When Jack and Kim finally made their way back indoors it was late and although he felt as though a weight had been lifted, Jack was tired. As he retreated to his room he took the phone with him and called the number Sarah had left him which would get him through to Heller directly.
He wanted to change the plans they had made. He didn't want to do it at home. Kim and Chase's house was like a safe haven for him. As he admitted to himself that he didn't want Heller there, he realised that he didn't want to poison his safe space with the pain that inhabited the rest of the world.
He still wasn't up to going out in public either. With Tony, a drink in a bar had been fun but with Heller attention would be paid to them and Secret Service would be there too. Heller suggested they meet in his hotel room if Jack was that uncomfortable with going out and Jack, still reluctant, agreed. He knew he couldn't put this off, he had to see the man, had to talk to him about the things he tried not to think about, never mind voice, even to himself alone.
Chase gave him a ride to the hotel. Jack wanted to take a cab, but Heller was adamant that Secret Service take him. Jack flat out refused and so Chase decided to intervene with a compromise. Jack was quiet during the drive, wondering what Heller wanted to see him about to put off his own thoughts of what he wanted to speak to the man about.
Jack took the lift up to Heller's floor, and then made his way to the mans room, not making eye contact with any of the men on the floor who were their to protect Heller. They eyed him curiously as he passed them with his head down.
Heller greeted him warmly, enthusiastically shaking his hand before telling him how well he looked, and then making the general enquiries about his health and how his recovery was coming along.
"You seen Sarah today?" Heller asked as he sat himself down on the sofa. Jack shook his head as he sat down in an arm chair.
"Not today," he said softly, "didn't need it."
Heller nodded his head and waited for Jack to say something, but he said nothing. Heller opened his mouth to say something to fill the silence but he too, could think of nothing. The silence grew uncomfortable as Jack began to fidget and Heller finally spoke.
"How you doing Jack, I mean really, how you doing? I've been worried…"
Jack's forehead creased as he tried to compose an answer. Finally, he decided to go for it, tell the Secretary what he had come here to tell him. "I'm doing well, very well. But sir, there is something I would like to speak to you about," he said quietly, feeling like a schoolboy admitting his crimes to the headmaster.
"Okay," Heller said, "what is it?"
Jack took a deep breath. "Since I got back from China, I've been thinking about things. Lots of things. I've learnt to accept that I'm not at fault for what happened. That by signing the confession, I was simply protecting my daughter and nothing more."
Heller nodded his head again, "I'm glad you've accepted that Jack."
"But sir," Jack said, feeling slightly stressed, "I've also been thinking about everything that happened before I was taken. The things I did, to stop the terrorist attack."
Heller looked down for a moment as he tried to intervene but Jack continued. "What I did to Paul, and to Audrey, those things I am responsible for. Terrible things I did of my own free will-"
"Jack," Heller cut in, "those events were out of your control too."
"I had a choice!" Jack snapped, growing red in the face. "I had a choice!"
"The situation you were placed in left you with no choice, don't you see that?" Heller said, growing more stressed himself.
Jack dropped his head in his hands, struggling to order his thoughts. "I know, I had to do it, I had to stop Marwan," he said suddenly, "but, I shouldn't, I just-"
"You shouldn't have been placed in that position." Heller said softly, "and God forgive me, if it was me who had to choose, I hope that I would do the same."
"I killed an innocent man," Jack said quietly, "of my own accord, nobody made me do it."
"The circumstances made you do it," Heller interrupted, "and Paul, God bless his soul, would have been dead anyway, along with Audrey, yourself and everyone else in LA who would have been on the receiving end of Marwan's plans."
Jack nodded his head slightly, "its just not that simple," he said softly, "I know it was for the greater good, I accept that, but I can't forgive myself."
"Jack," Heller cut in, but Jack continued, preventing the Secretary from speaking.
"Neither," Jack said, keeping all emotion free from his voice, "neither can Audrey. She hates me, I know it, and I don't blame her."
"Audrey doesn't hate you," Heller said sadly, "she was devastated with Paul, and then, when she thought you were gone too, she couldn't handle it. She cares about you Jack."
Jack smirked, "sure she does. I bet she's sat somewhere wishing I was still in China. Lets face it," he added, "it's no more than I deserve."
"I thought you said you had accepted things? What I'm hearing sounds like self pity," Heller said bluntly.
Jack smiled slightly, knowing the man was trying to provoke him.
"I know my daughter Jack. I know, she was upset for Paul, and as angry as she was, she was furious with fate for putting you in that position. Maybe you two need to talk about this."
Jack smirked again, "she hasn't tried to talk to me since my return. I think that speaks volumes about how she things."
"Oh for God's sake Jack!" Heller said exasperated as he let his hand drop onto the armrest with a dull thud, "have you tried to call her? No!"
"How could I call her, the last thing I want to do is remind her of the pain I caused her. I imagine she's trying to move on, and I don't blame her."
"This goes two ways Jack, maybe she didn't call you, to save you this guilt you're putting on yourself for what happened to Paul."
Jack shook his head slowly, not knowing what to say. "And just for your information," Heller lectured, "Audrey's had a damn hard time with it, she hasn't just accepted the pain she was subjected to as easily as you implied. You of all people should understand how hard this has been for her." Heller stopped, realising he was sounding like a biased and overprotective father.
"How is she?" Jack asked quietly.
"She's in a clinic." He saw the worry on Jack's face and added, "she's not ill Jack. Well," he paused, "she isn't well either. She checked herself into someplace where she can get healthy again and get help with what happened."
Jack dropped his head into his hands again, thinking she was in their because of the pain he had caused. Heller saw this and gave him more information. "She had a hard time with the kidnapping, she was scared to go outside, paranoid, this coupled with the loss of Paul and yourself, it became too much for her. She's doing well though."
Jack smiled slightly, "good. She deserves to get on with her life. She shouldn't have to live in fear," he added as he thought back to the her and Heller's kidnapping.
Heller got up from his chair and stood by Jacks side. "And neither do you," he said as he patted the man on the arm.
Jack looked up at him, and nodded his head softly. "Thanks," he offered, not knowing what else to say.
"I'm glad you're getting better," Heller said, suddenly blunt again, his tone indicating their conversation was over. "You and Audrey aught to talk, I think it would do you both some good."
Jack nodded his head again and got to his feet, Heller escorted him to the door. As Jack headed out of the room Heller called after him. "I hope you believe me Jack, you don't deserve to live in pain or regret anymore than she does. Please think about that."
Jack turned back to glance at him and stared at him a moment before turning and hurrying away as best as he could with the crutches, the words imprinting themselves on his brain.