Flee From Our Troubles
A Heart to Die for: Part 1
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts... ((cries in corner)) Nor do I own the song "Missing" by Evanescence. If you've never heard it, there's a link to the song inmy profile, otherwise you can find it on YouTube.
Author's Notes:
So, here's the next chapter. Thanks for all of the loverly reviews! Thanks to Torrina for helping me edit this chapter and the last...
"Riku…who is this?" I asked, astonished at the blond boy before me clutching on to my silver-haired companion with a death grip.
"I'm…not sure myself, Sora…" he replied, surprise clear on his face at the spiky haired boy at his feet.
"You can't be serious! It's me! Roxas!" he cried, falling back and looking up into Riku's confused aquamarine eyes. "We were best friends when we were little! He… he took us away from each other… but I've found you! I've finally found you!" he sobbed, burying his face once again in Riku's legs. "I've missed you…"
"R-Roxas?" he asked, bending down and nervously wrapping his arms around the boy. "Are… are you really the one I've been looking for?"
"Riku… I've looked for you for so long…"
Meanwhile, I stood there, completely and utterly stunned. Was this the boy that Riku had been searching for all this time? Was this the boy that Riku had spent half of his life trying to find? Was this boy… my replacement?
"Roxas… I… I've searched for you…" Riku replied with bright eyes, returning the hug securely now that he had overcome his initial shock. Were those… tears I saw? Riku was… crying?
"You have no idea how long I've waited for you…"
"Uhh… sorry to interrupt," I finally interjected, causing the two to break apart in order to look at me, "but shouldn't we be going before the storm gets worse?" My own actions confused me; I didn't know why I said that. Maybe it was because I was worried about this boy stealing Riku?
"Riku… who's this?" the boy "Roxas" asked with his arms still locked around the older boy. "You… didn't replace me with a cheap copy, did you?" He gazed up at the silver-haired teen, sapphire eyes still full of tears. I couldn't help but notice how similar their color was to my own. Then his words registered in my mind.
'Who is he calling a replacement?' I thought. 'I was with Riku before he even came along!'
"N-no, I didn't replace you. Roxas, this is Sora," he said awkwardly, introducing the two of us as his hand swiped across his eyes.
"R-Riku, we have to go!" I insisted, nervously tugging on my sleeves. I wondered...What if Riku chose to stay with this boy instead of me?
"Wait, you mean you're planning on going tonight? The blizzard will hit any minute now! You should stay here!"
"Actually, we really should go…"
"You… want to leave already? But…we just found each other! Riku… Please stay here! I… I don't want to lose you again!" he cried, hugging the tall teen tightly and looking up at him with forlorn eyes. Damn, this kid was good.
"I… I guess we could stay…" Riku finally said after a long pause. "Just until the storm passes. That okay with you, Sora?"
I felt my heart sink. "Sure! It's fine!" I said, trying my best to look cheerful, faking a smile in the process. "You were the one who wanted to go out anyways. I guess… we should go up and rent a room together?"
"Why?" Roxas asked innocently. My smile faltered.
"We… always get rooms together…" I trailed off as I noticed his eyes light up.
"Well, Riku could stay with me! We haven't seen each other in so long, and…it'll be nice to catch up on what we've missed… Would you mind, Siru?"
"It's 'Sora'. And no, I… I guess I don't mind… I mean, you two were best friends a long time ago, right? I don't have any right to come between you now that you've finally found each other."
"Sora…"
"No, really; it's fine. I'll just rent a room by myself. Go ahead!" I said, feeling tears pricking the back of my eyes and making my throat feel clammy. I walked past them towards the check-in desk, both to reassure them of my decision and to keep them from noticing that I was about to cry.
"Okay… so where's your room?" came Riku's voice behind me, and Roxas didn't waste any time in leading him off.
"Sir, are you okay?" the lady at the receptionist's desk asked. I nodded.
"I just need a room for one," I told her, and watched as she handed me a room key. I took some money out of my bag and watched as she typed some numbers into a computer.
"Here," she said, holding out the key as I handed her the money. "You know, you should smile more. You never know who's gonna fall in love with it." She winked.
