Hello all. Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed the last update, especially as I know it was quite an emotive topic to read and your comments, tweets and emails have been very much appreciated. This chapter is as ever dedicated to the lovely Ficmouse for her constant support and for always being on the end of a tweet or email when I need it, for the amazing Meggi for being pretty much the one person I can guarantee will make me smile even when she is having a bad day, and for Anny, for still being awake with me pretty much every night into the small hours and sharing millions of fic ideas with me! This is also for Alison for getting in touch, and for all the fangirlies who have been sharing excited tweets with me this week - because I love having people to share Sam and Dylan love with.
Anyway, so here we go. Update time. I hope you like it.
To look out for you
The definition of devastation
Devastation: noun; great destruction or damage, severe or overwhelming shock or grief
Zoe Hanna
Zoe splashed her face with cold water before staring at her crumpled reflection in the mirror of the toilets as the cool sensation of the icy liquid tingled against her skin. For that one moment she would have given almost anything in the world to head back out into the pub and get completely wasted on cheap wine with the others, but she knew that drinking was one thing that wouldn't help her maintain any semblance of control over the current situation and if there was one thing she was certain of it was that when other people were relying on her to stay strong she was not prepared to let them down.
She reached into the handbag she had slammed onto the sink surround and pulled out her make up bag and hairbrush with a view to attempting the impossible by trying to make herself much more presentable than her current dishevelled state of appearance. She thought back over the incredibly long and difficult shift with a sense of despair at how quickly things seemed able to spiral out of control these days whenever Sam was at the heart of them, although in this particular instance Zoe felt sure that no responsibility for the day's events laid at the younger doctor's door. She knew that her and Dr Nicholls were very diverse specimens of people and their individual personalities meant that she was sure she would react very differently to Sam when faced with something that scared her, but despite that she was adamant that the girl should not face punishment for her assault on Mr Ellis given all he had put her through the previous week.
Zoe dragged her brush through the straggly mess that topped her head and appeared to have replaced her normally neatly straightened style at some point through the traumatic shift as she considered the breakdown she had witnessed Sam have as she threw blow after blow in her assailant's direction before she was dragged off by two men who obviously cared more deeply about her than Zoe thought was perhaps healthy or appropriate. The actions of Dr Nicholls had been more akin to a wild animal freed from its cage temporarily than they had been that of a rational sane and sensible medical practitioner but strangely Zoe had drawn some comfort from the fact that Sam had finally managed to let go of some of the anger and confusion that seemed to have been bubbling away under the surface of her usually composed and expressionless exterior ever since she had known her, despite the violent manner in which these had exploded out of her earlier on.
She shook her head slightly to shake out her newly detangled hair before shoving the brush back in her bag with more strength than she had expected to use and knocking it onto the floor in the process. She bent down in front of the sink to pick up the keys and hospital ID that had slid out onto the tiles but even as she did the image of Sam filled her mind and she felt the tears prickle at the back of her eyes. She stood up sharply and stuffed her possessions back into her handbag blinking furiously to minimise any likelihood that tears might start to fall and she would be caught by a junior colleague crying in the ladies toilets, because that was an indignation she was not prepared to bear on top of everything else that had already occurred that day. It wasn't as if she did not know why the girl's situation was getting to her so much that evening, but it had been Nick's inconsolable tone of voice on the phone ten minutes beforehand when he had confirmed Sam had cried herself to sleep on his shoulder after attempting an overdose that had gotten to her like nothing else ever had.
She reflected back on her relationship with the rather damaged young woman she had reluctantly begun to accept would never be more than just a colleague, with them both having irreparably pushed any chance of friendship out of the equation in a rather ugly scramble to be in Dylan's world regardless of the consequences. Zoe had long since recognised that Sam was a highly talented doctor, in fact she doubted that Dylan would have invested so much time and effort in her professionally, or personally, if she had not had the skill level and intelligence to match his own and yet there was something about her occasionally irrational and reckless behaviour that just seemed to undermine that almost every time they had to spend any significant time together.
