Joey: HELLO EVRYONE! I AM STILL ALIVE! SCHOOLS ALMOST OVER! Sorry for being so long for an update as usual school and stuff.
Mike: Well why don't we get the chapter started?
Joey: Yes cant keep them waiting any longer!
Disclaimer: Joey doesn't own anything he decides to put in this story.
Joey: NOW ONTO THE STORY!
Chapter 17: Desert Temple n'stuff
Link: ok so where do we need to go?
Joey: Back to Groudo Valley!
Mike: great…
Link: well lets get going!
(at the tent outside groudo valley)
Carpenter Leader: Can you get my carpenters back? They wanted to become thieves but got their asses stuck in jail.
Navi: Idiots
Joey: SURE
Link: HOLD ON I NEVER SAID YES
Joey: Who cares.
Link: --
(They enter groudo valley)
Link: (walks out in the open)
Groudo: HEY YOU STOP!
Joey: Crap
(They get thrown in jail)
Link: Now what
Navi: Link look theirs some wood above that window
Link: yea so?
Joey: You can use your hookshot to latch onto the window and get out (jumps up to the window)
Link: oh ok (shoots hookshot and flies up and hits his head on the ceiling)
Mike: (sigh)
Link: look over there (points to the groudo on the roof)
Joey: She looks different than the others
Link: yea she doesn't have red hair…. Or implants
Joey: Ill go check it out (morphs into a bird and flys over there and unmorphs)
Mike: ok you got to jump down
Link: DAMNIT
Joey: (pokes Fangz)
Fangz: DON'T TOUCH ME! (slaps Joey)
Joey: X X
Fangz: Oh, it's just you. I thought you were another one of those
lesbies trying to grope me.
Mike: Wait, if they're all Lesbies, why did they sleep with Justin?
Fangz: I dunno, maybe they're bi. But that's not the point! The point
is, they all keep...(shudder)...hitting on me.
Joey: Well then, you wanna come with me and Link?
Fangz: (grabs Joey by the shoulders) PLEASE take me with you!
Joey: oo Okay, okay!
Fangz: So, where are we going now?
Joey: (explains the entire quest from the shadow temple up to this
Point)...So now we're going to the Spirit Temple.
Fangz: Oh, okay. That place is so cool!
Link: (pokes Fangz from behind)
Fangz: AIEEE! (punches Link off the building) Who the hell was that?
Joey: That… was Link.
Fangz: Who's Li--Oh, the Idiot of Time...who names their kid Link?
That's a lousy name.
Mike: I have no idea...
Fangz: I don't care what kind of hero he is. If he touches me, he's a
dead man.
Joey: I'll give him the warning.
Fangz: Good. (Crosses arms)
(A hookshot grapple flies up, grabs a Gerudo, and pulls her off onto
Link.)
Link: OWIE!
Gerudo: (pummels Link)
Fangz: Is he a perv?
Joey: No, he didn't mean to do that… I think.
Fangz: Riiight.
Joey: Most people confuse him for a perv, but he's really just stupid.
Fangz: Really, is there a difference these days?
Mike: Well, he's got the intelligence span of a teaspoon.
Fangz: A teaspoon on drugs? Or just a normal teaspoon?
Joey: Yeah, that sounds about right. Well, first we have to free the
carpenters.
Fangz: Oh, those fat slobs? The Gerudos are using them for S and M
practice.
Joey: Huh...what's S and M?
Fangz: Uhhh...(awkward silence)...It's when people use stuff like
handcuffs, collars, and leashes and stuff for...uh...you know.
Joey: Oh...okay. SAY NO MORE! Well, we should save them, still. Maybe we can use
Justin as a distraction.
Fangz: Refresh my memory. Who's Justin?
Joey: Oh, he's the hyped up weirdo on sugar you might have seen him
here he was being deprived of sugar for 12 hours to pass the "test".
Fangz: Test?...Oh, gross! (hitches up tiny Gerudo top over cleavage)
Joey: Yeah, uh, well, have you seen him? He landed here with fire
coming out of his butt.
Fangz: Not recently. I did hear some rather unpleasant screaming in the
"torture" chamber, though. Sounds like heartburn.
Joey: I'll explain that later.
Fangz: Any chance that on this mystical quest, we might find some
decent clothes?
Joey: Here, wear this. (gives Fangz Link's Zora Tunic) Should do until
we get to Hyrule market.
Fangz: Good. If I hafta walk around in this indecency surrounded by
lezbos much longer, I'll turn skank and run loose in a bikini.
Joey: That would be scary.
Fangz: Admit it, you'd like it. (sniffs tunic) When was the last time
this was washed?...Actually, was this ever washed?
