Disclaimer: I don't own any of HxH; I just enjoy putting the characters in bizarre situations like this one.

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HUNTER HOUSE HELPS

Chapter 4: No Tricks

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Lunch time…

Gon stole a quick look at Killua's mother before getting himself a second helping of potatoes. He had been at the Zoaldyeck mansion for some days now and though nobody seemed to resent his presence, Kikyuo still glared at him with her one eye from time to time. He was reaching for the salt which was a little farther down the table when it was suddenly handed to him.

"Here."

"Ah, ari-… arigatou," Gon murmured uneasily as he took the salt shaker from Karuto's hand. Karuto just smiled at him enigmatically and continued to contemplate him. Gon gulped.

"Wo-ho! Dessert!" Killua cried out enthusiastically as the maid brought in the dessert tray. "Chocolate cream tarts! My favorite! Hey, Gon! Are you finished?"

"I still have these potatoes…"

"Never mind that. Here, have some tarts." Killua put some on Gon's plate. "Mmmmm! Mmmmm! This looks so good!"

"I'm surprised you find it so," Illumi said with something like amused mischief in his eyes. "As for me, I'll pass."

"Well, you've never liked sweets," Killua retorted although he was a little surprised that his stoic-faced brother actually seemed to be laughing about something. "Gah! This looks really delicious!" He was now piling his plate with the tarts.

Illumi nodded approvingly then said, "Why don't we congratulate the one who made it. He's new on the staff." He nodded to one of the servants who bowed and went out.

Illumi didn't know what the world was coming to with the strangest people seeking employment at their home including him. He had been suspicious as to why that person was here but at least, he didn't have any nen to use for his tricks. He supposed it was mean to let Killua eat those tarts but anyway, if it was poisoned, Killua would know what to do. As for his friend… Illumi smiled as he saw Gon nibble on the pastry.

"You called for me?" A familiar sing-song voice said.

Killua and Gon nearly choked, the others just looked matter-of-fact. "Hi-…Hi-…," Killua choked out then tried again, "His-…Hisoka, what the heck are you…" his voice trailed off as he saw Hisoka's chef's outfit, then he looked at the tart in his hand, then back again at the clown. Slowly, realization dawned on him.

"Oh! Did you like my tarts?" Hisoka said happily as he espied these items on their plate.

"Whaaaaat!" Killua cried, turning green as he realized he had just bitten on one, then he glanced at Gon. "Gon! What are you doing!"

Gon continued to munch on the tarts in a thoughtful manner, "Hmm, I didn't know you can cook Hisoka. But these are really delicious."

"Have you taken leave of your senses! Spit it out! Spit it out!" Killua frantically said as he pounded Gon on the back. "How can you even… Hey, it's really delicious." He said as the taste of the pastry in his mouth started to register on his brain.

"There are strawberry cream tarts," Kikyuo observed in a guarded voice. "Where did you get the strawberries?"

"Why, in the chiller room of course, ma'am. There are a lot of them," Hisoka said innocently. "I was also surprised to see, erm, two of the servants there."

The others at the table looked questioningly at Hisoka except for Karuto, and Kikyuo who was wringing a table napkin in her hands. "Oh, those poor dears, Feitan and Shizuku," she said in an affected voice. "What a shock it must have been for you to see them. Don't worry," she said to her family, "We'll arrange the funeral."

"Mother, what are you talking about?" Illumi asked.

"Those two have been frozen to death after I locked them-… er, I mean, I assume they were locked in the chiller room… for days!" Kikyuo said this in a sad tone but the others could see that she looked more thrilled than anything else. Killua looked at his mother suspiciously.

"Begging your pardon ma'am," Hisoka said in his most urbane manner, "But they were perfectly fine when I saw them."

"And how did you know they were there anyway?" Killua demanded.

"Well, I just-… I assumed… Good heavens! The time!" Kikyuo stood up abruptly, "I have a Killer-Kings-and-Women-Who-Love-Them meeting to attend to!" With that, she hastily departed the dining room.

Three pairs of eyes followed her retreating form, very puzzled. Hisoka was looking at the youngest Zoaldyeck. Karuto was smiling like the cat that swallowed the cream, or rather the cream tart. "Ahh," Hisoka murmured amusedly.

XXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, at a large shopping mall…

Kuroro sighed as he and his pink-haired companion entered another, yet another, clothes boutique. This was really demeaning for the once leader of the feared Genei Ryodan, he thought wryly as Neon dragged him inside. He supposed it was his fault that he decided to gain an upper-hand on Kurapika by making sure Neon transferred her interest on him. So here he was, always by her side, shopping.

"The strange thing is," Kuroro thought as Neon pushed him with her shopping bags down on a plush, leather couch and went to the changing room, "Kurapika doesn't seem to be jealous at all. And," he added silently fuming, "She doesn't notice me beyond a sounding board!"

He was tired, irritated and hungry. For the first time, he had bitten Phinx's head off this morning when Phinx complained that he was stuck partnering a female gorilla, and he had nastily told Machi to stop with the nun act already and go out with Hisoka when she called to complain about Hisoka asking her out again. Actually, Machi really called because she was worried about Shizuku and Feitan who disappeared for a few days and re-appeared, well… Kuroro shuddered and put a hand to his forehead, "I can't bear to think about it."

Phinx had muttered that Kuroro got the best part of the job. Kuroro wasn't sure about that. Oh sure, he was partnered with pretty boy Kurapika but who was always watching his every move to see if he was up to some trick. "Silly boy," Kuroro thought blackly, "How can I without my nen?" Then there's the ditzy Nostrad daughter who…

"So what do you think?"

