XXIII. It's the Same Old Song
You're sweet as a honey bee
But like a honey bee stings
You've gone and left my heart in pain
All you left is our favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
It used to bring sweet memories
Of a tender love that used to be
Now it's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
A sentimental fool am I
to hear a old love song
And wanna cry
But the melody keeps haunting me
Reminding me how in love we used to be
Keep hearing the part that used to touch my heart
Saying together forever
Breaking up never
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
Precious memories keep a lingering on
Everytime I hear our favorite song
Now you're gone
Left this emptiness
I only reminisce
The happiness we spent
We used to dance on the music
Make romance through the music
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been goneIt's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
Ashley stumbles into the courthouse bathroom, mindlessly turning on a faucet, washing her hands. As the cool water slips over her skin, she stares at her reflection in the mirror. Mascara on her cheeks, red eyes, smudged lipstick. How could he? She ducks into a stall, slams the door, sits on the toilet, not caring about ruining her clothes. Taking a few sheets of toilet paper, she dots her eyes, wipes her nose. Taking a few breaths, she opens her purse, puts her hand over the bottle of Tricyclin. If Craig didn't keep his promise about sticking around, why she should keep hers about the pills? Besides, one wouldn't hurt.
Suddenly, she hears the door to the bathroom open. Quickly swallowing one pill, she puts the bottle inside her purse and zips it up.
"Ashley?" calls Kate, knocking on one stall and then another.
Kate finds her stall after the third try, opening the door Ashley forgot to lock. Ashley sobs, looks down.
"What happened, sweetie?" asks Kate, kneeling down beside her.
"Craig...Craig's leaving!" cries Ashley. "He said he wouldn't, but he is."
"Oh, honey, I...," begins Kate.
Ashley's lips tremble. "You were so right, Mom. You never trusted Craig, doubted him. I shouldn't have trusted him."
Kate strokes Ashley's knee through her stocking.
"No, Ashley, I was wrong," says Kate, softly.
Was this her mother? The one that had defended Jimmy on their wedding day, said Craig wasn't right for her?
"What?" whispers Ashley.
"He bought a house. That's a huge step. And he's willing to be beaten down by that vulture woman Carla in front of the courtroom, harassed by this media circus? For the past weeks, he's been recording, but has always made time to check on you, take care of you. I'm...a bit impressed. Alright, more than impressed. You should give him a chance. He'll come back."
Ashley shakes her head. "But..."
"But this is hard, I know. But so was your wedding day, and the day you decided to be with him, and the day you got the papers from Jimmy. There are many hard days, for both of you. Today is Craig's. If he doesn't believe he can be a good stepdad, but you do, you have to give him some time."
"I don't want to lose him," says Ashley.
Kate takes out a handkerchief from her purse, and dots her daughter's eyes. Ashley can't help but think what a dramatic contrast this is from their wedding day, when she was also crying over Craig, though Kate wasn't giving her any comfort. Now, she was telling her to have faith, in herself, in Craig.
"Ashley, you can't lose what you will always have. I saw your eyes when you were about to marry Jimmy, the doubt, the longing for someone else. Craig feels the same way or else he wouldn't go all through this just for you. Believe in something I never believed in until just recently."
"Believe in Craig?" says Ashley.
"In him and in yourself," replies Kate, lifting her daughter to her feet.
II.
Judge Winton walks to her seat, her eyes scanning the room. She nods approvingly, as Craig resumes his place on the witness stand.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I know emotions are running high, but please remember to keep proper decorum for the duration of these proceedings. Is Miss Kerwin present?"
Craig looks for Ashley, his chest burning. Didn't she understand? Based on Carla's questioning, the jury would think he was a drunk, violent, financially unstable nutcase. Cut him out of the equation, and Jimmy would go easy on her, maybe drop the suit. He couldn't stand in the way of her being with Leslie, watching her all those nights where she lost so much sleep, was so stressed. But seeing her run away from him about thirty minutes ago crumpled him. What is worse? Abandoning her or abandoning all hopes of her never being with Leslie?
The double doors to the courtroom open, with Ashley and Kate advancing to the front. Ashley doesn't look back at Craig, just takes her seat besides Liberty.
"Alright, we may proceed," says Judge Winton. "Miss Van Zandt, your witness. Mr. Manning, you are still under oath."
"Thank you, your honor," says Liberty, standing and heading towards Craig.
Craig crosses his legs, not at all ready to be shot in the foot again.
