Tonks had a problem. It was three o' clock in the afternoon. Already she had a fly on a broom at the quidditch pitch. She morphed herself into a student and had had lunch with Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. She even took a nap. She hated to admit it, but she had a problem.
Tonks was bored.
It was still only her first day at Hogwarts, and she was bored. So much for the best assignment ever! Out of desperation, she went to the library to find something to read. Briefly, she let her hands stroke her stomach. She wondered if there was any chance she might be pregnant. Only time would tell, she told herself.
Browsing the shelves, a book called "The Physiology of Odd Witches and Wizards." The title amused her. She certainly considered herself odd. She picked it up and took it to a nearby table.
Glancing at the table of contents, she saw that there was an entire section devoted to metamorphs. Eagerly, she flipped to the correct page. The basics were covered, what they do, that they're mostly women, blah, blah, blah. Then came a section on special medical issues for metamorphs.
Tonks read as fast as she could. She eyes stopped over the word pregnancy.
It is difficult for a Metamorph to become pregnant, given her body is in a constant state of flux. She can only conceive when she is in her true form. Once conception has taken place, she is unable to use her powers until the pregnancy is over.
Tonks felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. She picked up a section of her long maroon hair. Well, that ended that debate. She wasn't pregnant. She stared at that passage for a good five minutes. A feeling of sadness washed over her. Somewhere, in her mind, she had convinced herself that she would be having a baby. And to learn that not only was it not going to happen, that it would be difficult when the time came, made Tonks almost want to cry.
She wanted to have Severus' child. She remembered how Severus had told her that he desperately wanted a family of his own. It was before they became lovers, so Tonks had hoped he would find that for himself. Now all she wanted, more than anything in the world was to start that family with him.
"Find some good out of the bad," Tonks whispered to herself. She could stop using birth control. All she needed to do was change her hair or her eyes, and she didn't need to worry about the potion anymore. She was sure Severus would be relieved that he wouldn't have to brew the potion again.
She reread the passage. She needed her powers as long as the war was going on. Becoming pregnant at this stage was out of the question.
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Tonks finally stopped reading when she heard the final bell, letting the students out of class. Quickly, Tonks put the book back on the shelf where she found it. She went down to the dungeons, hoping to surprise Severus.
He was walking out of the classroom, holding a bundle of parchment in his hands. "Hi!" she called out to him. He nodded. "Do you want some help?" she asked eagerly.
"I'm fine, Dora," he said softly. "As you can see, I have some work to do tonight."
"Ah, the dreaded summer assignments. I hated those," Tonks joked.
"Severus!" a voice called out.
Tonks and Severus both turned to look at the voice. A tall woman came walking down the stairs. Severus seemed to sigh when he saw her. "Hello Eve," he said.
The woman, who was rather pretty with curly brown hair and blue eyes, looked at Tonks curiously. "Hello," she said to Tonks.
"Tonks," Severus started. "This is Professor Eve Binns-Morgan, our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. She's the first teacher to last in the position for a second year in a long time."
"Good for you!" Tonks said brightly, holding out her hand.
Eve shook it, still looking at both Tonks and Severus.
"Eve, this is Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be called Tonks," he told the other professor.
"How do you do?" Eve asked politely. "Why are you here at Hogwarts?"
"She's an Auror. Her patrols are here," Severus answered for her.
"Really? I briefly considered becoming an Auror once," Eve said, staring at Severus.
Something clicked in Tonks' head then. "Were you in Ravenclaw?" Tonks asked.
"Yes, I was. Why?" Eve said.
"I think you were a seventh year my first year here. I was in Ravenclaw too," Tonks said brightly, always happy to see a fellow Ravenclaw.
"Really? That's interesting," Eve said. "Now, Severus. I was wondering if you'd like to grade papers together tonight?"
"Thanks for the invitation Eve, but I have other plans," Severus said gravely.
"Are you sure?" she asked, flinging some of her curly hair over her shoulder. "I'd like the company."
Tonks quickly turned a giggle into a cough. Eve was flirting with him! It was obvious that this woman fancied Severus a bit, and Tonks decided to make him sweat.
"Well, I better get back to patrolling," Tonks announced. "I'll catch you later, Professor Snape. It was nice seeing you again."
Tonks walked past the pair briskly. When she got to the stairs, she turned around and threw Severus a kiss.
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Tonks sat on the couch in Severus' bedchamber, waiting for him to come back from dinner.
The door opened, and Severus entered with the parchment he had been holding. "Thanks a lot, Dora," he said.
"What?" Tonks asked innocently. "Is something wrong?"