Joey: Dunno. HEY LINK, WHEN DID YOU LAST WASH THAT TUNIC?
Link: What's "wash" mean?
Fangz: AUGH! (tosses tunic over cliff and accidentally onto Link's
Face)
Link: OWIE! (falls off)
Fangz: Oops! (looks over the edge) sorry!
Link: xX
Joey: He'll be fine.
Fangz: Oh, good. So I can stop caring, then?
Joey: Yeah, sounds good to me.
Fangz: So, why haven't we left for the Spirit Temple yet?
Joey: We have to go save some carpernters. Come on, let's go. (Snaps
fingers and Link appears on roof)
Fangz: Okay, whatever. How many do you have left?
Joey: All of them.
Fangz: WHAT! Aww, come ON!
Joey: This dumbass got caught. (points to Link)
Fangz: I don't want to hafta deal with FOUR lesbi gerudos because of
the dumbass! (also points to Link)
Joey: Well, you said you'd come with us. And besides, Link has a
strange ability to kill almost anything.
Fangz: Oh thank god. I thought I'd actually have to do something.
Joey: Depends. Maybe not if Link doesn't just ogle at them like an
Imbecile.
Fangz: Which he is bound to do.
Joey: Could be. Well, I can still fight, too. (shows off his arm
Cannon) Let's go.
(Inside the fortress)
(Gerudo drops from ceiling)
Joey: Link, kill him. Err, her.
Link: Okay! (charges at Gerudo)
Gerudo: (pulls swords randomly out of nowhere)
Link: oO (runs away like a sissy)
Fangz: That was expected. You or I deal with her?
Joey: Neither of us. Mike!
Mike: Yes?
Joey: Get her!
Mike: YAY FOOD! (eats Gerudo guard)
Fangz: So, how many times can he do that?
Joey: As many as he wants, but it gets old after awhile...Link, get
your ass in here!
Link: (stutters) Yeh yeh yes?
Joey: Let's go.
Fangz: Sissy.
(They free the carpenter)
Link: ye ye ye yess?
(He gets all thankful and goes off)
(in the next room, another Gerudo guard drops down and pulls swords
outta nowhere)
Joey: You wanna deal with this one?
Fangz: No way, man! Sic Mike on her!
Joey: Mike is eating thew other gerudos i guess ill take this one
Fangz: Be my guest.
Joey: Ok but you take the next one (gun changes into Phazon Beam) hehehe (blows the
Gerudo into a pile of ash) CRISPY
(They free the carpenter and go to the ext room)
(You know what happens…)
Joey: You need a weapon?
Fangz: No, I've got some. (pulls random swords out of nowhere)
Link: Sweet!
Fangz: On-guarde!
Gerudo: Hey, Fangz. Whatcha up to? (wink)
Fangz: (repulsed) I'm about to kill you. Why?
Gerudo: I've got a death wish! (makes a disgusting kissy face)
Fangz: Don't care! (slashes the crap outta the last guard)
Joey: (watches as Fangz pummles the guard) Well that was fun to watch
Fangz: (finished) You guys don't know how many step out that way
Mike: (returns after eating the other Gerudos) HELLO!
Fangz: Hey, Mike. Have fun?
Mike: YEP!
Fangz: Good. The less freak lesbis there are creeping around here, the
better. Im not homophobic, but boy...they really creep me out
sometimes.
Joey: Yea, they are kinda scary.
(carpenter hands them a pass on the gerudo grounds)
Link: Well, don't we gotta open the gate?
Joey: Yep
(at the gate)
Fangz: You know, I could have done that for you
Link: You never said you could!
Fangz: You never asked.
Joey: I knew, but I like to make link do stuff that we can do already.
Fangz: That's always fun.
Navi: HI!
Joey: Jesus Christ, kill me now.
Fangz: HEY LINK LOOK! (points to quicksand) A sandbox! Go make a
castle!
Link: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
(after Link makes 3,892 castles)
Joey: Wow, Link.
Fangz: Why didn't he sink? The bastard was supposed to sink!
Joey: HE DIDNT SINK?
Link: I'm not stupid (shows Hover Boots)
Joey: Errrm, yes you are. (points to hover boots) They only last for 2
seconds.
Link: Oh shit. (sinks)
Fangz: Ha! I was just gonna borrow author powers to make
em disappear, but that way's more fun!
Joey: YEP (puts navi in the quicksand) BYE NAVI!
Fangz: I love you. I hate her so much.
Joey: So do I.
Fangz: Good to see her die.
Joey: (contented sigh) Yep...HEY mike use your tentacle to get Link out
Fangz: Don't bother. Let him drown
Mike: Okie dokie! (pulls link out)
Joey: He only listens to me.
