VI. Tears Of A Clown
Say oh yeah baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there tryin' to fool the public
But when it comes down to foolin' you
Now honey that's quite a different subject
So don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
'Cause really I'm sad
(so sad sad)
Oh I'm sadder than sad
(so sad sad)
Well I'm hurt and I want you so bad
(so sad sad)
Like a clown I appear to be glad
Ooh yeah
There's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around
Say oh yeah baby baby baby
Oh yeah baby baby baby
Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt
with a show of gladness
So don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
decided to go
Oh I need you so
Look I'm hurt and I want you to know
Just for others I put on a show
Ooh yeah
There's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown
Just like Pagliacci did
I'm gonna keep my surface hid
Hiding in my room I try
But in this lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you feel that I don't care
The tears of a clown
Tears of a clown
The tears of a clown
I'm going down de town
I'm going downtown
Tears of a clown
Eager fans clutch CD cases, hats, magazines, and almost anything that someone can sign, trying their best to remain calm in front of a table set up for the man of the hour. Craig peers through the folds of the tent, knocking his head against a cardboard clown with white hair and a red nose. He leers at it for a bit, then watches as Marco comes towards him with a clipboard.
"Ready, buddy?" asks Marco, brushing some lint off Craig's jacket.
"I'm never ready for these things," says Craig. "But it makes them happy. Ah, a part of me likes it."
Marco grimaces at the clown. "Eww, looks like you on a bad hair day."
"Ha," says Craig, sarcastically. "According to El, you're the king of bad hair days."
"Don't believe her," replies Marco. "I really hate that you guys hop around so much. You're in Toronto, then New York, than Vancouver...my two best friends who I only get to talk to via e-mail or cell. If Spinner and Paige weren't here..."
A chorus of screams and a rush of a train going across rollercoaster tracks sounds through the tent, making the walls flap.
"Marco," interrupts Craig. "I need to ask you something."
"Why...is something wrong with El?"
"No, she's fine, overworked, but fine," says Craig. "I saw Ash today."
Marco slaps his hand to his forehead. "And the saga continues."
Craig takes down Marco's hand. "I think something's wrong with her."
"No, I think you want something to be wrong with her."
Craig shakes his head. He couldn't get that image of her sad eyes out of his mind, not when he went backstage, not when he left the studio after to meet Marco at the carnival, not now. Just being next to her sent thrills up his spine, like electric jolts coursing through his body. He wanted to lay into her, tell her what had been missing those five years for him and for her, but instead, he just felt the weight of something heavy, something unspeakable that made her so sad. It would've been like beating a bruised puppy, heartless, and he had more than enough heart when it came to Ashley.
Craig kicks the fairground's dust with his shoe. "It was this look she had."
"Craig, don't."
"Maybe if she wasn't trapped in some bogus marriage with empty vows..."
Marco lightly pokes Craig with his clipboard. "Don't do that, Craig. Don't judge their marriage. They seem fine to me."
"Fine, yeah. But are they happy?"
Marco shrugs. "They're not kissing everytime I see them, but yeah, they're okay."
"I used to think she deserved whatever she got, since she made this decision...but I don't know. I saw her and I can't...it's too hard to be mad at her."
"You're not going to do anything?"
"Well, she made her a choice. I was an adult at the studio, friendly, and..."
"And you still haven't answered my question. You're dating Ellie now, so ditch this little fantasy I'm sure is floating around in that curly head of yours. Ash has got a kid, man. She's married. It's done. Things are different than high school or college. And you've got autographs to sign."
"Fine," mutters Craig, pushing back the flap.
As dozens of his fans scream, young and old, Marco's advice echoes in his brain. First is a young couple about Craig's age.
"Get him to sign this for me, baby!" says the woman, hiding her face under her bangs. "I can't talk to him! I can't, I can't, I can't!"
"Hey, dude, you're awesome!" says her boyfriend, giving him two CD covers to sign. "You cut these guitar riffs that are just wicked, dude. I wanna be like you, dude. I don't even get jealous when my girl says she wants to dump me for you. That's how cool you are, dude!"
Craig gives him a blank stare, then shakes it off. "Oh...uh, thanks. What's her name?"
"Her name's Arianna. And my name's Greg. That's as close as you can get to Craig, dude!" replies the boyfriend.
Craig signs the covers, then winks at Arianna, who screams again.
"Thanks dude!" says the boyfriend. "And whoever your chick is must be one lucky guy, man! Because you're hot."
"Not a word," whispers Craig to Marco.
Marco coughs, trying to hide a laugh.
II.
