Chapter Eleven: Autumn

The summer of that year passed swifter than most, but not without the strange grief that seemed to always trail my presence.

Since our conversation in his councilroom, Finwë regarded me with the same, unwavering love, and we spoke more frequently than we had in months, often inadvertently detaining each other for hours at a time as we did so.

But whenever I was in the same room as my father's wife for too long, Indis' silent hurt, veiled as it was with calm discretion, would begin to tug at me. Envy, hate, and pity would mix inside my heart, until I felt ready to burst with confused emotion. So I avoided her when I could, as I had before. I suppose to some it must have seemed I had not changed my ways at all since my return from the Pelóri.

But nothing, not even Indis' presence, could dim my excitement at the coming of autumn, for I knew someday soon Nerdanel would come again to Tirion, bringing gentle reason and quiet comfort. It was a happiness I bore even in the darkest hours of hurt and hate, and drew upon whenever I needed it most.

At last, the day came. A steward approached me, bearing the message that one Nerdanel, daughter of Mahtan, awaited me in the dooryard.

Hastening to the door so swiftly that I almost forgot to thank the poor steward, I opened the door and looked about. The day was clear and cold--even the light of Laurelin seemed to have a dull cast to it--and the wind sang of autumn, but in my rising joy I could only feel the brightness of summer in the air.

Nerdanel stood at the gate, as I had earlier in the year, a small-boned, delicate palfrey at her side, the hood of her dark, woolen cloak thrown back as she looked at Finwë's house in wonder. Her soft gray eyes fell on me, and she smiled.

"I found your house in almost no time at all," she said to me as I crossed the dooryard to where she stood, "But the man I spoke to seemed to think me mad, asking where to find the house of the King of the Noldor!"

I opened the gate for her, mind and heart lightening at the very sight of her. The steward took her horse and led him to the stables as Nerdanel walked into the dooryard. She looked about her once more in curious wonder, and then we embraced.

"I am so happy to see you," Nerdanel murmured quietly, resting her cheek lightly against mine and tightening her arms about me as if she would never let go, "The journey was hard for me, as I had never traveled it alone before, but now all that fades."

I smiled, giving her hand a quick squeeze of reassurance, and was about to reply when I heard my father's voice ask, "Who is it that comes, Finwion?"

Stiffening, I stepped away from her, feeling my face flush in embarrassment. I did not have to look at Nerdanel to feel her awkwardness as well.

My father stood in the doorframe, face nonchalant though his eyes shone with stifled amusement, dimmed by something that touched too close to sadness for my comfort.

"King Finwë," Nerdanel said in surprise, and then swept into a graceful, if hasty, curtsy. "I am Nerdanel, daughter of the smith Mahtan, who dwells near the Sea."

"The Sea. . ." Finwë echoed in a light voice, glancing at me with more strangely poignant delight, but quickly returned Nerdanel's courtesy with a bow. "You are a friend of my son, and welcome in my house and in Tirion. Come inside. Finwion and I shall acquaint you with the rest of our kin."

Our discomfiture only beginning to fade, Nerdanel and I followed my father into the house, careful now to keep our distance from each other in his presence. At last, we found Indis and her children in Ingoldo's room. Indis was reading from a book of verse, with Ingoldo curled, kitten-like, in her lap and Findis upon the floor at her feet.

Although he was barely five years of age, Ingoldo was looking at the open book intently as Indis read, little brow furrowed as he tried to read it for himself. Findis listened attentively from her place on the floor, dark hair spilling loose and shining across her shoulders as she looked up at her mother and younger brother with a love and affection she never looked with upon me. All of them were utterly at ease with one another; the scene was intimate, endearing, and agonizingly perfect. My heart flinched as I realized that I could easily imagine Finwë joining this portrait and melding into it seamlessly, while I myself seemed to wander alone on the shores of the Sea, in a place between light and dark.

When I glanced over at Nerdanel, I could see she was delighted to see the rare glimpse of the noble kindred of Finwë someplace other than the throne and in story. I almost wished I could make her look away.