Fangz: Damn.
Joey: Sadly, we need him.
Fangz: (sigh) you guys never let me have any fun.
Joey: Well, we need his sword, only he can use it not even I the author
can wield it. It's kinda strange.
Fangz: Damn game makers ruin everything.
Joey: oh well hes fun to mess with
Fangz: True, true.
Joey: Like the quicksand just now.
Fangz: Much like a rather stupid pet. Or McDonald's toy.
Joey: EXACTLY!
Fangz: Makes sense enough for me.
Mike: Well, we gotta get through the desert.
Fangz: Meet you guys there! (runs wildly off into the sandstorm)
Joey: We should follow her...
Link: Ok, sure, let's go.
Navi: (comes out of the quicksand) WAIT FOR ME!
(in the sandstorm)
Fangz: (disappears into the next wave of sand)
Joey: Damn she's fast.
Link: Ok, let's go. (walks into the storm and reappears at the
Gates)...What the fuck?
Joey: You gotta find yer way through yerself.
Fangz: (is sitting on a pole) I knew you'd do that. Stupid loser.
Mike: Doesn't that hurt? The pole is pointed at the top you know.
Fangz: Not this one. I sanded it...get it? Sand?...(gods are angry at
sissy pun and is thrown off into quicksand)
Joey: (laughs hysterically)
(Fangz appears at the gates)
Fangz: There is sand in very uncomfortable places.
Link: Umm, do we really need to know that?
Fangz: Yes. Yes you do.
Link: ok then (writes it down on a notepad) Well, we should get going
(on notepad is a drawing of a peanut)
Joey: This time dont get lost. (looks at Fangz) And no puns!
Fangz: I'm going back into the desert to laugh at your cluelessness.
(disappears randomly)
Joey: Whoa...
(at the river of sand)
Link: how do we get across?
Fangz: (voice from above) SWIM!
Link: NO! THE VOICES NOT AGAIN! AAHHHHHHHHH! (runs in circles
Screaming) GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Fangz: SWIM DAMN YOU SWIM!
Joey: LINK DON'T DO IT!
Fangz: SWIM EHEEHEEHEEHEE!
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (continues
Screanming)
Fangz: Oh, fuck this.
Joey: HEY LINK! LOOK! CANDY! (points at Navi)
Link: (stops screaming) CANDY! (eats Navi)
Joey: Link, now use your hookshot to latch onto the pole and it will
reel you across.
Fangz: (appears behind Joey and crams hand under his helmet to cover
his mouth) SHHH!
Link: (attempts to use hookshot but his the wrong pole and lands in the
Quicksand)
Fangz: Ha ha! (points and laughs with other hand)
Joey: (bites Fangz's hand)
Fangz: (crunch) OW! Now you're gonna die! (tackles Joey and lands them
both in quicksand)
(they both appear at gates)
Joey: DAMN IT!
Fangz: Whatever, I know this place like this bite on my finger...does
it look infected to you?...Anyways, I know this desert inside and
out...but you don't...what does that tell you?
Link: Uhh...6?
Joey: Idiot… Ok, lead us, then.
Fangz: How much you got on ya? (cocks eyebrow)
Joey: Link has the money.
(They both turn to Link)
Link: (is eating something really crunchy) What?...OW, I GOT A CUT IN
MY MOUTH! (spits out bag of rupees--all the rupees are crunched up)
Joey: Damnit, Link!
Mike: Once again links stupidity gets us screwed.
Fangz: And not the good kind. (nudges remnants of rupees on ground with
Foot) Hey Link want some salt?
Link: Salt? YAY (eats some salt) AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT BURNS
Fangz: Well, what else ya got?
Joey: Not much. I got my suit, Mike doesent got anything, and Link has
the sword...and some other weird worthless stuff.
Fangz: Like bellybutton lint, as I can see.
Link: (is picking his bellybutton) What?
Joey: Oh, and I got this bag of sugar I stole from Justin.
Fangz: And nothing else? No virgin sacrifice?
Joey: Nope...unless you want Link.
Fangz: I don't think the Gods would accept him.
Joey: Well that's all we got.
Fangz: Hmmm. (thinks and chews lip) How about...erm...what do I
want?...
Link: Hey, Joey has that white powder stuff he hides in his helmet!
Joey: How'd you find out about that!
Fangz: Really now. Come on, Joey, out with it.
Joey: Oh, fine. (takes off helmet and takes out a bag of "white
powder") Here.
Fangz: What is it? Laundry detergent sample?...Cocaine?
Joey: Shhhhhh!
Fangz: Why do you have coke in your helmet?
Joey: That's where I hide it.
Fangz: Let me rephrase the question: WHY do you have coke?
