IV. Come See About Me
I've been crying
'Cause I'm lonely (for you)
Smiles have all turned to tears
But tears won't wash away the fears
That you're never ever gonna return
To ease the fire that within me burns
It keeps me crying baby for you
Keeps me sighin' baby for you
So won't you hurry ?
Come on boy, see about me
(Come see about me)
See about you baby
I've given up my friends just for you
My friends are gone
And you have too
No peace shall I find
Until you come back
And be mine
No matter what you do or say
I'm gonna love you anyway
Keep on crying baby for you
I'm gonna keep sighin' baby for you
So come on hurry
Come on and see about me
(Come see about me)
See about you baby
Sometime's up
Sometime's down
My life's so uncertain
With you not around
From my arms you maybe out of reach
But my heart says you're here to keep
Keeps me crying baby for you
Keep on, keep on crying baby for you
So won't you hurry
Come on boy, see about me (Come see about me)
See about you baby (Come see about me)
You know I'm so lonely (Come see about me)
I love you only (Come see about me)
See about your baby (Come see about me)
Hurry, hurry
The smiling cat clock's eyes shift back and forth, while a small, plastic box with a mini-waterfall produces the sound of rushing water. Ashley checks her watch, while Jimmy fiddles with the collar of his shirt. It was two-thirty, and Ashley was already wishing this meeting was over. There had been enough uncomfortable silences between them, and she was worried that a third party, one with a psychology degree, would pick them apart. What is it they said? A child is a reflection of their parents. The apple doesn't fall from the tree. Ashley crosses her legs, and looks down into her lap.
"Hello!" greets Ms. Park, coming into the door with a large folder in her hands.
Ashley eyes the folder. It was filled to the brim with papers. Way too big.
"Ms. Kerwin, Mr. Brooks," says Ms. Park. "Thanks for meeting with me."
"Sure," replies Ashley. "We're anxious to hear how Leslie's doing."
Ms. Park nods. "Yes, yes. Leslie. Let me just open her file."
Ashley and Jimmy exchange looks, but Jimmy didn't look too perturbed. He gave her a little smile.
"Ahhh, Leslie," says Ms. Park. "Extremely intelligent, well-behaved, quite a stand-out in our music program. Teacher says she has a remarkable range in voice for her age."
Ashley felt the weight lift off her shoulders, and the waterfall finally sounded like a calm flow rather than a steady drumming in her ears.
"However," starts Ms. Park, pulling out a pink slip of paper. "There's something I think we should address."
Jimmy leans forward, while Ashley tenses.
"Her social skills...well, she's a bit shy," says Ms. Park.
"Oh," says Ashley, straightening the skirt of her business suit.. "Well, I was a bit shy when I was little, too. And she talks a lot at home."
"Yeah, very animated at home," agrees Jimmy, waving it off.
"No, I'm not saying this is bad, necessarily. But we encourage all our students to express themselves. After all, they're aspiring artists, right? All of Leslie's teachers have noticed that she pulls away a lot, very distant. Does she interact with other children during the weekend?"
Ashley gives Jimmy a pointed look, but chooses not to respond.
"She's at the golf course most weekends," says Jimmy. "She's learning the game."
"Oh, mini-golf? That's a good way for her to get acquainted with other kids," says Ms. Park, encouragingly.
"Umm, it's an adult course," corrects Jimmy. "I give her a little club, and we practice angles, stances, that sort of thing. She loves it, though, so..."
"Oh, I see," interrupts Ms. Park.
"We don't have friends with kids really," defends Ashley. "And the neighborhood kids are around eleven, twelve."
Ms. Park pulls out another sheet of paper.
"This is a study of Leslie's behavior in several of her class periods. As I said, very polite, very sweet. But all her instructors noted that she replies with two word answers, doesn't participate in too many activities unless forced, doesn't join groups. We ideally want her to be a part of the team, to not hold in all these feelings. And she's a pretty serious child. I'd like to see her smile more, as I'm sure you do. We don't want to force her to do things. We just want her to have the best."
Ashley can feel her face flushing. "We want her to have the best experience, Ms. Park."
"Tell me, Ms. Kerwin, is there a lot of tension in your household?"
Ashley starts to answer, but Jimmy interrupts, saying, "No, there isn't."
Jimmy shakes his head. "All I know is she was happy when she was playing golf, going to regular school, when she wasn't in this academy."
"Or maybe we didn't see that she was unhappy, Jimmy," argues Ashley. "Ms. Park may be on to something."
"You just want her to stay at this schoolbecause you never got to be a singer," says Jimmy. "Admit it, Ash."
Ashley almost bites her tongue as she grits her teeth. Jimmy runs a hand over his hair, focusing on Ms. Park. Ms. Park clears her throat.
"Um...there are some events that I think would be good for her," says Ms. Park, tentatively. "There's actually a carnival tonight. It's in conjunction with the charity concert over at WJTV. Ms. Kerwin, I'm sure you're involved with that concert, somehow."
Ashley shook herself, still mulling over Jimmy's words. "Yeah...I wrote the script for the show. I'm heading over there in a bit to present a check."
