Fanfiction Loyals!

Hey you guys! So look I know I haven't updated in a while but I was working hard on these next 2 chapters. I'm trying to make this seem really realistic; I want anyone who watches the show to be able to envision the characters saying and doing the things that they are doing in this story. Anyway, I am trying to push out the rest of this over this long weekend; so please, please comment you guys. I am really in need of comments. I only have 6 and I want at least 25 okay? Please!

Alright, these 2 chapters are dedicated to Solaris Phoebus and babyprincess56. They have been really inspiring me to write! Thanx you girls!

Jazzy-Raveler

Chapter 7

Not Today

Emma didn't get much sleep that night. But much to her own surprise she didn't spend the night crying. Instead of crying Emma found herself recalling memories of her time with Sean.

The moment she had uttered the words "I don't want to know you." She'd regretted saying them. For one thing there was no truth whatsoever in the statement, but in the heat of the moment Emma had had to say something that she knew would stop Sean in his tracks. And for another thing it caused Emma to realize that some of the most monumental moments in her life were marked by events that had to do with Sean.

Sean had been Emma's first serious crush; he'd asked her out on her first-horrible, Emma thought with a laugh-date and he'd been her first boyfriend. When she'd staged a protest against genetically modified foods in the Degrassi caf, Sean had encouraged her "Don't let them shut you up," before she'd went ahead with the protest that ultimately got her a weeks suspension.

When her Mother had gotten married Sean had come…and after dancing for a little while, she had her first kiss...with Sean. This had always been one of her fondest memories and she'd bored Sean nearly to tears talking about how romantic it was that they'd kissed "on my mom's wedding day. Sean, I swear it's a sign!" Sean would always roll his eyes at her with a smart remark like "Yeah… that I'm never getting married," and then she would commence to chasing him, the 2 of them always inevitably falling over one another laughing.

When Emma'd wanted to find out who her real father was-Snake being her stepfather and at that point the only "dad" she'd ever known-Sean had refused to skip with her to find him. But, later that night, after Emma'd found that her father was in a nursing home because of a mental disability, and she called Sean and cried to him about it. He'd apologized for not having gone there with her. Emma had been so upset that her mom wouldn't tell her where her dad was-and that she'd left him there all those years and that night Sean had ended up talking her out of doing something drastic like running away from home telling her "…don't be dumb Em,…you don't know the whole story." Of course he'd been right, the next day Emma's father tracked her down and almost ended up hurting her pregnant mother after becoming enraged because she was pregnant with a baby and he couldn't be part of it's life. Emma often shivered at this memory, almost being brought to tears by what would have happened if Sean hadn't convinced her not to leave home and she hadn't been there.

Sean Cameron had supported all of Emma's causes, signing her petition to put a tampon dispenser in the girls bathroom, defending her black panther endangered species interpretive dance at a Degrassi school caberet, helping her to put up and then take down posters when she was cluing students in on the reasons they shouldn't buy some sort of toilet seats made from trees in the Rain Forest, and cleaning the ravine-although that had been the breaking point in their relationship. And then finally, when Emma had lost all hope of She and Sean ever falling in love again, he'd saved her life; risking his life and beginning a chain of events that would alter Emma for the rest of hers.

Thinking about it Emma realized that her relationship with Sean had been the deepest, closest, and up until the moment they broke up- most meaningful relationship she had ever had with another human being. Being that she and Manny had grown very much apart within the year that she and Sean broke up and even farther apart this past year, Emma pretty much kept all her thoughts, feelings and ideas to herself.

Peter, she thought at one point with a sigh, thinking about what Peter said about never really having a girlfriend Emma figured-no-Emma knew that she hadn't been a very good one to him. The main problem that Emma had been having since the shooting was trying to pretend that she was over everything. When, the hard cold fact was that she wasn't.

Emma didn't know how to get over something so painful, so disturbing, so haunting. She'd thought she was going to die, thought someone she loved was dead-Sean, she'd seen someone else die-Rick, and then she'd had to deal with the pain of losing Sean, that part of her life that she'd thought she had the strength to close but realized all at once that it was anything but over. Finally Emma forced down the bad thoughts about the shooting and relied on her memories of Sean-the 2 happiest years of her life-to put her to sleep.

