Disclaimer: I don't own A Series of Unfortunate Events or anything therein. No profit was made, etc. etc. etc.
Chapter Two
The primary function of a newspaper is to inform the general public with correct, updated information which details the happenings of the world with simple, precise, and for the most part easy to understand prose. Newspapers usually contain a front page which includes major happenings, local events, and far too much politics for its own good. Subsequent sections that follow are sure to include things such as movie listings, anonymous advice from people who seem to think they are wise and insightful, weather forecasts, and critiques, called editorials, which are supposed to represent the personal standpoint of the writer but quite actually turn out to be grounds for job termination. Those who are in charge of publishing the newspaper should check the validity of the information they put into print rather than unfairly dismissing a critique writer who was merely expressing his personal opinion as his job title had warranted.
Unfortunately, the Daily Punctilio was not a valid and highly reliable source for news, let alone critiques and editorials. The Baudelaire children had known this ever since the paper had printed an incorrect and highly damaging article about them – though they were listed as Veronica, Susan, and Klyde – and their involvement with the murder of Count Olaf, who had been printed as "Count Omar" and who in reality had really been Jacques Snicket. Though the newspaper had caused a great deal of damage to them, the Baudelaires waited for the newest edition of the Daily Punctilio with baited breath – a phrase here which means "eagerly and anxiously" rather than "with their breath smelling of worms in an attempt to catch fish." Their consciences would not let them rest until they knew just who had escaped with their lives and who had not been so fortunate.
"How are we going to get a newspaper?" Violet asked with a frown. She and her siblings were readying themselves for their first day of chores in the small, meager room they all shared. Though all three of them were not looking forward to receiving long lists of chores from Olaf once again, they were far more concerned with finding out details of the Hotel Denouement fire.
Klaus sighed. "I don't think Olaf subscribes to the Daily Punctilio." He replied, trying his hardest to remember if there was ever a time he had stumbled across a copy of the publication during their first stay with the count. "How can we get our hands on a copy?" asked the middle Baudelaire aloud.
Sunny yawned sleepily from where she stood by the window. "Thieve." She said, looking over her shoulder at her siblings.
"Yes, Olaf is a thief." Klaus agreed. "But that doesn't help us figure out how to find a newspaper."
Violet took a step forward and pointed out the window. "No, look! Olaf's sneaking over into Justice Strauss' yard and taking her newspaper!"
There was a long moment where none of the Baudelaires said anything. Instead they watched as Olaf walked next door, looking both ways just before setting foot in the justice's yard and pilfering the newspaper – a term here which means "taking the highly incorrect publication in his greedy hands and sneaking back into his house carefully so as not to be observed taking something that did not belong to him."
"If Olaf's bringing it back here to read it, then that means it'll be here somewhere in the house. Do you think we could manage to sneak a look at it somehow?" Klaus wondered.
"I'm sure that we could." Violet nodded. "If we go downstairs and split up to do our chores, we could make sure that at least one of us is around Olaf. When he puts the newspaper down and walks away, one of us can put the article in our pocket." She suggested.
"Headlines?" Sunny asked, meaning, "How will we know which pages we need to take out?"
Violet smiled. "The fire was so big it's bound to be on the front page."
"There's an obituary section towards the back of the paper, usually. But the names may be included in the article itself." Klaus added. "We should just focus on getting the front page. That's the most important thing."
"How are we going to split up?" asked Violet. "Olaf always gives us chores do to all over the house." The eldest Baudelaire remembered back to when Olaf had presented them with lists of chores which ranged from simple requests such as washing dishes and sweeping the floors to preparing dinner. However, when you are fifteen years old and younger, none of those tasks are relatively easy ones and not even one is pleasant to look forward to doing, let alone an entire list full of them.
Klaus thought silently for a moment. "I think that Sunny should work in the kitchen. She's a good cook and can take her time washing whatever dishes he has stacked up in the sink." He pointed out, expecting that every dish the count owned was dirty and resting in the kitchen sink. "If Olaf comes to get more wine and reads the newspaper there, she can rip out the front page when he leaves."
"A la mode!" Sunny exclaimed which meant, "Leave it to me to carry out this important plan!"
Violet sighed. "The rest of the chores are usually scattered on the first and second floors." She recalled with a frown.
"I'll take the bottom floor and you can be responsible for the top." Klaus suggested. "It's a lot of work but at least that way one of us will be close to Olaf."
Though she did not like the idea of having to complete chores on an entire floor by herself, Violet agreed. "I think that once we get to read the Daily Punctilio's article, our minds will be more at ease." She said, sounding slightly unsure.
There is a widely overused and terribly unhelpful phrase that I am sad to say fits this particular situation. The saying "ignorance is bliss" suggests that not knowing certain information will put a person's mind at ease. However, this phrase proves to be wrong on two accounts. The first being, the Baudelaire children did not have minds that were at ease because of their ignorance concerning the article that filled the entire front page that day. In fact, they were preoccupied with the events of the Hotel Denouement fire and felt a dreadful anxiousness about not knowing what had happened. Secondly, I must say that the Baudelaires did not feel any more at ease after reading the Daily Punctilio than they did before reading it. I am sorry to write that, if anything, they felt more anxious and preoccupied after reading the article. Either way, both situations would not be described as blissful, though one might be arguably slightly more pleasant than the other.