Ashley weaves through a group of young kids running towards the bumper cars, then looks back at them pushing through the turnstile and hopping into the cars. They were all laughing happily, jumping into the cars, pretending to drive before the power starts. Then her eye strays to a merry-go-round where a married couple stood at either side of a pony that held their toddler daughter, who gurgles as she smiles. Her eyes finally find Leslie, who with a sullen face, watches Paige devour a candy apple. Caramel is all over Paige's lips.
"Hey, party animals," says Ashley, who was thankful to be in a pair of jeans and a pink, chemise top.
"Mmm," mumbles Paige. "This is really good. I want another."
"You had three," says Leslie.
"You're really chowing down there, Paige," says Ashley. "Pretty soon you won't fit into all your designer wear."
"Bleh to Chanel if I can have more caramel," says Paige, finishing off the apple. "Besides I kinda...can't fit my pants anyway. I had a total Regina moment the other day. My thighs are getting slightly round."
"Regina as in Mean Girls," says Ashley, raising an eyebrow.
"What's Means Girls?" asks Leslie.
"The best movie ever, but yeah, I'll skip the apple and get some nuts," says Paige. "Adios, chicas!"
Paige heads for the snack bar, while Ashley leads Leslie to a corner.
"This is the surprise place?" asks Leslie, staring at two kids yelling and throwing ice cream at a police officer.
"It's a carnival. We're going to have fun!" says Ashley, a bit frightened at the fake excitement her voice produces.
"Okay," says Leslie, taking a deep breath.
Ashley scans the lay-out. Leslie was too short to ride some of the rides, and she didn't want to hype her up on sugar. Then, she sees Derek by a booth, rearranging some stuffed animals for a Sink-The-Basket game.
"Come on," she says to Leslie, pulling her to the booth.
Derek blows a big bubble of gum, waves to Ashley.
"You looking to play, Miss Ashley?" asks Derek, grabbing a ball.
"Well, I'm not as good as Jimmy," admits Ash. "But what the hey. Do you see any animals you like, Leslie?"
Leslie peers at the counter, and Ashley is relieved to see a smile cross her lips.
"I like the caterpillar," answers Leslie. "With the blue and yellow wings."
"I ate a caterpillar once," says Derek, handing Ash the ball.
"Ewww," says Leslie, standing closer to Ashley.
"Thanks for grossing my kid out," whispers Ashley. "Okay, here goes."
Ashley shoots, and the ball bounces off the rim, knocking over a stuffed elephant. Derek chuckles and retrieves the toy. He gives the ball back to Ash.
"Try again," he says.
Ashley shoots, and this time it just hits the net.
"Not enough height," says a familiar voice behind her.
The voice makes Ashley's insides squirm, and a warm rush runs throughout her body. Ashley turns to face Craig, her face red.
"I suck," says Ashley, starting to lead Leslie away.
"Wait," says Craig, lightly grabbing her arm.
Craig thrusts down a dollar and Derek passes him the ball. He shoots once, and makes a clean swish, which elicits an approving nod from Derek. Craig nods towards the stuffed animals, indicating for Ash to pick.
"Umm...the caterpillar," says Ashley, and she can feel Leslie hiding behind her back.
Derek hands the caterpillar to Craig, who hands it to Leslie. Leslie shyly takes it and thanks him.
"No problem," says Craig. "But I feel kinda guilty sending your mom away empty-handed."
"Well, if you play again, you can get the butterfly that goes with it," nudges Derek.
"No...no, that's okay," says Ashley.
Craig gives him another dollar and shoots. It bounces off the rim a bit, but swoops in, and Ashley reluctantly takes the butterfly from Derek.
"Thank you," says Ashley, smiling at Craig.
"Fully grown, beautiful, and free," says Derek. "But now, you can go. I don't want Craig walking away with half the stuff."
Ashley starts to walk away, and is pleasantly surprised to find Craig walking beside her. Leslie grabs her hand, squeezing it nervously.
"Oh, honey, this is Craig," says Ashley. "We knew each other...from high school."
She feels somewhat bad to introduce him like that, but she knows Leslie won't be able to get a grasp on everything that had really gone down between them. She thought she saw a pained look on Craig's face, but he was hiding it well if it was there.
"Yeah, your mom and I go way back," says Craig. "She told me you're a singer."
Leslie gazes at Craig, then looks away quickly. "Not yet."
"I bet you're going to be as good as your mom," compliments Craig.
"My mom doesn't sing," says Leslie, louder, casting Craig a confused look.
A trickle of sweat falls down Ashley's back. She can feel the heat from Craig's piercing stare, and trudges through the sand. She is relieved to see Darcy at a table, waving her over.
