VII. Tracks of My Tears
People say I'm the life of the party
Cause I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
Just look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Since you left me if you see me with another girl
Seeming like I'm having fun
Although she may be cute she's just a substitute
'Cause you're the permanent one
Outside, I'm masquerading
Inside, my hope is fading
Just a clown, oh yeah since you put me down
My smile is my make-up I wear since my break-up with you
Chorus
A sliver of lightning cuts across the room, illuminating Ellie curled on her bed, reading a book by the faint light of a lamp. She isn't really reading, going over the same paragraph about fifty times. She glances over at the window, gets up and watches the storm for a bit. The wind shakes a branch, leaves swirling to the ground. Ellie turns off the lamp and sits in a chair, adjusting it so it's right in front of the window. She hadn't watched a thunderstorm in a long time. Something about the way nature worked during them, the tragic thrashing of its forces, kindled something in her. It's a thrill, a bout of energy, that something she hadn't felt in a long time.
Once in awhile, Sean had watched them with her, a muscled arm over her lithe waist as they lay in bed. They were quiet, smiling at one another, and Ellie could feel Sean's chest breathing behind her back. It was the greatest feeling in the world, thinks Ellie, hearing the sound of low thunder. Why didn't it amount to anything, lead to what they both wanted?
Craig, he slept through them, not a care in the world, and she'd watch his face, still so carefree even if he'd had a rough day. But that didn't mean she didn't see the doubts during the day. It's really clear during the day, thinks Ellie, shaking her head. It's a quiet doubt that unsettles her during the night, so much that she started making up excuses to get out of awards shows, promotion parties, and in the last couple years, trips to see Joey and Caitlin. During the day, it's easier to pretend, to extend what she always enjoyed about her and him, that playfulness, that flirtation, that understanding. Sure, they understood at night, but it's an understanding that they don't want to admit. If they did, they'd have to face everything.
Ellie rubs her wrist. Truthfully, without Craig, she would've started it again. She thinks back to two days after Jimmy and Ashley's wedding, Craig sitting on the wooden floor of her apartment, staring at a picture of Ashley. Dylan had loaned him some clothes after she insisted Craig stay there for a weekend, afraid that he'd do something reckless. He seemed to have calmed down after the first night, though he barely talked. Ellie knelt beside him, peering at the picture as well. Craig and Ashley stood in front of Abbey Road Studios, flashing peace signs and sticking their tongues out.
"It's one of her favorite places," said Craig, biting his lip. "I don't even know why I'm looking at this right now. I must be a masochist."
"Ugh, you guys are so tall. You make me look short," said Ellie, hoping that would make him smile.
It did. "I'm not that tall," protested Craig.
"You're like the musical version of Paul Bunyan," said Ellie, forcing him to stand up. "You hungry?"
Craig folded the picture and put in his pocket. "Yeah. And El?"
Ellie grins. "You're welcome."
Craig grins back, and starts pulling on his shoes. Ellie didn't tell him about Ashley's visit on Friday. Why dig the knife in deeper? What did she want anyway? Didn't she know that just the sight of her would depress him even more? She really didn't understand Ashley sometimes, not when she went to England and got with Ali, not now. But she hadn't been able to sleep that weekend, knowing that she had yelled at Ashley, even though a part of her thought she deserved it.
"Brushing my teeth," said Ellie, going to her closet.
Ellie retrieved a green sweater, then headed to her bathroom and started fixing her hair. She found her toiletry bag, which she had taken from the cabinet to get Craig some toothpaste, and the contents fell out. She began putting things back in. Floss, curlers, a nail file...birth control pills. Ellie ran her thumb over the lid of the case that held the pills.
"Like I need these," she whispered.
She peered outside the bathroom door, at Craig tying his laces. She gently closed the door and sat on the toilet. Thoughts scrambled around in her mind. It had been about twelve years since she'd last picked up a contractor and started making cuts. When she ran out of Sean's apartment, she grazed her skin on the arm of the staircase. She looked at the small scrape it made all the way to Marco's in the cab. She couldn't say that it didn't stir up something in her, a physical way to trace the sadness in her heart. Marco kept an eye on her for months, probably suspecting and she'd been good. She put on the face she needed to, told him that she'd eventually tell Sean, that she just needed time.
