Author's note: sorry its taken ages to update, it's a long update that'll have to keep you going for a while as I'm snowed with a course, work and 2 kids right now. Will update as soon as I can, R&R to encourage me to keep going!
Ch 3.
Following her test result Kate said very little. Jack did not try to pry information from her, he was happy for now to wait it out until she processed enough through her own mind to verbalise anything with him. After his shift with the button ended he suggested they take a walk to the beach to get some air, talk with some other people and generally show their faces so people didn't think they'd killed each other or something.
Kate resisted the idea at first, not wishing to discuss anything with anyone yet, but after Jack's reassurances that no one else knew she reluctantly conceded.
They arrived on the beach just before sunset, Locke approached them and inspected Kate's laceration, declaring it pretty unimpressive, then quickly made his excuses and turned away. Kate found an empty stretch of sand and sat to watch the waves on the shore line. Jack did his evening rounds, as he thought of them and checked on the general well-being of the other island survivors.
As Kate sat she became aware of someone watching her from behind.
"Can I help you with something Sawyer?" She said finally.
"Finally found something you can't run form then, eh Freckles?"
She did not give him the pleasure of a sharp reply, "I'm not running Sawyer, perhaps you haven't noticed? There are few places to run on this Island."
He sat next to her and matched her stare out over the ocean, "Sure, but in your head, you're still runnin. Why do you think you told me about what happened and not ole Jack?"
Still she did not face him, "because you were there, Sawyer and jack wasn't. We're talking now, he knows everything important, he's still here and so am I, in fact I think I'd like to get back to him and discuss things further. By the way, thanks for talking to Jack, please don't discuss this with anyone else." She faced him only to add emphasis to her words then was gone.
She found jack at the other end of the beach, he smiled at her return. After a brief discussion the decided that they would both stay at the hatch tonight, he told the other he wanted to keep an eye on her after she knocked herself out this afternoon. There were several knowing glances and junior high-type smiles but no comment was made and they returned as darkness fell over the island.
As they entered the hatch Jack entered the small sitting room which currently housed Charlie and Hurley who were part way through their button pushing shifts. Kate steered herself to the small bay which contained the bunk and tried to listen to what excuse Jack was giving them for their presence here this evening. She, disappointingly, heard very little despite her straining through the heavy door. She was startled by Jack's sudden appearance through the door a she had not heard his foot fall. She felt momentarily vulnerable, thinking she could not hear anyone approach, then realised that Jack had removed his shoes in small sitting room before joining her. She smiled at him and was surprised how comfortably and easily the expression came to her, she felt it had been a long time since she offered a true smile to anyone, even Jack.
He returned her gestured and reclined in the easy chair he'd earlier dragged in from the small sitting / kitchen area. "Don't know about you, but I'm beat." He shuffled in an attempt to make himself comfortable, a futile measure but he did no mind so much if he got to watch over Kate for the night. He analysed himself as shifted himself, was that all he wanted? To protect her, fix her? Be her doctor? No, he knew it wasn't, he wanted to know her to be part of her life, not just someone to muse over, clash with, and even manipulate as he had been so far.
"You aren't thinking of sleeping on there are you, Jack?" she asked him, "You'll wake up shaped like a question mark!"
"Then I'll be perfectly suited to fit into your life." He realised that his remark was perhaps a little sharp, but he had not intended it to be, it had been born out of his previous thoughts of their relationship so far, he sensed however, that something had shifted and she was ready to share more and allow him a look at what had really happened in her life before this place.
"And to your personality, always questioning, Jack." She threw the remark off, and he was glad, her mood had lightened significantly. Perhaps the truth can set you free. At least now she knew what she was facing, perhaps the imagination is worse than what reality delivers.
"It's my training," he dimmed the lights, "try to get some sleep, Kate. We can deal with all this in the day light, OK?"
She nodded her assent and lay on her side facing away from Jack. The unconscious gesture you've got my back, it had been a long time since she slept with her back to anyone.
It was dark, really dark. But still there was noise everywhere, people where shouting, numbers, words she didn't understand, her name, someone was shouting at her to open her eyes. Are they closed? She thought to herself, maybe they are. She tried to pull them open but they must have been tied down, she mused that an Olympic weight lifter could not have prized her eyes open at this point in time.
Instead of the words, the darkness, her eyes, she tried to concentrate on what she knew. I am alive, well I think I am, it's dark but if I were dead I'd have no reason to open my eyes, would I? What's the last thing she remembers? The horse, beautiful, she was driving … the intersection, .. the car… what happened?
