XVII. You're All I Need To Get By
When I was just a little girl
I wanted the world at my feet
Now all that's changed
'cause I have love
And now I do can see
You're all I need to get by
Like the sweet morning dew
I took one look at you
And it was plain to see
You were my destiny
With arms open wide
I threw away my pride
I'll sacrifice for you
Dedicate my life to you
I will go, where you lead
Always there in time of need
And when you lose your will
I'll be there to push you up the hill
There's no, no looking back for us
We've got love
Sure enough
That's enough
You're all I need to get by
All, you're all I need to get by
Like a mother protects her nest
For you I'll do my best
Stand by you like a tree
Dare anybody to try to move me
Darling in you I found
Strength where I was torn down
Don't know what's in store
But together we can open any door
Just to do what's good for you
And inspire you a little higher
I know you can make a woman
Out of a soul that didn't have a goal'cause we, we got the right foundation
And with love and determination
You're all I want to strive for and do a little more
All, all the joys under the sun wrapped up into
You're all I need to get by
All, you're all I need to get by
The metal bar from the leg of the sofa bed cuts through Craig's back, his eyes closed, refusing to vocalize the pain. He refuses to make any noise, to let her sleep. Holding her hand while she's curled up on the bed, he strokes her wrist with his thumb. It was miraculous that she fell asleep at all, after telling him about Liberty's visit, how a life without Leslie wouldn't be a life, how she didn't think Jimmy would ever do something so heartless. Finally, Craig insisted she get some rest, and she remained wordless climbing into the bed, her eyes shutting as he watched her. Eddie peeped in once, asked if he could do anything, and Craig asked him to get some of Ashley's essentials from Kate. Eddie complied, got her purse and an overnight bag. Craig didn't want to think what Mickey would say when he found out they still hadn't finished recording the first song.
He starts to think about his very first song, the one he recorded for Leo, when everything seemed so possible. That ended quickly. He still recalls how they laughed at him as he exited the studio, how Leo didn't come to his defense, how he went to Ellie for comfort, leading to them dating. But, as always, the spark wasn't there, and they couldn't make it work as much as they tried. Nevertheless, Craig went with her to Degrassi's graduation to see Jimmy, Spinner, and his other friends collect their diplomas. He avoided all their questions about recording, Leo, the music scene that didn't warm up to him like he thought they would.
The auditorium was packed, including Degrassi's most recent alumni: Marco, Ellie, Paige, himself. At the close of the ceremony, they all milled around with the new graduates. For a second, it seemed like they were all in the same school, like old times. He found Emma, hugged her, wished her well. Then he found Manny, kissing her on the cheek, hugging her, wishing her the very best. He shook hands with Spinner, J.T., and Toby, got a nice surprise when Sean came up and asked him how he was. But no, he wasn't at all prepared to see Ashley and Jimmy holding hands near the podium. He couldn't help but stare. Did she forget all about him when she went to London? Did she love Jimmy just as much as him? Or maybe, and this thought made his heart sting, she never loved him at all, even though she said it. Ashley threw back her hair, saw him. The air almost seemed electric, because the hair stood up on his neck, and he couldn't move. Ashley grinned, gave a small wave, but he backed away, not sure of what to do. He turned, and went out the door. He ran into Spinner and a few others.
"Dude, I graduated!" yelled Spinner, standing in a small circle with Paige, Marco, and Darcy.
"Which I knew you could do," said Darcy, hugging him from behind.
"Well, I'm like bombazzled," said Spinner.
"Bamboozled?" offered Paige.
"Yeah," said Spinner. "Craig, you gotta come to my celebration party. It's at the beach. We're going to have a bonfire and corn chips and good music and corn chips..."
"Spin's really excited about the corn chips," giggled Darcy.
Craig sighs, his mind on Ashley. He knew she'd be there. Why rub in the pain any longer?
"I don't know...," started Craig.
"Craig, stop being emo for a sec about the Ellie break-up," said Paige. "Who knows when we'll all be in the same vicinity again?"
Spinner made a pouty face, which Darcy copied. Paige and Marco joined in.
"Fine, I'll go," said Craig.
"Yes!" shouted Spinner. "I'm giving you the most corn chips, man."
