XVIII. What's Goin' On
Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today - Yeah
Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today
Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Ah, what's going on
In the mean time
Right on, baby
Right on
Right on
Father, father, everybody thinks we're wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today
Oh
Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see
What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Tell me what's going on
I'll tell you what's going on - Uh
Right on baby
Right on baby
Ashley stands outside her home, viewing the blue mailbox that she always collected mail from, the roses she planted to make the yard cheerier, a purple barrette lying on the walkway to the door. She picks up the barrette, clutches it in her hand. She'd braided Leslie's hair so many times, watched over her when she was sick, went all over town to find Velcro shoes for her when she had trouble learning how to tie her shoes. The last thing seems so small, but she can't forget the way they celebrated when she actually did learn. She made her a little ice cream sundae and everything. Didn't Jimmy remember that day, or any other day?
The walkway feels hard against her feet as she approaches the door. She rings the bell, clears her throat. The image of them all fighting in a courtroom seems surreal. She definitely didn't want to put Leslie through that, and knew a part of Jimmy didn't either, at least the Jimmy she knew.
A pretty Hispanic woman opens the door, a surprised look on her face.
"Oh, hi!" she greets, ushering Ashley in.
Ashley thinks she's seen her before, and she appears very warm, sweet. She wears an apron over a blue dress.
"I see you on TV all the time," she says. "I'm Tia, Lisa's mom?"
"Oh, right," says Ashley, smiling. "Nice to see you."
"Lisa and Leslie are at the park right now," says Tia. "I'm just fixing up some dinner for the girls and Jimmy before they come back. Jimmy can't cook anything, huh? Of course, it's probably not as good as anything you make."
"I'm not that great of a chef either," replies Ashley. "Thanks for helping out. I just...um, needed to get away for a bit."
'No, no, I understand. Lisa's father had the same problem. Of course, that lead to our divorce. But it's different for you guys, I'm sure."
Ashley averts her eyes, not wanting to tell her anything, as nice as she is. It was a little strange having a woman who was practically a stranger doing what she used to do, maybe doing it better. But no, she has to focus, locate Jimmy.
"Is Jimmy here?" asks Ashley.
"No, he went to a celebration lunch at Mason's Bar and Grill," announces Tia. "Paige Mason's having a baby. Isn't that exciting?"
Wow, thinks Ashley, smiling gleefully. That explains the weight gain and the puking. It's nice that something happy is happening in all this mess. She makes a mental note to make some time with Paige as soon as she can.
"That's so great," says Ashley. "I've been incognito, so that's a shock. But a happy shock."
Tia nods, happily. "It should still be going on. You can track down Jimmy there. They invited you both, but I guess you never got the message."
No, she never got the message, but it's not like Jimmy knew where she was. Who knows? He may've not wanted to tell her at all.
"Thanks," says Ashley. "How's Leslie?"
"Honestly, a bit sad," whispers Tia, frowning. "She barely eats. Stays in her room a lot. It took a miracle to get her outside today, but Lisa can be very convincing. But I'll look out for her. Don't worry."
Ashley nods, wishes she was the one looking out for her. Leslie was her daughter after all. At least for this moment, she thinks sadly. Her child not eating? A part of her wanted to run to the park right now, and get her, take her away, but no, Jimmy first.
"Can you tell her that I'm going to see her...really soon?" says Ashley.
"Certainly," says Tia. " I can certainly do that."
II.
Paige butters a muffin, passes the salt shaker to Marco, remaining quiet like she's been for the last twenty minutes. There were smiling faces all around, sometimes aimed at her, other times directed towards Spinner. The restaurant was supposed to be closed to everyone else, but Paige was hoping Ashley would show so Spinner left the door unlocked. Her mother's smile is the brightest, and she lists some good places for baby furniture for Spinner while Paige chews her muffin. Dylan, Marco, and J.T. were talking about some hockey game that aired last night, though Marco seems a bit lost, but less lost than she's feeling right now. She glances at Jimmy, pretending to be engaged in the hockey conversation. He looks the most lost, and she slides her chair back, settling into a chair next to his.
