A/N: I do not own Tsubasa, they belong respectively to the amazing CLAMP.
Closed heart
So cold I am. The moment I should have shown my true feelings, I showed the one who I care for the most nothing but emptiness.
I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did it anyways. It was so strong, so overwhelming, it overpowered me and I surrended to the feeling. I took him closer, closer to my heart, yet I kept him out. I wanted to keep him close but still far away. I wanted someone to warm my closed off heart.
The coming days will be long and painful. To watch his eyes on me will make my heart hurt, but still I can't let myself forgive him. I just can't; I have to stay cold and closed off to those who care. I know now that they where in pain when I was hurt. I am still hurt, but they won't know. I won't let them know. I won't let him know most of all, cause then his feelings will become mine.
Fay looked at the witch on the screen that hovered in the air, its source the sleeping manju in his lap. Sakura was out there alone, risking her life for what could only be to get Yuukos payment for keeping him alive. This had been his chance to die, his chance to leave it all. He had been so ready, so ready to leave this life and move on. But still he had not been at peace. His feelings had burned inside his chest, screaming for him to live. Screaming for him to not end what was started. He had tried to close the feeling inside himself, like he had done with all other feelings, but with this particular one he had failed, until now. One of the feelings had grown so strong. He had let it grow, he couldn't stop it. So strong, he didn't have control over the warming feeling from his heart, uttered by words. Words of love and strong feelings. Nicknames given to the one he cared for the most.
"We have to see if she is safe. We have to look for her!" Fay said, is voice a little higher than usual, his heart aching inside his chest.
"She's fine," Yuuko said, a small smile spreading across her saddened face. "She is returning soon."
Fay tried to relax, but couldn't, to many things where happening in the same time, his usually calm mind, hurting with thoughts, thoughts that made him hurt when they crossed his mind, and hundreds more lingered further back ready to be unleashed when the old one was tired off harassing him. Torturing his soul with things that did matter. Things that where best to deal with, but he didn't dare. I guess I am a coward, the wizard muttered, seating himself on the cold ground.
Kurogane was no where to be seen, every time a shadow passed in his eye sight, Fay flinched a little, a smile half way pasted on his face. But it wasn't ever him, just some other insignificant man hustling through the building. He lay backwards on the cold cement floor, ignoring the little stones making their way into his back. Psychical pain didn't reach his mind, because it was already tortured by the mental ones. He closed his eyes unaware of the one that seconds later stood looming over him. The one standing studied his face, marked by the recent happenings, his only eye moving slightly under his eyelid. The man standing seated himself by the wizard. He picked up a blanket from the floor and swiftly laid it on top of the magician. The magician opened his eye, unprepared for whom he was now looking at.
Kurogane looked into the magician's eye, he didn't know what to say, but something had to be done. He couldn't stand the feeling of Fay hating him. He knew he did, the way he had plastered that fake grin upon his face and said good morning earlier that day, had made his heart cringe with such a pain he hadn't felt in a long time. Not since the time where he had once lost the ones he loved the most. The one making what he thought was a never-ending feeling of sadness go away, was walking away from him too, walking a way into darkness and sorrow, a path Kurogane didn't want him to take.
Fay's face filled with surprise suddenly changed into a face of anger. His eyebrows narrowed; his eyes stern. The wizard took a strong hold of the edge of the blanket and tossed it at the ninja, who got hold of it before it landed in his face. Kurogane got on his feet and walked away with quick steps, hiding the fact that he was crying. His heart felt like it had been ripped to pieces, making the pain from the mention of his real name leaving Fay's mouth earlier that very day seem like nothing, despair the only thing present in his aching heart. His life shrunk into something one would throw away when chance came, something you would look at with pitiful eyes, and then leave, knowing that thing would wither and die, leaving this world destroyed and unloved.
The closed off heart opened, the magician tried to shut it, but for no use. It was wide open, it leaked feelings and they materialised into crystal tears leaving his eye, making their way down his pale face like an ever-streaming river of sadness and despair. He cried for those whom he loved, he cried for those who loved him, he cried because of his presence in this world, but most of all for the one he had hurt the most, for the one who didn't know that he loved him.
A/N: So what do you think? Please review, that would make me so happy! Personally, I think chapitre 130 was the saddest one so far. It made me very sad, and made me want to give Fay a hug (more than usually). It looked like Kurogane would have needed one too. So sad. So I was thinking about the chapitre and how Fay would be towards Kurogane from now on, and got inspired to write this fic. I hope you liked it.