Zoe unzipped her make up bag and pulled out her mascara, determined to repair the ravages she appeared to have made in rubbing her eyes earlier on with tiredness. She found herself wondering quite what Dylan had said to Nick when she had left the two of them alone in the Clinical Lead's office but knew with disheartenment that from the speed Nick had left the department and the fear she had recognised had been etched across his face that it had been serious, something news of Sam's attempted act of self-harming had confirmed to her had indeed been the case. In the entire time she had known Dylan he had barely opened up about anything to do with his relationship with his ex-wife other than to comment with a resigned acceptance that she sometimes acted to spite him and their past. For him to have disclosed something significant to Nick Jordan gave her hope that Dr Keogh had finally seen that other people's interest in his wife was a positive, but she was also certain that he had only gone this far because he realised quite how desperate the situation now was. If nothing else the earlier tears she had gently brushed away from his cheeks had indicated to her that he was feeling as devastated by events as Sam appeared to be, because if she was honest with herself she had very much doubted before then that Dylan really knew how to cry.
Zoe stood back and looked herself up and down in the dirty mirror cursing the dimly lit toilets for giving her no real concept of whether she would now deem herself fit to face the world again. Her mind was still buzzing from Nick's revelation to her about the full horror of Sam's past and the immense betrayal she had suffered at the hands of her old friend, before finally considering whether the woman in question would have been aware that she had now been informed of the basic facts about what had occurred. She suspected that Sam would never actually have suggested Nick apprise her of such intimate and personal details, but she hoped that he would make the vulnerable woman aware he had told her what had gone on because now that she knew Zoe was certain she would be unable to prevent her own feelings on the situation from being played out across her face, despite knowing that the last thing someone as supposedly tough as Sam would want would be the pity of someone she could barely stand the sight of.
She pushed her make up back inside her bag before snatching it up and heading back towards the door, knowing that she could only remain hidden in the toilets for so long before once again having to put on a brave face and pretend to the crowd of colleagues that things were nowhere near as bad as they all seemed to fear, although she was now certain that they were indeed worse than any of them had anticipated. Zoe reached her hand out for the handle but instead of pulling it open she grasped it tightly and found herself instinctively moving forwards to lean against the door, her forehead pressing heavily against the solid wood frame as she breathed deeply. She thought back to the many rape victims she had treated in the past and the varying states of both physical and mental torture they had been through and she considered the strength of character Dr Nicholls must have to not only bring herself through that time, but to fulfil a deep held ambition to become an army medic regardless of her past. Zoe wondered whether the girl's complete disintegration now had always been inevitable or whether there was some clue she could have spotted in the last few months that would have prevented this and her mind briefly went back to the rape victim, Tracey, that she had worked on with Sam not that long before as she reflected on quite how over-invested Dr Nicholls had become with getting the woman justice, which now seemed even more understandable given the context of her own history.
Zoe finally removed her weight from the door and pulled it open slowly, grateful that no one had attempted to drunkenly barge in on her when she was collapsed against the frame. She entered the corridor back to the main bar slowly, hearing the familiar tones of a Scot and a Liverpudlian from just up ahead. She crept forward with trepidation, unsure of quite what sight would await her as she came across them but as she rounded the corner she spied the two of them wrapped together tightly in an embrace with Lenny running his fingers absentmindedly through Linda's hair as the nurse buried her face in his chest.
"I just want to feel something, anything," she was certain she heard the female voice mutter before the male responded with something akin to "She'll be okay you know, Sam is a pretty tough cookie," as he kissed her hair. Zoe watched as the blonde nurse pulled herself back from the man she had been very indiscreetly seeing over the past week before she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss before pushing him backwards in the direction of the disabled toilets. Zoe found herself shaking her head in despair at the behaviour of her friend, but recognised from her own past indiscretions that sometimes all a person really did need was the close comfort of someone else's warm body exploring their own. She had been there herself many times in the past and had gained varying levels of comfort from these experiences, but was adamant that if it had been anyone other than Dr Lyons who had just been bundled into the toilets with Nurse Andrews she would have called a halt to proceedings to stop the woman making such a deliberately desperate attempt to draw strength from someone else. In truth Zoe couldn't help but think that despite their individual faults Lenny and Linda actually made quite a coherently complimentary couple and therefore she found herself smiling at the giggles coming from down the corridor as she walked in the direction of the bar, tutting in disbelief at quite how blatant Linda could be sometimes.