"A sugar packet for your thoughts?" says Paige, reaching for a packet and handing it to him.
Jimmy takes it, shrugs. "Sorry. I'm really excited for you, guys. Just dealing with a lot."
"Where's Ash?" asks Paige. "She's not acting much like a best friend right now. Of course, I'll pardon her if there's a good reason."
"She's not acting much like a wife right now, either, so we're both in the same boat," whispers Jimmy, then noticing Paige's concerned expression. "Do you know what happened on this camping trip?"
Paige looks down at her hands, covered in crumbs. Ashley and Craig obviously did something.
"Not the particulars, but I can guess," she answers. "Jimmy, she cares about you. I know that's weird to hear considering whatever happened. But she cares."
"Do you think we have a chance? Me and Ash? Because Paige, I've never been in love with anyone else. No one."
"I wish I could say yes," says Paige. "But I honestly don't know."
Jimmy and Paige exchange awkward looks as Spinner stands, tapping his champagne glass with a fork.
"Friends, family," says Spinner over the hum of the room. "Thank you for coming out to celebrate with us. I'd like to say a few words, hopefully smart ones."
Everyone chuckles, and Spinner heads to Paige, kisses her cheek. Paige blushes, twirling the napkin on the table. He's already made such a big deal about this, she thinks. And didn't he pick up that she was less than enthused? She went over the numbers last night, and financially, it would be very tough. They might even have to sell one of their cars.
"When I first saw Paige, I was so stunned by her hotness, and yeah, a bit confused by her wit. But I get confused easily. Anyway, I was more confused that she gave me the time of day. But I'm so glad she did, because I can't think of a kinder, more intelligent, more beautiful girl to be the mother of my kid. We've been through a lot, but nothing like this. Still, I love her and this person we're about to meet so it'll be all good in the end. And if it's a boy, I'll treat you all to a free dinner...not that I have anything against girls...sorry Jimmy."
Jimmy cracks a smile. "That's fine, man."
"Paige, would you like to speak?" whispers Spinner, kneeling down to her.
Paige grins nervously. "I think you said it all, honeybee."
"You don't want to at least say a little something?" says Spinner.
She notices the warm, excited look in his eyes, and she feels herself weakening. He's so happy and I'm so anxious, she thinks. She could pretend, just for a minute or two. Standing, she taps her glass of apple cider, and glances around the table.
"So, thanks for coming, and I'll make this short and sweet," says Paige. "It's excellent to have friends like you. I mean, Hazel's flying in from New York tomorrow just to see if I have my head on straight. Some friends couldn't be here, but..."
She's interrupted by the tinkle of the door opening, Ashley coming towards them, dressed in a dowdy grey shirt and sweatpants, as if she hadn't slept well the night before.
"Hey," she says, awkwardly, her eyes set on Jimmy.
Jimmy stares at the floor, and Paige can see tears at the edges of his eyes.
"Ash?" says Paige, trying not to sound startled. "We didn't think you were coming."
Paige looks at the other members of the party. They all appear rattled, particularly Marco, who twists in his chair like he can't sit still. The exception is her mother, who asks Spinner to set down a place for Ashley.
"No thanks, Ms. Michalchuk," speaks up Ashley. "Just came to see Jimmy."
"You're not staying for the party?" says Ms. Michalchuk, sounding a tad offended.
"It's okay, Mom," defends Paige. "Ash and I...we'll celebrate later."
Ashley gives her a sorrowful smile. "Definitely."
Paige sits back down, throws Marco a confused look. The bags under Ashley's eyes are quite visible."Are you coming home?" says Jimmy, softly.
"Jimmy, can we go somewhere to talk?" asks Ashley.
Jimmy bangs the table with his fork, hard. The sound makes Ashley and the others jump. He stares at Ashley intensely, and Paige can feel an increase in heat in the air-conditioned restaurant.
"I really don't feel like talking now, Ash," he says, calmly. "Are you coming home?"
"That's a problem, because I want to talk," exclaims Ashley. "Why would I come home after that? Jimmy, how could you do this? This is totally brutal, over the line. You're punishing me! You can't do this!"
