at that moment, Sam had been forced to work quite hard not to rudely tell her to keep her nose out of business that didn't concern her. However she had been a little devious herself in that she recalled using the topic of Mr Jordan and Zoe's apparent falling out to distract Linda from her prying and it had transpired that this was one subject that the nurse had useful information on. From the lengthy chat she had reluctantly become engaged in Sam had established that the two senior doctors dispute had arisen from a personal disagreement over Zoe's relationship with Dylan and that other nurses had informed Linda they had heard shouting coming from Mr Jordan's office before Zoe had stormed out of the department for an hour, something Sam had been previously unaware of.

She turned to face the man himself, who had joined them sometime earlier citing a long and difficult shift as his reason for needing a drink. She had watched him when he first arrived and although he had maintained his central role and position of authority throughout, she had sensed the barriers he had put up between himself and their colleagues, including her. Not for the first time it had struck her that he might be as perplexed and confused by her husband's relationship with Dr Hanna as she was, given the shared history between him and Zoe but whilst he had been a constant support to her in recent days she wasn't sure they were yet at the point where she felt able to offer him her perspective on his personal life. The alcohol content in her bloodstream might have loosened her tongue a little but she knew that tomorrow morning he would still be her boss, well for as long as the army took to send her details of her new posting anyway and she instead made a mental note to have that conversation with him on her last day in the E.D. when any offence he took from her words would have no consequences for her or their positive working relationship.

For the first half an hour after his arrival she could have sworn that he was avoiding her or in the very least avoiding being alone with her, which had thrown her slightly as it seemed to go against his consistent reminders of the last few days that he would be there for her. Yet as she saw him relax into the environment of the pub his sour mood had started to lift and when she had eventually caught him alone, he had half-heartedly questioned that perhaps she might have been sick of his constant presence by her side, something she had instantly shrugged off as nonsensical and had offered him the reassurance that his support was always nothing but welcome.

The two of them had been standing together at the bar ever since, watching the others get increasingly drunk, as ever since Lenny had removed his tongue from where it had taken up residence in the mouth of Linda's friend he had been buying the group shots. Sam recalled the last time she had drunk shots had been at her much resisted hen party, when some girls she barely knew had insisted tequila slammers had been the best way to numb herself into a suitable state to marry the famously grouchy Dr Keogh and she had spent the remainder of the night vomiting her stomach contents out into the ladies toilets. Back then she had been so sure of her marriage to Dylan despite the very vocal opposition they had received from family, colleagues and even the hospital management, yet here she was just a few years later feeling the devastation of a failed marriage at the tender age of twenty six.

"Where did you go?" came Nick's voice next to her, piercing into her rambling thoughts and causing her to realise she hadn't been doing the greatest of jobs of hiding her disquieting emotions as they stood together in silence. "You looked miles away?"

She cocked her head slightly and briefly met his gaze, before looking away. Sam knew that she needed to confide in someone and that given how fragile she was feeling, even before she started drinking, she wouldn't be able to keep this to herself forever. She guessed that of anyone her current companion may well understand and of everyone, he had already seen her at her weakest so it wouldn't damage his opinion of her any further if she opened up and let him in.

"I spoke to a solicitor earlier," she started, turning back to face him in time to see him raise his eyebrows in surprise. "I'm starting divorce proceedings. It's time to let him go. I need to set him free." She looked at Nick expectantly, waiting for him to respond, but rather than speaking she watched as he turned to the barmaid clearing glasses from the bar behind them.

"Can we get the same again please?" he asked, gesturing to the bottle in Sam's grasp and the glass in his own, before he took Sam's hand in his own and squeezed it tightly. That one small act of comfort brought Sam to the edge of tears, his demonstration of understanding her despair at simply saying the words aloud evident in his touch.

Nick Jordan

Nick watched Sam interacting with her colleagues with a mixture of pleasure and concern. He had been incredibly pleased to hear she had agreed to the drinks event in the first place, knowing all too well how much she needed support at that time, but given the bombshell she had dropped on him an hour or so beforehand he couldn't help but be worried that she might end up drunkenly doing or saying something she may well regret. He had been eyeing her drinks with suspicion ever since her return to the table, but so far he had been placated by the fact she appeared to be avoiding the shots in favour of continuing with beer yet he couldn't help but worry about the state of mind of the girl he had come to consider an almost surrogate daughter.

Nick noted with interest that Sam was far from being the only member of his team who was the wrong side of tipsy. The last time he had ventured over to the table he had overheard the level of jokes being told by Jeff, Dixie and Big Mac and had winced at the schoolboy humour, although his own laughter had actually started when Noel's bewildered question indicated he had completely missed the obvious point of the gag. At some point after he had left them to their own devices and returned to the bar he had inwardly cringed upon hearing vague strains of both "Danny Boy" and "Hey Jude" being murdered by tuneless voices coming from their direction. The only saving grace he had managed to come up with was that it was not Christmas and therefore he had not been subjected to his staff badly trying to pull off everything from Slade to The Pogues, well that and the fact that their volume was muted by virtue of the pub not being in possession of a karaoke machine, something for which he would be eternally grateful.

