Chapter 8
Reconnecting
The Saturday morning greeted Emma and Manny like long-awaited, flavorful, and instantaneous medicine. Emma's parents had left to a bed and breakfast the previous night, but had taken Jack to his grandparents house so that the girls would be free for the day.
And Emma stated happily as she made eggs, pancakes, and-vegetarian-sausages for she and Manny "No babies, no parents, no guys, no Degrassi, no drama."
Manny and Emma talked a mile a minute about everything, but their current emotional problems. Movies, music, stars, even homework.
Emma had not yet told Manny that she and Peter had broken up, so when Manny asked inquisitively "What about Peter, Em? you guys don't have anything special planned today." Emma was quiet for a moment and then said, as though it weren't an issue at all, "No. And we won't be having "plans" ever again if I have anything to do with it." Manny laughed, "What's wrong-the lovebirds get in a fight?" biting into her pancakes. "No," Emma said as she wiped her mouth with a napkin "The lovebirds broke up." Manny stared at Emma in disbelief "Emma, are you serious? When did this happen?" Emma frowned, staring up at the ceiling. It was hard for her to remember when. "Thursday." She said finally with a slight nod.
"Emma, why didn't you tell me?" Manny said, pushing back from the table, looking hurt. "It's not a big deal." Emma said simply with a shrug. Manny stared at Emma her eyes wide, "Not a big deal Emma?" she said with a laugh "Not a big dea-Emma! Our friendship was almost ruined because of this guy; you know that. It took him stepping in when he realized you had a a...eating thing and Em, you could've died if he hadn't, for me to forgive him and you breaking up with him is "not a big deal"!"
Emma just stared at her plate. She hadn't wanted to think about Peter. She felt bad enough about what happened already and she didn't want to think about it. "Manny, look I'm sorry ok? I just, well..." Emma paused trying to think of an easy out as Manny leaned back in her chair waiting. "You had a lot of stuff going on with Craig, you know? I didn't want to bog you down with any more unneeded emotional baggage, that's all." "Em, you still coulda-" "Manny, pleeasssee! This is supposed to be our day! Our baby free, parent free, do whatever we want to day. So can we drop the Peter issue? Please?"
Manny's bruised frown changed into a light smile. "Ok Em, I'm sorry." She said sitting up and patting her friends hand "It's just-I don't know Emma, I worry about you sometimes." Manny said, searching Emma's eyes for some kind of painful emotion. Emma smiled brightly "Well, don't ok? I'm fine. Peter and I, well we were never really right for one another, you know?" Emma said standing up and dumping her plate into the sink. "Well if you mean that he was a complete and total jackass, then yes I know what you mean." "Manny!" "What! It was a joke!"
As Emma and Manny headed back to their bedroom Manny suggested that they watch a movie. "We're supposed to be going to lunch today ,Manny, remember!" Emma said matter-of-factly. "Oh my god! I totally spaced on that Emma, sorry. Were do you wanna go?" Emma looked at Manny sarcastically "That pretty little "sunset strip" place over on 73rd street Manny. God! Where do you think? Hello! The same place we've been going our entire high-school lives-"The Dot!" "Ok Emma, God!" Manny said a little annoyed "Well, do you wanna-you know-dress up or something? Make it a little...I don't know, different?" Emma smiled at her friend. Manny loved to pick out clothes that the two of them-well at least, Emma-wouldn't normally wear, and make them up in glam makeup, strutting out the house like a movie star.
"Sure, you can even pick the clothes. But, Manny?" Emma called, as Manny rushed down the stairs, an excited expression on her face. "Don't get me anything to...you." Manny laughed, as she hurried down the stairs and ripped crazily through laundry baskets-she and Emma's clothes mixed in messily together-looking for something to make both of them feel better and take their minds off of what was really going on in their lives.
Scene Change: Ellie's house
Ellie didn't know why but she felt really...weird. Well, she knew why but it was kind of unexplainable.
Craig had taken her back to his house the previous night telling her that he didn't want her to "be alone" and slept comfortably on the couch, while she slept in his bed. Ellie hadn't been able to sleep immediately, and though her tears had subsided, she'd laid awake thinking about the fact that Craig slept in the bed she was lying in. After several involuntary-but enjoyable-dirty thoughts, Ellie moved to a small chair of his and laid there with a blanket over her humming-a technique that one of her therapy group members had taught her-until she drifted into a peaceful and undisturbed sleep.
Ellie'd awakened to Craig sitting next to her, staring at her intently. She'd jumped a little startled at the face that had haunted her dreams and then smiled at him. "What are you looking at?" She said with a laugh as she awkwardly sat up. "A "Hidden Angel." Craig answered smiling, and then eliminated any weird silence that would've followed smashing Ellie in the face with a pillow.
