What, an update in three days?…! Don't start expecting it. But anyway, why ruin a great occasion.

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So, this is the first chapter of the thing. The format is still changed, still plenty of grammar mistakes because I basically lifted this off Greenbooks and did some find-and-replace magic. Yes, I know they're there, but I've edited this several times and if deletes the edited version, what do I do?

Nothing! Yay. It's kind of funny, because at this point PotR has developed a kind of interesting history. Peep my site, hit "background" for details and the "chart of shame". As for the quotations, do you really expect me to go through the whole thing and insert them in? Anyway, I was more excited last time I posted this for the first time, mostly because I posted all of Season One in one chapter. Now there's seventeen to go, so buckle yourselves in, it's a long ride.

Commence!

Not-So-Real World Productions Presents:
The Parody of the Ring says, SEASON ONE

This is a story. A tale of how nine guys, a camera crew, some good armies, and some evil armies, can stop acting nice, and start acting REAL. This is…the Not-So-Real-World.

(shuffling off-screen)

My name is Peter Jackson.

(more shuffling)

And this is the story of how…

(shuffling stops)

We shot The Lord of the Rings. It was hard, especially on our budget, but we did it. We transported me, a camera, and a film crew into Tolkien's middle-earth. We had some mishaps, like the "pregnant chads" in Miami-Dade, and the ending of humanity 50 years ahead of schedule (an ACCIDENT!), but we crossed multiple dimensions to here. Now we can film the trilogy, with almost semi-good actin', by following the Fellowship, as the journey through the world like pathetic little ants, with a camera.

(Numbers come on screen; beeps like in old movies)

3…

2…

1…

ACTION!

Day 1 Diary

PJ says, I'm just getting ready for the Hobbiton shots. Good day.

Scene 1, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Road, Hobbiton

Gandalf says, Hum-drum…This looks like a job for me, so everybody here just follow me…

Scene 1, Take 2(Beep!)

Frodo says, (appearing) You're late!

Gandalf says, (stops cart) A wizard is never late…Nor does he arrive early. He arrives precisely when he--say, what's that big black thing?

Frodo says, Gandalf, that's a camera!

Gandalf says, It looks like the work of the Dark Lord! There is great evil afoot!

PJ says, (smacks forehead) CUT!

Scene 1, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, Hum-drum…Whoa…Oops, eeeek!

(Gandalf and cart tip--then fall over)

Gandalf says, Aaaaaah!

(Fireworks explode)

(Camera swivels wildly)

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 1, Take 4 (Beep!)

Frodo says, Tell me of the outside world! Tell me everything!

Gandalf says, Everything? Well, what can I say, there's another Bush in office…stuff in Iraq, too…

PJ says, Cut. Just cut. (sighs) I'm starting to see a real downside to this…

Scene 1, Take 327 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, Something I am glad of…

Frodo says, Gandalf, yes, we finished the scene!

Gandalf says, You fool of a Baggins! We still have two lines!

PJ says, Somebody shoot me…

Scene 3, Take 1 (Beep!)

Bilbo says, No thank you! We don't need any well-wishers, old relations, salesmen, or otherwise!

Gandalf says, And what about old friends?

Bilbo says, (opens door) Gandalf! Gandalf, old friend, can't you read! It says NO ADMITTANCE!

Scene 3, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, (to Bilbo) You haven't aged a day…Been usin' those Alpha Hydroxy creams, eh?

Scene 4, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

Bilbo says, I can make you some eggs, if you'd like…

Gandalf says, (back turned, face in Bilbo's food pantry, stuff face and cloak with food) What? Just tea, thank you…Ooh, muffins!

Day 1 Diary

PJ says, Finally finish Bag End scenes. Bilbo's party, soon.

Scene 6, Take 1 (Beep!)

Bilbo says, Gandalf, old friend, this will be a night to remember.

Gandalf says, Well, I still say the Elves throw better 'raves'…

PJ says, CUT, GANDALF, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING!

Gandalf says, Southfarthing Leaf, old friend…Best in the Shire!

Scene 8, Take 1 (Beep!) Party

Frodo says, C'mon, Sam, ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam says, I think I'll have another ale..

Frodo says, No, you won't! (pushes Sam)

Sam says, Yes I will! (pushes Frodo hard)

(Frodo gets up and punches Sam in face)

(Fists fly)

Bilbo says, CATFIGHT! (jumps in pig-pile)

Scene 9, Take 1 (Beep!) Party Tent

Merry says, No, no…the BIG one, yes…

(Merry and Pippin run in tent with firework; affix it loosely in ground)

Merry says, All right! Er…Put it in the ground!

Pippin says, It is in the ground! (pushes firework at Merry)

Merry says, Well, I don't want it! (pushes it at Pip)

Pippin says, Well, I--AAAH!

(Firework shoots up with Pippin)

(It comes down in a fireball)

Pippin says, That's it! I QUIT!

(His hair is still on fire)

Scene 11, Take 1 (Beep!) Party-Tree

Bilbo says, And…well…BYE!

(Bilbo attempts to jump from stand to under a table quickly)

Odo Proudfoot says, Whadja do THAT for?

PJ says, Bilbo, you were supposed to put on the Ring and disappear!

Bilbo says, I know, but just going 'poof' gave me the heebie-jeebies!

Scene 11, Take2 (Beep!)

Bilbo says, (muttering to self) Yes.. I've put this off long enough…THIS IS THE END! I'M GOING TO VEGAS! GOOD-BYE!

Scene 13, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

Gandalf says, (appearing) I suppose you thought that was terribly funny. A real Seinfeld, you are!

Scene 13, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, BILBO BAGGINS! I am not trying to rob you…Well, actually, I did rob you…Some crystal candlesticks…and some of those jools… a couple of bagels--

PJ says, Gandalf, can we confess SOME OTHER TIME!

Scene 14, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf says, Bilbo…The Ring is still in your pocket…

Bilbo says, (shakes hips) Why don't you come and get it, big boy?

PJ says, Oh…my…God.

Scene 16, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo says, (coming in) He's gone, hasn't he?

Gandalf says, (muttering) Riddles in the dark…Oh, yes…He's finally gone to Vegas.

Scene 17, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo says, Where are you going?

Gandalf says, To the bank, m'lad, then on to Vegas!

Frodo says, But you've only just arrived!

Gandalf says, Well, when you're hot, you're hot!

Day 3, Scene 19, Take 1 (Beep!) Minas Tirith

Gandalf says, (reading the Scroll of Isildur) Hmmm…Whoops! (spills coffee)

(Coffee soaks through scroll)

Gandalf says, Uh-oh…