Kuroro glanced up, his musings forgotten as Neon gaily twirled around for his benefit. She had tried on a frilly, white dress. "Excuse me, but are you going to your first communion?" Kuroro regretted the words as soon as they came out but he couldn't help himself. He was really irritated and had forgotten about his plan to be charming always. Kurapika had left them alone to shop; it could mean that he didn't see Kuroro as a threat anymore and Neon…

"Well, how about this?" Neon demanded as she came out again of the dressing room. For all her faults, she was a speedy dresser. She was now wearing a light pink wrap-around dress.

Kuroro grew more irritated. "I suppose it's OK. Are we going to the beach or something?"

"What's with you today?" Neon asked confused as she went back to change.

Kuroro calmed himself. He had never lost his cool before! "Be charming, be charming…" he told himself over and over again. It actually didn't help matters that she did look pretty in anything she tried on. He knew Neon brought him because she needed his advice on what to wear for Kurapika. He wasn't irritated about that. No, no, of course not! Why would he be anyway!

"So?" Neon asked again expectantly as she came out wearing a pale violet coordinate.

"Be charming, be charming," Kuroro reminded himself. He looked at Neon, opened his mouth, then merely nodded. Ok, that went according to plan.

"Are you sure? I mean it doesn't look too dressy or anything?" Neon asked as she preened before a mirror.

Kuroro could now speak again. "Trust me, I know about these matters." To illustrate his point, he casually flicked an imaginary speck on his obviously dressy fur-lined coat. To himself, he said, "No one could question my tastes after all."

"Really? I just want to make sure you know," Neon bit her lip. "I mean guys usually have different views on clothes and Kurapika might…" her voice trailed off.

Kuroro stared at her and thought wildly. "Great, now it's my masculinity in question? Over Kurapika? You've got to be kidding!"

Neon hastily assured him. "I- I mean… that is-…you and Kurapika are different… you like fur while most guys don't… but- but that doesn't mean you're gay or anything… not… not that I mind if you are… you also cried once so I thought… Ooh! I'll just pay for this and let's shop some more!" Neon abruptly ended her tangled speech, blushing all the while.

"She frigging thinks I'm gay!" Kuroro had never been more shocked in his life and his coolness was all forgotten. "That does it! Change tactics! No more Mr. Nice, Charming Guy!" He looked down regretfully at his coat but resolutely pulled it off… to the delight of the other female shoppers.

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CLANG! TWANG!

Illumi looked up from what he was doing and mildly addressed Hisoka, who was at the kitchen sink, "Those are copper pots you know."

"Huh? Copper you say? Yeah. Sorry." CRASH! Hisoka continued with his noisy dishwashing.

Illumi raised one eyebrow then shook his head. He'll deal with Hisoka later. In the meantime… "So you see, it's not really hard at all."

"Uh-huh. I see what you mean," Machi nodded as she watched Illumi maneuver the floor polisher.

They were on the other side of the dirty kitchen where Illumi had purposefully spilled some colored liquid so he could show Machi how to use the polisher. It was a continuation of Illumi's lessons about household appliances. They still weren't that totally at ease with each other but the lessons went well.

That is, until now.

Machi now took the handle but was still a little awkward. "Here, you put your hand this way." Illumi closed one hand over her own to guide her.

WHOOSH! Illumi calmly sidestepped. CRASH! He and Machi looked at the wall and then at the broken pieces of the expensive porcelain plate on the floor.

"Hisoka, did you just throw that plate at me?" Illumi asked in a pleasantly dangerous voice.

"Why, Illumi, my bestest friend. Why would I do that?" Hisoka replied in an innocently dangerous voice.

"You tell me," Illumi invited in a calm but dangerous voice.

"It just slipped my hand," Hisoka explained in an artlessly dangerous voice.

"Oh please!" Machi thought as she rolled her eyes, "Stop with those dangerous voices already!" She turned to Illumi and said, "Arigatou! I think we can stop the lesson for now. I know you're busy and I still have some errands."

Illumi looked at her and from the corner of his eye, he saw Hisoka vigorously drying the dishes, an uncharacteristic scowl on his face. "Could it be…," Illumi thought and smiled inwardly. "I don't believe it. He's never been jealous or even possessive about anybody. Well, that is, once with Gon but then…"

Machi was now unplugging the floor polisher and arranging it for storage. Illumi watched her thoughtfully. Hisoka was also watching her, looking much annoyed.

Illumi pondered on it. "She's pretty and she's female." It was no wonder his lecherous friend was interested, but that didn't mean to say… He looked surreptitiously at Hisoka from under hooded lids. "She's also calm, collected and oh so cold. Trust Hisoka to chase after the unattainable." He slowly grinned wickedly and obeyed the mischievous imp in his brain.

Machi was greatly surprised although she didn't show it when Illumi suddenly lifted her chin with a gentle hand. Illumi stared straight into her eyes, "Why don't we continue this tonight? You know, the usual." And for good measure, he caressingly flicked a lock of hair from her forehead.

CRASH! BANG! went the pots and pans.

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A/N: Gosh, it's really hard to not update a story for so long. I still remember the plot but I'm not sure if the tone is still the same. Hehehe, well for the next chapter, Kuroro sheds off his coat and mild-mannered personality; and find out exactly what happened to Feitan and Shizuku in the chiller room.

Bdw, haven't visited FFN for some time but was so happy to see new HxH stories! Yey! Let's keep the community growing. So Togashi-sama, please get well soon!