As she re-entered the main pub she immediately spotted her colleagues, most notably because of all of those present the E.D. group definitely appeared the most subdued with each individual or pair seeming off in their own little world. She recalled how she had gathered them all together in the staffroom at the end of the shift after she had left Nick and Dylan to talk before coercing them all into accompanying her to the pub, not that most of them had needed much persuasion. It was on days like this that she knew being part of a team was important, as it was the support of colleagues over a couple of drinks that had always been her usual mechanism for dealing with the traumas of a difficult shift. That was something Zoe was certain most E.D. staff learnt soon enough on having to face the horror of death and destruction they witnessed day in, day out and whilst she was certain they were usually united over the fate of some hapless victims of a horrendous accident than the darkness of the situation a colleague faced, the coping strategy of bonding together seemed to work regardless.
She remembered that she had first gotten Tess and Charlie on board to attempt to establish some order to proceedings, despite it being sometime since either of the two senior nurses had joined the team on an evening of drinks. The pair had seemed as keen as she had been to try and restore some normality to the team in response to the complete and utter breakdown triggered in Sam and she had been pleased to see them convincing everyone else that drinks across the road were a positive step all round. Zoe knew that they had both been around for long enough to be party to the ups and downs of E.D. life on more than one occasion, but she also could tell that they both liked and respected Sam irrespective of her sometimes dismissive attitude and it couldn't have been easy on them either to feel completely helpless in the face of such distress.
Zoe approached the crowd of people sitting around the table and sat back in her usual seat, attempting to throw a smile in Dixie's direction as she did. The female paramedic had her arm around the shoulders of her depressed male colleague who was leaning forward clutching his pint and staring into it as if alcohol would somehow have the answers to take away his painful thoughts. She knew that it must have been gutting for them both, but Jeff especially, to have Sam slam her door in their faces when they had dropped her home earlier, especially given she was aware how close a relationship the two of them had always had with the young doctor ever since that first fateful day they had all spent in an ambulance together. If Zoe called their emotions correctly she would have assessed them as being the distraught parents of a frightened young girl and she suddenly found herself glancing away from them, as the enormity of Sam's situation threatened to overwhelm her once again. She could not begin to imagine quite how devastated these two would be to learn of what pain Dr Nicholls had once suffered and found herself selfishly feeling relieved that it would never have to be her decision to inform them of that particular piece of news, as in honesty she doubted that she would be able to form the words.
As she looked away Zoe found herself staring in the direction of Big Mac and Noel who appeared engrossed in a conversation about something vaguely nonsensical, but even though they seemed more animated than others around the table she could tell that their usually happy demeanour and comedy double act was tempered by the sadness than seemed to run through them all that night. If anything she felt certain that after hearing from Big Mac himself a week ago quite how excited he was at the prospect of sharing military stories with the army medic, Sam's incomprehensible disappearance and subsequent erratic behaviour must have come as a shock to him. However even as she considered that she wondered if through his own experiences in the armed forces and undoubtedly witnessing the irretrievable breakdown of some of his comrades that the porter may well have some useful ideas as to how to enable Sam to eventually move forward with her army career post this particular mess and she made a mental note to talk this through with Nick when the immediate sense of danger had been removed. Nonetheless Zoe felt certain that there was something in the humour the two men could usually be called upon to provide at a moment's notice, no matter how infantile, that she may well be able to use to her advantage in the coming days as she attempted to restore some order and normality back to such a fractured group of staff.