As we came to the doorway, Indis glanced up, closed the book, and swept Ingoldo gently into her arms. Findis stood, young enough to stay close to her mother's side, yet far enough from girlhood not to cling to Indis' skirts and peer at the caller.

"My family, this is Nerdanel, daughter of Mahtan," Finwë said. Nerdanel fairly glowed with pleasure as she curtsied to the three. Despite all the hours when I had filled her ears with baleful talk of my half-kin, her eyes were bright with a wondering curiosity.

"Nerdanel," I began hoarsely, when my father gave me a look that told me to proceed from where he had left off, "This is my father's wife, the Lady Indis, kinswoman of Ingwë."

Nerdanel glanced at me briefly, but swept away all awkwardness of that situation with a charming smile. Indis smiled at her as well, a smile that was genuinely kind and welcoming, and, feeling my hackles raise, I hurriedly carried on with the introduction.

"This is my half-sister, the Princess Findis."

Findis cautiously returned Nerdanel's smile, but said nothing.

"And this is my half-brother, the Prince Ingoldo." Nerdanel curtsied again and Ingoldo smiled happily at her, one set of tiny fingers wriggling in a shy salutation.

"Will you be staying with us, friend Nerdanel?" Indis asked, stepping closer. I fought back a grimace at the gracious title and how well Nerdanel received it.

"If it causes you no displeasure or trouble, my Queen," Nerdanel replied, gracious to a fault.

"We would only be happy to receive you into our house," Indis replied kindly, as my father nodded assent, "You may remain as long as you would like, and we shall treat as one of our own blood."

So it was that Nerdanel came to stay for a while in the house of Finwë.

Nerdanel, polite and friendly as she was, was quickly welcomed into our home indeed.

Ingoldo quickly grew to adore her, and trailed in her footsteps like an unusually bright second shadow. He would have accompanied her everywhere if not for Indis' restraining hand.

Even so, Nerdanel would often object to Ingoldo's removal, taking my younger brother upon her lap, to sing him songs and tell him stories, until he laughed with delight and begged for more. Next to his mother, Nerdanel was most likely Ingoldo's favorite person in the world.

Finwë and Indis were both taken with her kindness and animation. Time also revealed that Nerdanel had a friendly wit, which brought laughter to us all. Even Findis slowly accepted the older girl's presence in our house, and the two would venture together into the bustling markets of Tirion many an afternoon, bringing back food for dinner, the odd trinket, and gifts for Ingoldo. Nerdanel brought a new life and beauty into our house, nearly uniting the divided family within it with the lovely strength of her radiance.

Indeed, she was so civil and courteous to any and all in Finwë's house that I thought it an act.

"What do you think of them, really?" I asked Nerdanel one night, a few months after she had arrived. She looked down at Ingoldo, who had clambered into her lap over an hour ago and since fallen asleep, then back up at me.

"No more or less than what I reveal to them," she replied simply, face sincere and honest in the light of Telperion shining through a nearby window.

"So--even to Indis?"

She nodded. "Your thoughts of her do not go unnoticed, but, to me, she is my Queen, and I cannot deny her the respect and love she is owed. You are her son by marriage, and are able to speak your mind when you would, but I do not have such links."

"You would tell her you disliked her if you were related to her, but you are not. So you feign adoration?" I had caught her. Or so I thought.

Nerdanel smiled, eyes bright with amusement, and then laughed, stifling the sound midway so as not to wake the fair-haired child on her knee. "I never said I feigned my adoration, did I?"

"True," I admitted grudgingly.

She saw the hidden displeasure in me and took up my hand in hers, brushing it to her lips in a quiet tenderness. "No matter what love I hold for your family, it shall ever be you first, Finwion. I promise."

I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better of it and said nothing at all.

Author's Note:

Enormous thanks to RavenLady, Unsung Heroine, and Anglachel for their kind reviews! Kudos to anonymous for your careful editing! The error has been fixed. I cannot help but wonder: what am I doing to miss so many glaring errors regarding the as-yet unborn sun and moon! I suppose it is all part of being a long-suffering Silmfic author... :-)

Thank goodness we have so many nice people here who are willing to read, review, and make my day!

Love,

Blodeuedd