"Mr. Manning, may I be personal for a second?" says Liberty, pacing in front of the witness stand.
Craig shrugs, his leg nervously shaking. "Yeah...I guess."
"You and your father Albert...well, you didn't have the best relationship. Can you tell the court a little about it?" says Liberty.
"Umm...," mumbles Craig.
"Mr. Manning, just take your time. I know it's difficult, but I think it's crucial for the jury to hear."
Craig nods, casting a sad look at Joey, who appears just as uncomfortable.
"My dad...beat me. Whenever he got mad or felt a lot of pressure," says Craig, tears casing his eyes.
"How did that make you feel?" asks Liberty.
"Alone...scared...worthless. It hurt because I loved my dad. He just...he just couldn't change. I thought he could."
"So you know firsthand the ugliness of abuse. My opponent would have the jury believe that Mr. Manning is capable of physical abuse, but why would he do it if he knows how horrible the effects of abuse can be?"
"I'd never do that to a child," says Craig. "Whenever I have kids, I'd want them to be loved and protected, because I didn't always get that. I got it from my mom, and later from Joey. That's what they deserve."
"And Ashley?" prompts Liberty.
"She's been doing it for five years," says Craig, staring at Ashley with a sad smile. "She makes it look natural. I don't know how. She's lost sleep over this case, sacrificed her work pay so she could focus on this case, put up with so much."
Ashley's head is down, but Craig's pretty sure she's taking in every word.
"Mr. Manning, what were your intentions when you agreed to go on this camping trip?" asks Liberty.
"I wanted us to spend time together. My intentions weren't totally pure, but spending time with a friend you have more than friendly feelings for...I don't think that's evil. We hadn't seen each other in several years, so any time I could be with her, honestly I would've taken it. I don't regret it."
Liberty gives him a warm smile. "Do you have any regrets? I mean, your own work time has been limited, your relationship with Miss Kerwin has been broadcast for the whole world to see, and some seedier parts of your past have been revealed just this morning?"
"No, there's no regrets," says Craig smiling, grinning at Ashley. "I mean, the house. That was to help Ashley have a place of her own, and I know I bought it out of the blue, but I had hope. I hoped I could take care of her and Leslie."
Ashley looks up at him, her blue eyes twinkling.
"There's this room that would've been so perfect for her," says Craig, smiling at the jury. "It has great acoustics so Leslie could've sang and heard her voice bounce off the walls. She has a great voice. It's shockingly good. And I would've let her pick out whatever color room she wanted. I don't think she would've chosen pink. Maybe purple. I know Ash likes purple so maybe it's in her genes. I don't know."
Ashley wipes away a tear, blinks at Craig.
"I would've loved to have a home with them," says Craig, choking on the words. "Just don't punish Ashley for things I've done. She's a wonderful mom. I'm just not a wonderful boyfriend."
He glances over at Ellie, who stares back with a sullen face.
"I'm really sorry that I hurt Ellie. I just want her to be the happiest she can be, and I know that wasn't possible with us together. Should've handled it differently. But sometimes you have to let go to save what you have. Our friendship. And that night, she saved my life and I shouldn't have pushed her. Fact is she's saved me a lot, and I abused her friendship. But I'd always be there for her. I hope she knows that. I'm sorry."
From where he's standing, he can tell Ellie's crying a bit, her arms folded.
"Mr. Manning, do you think that if you left the situation, that Miss Kerwin could find someone better?" says Liberty.
"Maybe. I don't know," answers Craig. "I just know I would try to be better. I've always been better with her around."
Liberty confidently nods. "No further questions."
"You may step down, Mr. Manning," says Judge Winton.
Craig stands, walks to the row where Joey, Caitlin, and Angie sit. Joey stares at him, hard, but not as hard as Ashley. She offers him a nervous smile, which Craig doesn't see as he hangs his head. He does raise his head at one point, but his eyes find Jimmy's. To his surprise, Jimmy doesn't look spiteful, just contemplative. Carla, on the other hand, appeared livid.
"Your witness, Miss Arrow," says Judge Winton.
Carla straightens her suit jacket. "I'd like to call Eleanor Nash to the stand."
Visibly startled, Ellie heads to the witness stand, her long red hair waving behind her as she walks. She's sworn in, pulls down her sleeves, stares shyly at everyone in the room.
"Miss Nash, how long did you date Mr. Manning?" asks Carla.
"Around four and a half years," answers Ellie.
