Ah, another masterpiece among, well, masterpieces.
And, for those of you crazy Legolas fangirls, Legolas does indeed lose his pants in this chapter.
But, no—probably not in the way you're thinking.
Not-So-Real-World Productions Presents:
The Parody of the Rings: Season One
Part 6, being the literary gem right after the last five
Scene 67, Take 1 (Beep!) Bilbo's Room
Bilbo: Mithiril…Try it on!
(Frodo unbuttons shirt--tries coat on)
Bilbo: Oh…My Ring…If I could just see it for a moment--
(Frodo closes buttons)
Bilbo: ARGH! (makes faces--dentures fall out) O poob! Ub dub noob glug!
Day 13, Scene 68, Take 1 (Beep!)Outside Rivendell
Merry: Hey, guys, guess what today is!
Legolas: The day we start our Quest by leaving Rivendell…?
Merry: No, silly! It's December 25th! Christmas!
Pippin: Hey, everybody: Have a Merry Christmas!
Gimli: (mumbling) Can I be Santa Claus…?
Boromir: Dear God, this is gonna be one long trip.
Scene 71, Take 1 (Beep!)Rocks, somewhere
Boromir: One, two, three! Good, now you!
(Boromir, Pippin, Merry, practice Sword-fighting)
Aragorn: Bend at the knees more….
Pippin: (bends) Like this?
Aragorn: No, no…(walks over to Pippin) Whoa!
(Aragorn "trips" and "falls" on Pippin in a tangle of limbs)
Pippin: You okay?
Aragorn: Fine, just fine…(walks away quickly)
Pippin: Odd…(pats pockets) Hey, where's my wallet?
Scene 72, Take 1 (Beep!) Rocks, again
Gimli: If you ask me--
Legolas: No one did.
Gimli: Shut up! Anyway…It seems to me that we're taking the long way around…Why not FLY over a mountain? My cousin Balin could get us round-class, cheap tickets…MoriAir!
Scene 72, Take 2 (Beep!)
Legolas: (looking out into sky) Crebain from Dunland!
Pippin: No, wait--pigeons!
Gandalf: Saboteurs of Saruman! A fly-by dung bombing! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Scene 72, Take 3 (Beep!)
Gandalf: We must take the pass…Of Caradhras!
Gimli: What part of MORIA isn't getting through here?
Pippin: No South-Road? Oh, well. I didn't bring suntan lotion, anyway. But it's gonna be cold…
Legolas: And me without my mink coat!
Merry: I didn't even bring my passport…
Day 15, Scene 74, Take 1 (Beep!)
(Boromir picks up the dropped Ring)
Boromir: Is it not odd that we should suffer so much fear and doubt to for so small a thing? So small a thing! And cheap, too! Looks like Sauron got it at a garage sale!
Aragorn': Boromir, put down the cheap jewelry…
Day 16, Scene 75, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard
(Crebain issue into pits, through holes, to Saruman)
Saruman: (listening to birds) So, Gandalf, you take them over Caradhras…Couldn't stop by to see little Old Saruman, could you? No…Always too busy…
Day 16 Diary
PJ: Remember, we must shoot this in real-time to avoid screwing up Tolkien's world (though our little "cheapie" stint wasn't THAT bad…). So, if something jumps between scenes quickly, we have to a)shoot it at a previous time or b) shoot it at the same time with two cameras. We must do this now, so Saruman can work his magic.
Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 1 (Beep!)
Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!
Gandalf: Dratted Saruman! Such a busybody!
Isengard
Saruman: Ash nazg Caradhras--(loud screeching noises) Oh, bloody magical loudspeaker!
Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 2
Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!
Gandalf: (blocking snow with hand) Darned low pressure systems!
Isengard
(Camera approaches lone figure on Orthanc--Saruman)
Saruman: (chanting--stops) Hey, turn that thing off! (motions to helicopter) I can't even hear myself think!
PJ: Saruman, focus! Never mind the camera-copter! Turn off the sound in your mind!
Helicopter pilot: What? Turn it off?
Cameraman: No! Ignore it! Just keep going right--
(Thud)
(Camera swivels as helicopter blades graze Orthanc--then camera and cameraman fall out)
PJ: Look what you did!
Pilot: What?
Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 3 (Beep!)
(Legolas leaps forward to rock, his pants snag as he runs)
Legolas: There is a fell voice--hey, what's so funny? Why are you guys all laughing?
(Fellowship laughs; Gimli rolls with laughter)
Merry: It's…(snicker)…Your pants…(giggles)
Legolas: My pants! Well, I'm pretty sure this morning I didn't put on my tie-dye-flash bell-bottoms--oh my gosh! (look down to pants--notices that his pants, upon snagging on rock, had completely ripped off) And I thought it was just a draft!
(Legolas inches toward cliff-edge, covering his legs)
Legolas: Fly…you fools! (jumps off cliff)
Scene 80, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard
Saruman: You know what the Dwarves awoke, delving too deep…Ernie…And no cable for the whole way under, too, since the damn router at Lórien has been busted!
Scene 81, Take 1 (Beep!)
Gandalf: Let the Ring-bearer…decide. And Vegas is not a choice!
Frodo: Damn!
Day 17, Scene 82, Take 1 (Beep!)West-gate, Moria
Gimli: The wall…of Moria! (runs ahead)
Legolas: Oh, shut up!
Boromir: (sarcastically) Look! The port-a-potties…of Moria!
Gimli: (halts) Where!
Scene 82, Take 2 (Beep!)
Frodo: What's the Elvish word for friend?
Gandalf: Er…Friendildil? Friendissimo?
Legolas: That's not it! It's--
Gandalf: Oh, shut up! I forgot one word…so what? I haven't been taking my ginkgo biloba lately, okay?
Aragorn: Ironic you forgot the word friend…'Cuz you don't have any!
Scene 83, Take 1 (Beep!)Moria's West-gate
(Fellowship attacked by octopus; Frodo dragged out, then saved)
Boromir: (hacking at octopus tentacle) Who wants sushi!
Scene 84, Take 1 (Beep!)Moria--Entrance hall
(Fellowship walks in past cave-in; Gandalf lights staff)
Boromir: (sees remains--gasps) Orcs! (draws sword)
Sam: No…There's dwarves, too, but everything's dead! Ew…
Legolas: This place just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it, Gimli?
Gimli: So Balin could use some re-decorating…so what?
Day 18, Scene 86, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--It's a big place, y'know
(Fellowship climbs the stairs--Merry slips)
Merry: Damn! These Timbs don't have that great a grip! Me and my style…
Scene 87, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--If Gandalf doesn't know, how should I?
Gandalf: …I have no memory of this place.
Boromir: I knew we should've gotten a tour guide!
Frodo: So…the "ginkgo biloba" again, eh, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Shut the hell up.
Well, there it is.
And that would be the end for today! New parts up tomorrow! Unless I'm lying again! Which is very probable!