Zoe glanced back to her left hand side where the youngest member of the team and possibly one of the most affected by the events of the day sat silently staring into space, seemingly not noticing that Lloyd's hand was firmly gripped around her own in a gesture that screamed both of protection and adoration to Zoe in equal measure. She knew that from the moment Sam had arrived that morning with Scarlett in tow that the nurse appeared to respond very positively to being by Dr Nicholls' side, even though the two of them were very different in character. That Sam could once have been as innocent and naïve as Nurse Conway sometimes appeared and had that snatched away from her horrified Zoe so much, but it explained a great deal to her about why even in the face of everything that had been going on Sam had taken time to extend a hand of friendship and offer protection in Scarlett's direction and she could not bring herself to comprehend how confused the girl would be feeling on witnessing such a traumatic breakdown of a woman she obviously appeared slightly in awe of. Zoe found herself almost quietly congratulating Scarlett on her choice of role model as she knew the young woman could do far worse than model herself on Sam's attributes, but she also had the strange hope that perhaps the relationship could be mutually beneficial as she was sure that Sam could well do with some friends closer to her own age to have a bit of fun with in the future. She did wonder if Scarlett had actually noticed Lloyd's ever present ability to be by her side but knew from the scene she had witnessed in the staffroom that morning when Sam had all but handed her into his arms, that Dr Nicholls had also identified quite how much this sometimes unnecessarily argumentative and stubborn man had a soft spot for his female colleague. Zoe could barely recall him leaving her side since they had crossed the car park towards the pub, but furthermore she had also seen him struggling to control his emotions in the immediate aftermath of Sam's apocalyptic meltdown on top of Mr Ellis as it must have become apparent to Lloyd the imminent danger Scarlett had been in if Dr Nicholls had not intervened. Zoe considered whether Dylan must have felt similarly on learning what had happened to Sam all those years before and she wondered quite how many times in a day he held himself accountable for the destruction that had been caused when his back had been turned.
"I'm going to head off," Zoe said aloud to no one in particular and received very little in response except a well-meaning smile from Tess. "I've left some money behind the bar so please stay and just take some time out together ok?" she asked, acknowledging that very few people seemed to have heard her words. "I'd stay, but…" she trailed off.
"You need to see Dr Keogh," Charlie spoke as a statement of fact, rather than offering any judgement on her departure and causing her just to nod simply in return. "However perhaps someone else might need a quick word in his ear first," Charlie finished, gesturing towards the bar and Zoe shot him a thankful glance for bringing it to her attention, before she scooped up her bag and jacket from the floor and headed in the direction of her male colleague sitting alone, pausing only briefly to place a sympathetic hand on Scarlett's shoulder as she passed.
"Blaming yourself won't help her you know," she said calmly as she approached Tom, trying to offer some gentle reassurance to the man who was steadily drinking himself into oblivion and was leaning heavily on the bar, apparently unable to hold himself upright on the stool any longer.
"Yeah, well I have done so much to help her this last week haven't I?" Tom retorted, his eyes seeming unfocused as they stared back at her before he took another swig from his drink. "Tried to get her into bed, messed up things with her and her other half and I couldn't protect her from that man, just like before," he ranted so fast and incoherently that Zoe nearly misunderstood his words.
"It isn't your fault, I promise you of that," she countered. "You think you made a mess of this? I'm the one that actually jumped into bed with her husband despite knowing he was still in love with her, so what does that make me?" she continued, grimacing slightly at her own reference to her night with Dylan and trying to ignore the embarrassment she had felt upon Sam informing Tom of quite how used she had been that night. "Nick's with Sam now and she is finally beginning to open up to him and whilst I can't tell you what is going on," she added, shaking her head when he looked at her expectantly. "I can tell you that if anything you not taking advantage of her that night has probably helped her more than you could ever know," she elaborated, feeling that Dr Kent's actions had probably demonstrated to Sam that all men were not self-serving enough to disregard her wishes. "You've been a really good friend to that girl, she knows that as well as I do Tom, and I don't think she is going to forget easily how selfless you've been, I really don't," she concluded, finding herself instinctively pulling the unfamiliar shape of her young male colleague into a hug, knowing full well that in any other circumstance the chance to have such a good looking guy in her arms would be considered a positive end to a decent night out.
She was distracted from her thoughts by a chuckle from behind her and she turned to find Lenny and Linda standing gazing at the scene in front of them with interest and Nurse Andrews giving her a wry smile.
"That was quick," Zoe found herself quipping in their direction, triggering a bemused look from Linda in response as the nurse continued to readjust her clothes. "I'll see you tomorrow Tom," she added back in his direction before turning to the newly returned colleagues. "Keep an eye on him and make sure he gets home safe, okay?" she asked pointedly. "He's taken all of this very hard, you know," she justified, glancing back at where Dr Kent was now ordering yet another large drink. "Oh and Linda," she stated with a mock innocence. "Your blouse is on inside out," she ended, rolling her eyes at Dr Lyons and his partner as they blushed before walking past them and out into the darkness of the night, heading back into the hospital car park to fetch her car. As she strolled towards her vehicle she was torn between remembering with every ounce of her being how grateful she was that she was not too drunk to drive that night, but also how much it would both hurt and destroy those who had been sitting around that table to know the truth about what had happened to Sam in the past, and hoping against hope that there was never any reason for them to find out, for she knew how much her young colleague would hate to be even more exposed than she already was.