Ellie gathered herself, and then retaliated with a pillow of her own and the two of them fought for a while until Joey came and told them to calm down and take it somewhere else. "Joey? Did I get any calls from Manny, yesterday?" Craig said with an anxious look, ruining Ellie's moment.
Ellie hadn't told Craig about her fight with Manny, and had no intention of doing so, feeling that it would only further complicate things, and certainly wouldn't help them. Especially if, in true Craig form he asked her worriedly "Is Manny ok?"
Joey half-way smiled and then stared at Craig shaking his head. "No Craig, no calls from Manny." As he said this, Joey glanced at Ellie. It was a quick glance, but enough of a knowing look was in Joey's eye to make Ellie feel as though she were see through and as soon as Joey left she asked Craig "Can you take me home?" Craig insisted on Ellie eating breakfast first but as soon as she did Ellie annoyed Craig until he finally drove her home.
When they got to her apartment Ellie unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to Craig shyly. "Craig thanks for-for being so...cool." and then she added quickly "About the whole Sean thing I mean." "Hey Ellie? It's no problem." Craig said nodding, "It's the least I can do," and then he added with a smile "You've been the best about Manny." Ellie whenced a little but nodded with a smile "That's me, good old Ellie Nash, best friend to pathetic loser Craig Manning." Craig laughed "Get out of my car!" and Ellie laughed to trying her best to cover her feelings as she closed the door. "Bye El, look I'll call you tonight ok?" "Ok." Ellie said, and she waved reluctantly as Craig's car drove off.
Ellie had been trying her hardest not to even think about Sean in the past year but she noticed that ever since she'd heard he was back she always found herself comparing Craig to Sean "Sean, would've noticed that I liked him." "Sean would never ask me to help him get his ex-girlfriend back." "Sean would see what I was trying to get him to understand." and this time was no different "Sean would never be so obliv-" Ellie thought but she shook the thought from her mind as she walked a little ways down the street in front of her apartment "Sean is nothing like Craig." she said to herself with a laugh "Sean would leave me when he knew that I needed him, with an apartment that I can't pay for, a disconnected relationship with anyone but him, and a broken heart. That's Sean Cameron. Hero of the freaking century!"
Ellie wanted to get away from her apartment rather than stay there, no doubt remembering everything that she was at that moment trying to forget, so she walked gingerly to the park, head down, hands in her pockets and her face towards the sidewalk.
Ellie lost herself in thoughts about what she'd do this year, what she'd try and accomplish and was so lost in her thoughts that when she heard someone scream out suddenly she literally stumbled off of the sidewalk and into the street, being hit by a car that was driving right alongside her.
Scene change: "The Dot"
As, Emma and Manny walked into "The Dot" all eyes immediately trailed to and landed on the two of them. Manny wore a tight tube top-blue jean, which seemed to be her "color' she'd told Emma with a giggle, her hair pulled tightly into a split ponytail and she wore a short-short blue jean skirt to match, black leather high heeled boots, bangles jangling wildly on her arm.
As usual Manny relished the attention all of the male waiters rushing to serve her as she entered sitting, feigning uninterest in a chair. Emma, was also dressed in rare form, wearing a tight backless white dress that came up to her thighs, her hair in a "Bun, Emma! You look so cute this way and you never wear it like this!" as Manny had whined fighting Emma's reluctant hair into a bun and then stuffing Emma's unwilling feet into strappy white sandals.
Emma had allowed all of this with a judging eye wondering what Sean would think if he saw her-though she knew he wouldn't- and right before they'd left the house to get into the cab, Emma had rushed back to the door to change. "Emma! You said I could pick out the clothes!" "I know Manny, But-I just-just hold on!" and Emma had rushed downstairs pulling on a pair of tight black jeans, the first pair she saw, covering her legs and ruining Manny's effect at the same time as relieving her own unfounded paranoia. "Just in case!" she'd said to herself as she rushed back up the stairs and out the door.
Now, as Emma entered the restaurant full of horny busboys she realized it made no difference as they swarmed around her. Manny laughed and flirted relishing the attention and where Emma normally would've tried to do the same, proving herself to Manny and to the guys, she stayed silent staring off at a window with a sullen expression that didn't match her breezy flirtatious clothes.
"Emma?" Manny said, shaking her friend away from her depressing thoughts "Our day remember? What's wrong?" "Nothing Manny," Emma said brightening her face, but this time Manny didn't buy it.
