Okay, so I got this up on schedule which pleases me! Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the previous chapter, thank you all to sticking with the story and offering me your endless support - it makes me so incredibly happy to know people want to see where this is going. Thanks especially to Meggi, Ficmouse and Anny for being there to listen to my writing woes, this chapter is for you!

Anyway, so here we go with the next update. I hope it begins to put things out a bit clearer - because believe it or not, Sam and Dylan are finally going to talk!

To look out for you

The definition of honest

Honest: adjective; free of deceit, truthful and sincere, morally correct or virtuous, done with good intentions even if unsuccessful or misguided

Sam Nicholls

Sam found herself perching on the edge of her Clinical Lead's desk silently busying herself with studying the patterns on the carpet rather than looking up and taking the risk of meeting her ex-husband's gaze. She wished she could forget the look on Dylan's face as she had spoken the words aloud that she wanted him to keep that one remaining promise, just like he had always stuck to the other two he had made that traumatic day. She had felt so incredibly sad on even asking him to abide by it, not just because she had never thought she would have the need to ever call it into question but also as she had known it was the one sure fire way of explaining to her husband exactly how she was feeling without having to elaborate further. The fact that they had always communicated better with only the most minimal words had been yet another demonstration of just how close the two of them had once been and it had been that illustration of the gulf that now lay between them that was causing her heart to break.

Sam recalled how Dylan had been the one to hold her hand back in her hospital bed all those years before and reassure her that he would never be the one to walk away from their connection, something she knew he had stuck to despite everything else that had gone on since. He had inexplicably extended the hand of friendship, possibly even forgiveness, to her in the days, weeks and months prior to her recent assault even though she could never have asked him to give her that reprieve and regardless of his newly established relationship with Zoe, Sam knew he had never broken his half of this particular bargain despite her own indiscretions and recent dismissive attitude towards him. The fact that he had tied himself to her in a way she had never been able to commit herself in response had never sat easy with her, but back then he had assured her that he had been comfortable with things as they stood. He had given her a get out clause to leave everything they had once built together and just slip away, a deed she considered ironic given that he had always been the one who was out of her league and therefore he should have had the same opportunity to depart their promised vows without comeback or reprisal.

It had been since that day Sam realised that she had come to rely on Dylan as her anchor, in that he was the one person who always kept her grounded in reality even with the horrors of war that she had seen burning fresh in her mind every single day. His ever-present acceptance of her for who she was, rather than who others had wanted her to be, had always struck a chord with her and she knew now that she could only hope he felt she had offered him a comparable level of unequivocal support in his own difficult times, the last week notwithstanding for either of them.

Sam looked up to where Dylan stood from his position just inside the doorway, having not moved since she had made her earlier statement some minutes before. She recognised that there was a real depth of emotion etched across his expression that was an unusual occurrence for her husband, but it was the clear lack of understanding he had as to why exactly she had chosen this particular point in time to impart her decision to him that she could feel keenly in his gaze. Sam knew she had to be honest with him now and to give him all the explanations she so desperately owed him, clearing up all his misconceptions and bewilderment along the way. The simple act of honesty had always been important to her, to the point whereby she had been informed on more than one occasion by former colleagues and such like that it was possible to be too honest, but she had always believed that this was a trait she shared with her husband, however much she hoped that her delivery of truth was less blunt that Dylan's own emotionally stunted kind.

Sam remembered all the times she had not corrected implications over her relationship with the man standing in front of her and she recalled how they had both spent half their martial time together not saying anything at all for fear of the truth being trigger that destroyed their relationship. However those simple acts had been derived from a sense of self-preservation and even though she had on rare occasions lied outright to a colleague or a friend, mainly to inform them that she herself was fine when it was far from the case, she had never once lied to Dylan and had no intention of starting now.

"Are you expecting me to say something Samantha?" her husband asked coldly and with a familiar sense of detachment from the emotiveness of her earlier words despite his expression belying this lack of interest in the conversation. "Because I don't see that you are giving me any say in this and therefore you could at least do me the courtesy of explaining what the hell is going on."

"We need to initiate the divorce proceedings," she replied, wincing inwardly at the harsh tone he had used towards her. "We can cite my unreasonable behaviour as grounds for the divorce," she added, hoping that this would appease a man who never wanted to admit being at fault either professionally or personally. "I'm not going to fight you for anything either," she continued. "This isn't about the money or Dervla or whatever. I need to be able to start again and I can't do that whilst we're still stuck in limbo like this."

"I don't want a divorce," he countered, sounding more like a petulant small child who wasn't getting his own way than a highly qualified medic.