Zoe drove in the direction of Dylan's boat on autopilot without any real thoughts as to what she was going to say when she finally caught up with him. She remembered that he had left the hospital without so much as a word in the wake of Nick's rapid departure but somehow she had been certain that he wouldn't also be heading to Sam's flat, which she had been proved right on when Nick had called her to inform her that having spoken to Dr Keogh over the phone he was actually quite worried about him. She could count on one hand the number of times she had ever had cause to head towards the boat and most of those had been for practical reasons, such as the sharing of a lift for work and she realised with some regret once again that whilst she had been busy planning a future with this man he had barely even acknowledged her existence outside of a work environment. It was quite obvious to her now that Dylan still loved Sam, in fact she was unsure how this hadn't been more apparent to her all along if she was honest with herself, but she couldn't help but wonder if it hadn't been for the terrible events that had unfolded in the past whether the Keogh's would ever have come close to being married. Despite her overriding wish that love prevailed Zoe did find herself questioning that momentarily, as she recalled all the times in the past few months since learning of the relationship of her two colleagues she had wondered how crotchety Dr Keogh and argumentative Dr Nicholls had gotten close enough to get it together in the first place. All she could assume was that in this instance, some things did not require words.
She parked her car up behind Dylan's battered old one, sighing slightly as she remembered his slightly flirtatious banter with her way back when he had first arrived in Holby before she exited her vehicle and headed down the darkened path to where the boat was moored. The first thing she noticed was the lack of lights aboard the vessel he had made his home and she briefly considered that perhaps he had gone elsewhere for the evening, although she was certain he had nowhere else particular to go and hoped with all her heart that it wasn't a pub he had ended up in. However her eyes soon accustomed better to the lack of light and she spied the sight of a hunched figure sitting on the steps, with what appeared to be his dog lying with its head in his lap.
"Dylan?" she questioned quietly as she approached, unsure if he had seen her and not wanting to alarm him or his canine companion. He looked up as if puzzled that she was there and in the moonlight she could see the glisten of moisture beneath his eyes, with obvious tear tracks apparent down his cheeks giving him the impression of someone who had been crying for longer than she could conceive imaginable. Even his dog looked forlorn, as if she was aware of how unusual it was for her master to show such real emotion and as the dog looked up towards Dylan, Zoe watched as his hand absentmindedly ruffled its head, as if he was taking some comfort from the presence of his companion at his feet. "Nick called me," she continued, unsure he was aware that she had been informed of the circumstances that had led to his tears. "He told me what happened to Sam."
"I failed her Zoe," Dylan stated with a weight of guilt and disappointment behind the words that she found both disconcerting and unexpected and she found herself moving to sit beside him on the steps, bringing her own hand up to stroke the head of the dog who looked as devastated as its owner. "I should have known she would break, that it would all get too much, but I didn't see it until it was almost too late," he said angrily. "She could have killed herself; she could have killed herself and then what would I have done? How could I have gone on without her?" he ended, his voice crackling with emotion and breaking as he finally spilled out those last few painful words in a rush of horror.
Without stopping to consider what his reaction might be Zoe wrapped her arms around Dylan's shoulders and pulled him into an embrace, feeling a suddenly overwhelming need to hold him close and offer him some small measure of comfort, although she very much doubted it was her that he really wanted by his side. She felt his rigid form began to crumble into her as the enormity of the situation overtook him and he began to sob uncontrollably into her chest. Zoe took in the uncharacteristic display of emotion from the usually stoic man and recognised that despite the awful experience Sam had been through, Dylan too was very much an innocent in these circumstances as she was. From the little she had gleaned of his past and from how she had seen him interact with others since his arrival in town she had a suspicion that Dr Keogh's relationship history was limited and clumsy at best, so to have the woman he loved be torn apart in front of his eyes and for him to then fail to live up to her expectations must have been shattering for him.
