Chapter Twenty-Nine – Trust and Weakness

Tonks woke up with a headache. She and Severus practiced Occlumency for two hours last night, leaving then both exhausted. But she heard Minerva's voice in the fire, and knew another morning of impersonating Professor Dumbledore was in store for her.

"I'll be in the Great Hall in twenty minutes, Professor McGonagall!" Tonks yelled from the bed, glad that there was a short wall that blocked the view from the fire place.

Severus, she noticed was already up and in the bathroom. Tonks stretched her arms over her head, not quite ready to leave the warmth of the bed.

A few minutes later, Severus was gently shaking her shoulders. "You need to get up, Dora," Severus said, running his hand through her hair.

"I know," Tonks said sleepily. Finally she forced herself get up out of bed. A shiver went down her back as her bare feet touched the cold tile floor. "Should I wear the blue or purple robe today?"

Severus was back in the bathroom, and Tonks took a moment to watch him shave with a single edge razor. When he was done, he answered, "You wore the purple last time."

"Good point," Tonks said as she yawned. Quickly, she put the robe on and scrunched her nose. Being so tired didn't help an extreme morph. She concentrated as hard as she could and felt her body elongate. Two minutes later, the morph was complete.

To complete the transition, Tonks picked up a pair of half moon spectacles and two rings. Placing a wizard's cap on her head, there was only one thing left to do. Tonks took a sip of the potion and shuddered.

"Couldn't you have made a better tasting potion?" Tonks asked Severus, sounding like Professor Dumbledore.

"I tried adding sugar," Severus said. "It made the tone of the voice too high."

Tonks just shook her head. She left before Severus did, grateful that no one was in the hallway. That was the last thing she needed.

Luckily, breakfast was over quickly. Tonks then went to the Ministry to do some paperwork. There she found out that Fudge was contemplating to take every single Ministry worker off of their regular job to look for Death Eaters.

"Fudge is raving," Tonks said quietly to Calvin Wong and Gordon Petty. "Can you imagine little ol' Matilda Flavilla from Magical Equipment Control looking for Death Eaters? She's one hundred and twenty years old."

"How would the Ministry keep running if everyone is pretending they're an Auror?" Gordan asked.

"We did that during the first war," Calvin said. "It was hysteria. I'm not looking forward to that again."

Tonks left the Ministry in a foul mood. She quickly headed over to Headquarters, and talked to Arthur Weasley. He had heard the same rumor, that all employees would be required to search for Death Eaters.

They both agreed that the plan was not a good idea. Molly showed up, and Tonks ate a quick dinner with the Weasleys. Remus showed up halfway through, and joined them. Feeling much more cheery, Tonks apparated to Hogsmeade and took the walk back to Hogwarts.

Severus was in the room, hunched over a roll of parchment. Tonks gave him a quick kiss and changed out of Juliette's clothes, into her own.

"How are you feeling?" Severus asked, looking up.

"Headache's gone, so that's a plus," Tonks said lightly.

"Up to practicing again?" Severus asked.

Tonks had just sat down. She leaned her head back. "Oh why not?" she asked, standing up.

Severus stood up as well and faced her. "Legilimens!"

Tonks was eighteen. She was still living with her parents, anxiously waiting for her Auror tests results. Her mother brought in the results. Tonks ripped them open, only to find out that she was rejected…Tonks was sitting in the Great Hall, eating lunch and a friend wouldn't stop staring. Only later did Tonks find out her hair had changed color for the first time…Harry Potter was sitting next to Tonks in her room. Suddenly, he kissed her gently, and laid his body on top of hers, his hands stroking her stomach…

"What was that memory?" Severus snapped.

It took Tonks a moment to wake from the spell. The memories had flashed in front of her face quickly, they all blended together.

"Which memory?" Tonks asked wearily. She looked up and met Severus' gaze. A sinking feeling entered her stomach when she saw how angry he looked.

"The memory in which you are Potter were kissing," Severus said, sounding far too calm.

Tonks closed her eyes and sighed. She had completely forgotten about that night over the summer.

"What do you want to know?" Tonks asked, crossing her legs. She patted the seat next to her, inviting Severus to sit down.

He crossed his arms and stared at her. Tonks found herself not able to meet his eyes. "When did you kiss Potter?"

"Harry kissed me, Severus," Tonks said softly.

"When was it?"

"During the summer," Tonks answered, looking up.

Severus' eyebrows shot up. "This past summer?"

Tonks nodded. "We were talking, and then out of the blue, Harry kissed me. I pushed him away, and then he asked me out. I told him no, and that was the end of it," Tonks said.

Severus turned his back to her, and she watched him take a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think of it, Severus," Tonks said quickly. She tried to remember as much as she could from that night. "It was the night you finished the potion."

"You made love to me after you kissed Potter?"

Tonks jumped up. "I did not kiss him!" Tonks cried. "He kissed me. I did not kiss him back."

Severus turned and looked at her and the pain on his face was unbearable. "You should have told me," Severus said softly.

Now Tonks was getting upset. "Nothing happened, Severus! I'm not required to tell you every little detail of my life!"

