"Blargh! Blargh Blargh!" The aliens loudly complained about their missing deity.
"How are we gonna fix this?" Kaede wonders aloud. After a small moment of silence, Tucker spoke.
"I have an idea."
The aliens all jumped up in an attempt to reach Caboose, who was standing atop a sand pillar. Kaede and Tucker watched the... display from not too far away.
"How did we set this up again?" Kaede asks Tucker.
"I told him there were cookies on top that rock. He fell for it, as always." Tucker explains. "I then told the aliens that he knew where Church went and was refusing to share. And here we witness the fruits of our labour. Well, my labour."
"What does this accomplish?" Kaede asks.
"This buys us a fuck ton of time to figure out how to get outta here." Tucker explains.
"Theres a ton of warthogs here. Enough to seat all three of us." Kaede easily brings up.
"Those were all broken." Tucker shoots down.
"We have your one wheeled alien vehicle." Kaede suggests.
"We won't fit. It was a miracle that you managed to hang off the side of that thing." Tucker says.
"We can take that big rig that those guys brought in." Kaede says.
"The thing that moves at like, 10 kilometres an hour?" Tucker questions. "The aliens will be on us in seconds."
"Damn. Why does everything have to be so hard." Kaede grunts.
"Bow chicka bow wow!" Tucker exclaims.
"Ow! Stop that!" Caboose yells after being shot with an aliens needler in the leg.
"I'm getting worried for him." Kaede voices.
"Aw, he'll be fine." Tucker assures. "Its Caboose. I bet he could accidentally set off a nuclear bomb in his face and still be okay somehow."
"Tucker, Kaede, help me!" Caboose begs.
"Just hang in there Caboose." Kaede sympathetically calls out.
"Besides, its best not to get between an angry mob and their religious iconography. And I should know, I used to date an Italian girl." Tucker offers.
"But he's not really a God, its all made up! You know that!" Caboose shoots back.
"This plans gonna fall apart real quick." Kaede mutters.
Whoa dude, I don't know shit. That sounds like straight up blasphemy. You guys gonna put up with this shit?" Tucker says.
"Blarg." an alien replies.
"H-I know dude, that's what I'm saying. Took the blarg right out of my mouth." Tucker agrees.
"What are you doing? Are you trying to get him killed?" Kaede harshly whispers to him.
"Relax. This is just payback for all the shit he pulled in Blood Gulch." Tucker responds.
"You're not gonna pay back Nyu, are you?" Kaede asks, genuinely not knowing how he'll respond.
"Relax. I know she only did that stuff cause she didn't know better. On the other hand this guy..." Tucker trails off.
"Tucker? They're going to eat me!" Caboose exclaims.
"Caboose shut the fuck up, they're not gonna eat you. They're just gonna persecute you and kill you, stop being such a baby." Tucker responds.
"Look, the Reds, they're back. And they have your worshippy guy." Caboose suddenly shouts out. Kaede and Tucker both turn to find Sarge approaching them.
"What? Sarge..." Tucker says.
"Hey Blue, we're back. Got Simmons too. Where's the water can? Oh also you got any more spare jeeps around here? I don't wanna get into it, but we've identified a tactical weakness in the hood of the current models. Oh uh, what're you guys doing? Killin' Caboose? That's cool." Sarge says. Kaede silently giggles at the casual voice he had for that last bit.
"There he is! He is the one who took Church! Get him." Caboose says the last part darkly.
"Rawr? Rawrar." The aliens says.
"Ruh-roh." Sarge responds.
"So... we're all gonna end up taking turns making the aliens harass someone until they've got control?" Kaede questions.
"Probably. I bet someone's actually gonna end up crucified by the end of the day." Tucker says.
"That'll be a sight." Kaede says.
"Hey! Alien fellas! I can prove that we don't have your floating guy!" Sarge exclaims. "Come with me, we'll go see Grif and Simmons and they'll show you that we don't have any holy balls of any kind!"
"It would be nice to see Simmons again." Kaede reminisces.
"It would be nice to get these aliens of our back." Tucker reminds her. With that, the group follow Sarge over... someplace else.
"They're right around this corner here. Grif and Simmons, right up here, where we're walking." Sarge announces. Kaede recognizes that he's just signalling the two to hide Church. So they DID have him. She wondered what they had left to do. Just pick up Simmons?
