III. Baby Love
Ooh baby love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
But all you do is treat me bad
Break my heart and leave me sad
Tell me, what did I do wrong
To make you stay away so long
'Cause baby love, my baby love
Been missing ya, miss kissing ya
Instead of breaking up
Let's do some kissing and making up
Don't throw our love away
In my arms why don't you stay
Need ya, need ya
Baby love, ooh, baby love
Baby love, my baby love
Why must we separate, my love
All of my whole life through
I never loved no one but you
Why you do me like you do
I get this need
Ooh, ooh, need to hold you
Once again, my love
Feel your warm embrace, my love
Don't throw our love away
Please don't do me this way
Not happy like I used to be
Loneliness has got the best of me
My love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
Why you do me like you do
After I've been true to you
So deep in love with you
Baby, baby, ooh 'til it's hurtin' me
'Til it's hurtin' me
Ooh, baby love
Don't throw our love away
Don't throw our love away
Ellie bites into her sandwich, brushing some crumbs from the top of her mouth. She rubs her hands together, then picks up a copy of The Toronto Star. Her eyes scan the front page, then she turns to Celebrity Watch. Manny Lands Her Third Man. Manny Santos stares back up at her, her arms circling a blonde hockey player/up and coming actor. At least he's not a thousand years old like her last husband, thinks Ellie, smirking a bit. Manny and Chris Sledge were apparently getting married on the beach in November, near her bungalow in Malibu. She keeps reading, hoping to find it, but no, no scoop on larger studios looking for independent films. Ellie closes the paper with disgust, hears a gurgle in her stomach, and pats her stomach.
"Miss Nash," says her assistant, putting down a cup of coffee in front of Ellie. "It's decaf."
"Please don't call me Miss, especially when we're the same age, Alex," says Ellie, taking the lid off the coffee.
Alex grins. "You gave me this job. It's the least I can do."
"Don't thank me yet," says Ellie, sipping her drink. "We've only sold about three films in three years. If this Bollywood/slasher film doesn't fly, both of us will be out of a job."
"That's the Toronto film business for ya," says Alex, shaking her head. "But someone's going to pick it up. Who doesn't like a good slasher flick?"
Ellie's stomach gurgles again, loud enough that it makes Alex wince.
"Chocolate and coffee for breakfast," says Ellie. "Bad combo."
"It's better than cold fries and leftover macaroni," shrugs Alex. "That's what I had."
Ellie strokes her stomach, and her mind starts to drift. It goes back to that morning when she was fixing a peanut butter and pickle hoagie in the kitchen, the kitchen she shared with Sean. She'd been having weird food cravings, letting her stomach lead her to the fridge where she'd dig up odds and ends, putting anything together, eating alone in there. It never seemed odd as she often ate alone, especially when Sean stayed late in the garage and was too exhausted to eat, falling into the bed, instantly asleep. But at that moment, Sean was at work, receiving an early shipment of car parts. Ellie realized that mustard would probably really make the hoagie better, and reached for the jar, but felt a bit woozy. She looked down at her legs, and her thighs felt sticky. At first, she was relieved. She hadn't had her period in awhile, two months, and was beginning to worry. Then, the pain came, a pain that made her crouch. She moaned, and laid on the floor, breathing against the cold surface. She grabbed for her cell phone, attached to her waist in order for Alex and other employees to call her. She was in so much pain that she just hit any number. She lucked out. It was speed dial and Marco picked up.
"Hey Ellie," said Marco after a couple rings.
"Marco," cried Ellie. "I don't know...I don't know what's going on. It...hurts. It hurts!"
"El...El?" shouted Marco. "Hang on...don't move...I'm coming."
Marco lived only a few blocks away, but he got there in record time, Dylan walking in after him. Dylan picked Ellie up and helped her into the car. They reached the hospital in about ten minutes, settling her on a gurney. Ellie looked around when they reached the emergency room. She saw all types of operating instruments, heard a lot of beeping, started to shake.
"Lie down, Ellie," said a doctor who she didn't recognize.
"It'll be alright," said a nurse, patting her shoulder.
It was hours before she regained consciousness, when she came to, lying on a hospital bed, feeling the cool plastic of a hospital gown. Her hair was tousled, everywhere, tangled. Marco sat in an opposite chair, his hands gripping the arm rests.
"Thank God, El," he said, rushing to her side when he saw her eyes open. "Thank God."
Ellie moaned. "What...what happened?"
"Maybe I should get the doctor," said Marco, looking rattled. "He can tell you better than I...Ellie, it's best if you hear it from him."
"No...no," said Ellie, starting to cry. "It'll be better from you. You're nervous...why?"
"Ellie..."
"Marco, please just tell me. I'm so scared."
Marco sat at the edge of her bed, holding her hands in his hands..
"Ellie...you...you miscarried. I'm so sorry," said Marco, wiping tears from his eyes. "I didn't even know you were pregnant, but I'm sorry, babe."
The doctor entered the room, the same nurse walking beside him. Ellie felt a chill in the room, and held Marco's hands tighter.
