XIII. You Keep Me Hangin' On

Author's Note: This is the first chapter where you will get Paige's POV. Hopefully, it's not confusing because it does flow with the rest of the story. Thanks. :)

Set me free why doncha babe
Get out of my life why doncha babe
Cuz you don't really love me, you just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me but ya keep me hangin' on

Why do ya keep a'comin' around playin' with my heart
Why doncha get out of my life and let me make a new start
Let me get over you the way you've gotten over me-hey

Set me free why doncha babe
Let me be why doncha babe
Cuz you don't really love me, you just keep me hangin' on
Now you don't really want me, you just keep me hangin' on

You say although we broke up you still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends when seein' you only breaks my heart again

Whoa-oh-oh

Set me free why doncha babe (Whoa-oh-oh)
Get out of my life why doncha babe (Whoa-oh-oh)
Set me free why doncha babe
Get out of my life why doncha babe

You claim you still care for me but your heart and soul need to be free
And now that you've got your freedom you want to still hold on to me
You don't want me or yourself so let me find somebody else, hey hey

Why doncha be a man about it and set me free
Now you don't care a thing about me, you're just usin' me-go on
Get out, get out of my life and let me sleep at night

"Make sure you have everything!" yells Ms. Park, as everyone mills around in front of the arts and craft cabin.

Craig digs furiously inside his bag, the sun beating down on his back. He's sure it's somewhere.

"Hi," says Leslie behind him.

"Hey," he says. "Did you have fun yesterday?"

"Yeah," says Leslie. "I learned a lot. I guess I won't see you anymore."

Craig takes his hand out of the bag, gives her shoulder a squeeze.

"Nah, we're friends," says Craig. "We'll see each other."

"If I write some lyrics, would you take a look at them?" asks Leslie.

"Yeah, I'd love to read them."

Leslie smiles. "Thanks, and thanks for looking out for my mom. I don't think she could've survived the woods. She's a little girly."

Craig laughs, as Leslie skips away.

Digging to the very bottom, he smiles, touching it, puts it in the pocket on the back of his jeans. He glances around, sees Darcy demonstrating how to hula hoop for Aubrey and Leslie, then spots Ashley rifling through her purse. Walking past Ashley, he grazes the top of her waist with his hand, making her grin. He nods towards the cabin, goes inside, waiting for her to come through. Ashley appears a few seconds later.

"So," says Craig.

"So?" says Ashley, shrugging.

"So come here," says Craig, smiling at her.

Craig leads her into the supply closet.

As soon as the door closes, Craig kisses her mouth, then her neck. It feels just as good as it did last night. He thought it was some state of delirium, a dream, that it didn't actually happen. But no, it was real, and this is real. He's glad to see Ashley relaxing as he does it, but she makes a cry of anguish.

"Rake," says Ashley, moving to the left. "In my back."

Craig knocks the rake over, a loud clatter filling the closet. He kisses her mouth, stops, lays his forehead against hers.

"I feel like we're in high school again," says Craig.

Ashley sighs happily, touching his chin. "Yeah...but this feels insanely better."

"Insanely," agrees Craig.

Ashley looks at the door of the closet. "Well, we don't want to get left...again. Leslie's probably wondering where I am."

"We've still got twenty minutes before we leave," says Craig. "And I need to give you something..."

"Yeah?" says Ashley.

Craig reaches into his pocket, and gives her a small, neon pink and green bracelet, a friendship bracelet.

"I didn't know...um, this would happen...us trying to be together. But I knew we'd be friends at the very least. So I made it in arts and crafts after you left. It's not big, I know. Aubrey helped me make it. You know, I really like that kid."

Ashley slides it onto her wrist, her eyes misty.

"Yes, it is big, Craig. It's very big," says Ashley, hugging him. "I'll wear it...all the time."

"Even when we're together. Which won't be that long, right?"

Ashley blinks, a surprised expression on her face, looks down.

"Yeah...yeah, I shouldn't have asked...," starts Craig. "But yeah, patience and me are pretty much enemies."

"No," says Ashley. "That's alright. But it's a marriage...so, it's more difficult than your situation, you know?"

"Oh, I know."

"So are you going to talk to Ellie today?"

Craig nods. He'd been thinking about Ellie as soon as he got up that morning, during all the final exercises which were mainly catch-up activities where the kids completed things they worked on the previous day. Leslie had apparently constructed a nice little drum in Instrument Construction that she asked Craig to sign. Apparently, Winston had told her he was a rock star, just not some nice guy that could sing. Even with the sweetness of that gesture, Craig knew he wasn't being sweet with another girl in his life, that he was making a huge leap that would hurt Ellie. He rubs his head, which is starting to pound.