"Thanks," I said, forcing cheerfulness into my voice. I pocketed the key and headed for the creaky wooden stairs that led to the rooms upstairs. As quietly as I could, I climbed the worn steps and entered the main hallway. I searched for the door with the correct room number, and finally found it at the end of the hall.
As I walked down the hallway, one of the doors started to swing open. I slowed down, but didn't stop as two familiar boys, one with spikes of golden blond hair and the other with silver came into view. I put on another fake smile as I passed, glancing at Roxas who was currently hanging off of Riku's arm with a wide grin on his face.
"Hey, Riku… Roxas…" I figured I should probably get used to the name. That is, if they even wanted me hanging around them after the blizzard passed.
"Sora… you okay?" Riku asked, concern filling his eyes at the sight of me.
"Oh… I'm fine." I continued walking past before he could say another word.
"Come on, Riku, let's go," I heard Roxas whine.
"Okay, okay…"
I opened the door to the room at the end of the hall and paused in the doorway. Glancing back down the hall, I watched the two friends disappear down the stairs towards the common room. I sighed and stepped all the way inside, shutting the door behind me. I let my bag drop to the floor as I walked forward and fell face first into the welcoming bed.
Everything was quiet.
Too quiet.
Using my arms to push myself back onto my feet, I picked up my bag and trudged over to the bathroom. I figured that since Riku and I had temporarily gone our separate ways, he wouldn't notice if I did anything stupid. I opened the door and slumped against the cold, tile wall like I had so many times before. I looked in the mirror at my almost expressionless eyes, before sliding all the way down to the floor. The only emotions I had seen in my clouded, cerulean orbs were hopelessness and despair.
I hung my head and rolled back the sleeve, exposing the pale skin underneath. I ran a hand across the recent scabs, feeling the now bumpy scratches. "Why do I do this to myself again?" I murmured as I dug my fingernails into my skin. I released a sigh and dragged my bag in front of me, reaching inside for my knife. I stared at the sharp edge, the blade stained in my own blood. I placed it on my skin, pressed down gently and watched as the crimson blossomed all around it like a deadly flower. It was then that somebody knocked on the door. I jumped as I was yanked suddenly out of a pain- induced stupor, causing me to cut myself deeper than I had intended to. I muttered a small string of curses under my breath as the blood started to run down my arm.
The knocking came again and I heard a familiar voice. "Sora? Is everything okay?" My eyes widened and I hurriedly yanked down the sleeve of my shirt, hissing as the fabric rubbed across the wound. I winced as I noticed it soaking through. I jumped up and bolted across the room, barely realizing it as I opened the door while simultaneously hiding my bloody arm behind my back.
"Hey, Riku," I said in as cheerful a voice as I could muster, given the circumstances. He looked a little guilty, and I couldn't help but wonder why.
"Sora... is everything all right? I mean, you didn't look very good when I saw you in the hall. Are you sure you're okay with me staying with Roxas?"
"Oh...! I'm fine, Riku," I replied with a smile. I could feel blood running down my arm and pooling in my hand.
"Really?"
"You shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm not important enough." I smiled and quickly closed the door, leaning against it once it had shut all the way. I brought my hand up and started at it in amazement. So much blood... I could see splatters on the wood where I had been standing.
"Sora! Sora, let me in! Why do you always say stuff like that? You're important to me! Please, open up! Sora!" he yelled, banging on the door. The vibrations resounded through my back and echoed around the near-empty room. But I refused to open the door. I couldn't let him see me like this... Not after I had promised I would stop. "Sora!" He sounded desperate, pain lacing his words. But I couldn't let him in. He was better off being out with Roxas. The banging became weaker and weaker, and before long, he gave up. "Fine, Sora, don't let me in. Just... remember... you're important to me... Can't you see that? Is it really such a bad thing?"
As I heard his footsteps disappear down the hall, I sighed wistfully and hung my head as my body slumped down the door. I was hopeless. Yes, it was a bad thing for Riku to even be around me. Ansem was still out there, and who knew what would happen when he found me? What would he do to Riku? I couldn't let him get hurt because of me. I just… couldn't.