Everyone looks at Ashley, nervously. Spinner furrows his brow, shrugs at Paige. Paige shakes her head, rests her chin in her hands.
"Why don't you tell them what you're doing, Ash?" says Jimmy, coldly smiling at the others. "I'll do it. She's leaving me...for Craig."
"What...what's going on?" whispers Spinner in Paige's ear.
"She decided over the weekend, some eventful weekend that apparently means more than five years of marriage," continues Jimmy, his voice raising in volume with each word. "I guess the sex was that good, wasn't it?"
Tears start to fall down Ashley's cheeks, and she's trying hard to catch her breath.
"That's enough, Jimmy," mutters Marco, though it's loud enough for them all to hear.
"Marco, no offense, but you're not the one lying to a sad five-year old about where her mother is," says Jimmy.
"No, you're just the one taking her mother away from her!" exclaims Ashley, finally finding her breath.
"What?" shouts Paige. "Jimmy?"
"I'm protecting her!" defends Jimmy.
"From what?" demands Paige.
"From all this mess, Ashley."
" Jimmy, I can't believe you!" shouts Paige.
Jimmy ignores Paige's outburst, squinting his eyes at Ashley.
"It wasn't my idea," says Jimmy, his voice softening. "But it's the only way I can make you realize what a huge mistake this is. Just come home and we'll forget the trip and the paperwork and whatever else."
"So this wasn't your idea?" snaps Ashley. "Jimmy, after all this time, you still let your dad control your life, play these sick little mind games."
Paige could tell Ashley touched a nerve, and she wishes she told her to pull back, that maybe Jimmy was about to listen to her. The mention of Mr. Brooks just stoked the fire.
"Hold on!" says Jimmy. "My dad cares about me, more than you. He doesn't desert me when things get a little difficult, like you. Or treat me like I don't mean anything, like you."
"I was there for you in the hospital, at home, all the time!" cries Ashley. "I treated you well."
"Yet you spend a few nights with Craig, and that goes out the window. He must have you really whipped to leave everything for him."
"I have a mind of my own, Jimmy! I seem to be the one using mine, unlike you."
"Please. He sings one note, and your knees buckle, your morals go out of wack. There's no way I'm letting him near my kid. You guys can do whatever you want, but if you want to be all irresponsible and stupid, you're gone too, Ash. You're leaving Leslie out of it. Drop Craig and I'll drop the suit."
"I'm not dropping him," says Ashley.
"I'm not dropping the suit then. You can come get your stuff, say bye to Les on Saturday, and then she's done with you, just like me."
Paige is a bit surprised to see Spinner leave her, put a supportive arm on Jimmy's shoulder.
Jimmy's words suck the life out of Ashley. Paige can tell by her face, now not only tired, but fearful. The room is completely silent, much quieter than before. Paige couldn't fathom it, all this drama between them, over a kid. She touches her stomach, feels a small flutter. She hopes she never has to go through this, watching Ashley turn and go out the restaurant, let her child go through something like this.. But as a new mother, she at least knows this, that as much as you want to protect them, you can only do so much, and hopefully, it's enough.
III.
Ellie rolls down the car window, sticks her head out slightly and peers down the road. She smells salt, which she finds odd, and tries to catch Sean's eye. The conversation as he drove was very light, mainly about Ellie having no idea where they were headed. He keeps his eyes straightforward, parking the car on the side, under the shade of a tree. Getting out first, he grabs a blanket, then lets Ellie out without saying a word.
She turns, looks out past a little clearing, and sees sand, water lapping against it. Sean smiles, puts a hand on her back, leads her to the middle of the beach. It takes her about three minutes to realize where they were. It had been about seven years since they were there. Wasaga. She rightfully has mixed feelings about this place. It was where they first broke up, where Sean realized he had to stay after the shooting. However, this was where they later came to see Tracker and his wife, and Sean's parents, who had warmed up to Ellie. Those were nice days, full of barbeques, walks on the beach, moonlit swimming. Those nights, Ellie was less inhibited, letting Sean rub her back through her one-piece suit, hold her as the waves crashed against their bodies when they swam, not agitated by the wet sand staying between her toes. She thinks she hasn't felt that way in forever, as Sean unfurls a blanket so they can sit down.
