Disclaimer: I own all OC characters and the plot. I do not own any of the Harry Potter Books, ect., blah, blah, blah.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I was unsure whether to continue, but, I have decided to continue. If you didn't already know that then you are mentally challenged because if I had decided not to continue, then you would not be reading this!

Have fun!

Chapter 2:

Enter…Balloon Boy

Of course, dinner in my room with Satan's Spawn, aka Lilsie darling, went just oh so fantastical. Could not have been better. Abso-bloody-lutely marv.

Or not. You should know by now, that I use humor as a defence mechanism, which means that when I am depressed, I use humor to cheer myself up. And since I use humor so unsparingly, you could say that the majority of my tres, tres mal life is depressing.

She went on and on and on and on about how she would make Peter fall in love with me. She has some deranged idea that she will be able to set the two of us up.

As I would ever go out on an actual date with Peter! He touched my bum, and I certainly did NOT give him permission to touch my bum

But which is worse, actually telling her the truth, or letting her go on thinking…er…what her own mind has somehow made up?

If I told her that I liked Sirius, she would probably lose her head. She would run off to her comic book pal, and blab. Well, she might not blab directly. She would probably use some strange analogy about Spiderman and Wonder woman or something. Sirius may not be the brightest bloke on the block, but I have a feeling he would find out one way or another.

Now my dreadfully insane friend is going on about different kinds of flowers and what they mean. She says I should send Peter some red roses because they mean love and affection. Oh as if.

"Lily, I don't have the money to waste on bloody flowers."

"Oh, but it would ever so lovely! I can just see it now…"

I finally managed to pull myself off of my bed, and stretch my arms in the air. If I am made to date Peter, I may never leave the safety of my own bed again. Mind you, if I am made to date Peter, the midget perv might not want to leave either…

Ewww.

Right, I shall go to the library before Hogsmeade to look up some pervert-repelling charms. It is my immediate priority that I instate defence mechanisms on my bed to make sure that Dirty McPerv can never bother me there. Even if the staircase does reject males, James has been invading our dorm constantly since last year, so it musn't be that difficult to get past.

"I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your matchmaking plans, but I must be going."

"Where are you off to now?"

"The library, then Hogsmeade. I need to pick up some…things."

"Kayla Karen-Kasha Kyhruzolpakovski don't you dare go wandering off premises! I'm a prefect, and I reserve the right to give you a detention. Besides, what are you looking for, to get killed?"

I cringed as she used my full name. My poor mother must have been delusional from the pain of childbirth when she named me. Either that or my name confirms the fact that my parents simply hate me. Who names their child three names with the initials K.K.K.K? I was the laughing stalk of the entire school for the first few months of first year. Add in the fact that McGonagall couldn't even pronounce my last name right, and that makes for a simply wonderful start at a new and strange school for a small eleven year-old. And you can now see why I have been dubbed 'KK's by none other than Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers himself. You want to know what all those K's stand for?

Alright, but you asked! Kayla is my mother's favourite name. She has told me countless times that she has wanted to name her child Kayla since she was a young girl of about fourteen. See what I mean by delusional? Who picks out their kid's names at fourteen? Still, it wouldn't have even been that bad if she had just married some other bloke whose surname wasn't 'the name that is impossible to pronounce by the rest of humanity.' Karen and Kasha are the names of both of my grandmother's. And Kyhruzolpakovski is the name of some poor Polish bloke who obviously went insane because of his name that was the CURSE RELEASED UPON THE WORLD!

The only slight silver lining is that no one bothers to even attempt to address me by my last name only. I doubt that anyone in the entire school could even come close to spelling it correctly, let alone saying it. So hence, why I am known as Kayla, KK's, That Girl With The Huge Name, or, my personal favourite, 'Mudblood' by all the Slytherins.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say that there was a silver lining. I must have been mistaken, because THERE ISN'T ONE!

Back to the current over-protectiveness that Lilsies is currently displaying. "If you try to give me a detention, I will lock you in the broom cupboard in the South Tower with Potter. You know no one ever goes up there, so I expect you would be stuck alone to his mercy for a good few hours. Is that what you want?"

"You wouldn't!"

"I would. And besides, I'm not going alone, so don't bother getting your knickers in a twist dearie."

"Oh? So who are you going with? Are you going with Peter?"

Bloody Merlin, not this again. "No. Remus is going with me."

Lily became slightly exasperated at this. I thought that perhaps, her head might explode, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. "Y-You're going with Reums? you're a naughty girl! You're cheating on Peter!"

"I am not cheating on Peter. I am not dating him!"