Standing up, I stumbled over to the bathroom and fished around in my bag for the first aid kit I knew was there. Lazily dragging the box out, I found the gauze and dragged myself over to the sink. I had to rinse off the blood before I put on the bandage. I let out a sad sigh as I watched the liquid disappear down the sink.. When the cut was clean, I wrapped the bandage tightly around my wrist, and I tried not to notice how quickly the white material turned crimson. I figured I should probably change my shirt, considering the one I was wearing was stained with blood.
In under a minute, I was ready to go. My injured wrist ached under the bandage, but I did everything I could to ignore it. I sighed and left the room, carefully creeping back down the creaky stairs. Glancing around the lobby, it wasn't long before I spotted them; the boy's blond spikes shimmered with the glare of the fire, making it seem as if his hair was made of the substance. Riku had his back to me, and he slouched in his chair as he stirred the contents of a ceramic coffee cup with a small stir stick. I slowly snuck past, hoping not to bring any attention to myself. Suddenly, Roxas looked up, stared me straight in the eye, and… went right back to talking to Riku. I willed my now frozen body to move, and eventually, I started to take little steps.
I selected a secluded spot next to the fire on a large leather couch that seemed big enough to swallow me whole. I sighed once again and stared at the flickering embers. It was an entrancing sight, and I lost myself in it before I felt the couch sink as someone else sat on it. I looked over in surprise and noticed bright red hair.
"Y-you!" I exclaimed, recognizing the boy from the gang. He was simply staring into the fire, similar to the way I had been before.
"My name isn't 'you', you know," he responded, never taking his eyes off of the fire. "The name is Axel. Got it memorized?"
"A-Axel… what are you doing here?" I asked, pressing myself against the end of the couch in as small a ball as I could muster.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to hurt you… it's just that you look so much like him…" he trailed off, fascinated by the fire. I watched as he reached out a gloved hand and played with the flames, teasing them in places.
"Won't you get burned doing that?" I asked, thoroughly confused as to why he was here. What did he want with me, anyway?
He smirked. "That's what he always asks, too." For the first time he looked up at me, and in the emerald depths I saw emotions I knew all too well. Pain, grief, and overwhelming sadness. "You know, everything I've ever done was for him…"
"Who?" I inquired, gradually becoming interested as I stared at the red-head.
Pointing, he replied, "Him. Roxas."
"Roxas? Why?"
"Well… I guess it all started when I first met him… it was only a year ago, but… ever since then, I've been obsessed. I couldn't get him out of my head. He just kept me thinking, 'I've got to have him.' But… he's never returned my feelings. Not once. An occasional smile, an even rarer laugh, but he just… doesn't love me the way I love him. And ever since he met that man, he's been more distant than ever. And when he finally found Riku, I knew that was the end. I've lost. I'm beaten. So here I sit. I'll always watch over him, even if it is from the shadows." Sadly smiling he looked down into his lap.
"Who… what man?" I asked, tilting my head at the teen next to me.
"Sorry. Top secret. But, I have one little piece of advice for you…forget about that Riku kid. If you don't, you'll only end up hurting yourself." With that, he stood up, and he walked past Riku and Roxas' table, giving both boys a rather gloomy look.
What did he mean when he said that? Did he mean that Riku would stay with Roxas? Or that Riku would forget me? But he said he cared about me… did he really mean it? I watched as the two stared at each other. Riku seemed happier than he had ever been with me… and all of a sudden, a depressing thought descended upon me.
'Riku… doesn't need me, not anymore.' I suppressed a sob and stood up, leaving the comfort of the warm fire. It didn't matter; I didn't feel the warmth anyways. With a heavy heart I paused at the bottom of the spiral staircase and looked back at the two. I saw them holding hands, and I had to suppress another wave of tears. I knew now, more than ever, that what I was doing was for the better. I would finally be out of his life – he had Roxas now. I was no longer needed by anyone.
