XXIX. Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart)
Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart) is the property of Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye.
You're alone all the time
Does it ever puzzle you
Have you asked why
You seem to fall in love and out again
Do you really ever love
Or just pretend, oh, baby
Why fool yourself
Don't be afraid to help yourself
It's never too late, too late to
Stop, look, yes, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Stop, look, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Love, oh, love, love
Though you try, you can't hide
All the things you really feel
This time decide
That you will open up, let it in
There's no shame in sharin' love you feel within
So jump right in
Head over heels and fall right in
It's never too late, too late to
Stop, look, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Stop, look, oh, listen to your heart
Clutching a black rabbit with a blue bow, Ellie taps timidly on the door of Ashley's hospital room, hearing a slight shuffling of what she thinks is sheets. There's no answer. She taps again, debating whether to come back later.
"Come in," says Ashley, forcing Ellie to settle her nerves.
Ellie sighs, opens the door.
"Better late than never," says Ellie, shrugging.
She notes that Ashley's face appears somewhat troubled, but the smile there seems inviting , real.
"Hey... I was kinda expecting you," replies Ashley. "I'm glad you came."
Ellie assesses the presents from the other visitors. There are at least twelve bouquets of flowers, a dozen cards, three fruit baskets.
"Thought I'd be different," says Ellie, handing her the rabbit.
"Awww, thanks," says Ashley, grinning.
Ellie takes up a stool, sets it next to her bed, and sits. On the way there, she'd come up with things she would say, but none of them could really alleviate the awkwardness of that moment. Two days ago, they weren't speaking. She basically laid into Ash in court. Then, the last time they saw one another, Ash was staring sadly at her before slipping into unconsciousness.
"Ash, what I said on the stand, I...," starts Ellie.
"No need, Ellie," says Ashley. "I'm sorry I accused you all those years ago, and I'm sorry that you got hurt by me being with Craig. And, of course, I'm sorry this is such a late apology."
Ellie smiles. "I missed you, Ash."
Ashley reaches out her arms to hug her, and Ellie grants her access. It feels good to hold a friend. Ellie sniffles, knows tears are coming.
"So these pills? Did you start them when the case started?" asks Ellie. "Sorry to pry."
"I've been taking them for years," replies Ashley. "First, for work. Then...um, my marriage."
Ellie crosses her legs. "What does...Craig have to say about it?"
Right away, Ellie can tell she's touched a nerve. Ashley folds her arms, stares into her lap. Well, this talk is going well, she thinks. Ashley releases a breath, but continues to speak.
"He wants me to go to the States for a treatment program," says Ashley. "He wants to get rid of me."
"Ash, I'm sure that's not true," counters Ellie. "If you need help, you should get help. Craig probably doesn't want you to go through any more bad stuff. Neither do I."
Ellie believes Ashley's eyes soften for a bit, but Ashley remains cool, collected. She knew Craig or anyone else would have a hard time breaking her down. Maybe she could try again.
"This isn't just about yourself. You have a daughter who needs you," says Ellie.
"That's why I'm staying. I'll get the stupid treatment, but I'm not deserting my child. I don't care if a thousand television cameras are following me," says Ashley, sternly.
"Ash, sometimes you have to leave the ones you love behind for awhile to get better. My mom's drinking stressed me out so much that I cut. So I left. Then I moved back home. You leaving doesn't mean the same things won't be here when you get back."
"El..."
"None of us want to see you like this again. We care enough about you to voice our concerns. We could be saying nothing. Just think about it, okay?"
"Okay," says Ashley, softly.
Ellie stands, gives Ashley a weak smile, and leaves the room. Turning a corner, she views Paige, Spinner, and Leslie hovered over a portable DVD player. Leslie increases the volume, while Paige, a pen to her lips, watches it intently.
"Okay, so why does the mouse want to take over the world again?" questions Paige.
Leslie rolls her eyes, and Ellie can't help but be reminded of Ashley in her younger years.