"Emma?" Manny said, nudging Emma awake. "Whatttttt Manny?" Emma groaned as she opened her eyes slowly "Wake up, Em, you've been sleep, like, all night." Emma blinked up at her ceiling- Oh my God! I have! She thought as a smile slowly spread across her face. She couldn't remember what she'd dreamed, but she figured it must not have been bad. Then like a unexpected rain cloud, Emma's mind recalled the events of the previous day, in lieu of a bad dream, she assumed, and the smile slipped away from her face as she moaned and rolled over stuffing the pillow over her head.

"Emma! Come on! We're gonna be late!" Manny said trying-with little success-to yank the pillow from Emma's hands. "I'm not going today." Was the muffled statement Emma supplied Manny with nonchalantly. "Why not?" Manny said inquiringly. Having decided to give up trying to take the pillow, she flopped down on the bed facing Emma,-or at least facing the pillow Emma's head was under.

Emma pushed the pillow above her pale forehead. She pondered whether or not she should fill Manny in on what had happened with Sean. Manny was-despite her faults-very understanding towards Emma's problems…especially when it came to boys. She decided against it though, when she remembered how upset Manny had been the previous day.

When Emma had gotten home, Manny had been surrounded by covers sobbing in between slurps of the melted ice cream about Craig being a "dumb dumby idiot!" and Emma knew that when Manny used kiddy language it either meant that A. she was drunk, or B. she was very deeply hurt-so much so that she couldn't find the right words to express her pain with.

It hadn't occurred to Emma to correct her friend about Craig and Ellie because she didn't know on what basis Manny and Craig's break-up had been finalized. So, instead of asking for details she'd tried to soothe her friend setting up a lunch date at "The Dot" for Saturday and promising that they would have a girls night sometime soon.

"I'm sick…" Emma said dropping the pillow easily over her messy golden head. "No you aren't!" Manny said snatching the pillow from Emma's head with a laugh. "Yes I am, Manny." Emma said nodding and placing her fingers on either side of her forehead pressing her temples. "Sick of Degrassi." "Emma, you have to come with me, today please." Manny pleaded. Emma would've succumbed to her friends pleading eyes but just thinking about facing Peter…Sean... was enough to make her stomach literally squeal in pain and she shook her head slowly.

Manny sighed resignedly, not exactly sure what was wrong but deciding to leave Emma alone. "Alright," she said standing up "I had my day off, I guess it's only fair to let you have one too."

Emma rolled over onto her stomach as soon as her friend had left, and pushed herself up gracefully sliding off the bed and onto the floor. The silence that filled the room tightened around her throat like a choker and suddenly her head felt hot. She stood up slowly, walking towards the washroom. I really am sick, she thought, as she walked through the door, sick of this drama.

After exiting the washroom Emma walked upstairs and glanced around at the half-clean/half-havoc wreaked household. Determined to get her mind off of Sean, Emma went to work, cleaning as violently as she could, turning up the radio and semi-blasting it. I'm not going to let you take over my life today Sean, Rick, Peter, Emma thought, pushing all of the unwelcome males from her mind with the smell of a dirt-busting lemon scented pine-sol. Not, today.

Scene Change: Halls of Degrassi (classes switching)

Ellie Nash yawned as she walked toward her locker and after opening it leaned sleepily inside of it. She'd spent the better part of the night with Craig at her apartment. The two of them had spent the rest of their Friday together. First heading to the park, then hitting a movie. Ellie was trying to cheer him up and he let her of course, being that he sunk temporarily back into depression each time he called Manny's phone and she didn't answer. Ellie had been annoyed at this of course, but for the better part of her day it was better than if she'd spent it in school so she was fine.

After leaving the movies Craig had come to her apartment and the two of them had talked and talked and she'd asked him about his music and he'd played a few of his songs one of which was dedicated to her called "Hidden Angel" and one of which he played, lovingly -whiningly, Ellie thought- and dedicated it to Manny called "Seeing us".