It didn't take me long to reach my room. In fact, I hardly remembered walking towards it. I was too busy concentrating on the pit in bottom of my stomach. It felt like a void had opened up. And now my heart felt so lonely and sad. The faint sound of the door shutting behind me brought me out of my haze, and I collapsed on the wooden floor.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe what I was doing was stupid…
"No one needs you, Sora," I reminded myself, swiping my hands across my face, clearing the threatening tears. "You're all alone, now." I dragged my bag closer and reached in for the only thing I needed. The only thing that had been with me since the beginning. I hid the sharp knife in my pocket and stood up, blearily looking around for some paper and a pencil. I don't know why I felt the urge to write a note to him… it just felt like the right thing to do. Eventually finding a pad of paper and a pen in the drawer, I sat down on the bed to write my final words.
"Hey, Riku," I began, but decided that was too informal. I scratched it out and in its place wrote, "Dear Riku." In the next lines, I spilled my heart out, staining the page with tears. By the time I finished, it looked like this:
Dear Riku,
By the time you find this letter, I'll already be gone. Gone in which way, I do not know. All the time with you was… wonderful. I don't think I had ever been happier in my life. And because of that, I'm afraid that I must go. You've given me so much joy in the few days I've spent with you, that now it's time that I repay you. I realize that your life will be happier with Roxas, not me. He was your best friend before, right? I hope that you'll be happy with the life you've chosen. Please, forgive me, then forget me, for I'm not worthy of your precious memories. All you have is all you need, and I'm definitely not something of consequence. Live and be happy; that's all I want for you. Goodbye, Riku.
Sora
Unable to stop the tears any longer, I let them flow freely down my face like a cascading waterfall. I laid the note on the bed, and took one last look around before exiting the room, leaving the door behind me unlocked. I crept down the silent halls and descended the staircase, willing the tears to stop. By the time I reached the bottom, the flow had already ceased to exist. I snuck my way to the door, keeping my eye on the concierge. As soon as she looked down I cracked the door open and stole one last glance at Riku before slipping out. It didn't matter; they wouldn't miss me, anyways.
Please, please, forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
and barely conscious you'll say to no one:
Isn't something missing?
I shivered. It was so cold out. But that wouldn't keep me from my plan. I wouldn't let such a little thing as temperature keep me from trying to go on alone. I mean, if Riku caught me, I wouldn't have a chance. He'd obviously try to stop me.
The flakes came down in fierce flurries, swirling past my face and falling to the frozen ground. The drifts already reached past my ankles, even though it had only started snowing a couple hours ago. Another round of shivers wracked my body and I couldn't help but wrap my arms around myself in a vain attempt to keep warm. Teeth chattering, body shaking, I took my first step out into the wild, unpredictable storm, mind set on continuing forward. Through the flakes I could see the exit of the town. Now all I had to do was get there.
You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
One step. Then another. It was a maddeningly slow pace, but there was no humanly possible way for me to go any faster than I already was. The frozen droplets were starting to soak through my clothes and I could feel the cold cut through me sharper than any knife. I shivered constantly as more flakes landed on my pale face. The ice melted as it came into contact with my skin, but my hair and eyelashes were soon covered in the substance. I looked up briefly, only to realize thatI was only half way there.
A regretful sigh escaped my lips as I attempted to go faster, desperate to get out before someone noticed I was gone. I no longer knew what I was doing. I wasn't thinking any longer about what was good or smart for me. It felt as if a dark cloud had fallen over my mind, and it blocked out any intelligent thoughts I might have.
Even though I'm the sacrifice
you won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Eventually, I reached the gate. I looked back at the path was and found that my footprints were already starting to fill in. Good. Now Riku wouldn't be able to find me. Nor could anyone else, for that matter. I pressed forward, heading for the slope just past the town before the mountain steeped down and into the land below.
My thoughts wandered back to Riku. I was sure he was happy, considering he had his best friend with him now. Roxas would be able to fill the void in his life. I'm probably the last thing on his mind right now, and it won't take long for him to forget that I ever existed. I felt the tears start up again, but this time I didn't bother suppressing them. It's not like anybody could see, right?
Please, please, forgive me
but I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
I stumbled my way through the snow. It was waist-high out here, and every step was a struggle against the sheer volumes of cold flakes. I could feel my muscles straining with each movement; the sub-zero temperatures and the melting snow were causing them to stiffen.