"Quite a long time then. That's longer than Mr. Manning and Miss Kerwin, I'd like to point out. Why do you feel your relationship was more successful?"
Ellie shrugs. "Um, I guess because we understand one another. Being in group allowed us to communicate pretty openly with each other. We gave each other space, which helped. I can honestly say we weren't complicated."
"You mean, not as complicated as Mr. Manning and Miss Kerwin?"
"Yeah, we were easy-going. We made do."
Carla smirks. "Interesting. Why do you think Mr. Manning would throw away such a healthy relationship for a weekend get away? Excitement?"
Ellie breathes in, then out. "Don't know. I've been there for him through some really brutal stuff."
"Brutal stuff that included being turned down by Miss Kerwin...twice?"
"Yes."
Craig quickly glances at Ashley, who shifts in her chair, scratching her forehead, refusing to look at Ellie. Carla throws a sharp look at Liberty, then turns to Ellie.
"My opponent was personal, so I feel the need to be as well. You're a cutter, are you not, Miss Nash?" asks Carla.
Craig is tempted to go console Ellie after a frightened expression covers her face. A tear slides down Ellie's nose.
"Yes," says Ellie, softly.
"Speak up please, Miss Nash," says Carla.
"Yes, alright!" sobs Ellie, loudly.
"Have you ever cut yourself because of Mr. Manning's interactions with Miss Kerwin?" prompts Carla.
Craig gulps. Please say no, he thinks. He has to hear her say no.
"Yes," sobs Ellie. "Yes."
Craig buries his face in his hands. What is happening with us? Ashley's on pills, Ellie's cutting, he's breaking promises. When would it all end? He stands, walks towards Ellie.
"Ellie...El, I'm sorry," says Craig.
The bailiff walks to him, stops Craig from going any further. Ellie shakes herself, tries to regain her breath.
"Just let me talk to her," begs Craig. "Ellie..."
"Now is not the time, Mr. Manning," says Carla, coldly smiling at him.
"Like you would know!" exclaims Craig. "Who are you to make her say she's a cutter in front of all of these people? You're heartless!"
"I'm not the one getting her to cut!" shouts Carla. "You're out of line, Mr. Manning. Why don't you sit down?"
"Mr. Manning, you've been warned," says Judge Winton. "Bailiff, take him out of my courtroom."
Craig sighs, looks one more time at Ashley. She shakes her head, as the bailiff leads him out. Craig walks into the sunshine, the heat of the middle of summer beating against his neck. He's instantly surrounded by several reporters, including Heather, who at least today wasn't trying to get inside.
"Craig, what happened in there?" asks Heather, shoving the microphone into his face.
"No comment," replies Craig, speaking to everyone as he jogs down the steps. "That goes for all of you."
III.
It's the green wallpaper, the dolphin posters, the comforter with the cloud pattern. These were from her childhood, but Emma doesn't feel any warmth by viewing them. She only feels loneliness, an alien in a familiar place. The first week at her parents', she was numb, not sure of what she ate, watched on TV, read in the newspapers, though she snapped out of it when she came across news snippets on Craig and Ashley. She was surprised when one week turned into two, and now three. Snake didn't say anything, but Emma didn't really expect him to. He was much too easy-going and calm to argue for or against Sean. Her mother just offered a sweet word or two, cooked for her even though Emma never asked her to. Jack? Well, Jack was Jack.
As she puts the cloud comforter over her head, Emma hears someone pounding on the outside of her door.
"What!" she exclaims.
"Wake up, ya blonde beanpole!" calls Jack through the door.
"Shut up, Jack!" shouts Emma.
"Fine, I'll just tell her to go away then," says Jack.
"Tell who?"
"You've got company."
Emma sits up. Sean. He'd finally come around. Checking her hair in the mirror, smoothing it out, she yells for Jack to open the door.
"You've got hot company," says Jack, with an amused smile on his face.
Emma wrinkles her nose. "Huh?"
Manny leaps into the room from the hallway, a paper bag in her hand. "Ta da!"
Emma flops back onto the bed, throws the blanket over her head.
"Some welcome!" complains Manny.
"Told you she was moody," says Jack. "Must be that time of the month, eh, beanpole?"
"Manny, hit him for me," says Emma from under the blanket.
Emma hears Jack wince softly, and knows Manny must've done what she asked. Then, she feels Manny hops on top of her, hugging through the blanket.
"Emmaline, Emmaline," says Manny, in a sing-song voice, tapping her head through the blanket.