"This isn't about what we want Dylan," Sam tried to explain. "This is about what we need. We can't keep going on like this, you must see that as much as I do," she continued earnestly.

"This is about him isn't it?" he responded irately, causing her to look at him in confusion. "Tom. Dr Kent," he elaborated with disdain as if that suddenly made his statement more logical. "I've see the way you look at him, all the little smiles and reassuring touches he's been giving you," he justified by way of explaining his anger. "What? You think I'm so oblivious that I wouldn't have noticed?" he questioned, but Sam couldn't bring herself to respond other than to simply shake her head. "Have you been trying to humiliate me or something? Is this your attempt at drunken retaliation?" he interrogated, voice almost at a shout. "Although quite what you have to take revenge for I'm not sure," he added, trailing off into thought before continuing pointedly. "Or are you back to sleeping with older men these days? You always did have a thing about sleeping with the boss didn't you?" he questioned slowly approaching her position on the table. "But having said that," he continued as he reached her. "That wasn't always the case was it Samantha?"

She instinctively found herself slapping his face before gasping at the realisation of what she had done and as Dylan's words echoed through her mind the tears that had been prickling at the back of eyes finally streamed silently down her face. Sam had never wanted to allow herself to cry in front of the man she loved again, but there was nothing she could do to prevent the occurrence of these tears at her husband's harsh reminder of their shared past and the mistakes she had made.

"That," she started through the tears. "That is unfair and you know it." She hated that Dylan would even think his assumptions could be true given all that they had been through, but she guessed that given it had been her fling that had triggered their separation in the first place she had not exactly provided him with many reasons to trust her on that score. "Nothing happened between me and Tom," she confirmed sadly. "Not because I didn't want it to, but because he put a stop to it out of respect for you, even though you've been nothing but awful to him recently," she justified. "He made me see that I wasn't ready to go there yet, because he could see what neither of us is ever going to admit to," she added with a determined edge to her voice. "That I'm not over you and I probably never will be. No one else will ever understand me the way you do and that's why it's killing me to be here with you every single day."

"Then why?" Dylan asked, still standing so close to her that she could almost feel his heart beating in his chest and she felt surprised that he was willing to break from his usual need to maintain a reasonable amount of personal space between them.

"We can't keep going on like this, that's why," Sam replied, staring him defiantly straight in the eye as it dawned across her that Dylan will always be her one, no matter how much distance she put between them. "And for the record, I'm not sleeping with Nick either," she added as a point of clarification.

"I know," Dylan said simply. "And I'm sorry for, well saying what I did. That was uncalled for, even I can see that."

"The great Dr Keogh admitting he is wrong?" Sam queried with a slight smile in spite of the circumstances. "That must be a first," she continued and received a stern, but warm, glare from her husband in reply. "Nick's more like a dad to me than anything else, I mean even the thought of going there makes me feel a little sick," she admitted sheepishly. "And as for implying there was something going on with Tom, I'm sorry for letting it go that far. I was just angry that's all and I guess I wanted to hurt you, but I was wrong," she explained. "Please don't make Mr Jordan and Tom pay for mistakes I've made in the past though, because they haven't actually done anything to deserve it. If anything, they've really been keeping an eye out for me since I got attacked."

"Like I should have been doing you mean," Dylan stated despondently. "I'm glad they've been there for you though," he added and reached his hand out briefly to touch her cheek, causing her to bend into his caress. "I know what you can be like when you're on your own." Sam couldn't help but think to herself that she should really inform him that she had actually pushed them all away, but on seeing how reassured her husband appeared to be that she had people to offer her friendship by her side she decided to spare him the worry. She was still struggling to deal with the complete confusion that she had seen on Tom's face when she had blanked him a short time before and the fact that she was not allowing her surrogate father to play his now preferred role any longer was also preying on her mind. Nonetheless she stood by the decision to keep them out of the situation as it now stood, because in the longer term she knew it would be the emotionally safest option for them all.

"You still haven't told me why you're suddenly bringing this all up now?" Dylan questioned. "I mean if it isn't anything to do with Dr Kent then what is with this sudden urgency to end our marriage? Surely you can give me an explanation for that at least." She watched the confusion at not knowing the probable cause for triggering this chain of events play out across his face.

"I'm leaving," Sam started slowly. "I'm going back to the army in three weeks' time and then I'm on the first plane back out to Bastian," she explained and saw the familiar glazed over expression descend across her husband that always occurred when she had ever mentioned her posting dates to Afghanistan. She had always been expecting him to meet this piece of news with blank dismissal and she thought back to the last time such a disclosure had occurred and the man had failed to speak to her for almost a week after hearing her words.

