Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, cos if I did, I'd have Ray and Neela together already!
The song is "HOW DO I" by Lee Ryan
author is drooling at thought of singer singing, so please excuse the ink running on this story. The voice. The body. The tattoos.
Spoilers: Not that I'm aware of. Well, except for her 'dating' Gates, which I think we all know happens in S13!
Content Warning: None…right now…
Summary: Ray ponders life as Neela pulls away more and more.
Oddly, my muses have decided to allow songs to dictate and this song is not only one of my favorites, it's absolutely beautiful and heart wrenching. Makes me want to comfort the droolicious Lee Ryan (or Ray Barnett, as the case may be.) And my muses want angst. They're not ready for fluff yet. Stupid muses. No more chocolate until they start doing Rayla fluff! LoL
There she goes once again
The ghost of our love
Is making me shiver
It's only small drops of pain
Silence surrounded Ray as he looked over the roof at the lights of downtown Chicago. Since Gallant's death and Neela's disappearing act from his life, except for at work, he had come up here to think.
His apartment reminded him too much of her and the bars were full of women who wouldn't have minded a night with Ray Barnett, but he found himself wanting no one, even for a night, if he couldn't have Neela. Not yet, anyway.
But even the rain
Can turn into rivers
Thought I'd be safe
Living behind this wall
But the pressure's too much
And it's starting to fall
He sipped his coffee, trying to remember when it all started. He couldn't pin point it. All he knew was that Neela had fallen in love with Gallant, married him, and planned a life with him. Now, in the midst of Gallant's tragic death, she found herself involved with Tony Gates.
Ray didn't like Gallant, but he flat out hated Tony Gates.
So how do I get over you?
How do I survive?
Living half a life that I knew
Oh how do I get over you?
When you take away everything I had to be true
I wonder if you feel it too
Do you?
She had never said 'goodbye'. She just got in the taxi that night and left him standing there. He had watched the taxi until he could no longer see it. He had thought of going back to the apartment, but getting drunk and trying to forget seemed a better idea at the time.
Everywhere that I turn
There's something there
Something to remind me
When I sleep it's alone
Forgetting was easier said then done. He would get as drunk as he could, but when he walked in the door, he was inundated by memories of her. He would sink down on the couch and swear she was next to him.
Sleep became a stranger to him. He wondered if he should even be responding like this. It wasn't like they were dating. Merely 'Roomies'; friends. Nothing more. He didn't even know if she loved him as much as he loved her. He doubted it, but he found his life turned upside down and unable to straighten himself out.
Still I reach out
As if you're beside me
Try to move on
He looked down at the lights, remembering, reliving. He had never loved. Not until Neela. Now, she was dating Tony Gates and he was trying to move on, but he couldn't. He didn't want anyone else. Not now. He wasn't sure he could allow himself to give something he wasn't sure he had.
I try to find something new
But everything that I did
Something we used to do
So how do I get over you?
So, he stopped going out to bars, looking for the next woman to share his bed. It didn't matter to him. He knew he could pretend to be in love, but why?
Ray laughed. "I think I'm starting to grow up." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Who would have ever thought Ray Barnett would give up bars and one night stands?"
How do I survive?
Living half a life that I knew
Oh how do I get over you?
When you take away everything I had to be true
I wonder if you feel it too
Do you?
"I did."
He turned around and saw Abby standing there. "What?"
"I did." She leaned next to him. "I always saw potential in you, Ray." She smiled.
"You're the only one." Ray leaned forward on the railing.
Seems like every place
Every place that we knew
Every sign, every taste
Reminds me of you
"Give her time."
"I don't know, Abby. I don't know if I can hold on anymore." He sighed. "When she shut me out, I took that as she didn't want to be around me anymore."
"You'll hold on, Ray, and you won't be able to let go. You love her too much."
I thought that this would be gone
It's still so strong
I keep holding on
What else can I do?
Ray shrugged. "Why doesn't she see it?"
"You ever tell her?"
"I can't. It's not like you and Luka. She's…Neela doesn't let her heart lead her. She goes where she thinks it's safe and I'm not the safe harbor she needs or wants. If I were to tell her that I love her, she'd think it was some kind of sick joke."
"So now what?"
"I continue to figure out how to get over her." Ray stood straight up.
So how do I get over you?
How do I survive?
Living half a life that I knew
Oh how do I get over you?
"Think you will?" Abby tucked a stray hair behind her ear.
Ray rolled his head, ending with his chin on his chest. "I don't know. I don't know if I can. I just don't know." Abby nodded and left Ray to his thoughts. He watched her leave and then focused on the lights again.
Getting over Neela would be his greatest challenge.
When you take away everything I had to be true
I wonder if you feel it too
Do you?
Baby, do you?