"Stop it, or I'll call you Manuellita," threatens Emma.
"Don't get emo on me, pull a Craig," says Manny, getting off of her. "Come on, get up, and welcome the world. You'll get pale again and lose your tan, which trust me, you need."
Manny pulls the blanket off of her, and Emma rises, muttering the entire time.
"Why are you here?" says Emma.
"I haven't been able to reach you in weeks," says Manny. "Figured something was wrong, called your mom, and Spike told me about the Sean situation. So tell your BFF what the deal is."
Emma moans. "A certain red-haired ex. He spent two whole days with her, doing who knows what."
"Yeesh," says Manny. "Okay, well, I brought just the thing then."
Manny fetches the paper bag, hops back on the bed. Emma puts her knees to her chest.
"Ice cream," says Manny, pulling out a little carton. "Vanilla fudge, your favorite."
"How sweet," says Emma.
"And gin," says Manny, beaming.
"How necessary," says Emma, smiling even though she didn't want to.
"We should go clubbing tonight. Celebrate my presence and all that good stuff. Oh, and you getting your mind off Sean would be the bonus."
Emma laughs. "And Chris won't mind his fiancee partying it up?"
"Psssh, no. I have him wrapped around my finger. We can get more drinks if we need them."
"Like vodka?" teases Emma.
"I dare not risk the vodka," says Manny, in her best overdramatic voice. "To be placed in such an unpleasant experience where my bosom would be exposed and broadcast to innocent, impressionable boys, I would die...I would just simply die."
Emma giggles. "Gin, later. Ice cream, now."
Manny pulls out two plastic spoons, and they dig in. Emma's relieved, that this was actually helping. Still, Manny was no Sean, as much as she loved her best friend.
"You're thinking I'm no Sean," assumes Manny, licking the back of her spoon.
"Yeah," says Emma.
"He'll come back to you, Em," says Manny.
"How do you know?"
"I just do. The good guys...they always come back."
IV.
Craig tosses a peanut into an empty shot glass, rests his head on his elbow. The bartender shines a glass, and Craig can feel him staring at him. He hadn't drunk that much, not yet anyway. Craig's eyes peer up at a television monitor over the bar. Ever since he was forced to leave the courtroom, he'd been on automatic pilot, just letting his mood take him anywhere. He stopped by a convenience store where he saw magazines with him on the cover, a park where cameras snapped his picture, and now the bar where thankfully it was just him, the bartender, and a couple of men asleep on a table.
An attractive, brown-haired reporter appears on the screen, some footage of Ashley leaving the courthouse running as she talks. Craig's heart sank. She looks so disheveled and defeated, and I'm not there. Nothing is working out as he planned. Liberty asked if he had any regrets? No, but he certainly has some guilt.
"Today was quite a dramatic day in the Brooks vs. Kerwin custody battle," says the reporter. "Craig Manning took the stand earlier this morning, making a valiant plea to the jury to ignore past actions and focus on Miss Kerwin's apt mothering skills. In fact, it sounds as if Mr. Manning may remove himself from the situation and let Miss Kerwin raise the child on her own. Also present was Eleanor Nash, a former girlfriend, who has remained out of the eye of the public until now. She has not taken the break-up with Manning well, even to a point where she is cutting herself after not having done this in years. However, Miss Van Zandt's questioning of Eleanor Nash tomorrow could bode well for Miss Kerwin. The two were formerly friends, and after Carla Arrow's decimation of Miss Kerwin's character, Miss Nash could side with Kerwin. It could go either way, based on insiders. It depends where Nash's loyalties lie. The jury seemed sympathetic to Mr. Manning's testimony, but also looked cautious when his near arrest in Tokyo was revealed. It's definitely not a black and white case, and tune in for the ten o' clock news for the latest developments."
Craig orders another shot, downs it, stares at the counter top.
"How come when you guys have sex, something really dramatic happens afterwards?" says a voice to his right.
Craig glances over his shoulder. Joey.
"How'd you find me?" asks Craig, twirling his glass.
"I know the bartender," says Joey, waving at the man. "Hey Dwayne!"
Dwayne waves back, goes back to polishing the glass.
"Sold out," mumbles Craig. "Who don't you know on Degrassi Street?"
"First, let me be a dad," says Joey, sitting in the stool next to him. "How much have you had?"
Craig shakes his head. "Not that much, considering. I can see straight."