In the end Ellie had fallen asleep to Craig's singing which she was very thankful for knowing that she would've probably cried herself to sleep and maybe even did something worse to her arms. When she woke up late the next morning Craig was gone and she'd been placed carefully in her bed, Clothes intact, Manning, for your sake, she'd thought with a laugh and yes her clothes had been in the same rumpled, fashion they were in when she'd fallen asleep.

Ellie wore the choker that Craig had given her and she touched it smoothing her hand across the black stone as she glanced in her locker mirror. After pretending sleep for a few moments, Ellie lifted her head lightly out of her locker and sighed picking up her books and turning to head toward her class.

As she turned she bumped directly into Manny, who had apparently been standing there staring at her. "Tired?" Manny said tartly as Ellie backed away from her rubbing her head and looking a little irritated. "Not much," Ellie said rolling her eyes and attempting to walk past Manny. Manny held out her arm grabbing Ellie's stomach to stop her, "Hold it." She said sharply. Ellie just stared at Manny. Is she serious, she thought looking at Manny's hand before glancing up at Manny in a way that let her know to remove it.

"I need to talk to you." Manny said sharply placing her hand on her hip. Ellie pushed her hair behind her ears before stating uninterestedly as she crossed her arms over her books, and yawned "I'm all anticipating ears." Manny stepped up forcing her face towards Ellie until it was only inches away. "I told you to stay away from my boyfriend." Manny sneered forcefully. Ellie backed into her locker a little before her face became an angry sort of red color and she pushed Manny away from her "Look, Manny, Craig is my friend for one thing. And for two, very much unlike you, I don't steal boyfriends. I earn em." Ellie said with a look of condescension and then walked past Manny.

Manny glared angrily after Ellie and she felt a slow kind of rage rushing up her chest. Without warning Manny raced up behind Ellie and snatched her to the ground by her hair. "Aaahh!" Ellie said as she hit the hallway grounds and then stared up menacingly at Manny.

Ellie had never fought, she'd never been known for fighting girls, that just wasn't her style, but today, today after she'd spent her entire day cheering Craig up about Manny? Today, after she'd feared that she would cut into her skin in retaliation against being in love with a guy who was so obviously in love with someone else? Today, Ellie Nash wasn't going to have it, and as she stood up, she balled her hand into a fist and landed it right in Manny's stomach. "uuhhh!" Manny said keeling over in pain and Ellie stared down at Manny, thinking angrily of hitting her again, "Manny?I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but today is not a good day to start with me." Ellie said, "Got that?". And Ellie bent down, angrily swiping up her scattered school books. When she stood up Ellie bumped into...

"Sean?" Ellie said, staring up into the face of her ex who had carefully caught her books "El?" Sean said with a nod, mimicking her tone of surprise, but a look of seriousness in his face. "What are you do-" Ellie began but was stopped mid-sentence by the sudden thrashing Manny was doing to her back. "I'm not just going to sit back while you move in on my boyfriend, bitch!" Manny screamed, grabbing Ellie and slamming her into a locker. Ellie pushed Manny off of her and punched her again, this time in the chest, before grabbing her and wrestling with her, the two of time falling to the ground at Sean's feet.

"Hey!" Sean said, as he bent down quickly, snatching up Ellie, who got one last swing at Manny before he'd pulled her up. "Stop it!" Sean said, as Manny tried to grab for Ellie and he placed his hand against Manny's chest, forcing her against Ellie's locker. "What the hell are you two doing! Do you wanna be suspended!" Ellie gave no answer just snatched herself away from Sean's hands at the same time Manny swiped his hand spitefully from her chest. "This is none of your business Sean." Manny stated, simply a flicker of anger sparking in her brown eyes. Sean just stared at her, ignoring her statement and said after a sort of is-she-for-real half-smile he said shaking his head, "Look, what you two do, you're right, none of my goddamn business; but finish it some other time. Manny?" And here Sean paused, staring uneasily at Ellie before pulling Manny to the side "Where's Emma? I really need to talk to her." Manny looked at Sean, shaking her head "Emma's not here today, she needed a break." Sean just let out a sigh and then grabbed Manny's hand pulling her toward the front door.