"You come here often?" asks Ellie, stretching out her legs.
"When I need to," says Sean, taking off his shoes. "Plus it's nice to see my family. But I like being alone too."
"Me too," agrees Ellie, rubbing her boot.
Sean laughs. "Can't enjoy the beach with those things on. Take 'em off, Nash."
Ellie rolls her eyes, a shy smile on her lips. "Fine."
As her boots and socks come off, a nice salty breeze blows on her feet. It's nice and she closes her eyes.
"What are you thinking about?" says Sean, after a few seconds.
"The truth? How much work I could be doing at this moment," says Ellie.
Sean sighs. "We gotta take care of that. Come on, let's go."
He grabs her hand, Ellie squealing in protest. They head to the water's edge, and Ellie views a number of shells and rocks through the blue-green water. Something small and see-through glides by her left foot.
"Jellyfish!" screams Ellie, letting Sean's hand go and moving about in the water, making small waves. "I saw one!"
"There's no jellyfish here," says Sean. "I grew up here, remember?"
"I saw it, Sean!" says Ellie.
"Okay, wait," says Sean, sifting through the water.
Ellie watches him closely, holds her breath. Sean pulls his hand back, moaning loudly.
"Sean!" cries Ellie. "Did it get you? Let me see."
Sean lets her see his hand. Perfectly fine.
"Got attacked by a plastic bag," says Sean, pulling out the bag and waving it in front of her face. "Way worse than a jellyfish."
Ellie punches him. "I hate you!" she exclaims, giggling.
"You don't hate me," says Sean, smiling.
"Yes...yes, I do!" laughs Ellie.
"You don't hate me...because now you're not thinking about work, are you?"
Ellie nods. "No, I'm not. I'm thinking about something else."
"What?" says Sean.
Ellie knocks him over, Sean falling into the water, his pants and his T-shirt completely soaked. Ellie claps happily, does a little victory dance.
"Now we're even," says Ellie, doing one more little shimmy.
"Okay, okay," says Sean, getting up, shaking himself.
They head back to the blanket, Sean shivering.
"You're really mean," says Sean, grinning at her.
"Be a man, Cam," replies Ellie, clapping him on the back.
She hasn't smiled this much since the last time they were together, the night before the miscarriage. The night before, they were watching a horrible movie on cable, something about zombies eating kids. It was all very morbid, but it did spark up talk about them having kids. Ellie slept soundly that night, not knowing that the real horror would come the next day. Life stinks that way sometimes, she thinks. A frown replaces the smile that was on her face.
"Sean, you're being really nice...I mean, considering. Not that I didn't expect you to be nice," stammers Ellie, trying to find the words.
"Why wouldn't I be nice? El, I get that you wanted something else. Maybe someone else," says Sean.
Ellie raises her eyebrows in confusion. "No, it wasn't about Craig."
"It wasn't? I just assumed because you went with him on tour months later and..."
"Craig and I...we didn't even work this time around, Sean. When I left, the circumstances had nothing to do with him."
"Oh," says Sean, looking into her eyes. "Can I ask why?"
Ellie traces a finger along the hem of the blanket, tears threatening to fall at any moment.
"There was this situation...this baby," whispers Ellie.
Sean sits up straight, his mouth open.
"It was ours, Sean," whispers Ellie, the tears now coming out. "It was ours. And that was it...I can't have any more kids."
Sean closes his mouth, covers it. Ellie sees that his eyes are shiny. She reads it as shock, or hurt. He sniffles, and she knows he's also on the verge of tears.
"Umm...were you in any pain?" asks Sean, uncovering his mouth.
Ellie shakes her head. "Not much. The emotional pain, that was bigger. I couldn't be with you...I couldn't give you what you wanted."
"But I wanted you, El!" whispers Sean, urgently. "I wanted...I can't...I tried to call all those times..."
"I know," interrupts Ellie. "It was wrong of me to push you away. But being with you hurt so much."
