Firstly thank you all for getting me over 100 reviews for this fic and counting, that news alone made me smile (and extra special thanks to AngelRays95 and Rachel for simultaneously giving me reviews and taking me from 99 to 101 between them). Additionally this chapter is especially dedicated to the lovely Meggi (for making me smile), Ficmouse (for becoming my medical advisor in both this fic and my other) and for Anny (for every single 3am we've seen in together and keeping me going the last few days).

This update is shorter than others, but I've decided it will work better split up from the next part. It just needs to stand on its own.

Okay, I gave this a health warning last time and same rule applies for this chapter and the next. Just saying, but need to point that out because I want people to know the subject matter is going to be a little dark for a while.

To look out for you

The definition of broken

Broken: adjective; having been broken, having given up all hope, despairing

Nick Jordan

Nick stood watching Sam start busying herself by making the two of them a coffee and found himself eyeing her up and down for a physical sign that would demonstrate the scale of how badly affected she was by the emotional state she was obviously in. He recalled his desperation to leave the hospital, barely completing any handover to the next shift's Clinical Lead, before running to his car and speeding off in the direction of Dr Nicholls' abode. He knew that he had almost battered the door down in his haste to gain access to her flat, continually shouting through the letterbox and insisting to the girl inside that he was not going anywhere until she let him in and whilst he remembered the immediate wave of relief that had washed over him when she had opened the door apparently in one piece, he recollected that this had been replaced almost as quickly as it had arrived with an unsettling fear that had still refused to leave his mind on seeing the air of devastation that hung over her like a cloud on a stormy day.

He studied her features as she now stood motionless waiting for the kettle to boil and had to acknowledge how pale she looked, her hair hanging messily down her back and tear stains run dry across her cheeks. If he had asked anyone outside of their immediate circle he knew that none of them would have ever guessed that this woman was a highly skilled and competent medic, because in that one moment she looked more like a frightened young patient than the authoritative doctor he knew she was.

"I just need to use your toilet," he stated simply, breaking the silence but receiving no response from his companion in return. He left the kitchen without further comment and headed towards the other side of the flat where he presumed that he would find her bathroom but hesitated on seeing the open door to her bedroom instead. He looked back down the hall to check that she was not following him before entering the room with more than a hint of trepidation at the unknown awfulness that may await him inside.

Nick had to admit to himself that he had absolutely no idea what he was actually looking for but from his earlier conversation with Dylan he was frightened for Sam's safety in her own company and had this overwhelming need to put his own mind at rest by rummaging through her belongings, no matter how great an invasion of privacy she may view this as if she caught him out. He opened the doors of her cupboards one by one, before turning his attention to the chest of drawers and was aghast to see how little any of the units contained. From his own veritable history with women he was well aware that they tended to own more clothes, accessories and pairs of shoes than any normal human being could possibly ever wear and whilst he considered that Sam was not like the majority of the women he had dated, it shocked him nonetheless to see the minimal possessions that she seemed to own. The fact that he was certain that this was not because she had put most of her items in storage already before her departure for a warzone, more that what was present was the sum total of everything she had ever had, gave him an overwhelming sense of sadness at how little roots she seemed to have put down in the world. To him it felt as if her room was devoid of all personality, almost to the point that an outsider would have assumed that it was a show house rather than someone's actual home and he wondered with despair whether Sam had always been quite this detached from the life going on outside her own front door or if this was a worrying new development.

Nick forced himself to exit the bedroom so that he could continue his investigations of her flat before she realised that he was still missing from beside her. He headed directly for the only door in the place that could have been for the bathroom and as he pushed it open he gasped without conscious thought at the macabre scene of medical equipment left out on the shelf as if someone had been interrupted mid procedure. He picked up a few of the items and from their markings recognised them as being army issue, so had to assume that she had kept these from her last tour of duty and therefore made a mental note to confront her before he left that night as to exactly why she had retained them and the potentially horrifying reason as to why the implements had been so recently in use.

He spied the bathroom cabinet with a slightly ajar door and allowed curiosity to get the better of him as he pulled it open and stared inside. The empty bottom shelf was as worrying as it was unexpected, but he noted that there was nothing of interest in the remainder of the cupboard so closed the door with a heavy heart before heading back towards the kitchen.

Nick found himself pausing in the living area and scanned the room before his eyes came to settle on the bag Sam had earlier snatched from her locker lying by the sofa. He glanced back in the direction of the kitchen and could see that despite the kettle being long since boiled in his absence, the woman making the drinks appeared lost in thought and completely unaware of his presence behind her. He cautiously approached the bag before undoing the zip and reaching inside, pulling out the small number of items that were present in its contents. He quickly replaced the purse, keys, comb and small make up bag without further examination and instead found himself staring at a crumpled photo of Sam, Dylan and their dog in happier times, apparently walking somewhere remote together on a holiday or similar he guessed. He brought the picture closer up to his face and studied the girl's expression intently, allowing himself to consider whether there had always been such a despondent sadness evident in her eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?" Sam's voice shouted angrily from behind him and Nick found himself spinning round to come face to face with the annoyed looking woman, who moved towards him at speed and snatched the photo possessively from his grasp before he could react, storming back into the kitchen without further word.