Ellie stared after the two of them shaking with anger before rushing into the girls washroom and breaking down in tears.

Scene change: The front steps of Degrassi

"Sean let go of me!" Manny said, once they were outside snatching her hand away from him spitefully. "Look Manny, I need to talk to you, about Emma." Manny's hateful glare and heavy breathing reduced to a look of interest and slowed sighs. "What?" she asked him carefully, not sure where he was going with this statement.

Sean stared at Manny for a moment, before pacing to the other side of the stair. And then once he walked toward her again he said, "Look, I know that I treated Emma really bad, and I know that I left, right when she probably really needed someone who understood what happened to be there, but I'm here now. And I really want to know what's going on with her, but, she won't talk to me." Manny, who wasn't feeling to disposed to being kindly toward the male sex at the moment, snapped "Sean? Emma doesn't need you. She has friends and a boyfriend."

Manny smiled inwardly as the strength of the words "boyfriend" showed up involuntarily on Sean's face. Oh my God! Sean he-he likes her! Manny thought, and suddenly her hatred of all men, and want of Sean's services to remove Ellie from she and Craig's life, was changed instantaneously by the irrepressible hopeless romantic within.

Sean paid her softening features no attention and instead shook his head slowly as he turned away from her, jumping quickly down the stairs. "But! She didn't tell you…did she!" Manny called after him, feeling immediately that she needed to right whatever was wrong with Emma and Sean's situation. Sean turned looking up at Manny from the bottom stair, and slowly a smile crept on his face as he shook his head no and walked back up the steps. Manny shrugged with a smile "Then-I mean-That's gotta be a good sign, right?" She said optimistically.

Sean shrugged, his face all seriousness again, "I guess," he said "But look, Manny, I need to know what the hell went on while I wasn't here. What went on with Emma? She said a lot happened to her." he paused looking pained, "What exactly happened to her?" Manny looked at the ground with a resolute sigh, "A lot went on, Sean. I have no idea where to start." Sean lifted Manny's face to his, his eyes matching hers as he said in a piercing stare; his voice a chilling shaky tone, "Start from the day I left…and tell me everything."

Scene Change That Night...Outside of Ellie's apartment

Craig hadn't heard from Ellie all day. He'd practically spent the night with Ellie and so he was sure that he would hear from her. So, when he didn't-and when she didn't answer any of his calls-he got a little worried and sped over to her apartment.

Stepping out of his red convertible, Craig bounded up the steps to knock on his friends door. Not only had she been there for him the other night, she was, right now, his closest friend and he wanted to make sure she was ok.

"Ellie?" Craig said tapping lightly on the door. No response. Craig knocked and waited a few more minutes before finally using the key Ellie had given him. It was only 7 so he knew she couldn't be sleep yet...could she?

As Craig stepped into the apartment he noticed that all the lights were out except for one; Ellie's bedroom light seeped underneath the closed door in a haunting and disturbing manner.

"El?" Craig said as he stepped into the living room, closing the front door softly behind him. As he walked towards her bedroom door Craig felt a lump forming in his throat. Craig wasn't sure what he expected. He'd half expected Ellie to break down crying after seeing Sean, when she didn't he thought maybe she was over him. But now, thinking about it, and putting the encounter together with the fact that he hadn't heard from her, he feared that she might be so hurt at seeing Sean...reliving the memories...the pain of it all...so heartbroken that she was...cutting herself.

"Ellie?" He said knocking softly on her door and he heard a thump. "Craig?" Ellie whispered through the door, "Yeah Ellie, it's me I-I tried calling you..." "Oh, I was, I was in the shower." she said softly. Craig tensed a little "Ellie? Are you ok?" A pause and then Ellie cracked the door a little, without sticking her head out of it, "I'm fine Craig," she said. "Ellie? Are you-you know dressed and stuff?" "Um, yeah I'm dressed." Craig spoke softly now, soothingly, "Then let me in El." Ellie didn't open the door all the way, but she didn't close it either and after a moment Craig pressed gently against it to realize that Ellie was gone.