"Did you know you were pregnant, Miss Nash?" asked the doctor.
Ellie shook her head, casting Marco a look. Marco bit his lip.
"My period's always been a little off...I, um..."
"There are complications, dear," said the nurse. "That's why we're keeping you."
"Complications?" said Marco. "She's twenty-three, healthy."
"We're not sure, but...," started the nurse, looking at the doctor.
"There's a likely chance that this happened because you may be unable to have children, Miss Nash. We did some preliminary tests that may indicate as such, some problems with your Fallopian tubes. I'm incredibly sorry. We'd still like to do some more tests to know for sure."
Ellie sank back against the pillows, her head throbbing. Sean and her had discussed kids, weeks ago, especially when they heard that Tracker's wife had just given birth to a second son. And they both wanted one, but they wanted a house first. And now she couldn't give him a son or a daughter.
"Is there someone I can call, sweetie?" asked the nurse.
"Sean," whispered Marco.
Ellie shook her head. "No...no, please don't call him."
She dug her head in the blanket, releasing all her anger through tears, while Marco hugged her to his chest. Late that night, Marco and Dylan drove her home, silence the entire trip. Ellie turned the key in the lock, and entered the apartment. She was surprised to see Sean awake, leafing through a magazine.
"Hey," said Sean, kissing her cheek. "I was worried."
Ellie pulled away, and headed straight for the bedroom. It took a couple minutes before Sean joined her.
"Is something wrong?" asked Sean.
Ellie threw a few clothes into a bag, zipped it up, then finally stared at Sean.
"I don't want kids," she lied in the most convincing voice she could muster.
"Ellie, you're acting really weird," said Sean, trying to take the bag out of her hands. "Where are you going?"
Ellie brushed past him, went out of the apartment, and made her way down the stairwell.
"El, talk to me!" yelled Sean, leaping down the stairs and blocking her way out. "You don't want kids...okay."
"It's not okay and I'm going," whispered Ellie. "Just go back upstairs."
"Just stay so we can talk," said Sean, trying to read her eyes. "You know you can talk to me. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"If I stay, I'll cut," said Ellie, and she gave him a soft, pleading look, a look she hoped would make him move.
He moved, and she could feel his eyes on her back, as the door closed behind her. And their relationship.
Alex waves a paper in front of Ellie's face, then whistles.
"Ellie, come back to me," says Alex. "You're spacing out there, chief."
Ellie takes her hand from her stomach, and looks back up at Alex. "Sorry."
"So should I fax this to Claremont Pictures?" asks Alex. "It looks like as good a pitch as we're going to get it."
Ellie nods. "Yeah, go ahead. Oh, and Alex, I've been hearing rumors about you and a certain make-up girl we just hired?"
Alex smirks. "I will neither confirm or deny."
"Do I need to send you a memo about interoffice dating?"
"Like I'd read it," says Alex, sticking her tongue out at Ellie, who can't hide a grin.
Alex leaves, and Ellie starts reading a draft of a press release that's due by Friday.
"Someone's here!" Ellie hears Alex call from down the hall.
"They can only come in if they're bringing me more coffee!" replies Ellie.
"Oh, I brought more than coffee," says a familiar voice from the doorway. "Bagels, cream cheese, a healthier snack than whatever you're going to drudge up from the vending machines."
Ellie smiles, looking up from the release. Craig winks at her, his hands loaded.
"You're back from New York," said Ellie, rushing over and hugging him.
"Watch the coffee," warned Craig, trying to balance it all. "But yep, got back at around 3 A.M. I'm too wired to sleep."
Ellie helps him put down all the food on her desk. Craig goes over to her swivel chair and sits.
"You have a warm butt," says Craig, resting his head against the chair.
"Well, you have a big head," says Ellie, massaging his hair. "And you should go home and sleep. You have a show later today. You can fit in a two-hour nap."
"I like our New York apartment better," sighs Craig. "There's like all these thoughts racing in my head whenever I come here."
"Yeah," said Ellie quietly. "I know what you mean."
Craig swirls in the chair a few times, causing Ellie to laugh.
"Having fun?" says Ellie.
"I'd have more fun if I had a pretty girl on my lap," says Craig, grabbing her hand and pulling her to his lap.
They spin a couple times. Ellie punches him in the shoulder when Craig tries to tickle her, but then keeps her eyes fixed on the press release.
"Ugh, go on," says Craig, noticing where her attention has turned. "You can't play with me for five seconds because you have to write."
"Edit actually," says Ellie. "Thanks and good luck."
Craig raises an eyebrow. "You're not coming? El, this show is going to be so awesome."
"I'm watching it, but I have to be here for a call at five."
"Mmmkay," says Craig, getting up and giving her a kiss on the forehead. "Don't work too hard. Just make Alex work hard."
Ellie crosses her arms, smirks, and points to the door. "I'll see you on the show."
