Author's Note: This chapter is longer than the rest so far. Edward really had a lot to say. There is a direct quote from New Moon in italics, one of my favorites. As always, thank you so much for your reviews. They do truly make my day! I had a request for more meadow scenes. I can definitely get behind that.
Jasper skipped his last class and was waiting upstairs for them when they got in from school. He hoped to help alleviate some of the emotional tension of the potentially difficult conversation ahead of time by having a variety of distractions ready for both Edward and Bella. For Bella, he set up a table with modeling clay and fidget toys she could play with, like stress balls and jacks. For Edward, he had a basket of small steel balls, perfect for crushing if he really needed an outlet, and similar to her clay as far as strengths were concerned.
"I wouldn't dare get that angry with Bella in the room." Edward said, walking in and reading his brother's thoughts. "Not unless her life was in danger."
"Just in case."
"What are the toys for?"
"I've noticed you tend to fidget a little bit when you get nervous or anxious. They're for you." Jasper answered.
"Oh, thanks."
She accepted a gift. Jasper thought at Edward with a grin. Edward noted to himself that again small gifts were accepted without fuss. He would remember that and try to start smaller with his gifts and surprises, working his way up with her.
"Is there anything you guys want to talk about today?"
"Not in particular." Edward answered.
"Last night." Bella said, picking up a Rubix cube to examine.
"What about last night?"
"Edward was having a flashback. Or flashbacks? What triggers them? How can I help him? How can we make them stop?"
Jasper noted her eagerness to do anything to help her mate and smiled at her. "I spoke to him about it a little this morning. Flashbacks. Let me answer your questions backwards with the simplest answer. The best way to reduce them is to try to figure out what triggers them. Then, you can avoid it or work on techniques to distract him from them, however, they may not ever totally stop. Treatment and healing are different for everyone depending on their experiences and needs. To help him, I think he would agree that just being there for him and accepting him as he is helps more than any other thing possible." Edward nodded. "As far as what triggers them, that's something you two are still figuring out together based on your own experiences. Edward, do you have any thoughts on what may have triggered last night?"
"No. Sometimes they happen even if I'm just relaxing. There wasn't anything in particular that happened. It was a good night until…that."
"We're all on the same page about what they were about, right?"
"Yes. A murder, and then…Bella being hurt." he said quietly. Bella decided that sitting beside him wasn't good enough and crawled in his lap instead. He would never complain about that, happily wrapping his arms around her and helping her stay balanced in place.
"Are these your most common flashbacks, now that you recognize what they are?"
"Mostly."
"What else is there?" Jasper pressed. Edward looked sadly at Bella. He really didn't want her to see this side of him. To see just how broken he was and how much he struggled. The amount of love in her warm, brown eyes made him freeze for a second, admiring her. He couldn't let her down, even if what she wanted was terrifying to him…the full, complete truth about everything. He took a deep breath, especially savoring her scent, before deciding to come clean with it all. Jasper noticed Bella already fidgeting a little with her hands and tossed her a squishy stress ball instead. She smiled sadly and ran it between her hands as she looked up at Edward. Jasper noted a slight decrease in her nervousness and was glad it helped.
"The murders have haunted me the longest. Each of them, with the exception of Esme's abusive ex-husband. I feel kind of good about that one, actually. I remember every detail. Their last words. The taste of their blood. The faces of their family and loved ones in their thoughts as they realized it was the end. Most recently, I remember every time I've put Bella's life in danger. James. Her party. Even leaving her in the woods. I saw in Charlie's thoughts how that nearly killed her too…sometimes I can't get the image from his thoughts of her being carried out of the woods, practically lifeless and crying my name, out of my head. I almost killed her." he sobbed, unable to look at her without completely losing it. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against her. She sat her toy on the arm of the chair and held him back, running a hand through his hair because she knew how much he loved it.
"Anything else?" Jasper asked, noticing he hadn't really answered the question.
"Tons. I've seen so many things in people's thoughts. Many of them I will never be able to forget."
"Tell us about them."
He took another deep breath. Jasper was pushing him, but his beloved wasn't frightened or upset in the slightest. She wanted to hear this. "Practically everything about every member of our family, including their kills, memories, and regrets as well. I can see them in exact detail. All of them. Their most private traumas and hurt. Memories from school. So many of those children are abused or feel unsafe at home, and while I know we've tried to help a few, there's so much sadness out there we can't do anything about, but I hear it every day and it makes me feel so powerless. Random strangers, I wouldn't even catch their names, but I would see the memories, like women remembering being raped every time a man walked too close. It's like I can recall their flashbacks too. Sometimes I think about how I felt when my parents died. I can still remember each of those times. A few days stand out when I was apart from Bella. They were all terrible, but some were particularly unlivable. I almost went to the Volturi several times, but I couldn't bear to leave her behind even if I could never see her again."
"Is that everything?"
"No, honestly. But that's what sticks with me the most. Usually, when I'm haunted, it's remembering taking a life, or seeing her hurt."
Bella was crying now. She tried to hide it, but they could both smell the saltiness of her tears. Edward kissed her head and still held her close to him. "I'm sorry." he whispered.