"He just does, okay? He's on a power trip," says Leslie, as if for the millionth time.
"Dude, I love this one," says Spinner. "Pinky's going to make Brain land straight into a wall."
"So kids are actually into this stuff?" inquires Paige.
Leslie nods. "Cartoons are the best."
"Why don't you watch any of the modern ones?" says Spinner. "There's the one with the ninja bats and the fighting memaids...dude, it's awesome."
"They stink!" exclaims Leslie.
"No, they don't!" argues Spinner.
"Yes, they do!"
"Okay, quiet, you two," says Paige, writing down something. "I'm planning ahead to see what I'd let my kid watch. So far, it's this and Sesame Street. And Spin, the fighting mermaid show...it bites."
"No, it doesn't," mutters Spinner under his breath.
Ellie advances to them, waves cautiously. "I like angsty anime," she chimes in.
Paige looks surprised to see her, raising her eyes. "Care to join in the cartoon controversy?" she says, looking at Spinner and Leslie who are still debating.
"No thanks...but can we talk?" replies Ellie.
Paige stands, and the two start down the hall, heading nowhere in particular. They find themselves on the elevator, then outside the cafeteria.
"Ashley's recent apology basically inspired me to say that I'm sorry to you. The whole self-absorbed spiel about your baby...shouldn't have said it," says Ellie.
"Yeah, but you were pretty much right," says Paige.
"Wait a second. Am I hearing things? Can you say that again?" teases Ellie.
"If you missed it the first time, that's your loss," says Paige, playfully bumping her on the side and entering the cafeteria. "Ugh, I totally want a peanut butter and chocolate syrup sandwich."
Ellie grimaces. "Ewww. That has to be the worst, funkiest craving ever."
"Spinner didn't bring me anything, the spazz. He had to drop Jimmy off at the Peterson exhibit."
"Oh, cool. I'm going to that exhibit. The use of shadow and light is really inspired. He was motivated by..."
"Ignoring you," says Paige, taking a seat on the bench and counting some money. "Sorry hon, way too distracted. Speaking of distractions, I saw the Degrassi knight in denim as we were coming in."
"Sean?" says Ellie, coyly, playing it off. "That's interesting."
"And there's his fair blonde maiden now," says Paige, nodding towards the cafeteria line.
Ellie glances quickly at the line, sights Emma, sliding down her tray towards the cashier.
"Must've came to see Ashley," says Ellie, as nonchalantly as possible.
"She doesn't look too happy," observes Paige. "Trouble in paradise, perhaps? Weirdness."
Ellie throws Emma another look. She can feel her face going tight. Staring back at Paige, she knows Paige is suspicious.
"Okay, and weirdness here. What's going on?" says Paige.
"Nothing...nothing," stammers Ellie.
"Are you and Sean..."
"No!"
"Mhmmm, the lady doth protest too much. How many love triangles are we going to have this summer?" says Paige, smirking.
Ellie blushes, looks at Emma, who has finished paying for her food. Emma does an aerial view of the cafeteria, grimaces at the tray, and tosses the contents into a nearby trashcan.
"Whoa," whispers Paige. "Did you see that?"
Emma not eating? Ellie swears her insides just got a hundred percent drier, like sandpaper.
Ellie swallows a lump in her throat. "Yeah...yeah, I saw it."
II.
In front of the painting, Jimmy feels powerless. That's one of the beauties of art, he realizes as his chair is parked before the picture. You don't have to know where it came from to enjoy it, or who produced it. It all flows. And if you stare hard enough at it, it can make sense. Things haven't made sense in awhile. The disappointment of losing Ashley, this new attraction to Tia, the fall-out with his father that morning, what Leslie needed.