Lilsies eyes suddenly grew wide, as if she had suddenly discovered the counter-curse to the Avada Kedavra "Oh-ho! I have figured you out little missy! You just wanted me to think that you liked Peter! That way, you could just swoop in, and start dating Remus! I think you should calm down and let me settle things, you don't deal with boys very well."

Oh, do I ever want to hit her. I want to hit her. I want to hit her. But I shan't, because I am a very nice person.

And did I say Lily was intelligent? Well, you must know by now, that she is just school-smart. The poor thing has no common sense whatsoever. I personally believe that common sense is a very important part of life. For example…erm…well, it's very important anyway! That is the one reason why I believe I shall be more successful in life than smarty-knickers Lilsies. And also because she is a tart. And I am…less of a tart, however still quite tart-ful.

All of a sudden, a brilliant idea came to my mind! Why didn't I think of this sooner? Oh well, I suppose Lily's tart-i-ness did help my wonderfully wonderful brain come up with this wonderful idea. Did I mention that I can sometimes, okay scratch that, almost always, be egotistical? No? Well, now you know. Hence why I refer to myself as the male version of the biggest balloon-headed male to strut the planet, aka James Potter dearest. "I am afraid, dearest Lily, that yes, you, unfortunately, have figured out my plan. I suppose I am just simply too stupid to outwit you, and you shall be the next Queen of the Tart-dome-erm…World."

She normally would have hit me for that previous comment; however, she is oblivious to all insults I throw her way under such circumstances.

"So you DO like Remus!"

I, stupidly, in hindsight, agreed to go along with Lilsies' mental ideas. After all, which would be worse, her setting me up with Peter, or Remus? Remus is nice after all, and not at all a perverted dunce, like some others, whom I will not name. And it isn't as if he isn't attractive, I just…sigh…no one will ever be Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers but Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers himself. So, shaking my straight-as-a-whip dark brown hair backwards, and pulling it into a pony, I stupidly replied, "Duh. And I thought you were intelligent Lilsies!"

"Well! We can't have you going off to Hogsmeade with him looking like that! SIT!" The mad tart lady shoved me down into a chair in front of the vanity in our dorm room. "Well, I suppose your hair is alright, though we'll have to do something with it. Oh my! We MUST do something about those monstrosities residing on your forehead!"

Fuck. This is going to be just the ever loveliest evening of my life. Doesn't being tortured by your best friend using violent methods, then being shipped off on a date with some boring bloke whom you have no interest in whatsoever sound fun?

I didn't think so either. By the way, the 'monstrosities' she is referring to, are my eyebrows. My lovely Polish heritage has dealt me those hideous things, as well as gorilla arms and legs, boring hair, and not to forget my horrible name that we have already discussed. Yes, my tart of a mother just had to choose to marry into the man that carried all of the world's worst genes with him.

"Lily Martha Evans, if you so much as touch my precious monstrosities, you will wish you'd never been born."

"Oh, don't be a baby, it won't hurt a bit!"

"Oh, you mean like last time? I really don't want to have to bite you again!"

"Now really, it would make your whole appearance look a lot more put-together if you would just let me-"

"Lily, I will let you fix my eyebrows the day that you go out on a date with James Potter. How does that sound?"

Lily made a strange huffing noise before settling for fixing my hair, and applying pore-clogging paste to my already not-so-nice face. If only there were some kind of paste to make my monstrosities appear less…promiscuous.

Half an hour later, I reached full-fledged tart status. My hair was ridiculously piled on top of my head, and had been curled by the insane Lily, herself. I had ridiculous sparkles spread all over my face, and my lips looked as if someone had cut them open and blood has spilled everywhere. Yes, the make-up genius was not very well coordinated.

"Now, I think we should perhaps go with a lighter shade of lipstick, don't you Kayla?"

"I think it would be wise to remove the excess lipstick from my chin first of all, then we can ask that question."

"Well, I'm sorry, but you were moving about so."

She is right. I was doing my best to avoid the cursed lipstick. I had a rather unfortunate incident with the Tart Queen's, also known as mother's lipstick when I was a tyke. It was a dark red colour, and I suppose I must have thought it was some sort of crayon for drawing on people, smart child that I was. Anyways, I got hold of it, and decided to…erm…illustrate myself. To say the least, I was an odd pink-coloured child for a few days afterwards, and was not willing to repeat the incident.

"Well, are you just going to leave it like that? I'm sure Lu-Remus will find this very attractive."

"Well, of course…except, it won't come off."

