Hello everyone. So firstly let me start with a massive apology. I seriously never meant to leave it 9 days before updating, so thank you to everyone who is still prepared to stick with this fic. I blame the delay on me having a really bad last week, which I didn't want to take out on poor Sam - so I took it out on Dylan in my new fic instead. Oops.
Anyway, in case you have forgotten here is a brief recap of events before this update: It is the morning after a very bizarre night before, where Zoe and Dylan crossed a line, but Sam and Tom did not. We now have various couplings and friendships either thrown together or torn apart and most people have a reason to not be on speaking terms with a number of their colleagues. Oh and Sam is leaving in three weeks, but no one except Tom knows that yet.
Therefore welcome back to a very difficult shift in the life of Holby City E.D. - this chapter is purely from Sam's point of view, as she had a lot she wanted me to say.
Here is chapter 11 - I hope you enjoy it. And thank you once again.
To look out for you
The definition of damaged
Damaged: verb; inflict harm on (something) so as to impair its value, usefulness, or normal function, have a detrimental effect on
Sam Nicholls
Sam found herself sitting in the now familiar setting of Mr Jordan's office for the third time in a matter of a week and couldn't help but wonder why she seemed to be spending such an inordinate amount of her life in this particular room recently. She knew that it was no great hardship to spend time with her Clinical Lead, in fact given the state the department was in that day it was vastly preferable to any other available option, but that did not stop her feeling strange at the realisation she had been summonsed here on more occasions in these past days than she had been in the entirety of her spell at Holby prior to that.
However that awareness was tempered with her newly acquired knowledge that said time at this particular E.D. was rapidly coming to an end and that a mere matter of weeks from now she would be leaving behind the department, colleagues and dare she even consider it, but friends too, for the challenge of a further tour of duty in a place that felt a million miles away from somewhere that had suddenly begun to feel like it could have become her home if only she had decided to give it a chance many months before.
Sam was certain that when she was stuck out in the hellish environment that would be her base for at minimum half a year there would be more about Holby City that she would miss than she had ever previously considered. She had also found herself looking at her fellow medics through different eyes since the start of the days shift, wondering what each of them would make of her imminent departure and whether they would be relieved, disappointed or ambivalent to the news. She recalled with a wry smile that it had greatly helped her deliberations that her colleagues had for the most part not been buzzing around her or creating the usual amount of meaningless chatter that she had grown accustomed to, with the majority seemingly still suffering from the shared sensation of a fiendishly prickly and painful hangover.
Sam remembered that it had not taken long before the impact of the previous night's drinking and escapades had impacted on the working of their team, as she had watched Mr Jordan struggle to assign roles to staff whilst apparently wary of pairing up anyone who had recently had either a dispute or an assignation, be that event public or in secret, well as much these things could be with colleagues like Linda on the prowl for gossip that was. The disarray the drunken night out had left the department in was unlike anything Sam could recollect experiencing since her medical student days, when such behaviour had been commonplace. She could only assume that spending so much of her past few years in warzones, where alcohol consumption was strictly prohibited and therefore undertaken firmly in secret moderation, had dimmed her memory of how wild nights out with a team of medics could be.
She thought back to a moment early on in her shift when her favourite ever friendly paramedics had stormed through the ambulance bay doors and called out about their first patient of the day, a very fragrant homeless man with all the obvious physical ailments that she had learned to associate with those that slept rough. Sam had been incredibly surprised by how jovial they both had been, given how many units of alcohol they had both consumed in the drinking session but it had appeared to her that these had had little effect on the only other husband and wife pair in the department. She remembered sharing a joke with Dixie over their shared tired eyes that morning, hoping that this was the only outward sign of the night before they were both displaying to the world and the older woman had told her how pleased her and Jeff had been that she had finally joined them out on a staff night out.
It had been when Dixie had left to book the patient in that Jeff had approached Sam, querying if his "Princess" was feeling ok and reacting with mock surprise when she responded with a smile and indicated that she was astonishingly not feeling the after effects of a hangover. He had whispered in her ear conspiratorially that Dixie had been quite unwell that morning before work but had thought he was unaware of this so therefore he intended to spend the remainder of the shift being as loud and jolly as possible to drive her slightly crazy despite feeling worse for wear himself. Sam recalled that the two of them had actually shared a joke at that point about the difficulties of working with a spouse and she had been amazed that despite everything else that was going on in her life at that moment the paramedic had been able to make her laugh at the comparison between his situation and the mess of her own marriage. Even thinking about how odd it was that neither of the two marital duos within the team were quite what they seemed made her consider that it wasn't just her own circumstances that were ill-fated and she realised, not for the first time, that most of the time no-one really knew what was going on behind someone else's closed doors, a statement that would certainly have been true for the entire duration of her relationship with Dylan.