"You're sad, Bella. Why?" Jasper asked.
"For Edward. That's a lot to live with. I never really considered how much he sees and has to remember."
"Me neither, to be honest. Not in so much detail." Jasper agreed. "I'm sorry. I always assumed you were moody, but I never did try to understand why beyond the obvious like age or being alone. Not until recently."
"You had no way of knowing." he said before wiping away Bella's tears and looking at her instead. "Please don't be sad for me. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I have you."
"I've not treated you well." she said, making him scrunch his face up a little and raise an eyebrow at her.
"Always so fast to blame yourself. None of this is your fault."
"In what ways, Bella?" Jasper asked, knowing that it was an important thing to understand and let her express more fully.
"I always do or ask him for things without considering how they might impact him negatively, like changing me, or when I pushed him to be close to me when we first met before he was ready, and…" she blushed, but Edward understood where she was going.
He gently pushed some hair out of her face. "And absolutely none of that makes anything I've gone through your fault. You shouldn't be ashamed of being yourself and telling me what you want."
"I've been pressuring you."
"No. Not a bit. With your change, perhaps, but we agree on that now. In fact, I'm glad you did because I look forward to it. It will be fun when you aren't so breakable."
She thought there was a slightly mischievous tone in his voice, but his wink when she caught his eye made her blush even more and suppress a giggle despite the heavy conversation. "I love you."
"As I love you."
"The question is how do we help Edward reduce the number of flashbacks. There isn't an easy answer for it but talking things out may help. Especially if we can really analyze some of the memories affecting him, and you too, Bella, and talk through your doubts and any lingering emotions. I'd like to try to start there at least. Do you two share any of the same flashbacks that you know of?"
"The ballet studio." she answered.
"Alright, so Edward remembers you getting hurt. What exactly do you remember?"
"Fear…I was worried that you all were going to get hurt coming after me too. And shame. I had been tricked so easily. Oh, and also anxious, because I think even then I realized that it was going to make Edward leave."
"Emotions. And Edward, do you primarily remember the visuals, sounds, or feelings?"
"Feelings and sounds."
"Let's talk about that day. Bella, what are your regrets?"
"That I didn't just tell you and Alice about the call. That I fell for his trick."
"And Edward?"
He looked sadly at his brother, who didn't need to hear the answer to understand. "It's alright. You regret sending Bella with us instead of looking after her yourself, or not just killing James when we met him, I would imagine."
"I do." he agreed, regretfully knowing that the answer might upset his brother's feelings.
"I don't hold that against you in the slightest. What could either of you have done differently?"
"Gone with Bella." Edward added immediately.
"If Edward were the one with you when he called, would you have still tried to escape?"
"Yes." she said.
"You wouldn't have gotten far-!"
"You can't follow me to the bathroom!"
"No, but I can watch for you to exit in other's thoughts. I would have noticed that there were two ways out."
"I would have found a way to get past you. I thought my mom was in danger." She thought he would understand placing family above all else, just as he did, but she was wrong.
"But you didn't think about me! How am I supposed to live without you?!"
"I didn't see it like that. She was going to die if I didn't go! You wouldn't have died."
"As good as without you." he said, his eyes black with anger as he glared at her. "And to think that I put you in that situation in the first place!"
"No, you didn't. You had no way of knowing that was going to happen." she said, trying to calm him down, though she was angry too. He had to trust her more to make her own decisions.
"I knew they were in the area. I should have realized we would attract their attention as loud as we were being!"
"Alice lives with that regret as well." Jasper said, knowing he needed to change the course of their conversation. "How do we heal from this? What would make you both feel better?"
"Knowing that she's safe. That something like that will never happen again."
"Not having to be apart from Edward. And trusting that my mom is alright without me."
Edward's expression softened as he heard the hidden meaning in Bella's last statement, the one that she had perhaps missed even herself. She was always more of a parent to her mom than a child and still carried that burden even to Forks. It was something they would have to discuss at a later time.
"You knew that your mom was as good as dead if you didn't sneak away to save her. Edward at least had his family, right?" Jasper confirmed.
"Yeah." Bella nodded, still holding Edward tightly. She never wanted to leave him, but to save one of her loved ones…it made sense to her. She thought it was the right thing to do in the moment. But now, if she had to choose…the weight of facing another situation that might force her to make that decision nearly crushed her. Jasper intervened to calm her down with his gift as she hid her face against her mate, practically curling up into a ball in his lap.
She hated what she had done to him by running away and also the eternity of pain she almost gave him without her. She didn't understand what she was to him then, but she did now, at least much more than before. Her thoughts were swirling, and she was filled with regrets. It was hard to do anything, even with Jasper's calming help, other than snuggle as close as possible to Edward and let the decision she made what felt like an eternity ago haunt her as tears rushed down her face.
"I love my family, but they aren't you."
"I know." she cried. Jasper could take the edge off of a pending panic attack, but he couldn't also remove all of her sadness, nor did he want to. It was important that they work through this on their own as much as possible.
