Okay, so honestly, this was the hardest chapter to write so far. Both Allura and Keith's feelings hit very close to home, so to anyone whose dealt with objectification of any kind or has really bad abandonment issues, please be careful and stop, take a break at any point. I'm mean to this pairing and this story is supposed to be a Keillura. Oops :P

4. Inside My Own Mind

Allura came out of the bathroom, putting on the gown Lotor had provided her with, her stomach churning. It was a white silk gown that was relatively low cut and stopped a little above her ankles. She should have known and a part of her wanted to scream – a little at herself and a little at him for thinking that he was actually giving some concern to her well-being. Lotor had never been one to do anything for anyone else. She still came out of the bathroom, coming outside, moving to close the door, not wanting to go outside like this. A cold shiver ran through her, not certain if it was from the actual temperature of the room or from realising what Lotor was trying to do.

"Does my cupboard have any other clothes, Kerri?" Allura asked softly, sitting on the bed.

Kerri shook her head. "Prince Lotor wants you to dress according to his wishes, how he would like to see you."

Yeah, of course he wants me to look like this. A perfect doll to play with – just the way he wants. Then again, it's not like he's the only one.

Love had always been a confusing word for her, one she had never understood the meaning of until she had met the pilots of the Voltron Force. Before that, her father, her mother, her nanny and even Coran once her parents had been massacred, all of them had tried to shape her in the way they had wanted her to be.

"You're not acting like a proper princess!" Her nanny snapped, striking the 11-year-old girl down.

Allura's tiny fists clenched at the side, but she bowed down. "I'm sorry, nanny. I'll try to be what you want."

'I'll try to be what you want. I'll try to please you. I'll try to dress how you want. I'll try to walk like a princess should' These words had been a constant part of her life even back then. Would it always be a part of her life? Commander Keith had promised her once that she could live her life according to her own desires and had helped her achieve just that. It was the reason that when he proposed her, she had said yes. He gave her free will, he cared what she wanted and was always around as a friend – that had to be love, right?

She hadn't been wrong exactly. She still did love Commander Keith – he was her best friend, a confidant, the kind of family she had always desired to have but had never quite managed. But when she had met Keith – the Black Paladin of Voltron, he had given her something she had always felt was missing even with the man she had been betrothed to. Warmth, security, the feeling that she could push aside the whole world as long as she had him. Her life was complete – she loved her friends but leaving them behind hadn't hurt because her world had changed completely. The way she had fallen in love with Keith, no one else really mattered. It sounded almost selfish in hindsight and maybe it was, but she had not forgotten her precious friends who had helped her reach her this far. She never could but for once, she had tried to put her own happiness first. Was this punishment for that?

Princesses weren't allowed to have their own will and consent – they had to always think of what made other people happy.

Lotor claimed to love her, and this was somewhat of a proof that he did. At least in the same way that her nanny and her family had loved her where as long as she lived according to those rules, everything would be fine. She sat down on the bed, her childhood playing in her mind as if the memories had only occurred yesterday.

"You must find a way to protect your honour alongside saving your friends," King Alfor told her when she had been trapped with the Lotor of the other reality. "A princess's honour is the most important."

Princess. The term made her want to run away from the Castle of Lions at times back home – where the walls were most definitely secure, but they also closed in on her from each side. They measured every breath she took and how she should take that very breath. She touched her arm... she had rope burns on there for a couple of days after Coran tied her down to the chair when she wanted to pilot the Blue Lion. She had never told him this of course, knowing what his answer would be. Disobedience did not suit a princess – as Lotor had reinforced the childish fears she could not run away from and it was a reminder that had she said yes to the marriage proposal he had offered earlier, it would be bringing back the darkness that had graced her life for so many years.

She felt a wetness on her face, and it took her a moment to realise she was crying.

"Don't cry, Allura," A voice whispered softly, as if echoing through the air.