"Hey, guys!" calls Darcy. "Face painting. It's only two dollars. I'm really good at bunny faces."
A little girl stands next to Darcy. The little girl takes out a piece of ice from her pocket and starts sucking it.
"Hey, Darcy," says Ashley, still avoiding looking at Craig. "Leslie, would you like your face painted?"
Ashley notices that Leslie is looking at the little girl, still sucking away at the ice.
"Leslie, this is my niece, Aubrey," introduces Darcy. "Say hi, Aubrey."
Aubrey makes one huge slurping sound, and waves at Leslie. Well, thinks Ashley, at least she's interacting with another child.
"It'll take around six minutes, Ash," says Darcy. "You can either wait or do something else."
"Ummm...I'll come back," says Ashley, hoping Leslie and Aubrey might talk some more.
Leslie glowers at her, then at Aubrey, then reluctantly sits down. Ashley backs away, scouting for some water to cool her down. Craig follows, not looking her in the eye.
"Do you have something to say?" says Ashley, crossing her arms.
"You don't sing, huh?" replies Craig, ignoring a couple girls taking a picture of him. "Was that Jimmy's idea or yours?"
"Mine actually," answers Ashley, digging into her pocket for some change. "What with finishing school, getting married, getting pregnant, and starting my career, excuse me for not ducking into the studio during my five seconds of free time."
"You said you wanted to cut an album before you got married!" exclaims Craig. "Figures Jimmy would win over that part of your life too."
"It's none of your business, Craig," says Ashley angrily.
A sudden pain rises and she grabs for her chest. She stumbles a bit, and Craig catches her as she sloops.
"Hey, take it easy," says Craig. "Let's sit down."
Ashley shakes her head. "I'm fine. I don't need your help. It's nothing. See, I'm fine."
She makes to stand up, but starts to slouch again. Craig helps her to a bench, then fetches some water.
"Thank you," breathes Ashley, the pain decreasing.
They sit in silence for a few minutes, before Craig starts chuckling to himself.
"What's so funny?" asks Ashley.
"My first carnival," says Craig. "My first date. It was with Manny. Really bad experience."
"Really?"
Craig nods. "She choked me with cotton candy, then almost gave me a concussion. Nothing went right."
"Maybe it wasn't the environment. Maybe it was the company," says Ashley, smirking.
"Real subtle, Ash," laughs Craig. "But tonight's been pretty nice."
Ashley starts to relax, the pain having subsided. She wonders why Craig is there, if he wants some explanations, some closure. It's amazing to have him next to her. She could hardly believe it was him earlier that morning, doing a double take while she put on her lipstick, watching his hands go over those guitar strings like they used to, that same charm that filled every stage he played. But now he has more stubble, seems more seasoned, but still boyish, accessible.
She rises from the bench, and starts to wander around. She stops right in front of the ferris wheel, watches it turn. It's nice to watch it go up and down, she thinks. A circle that has its high and lows, but there's always that top, where you reach it and you don't care about anything. She hadn't wanted to care about anything for a long while now. Instinctively, she pulls out fifty cents and hands it to the employee.
"Feel up for a ride?" she yells to Craig.
Craig points to himself, shocked, but heads over and joins Ashley in the little compartment. The car lurches forward, but starts its ascent.
"Are you happy with Ellie?" asks Ashley suddenly, as the car rose above the tents.
Craig mouth hangs open, but he closes it. "Yeah, we're...we're good."
Ashley nods. "I couldn't live with myself if you weren't happy."
Ashley stares at Craig, who is looking at his feet.
"I wanted to follow you that day," says Ashley. "But I...I couldn't. I guess I'm not as brave as you."
Craig fumbles with his pants, but Ashley can tell he's listening. The car stalls at the top, and Ashley loves it, being surrounded by the stars, the fresh air wafting in her face.
"I really wish I was like that," says Ashley, looking at the stars, pulling the butterfly to her chest. "I don't take chances anymore. How do you...how do you do it, Craig?"
Craig runs a hand through his hair. "I just...know what I want."
"I have no idea what I want," says Ashley, her eyes tearing up a bit. "I know what I want for Leslie, for Jimmy, but...that's it."
The wheel turns again, and their car starts to go down. They're both silent, until the wheel starts to go up again, though not all the way to the top like last time.
"Remember when...we did that scene for Kwan's class?" asks Craig.
"Yeah" says Ashley. "I remember."
"Well, we took a chance, and look how well it paid off," says Craig. "You were so open. It was...what made me...ummm..."
"What?" prompts Ashley.