"I don't even know what to say yet," confesses Craig.

"Just be...gentle with her, please," says Ashley. "I know you will, but just as gentle as possible."

"I'll be as gentle with her as I was with you last night," says Craig, then turning red. "Well, not that kind of gentle."

Ashley blushes. "Last night was...," she begins.

Craig wraps his arms around her waist. "Incredible...perfect...inevitable," he says, kissing her between words.

"All the good adjectives," says Ashley, hugging him tight.

He holds her tight too, closing his eyes. This time, it would work. They didn't want anyone to get hurt, but it was a long time coming. Ellie would find someone, someone that loved her as much as he loved Ashley. And Jimmy, well, perhaps he'd find happiness too.

"You have no idea how happy you're making me, Ash," he whispers in her ear.

Ashley lets go, clutches Craig's face with her hands, smiles. "I think I know. Same here."

II.

Paige adjusts her sunglasses, pulls a trench coat tightly to her chest, enters the convenience store, a little chime sounding as she reaches the counter. The clerk gives her a quizzical look, as she puts on her brightest smile.

"Hey," greets Paige. "Do you have any...um...cigarettes?"

The clerk raises an eyebrow. "Kind?"

Paige scrunches her nose. "Whatever."

He gets a pack, places it on the counter, starts to run it over the scanner. Paige stops him.

"Can I have some...batteries?' she asks.

"Kind?"

"Doesn't matter. You choose."

The clerk reaches up and takes a pack of batteries down, eyes Paige suspiciously. Paige taps the counter, whistling. She leans in, brushing back her hair.

"Listen, um," she whispers, then staring down at his nametag. "Um, Murray...good name by the way, do you have pregnancy tests?"

"Oh, pregnancy tests!" exclaims Murray.

"Shhh," says Paige. "A little discretion here. I mean, but I'm probably not pregnant."

"Oh."

"I have this like ten-year plan, and I still need a year to get my design business of the ground. It's not like I can go on Project Runway and have instant success, you know. That's what I do. I run a business."

"Cool."

Paige beams. "Thanks, so yeah, I've been really careful. So I can't...can't have a baby. And Spinner's...so busy right now too so..."

"Your husband's name is Spinner?" says Murray, making a repulsed face.

"It's cute," defends Paige. "But hello, focus. If I were pregnant, which I'm not, the timing would be all messed up and...I'd have to stay home and change diapers...ewww. It's fine when Ash did it, but me...no."

"Who's Ash?"

"Uh, friend. But again, focus, hon. I basically promised Spinner and myself that we'd wait three years. Our house is really small and we have like no room for a baby. Plus they make a lot of noise."

"Well, they have to," says Murray. "I mean, they can't talk."

"And I don't hold that against them, really. But I like my eight hours of sleep, thank you very much. So you see why I'm dressed like this."

Murray shakes his head. "Uh, no, why are you dressed like that?"

"So no one will recognize me," replies Paige. "I already convinced Spin I just had a stomach bug, lied and said I went to a doctor, and coordinated this outfit."

"You went to a lot of trouble," says Murray, smiling.

"I know! You figure it wouldn't take this much work."

"Especially since you're not pregnant."

Paige shifts her eyes, avoiding his look, ignoring his smile. "Definitely not."

"They're in aisle seven," says Murray. "And congratulations if you are."

Paige crosses her arms. "I won't be needing the cigarettes...or the batteries."

"Yeah, I figured."

Paige walks down aisle seven, scanning the shelves. The pregnancy tests are right in front of her face, and she reaches out for one. She reads the instructions, grimaces, checks another. The second one seems alright, and she sings along to the song over the speaker, a Jude Harrison song she liked.

Tell me you love me like a star
Tell me you want me where ever you are,
Tell me you breathe me until your last breath.
Liar, Liar, oh, Liar, Liar.

Yeah, she was a liar, a girl whose thighs were getting bigger, who felt weird things going on in her stomach. She had even started craving fruit recently, something she knew her mother went through during her pregnancy with her. Well, that's my mom, thinks Paige. And she was ready for me and Dylan. But Spinner, he was so concerned, asking all these questions. Paige scratches her nose, makes her way down the aisle. She hated lying to him, but he just couldn't know, especially when she herself wasn't prepared to know. Starting down the aisle, she stops to examine a bottle of vitamins.

"Joining the FBI?" says a voice in front of her.

