XIV. Ain't Too Proud To Beg
I know you wanna leave me,
But I refuse to let you go,
If I have to beg, plead for your sympathy,
I don't mind 'cause you mean that much to me.
Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darlin',
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Ain't to proud to plead, baby baby,
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Now I've heard a cryin' man, is half a man,
With no, sense of pride.
But if I have to cry to keep you, I don't mind weepin'
If it'll keep you by my side.
Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darlin',
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Ain't to proud to plead, baby baby,
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
If I have to sleep on your doorstep, all night and day,
Just to keep you from walkin' away,
Let your friends laugh even this I can stand,
Cause I wanna keep you, any way I can.
Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darlin',
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Ain't to proud to plead, baby baby,
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Now I've got a love so deep, in the pit of my heart,
And each day it grows more and more,
And I'm not ashamed to come, and plead with you baby,
If pleadin' keeps you from walkin' out that door.
Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darlin',
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Ain't to proud to plead, baby baby,
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go.
Jimmy removes his headphones, looks at the front door, and backs away from the coffee table. He's been waiting for his girls to return for most of the day, surprised and annoyed by the quiet in the house that weekend. Coaching went well, but coming home to an empty house wasn't satisfying at all. The loneliness got to him so bad that he called up his parents, who he tried to avoid talking to more than once a week, especially his dad, who'd grill him about Leslie's progress with golf. They both wanted her to be the best, but Jimmy hadn't told him about the arts academy, mainly because he's afraid that his dad will look at it as a lack of commitment, look at her differently, the same way he looked at Jimmy when he quit basketball his senior year. If he knew that Leslie had skipped this weekend to make friends at an arts camp, he'd grill Jimmy about that too. He couldn't stand the thought of being judged by his dad yet again, and besides, Leslie loves the game. Tonight's phone call had, unfortunately, ended up with Jimmy promising his parents that he and Ashley would eat with them at Spinner's restaurant. He really hopes they're not too tired.
He sees the knob turn and grins. Leslie enters, carrying her bag, rushing to Jimmy, who pecks her lightly on the lips.
"You're home, munchkin!" says Jimmy. "I missed you."
"I missed you too," says Leslie. "It was so much fun!"
Ashley comes in, avoiding Jimmy's stare. She immediately puts a few things in the closet as Leslie continues.
"I made a drum, and we sang, and oh, we went for a hike," says Leslie.
"No, no...you didn't go on a hike!" cries Jimmy in mock astonishment.
Leslie giggles. "Yeah, and my friend Aubrey and Winston saw a family of deer. They were pretty."
"I'm happy you had fun, Les," says Jimmy, throwing Ashley a small smile, which he's thankful she returns.
"Yeah, and Winston's sending me an invitation to his birthday party next Saturday. I need to check my e-mail."
Leslie races upstairs, Jimmy's eye following her. The camp had really worked, as many reservations as he had had about it. Surprisingly, it gives him as much joy as when Leslie got her first golf stance right.
"She said friend," says Jimmy, beaming. "I don't think she's ever said that word before. And e-mail invitations! This is great!"
Ashley nods. "It was amazing."
Jimmy wheels to her side, pinches her waist playfully. He notes that Ashley shakes a bit, even though she has a smile on her face.
"And of course, you know I missed you," says Jimmy. "I said we'd have dinner with my folks, if that's okay?"
"Sure," says Ashley softly. "Let me just wash up, help Leslie pull up that e-mail. Do we have a sitter?"
"Yeah, one of the girls I coach said she'd do it. You remember Lisa?"
"Oh, yeah. Leslie really liked her. Okay. I'll go upstairs."
Ashley makes her way upstairs, with Jimmy's eyes following her. He thought that time away would make her more affectionate towards him. He hated staring at the empty half of their bed, thinking of Ashley, alone, exhausted from whatever camp activities they were doing. But no, she was still fidgety, more fidgety if that was possible. Jimmy finds his wallet, starts sifting through the bills, counting. He can count how much money he has, but he can't count how many times Ashley has eased her mind around him. However, he's sure the number would depress him.