"So maybe you could take her to the carnival," advised Ms. Park.
Ashley looks at Jimmy, who gives her a small nod.
"Yes, that'd be fine," replies Ashley.
"Great, and there's also a camp next weekend. It's just a way for the smaller students to learn teamwork and give them an appreciation for the arts. They do activities that would really help Leslie find and use her voice."
Jimmy takes a deep breath. "Is that all, because I've got a gym full of girls waiting for me to teach them how to do a proper lay-up?"
Ms. Park rights her glasses, and puts the papers back in the folder.
"Yes, that is all, Mr. Brooks," says Ms. Park. "Can I see you two out?"
"No," says Jimmy, backing up his wheelchair and leaving.
Ashley departs with a pitiful smile to Ms. Park and jogs after Jimmy in the hall. Jimmy stops at a display case with trophies. The students of the academy had collected many ribbons, plaques, and trophies over the years. Ashley watches as Jimmy's eyes scan over each one.
"She told us there's something wrong with our kid, Ash," says Jimmy, softly. "She judged us. You said..."
"I know," says Ashley. "I didn't know this was going on. But she wants to help."
Jimmy sighs. "I should've shut up. I'm sorry I attacked you, but I just...felt attacked. You know?"
Ashley swallows, slings her purse over her shoulder. "It's okay, Jimmy."
The school bell rings and kids start to trickle out. It doesn't take long to see Leslie, her purple backpack fluttering on her back, off to the side as the other kids head for the music room. She trails behind, twirling a pencil in her hand as the girls in front of her chatter away. Ashley's stomach flip-flops, while Jimmy puts on a smile, a smile that Ashley sees a grimace behind. Ms. Park is right. They both know it.
"Les!" exclaims Jimmy.
Leslie's face brightens after seeing her parents. She runs up and hugs her father, dropping the pencil, which Ashley picks up.
"I played my recorder today!" exclaims Leslie. "My teacher said I could move onto the next lesson by myself since I was the only one to get the first lesson in one day."
"That's great, Leslie," says Ashley, bending down and hugging her.
"Are you taking me home?" asks Leslie, a hint of hope in the question.
"And make you miss music class?" says Ashley. "No, but we've got a fun surprise for you this evening."
"Ash, I gotta go," says Jimmy, tapping his watch. "But have fun tonight, you two!"
Jimmy kisses Leslie on her nose and wheels to the double doors, where he had arranged to meet Spinner. A wave of relief washes over Ashley. She'd been holding back what she really wanted to say to Leslie.
"Leslie, if you ever feel...you ever feel like you can't talk to me, or your dad, that's okay. But...but I want you to know that you can. You don't have to feel trapped. I used to hold stuff in when I was young, lock myself away, but it does help to talk."
Leslie's shoulders tense, and Ashley is reminded of that one question: Is there a lot of tension in your household?
"I'm okay," says Leslie softly.
"Okay," says Ashley, a bit defeated. "Well, I'm calling Paige so she can drop you off at the surprise place. It's going to be a lot of fun."
"Sure," says Leslie, with not a trace of excitement. "I have to go get my music folder."
Leslie walks into the classroom, and Ashley peeps in to see her. She takes her music folder from a pile, and sits at an empty desk. She bops her head to some imaginary beat, while Ashley's heart feels like it's collapsing on itself.Ashley remembers the last time her heart was like that. She too was sitting at a desk, though motionless, staring at the empty door frame where Craig left after Spin, Marco, and Mr. Brooks came in. Her mother and Mrs. Brooks trickled in after Craig's exit, obviously hearing the raucous.
"What's going on here?" asked Kate Kerwin, twisting off a cream glove that matched her dress. "The ceremony starts in an hour."
"Nothing to get upset about, Kate," said Mr. Brooks. "Let's give Ashley some privacy."
The boys in the room leave, but Kate and Mrs. Brooks remain. Ashley twisted her hands in frustration, peering out a window, hoping to see him.
"He came," said Ashley. "It would've been different if he just read the invitation, but he came all this way..."
"Ashley, what are you talking about?" asked Kate, looking out the window as well.
"I have to go to him!" exclaimed Ashley, starting to undo her veil. "He's going to think I don't care."
Kate took Ashley's hands down, pinning them to her sides.
"Why do I get this feeling that this involves Craig?" said Kate.
Ashley darts her eyes, still gazing out the window.
"Ashley, this is ridiculous," cried Kate. "You're twenty-three and you're not a little girl anymore. You made a decision and you're not backing out of this. Think of how much money the Brooks have put into today...the time, the energy. And you never once said that you were unhappy with this until what's his name showed up."
"His name is Craig, Mom!" shouted Ashley, giving Kate a piercing stare. "There's no what's his name, or that boy, or whatever name you choose to call him because you never liked him. He's the guy that waited for me to come back his senior year of high school after I snapped at hi, the guy that decorated a hotel room for me..."
"How about the guy that cheated on you, or let's get current...the guy who let you go so you could be with Jimmy?" spat back Kate, crossing her arms.
"That's so not the point," said Ashley, softly.