She views Ellie through her tinted glasses, which is odd as Ellie's wearing mostly black.

"Joining the Korn reunion show?" replies Paige. "I hear they're into moody, skinny girls with no fashion sense."

Ellie chuckles. "Seriously, it's way too hot for a trench."

"Just trying out a look," mumbles Paige, putting the vitamins down.

Ellie arches an eyebrow. "Interesting."

Paige holds the pregnancy test behind her back, backing up towards Murray, who was chewing a chocolate bar and singing Jude at the top of his lungs in a high-pitched voice.

Tell me you love me like a star,
Tell me you want me where ever you are,
Tell me you breathe me until your last breath.
Liar, Liar,
Oh, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Oh, Liar, Liar.

"Wow, seriously concerned for the state of music in our country," says Paige, looking disgustedly at Murray, still backing up.. "Should've talked to Craig about that. I'll see ya around."

"Wait, you saw Craig?" asks Ellie.

"Yeah, at the camp thing."

The test drops and Paige makes a grab for it, but Ellie sees it, her eyes widening. Paige sighs.

"I'm not...," starts Paige.

"Well, how would you know if...um, you haven't done it?" asked Ellie.

"I've done it. Hello, that's why I'm in this mess," says Paige, obviously misunderstanding her.

Ellie laughs. "No, not sex. I mean, if you haven't done the test."

"Because I don't want to...believe that I am. Because I'm...a little scared. Leave me alone."

Ellie pats her on the shoulder. "Come on. There's a bathroom in the restaurant next door. Pay and we'll go over."

Paige gives her a confused expression. "We're...barely friends."

Ellie shrugs. "I'm not Hazel. But you're scared, and you were there for me when I was scared."

Paige thinks back to when she first saw Ellie's arm in high school, all those frightening cuts, Ellie lurched over, crying. It would help to have another woman around, she thinks, even if that woman was someone she wasn't close to.

"Okay," whispers Paige.

"Good, so take off the shades, I'll get what I need, and meet you there."

Paige walks up to pay for the test, Murray slyly grinning. She takes off the shades, asks for the bathroom in the restaurant next door, and removes the trench coat. Removing the test from the bag, she goes to work, hearing boots cross the linoleum in the middle of it.

"Are you peeing yet?" says Ellie, the door of the bathroom clattering behind her, checking to see what stall Paige was in..

"Ellie, shut up," says Paige, finishing up. "Some privacy please."

"Sorry," whispers Ellie. "What are we hoping for?"

Paige opens the stall, looks at the directions, washes her hands.

"We don't want pink," replies Paige.

"Good, I don't like pink," says Ellie, smiling at her.

"Well, normally I don't mind pink, but yeah. Five minutes."

Paige paces the room, looks at her watch every few seconds, until five minutes is up.

"Please not pink, please not pink," she mumbles to herself.

She gives Ellie a frightened look, and looks at the test.

"Pink!" exclaims Paige, pounding the sink. "No...and oww!"

Paige massages her hand, not intending to hit it that hard. Immediately, a list starts going through her head. All the people she had to tell. Her mom., Spinner, Marco, and yeah, Ash would want to know. Why? Why now?

"Okay for physical contact?" says Ellie.

"Physical contact would be appreciated right now," says Paige.

Ellie hugs her, pats her back. "Spin's great. You should be happy."

"I'm not ready, Ellie. I can't have this baby."

Paige sees Ellie's face fall, her eyes darting. She looks miles away, thinking about something. She hoped she didn't sound like a total brat, that she didn't care about this life growing inside of her. But sometimes it was okay to think about yourself, wasn't it? I'm in such a mess, thinks Paige, stroking her forehead.

"This is a gift, Paige," says Ellie. "I know...I know it sounds lame. But you're going to be so thankful."

Paige takes the test, throws it in the trash, shakes her head at Ellie.

"Doubt it," she says, pushing through the door.

Ellie sips her coffee, retrieving mail from her mailbox. She can see two bills in between magazines and groans. No parenting magazines. It had been a strange day, especially that run-in with Paige. Didn't she know that she was lucky? Ellie shakes her head, fetching her keys. She could start thinking about nursery patterns, baby names, all the things she wouldn't get to think about. Seeing that pregnancy test on the floor brought out warm feelings for her, easier to take than imagining Emma leafing through a parent's magazine. Besides, she knew she couldn't take her anger out on anyone else, that she should be happy for Paige and Spinner. They were good people. She imagines a baby in a Bebe bib and laughs, entering the house.

