So, first of all can I apologise about the ridiculous delay in posting this update. It turns out that both work and being ill really get in the way of writing, which is a shame because I would much rather have been writing than either of those two things. There are two more chapters and an epilogue to go after this and my primary focus now is to get this fic finished before the end of September, so to those of you who talk to me in PMs or on Twitter, please feel free to give me a motivating kick to help me on my way to fulfilling this target.
I would like to dedicate this chapter first and foremost to Brooke-Marie for being a little legend and for the brilliant conversations we have on email and on twitter.
Secondly I would like to dedicate it to everyone who reviewed my last few updates over the past months, but especially to Anny and Ficmouse because without the two of them I am pretty sure I would have lost my mind in recent weeks – having said that I am not sure that bonkers discussions about Casualty and fanfic in the middle of the night when we should all be asleep is not just as likely to send me crazy!
Anyway, here we go. I hope you like it (especially after such a long wait).
To look out for you
The definition of acknowledgement
Acknowledgement: noun; the acceptance of the truth or existence of something, recognition of the importance of something, the action of showing that one has noticed
Sam Nicholls
Sam stared at her somewhat dishevelled reflection through the blur of watery eyes and felt a slight sense of disappointment wash over her that she had allowed herself to crack so publically in front of her former colleagues once again. She had tried to blame her state on a mixture of exhaustion and alcohol but in truth she was sure it was just as apparent to those she was currently hiding out from in the toilets that the teary mess she had disintegrated into had been more to do with the imminence of the goodbyes she was having to make than tiredness.
She recalled that it had really hit home for her quite how much she was about to walk away from when her colleagues had reacted so positively to the sight of her dancing in Nick's arms, causing him to hold her even closer and remind her just how she safe she felt standing beside him. They appeared to have come to an understanding on his role in her life moving forwards but Sam knew that one of the reasons she had found it easier to walk away before was because she could focus her entire efforts on trying not to miss her husband. With her now identifying the number of people she was likely to have on her mind when she boarded her flight the following week she was struggling to keep a lid on quite how badly it was going to hurt to leave.
It was for that reason, and that she had needed to escape following hearing a rumour that Nick would soon be attempting to make a speech, that she had resorted to hiding out temporarily in the toilets. Sam considered that she had always been a fairly confident person but she had never been keen on being the complete centre of attention for anything, especially where public speaking was concerned. She was certain that the main reason her and Dylan had escaped their own wedding reception had been to get away from the focus being primarily on them and their relationship for longer than was necessary and whist she had identified that not having had the formalities of father of the bride and best man to make speeches had made that part of the celebrations irrelevant anyway, she knew it had always amused her that Dylan had made no secret of the fact that far from being disappointed by this he had instead been more than happy to spend the remainder of their special day in the honeymoon suite with his new wife rather than downstairs with the crowd enjoying the continuing party.
"Are you ok?" asked Scarlett and Sam glanced back up into the mirror to see the young nurse appearing from the cubicle behind her, running her hands through her hair as she did so. Sam nodded in response but found herself unable to speak momentarily as the enormity of the situation hit home once more. "It won't be the same without you, you know that right?" Scarlett continued shyly, as she stepped forward and ran the tap and focused on washing her hands rather than meeting Sam's gaze. "Everyone is really going to miss you. I'm going to miss you," she concluded with a subdued tone.
Sam gripped her hands tightly on the side of the sink as she listened and despaired when tears slid silently down her cheeks as she reacted involuntarily to the girl's words.
"I didn't mean to upset you," Scarlett responded quickly, moving to pass her a tissue and causing Sam to imbalance herself slightly by releasing her grip on the sink with just one hand. "I just meant that we're all really sorry to see you go, but that doesn't mean I don't think you're doing the right thing," she added hastily. "I don't think it really hit me you were actually leaving until just now when I saw you dancing with Mr Jordan," she concluded, forcing Sam's mind back to the moment she had heard the older man's voice crack as he whispered in her ear about her wonderful contribution to the department. She had to consider that given the circumstances he was more than a little biased but that had not stopped her feeling a sense of pride in his sentiments, especially when she reflected that with the exception of her commitment to the army she had not settled anywhere for long enough since medical school to have built up such a strong relationship with her colleagues, nor would she have chosen to do so anywhere other than Holby.
"Thank you," Sam responded finally, having gathered her thoughts. "I don't just mean for coming tonight, more for everything you've done over the last few weeks," she continued more forcefully. "I've always spent most of my time around men, in the army and everything, so I've never really had many girly friends," she added in explanation. "I'm not really one for talking about how I feel or relationships and stuff like that, but with you I can just tell you things. Things I can't tell someone like Tom for example," she furthered with a smile. "And there have been some days when seeing your friendly face has been one of the only things that has kept me going."
"I do enjoy our chats," Scarlett answered shyly. "I really admire you, all that you've achieved and how strong you are, especially with everything that has gone on. I wish I could be more like you," she added earnestly and Sam momentarily wondered how much the girl had been drinking that evening.
"I'd rather you stayed more like you," she replied hastily. "I don't think this department could cope with two of me and actually, I quite like you just the way you are," Sam concluded honestly.
"Does that mean you're definitely coming back?" Scarlett questioned brightly, obviously having taken an inference from Sam's own words that she now felt unable to confirm.
"We'll see," she uttered, but with a hopeful tone. Sam was certain that the only prevention in her return to Holby was now her ex-husband and therefore what vetoed her from coming back to a job and a department she loved following her deployment was one final honest conversation with him. The irony of the fact she was staying tipsy to give her the courage to actually confront him with the realities she had kept hidden for so long given that he was now, thankfully, tee-total was not lost on her but in that moment she could not see another option that would work.