"You can't," he said, his voice thick with emotion and if Sam hadn't known him better she would have guessed that his furious blinking was to hold back tears that were threatening to fall. "I don't know what's the matter with you, I really don't. I get that sometimes I'm not the easiest man to be around, but the past few months I really thought we'd gotten close again. I mean I wasn't keen to have you around when you first arrived in Holby, I'm not going to lie to you on that score, but I got used to having you here and I actually quite liked it," Dylan stated matter-of-factly as if remembering and Sam was surprised by how open he was actually being with her in the circumstances. "And then one day you just shut me out like none of what we went through was even important and now you're telling me that you want a divorce and you're running off to war again, just like you've always done," he continued angrily. "Sometimes you're incredibly selfish Samantha and this is one of those times."

She physically retracted at the unexpected harshness of his words but despite the anger he was displaying she could see how broken he was from the look in his deep, absorbing eyes.

"I can't bear to watch you moving on Dylan," she responded dejectedly and staring him straight out. "But worse than that I can't bear the thought that me being your wife is holding you back and that's why I have to let you go. I still love you and that's why I know I need to set you free." Sam felt her devastation totally laid bare in front of the intensity of his gaze, but astonishingly felt stronger in spite of that. She knew that she had spent the majority of the past few years actively hiding how she felt about everything in her past from the world, but she remembered now quite how comforting it felt to allow her inner self to be exposed to her husband in such a manner, not that she had ever been able to hide from him how scarred she had always been even from that very first day.

There was a brief second of stillness in the room as the two of them stood practically in each other's footprint and Sam chewed at her bottom lip in anticipation of the words she had yet to say. However before she could speak Dylan cocked his head forward slightly and she found their lips clumsily brushing together momentarily before they both pulled away, bewilderment evident in both their expressions. Sam reached her hands up to her husband's chest, bringing them to rest on him softly, and found herself instantly brought into Dylan's embrace. His mouth met hers in a kiss as passionate as their very first, with one of his arms snaking round her back and drawing her closer into him as the other came up to her head, his fingers starting to run through her hair as he backed her towards the desk and leant in to gently lay her onto the table. Her mind went blank at the power of the feeling from the very heart of her, but on coherent thought exiting her mind Sam found herself drowning in the honesty of his touch.

Dylan Keogh

Dylan stood deep in thought in the staffroom with the coffee in the mug clutched in his hand slowly cooling as it remained untouched. He had only made himself the drink in the first place as a distraction from the thoughts that were still buzzing through his mind from the earlier conversation with his soon to be ex-wife, officially at least. In truth he was certain that he would always consider Samantha the other half of himself in every way that counted, regardless of the legal status of their union.

Dylan reflected on his thoughts on hearing that his wife finally wanted to dissolve their marriage by initiating a divorce and how disappointed that he had been that she even felt the need to mention money, because in all honesty he couldn't bring himself to care if she cleaned him out. She was more than welcome to take it all with the exception of Dervla and he considered that they may have to come to a shared custody arrangement over the dog, but all he actually wanted was for her to take back the words and retract that she had asked him to make their separation permanent in the first place.

He recalled that he had felt like she had punched him in the stomach when she had clarified the reason for her sudden need to finalise things, but he had never been able to support her deployment to a warzone even in their closest moments. He had always known that one day he would lose her, but he had wanted that to be of her own volition not because she had been fatally wounded in a hellish location he had no comprehension of. His wife had always been the most courageous woman he had ever met and he doubted that would change even in the darkest of moments he knew would be left to come for him once she departed, but despite her strength of bravery Dylan remembered that one vulnerable moment where she had visibly broken in front of his eyes.

He thought back to all the times since Samantha had arrived in Holby that he had caught himself staring at her and even when he had allowed her feisty attitude and argumentative tongue to lead him into rebuking her he had still been able to see through her fiery outer exterior to the truth of young woman he knew he would never be able to save. That moment many years ago in the hospital where he had promised that if she ever grew confined by his presence in her life he would let her slip away without protest had been the hardest to make, because he had known he would never want to let her go but whilst it had hurt more than he could ever explain every time she had headed off to war without him by her side, he now knew that nothing could compare to the empty void he felt on losing her from her emotional attachment to his side

Dylan reflected on how worried he had been about her since she shut him out completely a few weeks back, but he had been pleased to see how she appeared to have let down some of her barriers and allowed herself to get close to people once again. He had to admit to himself that he had not been particularly keen on her choices at first, as the paramedics seemed slightly brash and sarcastic to him, the young female nurse whose name he could never recall was almost mute in his presence and her companionship with Dr Kent had forced him to face up to the possibility that she would one day move on from him with someone else. He knew that given his own disastrous attempt at friendship with Zoe he was not in a position to judge his wife's somewhat haphazard attempts at initiating such connections, but it had reassured him to hear her reference Mr Jordan's paternal relationship with her. He had been unduly harsh on her over her apparent relationship with their younger male colleague too, but following her assurances that what he believed to be true was far from the case, he now felt able to accept Dr Kent as his wife's friend.