She tries to feel something with her hand, is she still in the car? Can she reach the door handle, no, she thinks her hand is tied down, no, wait, someone is holding it down, why? What else can she feel? Its cold, she feels cold, she realises for the first time that she is shivering; she's laying down on something hard. Hands, her hands are hurting, she feels pressure in the veins in the backs of her hands, something cold moving up from them, up to her arms. An I.V.? She thinks she must be alive if she has two IV's. She must be very sick though. Now her neck, her head is being pulled to one side, she fights, she is beaten, she wants to scream as she feels a long tube winding it's way through a vein in her neck, but her hands have stopped hurting, that's good right?
What else can she feel? Her legs, oh good I CAN feel my legs, but her thighs are warm and damp, oh God, she thinks, I have to tell them about the baby!
Finally she understands what someone is saying, 'she's pregnant,' a nurse shouts from across the room, 'not any more' is the grim reply from her side.
Her world turns dark again.
Kate jumped awake and found herself sitting up, it took a little while for her consciousness to catch up with the leap her body had made from sleeping to upright. As she sat, hearing her own breathing and heartbeat rushing through her ears, she let her memory drift back to her slowly instead of trying to force the recollection of where she was back into her head.
Dark, yes it was definitely dark, but she could make out shapes so her eyes were open, she made an effort to slow her breathing as the room came into focus properly and her mind put it into context. Her eyes cleared her dark fog of the room as her brain fought through the fog of her mind. Finally she brought her eyes down from the ceiling they had fixed on and they found jack returning her gaze.
"You OK?" he asked her in hushed tones, "Feeling sick again?"
She shook her head, "No, I'm ok, I was just dreaming."
He sat beside her on the bed, "Want to talk?"
She shrugged, "Not really, it's cold down here, I never noticed that before." She shuffled over to allow him more space then lay on her side to face him, she gestured that he should join her.
He raised a questioning eyebrow but lay next to her regardless. His posture was uncomfortable, not really knowing what the boundary of this interaction was. "What are you thinking about?" He asked her.
"Just this, this whole situation, what I should do."
He noticed that she avoided putting her thoughts into specifics, perhaps it was easier to pretend that this was a vague situation when in fact what was required was a specific decision. "If we weren't here, what would you be thinking about it then?"
"If we weren't here, hadn't crashed on to an Island inhabited by its very own psychotic tribe who like to snatch babies and pregnant women?" He nodded in response, "I wouldn't be thinking very much because I wouldn't have this decision to make Jack. I'd be in prison, I'd never have met you and I certainly wouldn't be pregnant."
Jack nodded his assent, "I know, this place is crazy, no one would expect you want to have this baby, Kate, no one will judge you, but no one has to know, whatever you decide until you're ready." Jack took a deep breath in, "But, Kate, you should know that it may not be as simple as you might think."
She almost laughed in reply, "Simple? There are many things I would call this but simple is not one of them Jack."
"I know, I just mean, I want to help you, whatever that means, but you should know. We have lots of drugs that could ... harm the ... baby, but right now I don't have anything that would ... finish the pregnancy." He tried to put it as delicately as he could, meaning of course that if she wanted to end the pregnancy they were going to have to do something pretty drastic to bring that about.
She raised an eyebrow, "oh, I hadn't really thought about it, but I'm not so sure that's what I want to do, Jack."
He looked surprised, "Really?"
She turned onto her back to avoid facing him, she felt a little like a high school girl at camp, she always found it easier to be honest if she did not have to watch his reaction and monitor his response, the ceiling would be an adequate conversational partner, "Jack, I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have since I've been on the run, I've probably hurt a lot of people, my family, friends. If this had happened anywhere else, you know without consent I wouldn't hesitate. But things are different here, what if, having this baby, keeping it safe, what if that's a chance to atone for some of the things I've done? Give a child a chance of life that I probably would have just discarded if I were anywhere else?"
He waited until her eyes returned to him to give his response, "That's a lot to put on yourself, and a child Kate. In this sort of environment, it's not going to be an easy pregnancy."
"Is there such a thing? I thought you said there wasn't really another option?" she turned her back on him and directed her gaze out of the window into the sunlight substitute which shone against the rocks and through the gap in the blinds.
He hesitated, then moved in closer and lay his hand on her arm, "I want you to think about this, if you want this baby that's great I'll be here, I'll do whatever you need to help, but if you don't I will find a way to help you." He hesitated again, "Maybe Sun knows of something natural? You can trust her, she's discreet, she won't tell anyone, she'll help us."