"Are you ready?" Scarlett chipped in and Sam glanced up to see the girl staring at her, obviously ready for some time to have exited the bathroom but apparently having decided to wait for her instead. Sam looked at her reflection in the mirror, harshly scrubbing the tears from around her eyes with the tissue she still had clutched in her hand as she did so, before running her fingers back through the hair that no longer appeared to be tied as tightly as she had originally intended. She sighed at the state she had allowed herself to get into before nodding in Scarlett's direction and moving to follow her from the room, considering briefly that there was little point in attempting to uphold any pretence with those outside in the pub that she was dealing with the situation any better than in reality she essentially was.
The wall of music that hit them when the door opened was nearly deafening and Sam was sure that if the young nurse had not been beside her she would most likely have retreated back into the eerily quiet sanctuary of the toilets once more but almost as soon as she reacted to the noise, Scarlett took hold of her arm with a smile and guided her back towards the main bar area where they emerged to their astonishment to the sight of the majority of their colleagues rocking out to "Living on a Prayer" which was blaring from the speakers surrounding the area that had been commandeered as a makeshift dance floor.
Sam giggled impulsively at the image in front of her eyes as she watched Scarlett cross the room to join Lloyd who was sneering somewhat at the concept of his colleagues behaving in such a way before she dragged him reluctantly onto the floor. Sam reflected momentarily that back before she met Dylan nights like this were a regular occurrence for her in med school and whilst it was not her connection to him that had prevented them from continuing, as she was certain the blame for that lay with another man's actions alone, she knew that this would never have been his idea of a fun night out. It was a disparity between the two of them that had never sat comfortably with her that before knowing him she had once been happy with friends whereas before connecting with her she was aware that Dylan had never really spent time socialising, preferring his own company and that of his books rather than nights spent on the town. The difference between them in that respect had been lost for the most part given that her last close friend before moving to Holby had been Ash and the damage he had done to her ability to trust people instinctively had for a long time prevented her from socialising with anyone, army comrades to a certain extent aside. Yet that her only attempts at friendship at all before her arrival at her current hospital had all failed due to her own inability to keep her professional and personal life separate as her marriage fell apart just proved to her that she was little better than Dylan at this friends thing regardless of what she liked to think.
"You look miles away Princess," Jeff's voice came from beside her, pulling Sam from her thoughts as she felt her friend's arm drape over her shoulder and she instinctively turned her head towards him with a smile. "Penny for your thoughts?"
"I doubt they are worth that much," she answered with a giggle.
"You're gonna miss this aren't you?" Jeff stated knowingly and continued to speak despite Sam's best efforts to cut him off. "No listen to me, I know you keep saying it doesn't bother you but we both know that isn't true. There are a lot of people here who are going to miss you as well," he continued before squeezing her shoulders. "Me included."
"I know," Sam responded hoarsely, dropping her gaze from Jeff's face to the ground as she blinked back the water that had filled her eyes. "You do know that I have to do this though?" she asked, glancing back up at him with trepidation.
"Of course I do, I know you remember. From that very first day you wangled your way into my ambulance and nearly got yourself killed I was pretty certain you wouldn't be staying forever," the paramedic continued wistfully and Sam allowed her own mind to travel back to one of her oddest days of her time at Holby. "But," Jeff started with a change of tone to his voice. "You have to realise that things won't change just because you aren't here with him every day. I could get in that ambulance and go to work on the other side of the country, but it wouldn't change how I feel about things."
"Dixie wouldn't be happy if you stole her ambulance," Sam replied hastily, before considering her thoughts. "She wouldn't be happy if you left either, especially if you didn't say goodbye. She loves you, whatever that actually means," she continued slowly, knowing that the situation between the Colliers' was almost as far from her own as possible and yet somehow the sentiment felt similar to her. Sam found herself allowing Jeff to pull her into his arms and press a kiss to her forehead without protestation. "We're hopeless aren't we?" she spoke into his neck.
"Who is hopeless?" Dixie spoke from beside the pair, causing them to spring apart and make the briefest of eye contact in agreement that their conversation would not be disclosed.
"That lot," Jeff said without hesitation, gesturing as he did to their colleagues dancing across the floor. "No wonder this one here wants to get out of Holby if this is what it does to you," he exclaimed in disbelief. "Now do my two favourite ladies fancy a drink?"
"Ladies," Dixie scoffed in amusement, as did Sam at being described in such a formal way. "However, yes Jeffrey I think we could do with another round over here. Some of us are getting rather parched."
Jeff rolled his eyes in reaction to how he was spoken to by his wife before he wandered off towards the bar area. Sam glanced after him as he departed, still thinking about their earlier conversation.
"Action Sam," Dixie said gleefully from beside her, causing Sam to stare at her in puzzlement at the use of that term. "I have decided to re-christen you my little Action Sam, it just seems to fit. Wherever you are there always seems to be some sort of action going on and with you going back to the army, I can just picture you running around like Action Man," she elaborated with such sincerity that Sam had to bring herself not to laugh.
"Action Sam?" she said aloud, testing out the words for herself. "I quite like it," she added, feeling somehow that her nickname made her belong that little bit more. "I don't think I'll be mentioning it to anyone back at base though. I can imagine Action Sam would stick and I'm not sure I could handle that every day for the next nine months," she ended with a smile at the many and varied ways she knew her predominately male colleagues could torment her with that name for the duration of her tour. "Dix," she started, trying to summon up the words she wanted to say.
"Listen you," the female paramedic started, pulling Sam into a tight bear hug and holding her tightly. "You will be just fine, you know you will," she continued before releasing her but keeping Sam in her grasp. "And if you're not or you ever have a wobble, well Jeff and I will only ever be at the end of the phone ok?" she explained emotionally, brushing Sam's cheek with her fingers briefly. "We're not going anywhere."