So for what felt like the longest time Zoe sat there beside him, tightly grasping the weeping form of a man she would always consider her friend as she cried into his hair at the terror that had befallen poor, innocent Sam and led them to this day and as she heard the dog whimper from by their feet she recognised that some situations were too devastating to comprehend.
Sam Nicholls
Sam woke up and uncurled herself, wincing slightly at the pain from her tense and stiffened muscles that had been aggravated hours earlier in her assault on Mr Ellis. She had not given herself credit for quite how overwhelmingly tired and edgy she had been until she found herself collapsing into sleep some time before against the side of the man who meant more to her than just a boss. She blinked her eyes a number of times to readjust to her surroundings and realised that she was no longer seated on the floor in front of her sofa, more that she was lying sprawled across it with her quilt placed carefully over her, as if a father had just tucked up his little girl in bed for the night. She couldn't quite be sure how she had ended up where she was but decided that the most likely option was that at some point as she drifted off Nick had moved her to make her more comfortable and somewhere within the warm recesses of her mind she could vaguely recall the feeling of finally being safe that had overtaken her as she floated off into slumber held in his arms.
Sam rolled herself up into a seated position, stretching out her arms as she did so and as she removed herself from the quilt she caught sight of a familiar canine-shaped bundle on the floor. She was certain that she had never been more pleased to see that dog than in that particular moment and she reminisced briefly about all the times when Dervla's presence had been the only soothing comfort she had needed to sleep well after a day of difficult memories. She reached down and stroked her companion's head, noticing how incredibly cute Dervla appeared when she slept with one paw by her face like a small child, like her small child. That this dog had stayed curled up beneath her just as she always had done in the past, despite having not seen Sam for some considerable time, made her smile in spite of the circumstances and she found herself silently agreeing with Dylan's assessment that this dog was far more intelligent than most other canines.
Sam realised if she listened intently she could just make out voices coming from her kitchen, where she assumed that her husband would be given that his dog was currently asleep in her flat and most likely his conversation partners would be Nick and Zoe as her best guess. She was pretty sure that none of them would have been likely to invite anyone else into her home whilst she was sleeping; especially given how much of a mess they all knew she was in and of all the people that could be there these three were the best placed to stand by her side. She had to admit to herself that it felt disconcerting to have Zoe in her flat, notwithstanding the fact that the woman who had long since appeared to be her rival now knew her darkest secrets, but despite the mortification she was experiencing at the thought of Dr Hanna seeing her weak and potentially offering her pity, she knew it had been the right call to permit Nick to let her in on what was going on.
Sam recalled how crystal clear it had been to her that Mr Jordan was struggling to cope under the weight of the disclosures she had made to him earlier on, with the sadness ever present in his eyes as she spoke being testament to that like nothing else. She knew from her past experiences watching Dylan attempt to keep his head above water on hearing what had occurred that it would be utterly selfish of her to ask Nick never to discuss it with anyone else and whilst she could have advised him to go to her husband, she very much doubted that he would have had any more joy than she ever had at talking through emotional matters with the emotionally closed off man. The truth of the matter was that both of these men in her life seemed to trust Zoe implicitly even in spite of all that had occurred and therefore she was sure they would feel able to confide in the woman if things became too hard, a safety net Sam felt happier knowing they had available to them should it ever be required.
She carefully stood up, gingerly picking her way across the floor around the sleeping dog and feeling the tickly sensation of the carpet beneath her bare feet as she walked. She could scarcely hear the hushed conversation from across her flat, but just from its tone she could tell that it was intense and she didn't feel any need to fight her urge to attempt to listen in, reflecting that after all they were most likely discussing her circumstances whilst standing in her flat.
A small snuffle from behind her caught her by surprise and she felt her heart instantly pound against the confines of her chest as her breathing quickened in fright, before she was able to place the noise as the sniffling of her much loved dog. She realised that it had been such a long time since she had last had real company in her flat, Tom's night on her sofa aside, that she had grown used to the eerie silence that usually seemed to hover when she was locked away on her own. She stood in the middle of her living room like a statue focusing only on her breathing like her army counsellor had once instructed her to do before bringing herself back under control and reminding herself that she was safe, in fact more safe than on any normal day given the three people standing mere feet away from her in the other room.