"Sam," he called out after her, knowing that he would need to apologise for his apparent breach of her trust in order to rectify the situation and padded after her back towards her kitchen area. "Will you let me explain please?" he added pleadingly.

"Are you looking for these?" she retorted accusingly, throwing him a box of hospital issue painkillers bearing her name. Nick hastily opened the packet and was dismayed and sickened in equal measure to see that it was empty. He looked up at her pale, slightly tepid looking complexion and dulled expression with horror as he realised the possible consequences of such an event having taken place.

"They're down there," Sam stated pointedly, as if reading his mind and gesturing at the sink as she did so. He headed in that direction and peered towards where a cloudy watery residue filled with crushed pill remains littered the plug hole. "I managed to get eight of them down before I could hear Dylan's voice inside my head," she continued forlornly, as if regretting that she had ceased taking them but causing Nick to reflect on whether Sam had actually brought the pills back up through choice or because of the vomit inducing emetic this particular drug contained. However he hoped with all his strength that she had more than enough medical knowledge to be aware that taking so many would have forced her to be violently ill in the first place so therefore perhaps had not intentionally been trying to take her own life.

"Whatever else has gone on I know he feels awful about how it's all turned out and I couldn't have him feeling guilty forever for something that wasn't his fault," Sam added, explaining her actions and snapping Nick out of his thoughts. "I can either face up to everything that is going on or I can run away back to Afghanistan, isn't that what you've been trying to tell me all along?" she asked directly. "I know Dylan would have told you how much of a risk I pose to myself," she said as if this was a normal factual statement rather than one to frighten him senseless. "But as well as he thinks he knows me, I know me better and I like to think I'm stronger than that. A few years ago I might well have gone through with it, but not anymore."

"Let me in Sam," Nick interjected, trying to bring the focus back away from her apparent history of suicidal thoughts but feeling a slight weight lift from his shoulders on hearing that she had made a conscious choice not to go through with her plan even if that decision had occurred after she had first swallowed the potentially fatal dose. "Don't keep pushing me away, I just want to help you," he added, wanting to make her see that he was not going to walk away from her without putting up a fight.

"Why?" she argued, her eyes flashing with fire as she stared him down. "I'm not your problem anymore remember," she continued with a rawness in her tone that sliced through him like a knife. "I resigned didn't I?"

"Whatever you might think, there are people out there in the world that actually care about what happens to you," Nick responded firmly. "I happen to be one of them and right now all I can see is a scared young girl who is pushing everyone away for fear of getting hurt," he elaborated, matching her earlier bluntness with his own attempt at straight talking honesty.

"I'm not scared," Sam countered instantly as Nick watched her hand tighten around the photo she was still clutching. "And I don't need any of you."

"Since when was it a crime to show a bit of emotion?" he found himself asking without pausing to think through her possible answers. "Since when was it wrong to need a bit of help and support sometimes?" he continued, but not getting any response other than a stubborn look from Sam in reply. "Dylan is every bit as worried about you as I am," he explained, trying to show that he was not the only one wanting to be by her side but wishing that the girl's husband had had the courage to say to her all the things he had confided in Nick himself not long before as he doubted that this situation would have escalated so far if Sam had been able to take well-needed comfort from Dylan's unquestioning love for her. "In fact he was the one that suggested you might appreciate a bit of, um," he added, hesitating momentarily to find the right words. "Parental guidance to talk things through with someone."

"You're not my dad and you never will be, no matter what you think," Sam hissed at him, failing to suppress a bitter laugh as she did so. "But good luck with that, because the last thing I need is another useless parent. I mean you don't even have any kids of your own, so why the hell would I listen to your attempts at fatherly advice?" she questioned with venom, practically spitting the words at him and wounding him deeply with her remark instantaneously. Nick recalled that he had called his own paternal relationship with Dr Nicholls into question on many occasions in the last few weeks, trying time and again to establish quite why it was she that he had become so very attached to but other than her reminding him of a younger version of himself he had not yet managed to come up with a coherent theory that answered his unspoken question. Nonetheless he knew that his emotional investment in Sam was unlikely to diminish any time soon, especially in light of her husband's earlier indication that he was entrusting responsibility for the girl's safety and care to him as her surrogate father figure.

"I'm not trying to be your dad Sam, but I do want to help you," Nick responded cautiously, supressing his own hurt at her dismissal of him as it would not help his cause at that moment. "But I do care about what happens to you and from what Dylan told me, I have every reason to be worried," he added to prove his point, but thinking nevertheless that if there was one thing he was sure of it was that the woman in front of him definitely needed someone standing with her in her corner, fighting away demons and loneliness on her behalf, whether that be a parent, a husband or even just someone she could really trust.

"I don't know why," she answered almost silently and he watched as she chewed on her bottom lip, obviously struggling with the thoughts swirling through her mind. "I'm damaged and broken beyond repair and there is nothing you or Dylan can do to fix that and take this all away," she sadly elaborated. "Surely he would have told you that much as well?" she added simply. "I was broken long before he ever loved me," she continued with a vivid despondency that brought tears to prickle the back of Nick's eyes. "I was just better at papering over the cracks back then, that's all. And you should be grateful you aren't my dad, because I'm not his perfect little girl anymore, not his or Dylan's, and eventually all the men in my life come to realise that. I'm sure you won't be any different."