She frowned at Emma and then stated staring directly into Emma's eyes, "Is it about Sean?" Emma couldn't help the jerk that her shoulders did at hearing his name out loud and she scowled at Manny. "Nothing's wrong, Manny." She said slowly and then leaned back as the busboy placed their drinks carefully on the table. "Emma, I talked to Sean. He told me you won't talk to him. I know something's wrong." Emma's eyes about popped out her head as she dug her nails into the table, "You spoke to Sean?" Manny just looked at Emma as though nothing was wrong.
"Manny, what exactly do you mean when you say you "spoke" to Sean?" Emma said her heart beating faster than she wished and her hands shaking as she spoke. Manny looked at Emma as she leaned back in her chair crossing her arms. "Em, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. It's just...well I know that you're not doing as well as you want everyone to believe you are and-" "Manny!" Emma said cutting Manny off angrily. "What did you say to Sean?" Manny arched her eyebrows, but she still answered, shrugging a little nervously "He just-he asked me what had happened with you while he was gone. Like, he wanted to check up on you or whatever." Emma closed her eyes calming herself, beads of sweat forming on her heavily made up brow "Manny: what did you tell him?"
Manny looked at Emma in confusion for a second and then said, in a tone of insulted pride, "I didn't tell him about Jay, if that's what you're worried about." Emma sighed heavily and then leaned back in her chair. "Emma, he's going to find out about tha-" "Manny, just drop it ok? I don't give a damn what Sean Cameron finds out about." "You sure are acting like you do. He told me you wouldn't talk to him and I know you want to ." Manny said, a touch of anger in her rising voice "What is going on with you? I mean for an entire year you act like you can't stand to hear his name because you miss him so much and I know he saved your life and so you guys have some like-connection now or whatever. But Emma, how long are you gonna pretend before you actually deal with this? Before you tell him whatever it is that you want to say?" Emma stared away from Manny's face and said quietly and sternly, "Manny? I know it's been...weird ok? But Sean...I-I mean I can't go there alright? I don't want to and I'm not going to so just drop the subject alright?"
Manny and Emma sipped their drinks in silence for a moment before Emma finally broke the silence saying in an apologetic voice "Manny? This is supposed our day you know? We're supposed to be having fun? Not thinking about the extreme emotional bullcrap that we both seem to be saddled with." Manny looked at her friend with a smile, "I know Em, I'm sorry about telling Sean about, you know, you and stuff, but I just-" "It's okay Manny. Let's forget that and get on with our lives." And then after a slight pause, Emma added "Besides I mean, he's going to find out eventually, right?" and even as she spoke the words Emma felt a slight pain in her chest at the thought.
Scene Change: Sidewalk leading to the park
"Ellie!" Sean said as he leaped from the driver's seat of his car and rushed to the front where Ellie lay sprawled on the ground in front of him. "God, Ellie? Are you alright?" Ellie blinked up at Sean a little dazed but not at all hurt. "I'm fine, Cameron." she said as he yanked her to her feet "What the hell are you doing? Stalking me?" Sean rubbed the back of his head nervously trying to think of the right way to put it.
Sean had been driving around all morning looking for Ellie, having gone to her apartment and realized that she wasn't there. He then went to all the places that he knew Ellie had used to like to hang out at; the park being the third. Sean had seen her walking along the sidewalk so he slowed up his car driving alongside her and said hey a few times. When she seemed to be ignoring him he finally screamed "Ellie!" at which point she stumbled, startled, onto the hood of his car.
"I was just looking for you. I-I need to talk to you." Ellie looked a little taken aback, then she nodded knowingly "Ah! So it's time for the long-awaited "guilt" talk." Sean smiled uneasily and he nodded towards his car. "Will you just let me ride you to the park? Please?" Ellie stared at him before finally nodding as she walked over opening the passenger door. Ellie said, "It's not like I have any better to do." and sliding into the roughed up but clean seat. "This is a real beauty, Cameron." she said as she glanced back at the seat behind them, which had been covered, apparently by Sean, with a torn white bedspread to hide whatever damaged horror lay beneath. "Hey! it only cost $350." Sean said pretending insult. "And besides, it's a work-in-progress."
Not unlike this conversation, Ellie thought as she and Sean, after exchanging smiles, sat in silence both waiting for the other to speak.
After Sean parked the car he seemed to trying to figure out where to start when Ellie said suddenly, "Look, Sean, what are we doing? We don't have to do this; I mean it's not like we don't already know how we feel about one another." Sean raised an interested eyebrow, "Oh? we do huh? How is that?" Ellie hadn't expected this and so she stuttered a little "Um, well you know, I um," "You're pissed at me?" Sean said. Ellie nodded slowly before adding fiercely as Sean hung his head a little "Well, what did you really expect, Sean! A welcoming committee? 'Oh! my boyfriend who left me all alone-practically stranded-in the Degrassi desert is back! Whoop dee Damn doo!' " Sean didn't say anything, just stared at the steering wheel "I know El, I know. But I-I thought-" "What Sean! What did you think! That I just got over it? That I was just able to pick up all the pieces, shattered though they be, and put em all together again? Well I wasn't." Ellie finished quietly and then she pulled up her sleeve "I cut myself with them."