Sam padded across the remainder of the carpet and stood near the entrance to the kitchen, close by but knowing she would be out of sight of the people in contained unless they had cause to deliberately stare in her direction. She briefly glanced down at her attire of pyjamas and a hoody, with her messy limp hair that she had done nothing with since her shower and absolutely no make-up on and wondered whether Dylan would even notice the state she was in. He had always had this uncanny knack of seeming to look straight past her outward appearance since he twice called her beautiful, whether she looked awful from a rough shift or had made an attempt to dress up for some formal event and to this day she was still not certain whether this was because he genuinely didn't notice or he just chose not to pass comment any longer for fear of reminding her of the past.
She peered round the door and spied Dylan leaning against the sideboard she recalled smashing things up on earlier, before noticing quite how pale and withdrawn he looked with sadness at the impact she had managed to have on him once again. From her vantage point she could just see Zoe and Nick standing further across the room, with evident worry etched over her female colleague's face as she looked earnestly between the two men who it was clear she cared about a great deal. The three of them had obviously been deep in conversation for some time and seemed totally oblivious to her presence in the doorway so she stood motionless, almost unable to move in fear of not hearing how their discussion about her, and most likely her past, present and future, was evolving.
"I just can't get it out of my head what that man, that monster, did to her," Nick stated sharply, causing Sam to wince inwardly for her friend at how pained he seemed. "I don't know how you didn't kill him, I really don't," he concluded angrily. "I don't think I would have been able to stop myself," he shouted, banging his fist down on the kitchen table in fury and forcing her to gasp in response, before she instinctively felt her hand fly to her mouth as she realised the others would have heard her listening in, even if they had not before seen her appear.
"Sam?" the female doctor stated questioningly and she found herself staring into the eyes of three worn out and drained looking individuals. "We didn't see you there."
"I gathered," she responded slowly, chewing down on her lip uncomfortably as she did so as she took in that she was now standing in her own kitchen surrounded by people who had more reason to ask her questions and want emotional commitment from her than anyone else, which was beyond what she felt able to offer them or even herself in that moment.
"We were just talking," Nick chipped in; meeting her gaze with a look she was sure was meant to give her reassurance.
"About Ash? I heard," Sam answered without hesitation. "For the record, Ash isn't a monster," she continued, disapproving of how thick with emotion her voice came across as being. "Monsters are stories kids tell themselves when they are afraid of the dark. I should know, I had enough of my own, you know that," she stated simply, gesturing in the direction of her silent husband. "But Ash isn't a monster, he's far too real and he doesn't run away when I turn the light back on. He is in my head all of the time, every single day, every minute and he never goes away," she elaborated, her voice cracking as she closed her eyes momentarily to push away the tears. "I can still see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his touch," she added, biting back the wave of nausea she felt on saying those words aloud and drawing her arms around herself in an act she could only assume was meant to protect her from being hurt further. "He's just there, he's always there and that is never going to change. Mr Ellis, well he hurt his wife and he betrayed her trust, but all I could see was Ash, just like it was four years ago all over again and his hands were on my skin forcing me back onto the bed," she explained, her mind filling with images that she had grown used to dismissing as nothing more than a bad dream. "I always relied on you to take it all away," she disclosed dejectedly, turning once again to Dylan's hushed form. "And for years you just being there made it all okay but I can't ask you to do that anymore, I know that I can't expect you to save me every time I fall. I just can't get him out of my head and I don't know if this will ever stop. Tell me it will stop," she ended pleadingly and feeling her eyes fill with the warmth of salty tears.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself Sam," Dylan stated hoarsely and once again she saw an honesty in his emotion that had been a rarity to her until today since those first few weeks when she had grown to love this man. "We can't keep doing this to ourselves," he added emphatically. "Things have to change. We have to change," he concluded and Sam found her fingers somewhat automatically extending out to lock in with his as he squeezed her hand tightly in a comforting hold.
"I know," Sam replied sadly, before physically shaking herself free of the intensity of her husband's touch and the depth of feeling it conveyed. "I'd offer you all a coffee," she continued, turning back towards the two others present in the room and changing the subject pointedly. "But I am not sure whether I have enough cups left that I've not smashed up tonight," she finished and she was pleased to see a small smile being elicited from both Nick Jordan and Zoe Hanna in reply.