Edward nuzzled his face against Bella's as best he could, any trace of anger gone now out of concern. It was a little difficult because she was mostly hiding it against his shoulder. He kissed her forehead. "That day haunts me the most not only because I almost lost you, but because your pain that day was because of me exposing you to my kind. I wondered if I should have just avoided you after I smelled your blood. But even the very thought of that breaks my heart into pieces because I can't live without you now. And I would have missed everything that is you…forever…" he paused for a moment, struggling to say the words.
"And then when I watched that tape, when I saw not just how badly he hurt you but how you tried to spare me pain the entire time despite what you were going through…your pureness, your love, it destroyed me. I realized just how much I was hurting you by existing. I saw myself as a demon. A poison. I knew then that I would have to leave to avoid further harm to the most precious thing in the universe. And when you asked me to stay, knowing that I couldn't…" Holding her in his arms, though one of his favorite things, wasn't enough in that moment. He re-adjusted them so she would have to look up at him. "I love you so much. I would live without you to keep you safe and happy, but that's the only reason. I don't want to be apart. I never have. Life without you is an endless void."
"Edward," Jasper said to keep the conversation going in the direction they so desperately needed it to. "Do you hold any negative feelings towards Bella for her decision that day?"
He hesitated before answering, "I do."
"Tell her."
He didn't want to, but she looked up at him expectantly. He ran his fingers across her cheek, trying to reassure her before he started talking. "I needed you to trust me. I would have kept you and your mother safe even if he had gotten her. But you didn't give me or Alice and Jasper that chance. It's not your fault that you fell for his tricks and I don't blame you for that, but I am hurt that you didn't feel like you could tell us and trust us to save you both."
Tears fell from her eyes, but she didn't panic further or act like Jasper expected she would upon hearing this for the first time. "I know. It was a dumb decision. I almost got you killed too." He had expected rage and so had Edward, but that was never Bella.
"I've made some pretty bad decisions myself." Edward admitted to her, mostly to try to make her feel better, but also because he was starting to understand her. She never acted out of anger, and hardly ever even fear, only love. Always love.
"I'm sorry." she said.
"Don't be. We both know better now. You know you can trust me with anything. And I know that you would do anything for your loved ones, and I should never underestimate you and your strength ever again. I would hate to be the person that upsets you after you're changed." he grinned sadly, trying to cheer her up. "Promise me that you'll challenge Emmett to arm wrestling after?"
"Why?"
"Because," Jasper started, following where Edward was going. "Newborns are strong as hell due to their own human blood still in their system. He won't be able to beat you. It will be hilarious."
"I'll do it." she agreed, wiping her eyes.
"Are there any other times you all want to talk about? What are your usual flashbacks, Bella?"
She hesitated, debating with herself if she should be honest or not. There were benefits to being honest, like talking through things and working on healing, but drawbacks too, like upsetting Edward. He followed her emotions in Jasper's thoughts and assumed what she was hesitating to mention.
"Say whatever you want, love. I promise not to be upset with you."
"I think about that day a lot." she said quietly, "But also Edward's leaving. We've talked about it so much but sometimes I still see it or hear him saying the words and even though I know better now, it's so hard to snap out of it…"
"It really hurt you. Didn't it?" Jasper asked.
"It felt like my life was ending. I wouldn't harm myself for my family's sake, but I didn't want to exist anymore."
"You know what that feels like, Edward." Jasper said.
"I felt exactly the same. If anything ever happens to you, I would immediately seek my own death."
"You can't." she said.
"I won't live without you."
"What if I want you to?"
"You would subject me to such torture?"
"You can't kill yourself, Edward. Think about your family, friends. Does your life mean nothing to you?"
"Not without you." he insisted.
"Why not?" she asked. "I love you and I don't ever want to lose you, but to intentionally harm yourself…"
"You mean you didn't do anything reckless while I was away?"
"Reckless, yes. But I didn't try to off myself!"
"If you go, I will follow."
"That's just sick." Bella said. Edward stared at her incredulously.
"Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of C-PTSD." Jasper offered quietly. "Edward doesn't feel as if his life is worth living, or rather, he didn't until he met you."
"My life isn't worth living without you." Edward agreed, softening the way he looked at her and brushing her hair behind her ear. He hadn't meant to upset her in any way, but it was all the truth.
"Your life has meaning. You don't deserve to die."
"It's not like we're discussing imminent death. I'm going to change you and keep you forever."
"But what if something happens?" she asked, starting to panic. "What if I get in a car crash before then? Or get cancer? Or what if a hundred years from now something rips my head off?"
"We would know about cancer long before it killed you. And as for the other, you have to burn the pieces-"
"It doesn't matter!" she interrupted. "You have to promise me you won't do that to yourself."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I was miserable without you."
"I don't think it's me."
"What?"
"I don't think it's me." she repeated. "You were miserable before because you thought of yourself as a monster and a murderer. I may have helped you change how you see yourself, as someone worthy of love, but the lessons you've learned won't go away after I'm gone." She was crying again and nervously squeezing on the stress ball tossed to her earlier. Her breathing became fast and shallow. Jasper tried to calm her, but it wasn't working. She didn't want to be calmed.