"Be happy, Riku…" I whispered hoarsely, tears streaming down my face only to be frozen like perfect little ice drops on my face. That was when the coughing began.
Violent tremors shook my body and I collapsed into the freezing snow. Cold… So cold…
Struggling to my feet, I turned and looked back. The town looked so diminutive from here… I could hardly believe my eyes. It hadn't dawned upon me that I had gone very far… but here I was. Hopefully he wouldn't find me now…
I started coughing again and in an instant I was back on the ground, lost amidst the fallen snow. And with a whimper, I used my numb arms to push myself off the ground…
Even though I'm the sacrifice
you won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
…Except this time, I couldn't get up. No matter how hard I struggled, I simply couldn't lift my own weight. And it was then that I finally realized… I was going to die out here.
"N-no…" I simpered, rolling onto my back and staring at the bleak clouds above me. I could tell that it was night time by the darkness of the clouds. "Is this really the end?" My body was so numb…
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the sharp metal knife, and before long, blood was spurting out of my arms. The bloody bandage lay beside me, strangely contrasting with the snow, and I watched as it blew away. I had cut too deep… blood was everywhere. Yet I couldn't feel a thing. Nothing. This was really going to be my resting place.
And if I'll bleed, I'll bleed,
knowing you don't care.
Crimson snow. That was all I could see. Pure white tainted by my dirty blood. Everything that I came into contact with became tainted. Tainted by my blood. Tainted by my sins. Tainted by my past. At least with my death, nothing else could be ruined by my impure life.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there.
Isn't something missing,
Isn't something...?
I felt so weary… I simply could not hold my eyes open a moment longer. I let them fall shut with a whimper. "Goodbye… Riku…" I murmured before another fit of coughing took over. By the time it subsided, I was too far gone. I couldn't feel anything, anymore. The snow was slowly starting to pile around me and over me… soon, I would be completely covered.
Crunch. Crunch.
It sounded like something was getting closer, though I knew that was absurd. Nobody would be out in a storm like this. It was my mind playing tricks on me. That was all. Until… something, or I suppose someone, spoke…
Even though I'm the sacrifice
you won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
"Sora."
"Go away… you don't need me anymore. I'm going to die out here. Live for yourself." The words were choked out painfully. I didn't want to feel anything, not anymore. "Just let me disappear. I'm gonna die…"
"Then I'll die with you." Snow rustled beside me, and I felt arms drawing me closer to a warm body. "I can't imagine life without you, Sora. I won't let you die alone." I shifted so that I was facing him.
"Why are you doing this? Shouldn't you be with… him?"
"He's not the boy I thought he was. And it didn't take me long to realize that… And even if he was the boy I knew from so long ago… he could never replace you in my heart. Why, Sora? Why did you run away and do this to yourself?"
"Because… I got scared. Scared of being alone… scared of being rejected… scared of losing you. So I did what I always did. I ran away. Somewhere in my heart I figure that if I run away I can get away from it all, but… all of the things that I try to get away from only end up catching up with me that much sooner."
"Sora… we can't run away forever. We can't run away because it will always come back to get us. I learned that the hard way. Don't put yourself through the same thing. I finally realized, though it took me so long to do so, that I actually had something that I wanted to stay with. You."
"Well… not anymore. We're going to die out here, aren't we? This is it. This has to be the end."
"Don't talk like that."
"But it's true. We —"
"Then we'll die together. I don't care what happens. With you I could face the deepest pits of Hell."
"I didn't know you were such a poet," I commented. I felt as if I were floating… my whole body had gone numb.
"There are a lot of things that people don't know about me," he replied solemnly, an elegant smile gracing his lips.
"There's so much I want to know about you. Who you are… where you're from… I'd like to line the pieces up… together." My eyes fell shut, laden with ice crystals formed by my own tears. I felt loss in the abyss.
"I look forward to it, Sora… I-I love you." I felt lips pressed against mine in a desperate kiss, and I blacked out.
Are we… really going to die, Riku? Somebody… help…
Author's Notes:
And you all thought the last cliffie was bad...