He walked into the room his eyes searching for anything sharp. Any blood that woul confirm his fears. He knew that Ellie hadn't been cutting in a long time. Since, a while after Sean left, she'd stopped cutting, the therapy, and the group had helped her through it. Now, he thought, now Sean had come back and she felt whatever it was she felt for him again. And so the need for her to cut herself might've resurfaced as well.

Craig finally glanced over at bathroom door, where Ellie obviously was. Even as he rushed to push open the door he held his breath fearing what he'd find there. "Ellie? I'm coming in." He stated panic-stricken and then pushed the door open. Ellie was standing at the sink her sleeves pulled up...but not cut.

Craig searched her arm for any fresh cuts found nothing. He walked in gently rubbing her arms and then he looked at her face and saw in her eyes what she hadn't wanted him to. "You've been crying?" Craig said stroking her arm a little as he did. Ellie bit her lip, her eyes red and fresh with tears, Ellie had never cried in front of Craig and she hadn't wanted him to see her tears now. But instead of protesting his arms, she fell into them the last tear dropping on his leather jacket as she hugged him pretending that he was hers to hold.

"It's ok El," Craig said rubbing her hair instinctively "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about Sean but even if you can't tell right now-you'll get over him someday." Ellie sighed inwardly. Of course Sean was not the reason she'd been crying, and she cursed Craig for ruining the best moment of her day. She tried to ignore his ignorant stupidity and buried her head further into his comforting shoulder. "I know," she sighed, "I'll get over this someday." But, as Craig stroked her shoulder, slightly bruised from her fight with Manny, Ellie thought painfully, But...not today.

Scene Change: Emma's house

After taking out her pint up aggression on every particle of dirt, mold, and dust she could possibly find, Emma had decided to take a nice "soothing" bath that did nothing but allow her mind to conjure up thoughts of Sean and what it would be like to kiss him again...hold him again. Emma turned on some music to try and relieve her mind of these thoughts, but she had no such luck.

After about 15 minutes in the tub Emma decided to go for a nice long jog; which she hadn't gone on for about 3 weeks now, but she always found that jogging cleared her head.

It was around 5 o clock and as she jogged in the cool afternoon air, Emma still found herself thinking about Sean, something that she had been able to avoid doing all day but once she was done cleaning up and had turned the radio off she just couldn't seem to regain her focus.

She began thinking about the way Sean had looked at her pleadingly. The way when he'd touched she'd felt...it. Whatever "it" was, Sean was the only one who was able to make her feel it and she couldn't help to think of this-no matter how hard she'd tried.

Emma had spent so much time being angry with Sean that it was hard for her to deal with suddenly not hating him. She'd been angry for how he'd treated her after their break-up, for how he'd broken her heart, and then for how he left. Emma sometimes felt that she was being a brat and felt ashamed of herself for ever being angry at Sean because of the simple-no-very complex fact that he'd saved her life.

That has to count for a lot, Emma, she'd often reprimand herself, but still she couldn't help but to be angry at him for something. Anything. And now, she was trying very hard to force up some feelings of hatred, some kind of reason as to why she was trying so hard to avoid him. But she couldn't.

As she was jogging back to her house, Emma felt herself tense up. What if Sean is there? she thought, slowing down a little. This thought caused her heart to race, fearing that she might just give in and break down on Sean, hugging him, crying, telling him how she'd missed him. But Emma reminded herself of something. Sean never said he wanted to get back together, she thought, he just wanted to talk, I can do talk.

Emma straightened the worried expression on her face as she turned the corner to get to her house. Emma was half-expecting-half-hoping that Sean would be there, his car parked on the curb, him leaning against it with an unrelenting attitude this time, forcing her to hear him out. But he wasn't and Emma found that she was more disappointed than she wanted to be. God, I hate you Sean, she thought as she walked into her house. Stomping into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Emma laughed at herself for the way she was acting and then smiled thinking that this was the first time she'd smiled for real real in a long time. Ok maybe I don't hate you so much, Sean, she thought.