"Ha! And they'll have Church." Tucker declares.
"And you'll see when we get around this corner up here, we don't have any kind of floating device. No balls or spheres or anything." Sarge says, probably to Tucker. "You'll see, big group of aliens. We don't have anything like that at all." With that, the group rounds the corner to see Grif and Simmons just standing around, as is usual for them.
"Whoa! I mean, what's the four-one-one, daddy-o's? Me and my homey were just, hangin' all up in here. Deserts-ville. 'S'all good. You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?" Simmons says, a hint of fear in his voice. 'Why is he talking like that?' Kaede wonders, her face scrunched up in confusion.
"As you can see, we don't have your stupid rolley baloney. It's just this yellow guy, and- M.C. Fonzerella over here." Sarge explains.
"Whatevs, y'all. You don't know me." Simmons says.
"Nahaha, gotcha! See, I knew they would have it." Tucker exclaims. When did he fall behind?
"Uh, I don't see him- oh my God he's invisible." Caboose says with his usual childlike innocence.
"Alright Reds, what did you do with-" Tucker stops upon realizing the Reds are retreating.
"Book it, quadrouple-time!" Sarge orders as they run.
"It." Tucker finishes. "Damn it! I should have seen that coming. Well Caboose, I guess we're on our-" Caboose and Kaede flee through the opposite direction. "Own. Damnit!"
"Revenge!" Caboose says back.
"You'll be fine!" Kaede also yells back. She follows Caboose who, once far enough away from Tucker and the aliens, turns right back around to regroup with the Reds. They've stopped a little ways out of the large crater that held the temple, just beyond that, she spies Church.
"Oh no, he landed in the middle of the- uh-of of the there. The, the over there." Caboose says.
"So lets go get him." Simmons assures.
"No "cool man talk" anymore?" Kaede smugly asks him.
"Oh, shut up." Simmons looks away.
"Tell you what Simmons, why don't you go get him?" Grif suggests.
"We'll secure the area here while you retrieve." Sarge says.
"Hh, okay I don't have time for this." Simmons groans before running out to get Church.
"Why-" Kaede is interrupted by a loud boom which makes her jump in surprise.
"Ow!" Simmons yells out. He turns to the others. "You knew, didn't you."
"I didn't! Honest!" Kaede assures.
"Yeah, thats what everyone says." Simmons pouts.
"I'll just get him with my hands." Kaede says, already extending them out and picking up Church with them.
"Heh heh. Seems like all the kicking and blowing up put some life back into the little guy. Thats adorable." Sarge coos. Church meanwhile, flickers green.
"Why are all his blue parts green?" Grif asks.
"Think thats a sign that we broke him?" Kaede asks. "Like that old Xbox... what was it again?"
"The red ring of death?" Simmons asks.
"Yeah, that." Kaede confirms.
"Caboose, is that you?" Church asks, but it isn't his voice.
"Delta?" Caboose asks.
"Delta?" Kaede questions.
"Caboose, I need you to listen, my time is brief. Epsilon is not in control right now. But he will be again, shortly." Delta explains.
"Great!" Caboose exclaims.
"Who's Epsilon?" Kaede questions.
"Church." Grif explains. "Just don't ask anymore questions. Nothing makes sense and I don't wanna explain anything."
"Perhaps not. The encounter with Agent Washington has jarred loose many of his memories. Epsilon has not, historically coped with these memories well." Delta continues.
"Whats that mean?" Grif asks.
"We fear he may pursue certain memories in particular." Delta explains.
"Who is we?" Grif asks.
"Myself and the other memories of the Alpha fragments." Delta answers.
"You should take your own advice Grif, I am so lost." Kaede holds her head in confusion.
"Yeah. One of these days I'll learn to shut my fucking mouth." Grif groans.
"Epsilon may not yet be aware of our presence, but eventually he will be." Delta ignores the two. We cannot hide forever." Delta and Caboose then carried the conversation, a lot of which Kaede did not understand. Caboose voiced that she should have been present for season 6 but she couldn't have told you what that was supposed to mean. Eventually, the green turns blue and Church turns back.
"What? Uh, oh. Hey. I must've uh, must've passed out. Sorry 'bout that." Church apologizes. His voice sounding more subdued than normal.
"Church! You're back!" Caboose cheers.