Edward gently lifted her chin with his fingers so she would look at him. "You did change how I see myself, in fact, that still changes a bit more every day. However, lessons learned from you don't even compare to having the real you here with me. Your radiance, your warmth, your beauty. I promise you that I will never let any harm come to you, so we don't have to worry about those things. Alright?"
She wasn't convinced but nodded and allowed him to lean in for a kiss to soothe and distract her. Jasper quietly left the room. They had enough to work through for that session and he knew they would have a lot to discuss that evening even without his help. "I can't think of you dying." she said after a minute.
"Then you understand how I feel." he agreed. "What would you do if something happened to me?"
"Be miserable. But I would try to go on. I know that's what you would want me to do."
"That's not what happened when I left."
"No, but I thought you didn't want me. That you didn't love me. It's much different than knowing that you do love me but that something had happened."
"I suppose so." he agreed. "Come on, I want you somewhere all to myself. The meadow?"
"Please." she agreed, barely finishing the word before he stood up with her firmly in his arms and took off at a run. They didn't even say goodbye to the family. It wasn't necessary.
She still cried softly as the forest blurred around her. She couldn't imagine the thought of the world existing without Edward. He was everything to her.
"I hate to see you cry. I would do anything to take away your pain." he said.
"Then promise me if something happens to me you won't harm yourself."
He took a deep breath, unsure what to say. "Honestly, I can't make that promise because I don't want to lie to you anymore. Knowing your feelings, I would try to stay around at least a while for my family, but I just don't know. I can't imagine the bleakness of a world without you in it. Or facing a day knowing I would never have you in my arms again. I can't." If vampires could cry, he likely would be himself. It was something he tried not to think about if at all possible.
"What about my memory?"
"What about your memory?"
"Would you stay around to do important work in remembrance of me? To honor me? Because I asked you to?"
"Like what?" he asked.
"Looking after your family. My family. Trying to find ways to help others like the abused kids you mentioned at school."
"There's only so much we can do, I'm afraid, without raising suspicions or breaking the law. We donate money to charities as often as we can without raising red flags. We try to send financial aid to some of the families around Forks, pretending they've won contests for free groceries or school supplies. I'm not sure how else to help."
"There are ways to help beyond money."
"Yes." he agreed. "But you're the only human we've ever gotten close to. We have to keep our distance."
"Maybe I can help. You must have a lot of free time on your hands as an immortal."
"I do. We all do. Except perhaps Carlisle."
"For what we both deal with, it would mean a lot to me if we could help others going through this. Or prevent people from it. If not money, then time."
"I'll be happy to see what we can do."
"And though we'll both try our best to make sure nothing happens to either of us, the other should promise to remember them and do everything possible in their honor if something does happen, rather than taking our own life, because neither of us would want that for each other. Agreed?"
Reluctantly, against his true wishes, Edward agreed much to the relief of not just Bella but Alice who saw the vision and relayed it to the entire family back home. They had nearly gone to drag him home and try to help him see reason several times when she had visions of Volterra while he was away, but thankfully they always passed a few minutes later before his plans turned into anything concrete. It was a reassurance to everyone to have his promise while she was still human, though they would all do absolutely anything possible to protect her and see that nothing ever happened to either of them, human or vampire. They would certainly watch more closely for rogue nomads from now on.
They arrived at their meadow and he sat down with her in his lap, protecting her from the itchy grass and the bugs on the ground.
"You still have no idea what you are to me. How completely I am yours." he said. "I can't resist anything you ask of me. Not for long. Though it isn't my will, I will do as you ask. I'm done lying to you and denying you things. I will never allow any harm to come to you, especially now that so much has already happened. I want to hold you in my arms forever. To spoil you with gifts and diamonds and cars and-"
"No gifts. Only love." she insisted, making him laugh a little.
"I knew you'd say that."
"Was it really that bad before I came along? All the time?"
"Sometimes." he said, grateful for the change in topic. "Some days were better than others. I was…content…but never truly happy until I realized what you are to me. Until you knew what I am and still loved me. And even then, there was always the belief that I didn't deserve you. The anxiety."
"You still don't believe that you don't deserve me now, do you?"
"I'm working on it." he said.
"I'm so plain. I don't understand why you waited so long for me. Surely, any girl-"
"No." he insisted, cutting her off. "You don't see yourself clearly. No one in the history of the universe has been exactly as you are. You. You see quiet, I see gentle and kind. You see homely, I see loving and dedicated to family above all else. You say that you're plain, but beauty standards change, my love. And you have no idea how much every boy in Forks lusts for you. You are simply angelic. I am so, incredibly lucky that you chose me. I thank the heavens for you every single day. No one has ever been my exact mate as you are. You were worth every torturous second of the wait. I would have gladly waited another eternity had I known you were on your way. Were I still human, I would prove my love to you by asking you or your father for your hand in marriage, but I know that's not the style these days." he hinted, gauging her reaction.
"No. It might be nice…someday. But what's a piece of paper compared to this?"