"It made me...fall for you," says Craig.
Ashley releases a tear, then wipes it away. "That Ash is so...so not here anymore, Craig."
Craig loops her fingers through hers. Ashley shakes uncontrollably, but stops when Craig puts an arm around her.
"No, she's not," whispers Craig. "She's here. She's always here."
Their car reaches the bottom and the employee lets them out Ashley wiggles out of Craig's hold and starts toward Darcy's booth, Craig staying in the car for a couple seconds before joining her. I'm married, thinks Ashley, still aware of the warmth on her shoulder where Craig's arm was. I can't do that...not anymore.
Wordlessly, they trek over to Darcy's booth, where Leslie lays asleep on the table, half her face painted with bunny whispers. Aubrey stands over her, poking her cheek.
"I put a spell on her," says Aubrey. "She won't wake up for thirty minutes."
"Leave her alone, Aubrey," says Darcy. "Ash, she could barely keep her eyes open. Don't worry about paying me."
"Maybe we should try a day activity," Ashley says to herself. "Thanks, Darcy. Um, bye Aubrey."
"Don't tell her what I did," says Aubrey. "It might have bad effects."
Ashley starts towards her car, but Craig takes Leslie in his arms, resisting Ashley's protests. Leslie cradles her head in Craig's right shoulder. If she woke up, Ashley knew Leslie would recoil in fright, but she seemed alright. Ashley opens the car door and Craig tucks her into the front seat. Ashley closes the door.
"I want one of those," says Craig, beaming at Leslie through the car window.
"You haven't had the kid talk yet?" asks Ashley.
Secretly, she hopes that Craig and Ellie haven't had any serious relationship talks, but she's pretty sure they've had some.
"I've dropped some hints," says Craig, which makes Ashley's stomach turn. "Ellie's got a lot of stuff on her mind. But yeah, I'd really, really like a kid."
"Son or daughter?" says Ashley. "Most guys want sons."
"Well, we both know I'm not like most guys...I want a daughter."
Ashley grins. "Well, I'm biased, but daughters... they're great."
Leslie slightly drools, then squirms as Ash puts on her seat belt.
"I'm sure she's great, Ash. Hopefully I'll get that lucky. Well, I guess this is it."
Ashley feels that slight pain again, coughs, then opens her glove compartment to fetch some tissue to wipe Leslie's mouth. A bottle of her stress tablets tumbles out, lands on Leslie's lap. The rattle wakes Leslie up, and Craig stares at the bottle. Ashley quickly puts it back in the compartment and closes it.
"Aspirin," explains Ashley. "See ya, Craig."
Ashley can tell Craig is searching for something on her face, but has decided not to say anything.
"Umm, I'm going to be in Toronto for a few weeks, if you ever want to...I don't know. No pressure," says Craig.
"Yeah...okay. I'll see you."
She starts her car, and edges down the road, still feeling Craig's touch on her hands as she grips the steering wheel. She just drove, throwing Leslie a smile, and to her delight, Leslie returns it, hugging her caterpillar.
When they reach home, there's a solitary light on. As they enter the living room, Jimmy stares at them, fork poised over a TV dinner.
"How was the carnival?" asks Jimmy.
"Fine," replies Leslie. "I'm tired. Night."
Leslie kisses Jimmy on the cheek and runs up the stairs, apparently finding her strength again. Ashley suspected that Leslie had been faking sleep to get out of being at the carnival, even pretending to be dead tired in a stranger's arms, and it was confirmed as Leslie jogged up the stairs two by two.
"It didn't work, Jimmy," says Ashley, hanging her purse on the hatstand.
Jimmy sighs. "Well, we'll try the camp thing. If that doesn't work, well, maybe we should take her out of the academy."
"Or we could keep trying," says Ashley. "She should keep singing, Jimmy."
"It's a hobby, Ash," argues Jimmy. "A fun hobby that gives her a moment's joy. If she keeps training, she could be on the PGA tour by the age of thirteen."
"Music can be a career too," says Ashley.
"We can't all be Craig, Ash," says Jimmy, wincing a little when he said the first name. "We have to look at the practical first, right?"
Ashley nods. "Yeah...the practical. I'm going to bed."
Jimmy rolls over and kisses Ash on the hand. It isn't the same thrill, the same need to be touched again, but she won't say this out loud, not even to herself. But that's how it is.
"I'll be up in a few," says Jimmy. "And again, I'm really, really sorry about today at Ms. Park's office You and Les mean everything."
Ashley lets go of him, not saying a word, and the only sound is her going upstairs, the butterfly slipping through her fingers.