He had quickly established that both Linda and Lenny had managed to go from stone cold sober to completely drunk within a matter of hours and he had realised with significant annoyance that the two of them would be about as useful as chocolate teapots on the next shift given the number of units each had consumed. Nick had been sure that Zoe had told him the two colleagues were in some sort of relationship but unless this was a very open one, their actions that night had caused him to doubt that was indeed the case. Dr Lyons had apparently become surgically attached to the mouth of a nurse from St James' who Linda had apparently introduced him to and she herself seemed more interested in interrogating poor Dr Nicholls that she did in spending time with Lenny.

Nick watched as Tom joined the group from one of his frequent trips to talk to beautiful women at other tables and saw him drop down on the sofa next to Sam, whispering to her and receiving a smile in return. From his vantage point across the room, Nick felt every inch the proud father at the fact she was making friends and he only hoped this would help him convince her to reverse her decision to depart them, but at the same time he made a mental note to sound out Tom's intentions towards his vulnerable colleague. It was people she could rely on and not any complicated or messy romantic entanglements that Sam needed right now and if he could protect her from getting hurt any worse than she already was, then he would. However he was pretty sure that Tom's slightly more touchy-feely and conspiratorial behaviour was a result of his drinking rather than anything else, as he had watched the doctor working the room and his semi-flirtatious behaviour with all concerned just seemed to be an alcohol related extension of the natural charm that had encouraged Nick to offer him a job in the first place.

There was something about watching a group of people you knew well highly under the influence whilst you were close enough to sober to notice the changes to their behaviour that had bemused him that evening. The majority of people that had come out that night were from the harder drinking spectrum of E.D. staff and therefore he had seen them half cut on various occasions over the years, yet it was an entertaining sight to behold half the group singing, beer glasses in hand and swaying slightly, Lenny practically eating his new friend's face and Linda and Tom intently trying to study the cocktail menu through the haze of beer goggles, with only Sam appearing to be a little lost in herself.

Sam also appeared to be suffering from the effects of alcohol a little bit, in that Nick had noticed her neatly tied back hair had begun to come lose and she kept instinctively putting her hand up to push the undone strands behind her ear. However he couldn't help but see that her eyes were bright as she joined in the conversation with Tom and Linda, which given the serious topic she had been discussing with him earlier was almost miraculous in his opinion. He couldn't help but wonder whether she had drunk more than he had noticed or whether she was a brilliant actress, but there was little about her demeanour now that indicated her previous unhappiness and he therefore had taken a little comfort in the assumption that in opening up to him she had reduced the burden she placed on herself enough to give herself some breathing space. Her barriers had certainly dropped a little as her level of alcohol increased, but she had still seemed fairly reserved and Sam-like when they had spoken, so he really didn't see what harm it would do for her to let her hair down and join in the hilarity.

His mind drifted momentarily to Zoe's notable absence from the pub crowd, as she would usually have been the first one at the staffroom door suggesting drinks at the end of the shift. The fact that she had continued to pursue her night out with Dylan despite their earlier words had angered him beyond reproach and it was only for fear of upsetting Sam further that he had not said anything more publicly about the subject.

He had known his meeting with Dr Hanna, called at his insistence to tackle her over the inappropriate and ill-advised nature of her relationship with Dr Keogh, would have been terse given the subject matter, but he had never expected it to be quite so awful. What had started out as a friendly warning from him to her that her recent behaviour was causing fractions within the team and difficulties for Sam especially had been poorly received and had been the catalyst for an argument, the likes of which they had not had since their own separation. They had both said some harsh and uncalled for things, dragging their shared history, previous lies, brain tumours and baby related problems into the present without Nick really understanding why that had occurred.

Zoe had been far more touchy on the subject of Dylan than he had anticipated, which now that he reflected on it from the pub caused him to consider how much the gruff doctor must mean to her, a fact which he knew shouldn't wound him as deeply as it did given all the water under the bridge since their own relationship had ended. However it had been Zoe's snappy responses that had cut him deepest, like when she had questioned his overt devotion to Sam in favour of the other doctors within the E.D., something that had played on his mind when he had next seen the girl and had caused him to keep his distance from her initially, until she had all but cornered him over his behaviour.

Zoe had also questioned why he was so bothered about her relationship with Dylan, because he had never seemed that bothered by other couplings within the department, even when they had impinged on patients and work, such as the obvious tension that had occurred between Adam and first Jessica and then Kirsty. Her vociferous claims that he was doing this out of jealousy or spite over her having moved on, rather than out of any sense of loyalty to the team had touched a very raw nerve but his response that he was doing it to protect both her and Sam from harm had been every bit as much his true intentions.