"An act of committing to each other in every way possible. Human…vampire…mate…" he growled softly in her ear, making her blush. It was a little dirty, playing to her desires as he was, but he didn't feel guilty. He wanted her to really consider it.
"Well, when you put it like that."
"So, you'll think about it?" he asked.
"What?" she asked back, totally distracted by him. She took a second to think. "That wasn't a proposal, was it?!"
"No. Unless you'd like it to be?"
"No!"
"Then it wasn't. Just a suggestion that it's something I would like when you're ready. Something to consider." he said.
She nodded. "Marriage was kind of a kiss of death for my parents. I'm kind of against the whole idea."
"Kiss of death. Interesting choice of words."
"You know what I mean."
"Do you really believe that getting married is what ruined their relationship?"
"Yes. Or me."
"You?"
"They were fine when they could be young and carefree. It was when responsibilities were added on that the trouble came. My mom didn't want to stay rooted in one place. Dad did. Mom felt too tied down."
"And how could you possibly be to blame for that?" he asked, his face scrunched up in disbelief.
"I was another responsibility."
"You were just a baby. You didn't ask to be brought into this world, although I'm glad you were."
"I often wondered if I wasn't born if they might have had a better life, but then I realized that my dad never wanted to leave Forks. But that hurt too. He didn't want to leave Forks, even for me? Even to be with my mom and as I grew up? But the older I got, the more I realized he couldn't handle my mom and how irresponsible she is anymore. And I get that. I still feel like marriage wasn't a positive for them though. It just stressed them out more and then they had to deal with the divorce."
"Not all couples divorce."
"No, but what is it like 50% of Americans do?"
"Something like that." Edward agreed, not wanting to mention that it was actually a few percentages more as of late. "Have you ever considered how many of them enter marriage before they are truly ready though, or when they know it's the wrong decision?"
"No." she admitted.
"What if marriage isn't the issue, but the couple was doomed in the first place, not because of fate or something, but because they just didn't work well together? Like your mom and dad. Your father was probably upfront about not wanting to travel and be as whimsical as your mother."
"He was. Mom always talks about how marrying him is her biggest regret."
"Do you think you would regret marrying me?" Edward asked, feeling suddenly very exposed and nervous, despite knowing she loved him so.
"No, but I don't want to do anything that could possibly cause harm or make things worse."
"You said yourself that marriage is just a piece of paper."
"One that brings a lot of drama with it."
"Promise me that you'll think about it? Not about your parents' experience, but what you want for yourself. I'm not asking right now. I know better than that. But I would like you to consider if what you've always been told is actually in line with your own feelings and ideas on it. Will you do that for me?"
She nodded. "I'll try, but I wanted to talk about you today."
"What about me?"
"Your flashbacks. How misunderstood you are. You've lived with this for a long time, haven't you?"
"I have."
"Has it always been like this?"
"I don't remember it happening while I was human." he said. "I believe this only started after my change. The only traumatic event I can remember from my childhood is the death of my parents, but Carlisle changed me before I had time to properly grasp that, as sick as I was myself." she was listening intently, looking at him as if he held all the secrets to the world. How could he possibly disappoint her?
He continued, "When I first woke up as an immortal, I thought I was going crazy. I heard all these voices. Everything was too bright and in so much more detail. I wondered how long I had been sick. Then, the doctor from the hospital was there, Carlisle as he insisted I call him even then, except we weren't at the hospital anymore. We were at his house. I swore I could even smell things I hadn't smelled before. It seemed that I was going crazy. When I tried to sit up, I was standing before I had even finished thinking about sitting straight.
Suddenly, one of the voices was asking questions. I answered them, but Carlisle just frowned at me more and more each time. It turned out that I was answering his thoughts. He was asking himself things, like 'I wonder what he's thinking' and 'What can I do to help him?' and I was answering him out loud. He figured out that I could hear his thoughts and likely those of everyone else too. As soon as the sun set, we walked out to a large field without anyone around for a few miles and then we truly figured out what was wrong with me. He explained what I was. I didn't believe him. Then, he took me into some woods a ways away and I smelled a deer, pouncing it and draining it in seconds. I was so parched. It was then that I immediately knew I was damned.
You know my feelings on souls, at least until a few days ago. I'm still figuring that out. But since that day I have never been sure what are my own thoughts and what is the influence of things I've seen or heard in the thoughts or memories of others. I have had flashbacks, though I never realized that's what they were, since the day I woke up. Most of the few human memories I do have are flashbacks to being sick or my parent's deaths. Then, there was waking up and discovering that I was all alone in the world, at least until I got to know Carlisle. I could never visit the few friends I remembered for fear of killing them.
Then, I started killing humans too. Every single one has haunted me since except for Esme's ex-husband. He deserved it. I was entirely too merciful. She tries to not think about him, but I've seen how he treated her in her thoughts, especially while she was undergoing the pain of transformation. She didn't know what was happening and assumed he had somehow found her and hurt her beyond repair. I had to watch as she remembered everything he ever did to her. He would hit her. Push her down the stairs. The things he would say…She's forgotten most of those memories thanks to the intensity of the later days of the transformation. I have not. I can't.