"There will be a set of mugs in there," Dylan said plainly, pointing towards a box that Sam was certain had remained under the kitchen counter since she had first moved in. "I very much doubt you ever unpacked all the things I left for you in storage but I recall giving you a complete set of all you would need in that box."
Sam considered the irony of the fact that in her short time in their marital home she had managed to accumulate enough of everything that Dylan had divided their possessions between them for storage and yet since she had returned to pick up the goods she had barely even sneaked a peek to see what the small number of boxes contained. There had been something about keeping house for him, regardless of her lack of domestic skill, that had pleased her greatly and she knew she had taken great pleasure in sourcing appropriate items to fill what she had always hoped would become their family home, a skill she was sure she had learned from her own mother. The act of homemaking had been something she had barely considered even keeping up a pretence of since their separation and she was certain in the last year or so she had grown accustomed to living on microwavable meals for one and comfort eating to suit her mood.
"Maybe I should go?" Zoe spoke from the other side of the room, causing Sam to break from her trail of thought as she stood and watched Nick wordlessly make an attempt to open the still sealed cardboard box which had been helpfully marked with the word "kitchen" a long time before. "Give you all a chance to talk?" she added, seemingly as a suggestion.
"Whatever you think of me Zoe, whether you hate me or whatever, I know that he needs you," Sam responded instantly, tipping her head in the direction of the once again silent and expressionless Dr Keogh. "They both need you," she added as she watched Nick finally prise open the lid of the box and remove a number of mugs just as had been suggested to him there would be. "And if after everything that has happened between you all you can find it in you to be friends, then I applaud you for that, I really do," she continued earnestly, reflecting on quite how strong she felt this woman was for the support she had managed to supply to both Nick and Dylan despite the hurt she must herself be feeling. "I've turned everything upside down all over again and as usual I get to be the one that walks away, leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. I know that it isn't fair, but if I am expecting you to stay behind to sort everything out then the least I can do is tell you what is going on right?" she queried.
"You're still planning on going back to Afghanistan?" Nick interjected with horror. "After everything you've been through the last few weeks, you still want to go back?"
"Of course," Sam replied simply. "What have I got to stay for?" she asked bitterly, turning her head so she did not have to see Dylan's reaction to her harsh words. "I don't have a job anymore and if I stay then I'm almost guaranteed to get arrested," she continued, putting her hand up to halt the comments she knew her companions were about to throw in her direction. "Don't tell me I won't, because it will be a lie. I kept hitting him, over and over. I just kept hitting him and I know I wouldn't have ever stopped if I hadn't been dragged off," she described, remembering the strange sense of calm that had descended over her mind as she had reined blows down on the man who had triggered so many memories for her. "So no, Zoe, you don't have to go," she continued, referring back to the female's earlier question. "I haven't got any secrets anymore; I've got nothing else left to hide."
The room descended into silence as Sam saw the other people present begin to comprehend her words before she was distracted from her thoughts by a sudden movement from her husband standing next to her as he strode past as if to exit the kitchen. She felt her heart sink momentarily on realising that Dylan was about to walk out on her without so much as a conversation but she recognised that she had no right any longer to ask him not to leave.
"Are you coming?" he questioned from beside her, gesturing out into the living area and she saw instantly that his eyes were filled with a sorrow she knew she had only ever seen matched with her own. "If you're going to leave me all over again, if you really are going back this time, we at least need to talk first," he continued. "Alone. About us, about Ashley, about what happens next," he explained, emphasising each individual word as if to stress its importance. "About whether you would consider coming back to Holby after you've finished finding yourself out there again," he elaborated. "About whether you would consider coming back to me," he concluded with a raw emotion that hit Sam like a steam train and caused the devastation she had been feeling ever since she had awoken that morning to be replaced with a sense of shock that she knew would be palpable to all of those in the room. "I don't want a divorce Sam, I don't want us to be over. I want to start again; I want us to start again."
As usual, thank you so much for reading and reviews as ever make me very happy. The next part should be up over the weekend, well that is the plan anyway. There is not too much more of this fic to go, maybe 3 or 4 more chapters so I am grateful to you all for sticking with it so far.
Love Callie x