"Yeah, I am. Hey Caboose, come over here wouldjya I, need to talk to you about something." Church says.
"Okay, where are we going." Caboose asks as he and Church walk away from the group.
"Hey guys, do you ever notice Blue team has, like a lot more stuff going on than us?" Simmons asks.
"I wouldn't know. I'm GONE for half of it." Kaede grumbles.
"Don't worry. Its boring stuff." Sarge assures.
"Nerdy stuff." Grif adds.
"Yeah but I mean, all we ever talk about is food and guns." Simmons brings up.
"That reminds me, I'm hungry." Grif brings up. Kaede's stomach growls.
"Yeah. I haven't eaten all day... I think." Kaede says.
"Stop complaining or I'll shoot you in the head." Sarge says. "Not you, Kaede."
"Why am I the only under threat of death for being hungry?" Grif asks.
"Grif, how long have you known Sarge?" Kaede asks him.
"Good point." Grif sighs. Sarge cocks his shot gun.
"Good times." Simmons sighs.
After tripping on a half buried sniper rifle, Sarge had the idea to eaves drop on Caboose and Church's conversation. They talk about going to a facility before heading right for it.
"Why does everyone leave with out telling the others?" Kaede frustratedly says.
"What are you? Our mom?" Grif asks.
"Come on men, let's get after those Blues! Sounds like this is the big opportunity we've been waitin' for." Sarge exclaims.
"You mean our opportunity to find a place to hole up until this all blows over?" Grif half heartedly asks.
"Someplace that isn't a desert?" Simmons asks.
"Someplace that has a shower?" Kaede adds.
"Why a shower?" Grif asks.
"I've been in this desert for about a week. I've accumulated a layer of sweat, and I'm still picking sand out of my hair." Kaede complains. "I'm probably close to smelling like Grif too." Grif doesn't refute this fact.
"Oof." Simmons says.
"Also, its fucking hot I'm about ready to go to a frozen tundra just to get outta here." Kaede adds.
"No! None of that!" Sarge exclaims. "A place to finally restore the Blues to Command's database. Get yer typing fingers ready Simmons!"
"What?" Kaede asks.
"Sarge had Simmons delete the blues from commands database. We've run into some problems since then." Grif explains.
"If we're going to follow them we'll need a vehicle." Sarge continues.
"Well I'm sure we can grab another one from the camp down there." Grif says.
"But Tucker said they're all broken." Kaede says.
"Does your blue friend know what he's talking about?" Sarge asks. Kaede could not deny that.
"Why do we need a vehicle, the Blues are walking. I'm sure we can keep up with them on foot." Simmons brings up.
"On foot!?" Grif asks incredulously.
"In this hot ass desert!" Kaede adds.
"Uh, Simmons? We're the Reds. We don't walk anywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended: in the largest possible vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if there's no cars available, we find the biggest, nastiest, meanest, land animal we possibly can, beat the crap out of it, and saddle that puppy up." Sarge explains.
"On foot. Shame on you Simmons. Shame on you." Grif says.
"And here we thought you were the smart one." Kaede shakes her head disapprovingly.
"Sorry." Simmons weakly apologizes.
"Let's just forget you ever mentioned it." Sarge assures.
"I think this should go in his permanent record." Grif says.
"It will permanently live on in our memories." Kaede agrees.
"Oh just go get the fucking jeep jackass." Simmons complains.
Grif gets a jeep, Sarge rides shot gun, Simmons is on the turret, and Kaede sits in the back.
"Hey, where are you guys going!? Wait! Gah, dammit!" They hear Tucker yell.
"Oh shoot, I forgot about him." Kaede says. "Hey Grif, turn around, I'll pick him up." With that, Grif turns around and drives towards Tucker. When they're close enough, Kaede grabs him with her invisible arms and they continue on their way with a hoard of angry aliens behind them.
"Ahhh! Let me in!" Tucker panics.
"Sorry, no room. I'll just have to carry you the whole way there." Kaede says.
"Awh, what the fuck." Tucker complains.
"Hey, we could left your sorry ass to the aliens. You could try being grateful, blue." Sarge says.
"Right. Sorry." Tucker sags.
AN: Question for the audience: How do you think of how I write Kaede? I worry that I'm making her too boring and inconsistent, but I'm honestly not sure. If you think I am writing her wrong, how do you think I SHOULD write her?