I remember not just everything that people have done, but their thoughts too. Like that first night in Port Angeles when those men were taunting you…I saw what they wanted to do to you in their thoughts. How vulnerable you looked. They wanted to hurt you, not just to fulfill some sick, twisted primal desire, but to actually cause you harm for their own amusement-"
Edward was a man truly angry now. His nostrils were flared. His fists were balled up near his thighs remembering the men that had nearly harmed his everything. Their vulgar thoughts. He couldn't look at Bella because he was positive she wouldn't like what she was hearing. It felt good to finally express all of his deepest, darkest fears to someone.
He pretended to admire the flowers in the distance, unable to stop talking now that he had started. "I've seen the vile thoughts of every person in Forks, not just towards you but towards each other too. Though I would love to rip Mike Newton's arms off and beat him with them the next time he tries to picture you shirtless. They do the same to my sisters. The girls have those thoughts about me, though it only disgusts me.
When I go with Esme to the grocery store, I always know which children are obeying only because they are abused at home, which women are concentrating so hard on keeping count of their purchases so they don't go over their budget and have to go without something else for the week, though we try to donate as much to the food bank as possible without arousing suspicions or secretly leave extra money in their cars, just a $20 in their floorboards they might think they lost or something.
I do live with flashbacks of my own and others and they bother me but other things haunt me too. That I can't follow you everywhere you go to protect you no matter how much I want to because I respect that you have your own life and privacy. That I can't stop the pain of every person who has lived through trauma or abuse. That it wouldn't be a good idea to walk up to random people at the park and say hey, you're having a flashback, you should go see a therapist. I can't protect every woman walking alone at night from their fates because it just isn't possible, no matter how much I want to. When kids are being abused at home, I can't very well go frighten their parents, because I tried that once and it didn't change a thing. They were right back to hurting them a few days later, convinced I was but a hallucination.
We have plenty of money, but we have to be careful how we spend it so we don't make others suspect what we are or how we got it. It's a fine line between blending in with the humans, at least somewhat, and accidentally having all of their attention or involving the IRS or someone else into our financials. I've spent decades stuck in this endless cycle of wanting to change the world and knowing that I can't. That it's hopeless to try to change things. Life goes on no matter what. It's so easy to get stuck in this depressive cycle. In the bleakness of everything.
But as for you…
Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason.… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
Do you understand now how completely you changed me? My life? You brought light to the darkness and beauty to the mundane. You shook up nearly a century worth of misery and doubts and showed me how to love. You taught me that it's possible to know everything about someone, every deep, dark secret, and still love them just the same. My family loves me, I know, but they have the same experiences as me. They understand the temptations. You…you've never questioned me, never once doubted me, except the one time I forced you to by breaking your heart. The worst sin of all.
You immediately trusted me, even when I told you that you shouldn't. You see me for who I really am. The other girls in town stare at me often. I know it's my looks, enhanced by the venom, or perhaps just the money and the knowledge of who I am. But you…I wasn't sure I believed in having a soul, but I couldn't shake this feeling that you looked right into mine the second we met. It absolutely terrified me. I kept trying to scare you away and show you how wrong you were to trust me, but you weren't afraid. You never have been mistaken about what you see when it comes to me. You always know when I'm hiding something, or lying, at least I thought so until I left you. Leaving you was so much pain I thought I might die just from the pain of existing. The one most beautiful thing in the world…
But to answer your question, yes, I have always suffered like this, even to the point of annoying myself until I met you. Now, everything I've ever believed is under question and yet I've never felt more alive. I know that you don't believe you were the answer. You think I just needed help to see myself clearly or someone to ask the right questions, but that's not how I see you. That isn't what you are to me. You're my mate. In time you will understand fully what that means, though I suspect you already do.
You complete me in all the ways I was missing pieces even helping me better understand myself. I have always suffered with these things, but now that I have you, the suffering lessens every day. It might even be possible to heal." He smiled at her now, caressing her cheek which was warm from the setting sun in the meadow. She was speechless, not just from his words but from his sparkling glow in the dimming light. She had never been more confident that he was really an angel, though she knew he would never believe it.
"Did I scare you away yet?" he asked, jokingly.
"No."
"Did I talk too much?" he asked, smiling gently at her contemplative expression.
"No, I'm just not sure what to say." She decided that it wasn't the words that mattered, but the feelings. She took his face in her hands and kissed his lips, immediately erasing any anxiety he had about telling her about his struggles in so much detail. Her warm, soft lips felt like heaven to him and he gladly lost himself in her gentle touch.
His hands traveled under her shirt and up her back. She shivered with pleasure as the sun warmed the exposed skin at the base of her spine and his touch warmed her in its own way, her own thoughts making her blush. Another day, perhaps.
When they parted, he grinned at her again mischievously. "I didn't even mention that lovely blush."
Her butt was starting to hurt from his hard, stone lap. She moved to sit beside him and then laid back, encouraging him to rest his head on her shoulder and snuggle closely with her, which he did with pleasure. She ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle touches. "I love you so much. And you're right. The real you. Including the parts you try to hide from everyone else. You can't scare me away, Edward. We've been over that. Not unless you intend to do something just truly awful-"
"Like have your father for dinner?" he teased.