Nick spied the tears that were in the back of her deep absorbing eyes but before he could give any further comment she turned away and returned to making the coffee she had started when he had first entered her flat, despite being hindered by the picture still firmly in her grasp. Within seconds he noticed the now familiar sight of her shoulders shaking as she began to descend into silent sobs, a reaction it scared him to realise that she was a near expert in despite her apparent wish to appear an emotional blank canvas. He reached out to touch her back reassuringly but she flinched from his touch apparently instinctively and gripped the work surface with her free hand so tightly that Nick witnessed her knuckles go white. His trail of thought immediately jumped to the upcoming army medical that he was now certain she would not pass and whilst he could not help but feel relieved that she was unlikely to be going anywhere any time soon, it concerned him that the very reason for that could be that she was heading straight for the psychiatric ward instead.

He slowly replaced his hand on her lower back and moved closer towards her, trying to offer her a physical presence of comfort as if he somehow believed that would deal with her emotional torment. Sam stretched her hand out to the delicate looking porcelain cup of sugar that appeared to be at odds with the rest of the practical crockery in her kitchen and again Nick witnessed her grasp it tightly in her fingers, almost as if she was trying to gain some strength from its presence in her hand he didn't wonder.

However as he observed her tiny movement he was distracted by the photograph that had once been forcefully held in her grip dropping to the floor but now crumpled into a tight screwed up ball as if the happy image it contained had done something to warrant its destruction. Within moments there was the piercing sound of shattering glass as the cup smashed under the weight of pressure Sam's other hand was sustaining upon it and an accompanying shout from the girl herself as the porcelain cut deeply into her skin. Nick found himself automatically moving forwards at speed to yank her away from the fractured crockery but as he grabbed out for that hand he was unable to prevent her from throwing one of the two coffee mugs at the wall across the room from where they stood. The loud smash as it broke apart on impact stunned them both fleetingly into submission but as Nick found himself momentarily distracted by that noise he felt Sam struggle against his grip before she freed herself and frantically swept the remainder of the mugs, pots, broken sugar cups and cutlery from the work surface on to the floor as she let out the most ear piercing scream, finally allowing herself to release the full force of her anger and tears onto the inanimate objects in front of her.

Nick failed to move for a second; unable to process the devastating escalation in pure emotion that he was witnessing in the crazed behaviour of the girl he had long since learned to love. However on coming to his senses and realising the real risk she now posed to herself surrounded by the jagged points of the broken crockery on the floor, especially in light of the crimson red blood streaming from the deep gash in her hand, he made another grab out for Sam and dragged her back towards him away from the scene of the disaster.

He pulled her back into him and restrained her, trying to shut out the dismay he felt at the frightened expression that was fixed across the girl's face as he held her tightly into him. He winced as she lashed out at him repeatedly, in much the same way as she had done to Mr Ellis no more than two hours before, but whilst he managed to keep her held safely in his embrace it took all his strength to hold onto her as he was certain her abject fear had made her stronger than she would ever normally be. After what felt like a lifetime, but must have been no longer than thirty seconds, of Sam continuing to berate him physically for his restraint she finally dissolved into a mess of distressing sobs and streaming tears in his arms and went completely limp and lifeless in his embrace.

"It's okay Sam," Nick said reassuringly, whispering into the tousled mane of hair that was thrust under his chin as her head buried itself into his chest and warm salty tears began to soak into his shirt. "It's okay, let it all out. I'm right here." As he spoke her being a dead weight in his arms took its toll and he found himself collapsing to the floor with her still wrapped tightly in his arms, scooping her up and pulling her closer to him as they hit the ground. He could hear her heart beating rapidly against his own as she continued to cry, but as her tears escalated further once again he felt her tense up in his arms in a demonstration of fear he did not doubt.

"I was raped," she whispered from somewhere in the messy bundle on his lap. "I was raped," she said again, louder this time and he was certain he had now heard her correctly, forcing a wave of horror to build up inside of him and threaten to escape. "I was raped," she screamed, piercing the unspoken tension in the room with louder words than Nick had ever heard her speak. "I was raped," she screamed again one final time before the enormity of the words caused her to howl out a yell that he was fairly sure was close to inhuman in its depth and intensity.

He felt her sobbing stop from underneath his chin but as Sam's words began to sink into his consciousness and he realised with devastation the unspeakable experience that had once triggered the girl's descent into despair and isolation he heard her elicit the smallest of whimpers, almost cat like in noise, and it was that tiny sound representing everything that was young and vulnerable about her that finally caused him to break for the broken woman stuck in the horrors of her terrifying past.

Thank you very much for reading and I hope that you now feel you may have some answers to questions you've been asking me all along, and I promise the next chapter will further that cause.

Reviews would obviously be very welcome, because they make me smile as ever. And the next update will be up in a couple of days. Callie x