The thought of Leslie spending more time with Craig than him clamped on his heart. Craig wasn't the one up at all hours of the night staying with her, or the one that knew her favorite things, or the one that made sure she was taken care of through all of this. Still, he knows that Craig would never hurt Leslie, and that was a low blow. On the other end, the thought of being a bachelor, of having a failed marriage under his belt, upset him too. Hadn't he tried? Why didn't Ashley try? Or maybe she did, and it wasn't enough, he thinks. Why be with someone who can't love you enough?
He hears heels moving across the floor, but he focuses on the painting. It's a shadowy man and a shadowy woman, reaching out, their blackened hands another to touch one another. Their faces are obscured, a solid white color. They stand under a moonlit sky.
"Looking for some inspiration?" asks Ellie, standing right next to him.
"Yeah," replies Jimmy.
"Remember when I was your inspiration?" says Ellie, smiling shyly at him.
"I pass by the mural everyday at work," replies Jimmy, returning the smile.
"How come we never dated?" says Ellie.
"You turned me down. You turned me down flat," laughs Jimmy.
"I wasn't that mean."
"It probably wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway."
"Well, not with that attitude," says Ellie, laughing. "No, you're right. What do you see in this?"
Jimmy backs up his wheelchair, looks at every corner of the picture. It'd been awhile since he did art, or thought much about it really.
"I see two people trying to hold onto something, something they can't have," says Jimmy.
"I think you're right," agrees Ellie.
"And...and they're afraid to let go. The shadow...it's the darkness around them, and it's blurry because they don't know what's in store if they leave," says Jimmy, more to himself than her.
"First love," whispers Ellie.
"Essentially. Hits home for me."
"Me too," says Ellie, and Jimmy can see tears casing her eyes.
"I don't believe I was Ash's first love. Craig was," says Jimmy, shaking his head.
"As for Craig...I think Ashley was his only love," adds Ellie. "It's tragically obvious."
Jimmy blinks at her. "You said you could relate. Are you...is it Sean?"
"It's always going to be Sean," says Ellie, wiping her eye. "That's what I'm afraid of."
Someone clears their throat behind him. Jimmy and Ellie turn to see Mr. Brooks. The way he's dressed almost makes Jimmy do a double-take. He'd seen his dad in leisure clothes, but only on vacation. He wears khakis and a white shirt.
"Dad!" exclaims Jimmy. "What are you doing here?"
"Gavin...Spinner. He told me you were here," says Mr. Brooks.
Ellie looks between the two of them. "Um, I'm going to take off. Guess I'll see you in court. Good night, guys."
"Night," says Mr. Brooks.
Jimmy waves, and Ellie exits the room. Mr. Brooks stares at the painting, Jimmy nervously hanging his head.
"So...I listened to you, though I don't blame you for thinking I haven't been listening to you," says Mr. Brooks, not looking at his son.
Jimmy remains silent, but raises his head.
"Putting Leslie on the stand, not the best move, and I should've checked with you, instead of being persuaded by Carla. Sending Ashley the custody papers...didn't turn out how I imagined. In fact, turned out pretty terrible."
"You didn't know this would happen, Dad," says Jimmy.
"No...no, that's not an excuse," says his father, finally gazing at Jimmy. "And there's no excuse for me trying to control things I shouldn't. Sometimes I still think you're in the hospital, so weak, but you're not. You made it through. And I'm glad you...I'm glad you coach, that you inspire people. You inspire me. But this art stuff? It'll take me some time to get."
Jimmy rolls to his father and Mr. Brooks pulls him into a hug, He feels stronger than his father at this moment, the strength he wishes his father saw in him coursing through his muscles, his blood, his heart. Thankfully, as Mr. Brooks rubs Jimmy's back, he's starting to see, to look at the whole picture. Mr. Brooks releases Jimmy, a tear going down his nose.
"We can start here," offers Jimmy.
"Um, I don't know," says Mr. Brooks.
"Come on, Dad," says Jimmy, gesturing toward the picture. "What do you see?"
Mr. Brooks squints his eyes, but they soon relax. "Two people trying to understand each other?"
"Sounds like a slam dunk answer to me," replies Jimmy.