Sam remembered that on Dixie's return she had informed the pair of paramedics that she wanted to arrange to have drinks with them again soon, but had neglected to mention that the night would be her chance to say goodbye rather than a cause for celebration. She knew they would be two people she would find it difficult to walk away from, as since her very first day in Holby they had been incredibly supportive of her and as yet had never failed to offer a welcoming hand of friendship and a comforting sugary doughnut when required.
The outward cheerfulness of Dixie and Jeff had definitely been at odds with how Sam had perceived some of her other colleagues that day. She recalled catching Noel with his head in his hands behind the reception desk, suffering at the hands of a piercing hangover and had found herself sympathising with him for having to manage the manically busy reception area and deal with waiting bad-tempered patients and relatives in his state. She had heard Mr Jordan shout in irritation in his direction more than once and had caught the receptionist jumping sharply, before retracting quickly in pain at the sudden movement. The sarcastic comments she had heard coming from Big Mac about Noel's lack of ability to hold his drink had amused her greatly given the ex-military man who had been talking up his own alcohol related history the previous night had been incredibly stroppy and short with her and anyone else who had asked him to do anything beyond the basic responsibilities of his role that day, obviously suffering ill-effects himself.
Sam had found herself considering at one point that working in the E.D. that day was not unlike a situation where a union had ordered work to rule industrial action, as nearly every staff member had been reluctant through alcohol induced illness or colleague related disputes to do little more than the bare minimum their job dictated and she had pitied any time-wasting patients who may have come across anyone's path that day for the short shrift they would receive. However Big Mac's sharp attitude towards her had not stopped her from reminding him of their agreement to have a further night out to discuss military experiences and they had agreed to ensure this happened the following week, with Sam having known at the back of her mind that her available time was extremely restricted before she departed.
She remembered thinking it unfortunate that both Tess and Charlie were tied up in a trust nursing coordination meeting all morning when she had overheard that piece of information, but she had seen Mr Jordan blanch considerably at the news that he only had minimal nursing cover. It had quickly become apparent to all those present, herself included, that the two junior nurses were no longer on speaking terms either with Scarlett and Lloyd distancing themselves from each other instantly on arrival for reasons she had overheard Linda informing Lenny were due to Lloyd being far too overprotective over the female following her witnessing the recent assault in the department. As she sat in the office now Sam couldn't help but wonder if this was something else that she was responsible for, at least partially, given how little she had followed up with the girl following their conversation earlier in the week and she guiltily considered the damage her behaviour and actions seemed to be having on those around her, something Sam realised was fast becoming a bit of a pattern with her.
As it was she had watched with interest as all of them had finally been assigned areas of the department to work in, with herself, Tom and Scarlett sent to cubicles, Zoe and Linda dispatched to resus and the unfortunate Lenny and Lloyd shipped off to where Sam had been well aware one Dr Dylan Keogh had already taken up residence for the day following his storming out of the staffroom. She had been pleased to work alongside Dr Kent and Nurse Conway, considering that of all of the people that could have been selected to work alongside her these were the two she would have chosen for herself and she had briefly wondered if the slight soft spot her Clinical Lead seemed to have for her and his expressed wish for her to change her mind about not taking up the offer of a longer secondment had led him to give her preferential treatment over the others.
Sam had watched Dr Lyons and Nurse Asike head off towards CDU with trepidation, wondering if they considered their upcoming shift with the grumpiest of E.D. doctors punishment for their recent behaviour, Lenny for his late arrival whilst obviously still under the influence and Lloyd for his apparent annoyance of sweet little Scarlett. However she had felt pity for them nonetheless as having experienced Dylan's dark moods and grouchy demeanour at first hand on more occasions than she ever cared to remember she had known they were in for a difficult shift.
Through the early part of the working day her mind had also wondered in the direction of resus and a small, slightly masochistic, part of herself contemplated the conversation topics that had been available to Dr Hanna and Nurse Andrews who had been alone together for some time. Sam had known from Linda's raised eyebrows at her when they had all been gathered around with Mr Jordan that the nurse had already heard the gossip about her early morning arrival with Tom, which hadn't been unanticipated but the thought of Linda discussing that particular indiscretion with Zoe and filling her in on the drunken silliness of the night before filled Sam with dread. She hadn't been able to shake the image from her head of Zoe and Dylan curled up together that very evening and Zoe filling Sam's husband in on all the apparent gory details that Nurse Andrews had found herself misinformed with.