He had to admit to himself that he still felt bewildered at quite how their colleagues had ended up in a physical dispute over her honour and wondered if his own behaviour after Samantha's hospitalisation some years before received a similar reaction from their colleagues back then. Dylan had found Dr Lyons and Nurse Andrews glee over the insurmountable level of gossip that had run through the E.D. on hearing about the altercation distasteful but he had had to remove himself back to CDU to prevent any chance that he would follow their Clinical Lead's attempt to seek justice for Dr Nicholls, something he was now grateful for on hearing that Dr Kent had actually done little to warrant such an assault.

Dylan recalled that he had noticed a sutured scar on his wife's arm as she had been informing him of the reality of her connection to the two other males in her life and had instantly considered the option that the raggedy nature of the stitches meant her fingertips may previously have danced over them in a hasty attempt at self-destruction. He knew all too well that she had an exceptional talent for such behaviour when the mood so took her to the point where he had once been frightened she would not be there when he woke up, but whilst he had always had that thought in the back of his mind since their initial separation he had not seen any indications of repeat incidences of it occurring until that moment. He still felt incredibly grateful that she now had companionship in the form of her colleagues to offer her the support he was concerned she might one day desperately need, but he knew that he would always want to be the one who was there to put her back together all over again if she ever stepped over that particular line.

He allowed his mind to travel back to the kiss, whereby his lips had met those of his wife in the purest of touches and he memorised the moment when he had run his fingers through her hair as he had always done when the two of them had been intimately involved. He recalled that when he made the trio of promises to her years before he had never realised that the vow not to allow a drop of alcohol to pass his lips again would be the easiest of the three, especially when his long medical career had demonstrated to him time and again how hard it was to break an addiction such as his own. However the idea of letting go of the woman he had just held in his arms in their Clinical Lead's office filled him with desolation, even though he remembered with a wry smile how she had remarked it felt as if they had broken an unwritten rule by making out on her father figure's desk both reddening with embarrassment at the thought they could have been caught in the middle of a passionate embrace.

Dylan finally took a slurp of his drink and winced as the cold liquid slid down his throat. He was reminded of the horrendous hospital coffee that had become his diet when he had remained by her bedside for almost a week, missing his exams in the process. Samantha had looked so young and small in the surgical bed that he would have promised her the earth to give her a future to focus on regardless of how hard he would then find it to keep some of those oaths he had made.

He remembered how she had told him when they had pulled apart from each other from their final position locked together on the chair in Jordan's office that she truthfully wished she was not going back to Afghanistan anymore, but before he had been able to make his protestations known that she could withdraw or decommission her posting if she felt that strongly, he had heard her utter the immortal words that he needed to accept that her leaving Holby permanently was the best thing for them both in the long-term. The fact that she was physically leaving, as well as emotionally withdrawing from him in every way that counted, had burned so hard that he had been close to tears and he could only hope he had managed to maintain his outward display of stoic decorum and that she had not been able to see the feeling in his eyes.

Dylan dragged himself out of his thoughts and after tipping the freezing liquid from his cup down the kitchen sink, he placed the mug on the draining board and made to depart the staffroom to return to the busy department. He found himself pausing in the open doorway before leaving for CDU and watched Zoe and Jordan across the space from him talking avidly out of earshot. Both of his colleagues fleetingly glanced over his direction upon recognising his presence, before averting their gaze almost instantaneously and their behaviour caused him to consider that it may well be his recent discussion with his wife that was the topic of their conversation, especially as he had established from the woman herself that their boss, Zoe and Tom had somehow confusingly come to know about her plans before she had felt the need to inform him.