When she walked downstairs to her room Emma discovered that Manny was there, lying in her bed asleep. Emma sighed to herself as she walked into the washroom. Emma had wanted to ask Manny if she'd seen Sean and was a little upset that Manny was already in bed. But then Emma realized, that even if Manny had been awake she wouldn't have wanted to ask her about Sean.

She hadn't told Manny about her encounters with Sean and she had no intention in doing so, though she wasn't sure why.

As Emma was washing her face, the thoughts that she had worked so hard to suppress rose up into her mind and stared at her in her reflection.

If Emma told Manny about She and Sean's meetings, she'd have had to explain why she didn't want to speak to Sean and that was something she wasn't ready to admit to even herself.

In reality, the reason Emma didn't want to speak to Sean, was the same reason it had been since that first night she'd seen him. It was the same reason she tried so hard to find reasons to hate him though she knew in her heart she didn't. It was the same reason that she had developed the remarkable-and unfortunate-ability to hide her emotions, going throughout the day as though she was never shaken, never worried, never hurt. When in actuality, she was still torn up inside.

The reason was that Emma had adored Sean. She'd dreamed about Sean, she'd imagined that she would marry him and no matter what went on in her life, Sean had never ceased to amaze her in that even when they fought, even when things were going bad he always came back, he always apologized, he always proved to her that no matter who else let her down, he'd always try to fix things.

He'd made up for being a jackass for an entire yr after their breakup, by saving her life; something that Emma felt she would never be able to repay him for. And then, after the shooting when they'd gone to Wasaga Beach, Sean had apologized to her "Emma, I'm sorry. For last year, you know? For everything I put you through. Everything. I'm sorry." he'd stated with feeling, with truth, and Emma had fallen back in love with him completely, all over again.

But, when Sean left, Emma had had such a hard time dealing with it that she'd realized she wasn't as self-sufficient as she thought. Emma didn't just want Sean to come back.. Emma'd needed him to, but she'd thought he never would.

Pushing the thought What would Sean think of me? With the very easy counter It doesn't matter. He's gone. And now he was back. He was back to see her, to know her, to judge her, and Emma couldn't stand the thought that all she'd gone through, all she'd done, Sean would know about. Sean would find out that she wasn't the same the Emma he'd cared so deeply for, possibly loved.

That girl was gone now and Emma couldn't see her ever coming back. So, she forced herself to pretend that she hated Sean, pretend that she couldn't stand seeing him, hearing him, knowing he was in her presence, when in reality, Emma was so scared that the only person she'd ever really and deeply loved, needed, wouldn't care for her, that she allowed this shield to stay up.

Emma shook a little as she thought about this truth. I went down on Jay, I had a nervous breakdown, I turned into a completely different person. And after all of her hard work not to think about Sean, how she wanted to talk to him about what had happened with Rick, how she wanted to apologize to Peter for dating him when she wasn't ready to be his girlfriend, how she wanted to collapse into Sean's arms and never let him go, Emma finally let herself down, lost her composure and broke down crying at the sink.

She cried as she walked to and laid in her bed and Emma cried herself to a restless sleep. God, what would he think of me? She thought as she closed her eyes hating herself for the girl she'd become; a girl, she thought, Sean will never love.

Scene Change: The inside of a cheap motel room

Sean tried to sleep with little success. Everything that Manny had told him ran through his mind, and every time he turned over he found himself deep in thoughts about what had happened with him over the past year and what had happened with Emma.

One thing that Sean had never allowed himself to do freely, no matter how pained he was, was to cry. He thought of it as a waste of time, something to be avoided, something he didn't deserve to be able to do. Every event in his life when he'd cried-when he and Emma were both at Ashley's Party and she refused to speak to him, when he'd thought he'd have to move with brother from Toronto, when he broke down on his parents front porch, after the shooting, and then as he watched his friend Jay, girlfriend Ellie, and Emma, who'd never lost his heart, drive away- had been so traumatizing for him that he always swore he'd never do it again.