As soon as she enters, she hears the shower running and sees Craig's stuff near his writing desk. She knows they didn't part on the best terms, but she is excited to see him. Maybe she could even tell him about Paige. Paige never said to keep it quiet.

"You're home!" she yells over the running water, peeping her head into the bathroom.

She can see Craig's silhouette, him washing his hair.

"Yeah!" replies Craig. "I smell like forest, but I'm almost done."

Ellie smiles. "Got any laundry?"

"Uh, yeah! But I can do it!"

Ellie realizes she hasn't told him about Claremont buying the film either.

"Okay, hurry! I've got some really good news. In fact, two pieces of good news!"

She unzips Craig's bag, starts taking out clothes, and yes, a lot of clothing smelled pretty woodsy. Ellie felt the urge to pinch her nose, but doesn't, taking out his leather jacket. A sweeter smell wafted up to her nose, startling her. She sniffs again. Flowers? No. Perfume? Yes, perfume, too feminine to be cologne. That's when her finger finds a couple pieces of red-brown hair, fairly long bits of hair. Definitely not her hair. Then, she remembers that Paige said she was at the camp, and she couldn't think of a reason why unless Ashley was there too. Ashley with her long, red-brown hair. She can feel a heavy sting near her heart, clutching the jacket as Craig comes into the room, dressed, drying his hair with a towel. Ellie looks down, then up, holds the jacket towards him.

"This definitely doesn't smell like the forest," says Ellie, with heavy sarcasm. "Ashley, isn't it?"

Craig's eyes look like they're ready to fall out of his head. He stares at her, his lips tight.

"Really nice, Craig," says Ellie. "I don't know which was more fun. Finding the Ashley museum in your little drawer, which I was pretty much understanding about up until now, or this. Was she at this little camp excursion?"

Craig clears his throat. "Ellie, you...," he starts.

"Was she?" yells Ellie, the back of her eyes now wet.

"Yeah, she was."

Ellie shakes her head, throws down the jacket.

"You have so little respect for me, this relationship!" exclaims Ellie, walking briskly to their bedroom.

Everything looks the same. The vanity that held a modest collection of pictures of them together, not nearly as many as were in that drawer. The bed Craig had avoided for the past two weeks, or really whenever he felt the need. The scripts on their nightstand Craig never discussed with her.

"That's not true!" says Craig, grabbing her arm. "El, I care about you so much."

"If you cared, you would've let me go, instead of just keeping me hanging. I've done so much...I've done so much for you! When she wasn't around!"

"Like never going to my shows or finding excuses not to go with me to anything."

"At least I'm not cheating!"

Ellie starts to cry, sitting on the bed.

"You don't have feelings for me. There's like three people in this relationship, and I just had this faith that we could make it. Stupid me."

"Ellie, I'm the stupid one, okay?"

"Yeah...you are, Craig," says Ellie, tempted to hit him anywhere, anywhere where it hurt. "I don't even care what you guys are doing. All I care about is that you're still pulling the same reckless stuff you did in high school, caring about yourself. You're selfish, and so is Ash! Jimmy's probably clueless too. You guys really deserve one another."

"I want us to be friends," whispers Craig. "Ellie, you know what you mean to me."

"No, I don't Craig!" says Ellie. "A friend wouldn't lie to me, a boyfriend wouldn't cheat on me. Right now, I can't find any meaning between us."

Craig drops his eyes. She'd never talked to him like that before since they'd been together. But she knew he expected it.

"I'm in love with her," says Craig softly.

"That's pretty obvious," says Ellie. "But I can't be happy for you guys. I wonder why."

"And I think it's obvious that you're...in love with someone too. I don't think there's three people in this relationship, El. I think there's four, and we deserve to be happy, as twisted as everything is right now."

Ellie shoots an angry look at him, goes to the closet, and drags out a suitcase. It angered her that Craig was sneaking around with Ash, but it angered her more that he had the nerve to bring up Sean right then and there, as if that excused everything.

"Get out!" yells Ellie. "I don't care where you go, or what you do. Just leave."

Craig drops the towel, begins to put things into the suitcase, not looking at her. Ellie stares at him until he's done. He slips past her, shoulders slouched. Ellie wipes her tears. Why was he putting her through this? He was supposed to be her support, just like last time, when she was ready to cut, the guy who looked out for her in group, a friend that valued her feelings. That was the problem, a friend.

As Craig closes the door behind him, she realizes that she really is alone. She heads to the bathroom, takes out the razor blades she bought, and pushes up her sleeve. Metal meets her skin. It's sharp, cold, the first pain she can control.