Craig knocks on the wooden door, glances at his suitcase. He hears raised voices on the other side, then someone putting on the chain lock, and then the chain lock coming off again, then being put on again. Finally, the door opens a sliver, revealing Marco's head behind the chain lock. He frowns at Craig, crosses his arms
"Hey," says Craig. "And I'm assuming you know everything."
Marco looks ready to spit on him. "Ellie, Craig...I mean, Ellie, Craig. She's the biggest sweetheart ever."
"Yeah, I'm horrible," says Craig, looking down.
Marco rolls his eyes. "She calls me at work, livid...and frantic. And you're...," he starts.
"Homeless, at least for tonight," says Craig.
Craig thinks he sees Dylan wavering behind Marco, listening to the entire conversation.
"Please, Marco," says Craig. "I'm begging you. Tomorrow, I'll call Mickey, get a hotel room."
Marco makes a move to remove the chain, glancing at Dylan.
"I've made mistakes too," says Dylan, giving Marco a knowing look. "Remember?"
Marco blinks back at Craig. Craig is pretty sure Dylan is referring to Marco's junior year, when Marco took him back after Dylan cheated. At the same time, the person wronged was Ellie, Marco's Ellie, so it really was up in the air whether Marco would let him in. Marco undoes the chain, steps aside so Craig can come through.
"Thanks, man," says Craig, looking at both Dylan and Marco.
"Anytime," says Dylan, goofily grinning.
Marco glares at him, grabs a blanket from another room, and throws it on the sofa. Dylan shrugs, and heads into the kitchen.
"The sofa's lumpy," says Marco, coldly. "Just so you know. And no, you can't have the extra bedroom."
Craig had never heard that amount of iciness in Marco's voice, but isn't too surprised when Marco starts taking out pillows, another blanket, and fresh towels. Despite his anger, he was still Marco. Craig smiles to himself, but erases it when Marco sits next to him, wringing his hands.
"So it's Ashley?" asks Marco. "Ellie wouldn't say who."
"Yeah, I didn't think she would," says Craig, knowing Ellie wouldn't go into detail, maybe out of embarrassment. "It's Ash."
"So my advice went right over your head," says Marco, shaking his head.
"No, but your advice went right over my heart," says Craig. "I'm really sorry, man. You know I care about El, don't you?"
Marco doesn't say anything, but Craig can tell that he's not responding out of agreement.
"Okay, so now that you've done this," says Marco after a minute of silence. "You have to know that Jimmy isn't going to let you roll all over him...okay, bad word choicr...he's not going to let you come in and swoop Ash away. She's his wife, the mother of his kid..."
"So?" interrupts Craig, getting up and pretending to read Marco's certificate for Employee of the Month at his non-profit association.
"So I'm saying you have to be prepared. Jimmy isn't the most forgiving person, and he's definitely not the most passive person. You know how he was with Spin."
"That was completely different," says Craig. "Besides if she wants a divorce, he should respect her wishes. He should respect that she wants to be with me."
"Yeah," says Marco, sarcastically. "Like you respect their marriage. It goes both ways, Craig."
Craig picks up the certificate. "Yeah, I know. But Jimmy's older now...more mature."
"Maybe," says Marco. "Just be careful. And don't touch my stuff."
Marco puts the certificate back, fixes up the pillows, and turns off the light. Craig flops down on the sofa, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, thinking about Ashley. Yes, it would be hard, but maybe Jimmy would make it easier for all three of them. Maybe he'd remember that Craig sacrificed a lot of time with Ashley so Jimmy could be with her, that a marriage based on duty wasn't as fulfilling as one based on love. Craig picks up his phone, thinks of dialing her, but no, he knows he has to wait, wait for everything to work in their favor.
Jimmy passes the mashed potatoes to his mother, the fork clattering against the bowl the only sound at the table. He glances at Ashley, something he's been doing ever since they took their seats. Ms. Brooks would occasionally ask her a question, and she'd reply quickly, then become quiet again. Mr. Brooks clears his throat, starting to carve his steak.
"Jim, I found some professional training programs for Leslie," says Mr. Brooks. "Really good for youngsters. I'll send you the websites later."
Jimmy lops some potatoes on his plate. "Dad, I'm coaching her," says Jimmy.