The conversation had undoubtedly been awkward and incredibly heated, but it had been when he had pointed out her previous history of taking a wrecking ball to someone else's marriage, her affair with Jessica's husband being a prime example, despite knowing that these circumstances were completely different that she had taken real offence and flown off the handle. Nick knew he had always been able to push her buttons very successfully, but her pointed remarks about his unhealthy interest in Dr Nicholls had caused him to snap and he couldn't begin to imagine how uncomfortable it would be to work alongside her knowing some of the toxic comments they had directed towards each other in that horrendous argument. He could only hope that their shared history would be enough to get them through this bad patch, but he knew that they were both as pig headed and stubborn as each other. The fact that Zoe had carried on with her dinner date with Dylan regardless of the impact Nick had told her it was having on Sam, just the same way that he had spent the majority of his evening alone comforting the younger doctor despite Zoe's warning not be seen favouring her publicly proved to him that they were both still on completely different pages. In fact, he considered that if he took that metaphor to its logical conclusion currently him and Sam were in a completely different book to Dylan and Zoe, never mind being anywhere close to being in agreement with each other.

He recalled the moment Sam had told him she was seeing a solicitor and would be initiating divorce proceedings against her husband with so much sadness, because she had looked so desolate at the thought of where her life had ended up. He had taken her over to another table and they had stayed deep in conversation for some time until he felt the girl was probably feeling overwhelmed by all the talking she had just engaged in. She had innocently queried the ease and speed for obtaining a divorce, obviously never having considered that one day she would be in this position and Nick had tried to answer her the best he could, sharing a little bit of his own personal experiences and history with her for the first time. It was clear to him that she wanted to get proceedings underway before her return to Afghanistan and that she wished to make things as clean, simple and pain free for both Dylan and herself as possible, a route he advised he definitely agreed with if she was definitely sure she wished to pursue this course of action.

It had saddened him to hear her say that they had no shared assets from their marriage and it troubled him further that she said she had no assets of her own to share with Dylan, not even savings of any significance. He hadn't been able to shake the feeling that Sam had never had a future planned out for herself and her transient way of life, moving from secondment to posting to secondment, seemed to be her way of coping with the lack of any consistency in her own life since her separation. He had listened as she referenced the three assets she was aware Dylan owned, being a houseboat, a car and a dog, but her insistence that she would not stake any claim on these as Dylan had already given her more than enough had intrigued him. That comment plus that her stated justification for the divorce being her own unreasonable behaviour both warranted further investigation in his opinion, but he had felt it was best not to push her too far at that moment given how bereft she was at the situation she found herself in.

His mind had gone into overtime upon seeing her absentmindedly scratch her arm and he had gently probed into whether it was likely her stitches would be remaining firmly in her arm that night. The redness that spread across her face had immediately indicated her embarrassment at being caught out, but she had hurriedly reassured him that it was a one off borne from the frustration of not being in control of things at that point in time. Nick couldn't help but still query her ability to cope, given that her skittish behaviour around patients was a very visible demonstration of how far away from being back to normal she really was following her assault. Yet despite his fatherly berating of Sam for her possible self-harming behaviour she had guaranteed him that her decision to initiate the divorce had actually given her back some control over her own life and therefore she was far from being in such a dark place.

He wasn't sure exactly what his intentions had been when he had instructed Dylan to work with Sam earlier that day, but pushing her into making this particular decision had not been on the list of possible consequences he had considered. It was apparent from the way she spoke about Dr Keogh that she still loved Dylan a great deal, but she had been adamant in her ascertain that it would be the right thing to do to set him free and allow him to make a new life, even if that was with Zoe.

If Nick hadn't previously considered how alike they were before, he knew he would have picked up on it now as his own thoughts drifted back to his own failed marriage to Karen. He fully accepted responsibility for the breakdown of that relationship, but he had never wanted to divorce her because he had still loved her and he knew there would always be a place in his heart for that particular woman. However in the end it was because he still loved her that he had eventually conceded to give her the divorce and allow her to move on without him. He had left Holby pretty sharpish at that point and put significant distance between himself and the feelings he hoped he had left behind in a flash, but unfortunately he could still recall all the times when those feelings had come rushing back and reminded him of all that he had lost.

Nick glanced back at Sam before turning back to the bar and indicating to the barmaid to pour him another whisky. It was startlingly apparent to him that Dr Nicholls was following in his footsteps in divorcing someone she loved to set them free and he knew that she too was running away, with it being unfortunate that her place to run to just happened to be a warzone on the other side of the world. He couldn't help but wonder whether she realised that her heartbreak at losing Dylan would still be with her out there, but as he downed the newly refilled glass in one he reflected that what he did know was that he understood Sam much more than she had yet to realise and it was that understanding that meant he did not want her to repeat the same mistakes he had already made.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and feedback is always welcome.

The next update should be up in a couple of days. Callie