They arrived at the beach at around seven-thirty, long picnic tables set up on the sand, music blasting from a CD player. Spinner's parents and Kendra waved them over, started dispensing food. Kids from Degrassi, even kids Craig didn't know, chowed down on hamburgers, hot dogs, chips. Craig sat with Marco and Paige, digging into a hot dog. No Ashley. Well, he thought, maybe she won't show. He was wrong. She and Jimmy started toward the head table, where Spinner and Darcy sat with his family, Jimmy shaking Spinner's hand. They weren't really close, but Ashley had probably convinced him to go. Ashley walked up to Craig's table, shifting her eyes away from him.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," said Paige and Marco at the same time, though they were greedily digging into potato salad.
"Hey, Craig," said Ashley, a small smile on her face.
"I wonder if there's cake," said Craig, throwing down his napkin, brushing past Ashley.
He heard Ashley sigh behind him. He made his way to the other side of the beach, not caring at all about cake, the sand grainy under his tennis shoes. Once he reached a nice distance from the party, he sat on a rock, seeing the stars beginning to come out. Something on his left touches Craig's hand. Ashley. He turned away from her.
"You won't even look at me," said Ashley. "Fine."
He looked at her as she started to head back.
"What do you want to say?" yelled Craig.
She came back, a look of relief on her face.
"I don't want to never see you again, especially knowing you hate me," said Ashley.
"I don't...I don't hate you," stammered Craig.
"Yes, you do," said Ashley, looking down. "I shouldn't have left you like that. I didn't give you a proper explanation, just took off. You didn't deserve it. Craig, I care about you and I've been waiting for the right time to say I'm sorry."
Craig swallowed a lump in his throat. He'd been waiting to hear that all summer, all year, that she cared, that she'd been thinking of him.
"I'm sorry for brushing you off," said Craig.
Ashley patted the rock. "Can I?"
Craig nodded. Ashley scooted onto the rock, her shorts scrunching as she brought her knees to her chin. He glanced at her face in the dusk, orange light coating her tanned skin. It felt like something was shaking in his heart, something he hadn't felt for about a year.
"You and Jimmy...you're dating?" said Craig, looking away from her.
"We're...taking a break," answered Ashley, shrugging. "And I think it's going to be a long one. We're going to the same college, but I think he wants to see what else is out there."
Craig took a deep breath. "Have you found someone else then?"
"Yes," said Ashley.
Craig felt like hurling himself off the rock. He shook his head, beginning to leave. Ashley stopped him, her hand on his heart.
"You're the someone else, with Ali, with Jimmy," says Ashley, settling her head on his chest. "You're always the someone else."
Craig held her face in his hands, wiping away tears that had fallen. Ashley smiled shyly.
"I can't put all of this on you so fast," she said. "I'm sorry. You and Ellie are..."
"Done," finished Craig. "We're done. And you're my someone else too."
They were coated in darkness, though Craig could see the small glow from the bonfire on Ashley's face. He couldn't believe it. All those months, a whole year, and they were both still holding on. He knew it would always be like that, that they'd come in and out of each other's lives, when they needed each other most.
"Craig, I don't even know what to say," said Ashley.
He touched her lips, brushing them with his forefinger. Ashley closed her eyes, and he kissed her, and it was as sweet and tender as he remembered.
"We don't have to say anything," said Craig. "We never do."
Craig moves a little to the left, the bar cutting more deeply into his back. Ashley's eyes flutter open.
"You look uncomfortable," she says.
"I'm fine," mutters Craig, pretending he'd been asleep, though he hadn't slept a wink.
"Liar," says Ashley, squeezing his hand again.
Craig stands, rubbing his back, then sits carefully down on the bed.
"How was the mattress?" he asks.
"It was okay. Didn't get much sleep," replies Ashley, patting down her hair.
Ashley sits up, lays her head on Craig's shoulder.
"He can't win, Craig," says Ashley. "Because if he does..."
"He won't," interrupts Craig. "I'll call Mickey, ask him if he could give me some of my funds and send me the names of some amazing lawyers."
"No, Craig, you're not paying for this," protests Ashley.
"I want to help."
"You already are. Okay?"
"Okay," says Craig, trying to kiss her on the lips.
Ashley holds him back, covers her mouth.
"Morning breath," she mumbles. "Get away."
"We've dated before," says Craig, trying to kiss her again. "Come on."
"Let me brush my teeth," says Ashley. "It's in both our best interests."
Craig groans as Ashley stands, gets out her toothbrush and some toothpaste. He glances at the clock. Ten-thirty. Mickey would be calling him any minute to check on their progress.
"You're weird, Kerwin," says Craig. "Do you still carry an extra thing of floss too?"
Ashley grins. "You know me so well. And yes, check in the bag."