Sam had regretted the implication her and Tom had given of their night together almost the moment they had arrived together in the E.D. and caused Dylan to walk out of the staffroom, although she had still to ascertain quite why he had reacted so strongly other than the embarrassment he may have felt at her apparent public relationship, given his own tendency to keep things incredibly private. There had been one moment where she had considered seeking him out to tell him that nothing had occurred between her and their colleague to try and make amends for whatever damage she had caused, despite being a tiny bit irritated that he would feel slighted in the first place given his own relationship with Dr Hanna. However upon finishing up with a patient and heading in the direction of CDU she had seen Zoe and Linda in close conversation in the corridor, before the doctor had entered Dylan's department and through the window Sam had seen them talking earnestly.
Until that point she had believed, wrongly she now realised, that her husband had not only been avoiding her and Tom, but also his current partner, having noted an apparent tension in the air at the point when she had made her ill-advised entrance with Dr Kent first thing that morning. It had been the seconds after Dylan had hastily exited that she thought she had noticed that not only did Zoe seem annoyed at the interruption to their conversation but also that she looked incredibly sad, something that Sam had not seen Dr Hanna appear to be before. She had presumed that the two of them had been having an argument of sorts but the intensity of the exchange she had later witnessed between them, despite not actually being able to hear the words, had clarified for her that this was far from the case and the two doctors were from her perspective closer than ever. She had felt a wave of disappointment wash over her at that thought, something she chastised herself for feeling as she knew that not only did she have no right to wish the couple trouble in their relationship, her imminent departure meant she should actually have been pleased that she was able to leave Dylan behind knowing he would be happy and taken care of by someone he loved in her absence.
She recalled that she had returned to cubicles and immediately taken on another few patients to busy herself, whilst also trying to offer the bereft looking Scarlett comfort by praising her for the exemplary effort she was making in her work that day. That one comment had been enough to bring visible tears to the young nurse's eyes and Sam had found herself sending the girl off to get them both a coffee, purely to give her a break from dealing with people and she remembered the thankful look Scarlett had shot her at the chance to escape from the mayhem for a while.
That had been the unfortunate moment Linda had chosen to arrive from resus, which had unusually but incredibly luckily given the lack of competent staff had lain empty for the majority of the shift, to offer a hand to her colleagues in cubicles. Sam had found very quickly that the nurse was as shattered from her previous night's activities as she was gossip hungry and rather than be a help her presence had quickly become a hindrance. However Nurse Andrews had provided one useful piece of insight, in so much as like she had been the one to alert Sam to Mr Jordan and Zoe's falling out the previous evening, she had referenced that Dr Hanna had returned to the upstairs office rather than come to cubicles to lend a hand. Linda had pointedly wondered aloud who exactly it was Zoe was avoiding and whether her short journey upstairs would be enough to send Mr Jordan back down into the department to get away from her.
Sam had found herself engaged in listening to the woman, mainly out of concern for her Clinical Lead given his reluctance to talk to her about his falling out with Dr Hanna the night before, but she had been annoyed that Linda had immediately seized upon this to start interrogating her about her night with Tom. Sam had been pleasantly surprised to see that despite her late arrival with Dr Lyons, Linda had seemed far more awake and far less worse for wear than her male counterpart, but on seeing how expertly the nurse had spent the morning flitting from area to area and chatting to all concerned she guessed that her alertness was down to a mixture of increased alcohol tolerance from far too many nights on the town and the gossip opportunity she saw in Sam's apparent liaison with Tom and Mr Jordan's falling out with Zoe.
Sam had known the entire department was talking behind her back about what they believed she had done the previous evening, but she had not been at all shocked that Linda had been the one to ask her outright how she rated the experience, having expected that comment from either her or Lenny. It had only been Tom's own arrival behind her, grabbing hold of Sam around the waist in a way both of them knew was meant jokingly but Linda would perceive as flirtation and scoring his own performance as ten out of ten that had saved her from having to deal with the nurse. She recalled that as the two of them had laughed on watching her depart Tom had apologised if he had overstepped the mark, but she had remarked that the look of sheer elation on Nurse Andrews face as she scurried off to share the information with Dr Lyons had been well worth it. She had only hoped that Dylan would not be open to listening to the idle chit-chat he normally closed his ears to, as she knew that her out of character behaviour may rub salt in a wound he appeared to have over this non-existent relationship.