Severus threw the parchment on his desk. "That woman is infuriating!"
Tonks was having a hard time keeping her laughter in. "I thought she seemed rather nice."
"Nice? She seemed nice?" Severus looked at her surprised.
Tonks couldn't hold her laughter anymore. "She fancies you!" Tonks giggled.
"After you left, I had to talk to her for a good fifteen minutes more. She's always asking me to grade papers with her. The woman wouldn't bloody shut up!" Severus said, sitting next to Tonks on the couch.
Tonks pushed some hair off of his face. She noticed that he was letting it grow longer. Soon it would be able to be pulled back into a ponytail like Bill Weasley wore. "I can understand why she fancies you," Tonks whispered.
"I don't get it," Severus said softly.
Tonks titled her head. "What don't you get?" she asked.
"Why any woman in their right mind would want to be with me," he blurted out.
Tonks froze. Last year, their relationship almost ended when Professor Dumbledore told him that Tonks could never really love him. She had desperately hoped that she had helped him with some of his self-doubts. She hated that he would feel this way about himself.
She took his face in his hands. Severus looked at her as if he knew he said something wrong. "Dora," he whispered. "Sometimes…sometimes I just don't understand why you're with me."
She could feel tears stinging her eyes. "Severus," she said softly. "What don't you understand? I love you. What else do you need?"
Severus took one of her hands and kissed it. "I've got to stop this," he muttered.
Tonks started to open her mouth to speak, but he put a finger to her lips. "Let me speak," he said gently. "I've never been good with women, Dora. I had no girlfriends when I went to Hogwarts. No girl would have me. I tried asking out a few, but I was laughed at. I joined the Death Eaters right after I graduated from Hogwarts. I could suddenly have any woman I desired, as long as she had the Dark Mark. The women Death Eaters would practically throw themselves at any wizard who they thought could give them power. Then there was muggle torture."
She closed her eyes, trying to prepare herself for what she was about to hear. "We killed, Dora. But sometimes, before the kill, some would rape," Severus said, his voice barely above a whisper. He leaned forward, placing his head in his hands. "My job was mainly to hold the women as they struggled. But once, I did join in. I still remember her face. She was maybe twenty years old, probably my age at the time. I did it because the other Death Eaters were goading me on, telling me I wasn't a real man. I didn't enjoy a moment of it. I made the mistake of looking into her eyes when I was inside her. Her eyes begged me to stop, to let her have her dignity. I stood up then, and before I could say anything, she was killed."
Tonks lifted her knees to her chest, and wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed to hear this.
"After I changed sides, I would still go on missions of muggle torture, but I didn't participate. I refused to hold down the women anymore. I would stand watch, and make excuses why I didn't join in. But I still stood by and let the men do whatever they wanted.
"When the Dark Lord was defeated, I joined the Hogwarts teaching staff after my name was cleared. A few years later, I would go into Hogsmeade, or to Diagon Alley to try to meet someone, to find companionship. It was my teenage years all over again. I would be rejected or even laughed at.
"Then the second war starts. I hadn't been with a woman since my Death Eater days. And out of nowhere, comes this beautiful, young, amazing creature who tells me she loves me. Me! She could have anyone in the world, and she chooses me. I'm not trying to make excuses Dora, but can you understand, just a little bit, why I feel this way? You're like this beautiful dream. And I just keep waiting for someone to wake me up," Severus said, finally lifting his head to look at her.
Tonks grabbed Severus' hand and placed it on her cheek. She didn't bother to wipe her tears; she knew more would come. "I'm not a dream, Severus. I'm here, right now, with you. I don't want to be anywhere else," she said softly.
"I know, Dora. I know," Severus sighed.
"What can I do?" Tonks asked. "What do I need to do to convince that I love you? That you're the only man in the world that I want to be with?"
Severus looked at her. He kissed her hand roughly. "Just be with me, Dora," he said, sounding stronger. "I know you love me, but sometimes I just can't keep myself from doubting."
"It will be easier after the war is over," Tonks said tenderly. "We won't have to be a secret anymore. I can show the world that I love you."
"Are you…" Severus trailed off, and then turned away from her. He took a breath. "Are you disappointed in me?"
"Severus, from the stories I heard from Malfoy last year, I'm amazed that it was only once. He made it sound like you both did that all the time," Tonks said quietly.
"You believe me, don't you?" Severus sounded alarmed.
"Of course I do," Tonks replied firmly. "I would never take his word over yours. Never."
Severus nodded. Tonks felt like her heart was breaking; she hated seeing him in so much pain. Tonks nestled herself in his arms, and they sat in silence for the rest of the evening.