Kate did not respond but was hung up on Jack using the word us, what did he mean by that? It wasn't his baby, he didn't have any real responsibility for her, other than being her self-appointed physician, psychologist, friend and occasional kissing partner and yet she was struck by his overwhelming response that they had to work it out together. She hadn't depended on anyone in years, not since Tom, after the accident. She sighed, "Jack, I just am not sure I can go through it again. Before, I lost my baby and everything turned upside down from there. I lost every certainty I ever had in my life after that, one by one. But, really how can I have this baby? It would be selfish, put everyone in danger. And I know I don't want this baby, I'm just not sure I can face the alternative right now."
Jack pulled her close and wrapped the blanket around them both, "It doesn't have to be now, or tomorrow, or the next day you're in control and if you don't want to do it then you know that everyone of us will do our best to keep you both safe. As for certainties, you have a new one Kate, I'm going to be here, right here, ok? I meant it, we're in this together, I'm not letting you run away from me this time."
He eased her up and slipped his other arm underneath her so she was enveloped between them, she did not return the contact but relaxed against him, after a few minutes of silence he leant over and saw she was sleeping, he gently planted a kiss on her forehead and sunk back down beside her following her to sleep.
When Jack woke it was daylight, but then it had been daylight when he fell asleep thanks to the constant artificial sunlight they had been, as of yet, unable to turn off for a respite. Glancing to his left he found Kate still fast asleep his arm underneath her. His arm was in fact feeling quite dead but in the circumstances he didn't mind. He had never seen Kate so utterly asleep; in fact he was not sure he had ever actually seen her asleep, ever. She always seemed to be awake whatever the time of day or night he came across her. It seemed her super-human powers had failed her and the physical exhaustion of pregnancy induced ailments and the fairly hostile environment had taken their toll on her. Although generally of a pale complexion her face was virtually transparent and her lips almost white, even in sleep her brow wore a furrow indicative of her troubles. As she finally stirred, perhaps feeling his gaze on her, he extracted his arm from beneath her, "Mornin." He said softly.
She opened her eyes and her brow furrowed deeper, "mmmmm." she groaned.
Not a morning person then, he though to himself but out loud, "You OK?"
"The room's kind of ... spinning."
Jack took her hand, "I'll get you some water, stay here."
He crept away wishing to cause as little disturbance as he could, in the kitchen area he found Charlie and Hurley lounging following their shift on the button. He imagined they had waited to see if they could pick up any information, being that their shift had ended roughly an hour ago.
"Hey, dude, what's up?" Hurley greeted him with a seemingly knowing smile.
"Just need some water for Kate, she's not feeling so hot."
They exchanged glances, "Worn her out man?"
"Kept her up all night I bet, man." Was Charlie's contribution.
"No, actually, she sick, OK? And she doesn't need you two making stupid comments OK?" Jack snapped back at them.
Hurley spread his hands in a surrendering gesture, "Whatever dude, no business of mine, is she like ... quarantine sick though?"
"No, Hurley, she's not, she probably has a concussion, she needs an eye keeping on her so she'll probably be staying in the hatch today, that Ok with you?"
"Whoa, chill out Jack, we're sorry OK. Just having a joke, we didn't mean anything by it." Charlie said to his back as he stormed away.
Jack handed her the water and she drank silently, "Thanks." she said simply, meaning far more than just the water be being unable to put anything else into words.
Again, jack assumed what she had come to think of as his 'medical pose' opposite her.
"You're still dehydrated, keep drinking." Kate nodded her agreement, "There's some things I should do, feel your abdomen, make sure the baby's in the right place, take a history, you don't have to answer anything you're not comfortable with. It just helps me to take care of you now if I know what's happened before."
She nodded her agreement, "Now?"
"No time like the present." He hesitated, "I know this is awkward, Kate, I feel close to you, I wouldn't normally know my patients this well, also I suppose OB is not exactly my speciality either."
She shrugged, "It's OK Jack, there's not a lot of choice about anything on this Island is there? We're all in a situation we don't want to be in; we just have to make the best of it."
He nodded, using a sideways glance to buy him a moment, "Can you tell me about your previous pregnancy?"
She nodded, her expression remained solemn, "I lost the baby at about 15 weeks, I was in a car accident. After that I had a still birth." She was to the point, brief, rip that band aid off Kate.
Jack's expression fell about 100 feet, this pregnancy would have meant to much to her, he could see now why she had tried to get her head around a way that it would be OK to keep the baby. Make what had happened acceptable to herself. He could see why she had denied it to herself, wanting to stave off all those unhappy memories. He felt sick at the prospect of helping her end this pregnancy, what she was about to go through, it would bring back memories of every horrifying second of what she's already gone through. "Kate," he whispered, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea. If I'd known ... I had no idea... I made you deliver Clare ... Kate I'm so sorry, that must've ..."He lowered his head to his hands.
"Shh." She placed a comforting hand on top of his head, "You didn't know Jack, you're not cruel. Anyway, it was a good thing to do, no harm done OK?"