"If I may," spoke up Ms. Brooks, whose flowered hat overtook half of her face.
Kate stepped to the side, throwing up her hands. Ms. Brooks brushed back Ashley's veil, looked into her tear-stained face.
"Ashley, you've always been special to us, so special to Jimmy," said Ms. Brooks, warmly. "You're making every wish we had for him and every wish he had for himself come true today. And I know you're scared, and that you have fond memories of someone else...I was in the same predicament. I loved someone else when I married Jimmy's father. But you can fall in love more than once. You can learn to love."
Ashley was surprised when she could feel her heart beating again. It seemed to come alive in that moment. As she looked into Ms. Brooks' eyes, she could see the compassion, but also how weak she'd become, staying up late at night crying over Jimmy. She'd cried over Jimmy herself, as much as she had when Craig left, but in a different way. She cried over Jimmy because she didn't like seeing him come home every night, barely able to lift parts of his body when she'd known him to be so energetic before. She or Mr. Brooks lifted his head and arms up for him. She cried over Craig, because she knew she was walking around with part of his soul in her body, and that's what lifted her.
"I don't want to hurt Jimmy," said Ashley, grabbing her bouquet which slipped through her fingers, but she picked it up again. "I never want to hurt anyone again."
Ms. Brooks patted her back, while Kate eyed her suspiciously. Ashley could tell that she knew.
The ceremony was beautiful. Every flower in the yard had blossomed, a colorful backdrop for the melancholy in Ashley's heart. She didn't do a good job of masking her nerves, shaking as she put on Jimmy's golden band, inscribed with her initials. It got worse as the reception began, and Ashley excused herself to the bathroom so many times that Kate picked up on it, and told her to go back to the guests and act like a proper hostess. Jimmy seemed to love it, but he'd been in the hospital several days before, so of course, it was a welcome relief.
Their wedding night was awkward. They couldn't really go anywhere, seeing as Jimmy had more treatments that would gear him up for the surgery. Ashley went through the motions, but felt really hollow, even after it was done, and Jimmy lovingly put an arm over her. He was gentle, as always, but she felt like she was being crushed. She slept for a few hours, but her eyes popped open at around two. She wondered if Ellie was up, and then she wondered why her best friend had ditched the wedding. Maybe not to see Ashley go through something that was killing her inside? Ashley slid out of bed, put on a bra, T-shirt, and pajama bottoms. She didn't care what she looked like, and she was sure Ellie would look about the same and not mind at all.
She sped to Ellie's in the darkness, not sure what she wanted to unload on her. There were so many things: doubt, guilt, sadness, loneliness. Ashley had knowingly drawn all these things into her life, a life she was going to share with Jimmy.
Ashley rung the doorbell, glad that no one was coming through the halls and could see her clothes.
"Ash?" said a startled, yawning Ellie.
Not asking to come in, Ashley walked past her and hugged herself, right outside Ellie's bedroom..
"Ellie, I totally...totally made this worse," said Ashley.
"Ash, can we talk tomorrow?" asked Ellie.
Ashley looked around, and saw that Ellie's door was open. "Oh, I'm sorry. You...you have a guest."
"Ashley, you...," began Ellie.
Ashley smiled. "Well, now I see why you left the wedding."
She peered into Ellie's room. Her mouth dropped. Craig was curled in bed, sleeping soundly, his shirt off. Ashley's eyes started to water. Ellie looked in too, a look of confusion on his face.
"He must've taken his clothes off," said Ellie. "I guess he was hot or something."
"I can't believe you," whispered Ashley, nearly knocking Ellie to the ground as she walked to the front door.
"What! Ash!" yelled Ellie, twisting her arm so Ashley would face her. "I was comforting him!"
"So that's what you're calling it?"
"Stop jumping to conclusions and get a clue! I would never do that."
"You'd never do that!" exclaimed Ashley. "You dated Craig during your freshmen year, and I never thought you'd do that. Date an ex of mine! But I got over it. You tried to hide it then, and you're trying to hide it now. Nice try, El, but I'm not buying it."
Ellie smacked her lips. "You know what? Think what you want. It's obvious you just want me to feel guilty because you feel guilty. There's no way I'm letting you make me feel bad, like I'm some careless hag.. We're not in high school anymore, so I don't have time for your little immature drama."
Ellie shut the door in Ashley's face. Ashley didn't know what came over her, and she didn't know what to think. Deep down, she knew she couldn't say anything. She was married. She slouched down, feeling Ellie's hard door against her back. She wouldn't blame Ellie for never speaking to her again. In fact, that's probably why they hadn't.
Ashley takes her eyes from Leslie, and starts for her car. Getting in, she opens the glove compartment and fetches a stress tablet. She uncaps a bottle of water and lets the pill make its way down. It never worked all the way, though her doctor suggested it. She still felt rigid, but it was more safe than letting it all out. Her letting it out cost her her friendship with Ellie, and she wouldn't make mistakes like that again. It was better to be cool, friendly, guarded, especially as a newswriter and anchor. But in so many moments, and Ashley has to admit it to herself, as she drives out of the school parking lot, you just want to be free.