Here we go again. I am going to be the pink-chinned student of Hogwarts. I am going to be sent to social hell.

"You're a bloody witch! You must know some way!"

"Erm…Alright, I suppose I could try a spell."

No wait! I take that back, what if she ends up turning all of me pink or something! "Wait-no Lily don't!"

Too late.

She pointed her wand at my mouth before saying, "Scourgify!"

My poor mouth filled up with bubbles.

"Aaauuuu! Wiiiiwwiiii!" I spit out the bubbles. "Honestly, how can you be so intelligent, yet such a dunce at the same time!"

"I'm so sorry." She has pressed her lips together tight. I know that look, She is rolling over laughing inside.

"Well, you can just shut up inside! Don't you know that that's a house cleaning spell! It's not for people! How would you like it if I poured dish soap down your throat!"

"Erm…the lipstick is gone."

"Well it better be. I'll be going now, I wouldn't want to be late."

"Wait! You can't go wearing that! For goodness sake!"

What am I, a human Barbie doll? Lilsies reached into her closet pulling out the most revealing clothes I have ever laid eyes on. When I say that my usual attire outside of school consists of sweat pants and a t-shirt, that should make you understand that I was not pleased that Lilsies expected me to go prancing around in a skirt that came above the knees, or, dare I say, a shirt that showed my shoulders. I looked at her. I needn't speak, because I know dear Lilsies knows that this particular look means 'when hell freezes over!' What? I couldn't very well say 'when pigs fly,' because we all know that a titchy little first year could make a pig fly! "How could you expect me to ever wear something so…so…feminine?"

"Kayla! Honestly, you cannot wear jeans and your old football t-shirt on a date!"

"But I like football!"

"Well, too bad. Tonight, you will actually be dressing like a girl. Now, I'll be nice and let you wear the jeans," I gave a sigh of relief. "but you must wear this shirt." She tossed me a green shirt. It actually looked all right, until I turned it over.

Sparkles. Everywhere.

What is with that girl and sparkles? Honestly! "Why do you insist on torturing me! Why can't you just save your malice for Potter?"

Of course, it is at this very moment when Balloon Boy himself bursts into our dormitory. Lily shrieks, and of course chucks her excuse-for-clothes back into the closet without the slightest hint of subtlety. Me, I was the lucky girl who happened to be in the middle of changing her shirt, which I had gracefully spilled mashed potatoes on earlier. I am wearing nothing but my Hogwarts skirt, and my favourite old bra with blue polka dots. Old is not necessarily good when it means there is a noticeable tear in a place where you would not want a tear to reside.

Merlin, why do I even bother?

"POTTER! Get out of our dorm THIS instant! How did you even get up here, you vile little boy!" Of course, even though Lily is fully-clothed, she is the one to scream at him.

"Little boy? Come now Lily dear, you really don't mean that! I mean, I may be short in stature but I can say that-"

"Argh! I've had it up to HERE with your antics Potter! If you don't leave this instant, I swear I will murder you right now with this…" she looks down into her hand, "this…eyelash curler…" Well, there goes the prestige of her threat. Meanwhile, I stand watching the scene, not really caring that I am not fully clothed.

"If anyone's got a right to be screaming at me, it's KK's! She's standing there in her underwear for Merlin's sake!"

Do I bloody care? No, it's James. James is like my brother. However, this is the moment when Mr. Black happens to bound into our room. He trips over Lily's large box of hair accessories, and falls onto my bed. He is staring directly up at me. He does have such nice eyes. Too bad that I am distracted by them and don't happen to notice that…

"KK's it seems that you have quite a large tear on your-"

My eyes must have widened to the size of apples, because I suddenly realized that I was standing in my underwear, and Sirius Black was not even three feet away from me.

"AAAHHHHH! GET OUT! GET OUT RIGHT NOW YOU PEEPING TOMS!" It is the very first time that I have ever screamed at any of the Mauraders to get out of our dorm. However, it is also the first time that a particularly attractive Maurader has been in our dorm whilst I am not fully dressed.

As I threw my shirt over my head, my face burned with embarrassment. Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers had just seen my boobies! And he had actually seen my actual boobies because of my stupid old bra with a hole in it!

Note to self, always buy new clothes. Or steal new clothes from Lily, since she always seems to have lots. I cringe at the memory of the indecent skirt and sparkle tops. On second thought, nevermind. Perhaps I shall add 'new clothes' to the list of 'Things to Get in Hogsmeade While Being Followed Around by Lupin.'

"Now, wait a second ladies, we were just coming up to notify you that we will be a throwing a smallbash down in the common room starting round nine. We hope to see you there. That is all." And with a bow, Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers left the building-er-room.