He nodded but did not feel any conviction. No wonder she kept so many secrets, the most basic things had turned on her, he couldn't imagine how she'd ever gotten out of bed after that. "Did you have any medical problem with the pregnancy, you know with regard to your own health?" His voice remained hushed as if speaking in a church; he could not imagine what recollections he was stirring up.
She shook her head sadly, "No, the baby died because of a true knot in the cord."
Jack nodded sadly, "Very rare." He intoned quietly.
"Yes," she whispered, "so I'm told. Do you want to prod me now?"
He nodded and gave her a hand up onto the bunk, as she lay back he could see her eyes were brimmed with tears that she was doing her best to hold back, "Kate, what you said, if you do want to ... go through with this, I'll do everything I can to -"
She shook her head, "No, you're right I can't for so many reasons. At least ... at least this way is my choice." tears escaped, she tried to fight them back at first then gave in and let them roll silently down her face.
Jack silently wiped a few away and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead, slightly outside the usual doctor patient confines, but he felt that was what she needed at that moment, or perhaps he just needed to feel he was giving her as much as he could.
Kate turned her face away and stared at the window beside her as jack palpated her abdomen. It made her feel cold and sick, could he feel the baby? Was it squirming away from his touch? She imagined she could feel it curled up there like a stone. She felt her body tilt as he sat next to her. His silence concerned her.
"Jack?"
He faced her, she read disappointment in his expression, he cleared his throat, "Were you seeing someone before the crash?"
"What? No, what does this-?"
"You were pregnant before that night Kate."
She shook her head, "No that's impossible, really I assure you it is."
He stood up abruptly, "Kate are you lying? Why would you lie? Do you think I won't help you if you tell me that you slept with some guy in Sydney? Do you think that little of me that you can't bother to tell me the truth about anything?" He stormed for the door.
"Jack, wait, please." she shouted after him, she was crying properly now, in confusion and anger that he could jump to conclusions about her so quickly. Perhaps it would always be that way; she was after all a criminal.
"No, Kate." he stormed out the door.
In her anger and distress she forgot that anyone else would be around, "I am NOT lying, I could not have been pregnant when we crashed her, why are you so sure that I'm lying!" she screamed after him. She came abruptly to a halt when she realised that Charlie and Hurley had just witness most of that exchange.
The sudden publicity of the situation seemed to calm jack slightly and he turned to face her, "You want me to discuss this with you now, here?"
Kate faced the pair who stood open mouthed, "Might as well, it looks like I don't have too many secrets left, Jack." This drew awkward shuffles from the pair of onlookers but they did not make a move to leave.
"I'm a doctor Kate, not an OB, but I know how to do a basic assessment, OK? When I examined you just now I could feel the top of your uterus, just here," he drew an imaginary line just above the level of her hips, "that means that you are at least 12 weeks pregnant. If not you uterus is twice the size it should be for when you conceived Kate."
Her face ashen she looked him straight in the face and replied through her tears, "If you're a doctor jack you should be well aware of what causes that."
"What?" Kate starred blankly at him from her pillow, her legs were in plaster, she had drains and line in, she could not move, her brain was thankful as it had just fried it's self and was unsure that it could co-ordinate movement as well as process this newest piece of information.
"Twins." He whispered the word as if saying it too loud might break it, "You did lose a baby in the crash, Kate, but one survived, you're still pregnant. I didn't know whether to tell you now, or wait. I thought it might be something that helped you get back on your feet."
A tear leaked down her face, "I'm sorry you found out like this, Tom, I didn't want you to drop everything for me, I understand you have responsibilities to your job-"
He placed his finger over her lips, "My responsibility right now is to get you better and look after you and this baby, it's a miracle you're both alive."
Jack's posture suddenly slacked, "Kate, I'm sorry, I was out of line." His official line changed head-spinningly fast.
She nodded.
"What we discussed, that was-"
She nodded, "I need some fresh air." Was all she said.
"I'm sorry, Kate let me come with you-" he tried to take her hand as she passed, she brushed him away.
Jack stood and let her go, he thought a few minutes on her own to calm down might be helpful, then again it might just give her enough time to formulate another 20 reasons to throttle the life out of him. He sighed deeply and turned to the two silent on-lookers, "You shouldn't have heard any of that, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't share it?"
They both nodded solemnly, "Jack, I can honestly say I'm really sure what I'd say." Was Charlie's response.
"Kate's pregnant?" Hurley asked. As Jack nodded in reply he continued, "She's a tough chick man, you made her cry, think you'd better go after her? She's on her own, pregnant with twins? I'd be more worried about freaky jungle people snatchin' the lady than getting a bit shouted at."