Well, here goes. A third, valiant attempt at reposting this.
First, a little verbiage (for you newbies, I always prate at the beginning of chapters): It's amazing, the other day I realized it had been three years since I started my site (May 19, 2003-May 19, 2006) about a month ago. Didn't even realize, been so busy. Hooray, junior year's over.
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Okay, so I'm reposting this for, what, the second time? So, to see if will get off my back, I'm going to make a small format change or two. If you want to read it in Script format, go to my site (it's in my profile) and you'll see Season One there, I'll put up the rest of it later. Okey?
Anyway, for those of you who haven't read this, you've really been missing out. Read it and you'll enjoy.
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When I originally wrote this, I put "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUGIVE A KID A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN FOR AN AFTERNOON".Eh, I was in middle school. However, I do guarantee you will like this.
PROLOGUE
Voice says, Long ago, there were forged the Scripts of Power…Three to the Elves, immortal, fairest and wisest of the Races...good in supporting roles, too…Seven to the Dwarves, who TOTALLY ROCK with SFX…
And nine, nine to the Race of Men, who above all else desire starring roles…coughViggo Mortensencough
Voice 2 says, How come no Scripts were given to the Hobbits? Eh?
Voice 1 says, Shut up, Merry, I'm trying to talk here.
But they were all deceived.
For there was another…
Voice 2(Merry) says, Was it given to the Hobbits? Hmm?
Voice 1 says, No! Moving along…
In the dark country of Hollywood, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Phillipa Boyens forged a Script, and into it, they poured their budget, a contract, an original text by J.R.R Tolkien, and their will to dominate the Academy Award for three straight years…
One Script to Rule Them All…
And one by one, the critics of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Script…
But there were some…who resisted.
There was formed a Last Picket Line of Elves and Men and the Occasional Dwarf--
Voice 2(Merry) says, And Hobbits?
Voice 1 says, No! So…
And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the Unionization of Middle-Earth.
Elrond says, (at the head of troops) Are we ready? One…Two…(approaching Orc lines are shot down by stray pickets)…Three…GO!
(A line of Men cuts down the first Orc line, slicing picket signs systematically)
Elrond says, That's right! More pay or we won't stay! More pay or we won't stay! We Elves don't have to stick around and shoot Jackson's--
Voice 2 says, Michael? Cool! Thriller!
Voice 1 says, No, silly; Peter. Now hush!
Elrond says, (continues) –motion picture trilogy! We can just sail into the West! More pay or we won't stay! Sing it 'til the Oliphaunts come home!
But the power of the Script...could not be undone.
(Sauron appears--Script and Ring in hand)
Sauron says, (waves Script) Ha! Script says…DIE!
(Soldiers read the Script revealing their death; groan, and shoot off into the air screaming)
But when all hope seemed lost…
(Elendil slammed against wall; Isildur comes to his side--then Sauron appears)
Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.
Sauron says, (waving Script) DIE! NOW!
Isildur says, Um...No. By the way, you're standing on a sword. Lemme take it.
(Isildur grabs sword; hilt-shard breaks off)
Sauron says, Darn, I broke it. Oops. NOW DIE!
Isildur says, Did you even read the Script?
Sauron says, Yes, and I'm the big baddie--NOW DIE! DIE!
Isildur says, Um…No. See…(waves the hilt-shard of Narsil maniacally)
Sauron says, Hey watch it now! You'll put an eye out!
Isildur says, No! My Sword!
Sauron says, Dratted young'uns! Now be careful, this is a new cloak with matching boots!
Isildur says, Huh? Whatever. I'll be careful, geezer.
Sauron says, OWOWOWOW! I told you that you'd put an eye out!
Isildur says, (still waving Sword) What now!
Sauron says, My eye! You cut it out, and wow, it's gone and landed on that tower I built way back when.
Isildur says, The Trump Tower?
Sauron says, No; the other one. Barad-dur. Now it's started getting bigger…Whoa, it's hideous, I should've gone easy on the mascara…and now it's lidless, wreathed in flowers--
Isildur says, Flames.
Sauron says, Huh?
Isildur says, You said "wreathed in flowers", but the Script says, "wreathed in flames".
Sauron says, Oh.
(The "Eye" is suddenly wreathed in flames instead of flowers--Sauron sighs)
There goes my blue ribbon garden…
Isildur says, Yeah, well that piece of you will survive this next bit.
Sauron says, Are you threatening me?
Isildur says, Quite possibly. See, you have to turn the Eye "on" to get it all…creepy…
Sauron says, Your point…?
Isildur says, My Sword. See?
Sauron says, I think says,
Isildur says, But not as well with one Eye, I bet. Anyway, you need to turn the Eye "on", but you can't now, but you'll return to do it in a few millennia.
Sauron says, How do you know this?
Isildur says, Script.
Sauron says, Oh. Is this gonna cost me to turn it "on"?
Isildur says, It's like those cruddy binocular sets on stands. Y'know, the ones tourists use, but it eats up their money? Fifty cents, too says, nothing's free anymore.
Sauron says, I'll borrow it off Saruman later.
Elendil says, (waking) Isildur, how many times do I have to tell you, no playing with sharp objects like hilt-shards! You don't know where that Sword has been!
Isildur says, It's yours, Dad.
Elendil says, Well, how do you know I've washed my hands? Eh?
Isildur says, (to Sauron) Family's always embarrassing, ain't it? And…No offense, Dad, but 'ccording to the Script, you die now.
Elendil says, (snaps his fingers) Golly gosh darn it! (dies)
Isildur says, You, too, Sauron.
Sauron says, Man, just when we were getting all chummy…
Gil-Galad says, Don't I get to be in this movie, too?
Isildur says, No.
Gil-Galad says, (snaps his fingers) Golly gosh darn it! (dies)
(Sauron then explodes in an explosive explosion of explosive SFX explosives)
Isildur says, Ha! Now the Ring is mine! (hesitates) But wait…what if Sauron had a will?
And Isildur had this one chance to destroy all evil…
Peter Jackson (PJ) says, Just sign on the dotted line!
Isildur says, (holding pen) Hokely dokely!
But he screwed it up.
(Cut to says, Isildur riding with line of men, Ring on chain around his neck)
Isildur says, Look! Orcs! Fight, men, fight!
Men says, Nah.
Isildur says, Darn it! Curse ye, Hollywood, thou hast tricked me…Script of deeeea--(attacked by Orcs, dies)
(Ring floats down Great River)
And slowly…the tale faded to rumor, rumor into legend, legend into tabloid stories, and tabloid into a NOVA special on the legend aired by PBS…
Until it was found by the creature Gollum, who fled with it into the Misty Mountains…But the Ring abandoned Gollum…
(Ring clinks around on rocks)
Apparently it wanted alimony payments…
Yet then something happened the Ring did not perceive…(most likely a faulty fortune cookie)…It was found by a Hobbit…
Voice 2 says, YES! YES! A HOBBIT, FINALLY!
Bilbo says, What's this?
Bilbo Baggins of the Shire…
Bilbo says, A Ring! And a Script, too! Hmm…It says, "Wail says, Preeeecious!"
Wail says, Preeeecious!
Bilbo says, Right-ho! I suppose I'll take this…
(Cut to says, The Shire, 60 years later)