Inching down her sleeve, she cried silently, Sean's confused face in her mind. The birth control pills stared back at her, gleaming under the florescent light. She picked up the nail file and sighed.
"El, you ready?" called Craig. "You're sure taking a long time in there."
Ellie looked for the right place on her arm, knowing no place was right, no place would really do.
"El?" said Craig, opening the door and stopping in his tracks.
Ellie tried her best to hide the file under her sleeve, but Craig pulled it back, taking the file in his hands.
"Have you done it yet?" asked Craig, warmly.
Ellie showed him her arm, shivered, and wrapped her arms around her body.
"I want to...so badly," said Ellie, sniffling. "I've wanted to for months."
"It's Sean, isn't it? Ellie, this isn't the best way to handle it...," began Craig.
"Oh, you're a fine one to talk, Craig," said Ellie, brushing past him and heading for the bedroom. "Didn't you almost drive drunk the other day because of your ex?"
Craig gave her a wounded look. Ellie shrugged.
"Sorry," she said.
"It was stupid of me," said Craig, placing the nail file in a drawer and shutting it.
"No...no, you were sad," said Ellie. "Well, I'm sad too."
Craig reached for her, and Ellie let him, anxious to be held, by anyone. She let her hands fall to her waist, her face deep in Craig's chest.
"I'm still sad. I'm so sad I'm not sure I can do anything really. I'm so mad I want to hit something. But I'm standing...well, because of you. I just need you to stand too. Let me return the favor," whispered Craig.
Ellie wiped her eyes, then her nose.
"Don't get snot on my shirt," says Craig. "Follow me. I'll buy you some eggs."
Ellie laughed lightly, letting Craig lead her out.
The lightning cuts the sky again, breaking Ellie out of her reverie. She moves back the chair and gets under the covers, staring at the cold side of the bed which Craig hadn't occupied for days.
II.
Craig turns the key in the lock, his head being pelted by rain. The cool air from their house blows across his face, as he closes the door behind him. He's been hot ever since he left the carnival, taking off his jacket in the car. The heat was a mix of anger and a warmth he hadn't had in years; it felt like he was almost drunk.
He didn't even know where to begin, mulling it over. She wasn't singing, she had this beautiful, talented kid, she was still so defensive of Jimmy. But she was depressed, and that angered him most of all. He was mad that Jimmy was the one who should see it, that he saw it and he couldn't do anything. Especially the pills. Since when did she start taking those?
Oh, but she looked more gorgeous than he remembered, just as delicate, caring. He didn't even know what to say as he watched her with Leslie. He always knew she'd be a good mom, but he had hoped she'd be a mom to his kids. He was secretly glad she missed the basket, that he could make light conversation using that. He dropped into a chair by the desk he used to write lyrics, smiling to himself. Looking around first, he took a key from the first drawer than unlocked the bottom drawer of the desk.
It held all the pictures he had thought about getting rid of, but couldn't bring himself to destroy. Even if he destroyed them, they couldn't erase the feelings. He flips through them. They were at restaurants gazing into each other's eyes, in the backstage area cuddling before his first gigs, in London during their first and only trip. He rubs his eyes. He nicknamed it the Ashley drawer, and Ellie knew nothing about it. If she did know, she never said anything.
Craig puts the pictures back in, slams the drawer shut, shaking his head. Marco told him to forget it, that it was done. He had no idea.
"Craig?" calls Ellie.
Craig turns to see Ellie, clad in a black T-shirt and white pajama bottoms.
"Hey," says Craig, quickly putting the key in the top drawer.
Ellie sits on the couch, tucking in her feet and sitting Indian-style. Craig takes a seat beside her, Ellie putting her head in his lap.
"Were you scared?" asks Craig, twirling her hair.
"No, just wondering where you were,"replies Ellie. "The show ended at seven."
"Oh yeah, I did some promo stuff," says Craig, glancing at the drawer. "It was pretty boring."