"Yeah, I know, but you can never say no to extra help," says Mr. Brooks. "The female golf population has become more and more crowded in the last six years, so we want Leslie a cut above the rest, right?"
"Yeah," says Jimmy, wiping his mouth with his napkin, praying that the dinner would end quickly.
"Besides, your game was basketball, not golf," says Mr. Brooks, and Jimmy hears the trickles of disappointment in this assessment. "Of course, that changed."
Ms. Brooks hangs her head, turning red. Jimmy grits his teeth, and notices that even Ashley has looked up at this point. Mr. Brooks chews a piece of steak, sips his wine.
"Jimmy's a really good coach, Dad," says Ashley suddenly. "The girls at Degrassi love him, and of course, Leslie does."
Mr. Brooks smacks his lips. "I'm sure, I'm sure. I'll go see about the bill."
Ms. Brooks smiles at Ashley as her husband leaves, obviously pleased at her defense of Jimmy. Jimmy grins too, glad to see Ashley more vocal.
"Ashley, we were actually thinking about taking a cruise before September," announces Ms. Brooks. "Have you ever been to the Virgin Islands? They're beautiful."
Ashley shakes her head. "Uh, no."
"Well, we were thinking you and Jimmy could come with us. My sister would be happy to take Leslie. It would be nice to spend time with you and Jimmy before Degrassi goes back in session. Of course, I don't know your schedule. Jimmy's father thinks it'll cut into Leslie's practice time, and that's why he started searching for these professionals. But I'm sure we can figure this all out, and have a lovely time."
Jimmy thinks he sees Ashley shaking more, her eyes becoming glazed. He lays down his fork, and a look of concern crosses his face.
"Excuse me," says Ashley. "I have to go to the ladies' room."
"Sure," says Ms. Brooks.
Jimmy excuses himself, noticing his mother's confused smile, but wheeling after Ashley, surprised to see her take a turn not towards the bathroom, but to the mauve-colored lounge, empty except for them, since it's just before closing. There is a row of phone booths Ashley heads to, picking up the phone, plucking out a quarter from her purse.
"Ash!" says Jimmy, startling her, forcing her to drop the quarter.
"Oh...hi," says Ashley.
Jimmy laughs. "We don't have to do the cruise thing. I don't think I could survive a week with my parents, so I don't expect you to. Who are you calling?"
Ashley hangs up the phone. "Emma," replies Ashley, though Jimmy can hear that her voice is unsure.
"The station? But it's Sunday."
Looking around the lounge, Ashley darts her eyes, and Jimmy can see clearly now that she's on the verge of crying. She sits on a mauve-colored couch, her knees going up and down violently.
"What's wrong?" says Jimmy, stroking her arm.
"It's not the cruise! It's not you!" sobs Ashley. "It's me."
"What're you saying, Ash?" asks Jimmy. "I'm missing whatever you're trying to tell me."
Ashley covers her face with her hands, and Jimmy sees a neon bracelet fall down her arm. He reaches out, touches it.
"Did Leslie make this? It's nice," says Jimmy, hoping that would change the subject, make her smile.
It doesn't, making Ashley cry more, stand up, pace the room, hugging herself. He doesn't remember seeing her this agitated. He'd seen her stressed on several occasions, but he attributed that to her work. This didn't seem work related.
"She didn't make it," whispers Ashley. "Someone else did."
Ashley turns her back to him, Jimmy seeing her muscles tense through her shirt He thinks back to before she left for camp, the last time he saw her, remembers that suspicion he had, a suspicion that she felt guilty about something. This someone else? But who would give her a friendship bracelet, one that would upset her that much? He didn't think Paige or Darcy would garner that type of reaction, thinks it has to be someone that she cares about, but is afraid to say their name.
"Craig," says Jimmy, feeling his entire body get hot. "It's Craig's."
Ashley faces him, tears that were hanging on her chain now falling.
"Yes," she whispers.
Jimmy's heart pounds, and he thinks that his body might as well be all paralyzed because he can't feel anything. He starts to wheel towards the door, his mind blank, but Ashley blocks him.
"Jimmy, it's not you!" cries Ashley. "I just have all these feelings. Craig was at this camp, and I lied to you and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!"