"How would you feel if I kissed someone else and didn't tell you?" Severus shot back.

Tonks ran her fingers through her hair. Trying to remain calm, she said, "Severus, I trust you. And I hope that you trust me. Please stop making this into a big deal."

"I don't know what you think is a big deal, Dora. But I find this to be a very big deal," Severus said, his face contorted in anger.

His voice was loud, and Tonks quickly took her wand and cast a silencing charm on the room.

"I'm not talking about this anymore, Severus. Not until you calm down," Tonks said, standing up. She knew that if she stayed in the room, she might say something she would regret.

"Last year it was Malfoy. Now it's Potter. Who else is there, Dora?" Severus asked.

Tonks froze. Severus obviously took her silence as guilt because he added, "You never pushed Malfoy away, and I certainly didn't see you pushing Potter off in that memory.

"How dare you," she said softly. "There is absolutely no comparison, Severus. I gave myself to Malfoy for the sake of the Order and you know it."

"Dora…" Severus started, but Tonks stopped him.

"I know that you've had issues in the past Severus. But I will not stand here and listen to you call me a whore," Tonks said, furious with herself for the tears she felt forming.

"I didn't say that, Dora," Severus said quickly.

"Then what did you mean by it?" Tonks shouted. "I couldn't push Malfoy away. Once I fell in love with you, every time I was with him, I thought of you. Every bloody time!"

Severus reached out for her but Tonks pushed him away. "Don't touch me," she ordered.

"Dora, I didn't mean-" Severus started, but then Tonks cut him off.

"Did seeing that memory make me lose your trust?" Tonks demanded. "Well?"

"Just seeing him on top of you like that…"

"Answer the question, Severus," Tonks said fiercely. She was absolutely furious with him.

"I don't know yet," Severus said evenly.

"Either you trust me or you don't, Severus," Tonks said. "I'm not a paper that you can grade!"

Severus looked down at the floor. "Dora, you know I have trust issues when it comes to women. We've spoken at length about that."

"Look, I'm sorry that no one ever liked you at Hogwarts. I'm sorry that you only got shagged after you got the Dark Mark. I'm sorry that once the first war was over that no one fancied you until I came along," Tonks said quickly. "But stop using that as an excuse every time we have an argument!"

Severus finally looked up from the floor. "What are you saying?" he asked quietly.

"I'm saying that maybe if you had some bloody trust in yourself you wouldn't have been so weak!" Tonks yelled.

"Weak?" Severus asked.

"I know that it took guts to come to Albus once you turned. But honestly, if you hadn't been so weak, so willing to follow anyone who gave you just a little bit of attention, maybe you would never have turned to Voldemort to begin with!" Tonks said forcefully.

She realized by the look on Severus' face that she had just cut him deeply. The apparent hurt on his face made Tonks look away. She had no idea where those thoughts came from. Tonks had never consciously thought those things before. But the thoughts must have been somewhere, or she never would have said them.

Tonks heard the door slam and turned around quickly. Severus had left the room. Now she needed to decide if she wanted to run after him or not.

She forced herself to count to ten and decide. Tonks knew by then she couldn't speak to him tonight. The remarks about Malfoy were cruel and practically made her sick to her stomach. She would not share his bed tonight.

Quickly, Tonks grabbed her backpack and threw a change of clothes in it. Even though she was furious with him, she didn't want to worry Severus. She wrote a brief note, telling him that she would be staying at Headquarters tonight, and they would speak tomorrow.

Then without another glance to the room, she took a handful of Floo powder and flooed over to Headquarters.

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Tonks wasn't sure how she made it through the entire next day. She spent a great deal of time at the Ministry, doing paperwork. Finally, in the evening, she knew she wanted to talk to Severus and settle their argument.

From the Ministry, she apparated to Hogsmeade, and made the walk to Hogwarts in the cold. Tonks whispered the password to the bedchamber and waited.

Nothing happened.

Hoping this was a mistake, Tonks whispered the password again. The door didn't open. Tonks closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the door. Severus had changed the password.

"Ah, Nymphadora," a voice said.

Tonks looked up quickly and saw Professor Dumbledore. "Hello, Professor," she said weakly.

"I do not know what has happened between you and Severus, Nymphadora," Professor Dumbledore told her. "He requested that your belongings be moved to another room. The house-elves moved everything this afternoon."

"I see," Tonks said, not bothering to brush away the tears that started falling.

"Let me show you to your room," the Headmaster said gently.

Tonks nodded, and followed the Professor demurely through the hallway. The room was near the cellar that the Hufflepuff House called home. It was small, with a full-sized bed and a desk the only furniture. The fireplace was practically nothing more than a hole in the wall.

"Thank you," Tonks said sadly.

Professor Dumbledore placed his hand on her shoulder. "Good night," he said softly.

She looked around her new room and saw that the house-elves had done a good job of setting everything up. The bed was made neatly, and her clothes were already in the small closet.

Tonks lit a fire, hoping that Severus would talk to her. She changed into her pyjamas and curled up into the bed. For almost half the night, she stared at the fireplace, hoping to see his face there.

When she realized that she would not be speaking with him tonight, she cried herself to sleep.