Mr Jordan had arrived in cubicles only a few seconds later, almost on schedule if Linda's predictions that he and Zoe couldn't bear to be in the same room together were correct. She had felt Tom step away from her as soon as their boss made his presence in the area known, which had caused her to look at him in confusion but he had just winked at her as he went back to his patients and she had then been distracted by the return of Scarlett, coffee in hand and smiling a little more than she had been shortly before.
Sam had caught her Clinical Lead's attention a while later and had asked to speak to him privately, which she knew would have immediately grabbed his attention. She had not wanted to make a big deal out of giving him her notice of departure but she had been well aware that if she didn't say it aloud soon she would never actually go through with it, each passing moment in the E.D. making it more difficult for her to seriously consider departing even given Dylan's abject detachment from her. Mr Jordan had sent her up to his office, telling her that he would be right behind her and she had headed off, stopping only briefly in the staffroom to pick up the letter she had received that morning.
It had been upon reaching the office and touching the handle that she had seen Zoe sitting inside, with it having slipped her mind that she had been informed not that long before that this was where Dr Hanna had headed. She recalled that she had entered regardless and informed the senior doctor of her upcoming meeting with Mr Jordan in that very space. The two of them had sat in silence as Sam had settled herself on the comfortable chair that seemed to have become her own personal space in the past week and Zoe logged off from the computer, apparently keen to leave before the expected return of their colleague.
Sam had watched Zoe with interest as she had appeared to want to speak, but had failed to find the words to do so. She remembered telling the woman that if she had something to say, she wished she would just come out and say it, covering up her anxiety at what she was about to hear with a false sense of confidence she only hoped Zoe was unable to see through. She had known instantly upon hearing the words that Dr Hanna's comment about other people's relationships not always being what they appeared to be had been a sharp reference to her faked dalliance with Tom and she had snapped back that what she got up to in her own time was not Zoe's business, nor was it anything to do with Dylan, regardless of whether he was still technically still her husband. She had seen a peculiar look cross Dr Hanna's face at that statement, but she had then hurriedly left before Sam had been able to examine her further.
It had only been when she had been left alone that it hit her quite how much it hurt that Zoe was in a relationship with Dylan and sharing confidences with him, especially where those secrets concerned her. She had been worried that it was Dr Keogh who would have been mortified by her own presumed actions, but now she found herself feeling humiliated under his partner's gaze by the fact that there had been no such activities in the first place. However she had felt the need to keep her strength and not let her emotions get the better of her on this occasion, particularly since she was about to start announcing to the world that she would be returning to active military service and the horrors of war far too soon to give herself time to break down completely first.
She was still sitting thinking back through the events of the day and trying to keep a lid on how she was feeling when Mr Jordan had finally arrived from downstairs. It had begun to cross her mind in the moments before his entrance quite how much her head was pounding and as she met his inquisitive look with the best smile she could manage, she wondered quite when her hangover had turned into a headache or whether this particular pain was more likely stress induced.
"I just wanted to say thank you for everything," she started, realising how child-like she and breakable she felt under his gaze. She had previously established that he had this unnerving ability to see right through her defences and she longed to be sure that he could not see that it would only take one more thing to smash her entire world apart.
"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say?" Mr Jordan responded, his tone concerned and his face filled with a frown.
"You've really been there for me," she continued, hearing the determination come through in her own voice at wanting to ensure she managed to say her pre-prepared words out loud. "It's been a tough week and you know better than anyone that I've been feeling a little fragile."
"From last night's alcohol?" he questioned with a smile. "Or because of Dylan?" he asked much more seriously.
Sam looked down at the ground and chose not to answer that particular statement. On gathering her thoughts she looked back up at his familiar form and realised quite how much she was going to miss this man, someone who in such a short space of time had come to represent everything she had ever wanted but never before had in a father.
"I got my posting date," she said quietly, taking her time with each individual word as they suddenly felt alien to her tongue. "Please remember this is what I want," she added, seeing his shock at the news. "I need to do this, I want to do this," she continued, unsure if that declaration had been meant to convince him or herself.
"I leave three weeks today," she finished reluctantly and in that moment of seeing devastation fill Mr Jordan's face she knew that leaving this E.D. behind was going to be a hell of a lot harder than she had ever considered, because despite everything that had occurred in recent weeks it turned out that this was the one place she felt a little less broken, even as she felt herself becoming more damaged every single day.
Thank you so much for reading and I so grateful to everyone for being incredibly patient for the update. Reviews will be very welcome indeed.
I should have the next chapter, which will be Sam/Nick, up in a couple of days. Callie x