"I know," Sam responded with a nod before reflecting on the situation the paramedics were in with their own marriage. "You are happy aren't you?" she asked, as unexpectedly to herself as Dixie. "You and Jeff I mean," she clarified.
"Happy?" she replied with a laugh. "Well as happy as anyone, don't you worry about us. We might not be the most, um, conventional of married couples but we're doing just fine," she justified quietly. "And," she continued more pointedly. "Some would say you and Dylan aren't the most conventional of couples either, but that doesn't mean you can't make it work."
"Thanks Dix," Sam responded. "I could do with you out in Helmand with me, keeping my spirits up."
"As much as that sounds like a great opportunity, I don't think my figure would suit the uniform," Dixie answered with a wry smile as Jeff reappeared and joined the pair of them. "Thank you Jeffrey," she added and Sam watched with interest as the paramedics seemed to speak an entire conversation without words in much the same way her and Dylan used to do.
"I'm going to speak to a few of the others," Sam interjected as Jeff passed her the glass filled with what she hoped was enough alcohol to keep her going without tears for just long enough to finish saying her goodbyes. She strode quickly across the dance floor, refusing to look back in case the sight of her friends made her start to cry earlier than she would have anticipated.
"Sam," Tom called over to her as she approached and she watched with bemusement as Zoe took both the distraction of her approach and the change in music to extricate herself from Dr Kent's arms and head past her in the direction of the bar, pausing momentarily to make eye contact with Sam, who found herself unable to resist expressing her delight at the sight of Tom and Zoe dancing so closely together by grinning idiotically at her older female colleague.
"Sam," Tom reiterated as she approached his side, slurring his words slightly as she assessed that he might be more than a little bit drunk. "Are you ready to dance yet?" he asked expectantly.
"I don't dance, I already told you that," Sam responded firmly, but moved to stand next to him and leant against his shoulder. "Thank you for helping pull this off, I would never have organised anything like this without you," she elaborated for his benefit.
"You danced with Nick," Tom answered indignantly, seemingly taking longer to process the words she was speaking through the haze of alcohol. "And I didn't do that much. Your husband on the other hand…."
"I know," Sam retorted, recognising that she would need to speak to the man concerned about that very fact before this night was over and wondering if she would get the opportunity to see him before he left for work the following morning. "Tom, in another life you and me would have been a good match you know."
"In another life where you weren't married to Dr Grumpy and I wasn't having a ball playing the field," he spluttered in response before putting down the glass he had been about to drink from and taking Sam's hand instead. "I do want you to know something though," he started intensely, swaying slightly as he spoke. "If you hadn't been married and you didn't have a whole load of other things going on in your head, then I wouldn't have wanted to stop that night, well cos you're a gorgeous girl you really are."
"I bet you say that to all the girls," Sam answered with a blush, her face reddening in spite of herself.
"Perhaps," Tom replied, nudging her side slightly in jest. "But most of the girls are not people I would stay in touch with, never mind being someone I would consider my closest friend," he explained with a sincerity Sam knew was commonplace when alcohol had been consumed, before he turned to face her slightly still not releasing his grasp on her hand. "I know I've probably had a bit to drink so I might be speaking out of turn, but you need to stop worrying quite so much about whether you are good enough for Mr Grumpy and remember that he should consider himself very lucky to have you as well," he concluded tipsily, studying her face intently. "Very, very lucky."
"Thank you," Sam started, initiating a hug with her much taller male colleague and burying her head in his chest. "You weren't speaking out of turn, I promise," she continued, realising as she spoke that her words must be muffled by his clothes. "Just promise me that one day you will settle down and find yourself a nice girl, someone who will make you happy."
"Tom, put that girl down and get yourself over to the bar. The barmaid is totally giving you the eye," the Scottish tones of Lenny said from behind Sam and she felt Tom release his grip on her.
"One day I promise," he whispered so close that only she would be able to hear. "When you get back you can help me draw up a shortlist of all the decent ones whose numbers I still have in my phone," he added with a grin, mocking the fake annoyance that covered Sam's face by dabbing her on the nose with his finger. "In the meantime, I've got a barmaid to talk to," he added slightly more loudly. "And don't think for a second that this is conversation over, if you think I'm letting you leave the country without me and you having one last chat you don't know me very well at all," he ended, pressing a brief kiss to her forehead before hurrying across the room towards the bar area once again.
"That boy is on heat," Linda stated as she glanced after him before she moved to take his place next to Sam, who stared at her with a perplexed expression. "And I know that you could say the same about me and Lenny," she continued, pulling him to stand beside her. "But there is a difference," she concluded with certainty.
"Yeah, I mean I'm pretty sure Tom usually makes it further than the toilets with his dates," Sam answered innocently, casting a sideways glance towards Lenny and Linda who appeared just the tiniest bit embarrassed at her knowledge of their behaviour a few days previously.
"How do you even know about that?" Lenny asked. "Zoe," he continued, answering his own question and Sam didn't have the heart to tell him that she had actually heard from Scarlett, as the entire department had been made aware of the events thanks to Linda's mouth being akin to a foghorn. Sam had to admit that whilst she could see that the couple were well suited and seemed able to make each other happy, she could not bring herself to understand Nurse Andrews' own gossip hungry behaviour either about her own or others personal circumstances. Sam reflected momentarily that she did not hold Linda responsible in any way for the issues that had unfolded in the past few weeks, but with the same sentiment she did consider that having the attention of an entire department drawn back constantly to her had not helped her resolve the situation either.