He watched as Mr Jordan reached out to momentarily touch Zoe's arm and a small part of him considered that Dr Hanna herself may well be a little confused by the recent turn of events, but he knew she was an intelligent woman and capable of understanding the complexities of relationships far better than he ever could. He did hope that one day they could possibly re-establish their once firm friendship, but in the short term he was not prepared to prioritise that over spending time with his wife before her imminent departure. That was not to say that he did not feel a sense of guilt over his treatment of the woman he had begun to consider a friend, because even he was able to see how badly he had treated her but he curtly considered that Zoe was strong enough to deal with the situation she found herself in, however unreasonable other people may have seen that assumption. The fact that his wife had sought out the other woman's support for him in case he needed her to talk to on hearing the recent news had been quite a demonstration of how far he and Samantha had travelled from each other in recent months, because until he had said the words aloud he did not think she had actually realised it would always be her he chose to speak to, if he chose to speak to anyone at all.

Dylan saw the familiar figure of his wife appear from the corner of the department and watched her move as if a small weight had been lifted from her shoulders. He immediately recognised that she was keeping herself busy and blanking out everyone around her which had always been her stock response to dealing with anything vaguely emotional, but despite his own usual desire to act in a similar manner he realised he had unexpectedly felt the need to take time out from the E.D. to process the information he had been given and his much needed period of reflection in the staffroom had given him the time he required to gather his thoughts. Sam looked up and he met her wry smile with one of his own in return and enjoyed the slightly uplifting feeling he got on seeing her in a more positive frame of mind, knowing that despite her going off to war and the pain of the divorce, the past hour or so had brought them closer than he recalled them ever being in the last couple of years.

He remembered the bewildered look that had crossed Samantha's face when he had met her statement the kiss had been wrong because of his on-going entanglement with Zoe with the response that he had not actually been in a relationship with the other woman and that their hands had met in a gesture of understanding as he had explained to her that he would never regret that one tender moment of togetherness. She had questioned what was going on, a look of disbelief etched across her features, and he had truthfully informed her that he had never seen Dr Hanna as more than a friend. He had felt uneasy when Samantha had pushed him into confirming that there had never been anything more between them before she had apologised for feeling that she had the right to even ask the question in the first place.

The look on her face forced his hand to deny that anything had ever occurred because he could not see how telling her the events of the previous night would help given her upcoming departure date, but the weight of guilt he felt over his treatment of Zoe and the implications of this for his relationship with both her and his wife were still playing on his mind. He had always thought he was an honest person, his time under the influence of alcohol aside, but his definition of honesty was that a person should never lie and therefore it felt wrong to hide from Samantha that he had actually been with someone else, although he had to believe he was acting with the best of intentions, despite recognising in himself that these may well have been misguided. He was determined that she would never know he had broken that third and final promise to her, because it would destroy whatever closeness they had left. He had always believed that honesty was always the best policy, even when it was as blunt as he tended to be, but he recalled with bitter experience how hurtful it could be when someone you loved told you they had strayed, just as he had felt when his own wife had told him about her fling. He could not quite understand why being with Zoe had felt like straying when it was clear that his marriage had been over for some time, so he considered that Samantha must well have felt similarly to his current demeanour when she had confessed to him and it jarred that he was not affording her the same candour now that it was his turn to have betrayed her.

Dylan remembered that moment when they had exited Mr Jordan's office making a mutual agreement that they never wanted to be strangers from each other and agreeing that despite his usual reluctance to talk about anything vaguely bordering on emotional, they would need to take some time out to talk through everything before she left. He recalled that she had joked they both likely had more than enough leave to take a day off to spend together and how she had beamed on hearing his suggestion that they take Dervla for a long walk in the country before he cooked them dinner aboard the boat to afford them the luxury of time alone to work things through together.

He looked back across at her now as she walked across the room from the desk studying a patient file intently and came to a stop before she exited towards reception; turning slightly back around so he was able to see the level of concentration she was giving the paperwork in her hands. He had missed being able to watch her so freely in this manner without fear of her noticing and he reminded himself how beautiful the woman was that he would always refer to as his Samantha.

Suddenly she looked up as if distracted by something and Dylan registered the bewildered look etched across her face as she stared at him intently and once again he tried to reassure her with the smallest of half-smiles. Almost immediately a horrified expression descended down through her features and whilst Dylan was not close enough to her to understand why, the honesty of her expression cut through him like a knife, before she turned and fled from the department in sheer devastation. In the subsequent confusion every part of him wanted to follow but in truth he couldn't help but feel that it was something about him that caused her to bolt leaving him to pin his hopes on the thought that she had someone on the other side of those doors to offer her arms to run into, because in the state she appeared to have left in he wouldn't have wanted her to be alone.

Yeah, I really had to leave it there didn't I?

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you liked the update. This chapter is a bit of a turning point, because you might start to get some answers from next time as to what exactly is going on.

Reviews would always be welcome and the next update is likely to come in the middle of next week I think. Callie x