But as Sean lay in his bed thinking of what Emma had gone through, tears forced their way down his cheeks and he finally jumped up, pacing back in forth in front of the bed. Finally, after he'd washed his face, Sean tried to figure out what to do. He'd wanted to go and see Emma as soon as Manny had told him about everything, but knowing that he was probably the reason she didn't go to school that day, he decided that it wasn't such a good idea.

Not today, not tonight. he thought as he sat down in the chair beside the window of his room. Looking out into the sky Sean remembered some night he and Emma had sat outside on her grass talking about the future. That was the first night that he'd thought "God, I love her!" though he'd never spoken the words to her.

Emma had always talked about the future as though Sean had just as much of one as she had. She'd never ever spoken to him like he was less than her and that was one of the reasons why Sean loved her so much. Even when Emma had done spiteful things-getting he and Jay busted for stealing candy bars from "The Dot", reporting to the principal that she'd seen he and Jay stealing from Degrassi (which he had been),-Sean always knew he deserved it.

He had had such a beautiful relationship with Emma, and he always managed to jeopardize or ruin it, because of his own selfish reasons.

The only thing Emma had ever done that really truly hurt Sean was when they'd argued in front of her locker after she refused to make out with him in the ravine, and she'd called him "pathetic".

That hurt him because he'd always felt that Emma would never treat him as less than she was. Just that comment alone had had enough power to send Sean running to and hanging with Jay's gang, stealing, changing his attitude to one of "I don't give a damn" first dating one of Jay's friends Amy and then dating Ellie, the girl who would let him be as "badass" as he wanted and still love him.

Because, Sean had figured Emma viewed him differently, he'd felt like there was no longer a reason to care. Being that Emma was the only one who'd ever believed in him anyway, the only who ever made him believe in himself, losing Emma lost Sean his self-respect and even when she'd attempted to reconcile with him, Sean had been so hurt by the comment, thinking that he now knew how she really felt about him he'd refused to get back with her; a classic you'll-never-hurt-me-again move.

But when Sean had seen Rick pointing that gun at Emma, heard Rick saying that he was going to shoot her, he'd been so scared, just thinking about what he would do if Emma was never in his life again, that he'd reacted as a reflex, forcing the gun down and risking his own life to save Emma's. Because, Sean knew that if Emma died, he'd have no reason left to live.

Emma had inadvertently hurt him again when he'd done this forcing the realization that he still loved her to resurface, and he couldn't take it. Pairing that with Sean's fear that he'd purposely-subconsciously-killed Rick for trying to kill Emma, Sean had been bruised badly. And going back home getting away from everyone who thought he was a hero, from Ellie and her want to know feelings, and Emma, the girl who'd started it all, was the only way he knew how to cope.

Sean tuned back into his surroundings and glared angrily at the moon. He wanted to go to Emma, to hug her, to tell her he loved her, but he knew he couldn't and he took out his sadness with anger, the way he always seemed to. God, what the hell were you thinking leaving her? He thought, as he practically threw himself onto his bed.

The worst of it all was that Sean knew Emma, and he knew that she'd think he blamed her for everything that she'd done, when he really blamed himself.

Just the thought that Emma didn't love him hurt him so deeply, that he finally broke down. He sat on his bed as the tears rolled rapidly down his cheeks, hating himself, hating the world, and for a second hating Emma, for not talking to him. After about 2 minutes of this, Sean regained his composure, stubbornly dragging his hands down his cheeks. Not today, he thought and he flipped on the Tv to get his mind off of Emma.

Sean knew that he'd still have to speak to Ellie before speaking to Emma, and intended to do it today, but after speaking to Manny he'd been so angry at himself that he'd forgotten all about Ellie driving sulkingly to the mall spending the day watching horror movies to take his mind off of things.

Ellie! Sean thought a little sadly, What about Ellie! Sean hadn't even thought of all the things he had to make up to Ellie and finally he appeased his self-hatred with the thought of the one good deed he'd be able to do the next day.