"How are you feeling about leaving?" Linda asked, stroking Sam's arm with her hand and drawing her back from her thoughts. "I do think you're incredibly brave you know, I don't know if I've told you that before but I know I couldn't do what you are about to do," she said, justifying her initial question. "You're definitely a lot tougher than you look."
"Thanks, I think," Sam answered, sure there was perhaps a slight insult buried in the complimentary words somewhere, but before she could reflect on that statement further the three of them were joined by Big Mac and Noel. "Are you boys still enjoying yourselves?" she asked keenly, grateful of a distraction from Linda beside her.
"Of course," Noel responded quickly, tipping his drink slightly and nearly spilling it over himself in his enthusiasm to join in the conversation. "Big Mac keeps telling me more stories about war though. I'm not sure how much of it is true but it sounds like you're going to be very busy out there," he added meaningfully. "You take care of yourself okay?" he ended, nodding slightly at her in a mark that Sam took as one of respect to her for what she was about to go and do in Afghanistan.
"Don't believe anything Big Mac says," Lenny replied with a laugh. "He is probably just trying to make his own role in the war sound more important than it was. Sam, were you even born when Big Mac served out there?" he added, causing everyone except the man himself to giggle.
"I take offence at that," Big Mac answered, but with a wry smile turning up the corner of his lips. "At both of those things actually. How old do you think I am?" he queried perturbed at such a thought. "Anyway, all I was actually saying was how I have a greater appreciation of what Sam will be going through out there, having been there myself like," he continued. "And I think she is very brave for signing up, it's a different sort of war these days and it takes a lot of guts to go back out there. Especially with all you see on the telly every day."
"Thanks," Sam stated with the sincerity and deference she knew was both necessary and required from one service person to another. "Actually, you know you could all do me a real favour if you're up for it?" she questioned slightly conspiratorially, pulling the group into her as she spoke. "We're allowed to get parcels out there, sort of care packages, you know?" she continued and sought nods from those standing around her. "If I get you my address out there, could you sort me something out. Send me over some supplies," she suggested. "Dylan," she started before pausing and taking a deep breath. "Dylan was always brilliant at sending me things, but his idea of a parcel usually involved some medical journals and a few other practical bits and pieces. I mean, if you guys could send me some decent toiletries, something mindless to read, little games and things like that. Plus sweets, you can never go wrong with sweets, even Dylan used to send me those," she rattled off like a shopping list.
"Consider it done," Lenny answered for the group, with the rest of them stepping back and silently acknowledging their agreement also. "And if you know of any other girls out there with you, you know who'd like a package through the post we'd be more than happy to oblige for them too," he continued with a smirk before Sam witnessed Linda elbowing him sharply. "I didn't mean for me," he clarified hurriedly. "I meant for these two, or even him," he stated, pointing over at Noel and Big Mac before nodding in the direction of Tom still deep in conversation with a barmaid, leaning across the bar towards her quite obviously now.
Sam leant back and allowed the others to continue to talk, barely listening to them planning the assortment of items she would receive in the first parcel. She momentarily considered that perhaps permitting them to do this had not been the best plan and she couldn't help but cringe at the thought of what Tom and Lenny, let alone Linda, would put in this box if they had the chance to, albeit with either the best or most humorous of intentions. As she drifted into thought, she spied Nick, Charlie and Tess in the corner of the room, the three of them having quickly regained their professional composure after their earlier forays onto the dance floor. In fact she considered that if it wasn't for Nick's top button now being undone, Charlie's too casual shirt and Tess holding her glass of wine tightly, she would not have considered that they were at a party at all. Sam knew that holding a management position was unlikely to ever appeal to her in the NHS, as outside of the army she was unsure how she would deal with the staff politics without wanting to bark orders and instructions at subordinates. However it fascinated her that these three, and Zoe to an extent, managed to hold the position of friend, confidante, colleague and manager all at once to the entire staff group and whilst she had always had the utmost respect for her commanding officers in the other world she resided in, she also knew the same applied for those who fulfilled that position in the civilian element of her life.
Sam silently excused herself from her current group and headed towards the senior staff, cursing inwardly as Nick departed before she reached them as she was well aware she needed to get on with saying her goodbyes soon enough if she stood any chance of getting home that night.
"Are you having a good time?" Charlie asked her kindly as she approached, and she gratefully smiled at the older man for starting the conversation.
"Yes, it's been fun," she replied truthfully. "But I'm going to have to get out of here in a little while, so I need to start saying my goodbyes," she started to explain.
"I don't think so," Tess interrupted before she could continue. "There haven't been any speeches yet," she elaborated and Sam was aware the look pasted across her own face might well be described as appalled at that particular prospect now becoming a reality, although she did have to accept that speeches would be usual at such a gathering even though she could count the number of such events she herself had been to on one hand.
"Speeches first and then I'm gone," Sam countered as her way of bargaining with what would soon be taking place. "So I should probably still start making my way around to say goodbye," she continued, stepping forward to awkwardly hug Tess, knowing that even just days ago having this much physical contact with so many people would have felt incredibly alien to her.
"We'll talk Nick out of making you give your own speech as well, if you'd rather," Tess spoke into her hair before they broke apart and Sam nodded furiously at that statement.
"This must be quite overwhelming," Charlie said quietly as he also drew her into a brief embrace. "Take care of yourself out there, you hear?" he ordered lightly, with a definite hint of emotion in his tone, reminding Sam that it wasn't just the most obvious of people who were going to miss her presence as much as she had protested to the contrary mere weeks ago.