Sean starts to cry silently, shivering more violently. Ellie turns her head, not being able to bare the sight. All that time he thought it was Craig, but this has to be worse. His tears fall faster and faster, and Ellie wishes he would speak. Was he thinking about their son and daughter dying, being unable to save them? He was such a protector. That's what she thinks about sometimes, that her body couldn't support him or her, that there was no way to save them.
"The sad part is...I think I would've made a good mom," says Ellie, wiping her eyes.
Ellie doesn't notice Sean taking her in her arms, but she feels it. They cry together, like they would've that day she lost the baby. They cry delayed tears, which hurt and heal.
IV.
In the studio, Craig listens to the phone ring for about the hundredth time, finally picks up. He can hear Mickey huffing angrily on the other end.
"I bought you that phone for a reason, Craig!" he barks. "I haven't talked to you in days. That'd be fine if you were on vacation, but you're freakin' recording an album!"
"There's personal stuff I've got to deal with," says Craig.
Mickey harrumphs. "Sounds like girl trouble to me. If Ellie's keeping you from doing what you need to do..."
"It's not Ellie, okay?" interrupts Craig loudly. "It's..."
Ugh, he gave Mickey the lead in to prod him some more.
"Oh, so there is a girl. Eddie told me one dropped by the studio. What's her name?"
"None of your business."
"Don't make me find it out, Craig!" yells Mickey. "You know I could do it."
Craig sighs. "Her name's Ashley Kerwin. We've been on and off...and on and off...and on. It's one of those. You got your story, now leave it be."
"Hmmm," mumbles Mickey. "She's a news anchor, right? I thought she was married."
"Almost divorced, actually. Mickey..."
"Cause if she is, we could really swing this. Oh, wow. That's really scandalous. We could pump that up in the papers, make it seem like you two are destined. Star-crossed, Romeo and Juliet thing...that would sell your music like hotcakes. Yeah, I'll start making calls."
"No! No! Mickey, there's a child involved. I want to keep this as private as possible."
Mickey chuckles. "Yeah, you're Craig Manning and no one will find out? You gotta be kidding me."
"Promise me, Mickey!" exclaims Craig. "It has to stay private."
"Ugh, this static...I gotta go, Craig. Get back to work. Bye," says Mickey, before Craig hears a dial tone.
Craig peers down at the cell phone in disgust, checks his messages, and sees a text message from Spinner. PAIGE PRGNT. PRTY 2. Just because my life's weird right now doesn't mean I can't wish her well, thinks Craig, heading out of the studio and driving to the restaurant. It's four, so he wagers Paige and Spin would be the only ones there, and Jimmy would thankfully be home by then. He immediately sees Paige, helping Spinner pile dirty cups into a bin.
"Hey, congratulations!" greets Craig, hugging Paige gently.
"Craig!" exclaims Paige, glancing nervously around. "We didn't know you could break away from the studio."
"For this? Yeah!" says Craig, beaming at her, then Spinner. "You must be excited."
Craig reaches out to shake Spinner's hand, but Spinner shoots him a dirty look and goes into the kitchen.
"Um, Jimmy's still here, so...," whispers Paige.
Paige is too late delivering the information, as Jimmy wheels out of the bathroom and stops dead in his tracks, glaring at Craig.
"Looking for your girl, Craig?" says Jimmy. "Or my wife?"
"Jimmy, I didn't know you'd be here, okay? I don't want to do this," says Craig.
"Then you shouldn't have started it!" exclaims Jimmy.
Craig rolls his eyes. "You started this, Jimmy. I never thought you'd stoop this low. What about Leslie? Are you thinking of her?"
"Yeah, I am! Ash isn't. Someone has to."
"I think your dad's thinking for you, and you're too much of a coward to stand up to him. He may control this state, but he can't control how I feel or how Ash feels. I'm not going, no matter what you do."
Jimmy starts to wheel towards Craig quickly, but Spinner holds him back. Craig does likewise, but Paige shakes her head and he steps back. Craig walks towards the door, his heart thumping hard against his chest.
"We'll see who's a coward when I take the stand," yells Jimmy behind him. "I'll see you in court."