Lilsies was simply livid. I swear, I have never seen her more angry. I mean, of course I actually have, seeing as Potter invading our privacy is a regular occurrence. Now do you understand why I simply did not care why Potter saw my underwear? It was not the first time. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not as if the situation has never been reversed. I have regularly barged into the boys' dorms when they have been dressed less than decently…however, they really seem to care a lot less. And that is because they are boys. Boys are stupid.

I believe the time that I have seen Lilsies the most angered ever was the time that the Balloon Boy interrupted her bubble-bath time. Oui, oui, that is tres right. James Potter did not only enter the girls' dormitory without permission, but he went straight into the bathroom whilst poor Lilsies was in the middle of her meticulous bathing ritual.

He claimed he was just borrowing moisturizer.

Needless to say, Lilsies was livid. She was Livid Lilsies. There was much shouting and throwing of toiletry products.

Which Lilsies made Balloon Boy pay to replace later, of course.

But to be fair, perhaps I should mention that when Potter snuck up to the dorm he said this to me.

Flashback:

This particular incident occurred around the middle of fifth year. It was a cold winter morning, and I, studious girl that I am, was reading. Well, fine, so maybe reading Witch Weekly does not count as being studious, but still, I was busily reading on my bed. This is the moment when I hear the door to our dormitory creak open. I raised my eyes to see none other than James Potter.

"Hey KK's! Watcha reading?"

"Witch Weekly. You're lucky Lilsies' isn't here. She'd kill you. How many times will she have to hex you, and throw you back down the stairs for you to realize that despite you being in my good books, this room is not safe for you?"

"Relax; I'm not here to spy on Lilsies. Though, just a pointer, if you ever do want to spy on her, there's now a false panel in that wall over there thanks to my handiwork."

"Yes, because I'm sure stalking and spying on Lilsies is going to make her fall in love with you rather than make her instate a restraining order. And if you're not here to spy on Lilsies, what IS your purpose? You are NOT stealing any more of her clothes! I got in big trouble for that!"

"How'd you get in trouble?"

"Well, she thought I borrowed her clothes and didn't put them back. Like always of course, but she did get angry when they were still missing after a MONTH! I'm still going to get you back for that you know!"

"Ah. Well, I'm actually here for you. I was wondering if you had some moisturizer I could borrow."

I snorted. "Moisturizer?"

James shifted, blushing just the slightest bit. "I have a dry T-zone! It's not my fault!"

"Unfortunately-" I was about to tell James that right now, Lilsies was in the bathroom, practicing her bathing ritual, when a simply brilliant idea came to mind. And a cause for mayhem should never be turned down. "Unfortunately, I don't have anything like that, but Lilsies probably does. It'll be in the cupboard in the bathroom." I said, in a sugary voice.

Balloon boy stupidly strode across the room, walking right to his own doom, "Where is dear Lilsies anyway?I haven't seen her in ages!"

I quietly crept off my bed, not wanting to be in the line of fire for the war that would certainly be waged within the next ten seconds, "You saw her yesterday you poor, poor fool. And as for where she has run off to I couldn't-"

Potter opened the door to the bathroom.

"AHHHHHH! POTTER! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"Erm…borrowing moisturizer?"

End Flashback.

I smiled at the lovely memory. Lilsies never did find out that it was me who set that whole incident up. And it shall remain that way for as long as I wish to live. I was wretchedly snapped back to reality by Lilsies whining. Honestly, what does she have to whine about? It's not as if Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers just saw her boobies!

"I cannot believe that Potter!"

"Well, then you must be incredibly stupid, because he's been invading our dorm for a year already! Get with it woman!"

"I must report him to McGonagall. I swear, this time will be the last."

Oh god. There she goes. Off on her 'disciplinary' speech. She will be running off to McGonagall any minute. Potter, and I suppose this time Black, will get another detention to add to their scoreboards, and then, the whole routine will start over next week. I have listened too many times to bother again. "As interesting as that sounds, I'll just be going."

She didn't even hear what I said! She didn't even notice when I walked right out of the dormitory! She didn't even do her little screechy good-luck thing that she does for every date-like outing I go on! I mean, it's not as if this is actually a date, but in her mind, it is, and that's what counts!

Perhaps Balloon Boy has finally made Lilsies crack.

He has beaten me to my own life's goal, which is to drive Lilsies permanently mad!

A/N: Well? Did you like it? I hope so. I promise there actually is a plot. Please REVIEW and tell me what you think!