III.
Craig's grateful to see that the door to Ashley's room is open, though he stops in his tracks when he sees the same nurse who ushered him out previously fold down her blanket. Standing, Ashley gets right back into bed after she's done.
"That's nice of you," says the nurse, apparently less cross today. "You brought your girlfriend clothes."
"Um, yeah," says Craig.
"He's not my boyfriend," says Ashley, facing the other wall.
The nurse gives Craig a confused smile, and leaves.
"Ash, so I got you your favorite jeans, a top, underwear...," begins Craig.
Ashley turns around, glances at what he's holding. "Those aren't my favorite jeans."
Craig bites his lip. "I tried. Brought you clothes for court tomorrow."
He lays down the clothes on a small desk, tosses one more sad look at Ashley, and walks out, straight into Leslie, who he guesses had been spying on them. Leslie goes a little ways down the hall, and Craig follows.
"Can kids go in there?" asks Leslie. "I didn't know."
"Sure...yeah...they can go in," says Craig.
"I'm not sure if I want to now. Mom seems mad."
"She'd still like to see you, though."
Leslie sighs, goes back to the waiting room, kneels at a desk. Craig joins her, watches Leslie open up Paige's notepad. Spinner and Paige are off to the side, giggling at something on Leslie's DVD player. He notices that Leslie has formed a tic-tac-toe board on a piece of paper.
"Tell you what," says Craig. "I'll play you and if I win, you have to go see your mom."
"What if I win?" says Leslie.
"I'll get your player back from Spin and Paige," whispers Craig.
"Okay," agrees Leslie. "I'm X."
Leslie draws an X in the center square.
"Are you scared to go in?" asks Craig, drawing an O.
"A little," says Leslie. "I saw my dad in the hospital a couple times, but they were just checking stuff. He didn't stay over. Mom, she stayed over."
"Yeah, but they're just checking stuff too," says Craig.
"Grandma Kate says she might have to go away."
"She might, but she'll be back."
"How do you know?" says Leslie, giving Craig the pencil for a final time.
"Because I know her," says Craig. "I know how much she wants to get healthy and come back and be your mom."
"Oh."
"Speaking of O..."
Craig holds up the notepad, produces a triumphant smile. Leslie smiles shyly at him, gets up, and heads for Ashley's room. Craig walks to Paige, takes the player from her hands.
"Hey!" protests Paige.
"This is Leslie's," reminds Craig. "She gets first dibs."
"Wow, Scrooge. Okay, so not naming the baby after you," moans Paige.
IV.
Ashley clutches the jeans Craig brought to her chest. They were her favorite things, and she's aware she's being stubborn, difficult, several other negative traits. But didn't he understand? Things had kept them apart for eight years, and here's something else to add onto the pile. They were making good progress too– Jimmy sent the divorce papers, the house, Kate believed in them. So why this too?
"Why are you hugging pants?" asks a small, girlish voice.
Ashley's heart nearly leaps out of her chest when she sees Leslie walk into the room. Out of all her visitors, after Craig, this is the one she's most looked forward to, and the one she most dreaded. It's an odd mix, exactly how she felt when she had to pick up her stuff from Jimmy.
"They're my favorite," replies Ashley, though she knows that sounds fairly stupid. "Come sit with me."
Leslie goes to her, and Ashley helps her up onto the bed.
"Does Daddy know you're here?" she says.
"Yeah. He told Paige I could come," says Leslie.
Ashley is pleasantly surprised by that, but decides to savor the moment, not sure when the next time they'd spend this much time together would come.
"How's school?" asks Ashley.
"Good. I got all A's," says Leslie, blushing.
Ashley kisses Leslie on the cheek. "That's my girl."
"Next semester, in the fall, we're doing a variety show and Ms. Park said I could sing. She liked the performance at the camp. But you...," says Leslie.
"But what?" encourages Ashley.
"You won't be there, right? Grandma and Craig said you had to go away to get better."