Craig waves bye and exits. Ellie clasps her hands together, rubbing her knuckles. She couldn't go, especially knowing who would be there, who'd be running the whole thing. Emma. She saw Emma and Sean at the wedding too, six months after she walked out on Sean. They could've just been talking, or they could've come as a couple. She wasn't sure. She just knew she couldn't stay when she saw them hugging in the garden. Marco had seen them at Sean's garage too, a few days before the wedding. She didn't want to think about what or who they were talking about, but she did. Was Sean telling Emma all their business, or bad-mouthing her because she was ignoring Sean's calls? She went searching for Marco after casting one last look at the garden, finding him trying to get the keys out of Craig's hand. She suggested a bar to Craig; she almost wanted to drink herself, though she never drank heavily.
They arrived at her, Marco, and Dylan's apartment at around 1 AM, after doing a bar crawl which left Craig barely able to stand. He stumbled into the bed, while Ellie tried to take off his jacket and shoes.
"Ashley," he moaned. He's said that about fifteen times since they left the last bar.
"Just lay back," instructed Ellie, pushing him towards the pillow.
"I was going to ask her...," said Craig, clutching his head and squirming.
"What?" said Ellie.
"I was going to ask her to marry me after that first show, the show she couldn't make due to that idiot."
"Assuming the idiot is Jimmy? No one's an idiot, Craig."
"But I wanted to get her this ring I saw in Japan," said Craig. "So I waited for the second show. She couldn't make it. Anyway, I think someone stole it because it never made it here. That's what the buyer told me the night of the show. Another obstacle, right?"
Craig coughs violently into the sheets, then rolls to face Ellie.
"It was going to be perfect," said Craig. "But we can't have perfect, I guess."
"Why don't you try and sleep?"
"I'm going to find a copy of that ring. Or maybe I'll call Angie and get that first ring back. The one I proposed with the first time. Maybe that's bad luck, though. What do you think, Ellie?"
Ellie sighed. "I think...she's married, Craig. I hate telling you that, but that's how it is."
"No, she's not," argued Craig, sitting up. "She stopped it. I know she did. In fact, I'll call and..."
"Craig!" said Ellie, making him lie back down. "She's married."
"She's married," whispered Craig to himself.
Ellie fetches a blanket and puts it over him. She sits on the bed.
"She's married, El," said Craig, staring at the ceiling.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," said Ellie. "If it helps, this day stunk for me too. I felt really alone, too."
Craig places a hand on her knee, started to stroke it. "So you know what it feels like?"
"Sean and I...done. I screwed it up."
Craig started unbuttoning her blouse. "We don't have to be alone."
"Craig, you're drunk," said Ellie, removing his hand and setting it on his chest. "And sad. And Marco's in the next room."
"We dated when you were in college," said Craig, a sad smile on his face. "You never treated me bad. I never treated you bad."
He started to unbutton her blouse again, and Ellie was amazed she let him get down all the way to her navel. Ellie gasped, stood, and started to button her shirt, refusing to look at him.
"We weren't in love, Craig," said Ellie. "We just comforted one another when Ash dated Jimmy and Sean dated Emma. And that's what this would be, some kind of awkward comfort. Go to sleep."
Craig rolled to the other side, and stared at the floor. Ellie took a deep breath, and went into the living room where Marco was playing cards with Dylan. Dylan belched, brushing off a Dorito chip that was on his shirt.
"Gross," said Ellie.
"You should be used to it by now," replied Dylan, picking his ear.
"Get a job," said Ellie.
"I'm waiting to hear back from a hockey captain," said Dylan, looking offended, pounding the table.
"No fighting, you two. There's been enough of that today," said Marco. "Dylan, get me a mineral water?"
Dylan nodded, and headed for the kitchen.
"You should've picked Tim," said Ellie, sitting on the couch.
"Shut up, El," whispered Marco. "So he's not perfect. No one is."
"Yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm just snappy, because...well, I saw Sean."
"And you still haven't told him?"
"What am I supposed to say? I shouldn't have left like that and it wasn't fair. But I can't give him what he wants. That's not fair to him, either."
"Who said love was fair?" asked Marco.
Dylan handed him a mineral water. "I found a bunch of red hair in the shower drain," he announced.
"Dylan, so not the time," said Marco. "Just go to bed, man."
Dylan retreated, grabbing the bag of Doritos. Ellie banged her head against the soft cushion of the couch.
"And of course, Craig's so desperate, he's trying to get me out of my clothes," whispered Ellie. "Really went for it just now."
"What, "exclaimed Marco.
"I mean, he's a good guy and everything, but..."
"You still have feelings for him?"
"Not those feelings, I think. But he needs my support. I'm not going to let him crumble."
"El...what if...what if it turns into something more?" asked Marco. "I mean, isn't that how Jimmy and Ash started?"
Ellie crumples the press release, tired of thinking too hard, about the chain of events that got her here. That's exactly how Jimmy and Ash started, she thinks. And there's no end in sight for them. Why'd it have to be this way? It was like lying to yourself everyday. No, it was lying to yourself everyday. She turns on the TV and hears a laugh track from some comedy show. Sometimes she feels the world is laughing at her, dangling that something she can't have.