Ellie stares at the drawer for a second, but Craig is relieved to see her look away, not seeming to register anything.
"Come to bed?" she asks.
"Yeah...yeah, in a sec," says Craig.
Ellie disappears, another rumble of thunder echoing as she goes. Craig lays on the couch, and shivers a bit. It's colder than their bed, and he falls asleep while the storm rages on.
III.
The sun warms Ellie's face as morning seeps in. She puts her feet into her slippers, and throws on a black robe, throwing back hair that has fallen into her face. She tip-toes to the kitchen, puts on a pot of coffee, glances at Craig sleeping, breathing heavily, still fully dressed.
She reasons that he was just exhausted. She was too, falling asleep at around twelve-thirty, when she stayed up until two usually, though she was working most of the time. Craig stirs a bit when the coffee maker goes into action, but his eye remain closed.
Ellie opens the front door, searches for the paper, and locates it on the grass. She hears the rustling of grass as she bends down to pick it up, then is surprised to see a drooling German shepherd climbing on top of her.
"Hey!" she exclaims, struggling to get him off. "Stop!"
The dog licks her happily, pawing at her chest.
"You're so heavy," says Ellie, managing to get him off.
Ellie looks around, and sees the owner of the energetic dog. She wishes she'd never come down, awkwardly strokes the grass, then stands up. But that's gone quickly. Looking into his blue eyes made the air warmer, sweeter. She felt light-headed, her insides aching in a good way.
"Hey," says Sean, holding a leash and getting a hold of the dog. "I'm really sorry. She needs obedience school, I think."
Ellie smiles shyly. "It's a she?"
"Yeah, Andromeda," answers Sean, patting the dog on the head. "Emma's name. I call her Andy."
Ellie bristles slightly at the mention of Emma's name, but thinks she kept her cool so that Sean doesn't notice. He eyes her, and smiles. She hopes he keeps talking, that he'll forget that she hadn't talked to him even with all the calls, that for at least one moment he would just keep talking to her.
"So you're in town again?" asks Sean.
"Yeah, I'm doing the film company thing. Actually producing a slasher flick."
"The one you showed me the script of?"
Ellie nods.
"We really liked that movie," says Sean, grinning.
Ellie more than remembers. They even used to act it out, making silly voices. Sean wouldn't do it at first, but with some arm-twisting, he was soon saying the lamest lines while Ellie giggled.
"I'm hoping it's the next Napoleon Dynamite," says Ellie. "So lame and cheesy that it's brilliant."
Sean tugs back on Andromeda's leash as the dog is still trying to get to Ellie.
"Good luck with it," says Sean. "I should take her home."
"Oh. I didn't know you lived around here."
"Actually, I don't," explains Sean. "No, I was helping Snake with his car. He lives about five blocks from here. I do that for him sometimes. It's easier to stay over for one night than travel back to our house. Emma and I are in Millington now. Traffic's horrible, but it's a nice place for families."
Ellie swallows hard, so hard that she thinks she almost felt her tongue slide her throat. Of course, he was in Millington with Emma, married happily, thinking about families. She'd seen the ring on Emma's finger when Alex played a tape of possible stations where they could've promoted the second film, eventually bought by Claremont. The shine from Emma's diamond caught her eye immediately. It didn't take a high I.Q. to know that the guy was Sean, especially when Alex fessed up that Sean was moving out of the apartment they shared and was looking in classifieds for houses. What would he need with a house, Alex posed. Ellie knew.
"Millington's pretty pricey," says Ellie. "Your business must be going well."
Sean laughs. "Well, yeah, but I'm doing some woodwork on the side. Making the most out of Mr. Ehl's woodshop guidance."
"Well, good luck to you, too," says Ellie. "I gotta head back."
Ellie turns to leave, but stops when Sean speaks up.
"You still with Craig?" he asks.
Ellie keeps her back turned. "Yeah."
"I hope he's looking out for you."
"Yeah...yeah, he is."
"He's a good guy," says Sean. "See ya, El."
"See ya, Sean."
Ellie watches Sean and Andy head up the drive, crunches the paper in her fist. She cries as birds chirp cheerfully above her.