Allura looked up as if looking around despite knowing who the voice belonged to. Keith would look around and begin to fidget whenever a bad memory brought tears to her eyes before wrapping his arms around her a little stiffly at first but would relax when she would lean comfortingly into the hug. If only he were really here.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Allura murmured softly as more tears fell. "Nothing ever changes. Not now and not when I was a child."

"Princess?" Kerri asked curiously but Allura ignored her, not wanting the physical reminder that Keith wasn't really there with her. His voice, his presence, even just the illusion was enough to give her someone to speak with, to explain her frustrations.

"It will change," Keith said softly. "I know things are bad right now, Allura but you can't give up, ok? I need your strength; I need your unconditional faith in me. You make me feel like anything is possible. I'll bring you back home. I promise."

'I'll bring you back home. I promise' Home was where the heart was – and her heart even after her childhood demons tormented her that they would never leave her side, like a constant presence, her heart was still with Keith. It had never really left him even despite all the time she had spent as a prisoner here. Her physical being and her mind were trapped in this small place, but it felt as if nothing could trap her heart.

"I won't wear this," Allura said, looking at Kerri, grabbing the bathing gown she had been in

before and draping it around her shoulders. She shivered as the wetness caressed her body but decided this would be better than being so exposed. Lotor wouldn't kill her – so it didn't hurt to try her luck, did it? She would not be his toy – his plaything no matter how much he wanted her to.

"Princess," Kerri said softly. "You shouldn't reject Prince Lotor like this. He really cares for you. He wants to make the world better."

Was that what he had told her and most people? That he wanted to make the world a better place and that was why he had been keeping her a prisoner for a long time. Of course, it was – the proper way for royalty to behave was to allow people to believe your false lies. Prince Lotor indeed, he knew how to use his royal status as a prince to his advantage.

"Thank you, Kerri," Allura kept her voice smooth and gentle, knowing it wasn't her fault either and what could she say? Childhood habits did not leave her easily with how much it had been ingrained into her head constantly. "But I think I'll be okay. Can you pass a small message onto your Prince?"

Kerri hesitated before she nodded, biting her lip. "Ok. What is it?"

"Tell him I'm fine with my Paladin armour and the clothes I had, I don't need any favours from him," Allura said, keeping her voice thinly controlled, not letting any of her emotions to show.

"I'll tell him," Kerri said softly. "But he'll be angry."

I'm angry too. She didn't say this out loud, feeling as if there would be no point explaining to the little girl. She was in a vulnerable position and Lotor was someone who could protect her from being hurt further. Odd, that almost makes it sound like I'm talking about myself. Lotor couldn't protect her though. Now that she was feeling a little stronger after her shower, she wouldn't do anything he wanted.

Keith took a few small bites out of the food Shiro gave him, the other never pushing him to eat too much that he couldn't handle.

"I...I don't want her to go away too," The words left Keith's mouth before he could stop them, his cheeks flushing after the admittance. He knew Krolia had come back – and his father hadn't gone away on purpose but everyone he loved kept being pulled away from him. His dad had passed away, no one else had really wanted him until Shiro had adopted him. And then Shiro had disappeared too. He knew Shiro didn't mean to but that didn't make it all go away. Whether someone was snatched away, or they went away naturally but they always left. No one stayed.

"Keith," Shiro began softly but Keith shook his head, pulling back again.

"Sorry," Keith muttered, putting down his plate of food. He had never wanted to bother his brother with these thoughts – ones that he could normally talk himself out of. Krolia had left to protect him and his father and Shiro never really had a choice. Like Shiro, Allura had been snatched away. But why did these things only happen around him? To the people he loved. Was it because of him?

"Keith, you don't need to be sorry," Shiro said softly. "It's okay to think that way."

Keith shook his head. "No. It's not. No one went away on purpose, I know that. I hate the other thoughts that come into my head." It made it sound as if he was blaming Shiro for being a prisoner and for being tortured and blaming his Dad for dying while trying to save someone else's life. That was disgusting. He was disgusting for that thought even occurring to him.

"What thoughts are they?" Shiro prodded gently but Keith frowned, averting his gaze.