"Ah, there you are," Nick said as he appeared beside her and slung his arm gently around her shoulders as he pulled her into his side whilst taking a gulp of the liquid in his glass. "I was just talking to Zoe and we remembered that there still hasn't been a speech," he continued, causing Tess to give Sam a knowing look. "There has to be a speech," Nick concluded somewhat sadly, before he downed the remainder of the alcoholic beverage in his hand, put down the glass and used his now free fingers to tip Sam's head up towards him. "We must give you a decent send off, I must," he trailed off, appearing choked by his own thoughts.
Sam took a deep breath and made every attempt to bite back her own tears, knowing full well that if Nick actually attempted a speech in his current state she was doomed to fall apart completely once more. She glanced around the room, picking out the people who meant so much to her each engaged in their own conversations and appearing at ease with their surroundings. She witnessed Dixie and Jeff dancing together, comfortable it seemed in each other's arms and further on from them Scarlett and Lloyd also swaying together, in perhaps Sam considered the most public display of togetherness she had seen them make. She realised that she was smiling inanely at the sight of them appearing so romantically entangled as Lloyd finally took the opportunity to lean forward and kiss Scarlett, before furtively looking around to see if he had been caught out. Sam recognised the need for privacy that the couple appeared to have, it was a similarity to her own past with Dylan in many respects even though the circumstances were far removed and yet as they moved slowly around and Sam caught Scarlett's eye the brightness in the young girl's eyes was enough to make Sam feel slightly soppy, in spite of her own feelings at that type of behaviour.
Across from where she was, she could see the group of Big Mac, Noel, Lenny and Linda still debating frantically and dramatically, but with Linda now having her head tiredly come to rest on Lenny's chest. Sam turned slightly and noticed that Tom was still at the bar, only by now talking once more to Zoe who seemed lost in thought and whilst Sam was not crazy enough to think the two of them were anything more than friends, she did hope they would be able to provide the other with some degree of support given how much they had all been through together in recent weeks. Behind her she could hear Tess and Charlie prompting Nick over things to say in his speech and whilst she did feel as if she might be about to explode with embarrassment, she felt proud that she had become a person that such a fuss was required over.
Nick moved to stand directly beside her and started to call the room to attention, with Sam witnessing how gradually everyone's attention came to lie on her and him alone, side by side. She shifted slightly and slipped her small hand into Nick's larger one, both to anchor herself in reality and to offer him some support as she looked out on the room with a smile. Sam had to concede to herself that this one moment meant far more to her than many other significant ones in her past, mainly because those still present were there because of her. There was only one person of importance missing, understandably so in her opinion and whilst in truth his absence did hurt, Sam acknowledged that saying goodbye to Dylan was far too important to be conducted in public, in fact it mattered so much now that she was unsure if she would actually be able to say the words at all.
Zoe Hanna
Zoe took a deep breath of the cool late evening air to steady her emotions before returning to take a long drag of her cigarette, recollecting as she did so that in recent weeks the amount she was smoking seemed inextricably linked to the situation Sam was in at that present moment and wondered if this would lessen or increase when the girl herself was posted to a warzone. Zoe considered that she had been fairly restrained that night, having only escaped to the relative safety of outside the pub on three occasions so far and given that the previous occurrences had been after she had ended up unexpectedly dancing wrapped around Tom and then after Nick's attempt at a speech she was certain she should congratulate herself.
She recalled that she would most likely regret dancing with Dr Kent come the following morning as she would have to face him when he was more sober and likely to be full of embarrassment but she was certain that he had not attempted to seek her agreement before he had dragged her off into the middle of the floor. Zoe knew she had spent the last hour wondering if she should be flattered by his continued attention, but had decided instead to accept it as nothing more than the drunken actions of a junior colleague and was slightly pleased that it would be him and not her that would have to apologise for slightly straying hands next time they crossed paths, even though she was perhaps equally as tipsy. She reflected that although she had not acted as a nun since her break up with Nick, her dalliance with Dylan an ill-fated example of that fact, it had been a while since she had just been able to have a laugh with someone and whilst Tom Kent was definitely a good looking guy, she had realised like never before when she was dancing with him that all she actually wanted was for the man who had been dancing mere feet away from her to be the one spinning her around in his arms.
Zoe took a long drag of her cigarette as she inwardly berated herself for her self-centred attitude. She was well aware that Nick was struggling to cope with losing Sam to the army, especially given the events of the last few weeks and instead of being supportive she had barely spoken to him since she had watched him take Sam in his embrace. It wasn't, she reflected, that she was jealous of his relationship with the girl, especially now she had established from him quite how paternal that connection was on his part. Strangely enough it had actually been being confronted with listening to Nick praise the girl as any proud father would that had caused her to flee back outside for this final time, both in fear of her colleagues witnessing the tears streaming down her cheeks and of having to comfort the man himself. Zoe looked skyward to stare at the glow of lights that lit up the ominous darkness around Holby and considered that Nick was already making a great father to Sam, which made it ever harder for her to contemplate re-establishing a relationship that she would never be able to fulfil completely on her part.
She allowed her mind to wonder momentarily back to that night not long ago when she had felt so certain that it was Dylan who she should be involved with, not her Clinical Lead and almost laughed aloud to herself at the very prospect. Despite their having spent a night, well a short part of one at least, in a very intimate encounter Zoe knew without question that whatever her intentions had been mere weeks before her and Dr Keogh had never been destined to have a relationship of that kind. It was quite clear to her now just how in love with his ex-wife he still was and whilst she would never want to begrudge the girl that, especially with all that she had been through, it had made her wonder whether there would ever be anyone else in her own life that would look at her in such a way.