"Okay, now let me be a friend," says Joey, putting an arm around him. "It's going to get better."
"How can it get better, Joey?" demands Craig. "I can't erase all this mess in my past. I'm making Ellie cut, making Ash unhappy. I can't be with the woman I want, and the girl that was my best friend hates me. There is no better."
"Where's the Craig I know, huh?" says Joey, warmly. "The one that ran out of the studio for the girl he loved, or the one that went to Vancouver when he had no idea what would happen? We don't know what's going to happen, Craig, so you have to keep pressing."
That Craig. He recalls the day after he ran out of the studio, when they were so happy, sitting outside Joey's. Ashley hadn't stopped smiling, and neither had he. From then on, they thought it would be easy, never mind that his friends hated him at that moment, or that her mother wasn't too fond of them either.
"I can't believe you ran out of a recording session for me," said Ashley, resting her head on his shoulder.
Just touching her again gave him butterflies.
"Yeah, well, there'll be others," said Craig, kissing the top of her head. "But there won't be other Ashleys."
"There better not be," says Ashley, playfully punching his leg.
"But you know. There's Ashley Judd, Ashley Olsen, Ashlee Simpson. All very hot Ashleys," teased Craig, hugging her to him.
She punched him lightly, just like the day before at the studio.
"No fair," she said. "You're the only Craig I'm thinking about."
"Okay, okay. I ban all other Ashleys from this moment on."
"Promise?"
"Yes, Ashley Kerwin. Ash."
Ashley pulled him in for another kiss.
"Last year seems a lifetime ago. That stuff with Manny. I was scared, and you brought me back in. Thanks for believing in us."
Craig strokes her hair, feels the sun warm both of them.
"I've never had so much faith before," he said.
Faith. Where is it now? Did it run off the way Ashley did?
"That Craig is currently being persecuted," says Craig, running a hand through his hair.
"I meant what I said on the stand. I admire you so much," says Joey. "I know you can be a stepdad, a husband, whatever you want."
Joey pats him on the back, is about to say something else, but is interrupted by his cellphone ringing.
"Hold on," he says to Craig, picking up the phone. "Yeah?"
Craig stares at the shot glass. It wasn't helping at all. He slides it to Dwayne, who gives him a thumbs up, then disappears into a backroom. Maybe Joey's right. This doubt was just making things ten times worse. He and Ashley were both heartbroken, and Ashley believed in him enough to almost ask him to marry her. Maybe it could work.
"Ugh, don't make me do it," says Joey, smiling into the phone.
Caitlin, thinks Craig, smiling. He could tell by the way Joey's face has lit up. If he calls Ash, maybe he'd get the same reaction. He loved seeing her face that way.
"Fine," says Joey, then he begins to sing, "I just called to say I love you, I just called to say how much I care...there, you happy? I love you. Bye."
Craig chuckles as Joey hangs up the phone.
"Like you and Ash don't have a song," defends Joey, blushing. "I don't want you driving. You're not that drunk, but just promise me. You need a ride?"
"I'll take a cab," says Craig. "I can't risk you singing again."
"Fine," says Joey.
He pats Craig on the back, leaves the bar. Craig offers to pay Dwayne for the drinks before he goes, but Dwayne says no, you could use a break. Thanking him, he asks Dwayne to look out for his car, and gets a cab. Leaning his head against the cab's backseat, the cabbie turns on the radio, hums along.
"I don't know if you'll forgive me, for being so blind to how you felt," he hears.
Dust. Their song, so clear, so sharp, still so applicable to what he and Ash were going through.
"Turn it up, please," asks Craig.
The cabbie nods, does a double take when he realizes that yes, the singer of the song that's playing is in his car.
"What I know is that I hurt you, oh, what I know is that I suck, and what I know is that I'm sorry."
He is sorry, sorry for building up their dreams, and pulling out, sorry for adding stress she doesn't need, sorry for it all. He flips open his phone, hoping it's not too late, finding that Craig Joey talked about, the one who believes until he can't believe anymore. He gets her voicemail and frowns.
"Ashley," he says into the phone. "I don't want you to think I have no faith. I just...lost it for awhile. I'm sorry. I've got faith in you, in us. When I ran out of the studio, when I waited for you that summer, when I went on this camping trip. It's still here, okay?"
He clicks off the phone.
"That the Dust girl?" asks the cabbie.
"Yes," replies Craig.
"I'm pulling for you guys. Like those romantic stories. They always work out in the end."