"They're not important," Keith insisted. Just further proof that he was really just a selfish person. That he wanted the people he loved to stay close, like they did whenever he closed his eyes. When Allura was in front of him, close enough to pull into his arms, to kiss her and tell her what she meant to him. Her warmth when she was close was like an all-encompassing embrace that he didn't want to ever leave him because the moment it did, everything was pulled into a sudden chill.

"No thoughts are bad, Keith," Shiro said softly. "It isn't our thoughts or feelings that make us selfish or selfless. We all have both selfishness and selflessness within us, within our minds. It's the way we choose to act on those thoughts and feelings that define whether we are selfish or selfless. That's what separates good from evil. Keith, you love Allura, don't you?"

Keith nodded, not sure where Shiro was going with this. What did him loving Allura have to do with the selfish thoughts he had?

"If you desired something in the relationship," Shiro began softly. "Something Allura wasn't ready for, despite wanting it, would you try to push for it?"

"No, of course not," Keith said quickly, cheeks reddening slightly as he realised what Shiro was implying. What he was referring to and it made his heart begin to race. "Nothing is more important than Allura's happiness to me."

"That's what makes you different from Lotor," Shiro explained to him. "Even when you both desire something similar, the way you act on it is different. He would never care whether it's something she desires too but you would. That's why I want to know your thoughts because even if they're as bad or selfish as you say they are, they don't define your actions or whether you choose to act on something or not." He paused.

Keith hesitated. He couldn't deny that Shiro had a point. He would never act on the thoughts that pricked his mind even if he had to push them back so he wouldn't unknowingly say anything to hurt the people that he loved but maybe Shiro would understand. Especially since he said that everyone had selfishness inside of them. He had to disagree with that part. Shiro did not have a selfish bone in his body – however, he did not say this out loud. He knew his brother did not view himself nearly as positively as everyone else did.

"Krolia left," Keith said softly. "Dad died in the fire. No one wanted me until you gave me a chance. Then you disappeared too. I was happy...when you came back but we only had a little bit of time before you disappeared again. Most of our time together was spent fighting and it was okay because we were still together. Allura...she came into my life when you weren't there. I still missed you a lot, but she made me believe I would see you again. I didn't even realise when I fell for her but then Lotor snatched her away too. Everyone I get close to...they always go away. What if...what if no one really does want to be around me? And the events are just..." He trailed off, looking away but what he didn't expect was Shiro to pull him close into a hug. He rested his head against his brother's shoulder blades, closing his eyes. His brother wasn't angry – he didn't seem it at least.

"Keith," Shiro said softly. "It has nothing to do with you, I promise. You're a hero, a soldier, a Paladin, so you're mostly surrounded by people who attract danger because of that. It has nothing to do with you. I love you, Keith and so does Krolia."

Keith sighed. "I should know that but then why..." His voice was slightly muffled, but he did know these things. He logically knew everything Shiro was saying but there was still a part of him that felt that maybe...just maybe it was him. If I had never been born, would they have been safer?

"Our brains can be hard on us sometimes, especially with everything you've been through," Shiro said softly. "You don't have to feel bad for those thoughts. It's okay to think things like that, Keith. But just remember, it's not you. It could never be you."

Keith nodded slowly. Shiro couldn't lie – no, he wouldn't lie. He had proven that enough. "Remind me if I forget?" He knew it was childish – he was an adult now, he shouldn't need Shiro's constant reassurances, but some fears didn't disappear with age.

"I always will," Shiro said softly, pulling away only slightly. "Do you think you can bring yourself to see the others? They've been worried about you."

Of course they had. He was the leader of Voltron and he hadn't even addressed his team in weeks, having given up due to their failure to find Allura. They deserved a better leader than him, but he couldn't focus on that. He had to do his best for them and for Allura.

"Yeah," Keith said softly. "I can come see them. I need to talk to them anyway. About Allura." This was going to be a tough conversation. Talking about her when he didn't know how he was going to go about finding her, but he could no longer pull back on that. He had to do it, no matter what. He owed her this much.