"I can get better right here. You make me better."
Leslie scratches her head. "I want you to get as better as possible, though. I understand. Craig made it make sense."
"What did...what did Craig say?"
Leslie shrugs. "He said that you'd get healthy and you'd come back and be my mom. I'd miss you, but if you're all the way better, that'd make me happy."
Ashley takes Leslie in her arms, strokes her hair. So many voices speak in her head: doubts, common sense, hopes. Maybe Dr. Gill is right. Maybe her heart knows he's right. But if it's right, why does it feel so wrong?
V.
"Hello Toronto! Welcome to what is sure to be a stirring day in the Dwyer Courthouse!" chimes a new voice coming from the stereo of Kate's car.
"That's not Heather," speaks up Darcy. "No wheeze."
"Shhh," shushes Toby.
Toby, Darcy, and Derek are crammed into the backseat. Ashley needed to stop by the office to sign some papers that had to have her signature, and Darcy made a big deal about having to lug the equipment to the courthouse. Toby graciously offered, but she'd suddenly gotten the bright idea to ride over with them for moral support. It helped that she couldn't fit in with the equipment and the two other WJTV sound guys. Derek had to tag along, beaming at her the whole way.
"This is Wendy Hart, reporting live. Insiders speculate that today will finally be the day when Liberty Van Zandt cross-examines Ashley Kerwin. This is Ashley Kerwin's chance to defend her character and argue that she deserves to be a part of Leslie Brooks' life. Her recent stint in Lincoln Hospital could work for her or against her, seeing as Carla Arrow has consistently argued that Ashley Kerwin and Craig Manning may be potential bad influences on the child because of their instability. Not to be taken lightly was Craig Manning's absence from the court last Saturday. Also likely taking the stand today is Jimmy Brooks..."
"Turn it off, please," says Ashley, rubbing her forehead.
Kate immediately obeys, as they arrive at the courthouse. Journalists immediately pounce on the windows, some pounding on the windows. Ashley covers her ears.
Darcy clicks her tongue. "I've had enough of this."
She rolls down her window, shoves a camera out of her face.
"She just got out of the hospital!" barks Darcy. "How would you like it if someone bothered you after that?"
"Just a quick word," says one word.
"Here's two. Get away!" says Darcy, opening her door, causing a couple journalists to fall.
Derek opens his, knocking another two down. "Yeah! You heard her! Back off! Don't make us get Charles Barkley on you."
Darcy and Derek cross their arms, guarding Ashley.
The journalists look at one another, start putting down their cameras, watch Ashley, Toby, and Kate enter the courthouse.
"Wow," says Toby
"Okay...that was weird," says Kate. "But nice."
"Two perfect adjectives for Darcy and Derek," says Ashley, smiling.
She pulls down her skirt, raises her eyes to find Craig, standing right outside the door. Ashley nervously glances at him, and walks over.
"I'm staying," says Craig. "I'll sit in the back."
Not sure what to say, she nods, walks to the front, sits next to Liberty, who appears rattled.
"You're not getting antsy on me, are you, Liberty?" whispers Ashley.
"Just trying to choose between two lines of questioning. Should I mention the hospital stay?" says Liberty.
"Whatever. I just want to be a part of Les' life."
Ashley catches sight of Jimmy, in a nice black suit, his father and mother, and Carla heading to the plaintiff's side. Judge Winton walks out of the side door.
"Presenting the honorable Judge Winton," says the bailiff.
"Court is now in session," says Judge Winton, banging her gavel. "As you know, recent events have problematized the nature of this case. I received a physician's note from a Mr. Andrew Gill that requests that the case be delayed due to several health concerns he has regarding Ashley Kerwin. I consider myself quite fair, and would grant a delay if both Mr. Brooks and Ms. Kerwin see fit."
Several groans come from the jury, obviously wanting to be done with this case as early as possible.