The idea of reconnecting with Nick so intensely was as appealing as it was daunting she reflected, not least because of the nearly irreparable damage that had been done to their working relationship on each occasion they had butted heads over something personal. Yet despite this she felt the overwhelming desire to at least try to work through the unresolved issues that remained with him, if only to give her a conclusion to their past and allow her to move forward knowing that it was no longer an option. Realistically she considered that it would be unfair of her to ask Nick to forgo the option to have children, regardless of his views on their situation and she was aware that left with her very few options for her own future that didn't result in her ending up feeling alone and bitter about not having all that she wanted from her life.
Zoe shivered at the cold, the heavy air of a seemingly upcoming storm feeling like a pressure bearing down on her, and shook herself angrily, pulling her jacket tighter around her with her free hand as she did. She was aware that she was annoyed at herself both for her slightly tipsy emotional state that evening but also for allowing herself to descend towards self-pity. She did not feel that she had any right to wallow in her own misery and knew that whilst Sam had been falling apart recently Zoe had tried to do her best to keep both Dylan and Nick's heads above water so that they could offer the girl support. In truth she knew that she was strong enough to cope with her own failings and issues on her own but as pleased as she was that everyone had rallied around Sam so successfully in the past few days, she couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of resentment at how little notice anyone had taken of how she was coping with things.
"I thought you'd gone," Sam called out from the door to the pub causing Zoe to glance sideways as her trail of thought was broken and she guiltily offered a silent apology for her selfish thoughts. "I'm sorry I took so long, everyone just took their time in saying goodbye," Sam added hastily, as if she felt the need to justify herself.
"I'm getting a taxi with Nick," Zoe responded without hesitation before noticing the younger doctor's eyebrows raise at her words as she joined her a few metres away from the door itself.
"I thought Tom was more your type these days," Sam innocently countered, bringing a grin to Zoe's face instantly.
"I'm still your senior for now at least, I could reprimand you for that," she retorted good-humouredly. "Besides I think I will get payback tomorrow. He is going to be mortified at quite how flirty he was tonight I'm sure," she added in anticipation.
"I'm almost sad I'm going to miss that," Sam answered wistfully. "I can't imagine Linda or Lenny will give him an easy time of it either poor guy," she continued with more of a grin.
"Indeed! Anyway, what did you want me to wait for? You said there was something you needed to give me?" Zoe questioned, meeting Sam's gaze properly for the first time since the girl had exited the pub and recognising the conflicted look immediately as the other doctor fidgeted awkwardly.
"I need you to do me a favour," Sam started slowly, taking several deep breaths as she spoke before reaching into her handbag. "I need you to hold onto these for me," she continued and Zoe looked down to study the items that had been thrust in her direction. There was the briefest of moments where she felt as if time stood still before she reached her hand out to take the envelopes and her stare shot back up towards the young woman, with their eyes simultaneously flickering in mutual understanding. "Just in case, you know," Sam concluded, letting go of the documents after a pause.
"I'll give them back to you when you get home," Zoe answered dismissively, hoping she had disguised the choking emotion that had a hold of her at being asked to keep possession of such important letters and also the vivid image she had in her head of her having to actually hand these over to people if the necessity ever came. She counted five envelopes in her fingertips but managed to resist the temptation to look at who they were addressed to.
"I know it is a lot to ask and if it's too much then please say," Sam explained and Zoe noted she was now stubbornly refusing to meet her gaze, instead busying herself with chewing on her bottom lip. "It's just you are probably one of the only people I trust to do this."
"It's fine Sam, seriously," Zoe responded quietly, struggling to keep a grip on her own emotions but knowing full well that falling apart would not help the desolate young woman. "It's an honour," she concluded as she opened her own bag and carefully placed the documents inside, taking care not to crumple them as she put them safely away.
Zoe watched Sam fidget as she moved from one foot to another before the girl appeared to give up trying to keep still and quickly moved away from her towards a low wall which she seated herself upon, with Zoe following instinctively behind her after she had taken one final drag of her cigarette and stubbed it out with her high heeled shoes. She joined Sam so that they sat facing back towards the pub listening to the muffled music that still blared inside but in spite of this the silence between the two of them was deafening.
"Did you sort things out with Dylan at all?" Zoe questioned, knowing that she could be stepping onto dangerous ground given her and Sam's shared history where discussing Dr Keogh was concerned. She studied her former colleague momentarily as she seemed unable to formulate an answer before providing Zoe with a simple shake of a head as her response. "Don't you think you should try to talk to him?" she continued, wondering how far Sam would allow her to push her boundaries before she snapped.
"He still seems to think we can go back to the way things were before," Sam started, but with Zoe unsure whether she was trying to explain events or to get them straight in her own mind. "But I don't know if we can," she continued slowly. "What I went through, what we went through, it just took over our lives and even though Dylan gave up everything to be with me I started to hate what we had become," she added hoarsely as Zoe reached out to squeeze her hand whilst she spoke. "I know it hurt him to see me in so much pain and all I wanted was to be able to take care of myself so that he didn't have to. I didn't want to need him anymore but that doesn't mean that I didn't want him," she concluded in a rush. "That probably doesn't even make sense," she added with a wry smile. "Nothing seems to these days."
"You wanted him to want to be with you, not feel that he had to be because you needed him," Zoe elucidated, making an attempt to clarify Sam's words, successfully she assumed given the wide-eyed look the woman gave her in response. "That makes perfect sense to me," she continued, remembering back to how desperate Nick had been to avoid having her care for him when he was sick and wondering if similar thought processes would be present even if the situations were far from the same in any sense. "I can't say I understand because I've never been there, but that doesn't mean I can't comprehend what you are saying," she added before reflecting on her words. "There is however one thing that doesn't quite make sense to me though."
"Tracey," Sam responded knowingly, causing Zoe to briefly consider how easy it was to read someone else's mind. "The patient who was raped, I know what you're thinking."