Craig smiles after her, unzips her bag. He hears a little rattle, and his hands find a small bottle of white pills. Tricyclin, he reads. These were the same pills Ashley called aspirin, thinks Craig, looking at them more closely. He tucks them into his jeans pocket, scribbles a quick note to Ashley, and heads to the mall.
II.
Ellie shuffles a folder from one hand to the next, peering into the large window of the Dot, watching Emma stir a cup of coffee, glancing patiently around. She leans against the brick exterior, wishing Emma would just vanish, that no one would notice a tall, blonde girl dematerialize into thin air. Emma had politely agreed to meet her a different day, asking no questions. She really wished she had asked, that that could give her a reason to snap at her, even though she knew the only person who deserved it was Craig. Ellie makes sure her sleeve is completely down, covering two small cuts. She wanted to do more, but Alex came to visit about an hour later. Then, Marco stuck to her like glue, once Craig left his apartment, sure something was up. Luckily, he hadn't asked, maybe worried that he already knew the answer.
Taking a huge breath that made her stomach ache, she presses through the door and heads to Emma, who widely grins and stands. Ugh, she's so annoyingly professional, thinks Ellie, smiling back.
"Good afternoon, Ellie," says Emma, shaking her hand. "I'm glad you could come."
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that," says Ellie. "A lot of weird stuff happened this weekend."
"Oh, it's no trouble," says Emma. "I was busy too. And it's good that we're doing it at a more comfortable place. You looked a bit restless at the station."
Ellie nods. "It was just...a bit claustrophobic."
"Yeah, it's steaming hot in there. I gotta get Derek to check that out. Speaking of hot, aren't you burning up? That's a pretty blouse, though."
Ellie glances down at her blouse. It was the most airy, long-sleeved shirt that was clean, that would hide the cuts. And of course, she noticed, thinks Ellie.
"It's cold...in the office," lies Ellie. "Aren't we going to talk about the film?"
"Yeah," says Emma, pulling out her chair as Ellie does the same. "I've got a couple concerns."
"What kind of concerns?" asks Ellie, waving off a waitress headed towards them.
"Well," says Emma, settling into her chair. "It is very funny, but there are some gory parts. Our demographic is primarily middle-class families. Stuff like the charity concert is appropriate, you understand."
"But...but I did some research and you have quite a large number of young males watching your programs too. They're the ones that go to these horror movies."
Emma nods. "Yeah, but those guys primarily tune in to see Darcy. And she's like G-rated sexy, so it's not really a problem."
"Oh, okay. That's fine," says Ellie, though she's surprised how disappointed she is. "I mean, I tried, right?"
"However...," starts Emma, smiling.
"However...what?" says Ellie.
"However, we could probably run them at one of our sister stations if we come up with a decent ad. We're both creative so I think it's highly possible."
"You don't have to go to all this trouble."
Emma pats her hand, which makes Ellie's blood run cold.
"Ellie, I want to help," says Emma. "When I first got this station running, I needed a lot of support. Anyone with a struggling company..."
"It's not struggling!" exclaims Ellie. "I just need time."
"It's okay, Ellie," whispers Emma. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just you look so sad all the time. And tense. Are you in some type of trouble?"
Ellie rolls her eyes. "Don't you dare pity me," she whispers angrily.
"Pity?" says Emma, her eyes growing wide.
"I'm not one of your little causes," says Ellie, tears burning the back of your eyes. "Just because you married Sean doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me. You shouldn't."
"So this is about Sean," says Emma, nodding, as if she'd been waiting to hear that name.
"Emma, you're so transparent," snaps Ellie, getting up and shoving her chair in hard. "And one more thing. Get off your high horse because you're not fooling anyone."
Ellie throws Emma a dismissive look and charges out of the Dot door. She throws the folder into a trashcan, gets into her car, and drives down the road, heading home. Emma has some nerve, she thinks. She partly blames herself, putting herself in the same room as her, focusing on that wedding picture, being in the submissive role. How much she wanted to toss that coffee in her smug face, especially throwing Sean's name into it, just like Craig had a couple days before. But they were both right. He was at the root of it. He's at the root of everything.
She pauses when she hears a low, stuttering sound coming from the head of her car. Then, she sees smoke curling up from the hood. Pulling over, she gets out, coughing as the smoke blows into her face.
"This day can't get any worse," she moans, kicking a tire.
She kicks it again. At least that felt good.
A horn blasts.