"The jury will refrain from comment. Miss Kerwin, will a delay be necessary?"
Ashley stands, looks her straight in the eye. "No, your honor. I wish to proceed. I'm healthy enough to fight for my daughter. I'll always be healthy enough."
She's not clear, but she thinks she catches a disappointed expression on Jimmy's face. She is clear that all the members of the jury look relieved.
"Then let the proceedings commence," says Judge Winton. "Miss Van Zandt, your witness."
Liberty snaps out of fear and into her regular confident mode, which makes Ashley feel more secure. She obviously had decided on a mode of questioning.
"I call Ashley Kerwin to the stand," says Liberty.
Ashley goes to the stand, is sworn in, and faces the room. She can make out her mother, Toby, her dad and Chris, Paige, Spinner, Ellie, everyone. Their faces fade, blend, but Craig's just gets sharper and sharper. Her insides feel warm when she looks at him, and she smiles in spite of herself.
"Miss Kerwin, we know Mr. Manning showed up before your wedding. Before you married Mr. Brooks, what did Craig say to you?" says Liberty.
"He said...he said I had every part of his being, and that I wouldn't be happy, and Jimmy wouldn't be happy," says Ashley, her eyes growing misty.
"And he was right."
"He was right."
Ashley sees Craig staring at the floor.
"Because this custody case has taken on toll on all of you. You're stressed, exhausted, sick, all for the sake of your daughter. Yet my opponent would have the jury believe Miss Kerwin is unstable, not dependable. Likewise, Craig Manning is still here, despite recent, unflattering revelations about his personal life," says Liberty.
"It wasn't always like this," speaks up Ashley, causing Liberty to give her a confused look. "We all use to be friends. We were in a band together. We hung out at prom, graduation parties, by the lockers. I care about Jimmy. And I love Craig. I didn't think...I didn't mean to cause all this pain."
Ashley cries silently.
"You supported Jimmy while he was in the hospital," prompts Liberty.
"And I wouldn't change that. I wouldn't change being there for him, and our daughter is not a mistake. She was made out of love. I love her more everyday."
"How tough is this for you? To not know if you will see your daughter ever again?"
"It's been tough on all of us," says Ashley. "I thought I had no chance, and self-destructed. And I made a poor choice. I thought the pills would be a quick fix, but there is no quick fix to this."
Liberty is about to speak again, but she's interrupted.
"There is...there is a quick fix," says Jimmy, rolling his wheelchair to the front.
Ashley wipes her eyes, tries to see Jimmy through the tears. Jimmy goes up to Judge Winton, a somber look on his face.
"I'd...I'd like to drop the suit," says Jimmy, after taking a deep breath. "No delays. No conditions. I won't let my daughter be without her mom. I want the divorce, but joint custody."
Ashley scans the room. Kate's mouth drops, while Robert and Chris eyes pop open. Mr. Brooks appears stoic, and Craig grins. She's not aware of her own expression, but feels a smile trying to break through.
"Your honor, he's clearly influenced by Ashley Kerwin's hospital stay. She took those pills to get sympathy, asking for a delay to get more preparation time for her lowbrow lawyer," shouts Carla. "Trenton, reason with him!"
Mr. Brooks smiles. "It's my son's decision, and I'm staying out of it."
"Are you sure, Mr. Brooks?" says Judge Winton.
Jimmy glances at Ashley, sadly smiles. "I'm sure. I remember we were friends. I remember that we cared and we still care."
"Then that's that," says Judge Winton. "A wise decision, I must say. We will meet later to discuss the conditions of joint custody for Leslie Elizabeth Brooks, and the divorce paperwork will still go into effect. Case dismissed."
Ashley quickly gets up, runs to Jimmy, and hugs him. Carla slams her briefcase shut, walks briskly out of the room. Members of the jury start to clap as everyone in the room stands.
"Thank you...thank you so much," whispers Ashley, through joyful sobs.
Jimmy rubs her back. "Thank you for our daughter."