Sean was reluctant to look at Ellie's arm and when he did he had to look away immediately. It was scarred badly, much worse than the last time he'd seen it, though there didn't seem to be any fresh cuts. Just the thought that he'd caused the scars was enough to turn his stomach.
"Ellie...I'm sorry." Sean said, quietly "I know that it was messed up, I know. But, I had to go. I didn't really have a choice." "Yes you did Sean. And you chose to leave." Ellie said pulling her sleeve back down "While the rest of us tried to figure out, tried to cope, you just ran away from..." Ellie paused wiping her teary eyes, "Everything." As Ellie finished her statement, Sean finally allowed a tear to fall from his eye.
Ellie was the first one to speak the truth to him about the way he left since he'd returned and it proved to much for him to handle. Finally, he turned towards, Ellie a crazed look in his eyes "I know! Alright! I know you cut, and I know you were hurt, and I know that I could've helped you. I could've-couldv'e helped Emma but I didn't. I just-I left and now I'm back, but I can't make it right and I'm sorry ok! I know you guys hate me Ellie but I'm sorry That's all I can say, Ellie, I'm sorry!"
Ellie was crying now; she hadn't expected them but the tears rolled fiercely down her cheeks. Tying everything that was happening now with everything that had happened with Craig the last few days, Ellie couldn't take it. She didn't hate Sean...She was angry at him...angry as hell; but she didn't hate him.
"Sean it's ok all right?" Ellie said touching his shoulders reassuringly "You left, and you hurt me, you did, but that was a year and a half ago. I'm over it, really, and I don't hate you." Sean smiled at Ellie. He'd always loved the way she tried to cheer him up; even when he didn't deserve it. "I just-I just really need you to know that I'm sorry." He said with overwhelming emotion in his shaky voice, struggling not to cry. "I do know." Ellie said with a smile "I know." and when she leaned over and hugged Sean, he knew that she really meant it.
There wasn't much left for them to say after that so Ellie said "I'm gonna go, ok?" and Sean nodded as she stepped out of the car. "And Sean?" Ellie said nervously leaning into the window. Sean looked at her questioningly "For what it's worth, I really missed you." Sean smiled nodding, "I know." He said simply "Thank you for that; for missing me."
As he drove away Ellie looked after Sean's car. She hadn't expected him to say he missed her too but it hurt, just a little, still. But thinking about all that had happened and all that was still to happen as she stared after his car she said to herself "Sean, I hope to Hell she's worth it." Having noted that Sean got extra emotional when speaking about what had happened to Emma, Ellie wasn't too slow to figure out that he cared for her now.
But, as she walked through the grassy field of the park Ellie did feel a little better, having finally gotten some closure on her relationship with Sean.
Scene Change: Emma's house around 7:00 p.m.
"Oh my God Emma! That was the best Pizza ever!" Manny said as she opened the door to the house and sauntered in tired from their long day "I know, it was like, amazing!" Emma said smiling "I am so full and tired and-" Manny turned to Emma smiling before leaping onto her friends neck. "Happy Em! That was the best day! Thank you so much!" "Oh Manny, I am so selfish it was more for me, than you!" Emma said with a smile and then a frown as she remembered what she'd wanted a "day" for.
"Well," Manny said yawning "I am going downstairs to bathe and dream about all these clothes we bought! You coming?" "No, I think I'm gonna go for a walk, you know, fresh air for a change?" "Ok!" Manny said, walking up to her friend again "Do you need some company?" "No, I'll be back in a moment." "Alright, I'll probably be conked out when you get back so good night Em!" "Good night Manny!" Emma said with a smile as she watched her friend walk down the stairs.
The day had gone pretty well for Emma. Put together lunch at the Dot, going to the movies, hanging out and shopping in the mall, and reconnecting with her best friend and she'd pretty much had too full of a day to really really think about Sean or Rick or Peter. Which was of course what she'd wanted. But now, as she walked toward her front door thinking of all the thoughts she'd probably process in her short walk, Emma almost admonished herself for avoiding everything. She'd avoided thinking about Peter, about Rick, about Sean, And look where it got me, she thought turning the doorknob Thinking intensely about Rick and Peter and Se- but when she opened the door, Emma thought possibly she was imagining things or maybe just being delusional before she finally stammered out "Sean? What are you doing here?"