"Go away!" she yells at a blue car approaching her.
The car stops, and Sean's head pokes through the window. Ellie looks at him, as still as a statue.
"You sure you want me to go?" says Sean, smiling at her.
Ellie glances at her car, then back at him.
"Not entirely," she replies.
Sean hops out of his car, pops her hood open, grimaces as he assesses the damage. Ellie stares at him as he goes to work, at his curly, sandy hair, his strong arms and backside. Ugh, thinks Ellie. I'm such a pervert.
"Do I have something on my butt?" says Sean, catching her looking.
Ellie's mouth hangs open. "No!" she exclaims.
Sean grins, pleased with her answer. "Oh," he says.
"What's wrong with it?" asks Ellie, hoping that would change the conversation.
"Carburetor," replies Sean. "Does Craig even take this in for maintenance?"
Ellie shrugs. "I don't think Craig can spell carburetor."
"Yeah," says Sean, chuckling. "I remember he wasn't good in shop."
Ellie pats the hood of the car. Craig was the last person she wanted to talk about. She lost a boyfriend, ran into her ex, and had her car go out on her in one week. Just great.
"Can it be saved?" she says.
"Yeah, just needs some Sean surgery," says Sean, smiling at her.
Ellie scrunches up her face.
"You used to like the Sean surgery joke," says Sean, closing the hood.
"I never liked the Sean surgery joke," says Ellie. "I just humored the Sean surgery joke."
Sean smirks, calls what Ellie hears is Merl at the shop, and Sean assures her that Merl is coming for her car and she'll have her car back in about two days.
"Thanks," says Ellie, checking her watch. "I need to get back to work."
As she checks her watch, her sleeve slips down, and she quickly tries to make sure the fabric covers her skin. It's too late. She watches Sean's face fall, and she puts her hand behind her back.
"Ellie, are you okay?" whispers Sean.
"You know what? Your lovely wife just asked me that! I'm fine!" yells Ellie.
"Emma? You saw Emma?"
"Yeah, and she was just the right amount of patronizing. I don't need anyone checking up on me!"
"She probably thought she was helping. That's just who she is. I'm really sorry if she offended you."
Ellie scratches her ear, looks down. "I shouldn't badmouth your wife. Sorry."
Sean laughs. "I'm used to you being outspoken, El. Forget it."
"Okay."
"Do you really have to go back to work, like right now?"
Ellie shakes her head. "I was going to get a head start on some things, but I'm pretty much through for the week."
Sean nods, opens his car door, throws a blanket and some clothes into the backseat, and holds the car door open for her. Ellie blinks back at him, her eyebrows raised.
"Just get in," says Sean. "Might do you some good."
Ellie stares at the open road. She didn't know how to feel. There's work and people would wonder where she was. But looking at Sean, smiling at her, kind of took care of all of that. She got in, closing the door.
"Where are we going?" asks Ellie, as Sean slides into the car with her.
"Sit back and relax for once," orders Sean. "You'll see when we get there."
III.
Mr. McKay rings a cash register as Craig pretends to read some hair growth formula bottles. He'd only seen Mr. McKay a couple times when he came in to buy condoms, and those times were really awkward. Running into Joey that one time with Marco had to be the most embarrassing. But he had to suck it up, ask him about this Tricyclin and what it did. The only question was how? He's pretty sure that information is confidential.
"You don't need it," says a small voice to his right.
He turns to see a freckled girl of about ten, wire-rim glasses covering her nose.
"What?" says Craig.
"The hair growth thing," says the girl. "I love your hair. So rock star."
Craig looks at the formula. "Oh. Thanks."
"Can you sign my stomach?" begs the girl, lifting her shirt, exposing her bellybutton.
"Oh..wow...whoa!" cries Craig, glancing around nervously. "Put down your shirt, okay?"
"What in the world is going on here?" shouts a loud, booming voice behind him.
Mr. McKay stands between them, putting a protective arm around the little girl.
"Grandpa, it's okay," whines the girl. "This is Craig Manning. He's going to sign my stomach."
"What...Craig!" yells Mr. McKay.
"No, sir...I...I wasn't!" exclaims Craig. "I just came to ask you a question."
Mr. McKay eyes Craig up and down. "Go ahead."
Craig wipes his brow. "I need to know what Tricyclin is and how many you should take in a month."
"Are you the patient?" inquires Mr. McKay.
"I'm not the patient...but it's very important."
"Craig, it depends on the patient, and I can't give you that information. It's confidential. He or she would need to come in and ask me."