Joey: Hoped one day I could sell it to make money in an emergency
situation…
Fangz: Well, is this emergency enough for you?
Joey: Here you go...Excuse me a minute (grabs Link by the neck and
carries him off)
(screams of pain are heard)
Fangz: ...I'll wait 'til they get back.
Joey: (comes back holding link by the neck still but now link is
scorched and is glowing blue)
Fangz: Okay then...(pockets coke) Where to, boys?
Joey: The Desert Temple.
Fangz: Alright. Try to keep up. (lightly jogs wildly off into the
Distance)
Joey: (hovers in the air and flys off after Fangz)
Link: Damn, I'm always the one left behind.
Fangz: There's a reason for that.
Mike: Okay, let's go. (grabs Link by the head and carries him off)
(At the river of sand)
Fangz: Okay, so what you do here is...crap...I forgot...I always jump
it. Can you guys jump it?
Joey: I can jump it, but Link can't.
Fangz: That's a shame. Looks like we'll hafta go on without him.
Joey: (uses spacejump and does a multijump across the river)
Fangz: (pole-vaults)
Link: Hello? What about me?
Joey: Urgh...Link, shoot me with your hookshot; it will latch to my
armor and pull you to me.
Link: (clumsily succeeds)
Joey: Well, at least we made it across this time.
Fangz: Okay, so there's all these retarded poles you hafta go through,
but let's cheat...I have an idea.
Joey: Would you like to share this idea?
Fangz: It's a surpise. (winks cheekily and leads them off into howling
Sand)
Joey: Whatever, let's folow her.
(They follow after her)
Joey: Okay, so what is your plan?
(There's a huge-ass sand pit with a guy sitting on a floating carpet
over it)
Link: Whoa...
Joey: (blasts him off the carpet and they take the carpet and Bombchus)
Fangz: Well, that's a much simpler plan.
Joey: What was your plan?
Link: (hums Aladdin song)
Fangz: That was basically it, but in a more polite way.
(They use the carpet and get to the temple)
(Fangz prepares to leave)
Joey: Aww, you don't wanna explore with us?
Fangz: I've been here before. I'll just wait around in here somewhere.
If you can't make it through, here's my pager number.
Joey: Okay. (takes it)
Fangz: 1-800-666-what?
Joey: Hey, Link, there is one last magic ability you need to learn!
Link: And what is that?
Joey: Nayru's Love.
Fangz: Aww, somebody loves you!
(They go into the fairy's fountain)
Fangz: Well, you guys, have fun with that. I'm going to go check out
the temple to make sure there ain't weird shit goin' down.
(Fangz leaves)
(fairy comes out of the water)
Link: HAHAHAHAHA SHE HAS POINTY BOOBS TOO!
Fairy: I shall now give you the power of Nayru's love.
Link: (gets power) Ok...now what can I do?
Joey: You can make a crystal shield around you to make you invincible.
Link: YAY!
(they are now in the temple)
Link: (looks around) how are we supposed to go anywhere?
Joey: And how did Fangz get past this room?
(Joey's cell rings)
Joey: (answers it) Hello?
Fangz: By the way, security's tight. Good luck getting past all that
crap...it's worse than the airlines.
Joey: Crap.
Fangz: Alright, just a heads-up. Toodles! (click)
Joey: Well we should go outside ill bet shiek will be out there
Link: Oh… do I got to learn another one of those stupid songs?
Joey: Yes but we actually need this one too
Link: Oh…. Works for me!
(They get outside)
Shiek: HELLO!
Link: Just teach me the song.
Shiek: -- Well in order to get farther into the temple you need to go back in time. The Master sword serves as a boat between the two times…
Link: We already knew that I went back in time before…
Shiek: --
Joey: Ok Link you can use the teleport song and ill meet you at the Temple of Time.
Link: Ok (Plays the teleport song very out of pitch)
Joey: (sighs snaps fingers and teleports him and Mike)
(At the Temple of Time)
Link: Ok well are we ready?
Joey: Hang on got to call Fangz the Hyrule Market isnt destroyed back then so she can get herself some decent cloths… (Calls Fangz and tells her what they are gonna do and to get to the temple)
Fangz: (Jumps down from the roof) ok im here
Link: That was fast
Fangz: But if we are going 7 years back in time wouldn't it make me little too?
Joey: Naa only Link I go back and forward through time with my powers so I don't change I can use that power on you too.
Fangz: Ok well are we all ready?
Link: YEP (Puts the sword in the Pedestal and dissapears)
Joey: Alrighty then (snaps and He Mike and Fangz dissapear)
To Be Continued…
Joey: Well that's it I promise a quicker update next time! And Er other stuff… BYE!