"I gathered," Zoe retorted hastily before trying to formulate her thoughts into a coherent sentence. "I guess I see now that you recognised the hell she was in far more than I did and you really fought for her that day, I know you did," she elaborated. "But you pushed her and pushed her to open up to her husband and let him take the strain, yet when Dylan tries to do that for you it feels like you've pushed him away."
"He loves you, he'll hurt for you and my god he'll want to protect you but together you will get through it," Sam uttered so quietly Zoe could barely hear the words. "That's what I said to her that day, someone who mattered a lot said it to me not long after what Ash did and they just assumed Dylan and I were together," she continued in justification. "At the time it made no sense to me because I truly didn't think he thought of me like that but the longer we were together I started to realise it may well be true. I just didn't want Tracey to make the same mistakes I did in throwing away her relationship over someone else's actions," she explained, with Zoe recognising a hint of guilt in her tone.
"Did you ever think that it wasn't just about whether you needed Dylan and that maybe, just maybe he needed you too?" Zoe asked cautiously.
"He didn't need me before though did he?" Sam answered immediately and appearing to dismiss the statement without thought. Zoe looked at her colleague in confusion, unsure whether the alcohol they had consumed was clouding her own thought processes or Sam's.
"No, because he didn't know you before," Zoe said slowly, carefully pronouncing each word to ensure there was no misunderstanding. "And you didn't know him. What I meant was that you keep saying you needed him but perhaps he needed you too. Whatever you think about why, Dylan fell in love with you and maybe he wouldn't have known it at the time but when you left, things would have been different for him. He wouldn't have necessarily known he needed you too until you were gone."
"I don't know," Sam answered with a shrug. "All I know for certain is that I never wanted him to need me either. I just wanted him to love me," she continued and as Zoe studied her she realised quite how young Sam could appear when she was feeling vulnerable. "But I wanted him to love me, not the me who was left afterwards."
"If you don't want to talk about it that's fine but am I allowed to ask what happened to Ashley?" Zoe questioned with curiosity burning deep inside her. "Nick said the police didn't prosecute him."
"No they didn't," Sam answered quickly, throwing her head back to stare up at the now cloudy sky. "He is married now, has kids and everything," she continued without hesitation, before glancing back in Zoe's direction. "I looked him up on Facebook before you ask, I didn't meet up with him or anything, I'm not that stupid. I just needed to know what he was doing and where he was, and there was this picture of him with his wife and their little boys smiling and all I could think was if someone wrote a book about my life his actions and the impact of them would take up chapters and chapters, but I bet in his book I'd only warrant a few sentences. Just some silly little girl he used to know who cried rape and no one believed her," she ranted, her eyes obviously filling with tears. "I wouldn't matter to him at all."
Zoe considered that concept momentarily and briefly reflected on her own life and history. In her past she was sure there were people who would think she counted, to a point at least, but there were also far too many who would count her as no more than a foot note she was sure, those such as Sean she considered. She allowed herself to wonder how much space she would take up in Nick's book, given that he would definitely be counted as the defining character in the last few chapters of hers and tried not to permit her mind to think that given all he had been through that her role would be much more of a supporting character than a main event. As she dragged her thoughts back to the task in hand she deliberated before deciding that in Dylan's life story there would only ever be one other character that mattered, that of his soon to be departed wife, as Zoe was certain there had never been anyone else in his life he had cared about quite so emphatically. However what saddened her was that whilst Sam would probably choose similarly, she so far had seemed unable to break the inextricable number of links that existed between Dylan's role in her life and the awful events in her past and would therefore be unable to define the two separately if called to do so.
"That doesn't seem fair," Zoe responded indignantly without thinking as she relinquished her thoughts before realising her mistake. "I mean, you know that already, obviously, but it doesn't seem right that he can move on with his life and you haven't been able to."
"No, it doesn't," Sam answered bluntly. "But what would I rather? I can't make him never do this again; I can't even get him prosecuted for what he did. All I can do is hope that if he is living a decent enough life then, oh I don't know. It isn't exactly a comfort and it doesn't help me sleep any better at night but I can't fix things any other way."
"It isn't your responsibility to fix things Sam, you didn't do anything wrong," Zoe argued, determined not to see her newfound friend continually beat herself up for something that was beyond her control.
"I am not responsible for what Ash did to me, I know that even if the police and my dad never really believed me on that score," Sam countered causing Zoe to wince at the harsh nature of her words. "But even though I knew Dylan would stand by me and help me deal with everything I was so angry at him for needing to be there that I pushed him away and for that, I have to take full responsibility. No one else can."
"There is nothing wrong with wanting to be strong enough on your own but everyone needs someone, even you," Zoe sympathised, realising that as much as Sam and Dylan needed each other in a crisis, when her and Nick had both had difficult times they had pushed the other away quicker than anything. "I've never been where you are but I do know that trying to deal with things on your own never helps," she concluded insistently.
"I wasn't on my own," Sam snapped before studying Zoe's face intently and allowing her to see the fire in her eyes. "I cheated on Dylan, did he tell you that?" she questioned and Zoe nodded after a pause, knowing that lying over this would not help resolve the tense situation. "He made me happy and he reminded me what it felt like to just be Sam again, not Dylan's wife, not Ash's victim or anything else other than just Sam," she commented, as if remembering moments in time Zoe had not been present for.
"Did you love him?" Zoe asked, risking the wrath of her colleague once more.