Craig's shoulders hunch, defeated. The girl stares at her grandfather, pleadingly.
"Please, Grandpa," says the girl. "He looks worried. And he plays such good music."
The girl clasps her hands together, silently begging. Craig looks at Mr. McKay, hopefully.
"Their name?" says Mr. McKay, sighing.
"Ashley...Ashley Kerwin," replies Craig.
Mr. McKay heads back to his counter, followed by Craig and his granddaughter. He types Ashley's name into the computer, reads a few sentences, strokes his chin thoughtfully.
"I've listened to all your songs," whispers the girl.
Craig smiles down at her, then turns back to Mr. McKay.
"Well?" prompts Craig.
"Well, I prescribed a bottle to her about a week ago. She should only be taking a pill a week, if she feels it's necessary. That's four a month. The bottle should be pretty full since it's the tenth of the monthl."
Craig knows the bottle's half full, touching his pocket. He can feel sweat forming on the palms of his hands. Mr. McKay notices Craig's reaction, and gives him a pleasant smile.
"She's come to me more than once, so it may just be an old bottle if there's more missing. Tricyclin's stress relief medication. Nothing serious, unless the person abuses it, which isn't that atypical. And we know Ashley's very cautious."
"Yeah," says Craig, nodding to himself. "She's the most cautious person I know."
"Normally, if the person abuses it, they'd have an accelerated heart rate, dizzy spells, chest pain, fever. It could lead to some serious heart conditions. But Ashley's had none of that, right?"
Craig thinks back, and does remember her getting dizzy at the carnival, but that may've been due to the heat. He really didn't know.
"I don't think so," answers Craig.
"Good," responds Mr. McKay.
The little girl yanks on Craig's sleeve. He bends over.
"Autograph, please," says the girl. "You can sign wherever you want."
"Um, I'll sign your shoulder," says Craig. "Thanks, Mr. McKay."
Mr. McKay hands him a black marker.
"Is this girl the Dust girl?" says the girl, blushing as Craig scrawls his name on her shirt.
"Yeah," says Craig.
"That's romantic," says the girl. "I hope she's okay."
"Me too," says Craig, dotting the "I" in his name.
IV.
Ashley ties her shoe as Craig enters the studio, a big smile on her face when she sees him. Craig can still hear the little rattle of the pill bottle as he walks in.
"Hey," says Ashley, kissing him. "Minty fresh."
Craig returns the kiss, enjoying her lips more than her breath.
"Mmmm," compliments Craig as Ashley pulls away.
"So while you were gone, I decided to go see Jimmy," says Ashley. "I'm thinking it's his dad who convinced him to do this, because this is so not him. I'm pretty certain we can work it out. I basically have to believe that."
Craig shifts his feet. "I shouldn't go with you probably. A part of me thinks it's my fault, going over there, making things worse."
"Don't blame yourself," says Ashley, forcing him to sit back down on the mattress. "Should you have done it? No. But Jimmy makes his own decisions, even if they're really his dad's decisions."
"I'm with you, in spirit," says Craig. "Or body, if you need the body."
"That sounds pretty suggestive," laughs Ashley. "I might have to take you up on that later. Once this is all straightened out."
"You see? That wasn't even what I meant," says Craig, nuzzling her neck with his lips.
"Yes, it was," says Ashley, lightly pushing him back.
"Umm, but I do need to know something," says Craig, more seriously.
Ashley gives him a confused look. "Yeah?"
Craig removes the bottle from his pocket, holds it up to her face.
"I'm worried, Ash. Really," says Craig.
Ashley bites her lip. "I take them sometimes. But since you came back, I don't take them anymore. You make all the stress go. It's over, Craig. Promise."
"You sure? Because I'm going to be there for you, Ash, whatever it is. Through this Leslie stuff, and anything else. Just like always."
Ashley beams, pulls Craig to her, kisses him deeply. Craig drops the bottle, clutches her to his chest.
"I know," says Ashley, wiping lipstick from his lips. "Thank you. And I'm sure."
Craig stands, helps Ashley up.
"I can't be on a bed with you or something's going to happen and you'll never get to Jimmy's," says Craig. "Let me take you out to eat before you go. Mickey'll nail me later, but whatever."
"Wait a minute," laughs Ashley. "You really wanted to get it on on this ghetto bed?"
"We only need one bed," says Craig, picking her up, making her giggle.
"Or a tent," says Ashley, as he puts her down and they leave.