Jimmy bangs the arm of his wheelchair. "Is this about sex, Ash? Because I don't know why else you'd lie to me."
Ashley glares at him. "No, and you know it's not, Jimmy."
Jimmy smiles coldly. "I don't know what to think. How long have you been seeing him?"
"Um...we met at the charity concert, then the carnival...," begins Ashley.
"And you never told me about it," says Jimmy, rubbing his head. "Go on."
"Then I went to his studio..."
"You went to his studio," says Jimmy, smirking. "Ash, you know, just stop there. This can't get any better, can it? So what is, are you confused between us? Do you just want him?"
Ashley stays silent, looks down at the bracelet.
"You want him," answers Jimmy for himself. "Which means our whole marriage was some lie, our daughter was made out of that lie..."
"No, no," interrupts Ashley, as more tears fall. "I love you, Jimmy. It's just..."
Jimmy blinks up at her, his heart racing. "What? Ash, I'm really confused. You love me, but you don't want to be with me."
Ashley sighs, collapses on the lounge couch. Jimmy wheels to her, takes her hand. As much as she'd lied to him, he knew that Craig was just working his magic on her, that it was momentary, and they'd realize it wouldn't work. Ashley was his wife, and she was usually faithful, unbelievably kind. This couldn't be happening.
"Just take some time," whispers Jimmy. "I want to make this...make us work. You just need to let him go."
Ashley releases another loud cry. "Jimmy, I think we should..."
"I know, I know," interrupts Jimmy. "We should take some time apart, let you get closure with him."
"No," whispers Ashley. "I think we should get a divorce."
Jimmy lets her hand go, feels his veins turn ice cold, his blood pumping wildly. Ashley balls her fists, stands, looks around the room.
"You obviously haven't thought this through," says Jimmy, giving her an intense stare.
Ashley looks down nervously. "Yes...yes, I have."
"And Leslie? You want me to tell her that her mother's just bailing, to fulfill some selfish fantasy with another guy?"
"It's not a fantasy!" yells Ashley.
"Yes, it is, Ash. You guys never work. We've always worked, until you've bailed!" shouts Jimmy.
"Why do you think I keep bailing, Jimmy? I don't want to, but something's missing. I try to feel it...I really try, but it's like I can't!"
Jimmy lets a tear fall down his cheek, glances down at the carpet, then back at Ashley, whose eyes are deeply red. She's not playing, he thinks. She really wants this.
"I'm not giving you up without a fight, Ash," says Jimmy as calmly as he can. "Not for me, not for Les. I'm not giving you a divorce."
Ashley brushes past him, wiping her eyes, jogging out the doors of the lounge. Jimmy arches up his head, letting the tears burn his face, starting to regain feeling. The one place where he feels the most right now, his heart, he wishes would just disappear.
Jimmy hears a light tapping from outside Leslie's room, and pushes through her door, newly painted pink with a large white daisy in the center. He painted it last summer, with some help from Spinner. He remembers how it made Leslie smile, jump up excitedly, how Ashley grinned when she saw it. Leslie pulls a piece of paper from the printer.
"Hey, munchkin," says Jimmy. "Did you print out your invitation?"
"Yes," says Leslie, putting it on her nightstand. "I'm going to mark it on my calendar and count down the days. That's what Mommy does when she has something big coming up."
Mommy, thinks Jimmy. Your mother who I don't understand. He'd waited two hours before coming home, sure Ashley had gotten a cab ride home. He hoped it would cool her off, that they could talk it out some more.
"Good," says Jimmy. "Let me tuck you in."
Leslie obediently gets into bed, brushing back her hair, slinking under the covers. Jimmy smiles down at her, kisses her nose. He notices a beaded necklace around her small neck, with stones in the middle of the beads.
"Did you make that at camp?" asks Jimmy.
"My friend Craig made it," replies Leslie. "He sings too. I like him. Night."
Leslie kisses Jimmy on the cheek, and throws her head against the pillow. Jimmy lets more tears fall as he turns out the light, and heads for the bedroom. The bed is still made, but some drawers have been opened. Small items were gone. Her make-up, her hairbrush, her nightgown. She was gone.