"He was a distraction," Sam acknowledged. "He didn't know my past, he didn't care where I had come from and when he used to hold me in his arms he didn't see her," she said, pausing before she continued. "Her, Sam the rape victim, he saw me and you have no idea how much that meant," Sam blurted out. "The reason I came to Holby in the first place was because I finally felt strong enough to face Dylan in my own right, as Sam, and all I wanted to do was to come to a resolution with him so that we could both move on, together or apart. I needed to write the conclusion to Ash's part in my life somehow. I never wanted to hurt Dylan, I wouldn't."
"For the record Sam, I would definitely not describe you as a victim. Not of Ash or anyone else, the only person I have ever seen get the better of you is yourself and if you would just quit beating yourself up for a while you might realise that you are a lot tougher than you look," Zoe explained, finding herself once again squeezing her colleague's hand. "Do you remember what you said to me in your room the other night?" she questioned, her own mind recollecting the confusing scene her and Nick had walked in on and the evident tension between him and Dylan in the aftermath. "Give him a chance Sam, you owe yourself that much at least. If you don't tell him, how will he ever know?"
"I wish I had given you a chance," Sam countered quickly, appearing to relish the opportunity to change the topic of conversation. "The first time I saw you two together I was jealous of how he was with you, I'd never seen him like that with anyone but me and I knew from then you were my rival," she admitted guiltily. "I tried not to take it out on you but I shouldn't have given you so much attitude from the start, I know that now," she continued shamefaced. "You're one of the best doctors I've ever worked with, I've learnt so much from you but I would never have told you that a few weeks ago," she added. "If Dylan did have to move on with someone else, I would have chosen you for him but I am glad that he didn't, not because of me and him, although that is part of it but because I don't think Nick would have been able to bear it either."
"Sam," Zoe started with a warning tone in her voice as she signalled to her colleague that this was a topic she was not prepared to discuss.
"I'm not going to pry, believe me I don't think I want to know all the gory details of what went on between you and Nick," Sam responded quickly. "But you both keep telling me that I don't know what is going on inside Dylan's head and I need to talk to him, yet the two of you seem to avoid having any kind of serious conversation about your own relationship at all," she elaborated pointedly. "He loves you Zoe, even you must be able to see that. I don't know all the history and I don't know if you should be together or not, that is your business frankly, but I hate to see you both so lonely and wondering what the other wants when all you need to do is speak to each other."
"You know we would have been a formidable team if we had actually worked together earlier on rather than all that sniping," Zoe acknowledged as a statement of fact, triggering a smile from the other woman. "It's bloody typical with this place that the moment I find someone I can trust to talk to," she continued, nudging Sam to indicate she meant her. "They end up disappearing on me with almost no warning whatsoever," she concluded as they watched Nick Jordan exit the pub with a face full of concern until he spied them. "I think that means my taxi is on its way," Zoe muttered as she turned back to the girl sitting beside her. "Will I see you again before you go?" she asked reluctantly.
"I'm not sure," Sam answered honestly as the two of them jumped down from the wall. "Nick was rambling on about something to do with dinner earlier," she started before Zoe shut her down.
"Just one step at a time please," Zoe chastised her. "I said I will talk to him, nothing else right now. Don't be signing me up for dinner dates."
"Who said anything about dates?" Sam replied with a mock innocence once more before her face changed. "If I don't see you before I go," she began before Zoe pulled her into a hug.
"I don't think I can do words right now unless you want me to end up sobbing over Nick in the taxi," she started, feeling the girl bend into her arms as she did. "Just take care of yourself Sam," she whispered in her ear. "And I promise you I will look out for him for you," she added, releasing her grasp and facing the younger woman straight on. Zoe identified that it appeared Sam wanted to say something, as her mouth attempted to form words, but before the girl spoke Zoe was distracted by the sight of a welcome arrival over the young doctor's shoulder which caused her to smile. Sam turned her head, apparently noticing that Dr Hanna's focus was no longer upon her, and as Zoe witnessed her colleague stuff her hands in her pockets and shuffle her feet slightly, seemingly unable to decide how to handle her husband's arrival, she found herself recognising a vulnerability in Dylan's eyes that she had not before seen with the exception of when he broke down in her arms at the boat mere days before.
She watched the two parties fail to interact apart from the smallest of glances in each other's direction until Dylan appeared to drop his grasp on the dog lead in his hand, permitting his canine companion to come barrelling towards them and nearly send them both sideways. Zoe stepped back to allow Sam room to squat down and bury her head in the dog's fur, seemingly more at ease with the mutt to fuss over rather than dealing with the wider situation. In that moment Zoe pondered whether Dylan's purchase of a dog was in fact for that very reason alone, finding it yet another similarity between him and his estranged wife. She watched as Sam stood up, glanced back at her, and perhaps Nick behind her, with a nervous smile before she strode purposefully towards her where her husband stood.
Zoe felt the light pressure of Nick's hand on her back as he silently joined her and together they watched with interest as wordlessly the married couple appeared to resolve that Dylan was indeed walking Sam home and they departed side by side, so closely together that Zoe could not see air between them and with their dog running around at their feet apparently pleased by the presence of them both in the same place once more. Zoe momentarily reflected on her own thoughts earlier and realised that whilst her and Dr Nicholls were very different characters, she did see a little of herself in Sam in that they shared the same determination and desperation to succeed on their own terms. However in dealing with Sam's problems in recent weeks it had become apparent to Zoe that as much as she liked to insist she was happy enough on her own, everyone needed someone and as she heard the sound of a taxi pulling up behind her she acknowledged that for Sam that person was certainly Dylan, and for her there was no possibility that it was anyone other than the man who was now leading her into the cab.
There you go, one more chapter down and only two more to go. Please let me know what you think by hitting that review button and if we cross paths in the next ten days remind me of my pledge to finish this by the end of September. All motivation much appreciated.
Also, have you guessed how it will end yet?
Callie x