"He's not your type. I mean like…suddenly take an intense interest in jazzercise or something dumb." she joked right back.
He laughed at her. "I love how quickly you said he's not my type. Why not? And have you ever tried jazzercise? It was all the rage in the-"
"Stop changing the subject." she said smiling at him, "I'm trying to have a serious talk with you."
"We had the serious talk. Now, I want to discuss my dinner options." he said, placing gentle, playful kisses in a trail all over her neck and growling quietly in her ear.
"If you insist." she smiled, blushing and not the slightest bit afraid. "I just thought you might be interested in hearing my thoughts on everything."
"I'm always interested in hearing your thoughts." he said. She knew she had his complete attention, joking or not.
"Then, behave."
"Woof!" he teased, licking her face like a dog.
"Gross."
"Oh, now you think I'm gross!" he laughed as he wiped his slobber from her face.
"I thought you were venomous."
"Only my teeth will harm you."
"Good to know."
He waited patiently for her to speak, very interested in her thoughts on everything he had revealed about himself, though nothing he said had really surprised her. She was perceptive like that, especially where Edward was involved. He was overjoyed, another trace of his stress permanently removed now that he could actually vocalize his inner most thoughts and worries. Now that someone really, truly understood him. There was nothing left for her to run from. She knew everything. She somehow made him feel not just happy, but playful and a little carefree.
"One thing at a time. I think you should talk to your family. They don't know these things about you, but I bet they would support you just as much if they did."
He thought for a moment of how they might react. It wasn't pity that he wanted. Only understanding. The freedom of not hiding anything. That seemed like an alright thing to ask. "Will you come with me?"
"Of course. And I want you to tell me from now on when you're having flashbacks. We may not be able to stop them, but we can talk about them. Jasper said that might help."
"I don't want you to worry." he said.
"I always worry about you."
"You shouldn't."
"Then you shouldn't always worry about me."
"Impossible."
"Exactly." she agreed. "So, please tell me. Let me help you in the ways I can. Or let me at least be there for you."
"I want you to tell me as well then. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Fears."
"Alright." she promised, though she hated to bother him with such things. She agreed so that they could help each other through this. It was only fair. "As for how you feel about me, you know how I feel about you too. I don't want to live without you either. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't a little unhealthy for us to be so obsessed with each other, but then I decide that I don't care because you make me so happy."
"If each other is the unhealthiest thing about us, then I would say we're alright. Definitely more so me than you." he said, earning a smile from her.
"I love you so much. I know it looks bad to others, like my dad especially, that we're as close as we are, but I've decided I don't care. I need you."
"And I need you."
"I hate how long you had to suffer alone."
"Don't worry about it. Look how happy I am now."
"I'm glad to see you this happy. You're smiling so much more. But I do get sad if I think about those long years you spent alone. You were so misunderstood. And you're over a hundred yet had never had a kiss or someone to rub your back or caress your cheek romantically before me. You've had your family, but yet it's always just been you while they all coupled off."
"Don't be sad for me. I have everything I have ever wanted now."
"Do you think things will ever change?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"With most couples, they're really happy at first and then it's like they drift apart or something changes them or gets in their way. Like…college or marriage. I don't want that to happen to us."
"I will never allow that to happen to us." he promised. "I understand if you were to outgrow me or to want something more, but I will never dream of anyone but you no matter what kind of woman you grow in to."
"I don't want anyone but you."
"Then it's settled. Although I'm still curious why you think marriage would change that."
"Just everything I've heard, I guess."
"I see it as an official commitment in front of our family and friends that we're together forever, that we're madly in love, and that I'm going to spend my entire life loving and taking care of you as a husband should his wife. Yet you see it as…"
"A contract on paper."
"So pessimistic." he joked.
"I'll think about it."
"I'm in no hurry. I might not even ask you right away. Perhaps I want to do it when you least expect it. Maybe I'll wait so long that you are begging me to ask you instead of the other way around even if it takes a hundred years."
"You wouldn't."
"You think not?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, curious that all of a sudden she wasn't wanting him to wait.
"A hundred years, huh? I guess you do intend to keep me for a while."
"A very long while." he promised. They again found themselves kissing, though this time laying side by side with only the emerging stars as their witness. "I should probably take you home."
"Your eyes. I'm sorry. I don't want you to be afraid to go for a hunt when you need to. I'll be alright."
"It isn't thirst." he said in a low voice that caught all of her attention and made her aware of just how close they were laying in the dusky meadow. How with one slip, his hand that rested on her shoulder could find its way down to her chest. He wanted to apologize and assume he was making her uncomfortable speaking as he was, but the look in her eyes gave him pause. She wanted him to touch her in whatever way he wanted to. The sparks built up a tension between them that neither was sure how to resolve without pushing the other too far, though neither of them truly minded the other's touch.