Count Olaf was just shutting the door behind him by the time the Baudelaire children descended the stairs. He grinned toothily at them, folding up the newspaper and tucking it under his arm. "Good morning, orphans." The count greeted. "Breakfast is on the table. I don't think I need to mention that I won't be doing the dishes after you're finished."
The children followed Count Olaf to the kitchen table which held four large bowls of oatmeal. All three of the Baudelaires swallowed as they saw fresh raspberries neatly arranged on top of each meal. The last time the count's kindness – if such treacherous villains could be said to have something resembling kindness in their characters – had extended this far he had been hatching a scheme to marry Violet and secure the children's inheritance.
"Well? Sit down." Olaf encouraged, setting his folded newspaper down on the table and taking his seat. The three Baudelaires followed his lead. "Would you like me to show you that your oatmeal hasn't been poisoned once again?" He reached over, plucked a raspberry from Violet's bowl, and popped it into his mouth. "I thought you orphans would've learned by now that I wouldn't poison you."
The phrase "not all of us" sounded in Klaus's head but he did not say so. All of the children stared curiously into their bowls, wondering in silence just what Olaf had in store for them.
"Hurry and eat before it gets cold. If it sits too long, it'll stick to the bowls and you'll spend all day trying to scrape it off." Olaf warned as the three children hesitantly lifted their spoons and took a bite. "You don't have time to waste scrubbing oatmeal. You have a lengthy list of chores waiting for you." The count announced, placing a long rolled up piece of paper on the table. Then, he unfolded the newspaper noisily and began to shuffle through its pages.
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny felt their first bite of breakfast shifting around in their stomachs. However, this was not due to the fact that the count had just affirmed they would be performing a list of chores that would undoubtedly take them all day to finish. Their stomachs turned at the sight of the Daily Punctilio rustling in front of them. For a brief moment their eyes caught sight of the headline "Hotel Denouement – Fiery Inferno of Doom" with a large picture of the building engulfed in a curtain of flames and smoke underneath it. Unfortunately for the Baudelaires, they were all seated too far away from Olaf to read any part of the article nor were they quick enough to catch anything past the headline. The count settled on the editorial section, now one of the most biased and unpleasant sections of the Daily Punctilio, folding the front page back so that it was hidden from view. While he read, Olaf ate his portion of oatmeal.
When at last he had finished, the count rose from the kitchen table, abandoning his empty bowl while he walked, reading the unimportant mass of words with rapt attention – a word here which means "reading the words and not looking where he was walking which made anyone who saw him wonder just how Count Olaf managed to walk all the way upstairs without once taking his eyes off the newspaper." The children finished their meal in silence.
"It looks like you'll be the closest one to him, Violet." Klaus said once everyone was finished as he gathered all of the breakfast dishes and placed them on the counter. He reorganized the sink and filled it with soapy water, helping Sunny submerge the oatmeal covered bowls before they had a chance to stick.
Violet nodded, reviewing the list of chores thoughtfully. "Are you two going to be alright down here?" She asked.
"Yes." Klaus affirmed. "I'll be able to do the work and help Sunny if she needs."
Sunny shook her head. "Stepstool," she returned, which meant something like, "I can stand on this chair and do the dishes fine without any help, but thank you very much for the offer."
Reaching into a cabinet, Violet removed the cleaning supplies she would need. "He wants us to wash the windows and sweep the floors. I'll take this and do the upstairs windows while you sweep, then we can switch." She said.
"Good idea." Klaus agreed, drying off his hands and retrieving the broom. "And good luck."
"Thanks." Violet smiled turning to leave. She ascended the stairs, cleaning supplies in hand. Nervously she approached the room where the Baudelaires had seen Olaf disappear into. As she turned the knob she could see him, seated on an old, broken down couch, newspaper still in his hands. Without a word, she went to work on the windows.
The count did not look up from his paper. "You think it's more efficient to split up, do you?" Olaf said aloud with a smirk.
Violet turned her back on him and began running her cloth over the surface of the glass. She could hear another rustling of paper which settled and gave way to the broken and debatably intentional half-mutterings of Count Olaf.
"You've made the newspaper for the last time." He chuckled. "And you, though I doubt you could even read a newspaper. And you, you cad!" Olaf wheezed softly to himself. "How unlucky for you to have been there! And look what they've said about you!" There was a long, silent pause where all Violet could hear was a long, raspy wheezing. "Oh," he said, "I didn't know they were still in there."
The rustling of papers filled the air once more, but as Violet glanced over his shoulder, she could see that the newspaper had fallen to the ground as Olaf sat, his long fingers pressed to his eyes, as if shielding him from some unwanted news he had just discovered. However, whether the count was dismayed or relieved about what he had read, the eldest Baudelaire was not sure. All she knew was how hot the lump in her throat was the moment she took a few brave steps forward and laid eyes on what immediately followed the headline declaring the hotel an inferno of doom.
Newspapers should endeavor to check the accuracy of their stories. However, as I have said before, the Daily Punctilio is more concerned with dismissing hard working employees from their jobs rather than supplying the general public with factual information. I am very sorry to say that this article was no exception to the newspaper's blatant inaccuracy. The article's headline read, "Hotel Denouement – Fiery Inferno of Doom – why did High Court Justice Strauss turn this gathering place into a death trap?"