He kissed her again, this time not as careful as before, though he still wouldn't allow her too near his teeth, and he carefully kept his hands where they should be. Although the cool evening air circled around them, she was warm all the way through. He rolled so that he was over her, resting all of his weight on his own arms and feet as he became increasingly aware of his more masculine needs, the human ones that had barely stirred for centuries. Every touch of her lips made him feel more alive and in the moment.
He gave her lips a rest but still stayed over her, gazing into her eyes. "I love you so much. I completely adore you. I need you in ways I never imagined possible to need anyone, not just physical, but that too. This constant need to be close to you and yet, still feeling like there could never be such a thing as too close. And the fact that you want to be around me with as much as you know about me. My struggles. My inner demons. The fact that I could kill you in an instant and yet you trust me enough to lay here completely at my mercy without the slightest hint of fear. That I can tell you why my eyes are black and it doesn't make you the least bit uncomfortable or afraid of me."
"I feel the same. You would never hurt me." she said.
"I really should get you home."
"Please don't move."
"I was afraid I made you uncomfortable."
"You can't." she answered, using a hand on his face to pull him back down into a kiss. She wondered if certain things might be possible for them. She too needed him in every way she could imagine. Not just the physical desires, but the closeness. The intimacy. The feeling of just the two of them…
"Bella…" he growled softly, "As much as I don't want to get up, my love. This isn't the time. Nor the place. It will be cold soon and I don't want you sick." He kissed her cheek and then got up, holding his hand to her to help her up as well.
She pouted and he admired her flushed face. "You should be upset with me for thinking about you in such a way."
"You're the only person I want to." she said, watching mesmerized as his eyes gradually took on more of their usual golden tint. "All of the times when I saw your eyes black before. When I called you crabby. Were you actually thirsty, or was it…this?"
He laughed. "Sweet girl. Usually, it was thirst. Especially in the beginning. I thought that to even touch you or kiss you would be impossible but the more time we spend together, the more I trust myself not to harm you, definitely now that I truly understand you would be alright with me changing you if I had to and that it wouldn't be destroying your soul. At least I'm starting to believe not. Now, I often wonder what might be possible when the time is right." he caressed her face softly. "Though I shouldn't think such things about you."
"Please do." she insisted, making him laugh harder than she had ever seen. It always caught him off guard when she was so blunt with him, but in the best way possible.
"That was certainly a more enthusiastic reply than I expected. You never say what I think you will. What I wouldn't give to hear your thoughts just once."
"You seem to have a pretty good guess what they're about." she said, trying to come back down to Earth and get ready to face her father for the evening. She found it hard to stop remembering just how right it felt to have Edward hovering over her, kissing her, loving her. The blush wouldn't leave her face.
"In my human time, it was uncommon to even kiss a lady before marriage."
"You've really never even kissed anyone but me?"
"No. I kiss Esme or my sisters on the cheek on occasion."
"That doesn't count. So, our first kiss…"
"Was our first kiss. Unless…?"
"Does it count if we were both five years old?"
"No." he laughed. "I think we can agree on a pass for that one."
"He stole my markers right after. We broke up after five minutes."
Edward, still laughing, helped Bella on his back and started to run through the woods back to the Cullen home for his car. "I hope you don't consider me inappropriate with you. You must tell me if you ever want me to stop. Things are so different these days, but I never wish to make you uncomfortable."
"It's never going to happen." she said. "I know you don't like it when girls think about you like that though."
"You don't count as girls. You're the only person allowed to think about me in that way."
"I'm allowed?!" she asked in mostly fake excitement.
"If it makes you so happy." he said, unable to wipe the smile from his face. Things were looking up for them in so many ways. "Though would you forgive me if I asked us not to act on those urges right away?"
"I understand. There are other things we need to get through first."
"Indeed." he agreed, though he was really thinking of how quickly he could possibly get his ring on her finger without upsetting her or manipulating her either. He never wanted to do that, especially now that he learned many of her opinions weren't yet fully her own. But he did want to make her his wife more than anything as soon as she would allow it of her own free will. "Though you're right that I do need to hunt in the next few days as well for your safety. Would you be alright if I went briefly tonight?"
"You don't need to rush. I'm fine now. You need to run and just be yourself for a bit."
"I'm running and being myself right now."
"You know what I mean."
"I do. Though I don't like being away from you for long."
"I'll just be sleeping. I know you get bored lying there all night anyhow."
"Never. It's one of my favorite things. Watching you dream. Hearing you talk in your sleep."
"Have I been talking lately?"
"Sometimes you say my name." he said, his heart filled with love for this fragile human girl. They arrived at the Cullen's house and he sat her on her feet in front of the garage. "Let me drive you home."
"Then you'll hunt?"
"If you insist."
"Alright. But I want to spend more time in our meadow since it's going to be warming up soon. Just us."
"You will never hear me complain about that."
Author's Note: It wouldn't truly be Bella if she weren't a little hormonal, right? Lol. I'm not sure if this story will ever have lemons in it or not because it's slower-paced and I'm not sure where and when it might end. I don't typically like to change the rating of stories midway through, but it's a maybe in the future. For now, Edward and Bella have plenty more chapters worth of things to talk about and experience together. They certainly had a lot to say here.